This weekly Saturday column "Ask Professor Foxy" will regularly contain sexually explicit material. This material is likely not safe for work viewing. The title of the column will include the major topic of the post, so please read the topic when deciding whether or not to read the entire column.
Dear Professor Foxy,
I am a sixteen-year-old lesbian with a question about gender expression. I have never been "conventionally feminine". As a child I never wore dresses by choice, enjoyed very physical play and running about outdoors, and was generally known to be a tomboy. I have been out to myself for almost three years now, and am relatively comfortable with my sexuality. As comfortable as I am about anything else at this point in life, at least.
I tend to think of myself as a soft butch. I usually find masculine clothing to be more comfortable for me, physically and in terms of my self-image. A few months ago, after a long period of discussion with my parents, I got my hair cut quite short. Not buzz cut short or even close, but about two inches long all over. Societal problems below aside, I couldn't be happier with it.
However, since this change I have learned something about myself: I apparently have a masculine facial structure. In the past three months, I have been referred to as male or called by male pronouns on at least two dozen different occasions, probably more. And I'll admit, I'm very thrown by this. (I don't think I look male at all, nor does my family, but obviously a few others disagree.) I've never heard this issue discussed by either the feminist or LBGT communities, so I thought you might have an idea on how I should respond to this.
I am wondering what the proper feminist response is when one is referred to as a guy. Am I accepting male/masculine privilege by just allowing people to read me as male? Should I correct strangers when they refer to me by the wrong pronouns, and if so, how do I go about doing that? Right or wrong, I'm not especially offended when it happens. The only reason I'm writing at all is because my mom is upset by it, it does happen quite regularly, and I want to make sure I handle this properly.
Subtle changes in my wardrobe and mannerisms have proved ineffective at resolving this, to my mother's frustration. She thinks that I should either grow my hair back out or wear overtly feminine clothes to ensure people read me as female. Because I like both my clothes and my hair the way they are, would it be selling out to take her advice?
I guess my real question is this: Should I keep ignoring those who get it wrong, "femme up" my appearance, or keep my look the way it is and speak up when I'm misread?
Thanks,
Not a "Sir"
Hello Ma'am -
I am really happy that you are this comfortable with yourself and your gender expression. Unfortunately, you are ahead of the world, which has not caught up yet. Regardless of your facial structure, we live in a society that overwhelmingly codes gender by obvious external traits: haircut and clothing type. I have seen butch and soft butch women with extremely feminine facial features and large breasts regularly referred to as "sir."
You are being true to yourself and this is commendable, but not easy. Nor is it going to go away, but it is a great deal less painful to deal with then putting on an exterior that does not reflect you. The real question is how to deal with both the random strangers and your mother.
If you do not feel the need to correct them, then don't. The proper response is whatever feels best for you. I would also talk to your mother, who seems quite supportive, and tell her that you understand it upsets her, but this is who you are and you both have to learn how to deal with this.
I do not think you are accepting male privilege by allowing people to read you as male, you are just reflecting who you are. When you correct people, you expand their idea of what it means to be a woman. Correcting people should be done when you feel comfortable and safe. Unfortunately, this is just something that you and the people you love will have to deal with so you can be true to yourself.
Best,
Professor Foxy
If you have a question for Professor Foxy, send it to ProfessorFoxyATfeministingDOTcom.
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An issue came up this week about female-only gyms and female-only trains, and it made me wonder about the approaches we might choose to take when we are deciding how best to be true to ourselves.
It would be easy for us to withdraw into a tight network of those like us and our allies as is often done within cities. Hence, this is the reason why every major metropolitan area has a gay district or, as is the case with my hometown of Birmingham, an area of town that those in the know who are LGBT choose to settle, though that fact certainly would never be advertised as such by the Chamber of Commerce.
Does doing so make the matter worse, or is it a natural, safe response to potential acts of ignorance, or god forbid, crime?
