This weekly Saturday column "Ask Professor Foxy" will regularly contain sexually explicit material. This material is likely not safe for work viewing. The title of the column will include the major topic of the post, so please read the topic when deciding whether or not to read the entire column.
Dear Professor Foxy,
I'm currently in a relationship with a man I love dearly, and I have been for nearly 3 years. It's going well, he's marvelous, we get on great. There's just one thing - this is a polyamorous relationship. He also has another girlfriend, who he's been with for a long time. That in itself isn't a problem. I knew about her before I entered into the relationship and I've never had a problem with polyamory, it suits me fine, we take suitable precautions in our sex lives and we're always open and honest with each other about everything. The problem is in explaining this to my parents. My mother noticed that my boyfriend was listed as in a relationship with the other lady on a social networking site, and has the notion that she must be his ex and he just hasn't changed his status. She keeps asking me why he's still listed as being with her, I keep changing the subject but I want to be honest with her. I'm not sure if she's ever come across the concept of polyamory and I really don't know what her reaction will be at all. I want to convey that this relationship is every bit as committed as a monogamous one and just as loving. How do you go about explaining this kind of thing with no knowledge of the response you'll get? What if the response is negative? Please help.
Yours,
Wavering-by-Worcester
Hi Wavering -
Ahhhhh the interwebs and social networking sites slowly taking away our ability to have any degree of privacy. This is a process and I am glad you want to go through it.
My first step would be to talk to your boyfriend and let him know that you are going to have this conversation. This will likely change the way your mother interacts with him and he needs to be prepared for that. It may just be an initial change, but you both need to be ready to deal with this change.
Next I would make a list of all of the questions your parents are going to ask and focus on the ones that will annoy you most. I don't know your parents, so I am just going to put out some possibilities:
Honey, do you think you can't get a man who really loves you?
He is getting his cake and eating it too.
Darling, you know you aren't actually ok with that.
In my day, we just called it cheating.
Then you need to think of calm, rational answers. And keep repeating them. Whenever we come out about something, be it our gender identity, our sexual orientation, or our relationship status, we have had time to process and work through it. Others will need that same sort of time. Keep in mind that if your parents have friends on the same site, they may need to end up explaining this to their friends as well.
Answer their questions with patience. I also caution that words like polyamory may not work for the first conversation. Keep it simple. "Mom, I know you keep asking me about the woman who says she is in a relationship with Jack. They are in a relationship. I've always known about it. Jack and I are serious and committed and we see other people. We are open and honest with each other and this works really well for both of us."
If she denigrates the relationship, I would point out ways that he has been great in the past. When he has been at family functions, when he has helped your family, how happy you are together.
And then, and this may be the most difficult part, let it go. It will take time for your mother to understand and accept this (just ask the majority of queer folks who eventually have accepting parents). Keep answering their questions, but also set boundaries. If either of them are rude to your boyfriend or questions his love for you, you can call a stop to that. Your relationship and partner deserves respect.
This is the last and most important part - prove them wrong by actions. Show them that for all of their preconceived notions of what a "real" relationship is, you and your man are happy and love each other. It takes time, but this will be the greatest convincer of all.
Best,
Professor Foxy
If you have a question for Professor Foxy, send it to ProfessorFoxyATfeministingDOTcom.
0 TrackBacks
Listed below are links to blogs that reference this entry: Ask Professor Foxy: How Do I Tell My Parents About My Poly Relationship?.
TrackBack URL for this entry: http://www.feministing.com/cgi-bin/movabletype/mt-tb.fcgi/15844
I love this site but professor Foxy's advice always baffles me. The idea that a grown person should undergo pretty much a third-degree interrogation on the subject of her sex life is very shocking. It's her sex life, her body, her sexuality. She doesn't need to give long and detailed explanations and justifications to anybody. Do her parents explain their sexual preferences to her in this much edtail as well?
If I were this woman, I would inform my parents about the kind of relationship I'm in. If they tried to argue about it or interrogate me in any way, I would have told them that they are being disrespectful of my boundaries and invasive in an uhealthy way.
