This weekly Saturday column "Ask Professor Foxy" will regularly contain sexually explicit material. This material is likely not safe for work viewing. The title of the column will include the major topic of the post, so please read the topic when deciding whether or not to read the entire column.
Dear Professor Foxy,
I got out of a long-term relationship a few months ago, and at this point I am considering dating again. I am really apprehensive about getting close to another man though, because I am a survivor of domestic violence. When I was in high school, one of my boyfriends forced me into sex, and a few years later an ex-boyfriend stalked me for five months and because the school chose to protect him and blame me for the situation, resulting in me being diagnosed with PTSD.
Now that I'm in college, I have recovered with the help of my therapist, but I still have some emotional "tender spots." I am scared of having to share my past with a new partner for a variety of reasons. I don't want to be judged, pitied, or rejected because of what I have been through. Also, I'm not sure if I know how to even begin to find a guy, who is a feminist, as well as being completely understanding and accepting of what I have been through. Dating is hard enough, and this kind of a situation makes it even harder.
Say that I actually find a guy who I feel comfortable enough to confide in, when and how to I tell him? My recent ex knew about my past before we became romantically involved, so I didn't really have to deal with when and how to tell him. At what point is it appropriate to share such information, without sharing too much too soon or making the other person feel like I've been holding out on them?
So Professor Foxy, what advice do you have? How can I spot someone that is understanding and can be trusted, and when the time comes, how do I go about sharing my past with them?
Thanks,
Finding love with baggage.
Hi FLWB -
I wish there was a perfect formula I could tell you about. I wish I could tell you how to know whether a guy is going to be accepting or not from early in the relationship or when you meet him. Unfortunately, it is not that easy. I think there are two main areas to focus on: steps you can take to make sure you are ok regardless of what happens and signs to look for in a potential romantic interest.
For the first part, you are clearly taking good steps. Therapy is incredibly important. There is never going to be a certain way to tell, so you need to make sure you have a support system in case things do not turn out well. Your recent ex sounds like he could be a part of it.
For the second part, think about what identifies a man as a feminist. Yes, one can declare himself or herself a feminist, but how does that translate? How does he talk about the women in his life? His relatives? Does he have female friends that he respects and who trust him? Is he polite and kind to random strangers?
One of the most difficult parts of this process will be learning how to trust your instincts. If a guy seems off, he is off. Not sure? Check in with your network.
You are under no obligations to tell someone about your past until you feel comfortable. A good potential interest will understand that regardless of when you tell him. Part of knowing if he is a good match is that his desire for you to feel comfortable and secure will override any initial feelings of "why didn't she tell me sooner?"
Keep in mind what your triggers are. Are there ways that you cannot be touched or approached sexually? Make sure he is aware of them. You do not need to tell him within the context of past trauma if you are not ready, but can frame them as "I prefer when you do this versus when you do that."
How you tell them will differ by the situation. Find a place that you feel safe: a local park, your dorm room, his dorm room, a walk around the city. Tell him the best way you know how. I would also preface it with something like "I have something I want to talk to you about that is really hard for me to discuss. I feel like I can trust you with this information and how emotional it makes me." A little bit of prep to let him know that something hard is coming. Also make sure he is in a place to hear it. Does his life feel stable and ok right now? Can he listen at this time? You are more likely to have a good conversation if you are both feeling secure.
I can't promise you a journey with no mis-steps or no additional pain, what I can tell you is that we learn from our pain and our mis-steps. A bad partner, a negative response, a hard experience can make us stronger and better in the next part of our journey. Take care of yourself, surround yourself with those who care for you, trust your gut, and you can do this.
Best,
Professor Foxy
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If I may- speaking for myself and at least a couple of guys I know who have had pretty substantial background information dropped on them, one thing that is very likely (though not guaranteed) to help is if you give him an idea of what you're looking for before you say it (ie. "This is something I need you to try to understand and accept, that's all").
