Recently in Fathers Category

Lately I have been mulling over military moms who, upon notification of deployment, scramble to find childcare for their children. I can't help but wring my hands and ask: where are all the fathers? And I am not talking marriage here or even money. I am talking about mutual parental involvement. Women are expected to step up when their husbands go off to war. We should expect the same of men whose wives are deployed.

My heart goes out to army moms, women who are practically invisible in war coverage. This piece stumbles on so many kernels of truth about the societal discrimination women face. For me, this narrative is particularly revealing:

Sergeant McFadden, who holds only an associate's degree, wanted to hold on to her career. "It matters what I do," Sergeant McFadden said. "I love helping people. It's for our country. My dad was a Vietnam vet. I feel like I owe it to him."

It hit me like a ton of bricks: McFadden is expressing something afforded to men that we haven't quite gotten around to prioritizing for women. The plain truth is that boys and men grow up in a culture where their careers matter. Many employers insist on policies that make it impossible to reconcile the role of parent and with the role of wage-earner. McFadden, and the many other women who are torn about deployment because of motherhood, reveal how we lose out as a country when we don't give both men and women equal opportunity to be employed in a profession where they can work to their fullest potential. 

This is about so much more than military moms in heterosexual relationships. What about single moms and gay and lesbian parents who are being discriminated against by the military? What about women of color who are the least likely to be in positions where they can rely on child care? What about the rights of queer women and women of color to have non-normative paths to motherhood? All of these people have the right to express their service to country by enlisting in the military, but our country's policies and prejudices work against them.

Much ado was made about the President's back-to-school speech, but not nearly enough folks have made the connection between the potential of today's students and work/family balance. In this speech, President Obama said: "What you make of your education will decide nothing less than the future of this country. What you're learning in school today will determine whether we as a nation can meet our greatest challenges in the future." When girls grow up to have equal access to reaching their professional potential, only then can we truly have the best and the brightest in our military and at all levels of public service.

H/T to Smita Satiani Huff Po blogger who referred me to this article and wrestled with these issues with me.

Since I've been hanging with my family this week, it occurred to me that it would be fun to ask my dad a few questions about feminist fathering. We have so many examples of anti-feminist fathering around, but it's rare that we hear from a dad who is truly committed to egalitarian parenting and gender justice. The other thing that makes my dad sort of unique is that he has all the trappings of a traditional dude--white, middle-class, retired lawyer, raised Catholic, likes to talk about the weather and wear embarrassing outfits to bicycle around town--but will surprise you when he drops some serious feminist insights. (He also hasn't updated his slang since the 80's, thus the subtitle of this post.) Read on...

Courtney: Do you consider yourself a feminist? Why or why not?

Ron: Yes, because I believe in equality in all respects.

Courtney: How do other men react to your feminist identity?

Ron: At first, I found it odd to own the identity among other men, but after awhile it became clear and comfortable. I am guessing that other men may feel the same. I think some men would never call themselves a feminist because they would view, wrongly, that it would mean that they are feminine, and at all costs, do not want to feel that.

Courtney: What do you think are the essential ingredients of feminist fathering?

Ron: Teaching your sons and your daughters that gender should never be a barrier to anything that you want to do. [My dad resigned from the men's only business club in my town when I was a little girl, citing that he didn't want to be a part of any institution that would one day accept his son but not his daughter.] In addition, you have to not only say the right words but you have to live those words. It is particularly important with your daughter, just like your son, to praise them for their minds and intellect, because the world will still tend to only comment on their physicality.