I wasn't planning on writing much else about getting married because I figured folks were getting sick of hearing all about it. (If I'm tired of hearing about it, I can't imagine how others feel!) But over the last few days I've seen coverage of my wedding/marriage online - from Salon to Playboy to The Nation - with responses ranging from the congratulatory to the cruel. So I feel like I have to jump in.
When I first wrote about getting married the title of my post was, "Does the personal always have to be political? (And can't it ever be private?)," because one of the biggest issues I was struggling with was how to have a personal life that was well...personal. I was trying to figure out if it was possible to be public in some regards, while still maintaining a modicum of privacy. Apparently the answer is no.
There's something incredibly invasive about having strangers comment on and conjecture about your marriage - whether it's making ridiculously false assumptions (I must have paid to have my wedding featured in the NYT?!) or intimating that I'm a hypocrite for being critical of weddings while still having one.
I write about my life publicly, so I expect public feedback and criticism. But the level of nastiness I've seen recently, coupled with the complete disregard for the fact that I am an actual person with feelings - not a symbol of feminism, or fodder to make a political point - but a person, has made me realize that I've been naïve.
I've always felt that putting yourself out there - even if it means being more vulnerable - was a terrific way to show the nuance and complexity of feminism. And that making yourself more accessible was a way to make the sometimes-dense ideas of feminism more relatable. I knew this would make for a dangerous line to walk - that opening yourself up also means opening yourself up to hatefulness. And over the last five years that I've been blogging, that hatefulness has come through. But wonderful, amazing, supportive people have always counteracted it - and that made it worthwhile. But looking back, when I realize that some of the most important and joyful moments in my life have been poisoned by the cruelness of people I don't even know...well, it just gives me pause.
When I wrote about Andrew and I planning a wedding, I wasn't doing so to make some grand statement about what feminists should do when they get married. Or to suggest that my wedding was going to be The Most Feminist Wedding Ever. I wrote about it as an individual, as a person, who was trying to negotiate her beliefs with a traditionally sexist institution and the consumerist party-planning that surrounds weddings.
Yes, I was featured in the NY Times Vows column - a section usually reserved for muckity mucks with society-type parents and jobs at banks and such. And you know what? I was stoked about it. Not only because I thought it would be cool for a fairly traditional column to cover a feminist wedding, but also because - hey, neat, my wedding will be in the NY Times! (Not to mention, the class thing does make a difference to me. To my immediate and extended family - working class folks from Queens - this was an incredibly big deal.) Did I hope that the column would talk more about our ceremony instead of creating a feminist-finally-gets-hitched narrative? Of course. But it is what it is, and anyone who thinks a Vows column could accurately represent what Andrew and I are about is being deliberately obtuse.
And really, if I would have gotten married at City Hall and banned the NYT from coming to the wedding when they asked - would that have made me a more "pure" feminist? What if I would have worn a red dress instead of gray? Had a potluck instead of a catered meal? There is no one right way to do a "feminist" wedding (if you even believe that such a thing exists). So we focused on what mattered to us most.
Our ceremony, officiated by a friend, opened with words about how the heart of marriage - equality and partnership - is broken by the laws that keep everyone from accessing the institution. Andrew and I believe in eating locally - so all of the food and wine was from farmers in the Hudson Valley; nothing came from more than 100 miles away. We had a kick-ass jazz and swing band because Andrew was a part of the swing-dance scene in CA when he was younger. We all rented an old stone house - the house we'd get married in - for the weekend so our families and close friends could be together and celebrate, and so we could be reminded about what family and community means to us. We had our closest friends do readings to honor our relationships with them. We had a "declaration of consent," from our guests because we believe a marriage needs to support of a community. We scattered little Moo cards around that let our guests know that we'd donated to an organization supporting same-sex marriage in lieu of buying favors. We had a bouquet toss to all of the single dudes at the wedding (Lori's man caught it!). I bought a non-white dress.
We wanted to make the wedding representative of the institution we'd like marriage to be, and I think we did a good job. Does any of this change the fact that marriage is a historically sexist institution or make it okay that millions of people are denied the right to be married? Of course not. But it made the celebration one that made sense to us, one that re-imagined what marriage as an institution should be about - love, equal partnership and community. (And seriously, to the some of the more conservative relatives at our wedding, hearing these sort of things at a wedding absolutely made an impact.)
