Recently in Ask Professor Foxy Category

This weekly Saturday column "Ask Professor Foxy" will regularly contain sexually explicit material. This material is likely not safe for work viewing. The title of the column will include the major topic of the post, so please read the topic when deciding whether or not to read the entire column.

Dear Professor Foxy,

Thank you.

Hello -

Good for you for taking a major first step. It took guts to put the slideshow together. He responded favorably, so I think you two are ready to go to the next place.

Communication is key. Talking about desires heightens them and helps both partners feel comfortable. I would talk to him about the slideshow and ask what turned him on about the experience. Was it that you took the initiative? Being voyeuristic? The trust you showed?

Move on to asking him what his fantasies are and be ready to talk about your own. What specifically turned you on? What would you do again? Change?

I would also suggest exploring an on-line sex store like my new favorite one, Passionale in Philadelphia, PA. See what appeals to you and/or to him. Be ready to try new things. What are you willing to try for him and vice versa? Going through sites or catalogues together and talking about the goods is likely to spark more fantasies and things to try. So talk and try and have fun!!

Best,
Professor Foxy

If you have a question for Professor Foxy, send it to ProfessorFoxyATfeministingDOTcom.

Congratulations Professor Foxy!

As of this morning, Professor Foxy holds an elite, exclusive, and hard-earned membership to the club "Lifesite news targets." I, too, am a member, so I can tell you- she's in for a real treat!

This special membership offers guaranteed access to: having your name misspelled and/or your title incorrectly described; having your words taken out of context; being blatantly misrepresented; having your views on an issue warped and manipulated for the anti-choice agenda; experiencing infuriating condescension from a number of sources; and, my personal favorite, having anti-choice news sites show up at the top of the page when your name is googled. Fun!

:-/

I joke, but for real, I am proud of our very own Professor. My mantra is and continues to be, that you know you're doing something right when you're pissing anti-choicers off.

This weekly Saturday column "Ask Professor Foxy" will regularly contain sexually explicit material. This material is likely not safe for work viewing. The title of the column will include the major topic of the post, so please read the topic when deciding whether or not to read the entire column.

Dear Professor Foxy,

Well, for about two years (I'm 21) I've been thinking that I'm gay. And, after a recent, and first, sexual encounter with a woman I decided that, yes, this lesbian thing is for me. Since then I've slowly been coming out of the closet: I've told a friend here, a cousin there but I still have yet to tell my parents. While they are very liberal and I'm sure they wouldn't have a problem with it (I have a cousin who is gay), I'm sure you can understand that this is still a very hard thing to do.

So, after getting my courage up I asked my (straight) sister (who I had told previously that I had some queer inklings) that I'd like her help in telling our parents. Now, my sister, as far as I know, is quite liberal herself but is often annoyed by my "radical" feminism. I'm in Women's Studies, she's in Engineering - you get the picture. Anyway, I asked her to help me tell our parents that I'm gay. Her response? "OH MY GOD." Followed by, "Are you sure it's not just because of Susan (the cousin) and Women's Studies and stuff." I immediately dropped the subject. We continued on with our evening and it wasn't until the next day that I realized the ignorance and cruelty of her response, especially since I had already told her that I might like girls.

I haven't confronted her about her response and probably won't be asking for her help with my task again. But, I still haven't told my parents! So, Professor Foxy, this brings me to my first question: how on earth will I regain my confidence and say to my parents, the seemingly simple words, "I am gay"?

However, this question is only the first in my often drama-filled life. Shortly after the conversation with my sister, I visited a psychic. This was the first time I'd seen one and it's not something I put much weight into. What she said, however, made me think. Halfway through the reading, while discussing the tall-dark-and-handsome man I was soon going to meet, she paused and asked, "Who do you like, him or her?" Maybe she was psychic or maybe she just saw the disinterest in my eyes while I was hearing about this man. Anyway, after I told her that I do, in fact, like "her," she smiled and said, "Ah, and who have you told?" I told her that Susan (the same cousin) knew. "And she likes the girls?" the psychic asked. She, like my sister told me that it was my cousin's influence that resulted in what I thought was a changing sexuality. "It won't last" were her final words about my lesbianism.

The reason I am telling you all of this is that maybe my sister and the psychic are right. Of course my Women's Studies education has something to do with my sexuality - it has completely reformed my thinking and helped me to see, I thought, that I prefer women over men. My second question, I suppose, is that do you think there is any truth in what my sister and the psychic are saying. Has my sexuality been influenced by my cousin's, to the point that I'm convinced I'm gay when I'm not actually? What seems preposterous about this possibility is that it's not a trend to be gay, nor is it seen, in general society, as the more positive sexuality. Don't get me wrong, if I am gay I'll be happy that way but of course if I had the CHOICE I would be straight, in terms of an easier lifestyle, socially, legally, etc.

I'm sorry to have dragged on like this, but I'd really like some guidance. Am I just following my cousin's sexuality or being swayed into thinking I'm gay? If I am really gay, how do I go about telling my parents?

-Query from Canada

Hello Query -

I am sorry your sister had such a negative response to your coming out. But being gay or queer or lesbian is not like the swine flu - you cannot catch it. Your cousin being gay is wonderful, because it gives you someone in your family you can talk to and an example of someone you admire and love who is gay, but that will not turn you gay. I am sure there are many people who you love and admire who are straight, but that will not turn you straight. Women's studies classes can open your mind and broaden your horizons, but they cannot turn you gay either.

The psychic is bunk. A random stranger, whatever her gifts, cannot know you better than you know yourself. In any case, you have no way of knowing how she feels about LGBT people in general. She could be a complete homophobe.

One of the hardest things about coming out is that it's a process, not an immediate snap of the fingers. First, it takes time to understand and realize you are gay. Then, when you are finally ready to tell people, it also takes those people time to understand and accept that you are gay. Though being patient with them is frustrating and annoying, most people come around. Your sister's response was ignorant and mean, but that does not mean that she will never be able to realize that you are still the same person you were before and that it is a sign of your love for her that you told her this incredibly important thing about yourself.

Your parents will likely have a good response, but you should have friends at the ready to talk to just in case. What about your cousin? Can she be there for you during it or after? Parents are often more ok with gayness in the abstract or in people other than their children. You need to make sure that you have someone or several people to help you.

Talk with these people to regain your confidence and move forward with telling your parents. If they have a good response, wonderful! You have another source of support. If they have a bad response, they will take time, but most parents come around. If yours do not, there are other ways of finding support. Many LGBT people have two kinds of family: family of origin (the one you are born into) and chosen family (the family that you grow as you age, the family that supports you no matter what). Your cousin, friends you have told: these people can all be your chosen family and your support system.

Take care of yourself during this time. Being a lesbian is a wonderful thing and there is a whole community of folks who can be there with you through this experience.

Best,
Professor Foxy

If you have a question for Professor Foxy, send it to ProfessorFoxyATfeministingDOTcom.

This weekly Saturday column "Ask Professor Foxy" will regularly contain sexually explicit material. This material is likely not safe for work viewing. The title of the column will include the major topic of the post, so please read the topic when deciding whether or not to read the entire column.

Dear Professor Foxy,
I am six months pregnant, living with the father and very happy. We have a wonderful sex life and I feel very lucky to have the relationship and life I have. However, lately I have been puzzled by my lustful desires. When we have sex, it is no longer a romantic, intimate, drawn out affair. Before I became pregnant, we would switch sex tempos regularly. Long romantic love making on Monday and by Wednesday I would be craving being thrown against the wall, digging my nails into his back.

However, since I have become pregnant, long romantic nights of love making no longer happen due to my desire to have rough sex. I do want a romantic scene sometimes but more often than not, it's a wild, intense, passionate fuck. We have sex more often and when we do, I am on top (due to how fabulous being on top is and my large belly) and we both get into an intense, wild frenzy of naugthy talk, pulling and many quick orgasms instead of one large one. Furthermore, while my partner satisfies me very well in the bedroom, I masturbate more often then on average, even after we have sex. I know that many women who are pregnant desire sex more but I am on a trip that I feel has no end in sight. I do miss our long romantic love making sessions but these hard ramps are giving me my fix. Is this something that will pass or am I in for the long haul? Is my pregnancy causing this desire and need for rough hanky panky or am I entering a new phase of my sexuality? If there is any advice you can give me I would greatly appreciate it.

Thanks
Sexy Sue Who

Hello Sexy Sue Who -

A dear friend of mine and I were talking about what sex felt like while she was pregnant. One of her thoughts sticks out at me: "Honey, when you are pregnant, you just want to and need to fuck. Your desire is sooo strong." And my friend is not a woman with a low sex drive. Good for you for being able to be sexual and pregnant.

Hormones impact our bodies and our desires and our sex drives. Pregnant women have stronger hormones, so a stronger desire for sex and a particular kind of sex, should not surprise us. Unfortunately in our society, pregnant women are too often seen as either asexual or sick for having sexual desires.

When a woman stops being pregnant, those hormones dive down (often one of the reasons for post partum depression) and then go back to where they were pre-pregnancy. Your sex drive and desires may very well go back as well. There is really no predictive factor. All you can do is ride it out and see where your body and desires end up.

Best,
Professor Foxy

If you have a question for Professor Foxy, send it to ProfessorFoxyATfeministingDOTcom.

This weekly Saturday column "Ask Professor Foxy" will regularly contain sexually explicit material. This material is likely not safe for work viewing. The title of the column will include the major topic of the post, so please read the topic when deciding whether or not to read the entire column.

Dear Professor Foxy,

I go to a very socially liberal, small private school where I am heavily involved in queer and feminist activism. Over the summer, I waited tables in a popular tourist area where I also met, and fell in love with, a woman that I am now in a long distance relationship with. Because I was working in a more conservative area, I did not broadcast the fact that I consider myself politically radical as well as queer, though my haircut generally means I'm read as a butch lesbian.

