I know exactly what you're talking about. I got married in August and then received a card that said "Mrs. X" on it. Grrrr....And I feel the same way about my husband as I felt when he was my boyfriend. We had been together 4 years before we married.

You are right. Language does matter. And I correct people when they call me Mrs. X, because that is not my name.

Amen.

I'm always amazed at the number of women who think taking a husband's name isn't really a big deal (as if it doesn't come with disturbing historical connotations of possession), or that it's somehow liberating to choose to use Miss, Ms., or Mrs. in different capacties.
The fact remains: your title denotes your marital status, and you are defined by whether or not you have a spouse. Your husband is not.

What reason is there, really, to take someone's name, especially if they don't take yours in an equal capacity? It seems incredibly archaic to me.

The credit card reminds me of when I added my husbands name on to the power/electric account. It was always just under my name, but when I added him to the account, they put his name FIRST on the account and BEFORE mine, even though he was an add-on and I was the original person on the account.

Interesting points here. You're right that language matters, but language comes with history as well. "Ms" was created specifically as the anti-thesis of "Mrs", and, even, "Miss". And while I think you're starting to see it have a somewhat broader meaning at the margins--to function as the female equivalent of "Mr" and not just as the anti-thesis of "Mrs"--it'll be another 50 years before "Ms" covers the breadth that the term "Mr" does...And, then, of course, we'll have to search for a whole new word because "Ms" will have lost its meaning...All of language runs on a treadmill.

That's a really good point, the importance of language and how the labels impact perception.

I fall on the other side of this, though. I'm a guy. Male. Man. I thoroughly enjoy the various titles that get used on me and around me, both seriously and, usually, plafully. Mister. Sir. Sirrah. Monsieur. Dude. Hey you. Jerk. Founder. CEO. So-and-so's boyfriend. Porter. Pooter. Poots. Pootenanny. Uncle. Business guy. Asshole. Developer. Friend. Colleague. Church member (Unitarian at that, confounding the "church" label further!).

I don't like any one label, but I do like mixing them, and I particularly like to use a label that I think people make assumptions about, in a context they are not expecting, to see how they incorporate new information about me with their prior views of me, and of the social meaning of the label.

"Mr. Bayne? You go to church?"
"I do. But please, call me Asshole, like my business partners do."

I am so happy to see like-minded
women write about this. I did
not change my name to most
people's surprise. When I
orginally said this, people
assumed that I meant that my
name was hyphenated now. I
spend A LOT of time correcting
people, including well-meaning,
young friends. People who know
often call me by my husband's name
or in the hyphenated version, not
sure why though? I think it may
be a mix of trying to annoy me
because they know it bothers me
and also trying to make a point
that afterall, no matter what I
chose (with my husband's full
support) cannot get in the way
of tradition. I may a really
big point of getting people's
names right because I think it
is disrespectful not to. A lot
of people who mean well (and
sometimes who maybe do not mean
well), cannotapparently do the
same. I always feel like I am
part of such a minority with
so many things that have anything
to do with feminism and gender,
that reading entries like this
makes me really happy.

How will you handle it when/if you have children?
Which name will the children have?

Heck, I did change my name to my husband's, and I still don't like to be called Mrs. My choice of my name is personal, but the title is a public interaction.

Heck, I did change my name to my husband's, and I still don't like to be called Mrs. My choice of my name is personal, but the title is a public interaction.

The one point that I can sympathize with in Ms. Gibb's article is the issue concerning her children's friends. The address of "Mrs. Husband's name" from them is the symptom of her children having her husband's name, and the assumption that she has the same last name as her children. It's one of the few cases where that kind of assumption is less offensive, since a child probably already feels quite self-conscious on how to address her friend's parent. (I used to stress so much about this because I never knew what last name my friend's parents had, and I felt uncomfortable bringing it up with my friends).

However, I still think that her children's social groups would learn at lot more if she smiled and said, "Please, call me Ms. Gibbs", instead of allowing the Mrs. to slide... the sooner we can stop assuming that families all have the same last name, the sooner we can move on.

I started using Ms. after I had my daughter twelve years ago. I never liked Miss before, and it definitely didn't feel right to be a Miss as a mother (don't know why, just didn't). I've never been married, and have no plans to be changing any names or titles if that ever occurs regardless.

