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Dear Professor Foxy,
I go to a very socially liberal, small private school where I am heavily involved in queer and feminist activism. Over the summer, I waited tables in a popular tourist area where I also met, and fell in love with, a woman that I am now in a long distance relationship with. Because I was working in a more conservative area, I did not broadcast the fact that I consider myself politically radical as well as queer, though my haircut generally means I'm read as a butch lesbian.
Now that I am back at school, I am working through the emotional and social effects of accepting my identity as trans and genderqueer. Because I am in such a liberal and accepting environment, I have the privilege of having a community of people that are familiar with the types of language used to describe my identity, and are comfortable with the concept of non-binary gender. My partner, though she publicly interacts with the world as a woman (albeit butch), has also told me that she has some trans and gender identity issues. She also is originally from a more conservative area than I am, and her family is much more conservative, so she has never really been able to act upon those impulses.
I have hit a point where I feel that being out as trans, and hopefully initiating some of the steps of physical transition, are critical to my current and future happiness. However, I am completely unsure of how to initiate this conversation with my partner. Because I don't feel that I totally fit the label FTM (a concept that my partner is familiar with), I feel like I may need to launch into some sort of explanation of queer theory, etc. I am afraid of coming off as condescending and overly academic, and possibly offending or hurting my partner. I also think that the idea of being genderqueer, or at least being far more flexible about gender, might be a freeing concept for her. Still, I am afraid that she might judge me or be unhappy about my desire to physically transition. I am also very much in love with her, and feel that I should be able to go to her for support on this issue.
These problems are augmented by the fact that we are in a long distance relationship and will not see each other again for a little more than a month. I would be devastated if she broke up with me because I spoke with her about this, but I also do not want to be dishonest with her and pursue transitioning without telling her. Would it be inappropriate to pursue transitioning without telling my partner? How do I respond if my partner is ok with my intellectually knowing that I'm trans, but isn't ok with taking physical steps toward transition?
Thanks,
A confused transperson
Dear Confused Trans Person -
Thanks for your letter. As I was reading it, I kept thinking this is about you, not about queer theory. By this I mean while queer theory may have helped you along your journey and I am not trying to negate that, but the heart of this issue is you and your happiness. I think you need to speak to your partner from your heart and from the personal. Talk about what you want for yourself and your body and how you think you will go about achieving it. Tell her what this means to you and why it is important to you.
You should be able to go to your partner for support, it is key to having a healthy relationship and you will need support as you transition. Make sure you have other places to turn to as well, especially places where you can work out your feelings about her reaction.
I think you should tell her as you are going through the process of thinking things out for yourself. How do you usually have serious conversations with her? Over the phone, email, gchat? So tell her soon and take time to rehearse it and think it out first. What do you think her hardest questions will be? What is the worst thing she could say? The best? Be ready for all of them. Also be ready to give her some space to think things through for herself. We all have our own ways of dealing with major change and she may need time to deal.
She will also deal based on her own issues, especially since she has some gender identity issues of her own. She may feel happy that she has someone who gets gender issues, she may be jealous, she may be incredibly happy, and she will likely need to figure out who she is in relation to you. Her reactions are hers, not yours and you will need space and other places of reflection to work out who you are for yourself.
You deserve support and she deserves honesty. She may not be able to support you through your transition and that will be incredibly painful. She may also be excited for you and excited about possibilities for herself. She will likely be some place in between. You both need to know if you can count on and be honest with each other; regardless of the issue this is the only way for relationships to stay healthy and strong.
Best,
Professor Foxy
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Yes, that can be very difficult. I would argue than any queer-identified person has some gender identity issues, though I hate to put it in terms that make it sound like a problem rather than a reality. That certainly has been something I have dealt with in my own bisexuality and some partners I have had are more comfortable with it than others. It just goes to show one how frustratingly inexact are strict gender definitions, particularly in LGBTs, but also in heterosexuals, too.
Has anyone here who's active in the trans community seen the documentary "Transgeneration"? It's in netflix "watch instantly", and I've gone thought it a bit, but I don't know enough about trans issues to know if it's recommendable or condemnable.
It seems like it might be a good starting point for the person in question, but I don't know if they've seen it, or if their partner has seen it.
regardless, yes, the person writing should be able to go to their partner for support, and if it's not there at all, it's not going to be a good match. But on the other hand, this might be tough for a partner to deal with, so I counsel patience and support on both sides. Unless the partner says "I never want to speak to you again, goodbye" there might be some comforting and reassuring from the person who's transitioning's side needed as well.
Confused,
I would echo Professor Foxy's advice that you try to discuss things with your partner as you're dealing with them. That isn't to say you can't take some time to yourself, to try and get your head in order, but I don't think waiting until you see your partner in person again is the best decision.
In my most recent relationship, which started before I began transitioning, one of the hardest things to deal with was distance. My girlfriend was out of the country for months at a time, and she repeatedly expressed how difficult it was to come back and see me changed, both physically and emotionally/mentally/presentationally.
Linked with that, though, I learned that it was naive of me to try to "wait" to transition until she was ready. My attempts to keep pace with her, rather than urging her to keep pace with me, were well-intentioned, but they ultimately didn't do either of us any good - they frustrated her when I wasn't able to stick to timelines I set out (for where I was out, how I was presenting myself, etc), and they frustrated me for feeling like I'd agreed to slow things down against my will.
Rereading your question, that's all looking at your first question (How/when should I tell her?) and not the second (...and what if she doesn't like it?) The hardest lesson I learned from this past relationship of mine was that transitioning, ultimately, can't and shouldn't be about your partner. That isn't for a second to say you can't be sensitive to the fact that it's difficult for them, too, or to help find ways to make things easier. But you shouldn't be asked to compromise who you are in any relationship and that, fundamentally, is what transitioning is all about. If your partner isn't OK with you taking steps to transition, and that's what you need, then she needs to find a way to be OK.
I'm making things out to be unreasonably simple, and for that I am sorry. I know it's much easier to say, "Your partner needs to get on board!" than it is to contemplate how to react if she's not. And I'm not trying to say you can't take things slow, to some extent, out of a desire to give your partner a little more time to process. But, over the long term, I think "waiting" is going to hurt you both. (I'd love to hear any partners of trans people weigh in, since I'm obviously hugely biased, and don't pretend not to be.)
Best of luck, though. You're looking at undertaking something big and scary, and you deserve people in your life who will support you whole-heartedly.
-Rebecca
I attended my university's GLBTQI training session this last Friday, and they brought in a panel of people from across the gender spectrum.
One of the women who spoke has a partner who is currently transitioning (FTM), and she her story is so compelling because you can sense her love for her partner in every sentence. I hope some of this will be helpful when you talk to your partner :)
She said she was not shocked that her partner is a trans man, but that it was still initially hard to accept because she had such a long struggle coming to terms with her own (homosexual) identity.
She said she experiences/d a sense of loss as the body of the person she loves changes, but also shares their joys in this transition. There may be times when your partner doesn't want to talk about it, needs time to grieve - but there will also be many times where they will enthusiastically celebrate you realising your identity more fully.
To echo Prof Foxy, you should be prepared for the best, worst, and the in-betweens. I think that love can overcome any difficulty, and wish you the best of luck and happiness :)
My main advice is just to have the conversation face-to-face. I know this is hard because of the long-distance, but it will inevitably be more satisfying and resolute if you do it in person instead of on the phone (certainly better than on the Internet).
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.