Now that I am back at school, I am working through the emotional and social effects of accepting my identity as trans and genderqueer. Because I am in such a liberal and accepting environment, I have the privilege of having a community of people that are familiar with the types of language used to describe my identity, and are comfortable with the concept of non-binary gender. My partner, though she publicly interacts with the world as a woman (albeit butch), has also told me that she has some trans and gender identity issues. She also is originally from a more conservative area than I am, and her family is much more conservative, so she has never really been able to act upon those impulses.

I have hit a point where I feel that being out as trans, and hopefully initiating some of the steps of physical transition, are critical to my current and future happiness. However, I am completely unsure of how to initiate this conversation with my partner. Because I don't feel that I totally fit the label FTM (a concept that my partner is familiar with), I feel like I may need to launch into some sort of explanation of queer theory, etc. I am afraid of coming off as condescending and overly academic, and possibly offending or hurting my partner. I also think that the idea of being genderqueer, or at least being far more flexible about gender, might be a freeing concept for her. Still, I am afraid that she might judge me or be unhappy about my desire to physically transition. I am also very much in love with her, and feel that I should be able to go to her for support on this issue.

These problems are augmented by the fact that we are in a long distance relationship and will not see each other again for a little more than a month. I would be devastated if she broke up with me because I spoke with her about this, but I also do not want to be dishonest with her and pursue transitioning without telling her. Would it be inappropriate to pursue transitioning without telling my partner? How do I respond if my partner is ok with my intellectually knowing that I'm trans, but isn't ok with taking physical steps toward transition?

A confused transperson

Dear Confused Trans Person -

Thanks for your letter. As I was reading it, I kept thinking this is about you, not about queer theory. By this I mean while queer theory may have helped you along your journey and I am not trying to negate that, but the heart of this issue is you and your happiness. I think you need to speak to your partner from your heart and from the personal. Talk about what you want for yourself and your body and how you think you will go about achieving it. Tell her what this means to you and why it is important to you.

You should be able to go to your partner for support, it is key to having a healthy relationship and you will need support as you transition. Make sure you have other places to turn to as well, especially places where you can work out your feelings about her reaction.

I think you should tell her as you are going through the process of thinking things out for yourself. How do you usually have serious conversations with her? Over the phone, email, gchat? So tell her soon and take time to rehearse it and think it out first. What do you think her hardest questions will be? What is the worst thing she could say? The best? Be ready for all of them. Also be ready to give her some space to think things through for herself. We all have our own ways of dealing with major change and she may need time to deal.

She will also deal based on her own issues, especially since she has some gender identity issues of her own. She may feel happy that she has someone who gets gender issues, she may be jealous, she may be incredibly happy, and she will likely need to figure out who she is in relation to you. Her reactions are hers, not yours and you will need space and other places of reflection to work out who you are for yourself.

You deserve support and she deserves honesty. She may not be able to support you through your transition and that will be incredibly painful. She may also be excited for you and excited about possibilities for herself. She will likely be some place in between. You both need to know if you can count on and be honest with each other; regardless of the issue this is the only way for relationships to stay healthy and strong.

Best,
Professor Foxy

If you have a question for Professor Foxy, send it to ProfessorFoxyATfeministingDOTcom.

This weekly Saturday column "Ask Professor Foxy" will regularly contain sexually explicit material. This material is likely not safe for work viewing. The title of the column will include the major topic of the post, so please read the topic when deciding whether or not to read the entire column.

Dear Professor Foxy,

I know by now that feminist romance can be as good as and often more creative than "traditional" romance. However, I was reading about Jessica Valenti's Big Feminist Wedding and I noticed that there was (intentionally) very little ceremony surrounding the proposal and it sounded disappointing to me because though I have a feminist relationship I am also a huge romantic. I love telling my girlfriends the story of how my boyfriend and I kissed for the first time even though I waited for him to kiss me, I knew I could kiss him if I wanted. I enjoy the sense of mystery, subtlety and flirtation that goes into a good romance and I love to be seduced. My question is, is this feminist? I pay half the bill or pay the bill half the time, I drive him places, and I never took too much interest in who was opening doors to begin with. In my opinion, romance is not "guys doing stuff for girls" but I do think that doing thought out, surprising, and tactful things for one another is part of the fine art of romance that I love so much. What does a feminist have to say about redefining romance as it seems to often be entangled with sexism and archaic traditions? I want to redefine the popular romantic acts in such a way that it's fair to all sexes, that we may learn to give and recieve love from our partners. I also want to know how most feminists deal with the place of romance in their own relationships and how they determine what kind of role romance plays. Because romantic relationships have long been defined by strict gender rolse, I think there's a lot of room for discussion here about how we can dismantle those roles and what valuable things (if any) we can take away from them. When is something sexist versus romantic and how can feminism enhance romance, instead of bog it down in questions of what does and does not qualify as feminist or sexist?
From,
A Romantic

Hi A Romantic -
Feminism is not a monolithic belief system and feminists are not a monolithic people. What works for Jessica does not have to work for all of us or for you. It just has to work for Jessica.

Just like in an earlier column about feminists who enjoy being submissive in bed, we need to remember that a core of feminism is choice, if you choose to date a romantic, and love being romanced, that works. On a bigger level, if being romanced makes you feel loved and cared for that is important for all of us. It is equally important that we do the same for our partners and if it makes your boyfriend feel good and involved in the relationship by being romantic there is no reason to negate that.

When it comes to "sexist and anarchistic traditions," it is possible to reclaim many of them to make them for work for us as feminists. Again, it comes back to choice and feeling empowered in that choice. Make sure the ways in which you and your partner care for each other work for you and are agreed upon by both of you.

Being aware, feeling loved, and being a feminist all fit together and each person needs to work that out for themselves and their relationships.

Best,
Professor Foxy

If you have a question for Professor Foxy, send it to ProfessorFoxyATfeministingDOTcom.

This weekly Saturday column "Ask Professor Foxy" will regularly contain sexually explicit material. This material is likely not safe for work viewing. The title of the column will include the major topic of the post, so please read the topic when deciding whether or not to read the entire column.

Dear Professor Foxy,

Please help,
Anxious Partner

Hi Anxious -
Who do you have to talk to about this? A friend you can trust, a therapist? You need someone who can listen to your concerns and help you as they come up.

I am glad you have spoken to him about your fears, but if he is not able to talk about them you need to respect his desire or inability to talk about how he is feeling. Let him know you are here when/if he needs to talk and give him space to work it out as well. It also seems like he should find someone who is employed in a similar profession to talk out his concerns with. Sometimes the only person you can talk to is one doing a similar job or going through the same experience. Support groups exist on the internet.

Are there other jobs he could do? Perhaps phone sex or dancing? Something that is still in the sex industry, but involves less intimate contact and to a certain extent more safety.

If he needs to stay in the escort business, can he call you before and after? Give you his location and if you do not hear from in a set amount of time, you call the police or have a friend that will go over with you. How can you work to make both of you feel safer.

This is a difficult situation and an ongoing process. You both need an outside outlet to work this out. You need to be gentle with yourself and with him.

Best,
Professor Foxy

If you have a question for Professor Foxy, send it to ProfessorFoxyATfeministingDOTcom.

This weekly Saturday column "Ask Professor Foxy" will regularly contain sexually explicit material. This material is likely not safe for work viewing. The title of the column will include the major topic of the post, so please read the topic when deciding whether or not to read the entire column.

Dear Professor Foxy,

Thanks,
Not a "Sir"

Hello Ma'am -

I am really happy that you are this comfortable with yourself and your gender expression. Unfortunately, you are ahead of the world, which has not caught up yet. Regardless of your facial structure, we live in a society that overwhelmingly codes gender by obvious external traits: haircut and clothing type. I have seen butch and soft butch women with extremely feminine facial features and large breasts regularly referred to as "sir."

You are being true to yourself and this is commendable, but not easy. Nor is it going to go away, but it is a great deal less painful to deal with then putting on an exterior that does not reflect you. The real question is how to deal with both the random strangers and your mother.

If you do not feel the need to correct them, then don't. The proper response is whatever feels best for you. I would also talk to your mother, who seems quite supportive, and tell her that you understand it upsets her, but this is who you are and you both have to learn how to deal with this.

I do not think you are accepting male privilege by allowing people to read you as male, you are just reflecting who you are. When you correct people, you expand their idea of what it means to be a woman. Correcting people should be done when you feel comfortable and safe. Unfortunately, this is just something that you and the people you love will have to deal with so you can be true to yourself.

Best,
Professor Foxy

If you have a question for Professor Foxy, send it to ProfessorFoxyATfeministingDOTcom.

This weekly Saturday column "Ask Professor Foxy" will regularly contain sexually explicit material. This material is likely not safe for work viewing. The title of the column will include the major topic of the post, so please read the topic when deciding whether or not to read the entire column.

Dear Professor Foxy,

Thanks,
Not a "Sir"

Hello Ma'am -

I am really happy that you are this comfortable with yourself and your gender expression. Unfortunately, you are ahead of the world, which has not caught up yet. Regardless of your facial structure, we live in a society that overwhelmingly codes gender by obvious external traits: haircut and clothing type. I have seen butch and soft butch women with extremely feminine facial features and large breasts regularly referred to as "sir."

You are being true to yourself and this is commendable, but not easy. Nor is it going to go away, but it is a great deal less painful to deal with then putting on an exterior that does not reflect you. The real question is how to deal with both the random strangers and your mother.

If you do not feel the need to correct them, then don't. The proper response is whatever feels best for you. I would also talk to your mother, who seems quite supportive, and tell her that you understand it upsets her, but this is who you are and you both have to learn how to deal with this.

I do not think you are accepting male privilege by allowing people to read you as male, you are just reflecting who you are. When you correct people, you expand their idea of what it means to be a woman. Correcting people should be done when you feel comfortable and safe. Unfortunately, this is just something that you and the people you love will have to deal with so you can be true to yourself.

Best,
Professor Foxy

If you have a question for Professor Foxy, send it to ProfessorFoxyATfeministingDOTcom.