I think it does both. On the one hand, it only makes sense to want to be around others who have similar ideas and interests (especially when there's a threat of violence from those who don't). However, it limits the exchange of ideas and therefore the progression of our culture and society. So it's a tough question, and one people seem to be talking about a lot lately, but no one seems to be doing much about. (I know I'm not moving to Kansas anytime soon.)
Members of marginalized classes get the oppressors' viewpoint shoved down their throat by every available means. People who live in LGBTQTIA areas, women who go to female only gyms, Black people who live in predominately black parts of town still work in the larger world, shop in the larger world, have family members in the larger world, watch TV and movies and read magazines made by and for the larger world. There is no chance what so ever that that marginalized groups will ever be isolated from the privileged class.
The privileged class will miss out on viewpoints different from their own, but so fucking what. Not my job to enhance their life experience with my own.
But when we do share our experiences, we make our viewpoints more widely accepted, which makes it easier for those in the larger world coming to terms with their own identity.
I don't have any advice, but I want to applaud the questioner for being very comfortable with her sexuality and her physique. Not many of us have that level of confidence in ourselves.
I read "out to myself" as a fairly key phrase here.
It is not apparent that Not a "Sir" is out to her mother. There may be reasons for this, and her mom's discomfort with these gender misperceptions are probably symptomatic of just the-not-knowing if her daughter is gay, straight, or trans. Uncertainty can be awkward.
This begs the question of when an appropriate time to come out is, and how, and to who. I think that presenting as butch is probably a good starting point for building her mom's acceptance level, but without details of family/cultural issues (big city? small town? race? religion?) it's hard to gauge whether a 16 year old living at home is in a safe space to be completely out. Her mom could kick her out of the house, or her mom could be the next president of PFLAG.
As the professor points out, this is something that the people you love will have to deal with, but the first step is letting them know (if you can) what the deal is. It's easier than dealing with it all alone.
I think the issues already raised in these comments are really important, and this may sound very fatuous and off-topic in comparison, and is not even something that was specifically addressed in the question but...
I just wanted to say if you present as, and possess physical features that are, androgenous/boyish/gender ambiguous/or butch, people can react in a confused, embarrassed or negative way sometimes... however just because you don't fit conventional standards of attractiveness, does not mean you're not beautiful!
Queer folk who don't conform to strict gender norms tend to be the receivers of more negative messages from society and more queerphobia; we're often implicitly told that we are very unattractive because we don't fit and this can be really destructive and painful... it took me a long time to accept myself and feel good about looking andro or butch, and to say 'stuff it, i don't care that i don't feel comfortable presenting in a feminine way or that i've got boyish facial features, i still think i look good!' - and i think the acceptance of this smallish part of myself really helped me accept and feel comfortable about being queer overall. Many people find gender non-conformity very beautiful, and I just wanted to say this to you.
ps exploration of gender is a lot fun :), i don't know if you've come across terms like genderqueer, but there's lots of stuff on the internet about this it, and it can be quite a useful way of conceptualising gender idenity for some people
This is a very interesting letter for me. I have had short hair for a significant portion of my life and often was mistaken for a boy. I hated it as a child because I was taught to be offended by it but I also didn't want to change what made me comfortable (my hair and clothing style), which also happened to be why everyone thought I was male. After awhile, I just learned to live with it and in fact now, I find it kind of amusing. I cross-dressed a few times and found that that extreme was too much for me, but it wasn't being treated as male that bothered me - it just didn't fit me.
But I've been growing my hair out for awhile (for the first time in my life I am actually enjoying having long hair) and have started to wear more dresses and jewelry more often for my own personal reasons. Sometimes, I honestly feel like I'm in drag again, but as a woman rather than a man. Especially when people act like I'm finally looking like a "proper" woman - while I don't get male privilege out of it, of course, there is some major privilege to fitting into one gender stereotype or the other. But I keep telling myself that I'm not doing this for them, and if anyone treats me differently because of it, it's their problem, not mine; it certainly makes me lose some respect for them.