The idea that a grown woman needs to render accounts of her sexuality to her elders (and by extension, to society at large) is deeply patriarchal. A woman's body is seen as belonging to her family and not to herself. That's why I'm shocked that such an approach would appear on a feminist website.
I don't really see what someone's parents or mother wanting to ensure their daughter has a safe and happy life/relationship has to do with the patriarchy. You think sons don't have to worry about this stuff?
No matter how equal men/women are there will always be family and friends who care about you. Some of those people will have different views. That's just life and it will never change.
So how do you feel about people coming out as queer to their parents? Does this also count as "render[ing] accounts of [their] sexuality to [their] elders"? Because it's pretty much the same thing - revealing something about yourself that is RELATED to sex, but more importantly A PART OF WHO YOU ARE. There is nothing wrong with keeping such information from your family if you so choose, but their is also nothing wrong with wanting to share it. Since the OP wants to come out as poly to her parents, where did you get the idea that this is an interrogation?
Actually, she doesn't have to answer to her busybody mother at all.
She can just answer a question with a question - and ask her mother just why mom is cyberstalking her boyfriend like that!
This weekly Saturday column "Ask Professor Foxy" will regularly contain sexually explicit material. This material is likely not safe for work viewing. The title of the column will include the major topic of the post, so please read the topic when deciding whether or not to read the entire column.
This has really started to drive me nuts. We are not given a choice about viewing the material b/c the entire column is on the front page. If Feministing is truly concerned about NSFW material appearing on readers' screens, put the column, including the question, below the fold. If Feministing is committed to keeping the question and the answer on the front page, stop pretending that readers' actually have an option to keep it off their screen.
I agree. If it's NSFW, why not put the whole thing (except for the disclaimer paragraph and the title) behind the "read more" link so that people can choose whether or not it displays at all? (This particular column didn't seem at all NSFW, but past columns have been.)
I'm chiming in with this.
Also, having a long winded NSFW warning doesn't help me when the title of the post has sexual words in it. I'm lucky that I work with cool people that don't care about this sort of thing, but not everybody does.
or you could just not read this site at work at all
The whole point of "NSFW" is that some people do have leeway to browse on the internetz during work, but we don't want to be viewing sexually explicit material with the boss over-shoulder...
@ Clarissa: I understand your point of view, but some people -- myself included -- consider our family and their respect to be an important part of our life. Other people don't. It doesn't mean you're giving up power or control, but that your parents and your partner are both important, and you need them to understand each other and each other's roles.
My mother is also one of my best friends. She and my partner are the most important people in my life. I wouldn't let her make decisions for me, but it I am honest and open with her and involve her in my life.
@ FruminousB: I'm not arguing that your point is invalid, but I'm just having a hard time getting it. I mean, when you open the website you can scan the headline and decide whether or not to read it. It's not like there's a nude image up or obscene language or anything. I guess I just don't see how this can be immediately offensive or NSFW unless you had a GIGANTIC monitor.
"I understand your point of view, but some people -- myself included -- consider our family and their respect to be an important part of our life."
-I do, too. But there is no respect when people need to go to such lengths to explain and justify their choices. The examples of the possible questions from parents that Foxy gives ("Honey, do you think you can't get a man who really loves you?
He is getting his cake and eating it too.
Darling, you know you aren't actually ok with that.
In my day, we just called it cheating") are profoundly disrespectful. An only healthy reaction to such intrusive interrogation is to ask the interlocutor to respect your boundaries and butt the hell out of your bed.
But it's not "your bed" so much as "your relationship" -- and I do think wanting to know if one's offspring's relationship is healthy is normal, even ifthe phrasing of the hypothetical questions above is disrespectful.
My parents are of the mind their own business mindset, and it's actually a little problematic for me. If they're thinking something negative about me and the people I love I'd rather them ask a potentially offensive question so we can talk about it and I can explain things- not because I owe them an explanation, but because I want them to understand.
I agree. I find the suggestion that none of us ever question the relationship decisions of others to be ridiculous. We owe the people we love explanations about certain things in life. If they can't respect those explanations, then that's unfortunate, but wanting the explanations in the first place is not wrong.