This weekly Saturday column "Ask Professor Foxy" will regularly contain sexually explicit material. This material is likely not safe for work viewing. The title of the column will include the major topic of the post, so please read the topic when deciding whether or not to read the entire column.

Hello Professor Foxy,

Thank you,
Shy About Inverted Nipples

Hello Shy -

Things are a problem, if they are a problem for you. If a part of your body makes you uncomfortable, it matters.

Both men and women have inverted nipples. Breasts are different on everybody: size, shape, aerola and nipple size, color, heft, etc. Around 20 percent of women have at least one inverted nipple. (That's right, people can have one inverted and one not).

The important thing about this is to claim them. They are a part of you and if you can find them hot others will follow. As a sex educator, people constantly talk to me about the parts of their bodies that they hate. My response is pretty consistent "people are just glad to be in bed with you. No one is judging your body more than you are."

As for guys ignoring your breasts, the only way to get what you want in bed is to ask for it. Move your lover's hands to your breasts and moan. Erect nipples are just one way we have of showing our lovers what we like, our linguistic and verbal cues and how our body moves are equally if not more important.

Some people with inverted nipples do get them pierced and while there are no great studies, for some people this actually does cause the nipple to stand out even after the piercing is removed. If you decide to go this route, I would carefully choose a piercer who has experience piercing inverted nipples. Call around and find someone who will answer your questions honestly. Piercing causes scar tissue to form and this may impact your sensitivity (for better or worse) or your ability to breastfeed (if you want to have children and breast feed).

I would try the owning route first. See how it feels to try and love and accepting your body as is and projecting that to lovers. Give it time and see if you can start to truly love what you have.

Best,
Professor Foxy

If you have a question for Professor Foxy, send it to ProfessorFoxyATfeministingDOTcom.

This weekly Saturday column "Ask Professor Foxy" will regularly contain sexually explicit material. This material is likely not safe for work viewing. The title of the column will include the major topic of the post, so please read the topic when deciding whether or not to read the entire column.

Dear Professor Foxy,

Yours,
Wavering-by-Worcester

Hi Wavering -

Ahhhhh the interwebs and social networking sites slowly taking away our ability to have any degree of privacy. This is a process and I am glad you want to go through it.

My first step would be to talk to your boyfriend and let him know that you are going to have this conversation. This will likely change the way your mother interacts with him and he needs to be prepared for that. It may just be an initial change, but you both need to be ready to deal with this change.

Next I would make a list of all of the questions your parents are going to ask and focus on the ones that will annoy you most. I don't know your parents, so I am just going to put out some possibilities:
Honey, do you think you can't get a man who really loves you?
He is getting his cake and eating it too.
Darling, you know you aren't actually ok with that.
In my day, we just called it cheating.

Then you need to think of calm, rational answers. And keep repeating them. Whenever we come out about something, be it our gender identity, our sexual orientation, or our relationship status, we have had time to process and work through it. Others will need that same sort of time. Keep in mind that if your parents have friends on the same site, they may need to end up explaining this to their friends as well.

Answer their questions with patience. I also caution that words like polyamory may not work for the first conversation. Keep it simple. "Mom, I know you keep asking me about the woman who says she is in a relationship with Jack. They are in a relationship. I've always known about it. Jack and I are serious and committed and we see other people. We are open and honest with each other and this works really well for both of us."

If she denigrates the relationship, I would point out ways that he has been great in the past. When he has been at family functions, when he has helped your family, how happy you are together.

And then, and this may be the most difficult part, let it go. It will take time for your mother to understand and accept this (just ask the majority of queer folks who eventually have accepting parents). Keep answering their questions, but also set boundaries. If either of them are rude to your boyfriend or questions his love for you, you can call a stop to that. Your relationship and partner deserves respect.

This is the last and most important part - prove them wrong by actions. Show them that for all of their preconceived notions of what a "real" relationship is, you and your man are happy and love each other. It takes time, but this will be the greatest convincer of all.

Best,
Professor Foxy

If you have a question for Professor Foxy, send it to ProfessorFoxyATfeministingDOTcom.

This weekly Saturday column "Ask Professor Foxy" will regularly contain sexually explicit material. This material is likely not safe for work viewing. The title of the column will include the major topic of the post, so please read the topic when deciding whether or not to read the entire column.

Dear Professor Foxy,

Thanks,
Conflicted

Dear Conflicted -

I in no way think you are going against yourself. In the words of a trans woman friend of mine who I spoke to about this question "everyone has the right to sexual pleasure with the body they have." Your body does not match your gender and that is hard. Let's think of ways to make it less of a disconnect. I love the support of your partner. First, how do you and she refer to your genitalia? Instead of penis, why not use words like clit, pussy, or whatever word you like the best. You are female and, in sexual situations, should feel free to use female words to refer to your genitals. This may feel awkward at first, but I think you'll grow into it.

What do you picture in your mind? If you are thinking about penis, penis it will be. Think of your genitalia as female and it may start to be much more comfortable. Inner voices will likely tell you that you are lying to yourself, try ignoring them or answering them with "it is MY clit." A lot of people, trans and cis, do not use the biologically accurate terms to refer to their genitalia and gain power and pleasure from this.

As you move through transitioning, you deserve sexual pleasure. Frankly, I think it will be a good release.

As to your question for the future, sex reassignment surgery (SRS) has different outcomes for different people, but the majority of trans women do have sexual sensation. I also think that many of the things that you describe (uncomfortableness with your genitalia and body) will be alleviated. In all people, being comfortable with one's body is key to enjoying sex.

Choose your surgeon carefully, see pictures of her work ahead of time to make sure you like the physical outcome. Make sure she will talk to you about your fears and concerns. See if you can find other trans women (the internet is a great resource for this) who have used the same surgeon. How do they feel about their results?

Keep in mind that this is surgery and your body is going to take time to heal, do not panic if it takes up a few months for sensation to develop in your genitalia or any place where you have had surgery.

Sexual sensations may also be different and try to embrace this. It is a mark of a new body and a new relationship with your body.

Last, celebrate. Why not have a vulvatastic party with your partner? You are coming into a new phase and that should be honored. Transitioning can be difficult, but there are rewards and happiness along the way. Enjoy them!

Best,
Professor Foxy

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This weekly Saturday column "Ask Professor Foxy" will regularly contain sexually explicit material. This material is likely not safe for work viewing. The title of the column will include the major topic of the post, so please read the topic when deciding whether or not to read the entire column.

Hi Professor Foxy,

I came out of a 5 year relationship at the beginning of the year, he is the only man I've ever had sexual intercourse with. I'm currently enjoying myself being a free agent - being able to explore my sexuality, pursuing women and men and all types of relationships (not just monogamy).

Despite having quite a lot of opportunities I've not had sexual intercourse with anyone else yet. I caught genital warts/HPV from my first partner, so the big barrier for me in having sex with anyone else is in telling prospective partners and also the big fear of catching something else because of my bad luck with my first sexual partner.

At the clinic they advised me to tell every partner before I sleep with them and to go to the clinic with them if they were worried about catching it, but how does this work in real life? My friends tell me I shouldn't worry about telling someone at the beginning of a relationship if we're using protection (which of course I will), but I know HPV can be passed on through skin to skin contact. I want to be responsible and tell every partner but I really need help in how to broach that subject - especially at the beginning of a casual relationship or in a one night stand.

In my head this has become such a big thing, I feel almost like a leper. I know HPV isn't really a big thing, it's the common cold of STIs but what's the best way of discussing this in the 'heat of the moment'? I know so much about HPV, how do I give someone the information they need - that a large percentage of sexually active people have it, it's linked to cervical and penile cancer, without completely frightening someone to death? I feel like my sex life is on hold while I try to deal with this - despite wanting to go further than kissing and cuddling with partners I can't because I'm scared of being rejected.

On top of this I have a history of OCD and anxiety, so it feels like I take this issue much more seriously than others!

Some practical advice in what to say to partners and how to handle asking questions about others' sexual health would be great!

Thank you,

Worry Wart

Hello Worry Wart -
You clearly know a lot about HPV, but I am going to take a moment to do some background for those who are not familiar with it. First, HPV is the common cold of sexually transmitted infections (STIs). If you are sexually active (anything involving genital contact), you've likely had it. However, just like the common cold, there are many strains of HPV with the majority passing through and out of a person's body before they even know they've had it.

There are some strains that cause genital warts and then others that cause cervical/penile cancers (and increasing evidence shows they also can lead to head and neck cancers). Just to be perfectly clear, these are different strains that cause cancer or cause genital warts. The kind you have causes warts, not cancer. People can have both, but your healthcare provider should have checked.

I appreciate your desire to tell your sexual partners. I agree that you do not have to tell people you are just kissing or possibly thinking about hooking up with about your status. It is not their business and they are not at risk of catching anything.

When you are at the place of considering oral, anal, vaginal penetration, you should tell them. You don't have to give them every single bad outcome, but something to the extent of "before we go any further, you should know I have HPV. The kind that causes genital warts. I checked before we started hooking up and I don't have any visible warts, but I want you to know." Then wait; the next step is up to them. If they are comfortable asking questions, answer them honestly. Respect their decision on what to do next. But, and this is a huge but, they do not have the right to make you feel dirty. People with STIs are not dirty. They are simply people who have an STI. If your potential partner reacts negatively, you learned early this is not someone you want to be active with.

Now people with vaginas can have warts in non-visible places, but a visual scan is important to see any that you can.

I also hear your concern about catching something else. You take a risk when you do any kind of fluid exchange with another person. Oral, anal, vaginal - whatever your pleasure - you take a risk. Using latex barriers helps to lower that risk. I also always recommend doing a scan of your partner's genitals. This sounds very cold and awkward, but before putting your mouth or anything else on another's genitals something kiss the stomach while you look. In life, most things have risks, it is deciding when the gain (be it pleasure, desire, intimacy) outweighs the risks.