It's interesting to me that so many women go with tradition and change their name to their husbands'. Every young woman of my acquaitance who has married (and it's been quite a few, considering that I'm only 21) has changed their last name, including my sister. My friends tease me for my "crazy, feminist ways" for choosing not to change my name when/if the time comes, but I'd much rather have a specific reason for changing my name (or in this case, not changing) as opposed to just doing it for tradition's sake.

I'm with you - it bothers me to no end that women are still defined by their marital status in a way men are not. I won't stop being one person and change into another just because I'm married. And it still surprises me to see so many women of my generation or a little older change their names - my fiance's sister and sister-in-law both did, most of my married facebook friends did, and I'm just left with a "really? why?" I understand personal reasons (for example, one of my friends is estranged from her father, so she's happy to get rid of his name when she marries), but I do not get the insistence upon changing your identity just because you got married.

I prefer to go by "Miss First I. Last." I don't see how having honorifics that separate people by sex (Mr. v. Ms.) are any better than honorifics that separate women by marital status (Miss v. Mrs.). Besides, Mr. v. Ms. divides people along a power-structure that feminism is trying to eliminate. Why would I decide that a purely-gender honorific is a "better" honorific than one based on marital status? Instead, I embrace my Southern heritage and go by "Miss" because I like it. I'm single, and I don't care who knows it.

Ugh I am getting married and I am really torn on what to do with my name. Mainly because I like how my last name sounds and feel it's part of me, but I don't like the past that goes along with it. The only people who have my last name in my family are my parents and my sister. My paternal grandfather bailed out of my dad's life pretty much (the last time I saw/heard from my grandfather I was 6, I am pushing 22 at the moment). My my grandmother (my dad's grandmother) was very close to me growing up, and eventually she regretted encouraging her daughter to give my dad my grandfather's last name.

So now I feel like I'm clinging to an empty name from someone I have no connection with, instead of taking my husband's name who is a huge part of my life. Seems like I'm giving into patriarchy either way.

Jessica, I feel exactly the same way.
I've been married for 18 years now and never changed my name. I still go by my own birth name "Ms. Jones" and hate when people use Mrs. or my husband's name "Mrs. Smith".

I have teenage children now so I know all about my kids' friends calling me Mrs. Smith. I just smile and politely tell them I'm Ms. Jones. I gave my son my last name as his middle name but my daughter is Jones-Smith.

If I were to do it over again I'd either: hyphenate (with my name first), give them my name (with his as a middle name), or give my son his dad's last name and my daughter my last name. Since I was the main caretaker, it's just so much easier if my last name is either their only last name or the first name in a hyphenated name.

Personally, in an ideal world, all kids would go by two last names, one from each parent. That would elimate going on Facebook and finding 40 Angela Bataglia's and make everyone's name more unique and useful. My husband is a doctor and I'm a teacher and we see lots of hospital and school errors because of strangers who have the same name as another patient or student. Two last names would go a long way to simplifiing those confusions as well as give a child ties to both parents.

Whomever I marry will keep her name and if it happens to be my current partner someday down the line, then that will be that. That is something I always expected and I'd feel uncomfortable if my wife wished to take my name, to be frank.

I have, however, known some women who took their husband's name because their own was easily misspelled by others, hard to pronounce, or otherwise unwieldy by society's standards. Count me as having mixed feelings about that.

I often just fantasize about going by Mr. I love that line by Ani Difranco in In or Out - "it's MR Difranco to you." Mr just carries this authority that Ms (and certainly Miss and Mrs) does not.

Huh. I think I'm going to start circling Mr. on all forms from now on.

Whomever I marry will keep her name and if it happens to be my current partner someday down the line, then that will be that. That is something I always expected and I'd feel uncomfortable if my wife wished to take my name, to be frank.

I have, however, known some women who took their husband's name because their own was easily misspelled by others, hard to pronounce, or otherwise unwieldy by society's standards. Count me as having mixed feelings about that.

Well, there's no easy answer in name-taking. A girl might choose not to take a husband’s name - but the one she has is her father's, so last names are male-centered, but if you start hyphenating names then your children have problems, and they end up with four hyphenated male last names anyway. And now that I’m getting divorced, I don’t want my husbands name, but I will be sad not to have my son's.