And you know what? The wedding really was beautiful. Not because of where it was or because of the flowers (though I did love them!), and not because of the dress. It was beautiful because the thought Andrew and I put into what this day meant to us showed through - it felt like a ceremony and a celebration that represented who we are and who we hope to be together. But most importantly, it was beautiful because the people who matter to us most - our family and our friends - were there to support us and share their love with us. And it's those people, our community, that I think about today, when I'm feeling so jaded about people's basic goodness that the idea of writing another word on the internet feels impossible. And to them, I say, truly - thank you.
To everyone else, I'm not writing this to discourage discourse around marriage and weddings - on the contrary; one of the reasons I wrote about my wedding to begin with was to have that conversation. So talk about marriage - dissect and deconstruct away! But please - please - remember that I'm a person, not an example.
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I'm sure your husband will appreciate the title, though not the harassment. It's difficult for any public figure to draw the line between their public and private life, and so much of our media is essentially paparazzi, while our discourse is seek-and-destroy. When you write publicly about personal issues it must be even harder.
The haters should be ashamed of themselves. The way you handled all the buzz, and the way you integrated your beliefs into the wedding, was admirable and inspirational.
Jessica-I think you are an awesome, amazing, smart and incredibly talented writer and speaker. I appreciate the work you do and the thinking you share with us on feminist topics. I'm sorry about all the hullabaloo about your wedding--of course you are a person with feelings and should be treated with respect. But the way I see it is that the patriarchy (and sexist thinkers and believers) just can't get over anyone who calls herself a feminist. The patriarchy just loves messing with anyone who dares to call out sexism, so unfortunately you became a target. I also think that it sucks to be made a spectacle of--and I wish they hadn't done it. Keep on doing your thing--this too shall pass.
Unfortunately when you are a woman, feminist or otherwise, you are damned if you do, damned if you don't. I think you handled the whole situation beautifully. I was a bit put off by the NYT thing at first, but that's not your fault. While for you that was a celebration of your marriage in a widely read and respected newspaper, for the NYT it was the classic "Man Bites Dog" story. In my initial reaction I failed to realize that it was them that put that "Feminist Gets Married" spin on the whole situation, not you.
I got married this year as well. I had a very simple civil ceremony in my apartment and we only told the 6 people who were invited. I did tell people on one of my blogs, (unmarriedestate.wordpress.com), but my blog is not nearly as popular as yours and gets little traffic, so that was really maybe 12 strangers who knew! I found the best way to avoid commentary about "how" I got married: just don't tell anyone! lol!
"[I]t felt like a ceremony and a celebration that represented who we are and who we hope to be together."
I feel exactly the same way about my wedding. Congratulations again and keep you chin up! You still have many people supporting you.
Feminist Wives Unite!
Jessica, you do incredibly important work, and sadly, this is the price you have to pay for it. I know it's easy to advise a person not to pay attention to the rumor-mongers and haters, but just remember that there are many people out there whose lives you are making better with your work.
but you ARE brave for putting yourself out there in the public eye, even though it would result in some cruel, nasty mocking by certain groups.
Please don't stop writing and please don't stop putting yourself out in the public eye! You're an inspiration to us all
jessica, i saw some of those horrible comments a few days ago, and i was really horrified, and sad for you. it often seems that, when you promise to do your best to do good for the world, there are others who immediately try to pinpoint hypocrisy as a way of making themselves feel better for not having put themselves on the line for others, and that is a petty, and small, thing to do. it's your LIFE, not a political statement, and, just because you're a feminist doesn't mean you shouldn't think about yourself and your happiness first at times.
i'm getting married for the second time in less than two months (holy SHIT what am i doing reading blogs and not planning), and he and i are working through many of the same issues you and andrew did. we're putting similar thought and care into our ceremony. and there are SO MANY PEOPLE who feel like they get to throw their two cents in, completely uninvited, and it's usually not helpful, it's just spiteful and shitty. (makes me want to do what i did the first time and run to vegas-ha!)
but hang in there. the only way this gets better is when us like-minded people change the institution into what we want it to be.
