Recently in Caretaking Category

A study put out by the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unwanted Pregnancy has found evidence that the majority of teens at risk of unwanted pregnancy are not from low income and/or single parent families.

via Susan Reimer for the Baltimore Sun.

According to research conducted for the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, only 28 percent of those who report having given birth or fathered a child as a teen lived in families with incomes below the federal poverty line.

And just 30 percent of those who report having given birth to or fathered a child as a teen say they were living with a single parent.

We are not only wrong - and probably bigoted - about whose teens get pregnant. Those of us in middle-class, intact families have our heads seriously in the sand if we think it can't happen to us.

This doesn't change that low-income families are disproportionately at risk of unwanted or teen pregnancy, but it certainly changes the demonized media image of the poor, black, single, teenage mom, so readily available to the national imagination. Looks like all those family values indoctrinated via abstinence-only education programs are not working out so well for all the "intact" families of America.

Lately I have been mulling over military moms who, upon notification of deployment, scramble to find childcare for their children. I can't help but wring my hands and ask: where are all the fathers? And I am not talking marriage here or even money. I am talking about mutual parental involvement. Women are expected to step up when their husbands go off to war. We should expect the same of men whose wives are deployed.

My heart goes out to army moms, women who are practically invisible in war coverage. This piece stumbles on so many kernels of truth about the societal discrimination women face. For me, this narrative is particularly revealing:

Sergeant McFadden, who holds only an associate's degree, wanted to hold on to her career. "It matters what I do," Sergeant McFadden said. "I love helping people. It's for our country. My dad was a Vietnam vet. I feel like I owe it to him."

It hit me like a ton of bricks: McFadden is expressing something afforded to men that we haven't quite gotten around to prioritizing for women. The plain truth is that boys and men grow up in a culture where their careers matter. Many employers insist on policies that make it impossible to reconcile the role of parent and with the role of wage-earner. McFadden, and the many other women who are torn about deployment because of motherhood, reveal how we lose out as a country when we don't give both men and women equal opportunity to be employed in a profession where they can work to their fullest potential. 

This is about so much more than military moms in heterosexual relationships. What about single moms and gay and lesbian parents who are being discriminated against by the military? What about women of color who are the least likely to be in positions where they can rely on child care? What about the rights of queer women and women of color to have non-normative paths to motherhood? All of these people have the right to express their service to country by enlisting in the military, but our country's policies and prejudices work against them.

Much ado was made about the President's back-to-school speech, but not nearly enough folks have made the connection between the potential of today's students and work/family balance. In this speech, President Obama said: "What you make of your education will decide nothing less than the future of this country. What you're learning in school today will determine whether we as a nation can meet our greatest challenges in the future." When girls grow up to have equal access to reaching their professional potential, only then can we truly have the best and the brightest in our military and at all levels of public service.

H/T to Smita Satiani Huff Po blogger who referred me to this article and wrestled with these issues with me.

I really like Fast Company's coverage--they manage to produce a lot of fresh, interesting material that isn't just about fuddy duddy notions of business, but the intersections of sustainability, design, creativity, leadership, innovation etc. (Full disclosure: I'm one of those nerds who likes futurist talk about where the world is headed culturally, technologically, sociologically etc.).

That's why I was purdy disappointed to find that only 24 of the top 100 of their "Most Creative People in Business" list were women. Really Fast Company? Women are launching businesses at twice the rate of men. Super innovative microlending businesses are taking the world by storm, largely led by the efforts of women. Between 1997 and 2006, the number of majority women-owned businesses increased 42%.

I'm not going to trot out gender stereotypes about women being more creative than men, but God knows we're as creative as men. We may be historically less likely to get involved in business, but all that's changing in a huge way, and I would guess, the women who are blazing trails in business are largely doing it in creative ways (out of both necessity and ingenuity). I don't claim to be a business expert, but this just seems short-sighted on the part of the Fast Company editorial team, who touts themselves as quintessentially big-picture and future-thinking.

The seven women in the top 25, FYI, are: Melinda Gates, Michelle Ganeless, Stella McCartney, Susan Athey, Trish Adams, Dawn Danby, Jil Sander.

Feel free to put your nominations in comments.

So remember awhile back when I asked for your advice on sharing space with a partner and not losing your mind? Well, I'm happy to report that it's been about three months of cohab-ing and things seem to be going along swimmingly. I think in my effort to make sure that my body wasn't invaded by sexist body snatchers (laundry, dishes, dinner oh my!) the second he moved in, I forgot how much fun he is, how much I adore watching TV with him, and telling one another jokes while we try to fall asleep. We just make a lot of sense, which, it turns out, is one major protection against stupid gender role defaults.