So, it will be ok for your childrenn to interrogate you about your sex life in the same way? Since there's no disrespect?
I can't understand why you're saying this is about the sex life. It's not. It would not be okay for my daughter to judge what I do in bed, but if, when she is an adult, she wants to know about my sexuality -- like whether or not I sleep with women as well as her father -- then I will tell her.
But that is NOT what we are talking about. We are talking about a RELATIONSHIP. NOT SEX.
And yes, I will understand if my daughter wants to know about who I'm in a committed relationship with and whether or not it is healthy.
1. This isn't about sex, it's about relationships & partners -- people who you consider part of your family.
2. Most people I know do have parents who occasionally say irritating/offensive things. And we probably do the same to them without realizing it. Shutting them out would accomplish nothing.
I'm confused. The Ask Prof Foxy column is not the only front-page part of Feministing that contains sexually explicit material- there are regular references to, for example, sexual assault. Yet I don't see the same amount of hand-wringing about that being NSFW as I do about Prof Foxy. In addition, Prof Foxy columns come out every freakin' weekend. If you have a particular problem with it at work, can't you just not read Feministing at work on Saturdays?
To Clarissa: Are you serious? While I love the idea of no one having to answer to their family in theory, in practice, who the hell can actually do this? Having one's family as social (and often financial, etc) support is critical to pretty much everybody. I'm lucky enough to be a straight woman married to one straight man- a sexual relationship that my entire family knows about, but that I don't have to explain because I happen to be in the social majority. If I happened to be in some other kind of relationship, you bet your ass I'd be looking for ways of explaining it to my family so I wouldn't have to cut them out of my life for not instantly understanding something they may never have come into contact with before. Being a feminist doesn't mean being a superhuman who no longer needs petty things like family support and understanding.
I completely agree. I love my family with all my heart, but that doesn't mean they're perfect. I'm not perfect either. But I want and need them in my life. Sometimes that involves dealing with things from them that I would not otherwise deal with from other people.
And I agree with Prof. Foxy. If it gets to a point where the family is being rude or mean, that's when you stop answering questions and you say enough. You don't have to baby them all the time through this, but in the beginning they'll probably have questions that, from our perspective seem incredibly dumb and insincere, I guarantee the family is thinking these questions really need to be asked and maybe Wavering hasn't really thought about them. In their misguided way they think they're helping.
So, your family pays you for the right to have control of your body?
You're twisting everyone's words, Clarissa. You seem to be suggesting that questioning someone's life choices in any way is an extreme form of disrespect and that any opinion diverging from that = your parents nose into your bedroom and control your life.
That is completing twisting SociologicalMe's words.
I think what they meant was that some people do rely on their families for financial support and they cannot just decide to tell them to fuck off when they ask certain questions.
And that wasn't even the whole point of their post.
Yes, that's exactly what SociologicalMe said. Great job cutting through to the hidden underlying meaning!
That's not the point.
The letter writer has introduced "Jack" to the family before; as long as it remains that Jack will be a part of her life, sexual or otherwise, he is a part of the family's life as well. Parents have a right to know the status of the people they're inviting in to their homes and families.
Imagine if instead of being poly Jack were an abusive boyfriend. Would the mother's concern over the injuries being done to her daughter's body and mind an invasion of privacy by inquiring as to whether Jack were abusive? I don't think any of use here would say that this would be an impermissible interference by the mother.
The mother's concern in both cases is motivated out of the same place. That the mother doesn't understand that poly relationships are, by and large, as healthy as mono relationships is why the mother needs to be educated so that she might understand that a poly relationship isn't like an abusive one.
So, apparently being in a relationship with someone is just all about fucking?
Hot damn! and here I thought it was about love, mutual support, companionship and understanding.
Because the structure of the relationship is that the traditional one for one ratio of a typical relationship isn't there, doesn't mean that this issues is about that sexual fluidity. This is the same thing as "Mom, I just want to let you know that I've started dating someone of the same gender and s/he's great. Do you remember (name)? That's her/him."