The reason for this is that most dudes haven't had to try and work through these kinds of issues with somebody, and there's a very good chance he'll try and guess how he should react. Should he get angry at those guys? Should he try to be super-nice, to the point where he might start to baby you without noticing? There are all kinds of ways he can fuck it up if he doesn't know what to do.
Of course, if you tell him you want acceptance and understanding, there remains the very real chance he'll try to act accepting and understanding without really holding that mindset. But that creates a fairly binary situation- he either gets it or he doesn't. That's much easier to deal with than trying and figure out what he's thinking while dealing with your own issues as well (or dumping him).
Having been on the male partner end of this, I think Professor Foxy is spot on. I can't speak for all men, but at no point did I feel "why didn't she tell me sooner."
The part that I would like to underline is where Foxy says to be aware of your triggers and let your partner know of them, either in advance or if he says/does those things. That was a point of difficulty at the beginning of my relationship with my ex-partner; intimacy was a bit of a minefield without a map. Even if you can't yet tell him everything, that will make things a lot easier for the both of you.
This is a hard one. If you don't disclose you end up being "irrational" for reasons your partner doesn't get and won't understand. If you do disclose, then all of your behaviors are seen through the prism of what was done to you and you end up with a partner second guessing things that don't matter.
As an adult victim of childhood rape, who has managed mostly to put it behind, but who still has a few hot-buttons - it's tough.
One thing I have figured out, and I hope this helps: keep the discussion framed around your triggers and whatever you've figured out about how you respond to them, so that you address this as something that you are dealing with and not a Major Relationship Crisis. And good luck!
Most of this advice is spot on, but the bit about sexual triggers seems really off to me.
First, let me preface by saying to all the survivors out there: If sex is not a problem for you, if it's mostly not triggering but instead fun, please ignore my forthcoming comment - it's meant for all those out there for whom sex, when they don't know someone really well, is hard.
I strongly disagree with Prof. Foxy about this sentence: "Are there ways that you cannot be touched or approached sexually? Make sure he is aware of them." I think telling someone "you can do something very explicit A but not B, you can do C but not D" is in itself putting yourself in a terribly vulnerable state; it raises way more questions than it answers. You might as well come out and say, 'someone abused me by doing B and D'. If you are an abuse survivor, often the details of what was done to you are the hardest thing to talk about.
It's far better to set a general boundary ("I want to take it slowly", and "I'm not ready for sex", whatever) while you're figuring out whether this is someone you can trust with your story. They are easier to manage (the other side doesn't need to wonder 'I can't do B but can I do B(a)?') and don't hint so strongly at sexual abuse. It may be a philosophical issue; it may be religion, it may be an STD, it may be a personal comfort level, whatever. Either way, you're not inadvertently disclosing more than you'd like.
I also wanted to add - because I've seen this question on survivor message boards again and again - YOU DON'T HAVE TO SLEEP WITH ANYONE UNLESS YOU REALLY WANT TO. Furthermore, you can NOT sleep with someone and still date them/develop a relationship with them. This really cannot be said enough. Liberal circles can be heartbreakingly intolerant to this idea, but it's true.
I was confused by your comment at first. I thought you were simply advising against discussing the details of your trauma with your partner in general. But what I think you're saying is this -- it's going to be incredibly challenging to be frank about these detailed sexual preferences with someone you don't fully trust yet, even if you don't tell them that your preferences are colored by a history of abuse.
One thing that I think Professor Foxy may have been trying to accommodate for, though, is the possible depth of one's ambivalence. I can be totally incapacitated by triggering situations, to the point where I am unable to trust someone entirely, and yet still really want to be sexual in my relationships. It isn't that I don't want to have sex, or that I "want to take things slow" -- I just want to have emotionally sensitive, gratifying, non-patriarchal sex. And I am extremely allergic to anything else.