...I'm not saying that that's the proper feminist response, because I really don't know what is (if there is one), but that that is what works for me.
I'm not clear on the problem here. Since the appropriate pronoun to use is the one preferred by the person being referred to, does it not follow that if you are not bothered one way or the other, that it doesn't actually matter?
It's more like this: I am female. That's how I see myself. If someone, for some reason, were to ask what pronoun I prefer it would be "she" every time.
But I'm not going to be angry about an innocent mistake, especially one that makes some sense based on how I look and dress. So it does bother me to the extent that it's not the pronoun I feel accurately represents who I am, but I don't get angry or hurt by it. My mom does.
So in some ways, you're right. I have no real problem. The only problem is that others in my life mind it much more than I do, and I have to deal with them and their reactions.
Hi,
I can relate to this post. I also identify as a gay female, and dress and act in rather androgynous ways. In addition to having short hair, I am also rather flat-chested and very tall, so at a quick glance I am often mistaken for a guy.
I also exclusively identify as female. While it doesn't inherently bother me when people mistake my gender, it does bother me because it highlights what a confined, limited view people have of what a women is. My androgyny is seemingly incompatible with their perception of being a women.
Whenever someone refers to me by the incorrect pronoun, I politely correct them. At least maybe then next time they see someone androgynous looking, they won't make a presumption.
Flashbacks. I could have written some of this. I had short hair up until late high school. I never wore dresses by choice. I love sports. Strangers would often come up to me and ask me if I was a boy or a girl. My main reply was "what does it matter to you?" and then I'd walk away. Even now with long hair and large boobs people often refer to me by the wrong pronoun, ask me if I'm a lesbian or trans. I just give a death stare and roll it off my back. I just don't care enough to educate every person who's a jerk. The only times it truly bothers me is when it happens in front of friends. A friend once told me I was falsely advertising myself since I'm hetero and don't dress to attract men. We don't speak much anymore.
I am wondering what the proper feminist response is when one is referred to as a guy.
I'm hardly one to tell a woman what the proper feminist response to anything is, but as it's an open question, my advice (if you choose to take it) is to look at the context. People are influenced by culture in subtle ways, and may not mean anything at all by mistaking you for a man.
(again, IMO) If you feel like correcting them, keep in mind that you're not obligated to go beyond that. You don't owe anyone an education in gender presentation, your feelings on clothing, or how you like to present yourself.
AgnesGrep's anecdote about being told that she was being false because she's het and not dressing to attract men is a good example of how the patriarchy trains us to think we're living up to an obligation to others when we dress, rather than expressing ourselves as we want to. I hate that sense of obligation. I've seen it mess up so many people.
And finally, I'm a bit concerned about you saying that the only reason you're writing is that your mother is upset over you being perceived as a man. A dear friend of mine is in a similar situation, an she's a married lesbian. She just cut her hair short, and got flack from her parents.
On the other hand, my wife, who's experimenting with gender presentation, hair, and clothing has been cutting her hair short for quite some time now, and eventually her mother got used to it. So there's hope that your parents will get used to your self image.
Anyhow, I hope that helped.
chrisbean, in the OP she stated that she is a lesbian - and not conforming to gender stereotypes does *not* make her trans.
Hi Not a Sir.
In answer to your question; I would (politely) point out the mistake.
Only if you feel safe doing so, of course. And only if it would actually make you feel better.
You don't owe anyone an education on gender, or owe your mother or anyone else effort to make *them* feel better.
You shouldn't have to 'femme up' or conform in any way to beauty standards. I don't think it would make you happier to appear more conventionally feminine, if you don't want to.
Equally, if at some time you do want to femme up because *you* want to, that doesn't make you a bad feminist, bad lesbian, etc etc. It wouldn't mean you have to do so *all* the time, either. Most women present far more 'femme' at some times than others. It is an effort. Also, it;s normal to feel like presenting differently on different days.