I know telling you to just ignore people who try to put you down is easier said than done (despite what so many people say, words DO hurt), but do your best to push it all aside and enjoy what you did with your wedding! I took the fools route and had my wedding for my family and not for myself or my husband-to-be. It was a nice event I guess, but I'm humiliated every time I see pictures of it or hear people talk about it. I hated my own wedding and am ashamed of the whole event. No matter what you do people will always have a problem with it, but it's better that other people have a problem with your wedding, than you having a problem with it. As long as you and your spouse enjoyed it and it was meaningful to the both of you, everyone else can kiss your ass!
re: the 2nd part of your post, the details you shared.
I'm grateful. I was wondering what exactly made your wedding feminist to you and I get it now. It didn't look so feminist from the outside; the generous description shed light. What a truly lovely ceremony / celebration of love.
re: the first portion of your post, being scrutinized and written about.
I don't think it's too much for people to expect you to walk the talk and investigate whether you are doing that or not.
As for those negative comments, yeah, I can see how it would make you uncomfortable and even angry. At least they weren't stones being thrown, crosses burned on your lawn, denied access, etc. It's the pain of celebrity you're experiencing. Just as a book you write will sell more due to your celebrity as a feminist, you will also experience some flack for it.
As for your union,
may it be a source of love, acceptance, peace and joy, may you both overcome any and all challenges that arise in your partnered life with the knowledge that it is all learning. May it be a union of grace with ease.
Well, it really sucks to have to deal with all the public bullshit.
But 5, 10, 20 years from now - what will you remember about your wedding?
The enormous love in your heart throughout the ceremony.
Catching your husband's eye during the day and seeing your life together reflected back.
The way your dress felt. The way the sun felt. The magic in the air. The happiness of your friends and family. I guarantee these are the things you will remember and cherish, and the rest will slowly fade to background noise.
All the hate & negativity is really hard to bare - but let us help you carry that load.
The love and beauty of the day is all yours :)
I can't imagine what you went through in getting married, for something that should have been just about you and your husband... a personal affair. I have mixed feelings about marriage so it's been interesting to read your experiences.
I'm so glad we are all available to be a source of support for you and most of the feminists on this blog understand that personal choices are personal and special to each feminist. That being said, you have put yourself out there by writing some pretty awesome feminist literature and, unfortunately, you will be treated differently than other women who are not in the public eye. While you are existing in the public view, that doesn't mean that is okay for people to be negative and cruel about your most personal experiences, but we realistically know it will happen. Haters are gonna hate, and I hope you continue to remember that they are stupid and petty. We love you, your readers love you, and you're an inspiration to many feminists.
Jessica, I think in many ways you are an inspiration for lots of women-- you are intelligent, speak your mind and you back up what you believe without being cruel and petty; these are things that the people who attacked you are not. You, as an smart and independant woman, made a choice to do something that you believed in, and I think that is something all feminists should support; whether they would make the same decision themselves is up to them. What makes it a feminist act is that you *thought* about it, as opposed to blindy doing what everyone else does. *applauds*
I think the haters are just jealous that they lack the conviction and brains you have. *hugs*
Jessica and Andrew, I think you're fantastic!! I am so happy and excited for you both, and think the fallout from both ends of the spectrum is ridiculous. I feel terrible for the hurtful reactions flying around out there; it's just not about them. It's about two people in love, period.
Jessica, you set an amazing and positive example by your speaking, writing, and activism; the question of whether or not you set out to be a role model is beside the point. Feminism to me is, at heart, about the equity of genders, and marriage should at its heart and in a ideal world should be a paragon and institutional codification of this.
Andrew, you are a amazing feminist man, and it's odd how you've been a bit lost in the narrative that has been constructed around your wedding. I say "wedding" because the idea of marriage and partnership has become a little lost in this. We need more outspoken and proudly, stridently feminist men in this world. (I love seeing male friends of my generation co-parenting, working three-or-four day workweeks, raising their daughters on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, etc.)
I hope that this is what fourth-wave feminism is about: digitally-plugged-in, sex-positive, cooperative, and pop-culturally relevant. I hope we're the generation that gets the job done. And marriage equality for all is part of our job.
Playboy wrote you up? That's even weirder than the NYT.
B, I though you said you only read the articles!?
I think for me you have changed the way I think and live my life completely, *because* of way you open yourself up.
I was recommended Full Frontal Feminism by a friend and I was reluctant to read it..."would people think that I'm a feminist?", but as I began to read I truly began to understand the complexities of feminism and feminists, *because* you opened yourself up.
I then found feministing, and everyone here was open and complex and amazing. I found a place that allowed me to become comfortable with a belief system that I had always avoided naming.