I think this is a testament to how clearly I have separated in my mind the concepts of consensual sex and non-consensual sex. Love and pleasure are entirely absent in them. The danger isn't in being exposed to consensual sex too early (since it is, by definition, consensual), but in confusing one for the other.
And seriously, thank you for putting the 'YOU DON'T HAVE TO SLEEP WITH ANYONE' line in all caps. It often feels "easier" for survivors of abuse to confront their anxieties about sex by dissociating from their surroundings and "letting sex happen," without thinking about whether it's something they want or not. It's really important to remember to give yourself that right to decide.
I can be totally incapacitated by triggering situations, to the point where I am unable to trust someone entirely, and yet still really want to be sexual in my relationships.
Thank you for speaking about your personal experiences. This is exactly how things were with my partner. She very much wanted to be with me sexually, but certain things were triggering for her. Also, her triggers weren't 'specific' things, but more situational/vague/complex (I can't think of a good word), so it wasn't something I could learn to avoid by trial and error. Trying to muddle through with me ignorantly screwing things up was painful for her and stressful for me.
I would like to echo naomi's comment, above, but from a slightly different angle, and say that 'taking things slow' is, imho, better than trying to push through.
And for 'YOU DON'T HAVE TO SLEEP WITH ANYONE' - I would add 'and you don't need an excuse.' You don't have to mention or talk about your past as a reason; you don't need a reason at all.
I wanted to add something to this. I am not dealing with you specific situation, but one similar. I grew up with (and am still living with) an emotionally abusive, alcoholic mother. The guy I'm currently in a relationship, which happens to be my first relationship, has no experiences whatsoever with negative home life, bad childhood experiences or anything close to the things I have experienced- in other words, he has a very difficult time understanding exactly how certain things affect me, and certain triggers (like the smell of beer).
One thing I have learned as I slowly am telling him about my life: not to have certain expectations about how he is going to respond and support me. When I first told him, he was silent for a while, then said "OK." That was it. I was personally crushed- I had expected him to ask me questions, express concern, be worried...and so on. Then we hung up (we're long distance). I then started freaking out because I thought he didn't care about my past. However, since then he asks me how things are going with my mom and shows concern for me without "babying" me. I realized that I just had to look for the way he was showing his care and support for me in ways than I originally expected. I guess my biggest advice to you, if you should decide to move into a relationship with someone and choose to disclose the experiences that hurt you in your past relationship- keep an open mind about s/he responds: because everyone shows care and support in very different ways.
Boundaries, though we may lobby for their use and application as helpful, are frequently subjectively applied. With my own trauma, I acknowledge freely that I probably don't set boundaries as strictly as I probably should. By contrast, I've known other people in similar circumstances who get burned in relationships and then set boundaries so strictly that they discourage interested and worthy relationship partners from proceeding further.
If I could give this person some advice and in the process give myself the same advice, it would be to not stress the small details. Micromanaging relationships often seems the proper way to handle matters, but one is rarely happy jumping through all of these hoops and complications we create for ourselves. Acknowledging trigger points is not what I mean by this. Going with the flow, not feeling mortified when sharing with a partner provides a response we weren't expecting, and being kind to ourselves first and foremost is of paramount importance. I've always been annoyed by all of these "dating rules" one must adhere to else the worst will happen.
The ideal partner will encapsulate everything that we need and I think to a large extent one knows it instinctively. I'm of the opinion that love and romance needs to develop organically and when we regiment things strictly, it begins to die.
I appreciate this question and answer, as I am a trauma survivor too and have dealt with similar issues.
The trigger thing for me has been the hardest. One thing I cannot do with a partner is anal sex. Unfortunately most men I have been with consider this a "requirement" for a long term monogamous relationship. Luckily, I am bi, and I have never felt pressure from women to do things I'm not comfortable with.
I would also add that if he panics, giving him some space to think things through might help a lot. People say and do things when confronted with something they're not expecting and aren't ready to deal with that they wouldn't say otherwise.