When asked about motherhood in an interview for Prevention magazine, she said she actually learned what not to do from her mom, which is to sacrifice your entire being for your kids:
"She'd say being a good mother isn't all about sacrificing. It's really investing and putting yourself higher on your priority list.""Throughout my life, I've learned to make choices that make me happy and make sense for me. . . So I have freed myself to put me on the priority list and say, yes, I can make choices that make me happy, and it will ripple and benefit my kids, my husband and my physical health."
"That's hard for women to own. We're not taught to do that. It's a lesson that I want to teach my girls."
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The first step in loving someone else is to first love yourself...
My mother sacrificed waaaaay too much of herself for her children. That was definitely a mistake for her. She has sacrificed her career happiness and her health. While she has never said it directly to me, I think she regrets it and I take it as an example of what NOT to do.
Likewise, I use my MIL as a reason to go back to school and start a career. She was mainly a wife and mother until a couple years ago (partly this was due to a controlling spouse), going quickly from that to divorced/widowed with an empty house. She's at a very similar point in life to many of us at 18. While I'm sure she genuinely enjoyed it, now that it's gone, she seems a bit lost.
I never saw myself becoming just a mother, but she's my example of why I need to figure myself out before adding kids to the equation :(
I'm so happy she said that! I'm not a mom, but as a woman I've always felt that I was supposed to be overly concerned with pleasing other people. It's awesome that someone like Michelle, whose statements have the power to reach so many people, is talking about women making themselves happy. I heart her.
I hear you, SarahSimone. My mother sacrificed herself for us, but she sort of acted like a martyr about it, and made me feel guilty (I can't speak for my brother.) I believe this made me the extreme people-pleaser I am today. I am in therapy to try and dig myself out of this so I can care for myself and, if I ever have kids, I know it will benefit them as well. Michelle Obama is truly an inspiration.
My mom worked her ass off for me, and I appreciate how much she gave, and still gives me. But there was always the sense that because she worked so hard, I was never allowed to be displeased or unhappy. I think mother and daughters would have much better relationships if women were encouraged to pursue their own happiness and talk openly about their wants and needs.
I couldn't agree more! That's the best lesson my mother ever taught me. She held a full time job outside the home once my brother and I were in school, sang in several different choirs, and volunteered in our church. Her having "other" things to do was an intrical part of my learning and understanding how to be a woman and a mother. Even when she was a stay at home mom, she would send us kids to our room for a couple of hours in the afternoon, whether it was for a nap or not, for us all to have "quiet time". As a mother now, that break in the day is a necessary part of finding time for my self, so I can be a better mother to my daughter. My husband and I both have activities outside of the home and hope it will model for our children the importance of being well rounded and loving one's self enough to feed our whole souls.
Thank you Michelle Obama for your willingness to share this lesson with others!
Slightly off topic, but I really like that idea of quiet time . . . it teaches kids to entertain themselves (as in, not with video games/the internet/ mom as clown performances) and I bet it also helped to teach good homework habits . . . I really like this. It completely reinforces Michelle's point, too, that moms doing good things for themselves benefit the family as well.
The other day, my mom bought herself her first new laptop EVER! She goes to college online, and has always used a laptop issued by work or one of her kids' laptops or whatever. She got a great deal on it, and I called her later to see how it was working. She said "I haven't even taken it out of the box yet . . . if you called and asked for $800 for boots I'd be like here ya go! But I spent 800 on my self and I think I'm gonna be sick!" I think that was a very healthy step for her, to put herself first for once.
Yay moms!
I also agree. Kids getting attention on demand is certainly going to bite them in the arse as adults, and being ignored all the time because your parents aren't willing to actually give themselves a break so just resent you isn't great either. :P
I so had a dream about Michelle Obama last night... how bloody weird. She is a great woman, and I love so much that she actually says these things. Martyrism isn't healthy for anyone but it's what everyone and particularly women are taught!
This is true in so many contexts in women's lives as mothers...there is this destructive idea out there that what is good for the kids is bad for the mom and vice versa. It starts with the idea in obstetrics that there is an inherent "maternal-fetal conflict" involved in childbearing and birthing, and continues into so many aspects of our lives, most politically the issue of work. There's this idea that what the mom wants to do is, for that very reason, bad for the kids. So we see some (wealthier, married) women being judged/feeling guilty for working outside the home, on the assumption they are doing it because they WANT to, and some other (usually less wealthy) women being judged for staying home, also on the assumption they are doing it because they WANT to. Whose to say what drove those women's choices? And moreover, why this idea that a woman is only being a good mother if she is doing the opposite of what she wants and what makes her happy "for her kids". You don't see this sort of attitude with dads.
Dr. Phil always says this to overburdened moms: if you want to take good care of your kids, you have to take good care of their mother first. That's 100% true. You don't have to be perfect, but if you're going to raise a kid, you have to make sure you're healthy and happy too.
I think Oprah preaches the same.
It makes sense. If you don't have the strength to support yourself, how the hell are you going to support anyone else? You don't build a house by stealing stones from the foundation.
I know a lot of crappy-ass mothers that practice putting themselves first, they at the club while I'm on my way home. I know what she means but I don't see all THAT much selflessness going on in the world as much as we like to pretend that every mom is a good one.
I try not to pay attention to politicians' families, but I love all the Obamas. I'm eager to see how Michelle decides to use the "office" of the First Lady.
I love her!!! I am so glad that she said what she really felt about this topic.
Please, please get a mother as an editor at Feministing. You desperately need a mother's point of view. Obviously she couldn't represent all mothers, but at least she might help frame some of these issues from a mother's point of view rather that from daughters' point of view. If I have to read another "oh my mother sacrificed everything poor her" post I'm going to go get my wire hangers.