As AgnesGrep & Josh Jasper said, everyone should be able to dress exactly how they want, not how others expect or want them to.
It sounds like your mother is more bothered anout this than you are. It might be an idea to talk to her and explain where you're coming from. It might be worth saying 'This is who I am, please stop pressuring me to look more femme'. Young women are trained to be people pleasers. The younger you can start to reverse that training, the better. Good luck.
@butterflywings,
OF COURSE this doesn't make her trans!! Presenting as soft butch (or even harder butch) is miles and miles away from presenting as male. I spent several years presenting as androgyne (in a Bowie-meets-Jean-Seaberg way), totally unrelated to my sexuality.
I was simply saying that IF she is NOT out to her mother, then her mom doesn't know whether she has a lesbian daughter, OR a boyish straight daughter, OR a child identifying as something other than female on the gender spectrum.
If she's not out to the people around her, they will have no idea of NaS's gender identity OR sexuality, which compounds the awkwardness.
I really appreciate your comments, and I'm sorry I didn't reply to your first post; it's been a busy weekend.
I am out to my immediate family and a few others, but not much more due to the general reality of where I live. (Bible belt.)
My mother's issues actually aren't with what I wear or how I look, I don't think. She's been very on-board with the haircut idea and never had issues with my clothes before recently.
I think, after talking to her again and thinking on some comments made here, her concerns are largely related to the unconscious belief that women should be people pleasers/try to make everyone happy, and less to actual gender or sexuality issues.
I've talked with her since reading Professor Foxy's advice, and it seems that her main concern is that I will make others feel bad or embarrass them.
Fortunately, after talking with her, some things have been resolved. She says she doesn't want me to wear anything I don't genuinely like, just to be aware of what I'm wearing and consider more feminine clothing. Which I'm fine with.
So, at least for now, I'm going to stick with wearing what I like, correcting people only when it's relevant/important, and hoping mom isn't around when strangers mess it up.
Thanks so much to everyone for their thoughts and advice!
As another woman who has been mistaken for a man, I just wanted to emphasize that the confusion of others has nothing to do with you. Just b/c people call you "sir" does not automatically mean that you "apparently have masculine facial features" or that you dress too masculine to be considered female.
I shaved my head my senior year of college. I'm 5'4" with big hips and d-cup boobs. I'm heterosexual. I wear dresses and skirts all the time and people STILL mistook me for a man. A kid once loudly proclaimed to his mother that I was "not a lady" even though I was wearing very feminine clothing (a skirt and blouse). My boyfriend and I were harassed regularly on the street because people thought we were a gay couple, once while I was wearing a skirt and heels. To many people short hair = MAN no matter what that "man" actually looks like. Changing the way you dress will not stop people from running with their own misinformed assumptions. And other people's wrong assumptions do not automatically mean that you actually look like a man.
The lesson I took from my experience, and what I'm trying to share here, is this: people are really stupid about gender. Astoundingly stupid. They will think whatever they want about you, and nothing you can do will change that. So if you can't make them (and therefore, your mother) happy, you should at least make yourself happy.
I agree with this. Also, at 16, a lot of boys have delicate features more associated with female faces than male faces. Adult women who are mistaken for male are usually mistaken for male teenagers rather than adult males. Even as adults, some men do not develop brow ridges and square jaws, and some women do have square jaws. Male and female features are not as clearly differentiated as we are led to believe.
It is lovely to meet another woman who has shaved her head. The funny part about it is, when I'm completely bald, I'm more likely to be called ma'am than when I let it grow out a little. Then people get confused and don't use gendered pronouns at all until I start talking. I have had a few kids ask what that man is doing in the women's clothing department, though. But kids don't have a filter on their mouths - I only wish that I could answer them instead of their mother.