I agree that women’s titles are more defined by their relationship to men with the Mrs./Ms/Miss thing, and it’s not the same for men, they are not defined by who they are married to. And language matters, but we're already enmeshed in it - which is why I like the idea of using multiple titles – so we can start taking the power away from one being defining, and maybe a hundred years from now the language scene will be different.

My wife kept her name. Funny thing was, MY mom wanted her to keep her name and HER dad wanted her to take my name.

I used to call my 9th grade English teacher "Mrs. XX" even though she wasn't married.

She wasn't young enough to be a Miss and Ms. just didn't roll off the tongue easily. Ms. seems slightly impersonal as well.

I'm trying to get my dude to make a new last name with me. Take half of my last name, half of his, put it together and its a brand new name! Neither my dad's nor his dad's!
He isn't buying that idea yet....I still have time to let him warm up to it, though.

I used to call my 9th grade English teacher "Mrs. XX" even though she wasn't married.

She wasn't young enough to be a Miss and Ms. just didn't roll off the tongue easily. Ms. seems slightly impersonal as well.

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I never understood women changing their name after marriage, but I understand this even less: all of my married friends and sisters-in-law kept their own names, but when they had children, the child's last name is the husband's last name. Not hyphenated, not anything to do with the mother's last name. How can this be? And when I bring it up, they just shrug and have no answer.

I will probably change my name, but it is simply because I have no emotional attachment to my last name. I'm just indifferent and I know that my boyfriend DOES have an attachment to his. It's just a compromise.

I was engaged a few years back, and this was a huge issue. His reaction was actually what started me questioning the whole relationship, since a) he was shocked I wanted to keep my name while everyone else in my life (except extended family) assumed I'd keep it based on my frequently espoused feminism and belief in the personal as the political AND b)he tried to change my mind by arguing it was proof of love and "what was done."

He eventually, and resentfully, came to agree with me, but it just showed me how much resistance there still is the notion that a women's identity is not defined by by her but by her status as married or not. For the record, the deal I insisted on was that I would change to the extent he did. We could both hyphenate, both choose a new name, or both keep our own. And since he would stay Mr., I would stay Ms. If I ever do go through with getting married, it will be to a man who understands and supports this reasoning.

I am recently married New Zealander and have changed my name and feel irritated sometimes that people take my desicion to mean that I am less indepedent than they previously thought me to be.

I'm faced a fair bit of surprise from people who know me which I never quite understood. A male acquitance said to me not long after my wedding that "he hadn't pegged me as the sort of girl to change my name" which was met with the fairly cheesed off comment "So then, what sort of girl did you 'peg' me as?". I felt fairly annoyed that a male who regarded himself as fairly liberal would choose to question my desicion and infer it wasn't the "feminist" one to make.

My mother-in-law has kept her maiden name and said to me to me that she was surprised that all her daughters-in-law had taken her sons names.

A name is nothing but an identification, to me, it's not WHO I am - I am more widely known by a nickname that my proper first name!. I am part of a very large, tight-knit extended family who all have my mother's maiden name as my mother has 5 brothers so my sister and I were the sole cousins in a pool of around 35 to have a different name. So I never felt the connection to my father's name and my own surname as a way to identify me - I was part of the "W" clan even though my surname was "S". So when I chose to drop the "S" and take become a "Mrs O" I didn't view it as losing any of my personal and familial heritage or identity - it was just me moving into a different phase of my life and celebrating a relationship that was very important to me.

Marriage itself is an archaic institution and has become more and more symbolic rather than practical, couples don't need to get married anymore for each person to have certain rights and protections under the law.

While some see me changing my name as an archaic thing to do, I think the important thing is that I had the choice to do it. It was purely up to me and I felt no pressure either way to make the desicion. I find it highly ironic that now I feel a strange social pressure to prove that I still regard myself as somewhat of a feminist. It was a personal choice and one that other women make on what suits them best. Identity and how we concieve of it is such an individual process that is different for everyone.

I kept my last name when I married, and was at an event with my husband that a reporter was covering, so Andy ended up being Andy Anderson in the article. The reporter knew my name and assumed it was the same for my spouse. Whoops.

EW I despise the sound of Mrs.

I kept my full name as I was given at birth and though of changing it to a combo of my mother and fathers name when I was younger.

I was so tormented over this decision when my husband and I first got engaged. I didn't want his name, but I also didn't want to keep my name and then have our kids end up with his. In the end, we both changed our names to something we'd mutually agreed upon. Before we changed our names I was SOOOOO frustrated with all the "Mr. and Mrs. (His first name/last name" mail, especially from family--even my family!