It's not about who the hell you're banging or the situations there of; it's about the support and love of your family and how you know they will be supportive and loving, but it's shocking sometimes when the heteronormative bubble is burst.
This is not a bodily autonomy issue. If it was, the column would be about how the writer could be in the relationship in the first place.
clarissa,
i understand poly to be more about building relationships with people - it's more than my sex life, to me. If you have a relationship with someone that you view as serious, intimate and/or long term, you're potentially also going to want your family, friends and others to treat that relationship as valid, real profound and long lasting, not as 'someone you're having sex with', which often gets read by people as 'this person that you're having a bit of a fling with who isn't that important to you... cause if they were, you'd be monogamous with them'.
i have a more difficulty nuanced relationship with my parents than just 'take me as i am or you're being disrespectful!'. polyamory really is a concept that comes out of the blue for them, and is equated with either being slutty (and therefore read as 'bad') or not being 'serious' with anyone. i switch between 'take me as i am!' and 'let's talk about how and why you might feel this way about my being poly' modes as a means of trying to get them talking to me and potentially eventually changing their own minds, rather than having them shut down and avoid the topic. it's a process of trying to meet them where they're at. not always easy, and sometimes so frustrating or heartbreaking, but i keep trying.
i understand your concerns about promoting a view that's patriarchal (the whole need to justify onesself), but it's a functional reality for a lot of people. i want to maintain a relationship with my parents, and wish i could fully go the 'take me as i am' route, but if i want to actually talk about anything WITH them, i need to be open to answering some painful questions. i think it's important to maybe take the middle path here- hang on to one's sense of self, recognize that you have the right to exit or end a conversation if you're too uncomfortable, but also be open to probing questions that might require some justification.
NSFW? I don't get it. There are articles on the main page all the time talking about dildos and sex shop reviews, pictures of bikini clad women, what have you, but this article every week is what has people up in arms? It's not like there are ever any huge pictures accompanying this post. The only thing I could ever see a passerby at work seeing is the thread title (and yes, sometimes that includes a NSFW word) but then the rest is just text. Plain text. What is the problem?
People aren't "up in arms," we're just concerned about the warning. It's necessary, just like trigger warnings on other posts. Sure, it's just text, but that doesn't mean it's not sexually explicit.
NSFW doesn't imply judgment; it just warns people that they should be careful viewing this stuff on public or work computers. That's a perfectly reasonable warning.
It just needs to be better executed.
But the thing is it's just plain text. The only thing that's big and in bold is the title, which would still be on the front page. I don't understand why people are so worried about this when other posts have pictures that some jobs could consider inappropriate right there on the front page. How would anyone see that it's NSFW unless they're sitting at your desk directly looking at your computer reading the small plain text? When does this happen?
Hey everyone -
I hear you about the NSFW tag we use. It is not perfect and at times incongruous that we it on this column and not in other feministing posts. However, that is not the point of this column, so let's try and keep it on topic with the polyamory conversation. Feel free to write into the editors with other suggestions.
Regarding the relationship v. sex as it applies to polyamory relationships, Wavering is asking about her relationship not her sex life. My hypothetical questions also focused on that, not on "do you have threesomes?" While this question involves a man and a woman, queer folks have to come out to their parents and family about their relationships constantly. As SociologicalMe points out, not having to do so is a luxury of those in most heterosexual relationships. Queer people who want to have their family of birth in their life rarely have such luxury.
Thanks,
Professor Foxy
The LGBT advisor at my college had some advice that she sometimes gave to people trying to figure out how to come out of the closet to their parents:
Present the situation as you would have people respond to it.
In other words, if you are telling your parents you are gay, present it as the most awesome news ever (if you can). Say: Guess what! I'm happy! I have a wonderful partner! I know who I am now! Aren't you happy for me?! This is great!
If your parents are inclined to be ambivalent or are only slightly homophobic, they might be coaxed into going along with way that you have framed it: "Congratulations, dear...? Um. That's great, honey."