Best,
Professor Foxy

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Hi Professor Foxy,

Happy but safety conscious kinkster

Hello Happy Kinkster -

I hear you. While I am often a fan of Mr. Savage's advice, I have to admit that the meeting someone over the internet without a shit-ton of safety precautions feels like a really bad idea.

On the other hand, your needs and desires are clear. There are still sex/kink parties around, but they can be difficult to find and are much more of a private party type these days. So what's a kinky girl to do?

Have an email exchange about what your boundaries and desires are. Discuss how you want this to progress and gage the response. If you are satisfied, move on to the next step: either phone calls or meeting in person. If it is phone calls, keep your inner check in on. Does this still feel right? When and if you are ready, move on to the step below.

I would ask if you have a friend that you are out to about this behavior. If not, I think you need to figure out who you can come out to. If your partner is ok with it, have them play this role. When you place or answer an ad on the internets that describes your kink, at a minimum your friend needs to have all the person's contact information in addition to where you are meeting and setting up pre-arranged times to call. In a best case scenario, when you meet this person your friend is sitting a few seats away and is keeping an eye on things.

I would also carefully lay out boundaries with the potential hook up. First meeting in a completely public place with no chance of sex or sex play. At this meeting, lay out what your boundaries are and what you are and are not willing to do. How does the potential hook up respond? Does she/he agree? Ask probing questions? Seem genuinely respectful?

If all goes well, I would suggest trying to find a public dungeon or sex party to go to with the potential. You should meet there so you have your own transport. See how the potential hook up acts. Same things as before - respectful, genuine?

Since your kink involves a great deal of safety and trust, I would also do ramp up on the activities. If you like being fully trussed up, start off with having sex in which the hook up demands you stay still, but you can still move. Then do feet or hands, and keep moving the action up to where you can get what you desire.

In all of this you need to listen to your gut and listen hard, too many women ignore their instincts in our society-molded desire to please and not to offend. This is about you and your safety.

Best,
Professor Foxy

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Professor Foxy is on vacation for the next two weeks, so no Ask Professor Foxy column for the next two Saturday's folks!

In the mean time, send your questions to professorfoxy@feministing.com.

The column will be back on Saturday August 15th.

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Dear Professor Foxy,

Thank you,
Searching in Vain

Hi Searching in Vain -
I think you are starting off on the right track by speaking with your friends. The next step is to call to schedule an appointment with one of those healthcare providers and make it clear to the person that you want to speak with the provider prior to the visit. If the receptionist refuses to do this, you do not even to step into that office, you know that it is not the place for you.

I am purposefully not saying doctor because there are many other types of healthcare providers with whom you may feel more comfortable. Registered nurses, nurse midwives, and physician's assistants can also provide many of these services and studies show that these types of healthcare providers tend to spend more time with their patients.

Also think about the demographics of the person you want to see. Many people prefer one gender over the other or feel more comfortable with certain age ranges. You can also ask for this information when you call.

Some other ideas include calling a local rape crisis or sexual assault center to see if they have healthcare providers that they regularly work with that they could recommend.

Also think about bringing a friend or loved one for support. This person can accompany you all the way through the conversation and exam.

I recognize that this is incredibly hard and I am doubly sorry that your mother's doctor made it so much worse. Healthcare providers should never reduce people to their body parts, especially when it comes to our genitalia.

We all deserve healthcare providers who talk to us with our clothes on, who listen to our concerns and who treat us like human beings. It will take you time and effort, but I believe you can find such a person.

Best,
Professor Foxy

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Dear Professor Foxy,

Thanks!

Hello Feminist Mom -

I think that the first place to start is with your own attitudes and values about sex. Clearly, you have spent some time working out how you want to raise your son and I commend you for this. Do you want him to put sex and caring together? Do you want him to put sex and a serious relationship together? Sex and love?

Your son is seven and it is important to balance your own desire to be open and honest with what is age appropriate for him. It is also important to keep in mind that the best sex education from a parent or guardian is not "the talk," but many, many talks and a shown willingness to answer questions without judgment and to provide resources beyond yourself. I am also heavily invested in what is referred to as "teachable moments." For example, when your son comes home and tells you that his friend has two daddies or when his teacher is pregnant. These are chances to naturally discuss sex and sexuality with your own son. More importantly, it is a chance to impart your values to him.

I worry that in progressive sexual circles, we too often remove values from our conversations, but we have to remember that values are important and can include things like respect and acceptance. The far right and conservatives have claimed the word values for far too long.

So what values do you want to impart to your son? You can describe it as something that two people do when they are older and when they care about each other. He may very well be satisfied with this answer for the beginning. If he presses further, you can give more details: sex is when two people (you can say adult if you want) who care about each other are naked together and touch each other.

What is important here is to separate sex from procreation. When he comes to you and asks how a baby is made or you have one of these teachable moments of your own or another's pregnancy, you can then say it takes a part from a man (semen) and a part from a woman (egg). When a man and a woman have sex, they can make a baby. Then go on to explain that while it does take a part from a man and a part from a woman, families look all sorts of ways and many families do not involve a mommy and a daddy.

One of my favorite, favorite authors on this topic is Robie Harris. Her books, It's Not the Stork!, It's Perfectly Normal, and It's So Amazing, talk about sex and sexuality in kind, age-appropriate, and progressive ways. You can tell they are amazing since they constantly top the list of most banned books. I would buy them for yourself and your son.

What is most important in all of this is that he knows he can ask his mom anything, so as he ages and begins to think about becoming sexually active himself, he knows he can turn to you for help and advice and information about safe sex. You are off to a great start.

Best,
Professor Foxy

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Dear Professor Foxy -

Thanks,
-Me

Hi Me-
Thanks for writing in. I think that there are several things going on here. Some or all of which may apply.

1. Sometimes fantasies are just fantasies. I have an odd one involving the Rock, but he is a Republican and so it can never be. Yet the fantasy continues. We can enjoy something knowing it is only fantasy and it can remain that way.

2. Your thinking and worrying about this is putting it more on your brain. Your desire to suppress this it makes more forbidden and therefore hotter. Again, my lust for the Rock cannot be fulfilled but when I see him as a gay bodyguard in Be Cool, it comes back again.

3. Maybe your heteroness is getting satisfied by your boyfriend and this is allowing more space in your fantasy life. Ever been told you can't eat something, doesn't it make you want it more?

And here is the hardest advice to take: stop worrying about it. Enjoy what your have now. You may one day be not satisfied with your sex life for numerous reasons: new fantasies, attraction to women, an inability to stop fantasizing about the Rock. Why worry about all of these things now? Enjoy where you are in both your solo and shared sex life. Recognize how these sides compliment and bolster each other. Take pleasure in them and enjoy your same-sex masturbation and heterosexual partnered sex.

Best,
Professor Foxy

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Professor Foxy,
I am newly divorced from a relationship I began at age 17. I am now 29, and playing the field a bit. Truly enjoying some of my new found freedom and exploring my sexuality in many ways, for the first time.

Recently, it was brought to my attention that I am a little different. You see, I don't shave my pubic hair. It's not that I never have, its that I don't really like to. I trim, keep it neat and aesthetically pleasing to my tastes. I have played around with shaving, have bought and used the best and sharpest razors, and really tried to make it work. What I've discovered is that it's a pain in the butt (how does a mom find that much time alone to shave labia!), the shave is never close enough (always the sensation of stubble at least in some areas) and man am I afraid to cut myself! Plus, you have to shave all the time! A vulva with a 5 o'clock shadow is not sexy to me, neither is razor burn, and my crotch feels itchier and sweatier when I'm hairless (where my newly shaven skin touches the insides of my thighs).

Right now, I'm giving up, and I guess I don't understand why so many women do this? Do I just have more and thicker hair than most women, making shaving just not right for me and my body? Is every woman just living with the discomforts I experience? My partner who mentioned it (he's much younger and I think I was the first woman with pubic hair he has ever slept with, haha, I'm proud) basically indicated it was better for him as far as cunnilingus. That seems fair enough. It's a pragmatic enough reason, and for the same reason I prefer it when my partner shaves or at least trims and does basic maintenance.

On the other hand, what the fuck?! I am a woman, not a little girl! The unapologetic feminist in me wants to flip anybody who doesn't like pubic hair the bird!

Why are so many women doing this; pragmatic reasons, purity myth, both? Is having pubic hair such an anomaly that it is something I need to discuss with a new sexual partner before hand? I don't want to have sex with a guy who thinks my pubic hair is a novelty.

Sincerely,
(Insert any catchy non-offensive name of your choosing pertaining to my lovely pubes ;)

Hi IACNNOYCPTMLP -

Hair is one of the new feminist sex frontiers. Pubic hair and its trimming, shaping, and full removal were not the talked about and at times expected topic until the 90s. On its most basic level pubic hair exists to cushion the skin and genitalia of men and women during sex.

While it is now portrayed as the norm to shave and remove pubic hair, I doubt that it is "the standard" that the media implies that it is. On a sex etiquette level, I think some trimming is appropriate (for all genders). It provides easier access to genitalia with less of a chance of getting pubic hair in one's partner's mouth.

You are a grown and mature woman, who has made a decision about her body that is right for her. Stick with it. Lovers who reject you based on your pubic hair are asking you to change your decisions about your body. It may not be as serious as abortion, but it is still your body and your body integrity.

Every woman has different thickness and amounts of pubic hair, there is no standard. What matters is what you want. Some women may love removing their pubic hair (via shaving, waxing, or depilatory). Shaving is not itchy for everyone; it really depends on how sensitive your skin is.

Beyond the pragmatic reasons for removal of pubic hair, we cannot ignore our society's obsession and fetishization of youth. The pressure to remove and limit women's pubic hair is certainly an example of this. There is also another aspect of this that speaks to women being available and ready for sex by having constantly sculpted genitals.

You know what is best for you and have made the decision what works for you. Stick with it. Society will always pressure women to maintain a false version of perfection and this has reached even into our genitals.