I discovered that being a feminist doesn't have to restrict my life. It frees it...One of my favorite things that this site started doing was the "Guilty Unfeminist Pleasure" (Please no one throw anything), because I felt and feel it is necessary to remind us all that we can't be all this all the time...we're human...we're complex and not everything in our lives is going to be or even should be about one thing. I always appreciated the humanity and realistic way you opened your views and your life to us as readers. I am sorry that people have taken your openness and turned it against you. It's wrong, and more importantly, it's not anyone's place to judge you.
Your wedding looked beautiful and there seemed to be a real sense of family and togetherness, and your dress was beautiful. Your wedding wasn't about a political statement...you love Andrew and your wedding was an expression of that love. You get to have that...that some criticize you for that is ridiculous. Marriage has been a traditionally patriarchal institution, but it does not have to be, and you don't have to wear a red dress or not have a party to prove it. It does not make you less of a feminist to have gotten married, and it doesn't make you a hypocrite. So tell all the haters to in the words of Mercedes from Glee "Hate on me Haters"
So, I guess this long ramble could've been summed up with a, "Thank you for opening yourself to us, and helping me see that I am a feminist although I love soap operas. And good luck and congratulations on your wonderful partnership with what seems very much to be a wonderful man."
Thank you so much for sharing this! I haven't gotten tired of hearing about this at all, in fact, I've been craving more info about it! I am always wondering how feminists do it, whether it be marriage or family, or whatever.
I'm sorry it was under these circumstances that you eventually had to share your story, but I'm grateful that you did!
Love love love.
I'm so sorry people are making awful comments about your wedding. They can seriously go jump off a cliff.
I think you totally should have wrote the NYT article yourself. You would have done a better job.
And Playboy wrote you up?? That's kinda awesome!
The Playboy article is awful. The writer makes a horrible joke about fish, with the implication being that vagina = fish. Misogynous, to say the least, and very mean-spirited.
Congratulations on your marriage, Jessica. You don't deserve this cruelty. Your marriage is a beautiful story.
Wow... What a beautiful wedding!
My best wishes for you and Andrew.
Anyone who puts themselves out there is going to run across certain people who are so mean-spirited and small-minded that they will use any available opportunity to take a pot shot at you.
When I started recording iReports for CNN and when a slue of them were put on air, I received some of the most childish insults and baseless slurs that I had ever heard before. I'll never forget the person who launched into a personal attack which had absolutely nothing to do with what I had even spoken about, one that ended with "comb your f___king hair".
Perhaps we would do better if we understood that childishness doesn't stop with childhood and that maturity is something attained with effort and applied knowledge. I think to some people you will always be an example, despite your best intentions. The mere fact that you have founded this site, written well-received books, and advanced worthy causes make you little more than an example to people who don't want to take the effort to see you as a human being. I wish that were not so, but this is true for anyone who lives life in the public eye. It is the double edged sword of being well-known.
Well Done & Congratulations to the both of you. I hope one day I'm as fortunate as Andrew.
Jessica,
You were incredibly brave to open your heart and your life to us these past months. You wrote about your struggle with marriage as an institution and with the ceremony itself. You voiced ideas and opinions that many of us share with you and some of us don't. You left yourself open to the hate and backlash that is common in situations like this. It was unfair and mean and petty that people took advantage of your day to spread hate about you and feminism.
But it just means that they are scared. They are scared of your voice and your ideas. They are scared at the idea of change and individuality. Their hate and fear and anger means that your voice is being heard and they can see the changes in the world themselves. If they didn't view you as a threat they wouldn't bother acknowledging your existence...so kudos for causing a stir ;)
P.S. I thought your wedding looked wonderful!