I'm often confused for a young teenaged boy when I dress down, and only sometimes when I'm dressed more feminine. I identify as female, and I appear butch only incidentally. I'm big in the middle and have very small breasts comparatively (that tend to disappear when I'm wearing a big t-shirt). When people aren't paying attention, I guess they default to man when they see me, even if I walk with a sway or in heels.
I've been having a lot of problems with it sometimes, since as I said, I only *appear* butch. I like to challenge gender norms a little, but with my lack of hair only. I don't like feeling like I have to wear certain kinds of clothes in order to be seen for what I am. Sometimes I just want to wear a t-shirt, for pete's sake. I have Classic female facial features, and you can see the shape of my bra under my shirt, if you just look, which no one does.
Prof Foxy didn't seem to answer the question that the OP asked and that I share: how do you respond? What is the polite way to correct someone's erroneous assumption? Sometimes just ignoring it and talking in my decidedly female voice makes the difference, but it's still a little awkward.
Oh -great point EmJ. I meant to say that. It doesn't necessarily mean the OP looks masculine at all. I mean - people are idiots.
I want to point out that this is also not just an issue of sexual orientation. I'm a 6 foot tall, skinny and angular hetero woman, what the magazines are always idealizing. But my dress of choice is often jeans and t-shirts and for a while I wore my hair really short - and I only wear makeup to go out, and I often don't remove as much hair as most people think I should (eyebrows, legs, whatev). I am in no way trans identified. I'm not even a rebel or a punk and I don't hate dresses. I'm just low-key.
Yet I got mistaken for a guy pretty frequently - especially by people behind me, using "sir" to ask me to politely step aside or whatever. I would politely correct them, and they were way more embarrassed than I ever was.
I think it's another version of masculine=neutral. It's not that I try to dress like a man. It's just that I *don't* try to dress like a woman. So, the default gender is assigned, because without lipstick, long hair, plucked brows and pumps, how would anyone know I was a female?
I am wondering if this happens to most women. I used to think it only happened to me but apparently not it is a fact of our sexist culture that it’s not likely to happen to men I think because fear of the ramifications. You don’t have to be butch to be treated in this regard and sometimes it’s harmless but sometimes it’s not. It can also be meant as bating so watch out.
I've enjoyed all the stories from women who have been mistaken for men. I'm cis-female, slim-hipped, small breasts, and have worn my hair every length from 1/4 inch buzz to 2 feet long. Right now it's about 1 inch long. I have never been mistaken for male during a short-haired phase even when my clothing consisted of a man's tweed jacket, jeans, and hiking boots. Don't ask me what secret, female signals I give off.
One thing about gender presentation is that it's not just hair and clothing - body language also plays a part. Walking, standing, sitting all have gendered aspects. Most of the women I know who get mistaken for men do not have feminine body language - that is, they don't sway their hips, they don't tilt their heads, they don't smile constantly, etc. I would say they had neutral body language, which in male default society means they get read as male.
From this thread it appears that plenty of women get mistaken for men. However, from some comments here and observation, the opposite (men getting mistaken for women) happens much less often. This appears to be interesting: does it suggest that the characteristics for one to be identified as a woman is far narrower than that for a man (thus reinforcing that man = neutral, woman = woman).
As an aside, I find that Westerners (Caucasians) are often confused in terms of biological sex when it comes to people from my ethnicity (Japanese/Chinese). We’ve often been described as androgynous by Westerners, but those born within the same culture or even others within the same geographical culture seldom make that mistake.
Hi Not-a-Sir,
My girlfriend gets this all the time. She's a tall black woman, with relatively broad shoulders who tends to wear more masculine clothing.
But complicating matters a little, she wears her hair naturally in an Afro and has very large breasts, a small waist and a butt. So her body is extremely "feminine". And although she wears boy clothes, they are always fitted and tailored to her body-- she's against baggy and frumpy in every way. So to me, her gender is pretty damn clear.