Best,
Professor Foxy

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Apologies for the delay, there were some technical difficulties - PF

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Dear Professor Foxy,

Thanks,
L

Hey L -
Two major thoughts occur to me:

1. How much people want to be normal when it comes to sex. Have sex at the right time. Make the right noises, Smell the right way. And how there really is no normal. The only thing that actually matters is what is right for you.

2. I can't give you a clean answer to have sex or not to have sex. Culturally, we tie a lot of import to THE FIRST ONE for women. While we can go through a lot of feminist deprogramming, that deprogramming does not always reach our own feelings and self-judgments. This is a decision you have to make for yourself, both how much it matters it to you and whether or not to have sex.

What it really comes down to is how much emphasis you place on what you are defining as sex. And I think that the "defining" part is key. I am not sure how sexually intimate you are with your current partner. Are you doing everything but putting penis into vagina? Or are you at the kissing and above the waist groping stage?

If you are at a clothes on or no exchange of bodily fluids or no penetration stage, having sex is a pretty big step and one you do not seem ready to take.

If you are already getting naked, exchanging bodily fluids, etc, you are closer to having vaginal-penile intercourse and it may make more sense to have sex.

I think there is something emotionally safer about having sex with someone who is leaving. No matter how emotional or invested you find yourself afterwards, they are going to be gone and you cannot tie unrealistic expectations to them. Time limited relationships also allow the person to stay closer to perfection. Traits that may later become annoying (leaving the seat up, an obnoxious laugh) are sweet and endearing in only a few months.

You also get to get over your first time jitters with someone who you are not trying to build a long-term relationship with. That can make all the potentially embarrassing moments less embarrassing.

The other side is you may regret it. Regret is a funny thing because there are very few predictors of what we will regret. Keep in mind you can start to have sex and stop at any point. If your inner voice starts to tell you that sex is not right, stop. You owe no one sex.

And if you decide to have sex, make sure to make it safe. Use condoms, women get pregnant, become HIV positive, or catch a sexually transmitted disease the first time.

You need to make your own choice, but weigh the pros and cons and listen to your gut. Only you can know what is best for you.

Best,
Professor Foxy

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Professor Foxy:

-Pondering

Hi Pondering -
Ahhhh Freud and his lovely little misogynistic theories on women's orgasms. For those not familiar, Freud theorized that there were two types of female orgasm: vaginal and clitoral. He then ranked them. . . vaginal, of course, being the higher, "truer" orgasm since it depended on assumed male penetration. Women have been dealing with the fall out ever since.

I do not think there are two types of orgasms. I think there are a thousand types of orgasms. There are not even two places where orgasms come from. For some people, it is clitoral and vaginal. For others, orgasms come from anal stimulation, nipple play, or even just their thoughts.

You were in tune with your sexuality by yourself and then successfully adapted that with your current boyfriend. It took a little while, but I am glad you two worked it out. It sounds like you were a good instructor and he was willing to learn. That does not mean that your orgasms with him are like your orgasms with yourself.

However, there really are a lot of different types of orgasms in their depth, intensity, what shakes, after feelings etc. The orgasms you have while masturbating are ones honed through five years of touching yourself. You are super comfortable, know your exact spots and have instantaneous feedback. These orgasms are going to be intense. Your orgasms or orgasmic feelings with your boyfriend don't have all of those elements. They are going to be different and feel different.

Orgasms are like music. Sometimes you may want hip-hop, other days classical, other days folk. Each is beautiful and invokes different feelings and sensations. I would focus less on comparing the two then in enjoying the way that each is different and lovely.

Best,
Professor Foxy

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Hi Professor Foxy,

Thanks for your help,
Sexually Stifled

Hi Sexually Stifled -
Thanks for writing in. You are clearly torn about your desire to maintain this relationship and your desire to be sexually involved with more than just your boyfriend.

Let's talk a little bit about nonmonogamy. Nonmonogamous relationships in all of their iterations (more about this in a minute) are just as valid and functional and workable as monogamous ones. The media and society really only portray monogamous relationships as valid and as soon as one person in a monogamous relationship begins to look at other people (GASP), the relationship is headed for doom. In reality, strong nonmonogamous relationships are much like strong monogamous relationships. The people involved talk about their feelings, their boundaries, and where they want the relationship to go.

It is also important to realize that there is a really wide range of nonmonogamous relationships. Some involve just the occasional kissing outside of the primary relationship, some just sex, and still others are polyamorous (many loves) and involve multiple relationships and lovers.

Now back to your situation, in this present relationship your boyfriend is really trying to accommodate your needs and desires. He gets big points for that. But I sense a real either/or in your letter "Is it worth potentially destroying an otherwise wonderful, loving relationship to have these sexual experiences?" You are pre-assuming destroying the relationship. Since you two are clearly having some good conversations about this situation, why not ask him about the possibility of opening up the relationship a little bit more. Not just for you, but for him as well.

You can keep your relationship as the primary and central relationship, but have sexual experiences with other people. Start off slow - maybe limiting it to kissing strangers at bars. See how that feels for both of you. You may love hooking up with others, but if he is engaging in the same behaviors: how do you handle it? Keep it there for a month or more, then see how it feels to ramping it up a little more: maybe making out without penetration of any sort (no oral, anal or vaginal sex or fingers into orifices).

You should make sure to discuss what I think of as a checklist for nonmonogamy:

1. What time and spaces are just for the two of you? For example, no kissing other people at family functions. Can other lovers come into your bed or do you have to go to a neutral space?

2. What behaviors are off limit? People in nonmonogamous or polyamorous relationships often reserve certain activities just for the primary relationship. These are not just sexual activities. A married heterosexual couple I know who are poly only hold hands with each other. Holding hands feels really intimate to them and they reserve that for one another.

3. What people are off limits? Can you hook up with friends? Just strangers?

4. What about sexual safety? Many, many poly people do not exchange bodily fluids outside of their primary relationships. Barrier methods are paramount here.

5. What must you tell other sexual interests? Do you tell other people you hook up with that you have a primary relationship and that needs to be respected?

6. What details do you share with each other? What do you tell each other after you hook up with some one else? This may actually become a turn on over time. Jealousy is normal and natural and should not be a deal killer, but rather something to be talked and worked through.

7. How do you honor your relationship? This is so, so important. After you hook up with someone else, what do you do to reconnect as a couple? Do you have dinner just the two of you? Do you cuddle for an hour? This step can be the most relevant to keeping your relationship healthy and strong. The other person needs to feel loved and cared for.

While this list may seem a little exhausting (and I am sure readers can suggest other things to think about), how much better would all relationships be (monogamous and not) if we took the time to talk these things out? Even monogamous people flirt with others, desire others and should talk to their partners about it. I would suggest reading the Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Catherin Liszt. It delves into these issues in a clear, easy to understand way.

Here is the other issue. Right now, you have already broken the boundaries of your monogamous relationship. You need to determine whether or not to tell him. I lean towards yes. If you want to be able to talk about opening up your relationship, trust and honesty are necessary and you need to re-establish that after you tell him.

Monogamy may just not be for you. You need to seriously think if you want to or can be monogamous. Fantasizing about someone else during sex is not necessarily a problem, but clearly it is for you. Your desires are increasing, not decreasing. Being a nonmonogamous or polyamorous person may be the healthiest way for you to be true to who you are.

Best,
Professor Foxy

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Hey Professor Foxy,

-Awkward

Hi Awkward -
Thanks for writing in. I believe asexuality exists. Sexuality is a continuum and asexuality is one side of that.

I do not think there is a test of asexuality; same as there is no test of gayness or bisexuality. I think, much like being queer, there is a feeling that exists inside and again, like being queer, it is a process to come to a place of acceptance and claim that identity.

When you are not the "norm" of heterosexuality, you may realize it at four or fifteen or fifty. When you realize is when you realize. There is no age minimum or maximum.

You may one day meet the man or woman with whom you feel sexual or you may not. Sexuality is fluid and it can change over time.

What I think makes asexuality a little more difficult is that many people still do not believe it exists. However, there is starting to be increased attention to people who are asexual. There are dating services for asexual people to date other asexual people. Sex is only one part of a relationship: many asexual people still need companionship and love and someone to share their lives with. The great thing about asexual people dating other asexual people is that it eliminates the pressure of sex and for some the pressure of physical intimacy.

I am sorry about your mother. I would find a line and stick to it. Maybe something along the lines of "I am not into dating right now" or "I am focused on my job, school, or career." If and when you are ready to explain how you feel, you can but until then take time to become comfortable with being asexual first.

I would encourage you to seek out other asexual people. Support is a lovely and necessary thing. In addition, you may find someone to build a life with or others to talk about being happily perpetually single. Here are a couple of web sites to get you started: Asexuality Meet up Groups and the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network. Community is important, especially when becoming comfortable with who you are.

Best,
Professor Foxy

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Dear Professor Foxy,

Frustrated in Chicago

Hi Frustrated -
Up until this point in this column, I have been wary of medicalizing women's bodies. Too often our bodies have been reduced to parts and I firmly believe our largest sex organ remains not the one between our legs, but the one between our ears.

First, let me apologize for the people who have brushed you off in the past and put their assumptions of your sexuality (too young or inexperienced) over your actual experience. Let's talk some medical possibilities and let's talk some other options.

Since you eliminated many, many of the things I would have suggested as a problem and since you are concerned that it may be medical, I went to a doctor. Here is what she told me:
"I am a physician specializing in women's health at Howard Brown Health Center in Chicago. Believe it or not, I have had many women have these concerns.

It is actually not too uncommon that young women do not have orgasms. You have mentioned several things in your detailed letter already that helps rule out many causes including some of the most common reasons being attitude towards body and sex. Another common cause of this is medications. I doubt this is the case with you since you have had this concern since your teens. If you are having a normal level of libido and excitability it is not a problem with your hormones (especially your testosterone level). Most women I see with an inability to orgasm do not have medical problems.