I hate the whole situation.
But I love our new name.

I changed my last name for several reasons but most of all because *I* wanted to and choose to as an individual woman who is not the alpha, omega and end all to be all of every female in the world. I am NOT my husband's property I am part of his fmaily as he is part of mine. Neither was I my father's property before I got married and neither was my mother her father's property. If it's THAT serious to you I'd suggest creating your own last name since the one GIVEN and FORCED on you at birth has NOTHING to do with choice. I CHOOSE my husband when I said yes to our first date. I CHOOSE my husband when I said yes to his marriage proposal. I CHOOSE his last name when I went to the social security office, the DMV, my bank and the HR department to change my last name. How could all of that be done frivolously? My parents had no say in that. The patriarchy had NO say in that and I'll be damned if anyone belittles the authenticity of that choice by blaming it on an illusion of me somehow being forced into it. BY WHO?!

A woman's choices do not end and begin with whether or not she's fertile and may need an abortion. Her choices in life include amongst other things in this country the right to take, create or refuse a last name.

I am not married, but if I ever marry, I will retain my last name. It may be my father's name as well as my grandfather. But, to me, it is also the name that encompasses the women in my family. It is fully, 100% me. It's unique, and I would never look at myself in the same way if I had another name.

This isn't a criticism of anyone else. I do understand that everyone has individual reasoning. However, I have to say that no, we cannot rehistoricize our collective past as females, but we can certainly move forward and make a change.

Good for you, Jessica. I was wondering how the change was progressing because it did seem you endured much criticism here. (Not saying you should be above criticism, but in this instance you certainly seemed to be thoughtful and open about your decision).

Ah, also - I teach at a state university, and when students turn anything in with my name on it, I tell them I prefer 'Ms.' I am not married, but I also correlate the title with marriage. Also, I do not like Miss because again it is a delineation. I feel as though 'Ms.' has come to connote a title similar to 'Mr.'

Right now I am a Ms., and if I get married (and this is looking more and more likely) I will keep my last name for professional and personal reasons.
Hopefully by then, though, I can ask (at least people I don't know and when in professional situations) that people call me Dr. Maybe it sounds elitist, but mostly I really love that it's gender neutral.
I wish there was a pronoun like that for people that haven't gotten a degree. Maybe we should invent one?

My mother had her family history traced back to 1633 when her ancestor came over as an indentured servant. It was interesting, these people had a lot of kids, and early on some of the kids would die and the next kid if it was the same sex would get the deceased kid's name. Seems, urmm... practical... I remember one guy had died at 20 years old and there was a notation saying that historical documents said he was "slain by Indians" my mom and I took notice of that, she said, "eh, he probably deserved it" I mean what a phrase frought with implications...

Eventually one dude headed down south to Mississippi/Louisiana area a couple years before the civil war, and he's the guy my mom descended from.

The women though, the wives and moms, didn't have their last names listed until my grandmother's name was included in parentheses - and actually I think it was my mother who wrote it there. My grandmother's maiden name was Smith. Which I think is crazy ironic, that the first woman in 250 or so years to have her maiden name noted just happened to have the most common surname possible.

When I read through those pages it gave me a big time sense of personal history, and out of that I can feel a sense of purpose, a sense of a tradition to uphold. Sure, my tradition is that of the indentured servant and they guy who probably deserved to get “slain by indians” and an asshole racist who may have terrorized his grandchildren... but... ummmm.... what was my point again... oh yeah the women! I don't know them. I really wish I did.

I kept my last name and gave it to my first two children. My third has my husbands last name. We're planning on one more child and he or she will have his last name. We would have hyphenated our last names to give them but it would be 18 letters long and we thought that was a bit much to saddle them with.

I've never considered changing my last name. I did almost have my husband convinced to change his to mine but as an only child his parents would have freaked a bit, lol.

I've never come across any major problems because of our differing last names. Oh, and I always go by Ms.

