This weekly Saturday column "Ask Professor Foxy" will regularly contain sexually explicit material. This material is likely not safe for work viewing. The title of the column will include the major topic of the post, so please read the topic when deciding whether or not to read the entire column.
Dear Professor Foxy,
I am a sixteen-year-old lesbian with a question about gender expression. I have never been "conventionally feminine". As a child I never wore dresses by choice, enjoyed very physical play and running about outdoors, and was generally known to be a tomboy. I have been out to myself for almost three years now, and am relatively comfortable with my sexuality. As comfortable as I am about anything else at this point in life, at least.
I tend to think of myself as a soft butch. I usually find masculine clothing to be more comfortable for me, physically and in terms of my self-image. A few months ago, after a long period of discussion with my parents, I got my hair cut quite short. Not buzz cut short or even close, but about two inches long all over. Societal problems below aside, I couldn't be happier with it.
However, since this change I have learned something about myself: I apparently have a masculine facial structure. In the past three months, I have been referred to as male or called by male pronouns on at least two dozen different occasions, probably more. And I'll admit, I'm very thrown by this. (I don't think I look male at all, nor does my family, but obviously a few others disagree.) I've never heard this issue discussed by either the feminist or LBGT communities, so I thought you might have an idea on how I should respond to this.
I am wondering what the proper feminist response is when one is referred to as a guy. Am I accepting male/masculine privilege by just allowing people to read me as male? Should I correct strangers when they refer to me by the wrong pronouns, and if so, how do I go about doing that? Right or wrong, I'm not especially offended when it happens. The only reason I'm writing at all is because my mom is upset by it, it does happen quite regularly, and I want to make sure I handle this properly.
Subtle changes in my wardrobe and mannerisms have proved ineffective at resolving this, to my mother's frustration. She thinks that I should either grow my hair back out or wear overtly feminine clothes to ensure people read me as female. Because I like both my clothes and my hair the way they are, would it be selling out to take her advice?
I guess my real question is this: Should I keep ignoring those who get it wrong, "femme up" my appearance, or keep my look the way it is and speak up when I'm misread?
Thanks,
Not a "Sir"
Hello Ma'am -
I am really happy that you are this comfortable with yourself and your gender expression. Unfortunately, you are ahead of the world, which has not caught up yet. Regardless of your facial structure, we live in a society that overwhelmingly codes gender by obvious external traits: haircut and clothing type. I have seen butch and soft butch women with extremely feminine facial features and large breasts regularly referred to as "sir."
You are being true to yourself and this is commendable, but not easy. Nor is it going to go away, but it is a great deal less painful to deal with then putting on an exterior that does not reflect you. The real question is how to deal with both the random strangers and your mother.
If you do not feel the need to correct them, then don't. The proper response is whatever feels best for you. I would also talk to your mother, who seems quite supportive, and tell her that you understand it upsets her, but this is who you are and you both have to learn how to deal with this.
I do not think you are accepting male privilege by allowing people to read you as male, you are just reflecting who you are. When you correct people, you expand their idea of what it means to be a woman. Correcting people should be done when you feel comfortable and safe. Unfortunately, this is just something that you and the people you love will have to deal with so you can be true to yourself.
Best,
Professor Foxy
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As a "soft butch" non-lesbian, I can definitely identify with this. I keep my hair cut to about 4 inches all over my head, and while I don't have large boobs, I DO have a very well defined hourglass figure. I still get people referring to me as "sir" and "he."
This actually happens to be pretty offensive to me, as I have suffered from poly-cystic ovary syndrome for 14 years of my life, with hirsutism as my primary side effect. However, I have gotten to the point where it doesn't really offend me anymore, I just give people pitying smiles and laugh at the irony internally.
If you feel comfortable or "ok" with being referred to as male pronouns, I agree with Prof. Foxy.
It bothers me, however, that people can't see me as a woman because I happen to have short hair and an endocrine disorder that causes me to be hairier than most women. It makes me no less female, and not less subjected to the social obligations that go along with two XX chromosomes.
I can definitely relate to being female but mistaken for male. It really must be the hair thing--I have a medical condition, like alopecia, which means I have very very light hair (think less than a baby). Although I am pretty feminine in my presentation, it doesn't seem to matter...no hair = male to a lot of people.
This used to be insulting when I was younger, because I really wanted to be seen as feminine. Nowadays I tend to let it slide if it's in a situation where it doesn't matter (e.g. someone bumps into me and says, 'excuse me, sir'). If it is in a situation where it does matter, I'll correct them. I actually think it's sort of fun to see people's embarrassed reactions when I correct them or they realize they were wrong...I'm challenging their stereotypes with barely any effort on my part.
Sympathy, sister. I can REALLY empathize with you - being a trans woman, and especially a somewhat butch trans woman, gets me this pretty damn frequently.
You've got two questions I want to address - the first one is about you never hearing about experiences like yours in either feminist or LGB(T) circles. I promise you, though, this dialogue is out there. Perhaps more in trans and gender-variant communities than others, but it IS being talked about, and there ARE people who get what you're going through.
Now, onto your question: "Should I keep ignoring those who get it wrong, "femme up" my appearance, or keep my look the way it is and speak up when I'm misread?"
You should feel free to do what feels right, and to present yourself as who you are in a way that feels right to you. If you want to correct somebody, correct them - if you want to let it slide, let it slide.
Some people will try to hold you up to a stereotypical image of femininity, and if you don't quite match it, they'll be weirded out. Good - broaden a few minds and get people questioning what 'femininity' even means.
So what if you have short hair? So what if you have somewhat 'masculine' facial features? So what if you [insert variant behaviour here]? You are the gender you identify with, and NOBODY can ever take that away from you.
Not a "Sir"--
I feel like I'm accepting male privilege, to a certain extent, when I let people assume I'm male. But, I think of it as I do about being bisexual--I don't have to go around announcing my orientation or educating people about it. Some times I do take the time to explain. I don't think you're betraying the "sisterhood" if you let some blinded idiot rest on their assumptions. But, if you do say some thing to challenge their assumptions, you are doing something positive for all women and men. On the other hand, that's not your job, you're 16!
I like that my gender is ambiguous, and I think its healthy that the mainstream sees people like us who don't conform to stereotypes. I only cave and "feminize" myself for job interviews or unavoidable church-related things. In these cases, I purposefully play to gender-binary, heterosexist standards because my security is on the line. (I know, pretty cowardly) When I go all out and feminize it up, I feel like I'm preparing to go on stage and perform gender. It's such a lie and I really feel that gender performance gets in the way of expressing just little old "me." I hope that you continue to be yourself, but play it smart!
--Genderqueer
I can identify with this, as a chick with really short hair (slightly longer than a crew cut now, but it was even shorter a few months ago). People have mistaken me for a guy on a few occasions, and I never know how to respond. Recently a kid told me I was "freaking him out" because he couldn't tell if was male or female.
I think beyond my short hair, it has to do with a lack of makeup and jewelry, as well. When i first cut my hair off, a lot of people said "oh you should wear huge earrings now to offset your boyish hair!"
On another note, people often tend to assume i'm a lesbian because of my short hair. I'm straight, and it doesn't offend me if someone assumes this, i just find it really interesting. In scotland this summer, i explained to a man that my short hair was about feminism, not necessarily lesbianism, and he couldn't comprehend. People sometimes can't understand why a woman would want short hair if she didn't want to look male.
What I'm trying to say is that you should be happy with your appearance and expression! - and if it would make you happier if people didnt mistake you for a man, you need to decide if that discomfort is worth growing your hair out, or something.