Having said that, many women orgasm differently. Some women orgasm with clitoral stimulation, some only orgasm with g-spot stimulation. Even the need for clitoral stimulation is different for every woman. Some will orgasm with light flickering touch, some will prefer deep slow grinding motion. Some will only come with vibrators, penetration, grinding, or nipple stimulation. Some women masturbate with water; some need anal stimulation to orgasm. I would encourage you to think about the times you have been able to come close to it and think about what it was that you enjoyed and go explore that some more. The other encouraging thing is that most women report that their sex is better as they get older! "

Ahh. . . a sex positive healthcare provider is a wonderful thing. I would second everything she said. Try all the different things she suggested, including having your testerone level checked.

I would also suggest to stop thinking about how you cannot cum. Often times we set ourselves up for failure before we even start. I would also try doing Kegel's, these exercises may give you an increased level of control over your vaginal muscles.

I hope that some part of this advice works for you. Best of luck,
Professor Foxy

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Hia Professor Foxy.

-Frustrated

Hi Frustrated
Congratulations on the new boobs! I want to echo your thoughts on new desires emerging during your transition. It wasn't until friends of mine started transitioning that I really understood the power of hormones. I think you are right that hormones that you take are impacting your sexuality. Our desires and sexual needs are complicated, complicated things and they are certainly impacted by what hormones to what levels. I also think that starting to have an outside appearance that mirrors your insides is likely also having an impact.

Part of this process is also going to have to be exploring your new body and your new desires and not judging yourself during this process. You can even think of it as a burden or as an extra gift during transition. Unlike cisgendered women, who typically have to get used to things on their body, you are going to be able to explore things on your body that you very much want: the breasts, the hips you will likely develop. Enjoy it!

I did a bunch of web and asking my people research and my experience in trying to find some good, respectful, positive resources was also not great. Everything I found tended to be about the transitioning or coming out process, but I have a few suggestions, which I hope help.

The first is www.strap-on.org, which bills itself as a "queer positive, trans positive, sex positive, girl positive community." It is a message board, not a resource site, but I found the conversations and mission to be smart and engaging. It is easy to start your own thread. My other suggestion is live journal, which can become an online community. You might start by checking out the communities of mtf_undressed and mtfinbed. I also like following Kate Bornstein, an amazing trans woman activist who is also sex positive, on twitter.

There will unfortunately, be transphobic asses everywhere, but these sites seemed to be overwhelmingly positive.

Enjoy your journey - you deserve it.
Professor Foxy

If you have a question for Professor Foxy, send it to ProfessorFoxyATfeministingDOTcom.

This weekly Saturday column "Ask Professor Foxy" will regularly contain sexually explicit material. This material is likely not safe for work viewing. The title of the column will include the major topic of the post, so please read the topic when deciding whether or not to read the entire column.

I am a female ejaculator. I discovered this hidden talent when I was with my ex, and although it was a surprise to both of us at first, we both enjoyed it immensely. I don't mind that I come this way, but it is kind of frustrating that it happens every single time I orgasm, because it can be pretty messy. In fact, I don't think I can have an orgasm without ejaculating.

On the other hand, as a feminist I think it's a double standard that men can ejaculate and its normal, but if I do it's wrong and gross. I'm not ashamed of the fact that I do, but I'm a little worried about how my partner will react. Obviously he should accept me as I am, etc., etc., but even as a feminist I can be self-conscious. So, what do I do? Should I warn him or just let it happen?
Thanks,
Worried

Hi Worried
It is a weird thing to be a sex educator. I've been a part of so many of those "that is gross" conversations. When I speak up and say "actually, a lot of women do that," another woman will speak up with a "yeah, it is not gross." And then two more will come up to me later and say, "I do that." Here the "that" is female ejaculation, but you could substitute in golden showers, being handcuffed, anal sex, and a variety of other activities. Ten percent of women ejaculate when they orgasm, and countless men and women think it is the coolest thing ever.

It is a double standard that men ejaculate and it is wonderful and women do and it is odd. But men and women both judge themselves and worry about their sexual performance and "oddities." In my experience, women talk about it with other women, but men just hold it in. Whenever I do anonymous questions with a group of men and women, the questions are equally divided between the women body and function worries (Do I smell bad?) and the men body and function worries (Is my penis too small? How can I last longer?)

I am so happy for you that your ex reacted so well to your ejaculation. With your next lover, I tend to lean towards the telling them before it happens ... not on a first hang out or date necessarily, but when sex and orgasm seem likely. The first step is for you to feel comfortable with it. (Easier said than done I understand.) But recognize that you can do something that is pretty damn cool and unique, and, at the same time, more common than you think. (I am looking forward to the number of readers who are about to write in telling you that they too are female ejaculators.) When you tell your lover, I would suggest framing it in a not embarrassed way, but rather knowing your body does something pretty damn hot. A potential lover who reacts negatively, while he may bruise your self-esteem, is actually not a lover worth having. When we can own what our bodies do and look like, others will follow.

If you have a question for Professor Foxy, send it to ProfessorFoxyATfeministingDOTcom.

This weekly Saturday column "Ask Professor Foxy" will regularly contain sexually explicit material. This material is likely not safe for work viewing. The title of the column will include the major topic of the post, so please read the topic when deciding whether or not to read the entire column.

Hi Professor Foxy,

Thanks in advance,
Lonely

Hi Lonely -
Although I vowed not to bare the intimate details of my life in this column, I cannot help but respond personally as one not-thin woman to another. I have never been thin and get what it's like to walk through a world that tells you that you are inherently unattractive for the size you wear.

I don't doubt that some men will reject you due to your size, but others will not. Still others find women of size the hottest thing since butter on bread.

But I've found that bigger is better only when you sell it that way. Simply put, you have to think yourself Hot Stuff.

What about you do you find attractive? Yes--society, media, etc. says women over a certain size are unattractive, but I call bullshit. For many of us--size irrelevant given the malarkey all women are taught-- it is believing that we are hot that is difficult.

So how do you find yourself hot? What body parts do you like on yourself? Close your eyes and run your hands over your body . . . isn't there something lovely about how soft you are? What do you wear that feels sexy- playing dress up can help us see the erotic parts of ourselves.

There are thin men out there who date bigger women. The trick is finding them. How are you looking to meet men? Have you tried personal ads? In ads you can put it out there that you are bigger and what you want in a man. It helps lower the rejection factor.

For me, a basic tenet of feminism is not to beat yourself up over your likes/dislikes. Yes, there is some hypocrisy in being attracted to a man of a certain size, but your attraction is there and we can acknowledge our own hypocrisy and then move on.

Losing weight is something that has to be done for you. I would urge you not to focus on your size or weight, but instead on your health. How far can you run? How heavy a bag can you carry? Those numbers are often a better reflection of our health than the numbers on a scale.

As for flirting, there is not some magical code, and frankly, lots of people don't "flirt" at all. Men are just people. Talk to them, have a conversation, laugh. Somewhere in there, you will likely find that you are flirting. Nothing magically leads to another, but a good conversation can lead to a good relationship and/or good sex. Put yourself out there; try to be clear about what (and who!) you are interested in.

The risk of rejection is part of dating, regardless of size. The trick is to realize that being rejected is part of life. Only by putting yourself out there in all your fabulous size are you going to meet someone. I'm not saying it is easy, but only by putting ourselves out there do we get what we want.

If you have a question for Professor Foxy, send it to ProfessorFoxyATfeministingDOTcom.

This weekly Saturday column "Ask Professor Foxy" will regularly contain sexually explicit material. This material is likely not safe for work viewing. The title of the column will include the major topic of the post, so please read the topic when deciding whether or not to read the entire column.

Dear Professor Foxy,
My boyfriend and I want to pursue a threesome. However, there are a few obstacles in our way. Since none of our friends are really an option and we don't know any other people interested, we don't really know where to start. How do people usually go about finding someone for a threesome? We don't like the idea of someone random and/or a hook up. We're kind of stuck on how to go about it.

Hi threesome -
Some place between a random person and a friend is a person who you meet with the clear expectation of working towards a threesome. This way you know the person well enough to feel comfortable having sex with them, but don't jeopardize existing relationships. You also know that they are into threesomes.

There are several ways to find this person. The Internet is an obvious first step. Craig's list, your local alternative paper, Nerve are all excellent ways to start. Another good place is swingers or sex clubs. A good site to start with is Swing Life Style.

Dear Professor Foxy,
I have a question about natural vaginal lubricant. When my partner and I have sex with each other, our hands tend to be all lube-y afterwards. Sometimes the lube is clear and of a water-like consistency while other times it is thick and there are globs of moist white chunky gunk. I've noticed this with other women with whom I have been intimate. I'm just curious what the difference is between the two kinds of leftover lube and what the white chunky stuff is.

Thank you!
Full of Natural Lubrication

Hi Lube -
The consistency, flavor and smell of vaginal lubrication changes depending on many things. Each person is different. Vaginal lubrication comes from several places in the vagina; the Bartholin gland and the vaginal walls being primary. Where a woman is in her cycle will change her thickness and smell. Also what her diet and how sexually aroused she is will be reflected in her vaginal discharge. A sexually transmitted disease can also impact it. If you are worried about the changes, see a healthcare professional to get checked out (since you are sexually active you should see one yearly anyhow). If you are up for it, I would note how the lubrication changes depending on where you are in your menstrual cycle or how sexually aroused you are. You can also experiment with taste by eating naturally sweet fruits and cutting out red meat.

Dear Professor Foxy,
I just want to start off with the fact that I am a virgin who practices abstinence. I practice because I choose to, not because I think it makes me morally better or something (it doesn't). I started masturbating a couple of years ago, and recently I've been trying to make a habit of it. I feel there is a lot of validity in discovering myself sexually and I personally think that a virgin can be sexual. But I'm also very confused about masturbatory techniques.

Sincerely.

Hi Sincerely -
Virgins are sexual people too and finding out what feels good for you before you start having sex with other people is one way of having great sex with other people.