I am planning to marry my significant other after college, and I have had a discussion about this name changing issue with seemingly every person who knows we are planning to marry. My two options are: keeping my own name, or we both hyphenate. He doesn't care to hyphenate,so I am keeping mine. Kids will be hyphenated. But I do wonder, what will our kids do when they have kids? How many names can a person have? Simply choosing one or the other of their hyphenated names to pass on doesn't seem right to me. That would force them to choose if they identify more with my last name or his last name. Does anyone have other ideas about this? (Please don't suggest giving the girls one and the boys the other. That's just plain divisive and goes against the point, in my opinion.)

I disagree. I would be uncomfortable with my boyfriend rejecting his own identity in favor of identifying himself as "associated with mamram." If he felt strongly about changing his name, he could change it to anything else, but mine would be kind of out of the question. I do not intend to insult anyone's choice, but the idea of having a partner who changed their name to mine seems kind of...dependent? I know some people are all about uniting lives and identities with their partners, and that's great, but it is important to me that I maintain a discrete identity, and sharing a name would infringe on that. I think that is just as valid as wanting to change one's name.

I think taking the husbands family name is like being branded. I don't want to give his family line credit for who I am -
Sounds crazy and selfish to some, but, frankly, i don't care.

I kept my fathers last name, though I thought of combining my mothers maiden with it~ her maiden name has 26 letters in it....I let common sense make that decision.

My (now ex) husband and I made a deal before we knew the sex of our child. If it was a boy, we would use his name and if a girl my last name.

I had a boy. It was my first real compromise.

It has not ever been a problem to have different last names.

So how many husbands are willing to change their last name to their wives' last name? Yeah... not many. Funny that.

If I can ever legally marry my partner, we should totes have a fight about who gets whose name. ...Or not, really.

In Quebec, it is against the law to change your name when you get married. My mom has her maiden name, as did my grandmothers on both sides. I don't understand why a women would change her identity and become someone else just because she is married. I totally agree with Jessica's choice.

When I married, I traded my clunky birth name that no one could pronounce for a surname that is unique, simple, and pleasant to the ear. While I definitely preferred the idea, in theory, of keeping my birth name, aesthetics and practicality tipped the scales in the other direction.

The name change reflects a patriarchical culture only if you decide to see it that way. I know I am a strong, independent woman who doesn't derive her identity from husband or marriage, and I don't need to keep my birth name to prove that.

my husband and I both hyphenated our last names together. So imagine my annoyance when some relatives wrote to us as Mr and Mrs argh!!! That is like a slap in the face, it's identity stripping to address letters that way!

I know this debate has been had over and over and over ad nauseaum, but I do have something I want to add:

If you choose to take your husband's name, yes, that is a choice. It is your choice and it is a choice that should be respected. But that does not make it a FEMINIST choice. It doesn't make you a bad feminist, not by a long shot, but it is not a feminist choice. No one is calling YOU a bad person for making that choice, but it is a choice made under the conditions of the patriarchy, where women have a choice between keeping their name and changing it to their husband's, but men keep their name by default.

I'm always astounded by the amount of women who justify their name change in a feminist forum because their old name was "too ethnic" or "too hard to spell". Certainly that's a reason to change one's name, a good reason, even, but it's not a feminist reason. How many men have those same names and would never CONSIDER changing them?

My last name is Smith; I am Japanese/white and my partner is Chinese American with a Chinese last name. I will not change my name to his, despite the fact that it's boring, despite the fact that it causes others to question my authenticity as an Asian American and taking his name would be a "get out of jail free" card. I've thought long and hard about whether or not to pass my name on to my children, and I've decided that I probably won't. This kills me to say because I think that one of the most powerful things I could do as a feminist would be to pass on my own name and upset the patrilineal system, but I can't in good conscience make the choice for my kids that they will have to go through the grief of being Asian and named Smith. This is a choice that feminists (especially white ones) should be respectful of, but it is not a feminist choice and I am fully aware of that fact.

My two cents.

This post came at a very good time for me; I had a very upsetting brush with the same problem yesterday.

In July my synagogue wrote to me and my new husband as Mr and Mrs His-firstname His-lastname. I didn't even get a first name! And this is a synagogue whose own rabbis are a married couple, and she uses her birth name - AND she performed the wedding!

I didn't say anything when a friend of mine, who married shortly after me, addressed a wedding invite the same way; it was her wedding and I didn't want her to feel awkward (I will tell her if she does it again). I wouldn't even have been so mad if they'd call me Mrs My-firstname His-lastname, at least then I'd have ANY name of my own. So, I sent a polite and even humorous initial email asking them not to do it.