Having said that, I do have to admit that, from time to time, I'm watching myself fall into what feels like a pretty common struggle. Case in point: the box.

Nikolai left a cardboard box filled with "the etcetera" of his move sitting on the floor of our bedroom for awhile. It was on the floor on his side of the bed, hidden from view. If I was careful about it, I could almost forget it existed, even in our 700 square foot one bedroom apartment. But instead, I thought about it frequently.

I had asked him, with all the nonchalance I could muster, if he wouldn't mind cleaning it up. Sure, he said. Soon. We took the train to his mom's house in Brooklyn for a meat-filled Thanksgiving and returned. It was still there. We went away and visited my parents in Santa Fe for Christmas and returned. It was still there.

I felt anger at Nikolai creep up. I felt the urge to unpack the box myself but quickly slapped the impulse away. I expended Herculean energy trying not to say anything, trying to ignore the box and pretend it didn't matter. And, in fact, to him, it didn't matter.

He eventually cleaned up the box in anticipation of a house guest. And like that--poof!--it was gone. But I can't help feeling like I'm left with the first taste of a struggle I will be battling for years to come.

The box today is a baby tomorrow. He means to get up for the 2am feeding, but he's just so exhausted from work. Next time, he tells me, I should shake him harder until he wakes up. But I don't. He looks peaceful. I enjoy the time with the baby even if I'm catatonic. The baby tomorrow becomes a pimply tween in ten years. We were so determined to split parenting responsibilities 50/50, but his workplace is more traditional than mine; slowly my writing time gets eroded and we both shrug and fall asleep watching The Daily Show. I miss my work but I love the kid. I'm good at being a mom. The pimply tween in ten years becomes a know-it-all college kid in twenty. The empty nest is more like an echoing cavern. Twenty years of sacrificed sleep and shrugged-away work opportunities and lost autonomy wake me up in the night and I look over at him, sleeping soundly, and feel righteously angry. The kid is amazing--more dynamic and courageous than we ever could have imagined. But where did my--not ours, but my--life go?

I know. I know. It's just a box. As Nikolai rightly pointed out, he would treat an unpacked box far different than a living, breathing baby. But it's brought up new ideas for me about what I value vs. what he values and how we can negotiate common space and a common life when those contrasts get in the way. I want to learn how to let go when it doesn't matter. And how to own my choices wholeheartedly when it does. I don't want to resent him. And I don't want him to resent me. Is that possible?

One of the less-discussed anti-gay ballot initiatives that passed in November was an Arkansas measure that bars unmarried couples from adopting or foster-parenting. Now the ACLU has filed a suit that says the law is not in the best interest of children -- which makes sense, because at a time when there are 3,700 children in foster care and only 1,000 foster homes, the state is further limiting the number of potential caregivers.

"Act 1 violates the state's legal duty to place the best interest of children above all else," Marie-Bernarde Miller, a Little Rock attorney in the lawsuit, told the Associated Press.

The group filed the suit on behalf of 29 adults and children from more than a dozen families. The families claim the act's language was confusing and voters were therefore misled.

The Arkansas Family Council, a group that campaigned heavily for the ban, admitted to targeting gay couples but said it will affect both gay and straight people.

To say that they're doing this on behalf of kids is just ridiculous. Laws like these are opposed by nearly every child welfare organization in the country. And don't you love that twisted line of argument? "We discriminate against gay people and unmarried straight people, so it's not actually discriminatory." WTF.

There's some minor comfort in the fact that the ban doesn't affect adoptions approved prior to November 4. I'm not sure about foster-care situations, though.

From The New York Times:

As the wife of a former N.F.L. player with degenerative dementia, Eleanor Perfetto finds herself performing the most basic tasks for her husband, Ralph Wenzel: she feeds him, bathes him and tries to explain all that is happening to him.

She could not, however, attend a meeting Thursday night in suburban Washington between N.F.L. Commissioner Roger Goodell and former players, the third in a series of discussions regarding the later-life care of retirees. As Perfetto tried to enter the room, Goodell told her the meeting was for players only.

But the problem wasn't just that the meeting was for players - it's that it was for men. Goodell told the NYT reporter that women being present could impede the discussion.

Perfetto and the wives of other players with dementia criticized their exclusion, adding their voices to a debate over the care of retired players that has been the subject of two Congressional hearings.

"We wives are the voice of players with dementia, because they can't speak for themselves," Perfetto said. "They are only allowing players healthy enough to attend. That means they're getting a very slanted view of what it's like out there."

So sexism is stopping what could be a comprehensive discussion. Nice. Though I'm betting this isn't just about keeping women out - it's about keeping caretakers out. These women are the ones who know best what is happening to their loved ones - shutting them out isn't just sexist, it's irresponsible.