Sexual discovery can be as much work and fun as we like it to be. Becoming more sexual is a process of discovering what we like. People masturbate in many, many ways (I am sure the readers can suggest a bunch). Here are some ideas from me to get you started:
1. The shower or tub head: If you are lucky enough to have a detachable shower head, apply it to your vulva. You can also position your vulva underneath the tub head.
2. Other parts of the body: Do you touch your nipples when you masturbate? Rub your neck? Pull on your ears?
3. Penetration: You can start off easy with fingers in vagina or anus or both. Use lube for anal penetration and for all penetration make sure your nails are short and smooth. A good test is to run them across your palm. If they hurt there they may hurt when inside you. You can even do the two handed method with one hand penetrating and one rubbing your clit.
4. Watching yourself: Position a mirror at the end of the bed while you masturbate or just use it to explore your vulva. Way too few people (especially women) know what their genitals look like.
5. Toys: you can buy a vibrator or dildo or anal beads to try out. Some good online (assuming you do not live near a good sex positive sex toy store) sites to check out Good Vibes, Babeland or Early 2 Bed. You can also call these stores to ask for advice. Early 2 Bed offers a great beginner kit.

If you have a question for Professor Foxy, send it to ProfessorFoxyATfeministingDOTcom.

This weekly Saturday column "Ask Professor Foxy" will regularly contain sexually explicit material. This material is likely not safe for work viewing. The title of the column will include the major topic of the post, so please read the topic when deciding whether or not to read the entire column.

Hi Professor Foxy,

-Lesbian Bed Death

Hi Batteries and Lesbian Bed Death-

I am running both of your questions to prove my first point: yours is one of the most common, and frustrating, problems of all couples. To find a great partner with a matching sex drive feels like the holy grail of relationships.

For many people, relationships start off intensely sexual. You are both new and exploring; the relationship and the sex are central. As we stay in relationships, life tends to intrude, the relationship is no longer central, and sex drops off as we become tired, busy, etc.

It is also important to realize that sex in a relationship is often not just sex. It is an important way of connecting with our partners. It communicates things that words cannot. It validates that we are still attractive, that our partners want us. It may also be the only time in our busy lives that it is just the two of us.

Incompatible sex drives are especially difficult for feminists: where is the line between pressuring partners and compromising ourselves? Differing sex drives is like many things in a relationship, a good resolution is based in compromise.

While we should not force our partners to have sex (ever), we should expect them to compromise. If your ideal amount of sex is 10 times a week and theirs is twice a month: can you agree on a number in between? Does it have to be full on sex, can it be making out? Them making you cum without reciprocation? Friends of mine, married for over thirty years, have very differing sex drives. She - rarely, he - every day. The compromise: twice a week and he gets to choose: Saturday or Sunday and then Wednesday or Thursday.

You can expect your partner to compromise, but you can't expect them to be able to up their sex drive. They may not desire sex as much as you, so you have to deal with the feeling of "why aren't they as into this as I am?"

Try and compromise on acts, level of nakedness, frequency. For some people, the only way to resolve this is for the person with the higher sex drive to have sex with other people. Could that work for you if it is limited to sex? How will it impact your relationship?

At the heart of all good relationships is compromise. Sex is one of the more difficult places to do it, but it is the only way to even begin to resolve your issues. Differing sex drives may not be a reason to end a relationship, but an unwillingness to compromise often is. List out what you want, have them list out what they want, and then try to find the place in between.

If you have a question for Professor Foxy, send it to ProfessorFoxyATfeministingDOTcom.

This weekly Saturday column "Ask Professor Foxy" will regularly contain sexually explicit material. This material is likely not safe for work viewing. The title of the column will include the major topic of the post, so please read the topic when deciding whether or not to read the entire column.

Hello,

thanks for taking the time.

Hi Time -
I am sorry. Sorry that you were victimized once by a man and then victimized again by your friends. I am responding to your question, but with a major caveat: this answer is only a start. You need to find a local support group that can give you space to work through these issues with a therapist and others who have had similar experiences. Here are two good places to start: National Sexual Violence Resource Center and RAINN: Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN).

Rape and sexual assault have many definitions under the law depending on where you live. For your purposes, I think they are irrelevant. In my opinion, you were assaulted. You were assaulted by someone who, to some extent, planned this and that makes it feel even worse. You made your discomfort clear, you made your vulnerabilities clear (your lack of control when you drink), and he took advantage of this.

I am sorry your friends did not protect you in this situation or its aftermath. I am using the word "friends" loosely here, because they are not friends. Friends step up when you start flashing. They watch you and intervene when you are out of control. They stop you from doing things you should not do or things you may regret the next day. And real friends certainly do not blame you after the fact.

His girlfriend did what women are trained to do: blame the other woman. Her "perfect" boyfriend couldn't possibly have cheated and surely he did not set up the night and take advantage of another woman, therefore, in her mind, it has to be your fault. You cannot change her mind and it is not worth your time to try. You seem to swing between realizing that her accusations are baseless and ridiculous and internalizing them and blaming yourself. DON'T. None of this your fault: not that night, not her reaction, not how it impacted their relationship, not its impact on your relationship, not how your "friends" reacted.

Your sexual reaction to these events (inability to put it out of your mind when being sexual with yourself or others) is completely normal. Many survivors of sexual assault have the same experience. With support, many survivors are also able to engage in healthy sexual relationships again. It takes time.

As difficult as this sounds, you need to find a way to develop new friendships and relationships with people who are supportive and who would have stepped in. You need to find a professional to help you work through all of this and to provide support as you move forward. Please contact a local support group and start to work through all of these things. You've taken a really big first step by writing in, now move into the next step.

If you have a question for Professor Foxy, send it to ProfessorFoxyATfeministingDOTcom.

This weekly Saturday column "Ask Professor Foxy" will regularly contain sexually explicit material. This material is likely not safe for work viewing. The title of the column will include the major topic of the post, so please read the topic when deciding whether or not to read the entire column.

Dear Professor Foxy
I have seen a lot of feminist commentary that suggests "faking it" in bed is one of the most inherently anti-feminist acts a woman can do. Faking it is wrong, it is selling yourself short, it is depriving you of your right to a real orgasm and giving in to the perception that men shouldn't ever feel emasculated.

I've faked it before, and I'll do it again. And I guess for clarity's sake I'll explain what I mean by faking. I'm talking just about orgasms. Not faking the whole act, not moaning and groaning when secretly I hate or am uninterested in what's going on. I'm only talking about the occasions where both he and I have put in a good long effort trying to get me to cum, and then eventually getting to a point where I realize it's not going to happen, so I throw in a couple orgasmic cries or grunts or whatever so that he thinks I'm "done." With past boyfriends, I've faked it a lot more often than I do now. One of my exes probably thinks I came every time we had sex when in reality I probably only came twice in the year we dated.

And I refuse to be like that anymore. I've learned that communication in sex is more important than lying, or else I just won't want sex. And this current boyfriend is different. Most of the time, for one thing, I do cum when we fool around; we have a very strong sexual chemistry. But sometimes I don't have orgasms, and I know that's just a part of life, it doesn't bother me. And in fact, my boyfriend understands that. He knows sometimes it just ain't gonna happen and that doesn't mean the sex was bad or that he failed me or that I didn't enjoy it. Sex is about the process for me, not the result, and orgasms are just the icing on the cake. I love that my new boyfriend understands that. So most of the time, when I don't cum, I just say "OK, it's not gonna happen," he accepts it. Which, of course, makes it even easier for me to actually cum! I love our no-stress sex life.

But every once in awhile, I still fake it. Usually because I can sense something in him that cares a little more than usual. I just mean that sometimes you just lie a little to make someone else feel good. Is that really so wrong?

I know a lot of feminists generally abhor faking orgasms--I've certainly seen lots of comments that would suggest it on this website alone--but I really don't see how wanting my partner to feel good has anything to do with patriarchy. It has to do with my love for him. It's not about submitting or feeling unworthy of sexual pleasure; if it was about that, I would fake it every time I don't cum, and I really only do it very rarely. I don't think I have to cum or that there's anything wrong with me for not cumming. It's just about the particular moment, the particular feeling, the particular situation that is generally more complicated and invested with emotion than most commentary that says "faking it is bad!" can express. And basically what I want to know, is why others insist on making me feel guilty about it? Should I be?

Sincerely,
Proud Woman

Hi Proud Woman -
One thing that has been confirmed for me since beginning this column is that there is no monolithic feminist thought. It has been quite lovely.

This feminist is ok with the occasional faking. Our partners, regardless of gender, have egos. And many people have the desire to keep their partner's ego intact. However, we cannot divorce this from the fact that women are socialized to please, to make sure that everyone else is comfortable and happy, and that often women will do these things at the expense of their own happiness (and orgasm). Men and women do a lot of things to make their partners feel loved and supported. I think we all need to find our own line between taking care of our partners and losing ourselves in the socialized desire to please.

But there are some pretty large caveats to faking, even occasional faking. You seem like you have moved to a good place with sex, which means, for you, occasionally faking and a lot of honesty. The larger issue is that many, many women fake often and without thought, this is not a good thing. Consistent faking arises from a combination of factors: the aforementioned need to please, a fear of asking for what we want sexually lest we be judged, how regularly women judge and censor themselves, a lack of knowledge of our bodies and a fear of exploring them. I am ok with faking if you have thoroughly dealt with all of these things.

One of the most frequent questions I get asked by women is "why have I never had an orgasm?" My first response is always "do you masturbate?" How can we expect our partners to please us if we do not even know how to please ourselves?

And in these cases as you said "Faking it is wrong, it is selling yourself short, it is depriving you of your right to a real orgasm and giving in to the perception that men shouldn't ever feel emasculated."

The last part I want to address is people trying to make you feel guilty. Only you control your feelings, others can't make you feel things. If you don't feel guilty, no issue. If you do feel guilty, examine it.

As always, if you have a question for me, please send it to professorfoxy@feministing.com. Thanks!