After another letter addressed the same way came my way this week, I said the same thing again much more strongly, because by now I was very angry. Even so, I went out of my way in my email to say that I wasn't judging women who take their husband's name, and that I was offended for three reasons:
1. I already asked them to stop doing it (and I do pay membership fees).
2. A religious organisation has a particular obligation to prove it is free from patriarchy.
3. When you take someone's name you take their identity, and that's dehumanizing, and as a Jewish institution in particular they should understand the mindset behind this.

Their response, which came yesterday, written by a female admin: "We suggest that you could have taken the time you spent writing that email to do something nice for someone." The old, 'but what about all the starving babies in Sudan' argument, coupled with 'we don't like the way you made your point so let's focus on that, instead of the point itself'.

I don't know whether to go to another synagogue or not, as the next nearest one is 50 miles away. As a lodestone of community it is really important - it's a rural area where there are hardly any Jews so it's really nice when we come together. And they do have a female rabbi, and the male one is awesome. What do you think?

Anyway thanks for this change to vent and ask a community of smart women for their view. And credit to my husband for cheering me up with hilarious impressions of the self-righteous people at the house of God who don't like being questioned - one positive of all this is it reaffirmed how lucky I feel to be with him.

Just for the record, Miss and Mrs are both contractions of Mistress, which means simply, "woman citizen" the way Mr, a contraction of Mister, means "man citizen". The distinction is under 400 years old when they began to separate out. Reasons I've seen given were, because more parish records were being kept, and, regional variances in dialect.

Hence they are as much a symptom of bureaucracy and accent as patriarchy. The latter after all is a lot older than 400 years. If you are going to reject something, know what you are rejecting.

As we don't pronounce "Mr" as "murrr" the way "Ms" is pronounced "muzzz", I think the most equal thing to men would logically be to write Ms pronounced Mistress, to correspond to Mr pronounced Mister. But I would prefer all women to be Ms pronounced Miss, as I think this sounds nicer (and has no connotations of being, well, a mistress). Any thoughts?

All these identities are me: Ms. when I'm out slaying dragons, Mrs. when I'm in the company of those I love most, Miss when I want to stay home under the covers and daydream.

I think Ms. Gibbs actually alludes to quite an important point. That is, we live in a social world always in relation to others. I've toiled with the name thing for a long time, but I can never come to a solution - because their isn't one. I like Ms. but women choose Mrs. and Miss (or allow others to call them that way) and change their last name for deeply social reasons. It's about your family, your significant others, and the values/culture/whatnot you've inherited (whether questioned or not). As much as feminists talk about empowerment and autonomy, it never really is just US, alone in the world making free choices (as free as we like to think we are).

Another thing that always get's me in a pickle is that MY last name that I love and never want to change will always be my father's and his father's and his father's. And my mother's maiden name (which she admits wishing she had kept) - as much as I've thought about the romantic gesture of changing my name to her's - will always be her father's, father's, etc. name. Alas! The ongoing legacy of patriarchy!

But, I like Gibbs' perspective, and I don't judge women who change their last name like I used to. Because this world is social historical and complicated. AND there are so many other pressing issues to worry about in this world that move beyond the insulated concerns of supposedly autonomous feminist white middle class women (like myself!).

Actually, I have known men who change hard-to-pronounce or otherwise problematic surnames. A male in-law with a long, difficult last name simplified it by cutting off a syllable; a male acquaintance with the last name "Cock" exchanged it for the less embarrassing "Cox."

It's just a name; if you don't like it, change it; if you do like it and don't want it changed upon marriage, keep it. There's more to being a feminist than what you choose to do with your surname.

Actually, I have known men who change hard-to-pronounce or otherwise problematic names. A male in-law with a difficult mouthful of a surname simplified it by lopping off a syllable; a male acquiantance with the last name "Cock" exchanged it for the less embarrassing "Cox."

It's just a name. If you don't like it, change it; if you don't want to change it upon marriage, keep it. The point of feminism is that you have a choice. It's like choosing to stay home with children instead of having a job outside the home. It is most certainly a feminist choice as long as you acknowledge that you DO have a choice.

I've never liked "Miss" because it connotes youth and we young people take a lot of discrimination based on our age. I'd rather people not be able to guess my age group by my title. I'll be a Ms. now and a Ms. should I decide to get married.