congratulations on your marriage again Jessica. I agree that there is no excuse for this at all. You should be able to lead a private life without people hounding you and I think that the fact that you can't even get married without being hounded by the media shows just how objectified women are in our society. Being a feminist and balancing being married is a tough thing to do. Its one thing for an unmarried couple to stand up and proclaim their feminism by not getting married, but it takes a lot of guts to be able to stand up and proudly proclaim your feminism to so many people and still be able to join in the sanctity of marriage. Kudos to you and to andrew for being able to do that. I am so glad to hear about some of the things that you did to incorporate feminism into your wedding. Honestly, I think that it is a great thing that the NYT wrote an article about your marriage. First and foremost because of the simple fact that very few people outside of the ultra rich ever get featured in it. Second, because no matter how many awful things that they can say about you being a feminist and getting married, it still proves a point that yes you can be a feminist and be married. It also goes to bunk the idea that all feminists are men hating lesbians (nothing wrong with being a lesbian, but being one isn't a prerequisite for being a feminist), which no matter how you slice it is a good thing. I really hope that the title of this article rings true. Much love,
Rebekah
P.S. thanks for all of the wonderful work that you do, without your books and blogs I wouldn't have anywhere to turn with my feminism. Please don't allow the haters out there who are going to criticize you no matter what get you down. Remember we are your allies and we will stand together and break them all eventually.
I think you're wonderful. "The Purity Myth" is one of the best books I've ever read and I admire your openness and courage so much. You are one of my heros, and that isn't something I have ever said about someone I have never met. I'm sure your wedding was beautiful, and good for you for doing what was right for you and your partner. Fuck the rest! :)
I have to say when you posted up the photos of your wedding I thought they were so beautiful, but I also randomly felt a bit protective seeing them. 'Oh God, what are those awful people going to say about this beautiful day'.
Ultimately the choice of how publicly to live is yours, although you are always going to face more intrusion than the average Jane. It's not ours, and don't feel pressured to live just as you always have done because that sounds like the sort of position you ought to adopt.
Although I agree that horrid people are mocking you on a childish level because you pose a more important threat to their entitlement (i.e. when you're pissing them off you are doing something right), don't feel pressured to keep putting yourself out there, if you're not the sort of person (like Germaine) who revels in controversy and 100% platinum does not give a badgers twat what anyone else says about her. Feminism will live another day without throwing you to the lions.
I was trying to figure out if it was possible to be public in some regards, while still maintaining a modicum of privacy. Apparently the answer is no.
I am sorry to hear that you had to find this out the hard way. FWIW I think you did a very brave thing and the public nature of your behavior has made a positive contribution towards helping reconfigure marriage as a non-patriarchal institution.
Jessica, I just want to say that you are single-handedly the reason I'm a feminist. I was one of those people that thought it didn't matter anymore until I read your book Full Frontal Feminism (I was a freshman in college, I think it had just been put out). You literally changed my life, and I hope you keep doing what you're doing and just give the haters the bird.
The minute you open your mouth about anything that threatens another group, you make yourself a target, just the way it is.
Reality is what it is. Who are you to them? People don't matter, there are 6.8 billion of them, all clamouring for what they believe is their fair share of the ever shrinking piece of the global pie, and a say on how things will be. Bolster your side, decimate the others =/
I'm amazed at the number of people who engage in the wars of words, and then cry about the amount of ill will it's gathered them. What did you think would happen? That everyone would agree to disagree? To be civil to each other despite of differences? It may have worked like that at some point, but not in my lifetime.
There's a difference between a war of words and a war of ideas. Most of the attacks on Jessica are extremely personal and have nothing to do with the discussion of ideas about marriage that have been talked about on blogs since Jessica's engagement. I suggest you read Kate Harding's comments in Salon if you want examples of legitimate feminist criticism of the way Jessica's handled her wedding: http://www.salon.com/mwt/broadsheet/feature/2009/10/20/valenti_roundtable/index.html
And yes, I don't think expecting people to be civil despite of differences is too much to ask.
Hey y'all, I'm trying to avoid the internets for the weekend but I just had to drop in and say thank you so much, truly, for the kind words and the support. I'm really touched.
Congratulations to your husband, and best wishes to you. We met briefly at a happy hour/book-signing this summer, and I really envied you your fiance -- he was so great at supporting what you were doing and giving you space to do it.
Every wedding pisses someone off, whether it's your grandmother who's upset that you picked a day when your cousin couldn't attend; or your estranged aunts who got uninvited when they were jerks to your step-grandfather; or your maid-of-honor/ best friend who got stuck listening to the boring best-man/brother-of-groom all night. (All examples from real life.)
If the only people who are anything except delighted about your wedding are anonymous asshats on the internet, you are WAY ahead of the game.
Thanks for writing this Jessica. I was particularly interested in how you made decisions for your wedding keeping with the spirit of feminist critiques. It seems like a lot of comments bashing your wedding involve a sort of either/or framing of feminism vs. weddings - that if you critique the institution or the 'marriage industrial complex' that you shouldn't get married, have a wedding reception or have it be written about in the media. I find this extremely problematic.