This weekly Saturday column "Ask Professor Foxy" will regularly contain sexually explicit material. This material is likely not safe for work viewing. The title of the column will include the major topic of the post, so please read the topic when deciding whether or not to read the entire column.

Hi Prof. Foxy,

Confused

Hi Confused -

Glad to know the column is spurring you to think about your own sexuality. We live in a world obsessed with two things: either/or and labels. Regarding sexuality and sexual orientation, we are told we must choose: gay, lesbian, straight, or bi? Which one are you? YOU MUST BE ONE OR THE OTHER. Actually, no you don't. You can be queer, you can be non-identified, you can be attracted only to 5'9" tall redheads who play basketball but are either male or female, you can be all or none of these things.

Part of this may be figuring out that you check or don't check certain boxes during different parts of your life, by that I mean sexual desire, orientation, and identification is fluid. You may date men in your 20s, women in your 30s, both in your 40s. Your figuring it out may mean becoming comfortable with being attracted to a wide variety of genders.

As to only being able to picture yourself in a relationship with a guy, I question how much this has to do with sexual orientation and how much this has to do with what you see in the world around you. Where do we see healthy, stable same-sex relationships? Where do we see happy same-sex couples achieving in this world? Ellen and Portia? And the second one is. . . . . .

Or you may have serious relationships with men and great sex with women. What actually matters in this process is getting to a place where you feel comfortable with who you are. Take time to do this and there may never be a box you want to check. You may have a multitude of experiences and relationships that feel right.

If this all feels too loosey-goosey for you, focus on what you want in a partner regardless of their gender. Funny? Tall? Bookworm? Chocolate lover? And then focus on finding that. When people ask you what you are (cause they will ask), it is ok and fine to say "I don't know," queer, bi or you can say figuring it out. You can say these things for the rest of your life and be quite happy, which is actually what matters after all.

If you have a question for Professor Foxy, send it to ProfessorFoxyATfeministingDOTcom.

There have been a couple of comments about having a content disclaimer and a NSFW (not safe for work) tag on the top of my column, Ask Professor Foxy. The folks at Feministing and I have been discussing this and have thought up a couple of ways to handle the fact that the column is always going to be sexually explicit and almost always deal with NSFW topics.

We wanted to throw our ideas out at you so you can let us know your thoughts. First, my blog title will always give a general idea of the topic, i.e. last week's was on porn and the title said so. Second, we will run some kind of disclaimer along the top to the effect of:

Feministing's weekly Saturday column "Ask Professor Foxy" will regularly contain sexually explicit material. This material is likely not safe for work viewing. The title of the column will include the major topic of the post, so please read the topic when deciding whether or not to read the entire column.

We also discussed not having the full column appear on the front page, which we thought was not a great idea. Feministing often deals with sex and sexuality, and burying the content behind the jump feels like a way of hiding actual sex and making it shameful. If there was one thing I want to avoid is connecting shame and sex.

If you have any strong opinions, let us know in comments!

Thanks to everyone who has been contributing to the dialogue on the new series.

Hey all - Sorry for the late post. Had some technological glitches.
Thanks!

Hi Prof. Foxy,

Thanks so much for any advice you can offer!
Sincerely,
Paranoid Wife

Professor Foxy,
I've had submissive sexual fantasies since I was very young and it's something that I've always found really difficult to come to terms with. I'm a very assertive and driven person in real life so it's just really hard for me to accept how much I sexually enjoy giving up control and power.

-Conflicted feminist

Hi Conflicted -

A good step towards accepting your sexuality for what it is may be to unpack it a little bit more. I want to quote you back to you: I'm a very assertive and driven person in real life so it's just really hard for me to accept how much I sexually enjoy giving up control and power.

I'm going to come back to the first part, but first let's focus on the second part of the sentence: I sexually enjoy giving up control and power. YOU give up control and power. In the real world, power and control are taken from women in an effort to make them submissive. In your sex life, as convoluted as this may seem, you are in power because you make the choice to give up power. Your boyfriend (yay for him) engaged in this because you (still in power) asked him to engage. As much as the sex play is about you "giving up power," in reality you are still the one in control.

A friend of mine is a strong, independent, assertive woman, who, like you, enjoys being submissive sexually, says it this way, "even when I am being submissive, I know that I am the one in power. I let the person dominate me, I set what can and cannot be done, and I can call a beginning and stop to the action."

And now back to the beginning of your sentence "I'm a very assertive and driven person in real life." Sex can be a healthy way of achieving balance in our lives. Acting out your submissive side (a side every person has) allows you to unwind and let go. We all need to have a place to act out all of our different sides and it looks like you have found a place to act out one of them.

Hi,
My question is this: I have found it really hard lately to have sex with my boyfriend (5 year relationship). A little over a year ago he told me that he's a cross-dresser and while he doesn't want a sex change, he does think of himself as significantly female. We lived separately due to my work for about 6 months, and it was fine when we visited each other (about twice a month), probably because there was no sign of it, but we've been living back together again for another six months. He still looks mostly the same as ever (except for shaving legs and chest), and he's keeping a cap on the behavior, but I think I see him differently. For the last four months, I think we've had sex three times. It's weird, he doesn't dress much, but it's in my mind a lot. What's weirder is, it's not penetrative sex that's the problem or cuddles, I just don't like kissing him anymore, or him doing anything downstairs. I kindof just want him to get on with it. I've also been pretty down, probably due to stressing about his "hobby".

Is there a way to get around this? I tried to make myself do it a lot because I read somewhere about fake it til you make it, but I just felt sad.
Sorry, this isn't much of a question -
Q

Hi Q -
I've been staring at your question for a few days now and what keeps hitting me over and over is how difficult a situation it is. First, I want to clean up a couple of misconceptions. Most cross dressers are heterosexual men. While for some people, this is a step for transitioning genders (male to female in this case), the majority of cross dressers are not interested in transitioning. Rather, they are turned on or comforted by wearing women's clothing. I think you get this at least intellectually.

You are writing in to a feminist sex column, so I am going to make the assumption that you want to be accepting of his CD.

Here is the heart of it - things have changed. You acted and built on certain assumptions for the past four years and now, after four years of intimacy and relationship, you are discovering a new aspect of him. Are you pissed that it took him four years to tell you? It's ok to be. You can understand how it took him time to be accepting of himself and to work up the courage to tell you, yet you can still be pissed. You give him deserved credit for "keeping a cap on his behavior" while you are trying to work through this, but at the same time his shaved arms and chest are actually a pretty constant and consistent reminder.

Gender matters in relationships. I don't mean gender as in sex. I mean gender as the percentage we want our partners to be masculine and feminine. You found someone whose percentage worked for you - both sexually and in a relationship - now that percentage has changed. What does this mean for your own percentage?

I think fake til you make it works in certain situations, almost all of which are nonsexual. You need to stop faking and start being honest with yourself about how you feel. Do you have friends you can talk to about this? An online support group for women dealing with the same issue? You need a place to vent without worrying about hurting anyone's feelings; you need to talk this out for yourself before you can work it out with him. You are having sex, but I don't think you are having intimacy. You are trying and it is commendable. I just want you to put yourself first right now.

You may have depression, you may just be sad. I think finding a therapist for at least a couple visits would help. Check out the American Associations for Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists for a therapist who is less likely to be judgmental of the CD and more able to focus on the actual issues.

At the end of the day, this relationship may work and it may not. We want to be GGG (Good, Giving and Game - to borrow from Mr. Savage), but there are some things we just can't be ok with. And this may be yours. But you need to give yourself time and space to really flush out what you are feeling. And then you need to talk to him about it. What compromises can be reached? Maybe he can have other partners who he dresses up for? Maybe you can have other partners who are not into CCD? Maybe he does it ever third Thursday? While being caring for him, you also need to be caring for you.

Welcome to the first edition of our new series, Ask Professor Foxy. If you have questions, send them to ProfessorFoxyATfeministingDOTcom.

Hi Professor Foxy,

--Not Doing It in Florida

Hey Florida -

I want you to stop thinking about having sex. Just stay with me here...one of the things that the abstinence-only movement, and frankly most of our culture teaches us, is that sex is VERY, VERY, VERY SERIOUS. And I am going to tell you a little secret - sex, really, really good sex is fun and funny and involves intimacy and laughing and oops moments and funny noises.

So this is what I want you and your husband to do. I want you to take the pressure of penetration off the table. First, learn how to enjoy each others' bodies. Practice sex not being serious.

I want you to spend one week, a minimum of an hour a day, kissing and cuddling. Nothing more. Week two - I want you to have a week of nipples. His or yours or both. Enjoy them, see what you like, are either of you ticklish? Week three - keep up the kissing and exploring, but go below the belt line. And by below the belt line, I mean you for you: masturbation. You may have never touched yourself, but it is hard to tell someone what you like if you don't know yourself. No need to penetrate, find your clitoris, look at it with a mirror, move in circles or back and forth. Find what feels right.

Then, if you feel ready, week four, below the belt with him but no penetration. Half an hour you, half an hour him. Play around, see what works. Do you see where I am going here? Stop worrying about penetration. Practice sex not being boiled down to penetration.

Once you feel relaxed being naked and touching him and maybe even yourself, I want one of you (which ever of you has the courage) to go out and buy some water-based lubricant. They sell lube at drugstores now. I want your husband to insert one, heavily lubed finger into your vagina. I want you to breathe deep and I want you to relax with that finger in you. Throughout this entire process, I want one of you to be playing with your clit. When you feel like nothing is in, I want him to go to two. And repeat until you are up to about four fingers. This may feel uncomfortable, but keep adding more lube, relax and breathe. When you are relaxed and comfortable with this level of penetration, try with his penis.

And you know what? If it doesn't work, stop punishing yourself for it (same for him). Start again. Tickle each other, have another hour of nipples. Stop taking it so seriously and eventually, with the love that you clearly have, it will work. You've made a commitment to him and he to you and you have time to make this work and you can discover great things along the way.