When my husband and I were legally married I retained my surname. However, when we had our wedding ceremony a year later, I took on my husband's name. Not because my original surname sounded weird, or was hard to misspell....but because..I wanted to. Simple as that. I don't want to be told that I'm a bad feminist simply because I choose to do something that has it's roots in a possibly twisted patriarchal history. I know that I am a great feminist, however, I am not going to live my life politically correct 24/7 just so I can conform to an ideal of what someone wants me to be.

Here's a thought: Why can't we come up with a title that applies equally to women and men?

If we don't want/need to know whether someone is married or not from their title, then why does their title need to indicate their gender?

I remember reading something on one of the many blogs I browse:

You can control your actions. You can't control how they're perceived.

Which is kind of the summation of this and many other feminist (or progressive) arguments, I think.

No matter how much I examine a choice, think about it, debate it, consider other paths...when I make a decision that aligns with patriarchal traditions--even if this decision is what's best for me as an individual and makes me happy and fulfilled in my life--there are still going to be people thinking I've done it because it's "what you do." Or people who think I've capitulated. (And on some level, I probably have. It's a tangled web.)

What's best for the individual doesn't, necessarily, challenge patriarchy or promote feminist ideals. (I'm not sure that's the phrase I want, but ah well.)

That's o.k.

It's impossible, not to mention exhausting, stepping up to the challenge in everything that we do.

We all pick our battles and not all of us pick the same ones. (Which, obviously--reading the comments--can be frustrating. We're not always on the same page. And when our personal choices are analyzed/questioned things can get a little heated.)

For me, the name changing thing is one of the battles I will gladly fight.

I won't change my last name. I want to be in that small percentage of women who doesn't. I want to help that percentage grow. I want to make this more common place.

Admittedly, this is one of the easier battles for me.

I'm not up against annoying relatives who belittle me for this decision. My partner has no problem with it. (He's even mentioned taking my last name...which, doesn't sit well with me, frankly, but I'm glad he's open to the idea.)

Personally, I have to say I will find women changing their last names to their husbands' more socially...palatable, if you will, when ideals shift.

When just as many men change their last names to their wives'. Or when that, at the least, becomes a topic of conversation when marriage is brought up.

When women are not constantly asked if they're changing their last name. When it's no long just assumed that if a woman has married, her last name is changed. When people stop calling women's last names "just their father's" while ignoring the fact that a man's last name is also "his father's," but assuming that it "sticks" better to him (or something). Etc, etc. ad nauseum.

I have a feeling that shift is going to take a while, though.

Maybe people should go back and read some work by Patricia Hill Collins to undertstand that:

" A linguistic choice is also a political choice"

I am still amazed that people do not understand that they can not separate a word from its history and all of the meanings that word has ever had. It's a package deal, you want one meaning you get them all. There is no picking and choosing meaning.

When I married five and a half years ago, I opted to take my husband's name. Here's why:

1) I had grew up in a household where my mom and step-dad had one last name and I had a different one. My spouse and I wanted to have kids, and I wanted all of us to share a name.

2) Both our last names are long, so hyphenation was out of the question. We tried blending the names but didn't come up with anything we liked.

3) My "maiden" name is hard to spell and pronounce - I wanted an easier name, which my husband has. Plus, it's my father's name - I didn't see that keeping it would be a big blow to patriarchy.

4) I wanted to try living life with a different name and here was a chance to easily change my name.

I do insist on my called Ms. despite having taken my husband's name. My marital status is no one's business but my own and my spouse's.

Linguistic choices are political - and they're also personal.

Side note - prior to changing my name, I was the only person (according to Google) with my first and last name. Now I share it with at least three other women in the U.S.

My boyfriend and I recently got into a discussion about name-changing (my grandmother is getting remarried and planning on changing her name; this provoked the discussion). I have a deep attachment to my name; he has little to his (as he puts it; it's just a name). We discussed, when we were married, for him to take my name to provide 'familial unison'-- however, we realized that this would involve a large amount of paperwork and money (for administrative fees) ... so, we're keeping our own names and blowing the approx. $500 on something more significant.

As for our children, what extraordinary benefit is there from siblings having the same last names?

This is an extremely passionate topic for me, as I was married 2.5 years ago, and I am still getting people who feel they should weigh in on my choice to keep my name. People who have purposefully (although knowing my choice), called me by my husband's name, or told other subordinates to call me by my husband's name.