She often speculates that is indeed a combination of her race and her clothing choices that make people automatically assume at a glance that she's male. She thinks that people see "black man" and refuse to look a little closer. (Although they wouldn't have to look too much closer-- she really does have big boobs!)
We've been harrassed by people who figure out that she's a woman. It's like they're mad that they were fooled, and mad that the truth is, in fact, that we are gay. It's really annoying.
I don't have too much advice for you, other than to reassure you that you are not alone in this! My girlfriend's response to people who get her gender wrong depends on the way they speak to us-- if someone rudely infers that she's male, she'll snap at them. But if it's an honest mistake, she's quite gracious and low-key about it.
In reading this post, not intending to derail, I had a question. Is there any term you can use to refer to a person you don't know that is commonly accepted and not gender-based? I know online we have "hir" but that doesn't sound any different outloud from "her." The only thing I can come up with is, "Excuse me, you there!" but that doesn't seem any more polite than incorrectly gendering somebody. Any ideas? Should we make one?
And again, Not A Sir, good for you for loving yourself for who you are and not playing into gender stereotypes! Don't "femme up" for anyone but yourself. I look at it this way . . . would you rather your mom feel a twinge of discomfort when someone calls you sir, or for you to feel uncomfortable in your skin/clothes all the time?
Just my two cents.
Wow, this question sounds like it could have been written by me.
I'm also a soft butch lesbian who finds male clothing to be so much more comfortable and fitting with my image. I got my hair cut short for my 16 birthday and after that I've had so many people call me "sir". I wasn't sure how to take it until I read this.
Thank you so much to Not a "Sir" for asking this question and to Professor Foxy for the great advice.
"Them" and "They" can be used as gender neutral and across ethnic lines gender being "socially idealized" is scientifically studied as hard to distinguish.
Sometimes the act of misidentifying is gay bating and harassment...so be careful...
Such a wonderful question, post, and comments! I, too, have dealt with this for years. I have tried a variety of responses. They have been met with a variety of reactions. I wish folks would just leave the pronouns off. To me, "Excuse me" would be just fine. Why is there a need for a gender specification when a person just wants to get by or get another person’s attention?
My favorite experience with this issue took place in a bathroom with two super-young girls. We were all washing our hands. They had no guardian with them in sight. One of the girls turns to me and asks, "Are you a girl or a boy?" I say, "I’m a woman. Why did you think I might be a boy?" She says, "Because you have short hair and a belt." I say with a smile, "Some women have short hair and wear a belt." She nodded and shrugged, "Oh." And that was that.
So when I deal with this now, I try to calm myself by thinking about that honest and humorous explanation... "short hair and a belt."
Thank goodness others are having the same problem I am! In the last 7 years I have become more comfortable chucking the societal requirements of femininity and have come into daily contact with the ensuing confusion. I have very short hair - maybe inch and a half long at the most, dress in jeans and tshirts and thick soled boots most of the time, wear minimal makeup and jewelry, do not own any heels, and rarely wear skirts or dresses. My mannerisms are what could be standard male behavior - neutral face, swaggering walk, speaking and acting confidently and as OP said don't tilt my head, smile constantly, sway the hips. I get called sir quite regularly. Some days I correct, some days I ignore. Every day I find the humour in the fact that when gender is unclear, the default is "man". I should mention that I am single, 41 and a plus size woman with large boobs and a lot of hip so it's not like those two things are hard to miss. And I'm straight but the way I dress and carry myself attracts attention from gay women! I find it all very interesting and confusing as well. One day at the thrift store in my town, a little girl was shopping with her dad in the men's section where I was also shopping for shirts and she says to her dad "I think that's a guy". Then she looks up and says "oh, that's a girl, but she looks like a guy". I thought to myself oh my they are starting younger and younger with the programming, aren't they? It only gets worse in the winter when I wear my black leather biker jacket. Then things get really confusing.