The root of these things - finding someone to share your life with and support each other and celebrating this find with your friends/family/community - are good and important things for many of us as people. Granted, this is perhaps not important for all people, just as some people decide traditional monogamous marriage is not for them for various reasons.
Critiques around marriage are not about the root, they are about other stuff around the root - division of labour, breadwinners vs. caretakers, sex, childcare etc. and decisions that take into account everyone's strengths, weaknesses and feelings. Similarly, the 'wedding industrial complex' should be critiqued for what a wedding is 'supposed to' look like and unpacking meaning in traditional accoutrements. However, decisions about how the wedding/reception take place to fit with your personal feelings about the institution/ceremony/reception do challenge the 'complex' while maintaining the root.
So to those critiquing your marriage, they are missing the root - that you found someone to spend your life with, a partner who listens to you and you him, something important to both of you. For those critiquing your wedding, you found ways to critique the 'wedding industrial complex' through the choices you made for your ceremony and reception, maintaining your beliefs for what you want your marriage to be and what you hope for more feminist ceremonies in the future by offering an example of how it can look different. And yay people covering it so that more people can see it and see how it can be different.
My heartfelt congrats and best wishes to you and Andrew.
Jessica, what you do is great, fantastic, awesome, terrific, etc etc. Keep on keepin' on, you will shine through!!
With all the vitriol directed at this website, it's creators and contributors and smart, outspoken women everywhere, I suppose it isn't surprising that your day of celebration was another chance to attack rather than a respectful ceasefire. Sad, but not surprising.
Congratulations on your wedding. No amount of juvenile, insipid keyboard commentary is a match for the real love and happiness your husband, your friends and your family shared. Not even close.
One more thing, and NOT to freak you out, but the Vows column said you were married in NY state by a Universal Life minister. I don't know if the legislature fixed this, but years ago, one of the NY state appellate courts claimed that Universal Life ministers weren't eligible to marry people because it's not a "real" religion. In NYC, the city marriage bureau issued a regulation recognizing ULC as eligible to register officiants with the city, but according to the NYT, that doesn't apply in other parts of NY state.
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/08/05/fashion/05marry.html
This is a great post! I'm glad you sought your own path for the wedding. I think my wife and I did, too.
By the way, your book sounds awesome!
Jessica - Thank you so much for sharing your experiences with us, even though I know it is difficult with all the hatefulness out there. I just wanted you to know that it does make feminist beliefs more relatable and it is really really nice to hear about these things. Keep up the writing and know that you are making a difference to so many of us out there :)
I just wanted to say congratulations on your marriage. There are those of us out here in the world that you have never heard of and will probably never meet, who are rooting for you. Do your best not to let the evil and angry voices of the world get to you.
Kimberly Smith, Tustin California
As a married feminist: THIS. All of this.
And even as someone not in the public eye, one of the feelings I got for months after the wedding was, "Whew, we don't have to organize that again!" So that's entirely normal.
Congratulations and good luck.
Jessica,
Thank you for sharing all of this with us. I'm also a married feminist who struggled with how to create a wedding ceremony that reflected my feminist ideals (and those of my husband). We're also continuing to struggle with how to make our marriage a more equal partnership, especially now that we have children. I love to hear that others have these same struggles, and I'm grateful that you're putting it out there so publicly. I enjoyed reading the NYT article. And I *loved* your dress. :)
Cheers,
Jen
If it's any consolation the Trump wedding is now the wedding of the week, so the hullabaloo is short-lived. Your love, however, is not:)
The reality is that celebrities of any level, for any reason, do not get to say "I don't want to be a celebrity on August 10th" or "I expect everyone to pretend I'm not famous while I do XYZ." Once you're out there, you're out there. I'm not famous and I know that. I'm not unsympathetic, but celebrity is a choice you made.
Playboy covered your wedding??? Anyways I'm really happy for you and Andrew is lucky to married to a woman like you.
More power to you for not sitting down and shutting up like a "good girl" in the face of such meanness.
This sort of thing is exactly why I don't post about my personal life, but I really admire the bravery of those who do, and I totally agree that seeing the example of your life makes the feminist points you make much more human and easier to understand. Keep doing what you're doing, it's a good thing.