I think there is even more pressure on Men, not to change their names to ours. My husband at first said he would not take my name as my sister's first name is pronounced the same (Aaron/Erin)... but now that my sister is changing her last name to her future husbands, he still won't change his.

My husband expects that if we have any children that they would default get his last name, which I disagree with. We have no conclusive decision here.

I know that not having the same last name, has not made us any less a family but I routinely have to deal with peoples BS over the whole situation. Its MY choice, and I have an abundance of reasons for that choice.

A (male) friend of mine married a wonderful woman this summer. They are now Mr.and Ms. "her name his name".

No hyphen, basically they both go by three names.

It often seems that the extent of a man's feminism does not always correlate with the extent of his espoused liberalism, especially when it comes to this business of naming.

Even though my friend is a very liberal guy, I was a little surprised (and very impressed) that they decided to handle it in this way.

On the other hand, another male friend of mine got married a few years ago and they are Mr. and Mrs. "his name." They are both great people and she is career-driven and independent.

So you can't derive personality traits from this one issue, though many people try to.

Here's my opinion:

I think people's differing reasons for not changing their name, for changing it to a partner's name, for hyphenating, etc., etc., are all valid. Though I do wish more people would think critically about why they should or should not change their name, instead of merely following patriarchal tradition.

Addressing a woman as "Mrs. Husband's First Name Husband's Last Name" is insulting as all hell. Talk about eradicating all identity. This seems to be dying out, but I'm not sure how popular it is outside of the Northeast--I would be curious to know if it's still popular in the South, for instance.

I would like to see Ms. replace both Mrs. and Miss (making it effectively marital-status neutral, like Mr.)

I had a wonderful photography professor in college that explained commented on this one day in class. As one of my classmates introduced herself she said her first name only, he proceed to demand that she tell the class her first and last name. Stating that she was an artist first, an adult individual, and not just a product of her parents or a woman waiting for a husband.

Now, I definitely don't think he handled that in the most appropriate way, but it made me think about the the point.

It's nice to see another post on this! I deal with the issue of having my own name very often. We have separate accounts and separate library cards and on and on, just out of habit really.. but we are on the same insurance now and it is really annoying the 'reaction' I sometimes get here in Arkansas from physicians office employees when I'm just trying to get signed in.

Every once in a while someone will demand an explanation BEFORE doing whatever it is I'm trying to do (get a prescription filled).. and I tell them I kept my name.. no big deal right? I have had people then ask WHY? Because I FELT like it.. now give me my birth control, thank you!

I just heard the most unusual and humorous reason for taking a husbands name!

My friend is in her 60's and has been married 6 times. When I asked her about it, she looked at her sleeve of tattoos and said, "I collect their names like I collect tattoos. Each one signifies another chapter, another story, another path, in a rich life story that is full of adventurous twists and turns."

love that.

Still keeping my name and my un-tattood skin.

Completely agree. I like my name and the history of my family it links back to. Which is why I got so peeved off when reading this:

http://www.madisonmag.com.au/blogs/his-say-whats-in-a-name.htm

you shouldn't have to trick your girlfriend into taking your surname!

The discussion at hand prompted me to look up the rules & regulations re: surnames in my country.
Turns out that upon marriage, both partners get the mutual right to use their spouse's surname or any hyphenated combination of both - their own name does not legally change although it is possible to document a preferred use with all government bodies.
A first child may receive either parent's name (no hyphenated ones), though all subsequent children will automatically have the same surname "for the sake of family unity". In the case of two mothers, the biological mum gives the surname.

I have never felt any inclination or pressure to change my surname. It is me and I am attached to it. Potential future children will bear my name, too. Potential future marriage partner: deal.

FYI, Picasso was Pablo's mom's maiden name.

Also, I changed my name after giving it a lot of thought. Nobody I knew in my family except my dad had my last name, and my dad was not very nice to me. My husband's family was lovely to me, they all shared his last name, and I wanted to be totally part of the family. So I changed it, and I've been glad because to me the name represents the clan more than the person.

Ben Zimmer (the language expert) writes on the history of Ms. in the NYT: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/25/magazine/25FOB-onlanguage-t.html?_r=1 and in VT: http://www.visualthesaurus.com/cm/wordroutes/2043/