Social situations are tricky and when people are surprised or out of their element, they often follow the path of least resistance. The path of least resistance is generally to agree and to be positive and polite, and you can use that to your advantage.
In contrast, if you approach the situation as if it is a terrible painful truth that you are ashamed to be admitting, they might be more likely to criticize you or try and talk you out of it. They're also more likely to be hard on themselves as having failed you. The last thing you want to do is frame your coming-out as a negative thing.
Now obviously this doesn't work for everybody. I have a friend who is a lesbian whose father is violently homophobic and obviously if she did have to tell him for some reason, she would do so bluntly with a post card from another state.
However, I think it is a strategy that works in a variety of situations whenever you're presenting difficult news and trying to gain acceptance. In this case, I would suggest that you frame the polyamory as "not a big deal." Try and be casual about telling them, and do the best you can to avoid using hedging or negative language.
P. Foxy's attitude to sex is that female pleasure should always take second (third, fourth, etc.) place to such all important things as commitment, emotions, husband, marriage, parents, male egos, and now even the parents' circle of friends.
I listed the most obvious examples of that here:
http://clarissasbox.blogspot.com/2009/09/feminist-approach-to-sexuality.html
I didn't notice any helpful suggestions on how to talk to her family about polyamory, which is what she wants to do.
This post has absolutely nothing to do with sex! Why do you keep bringing this up?
This comment about female sexual pleasure is entirely irrelevant to the OP's question at hand. This assumption that female pleasure should be more important than emotions, commitment, friends, etc is selfish and, quite frankly, sexist! Would anyone ever say that a man's sexuality should take priority over those things? We would live in a much more dangerous world if that were the case.
I think one of the anonymous postings on your blog you linked to says it best. He or she wrote:
Just wondering - why is it that female sexuality SHOULD trump absolutely everything else (commitments, emotions, the self-worth that partners feel)? Did I miss something?
The assumption that sexuality should trump everything else is a rather dangerous one, I think. When the shoe's on the other foot, that assumption could justify an awful lot of things I think we'd rather avoid.
Do you honestly place your personal, individual pursuit of physical pleasure above your friends, your social commitments and your emotions?
Those last two paragraphs were also meant to be italicized, as they were part of that poster's comment, too.
Thanks for trolling, please try again when you have something constructive to say.
I wish all parents were the same and the response of all parents was standard across the board. But that's not how it works.
Some parents are understanding immediately. Some parents will never fully understand but will at least reach some degree of acceptance with time. Some will go resolutely into denial and insist upon a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. Some will be forever firmly against anything other than strict monogamy and never allow themselves to condone it.
These responses have little to do with the person in a polyamorous relationship, and nearly everything to do with the people passing judgment. And no matter what happens, expecting instant acceptance might be an unfair assumption, because while a poly person has had years of coming to terms with a non-monogamous relationship, the parents of said poly person have not. With time, the parents will probably come around (most do) and at that point the dialogue can begin, but I have noticed that it's rarely an instantaneous thing.
I wish the conversation with my mother about my poly relationships had gone well. Unfortunately, my sister was the one to spill the beans about it and the two of them discussed their "concerns" at length. Up until that time, I didn't really see the point in coming out to my mom because, well, information is ammunition where my mom is concerned.
I got all the questions and commentary that Prof. Foxy listed and then some. My one partner of 9 years got the cold shoulder for months and when my other girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me last Monday, I was treated to an "I told you so." Some people simply aren't going to understand or even try to mind their own business, so I try to live my life with as little concern for the judgements of others as possible. (It just sucks that family isn't always what you'd like them to be.)
There were times in my life when being "poly" was natural for me, but FOR ME, it was never healthy, so yes, if one of my sons came to me with this, I'd have concerns. My advice would be to allow your mother to express any discomfort she might feel (her reasons might surprise you), and if she cannot get past her discomfort, to ask her if she can, at least, show you loving support, if not acceptance.
If you live your life like this for a long time AFTER she is aware(and you have but it's new to her, so let this be day one for her), AND you seem healthy and happy, she will most likely adjust. A parent's love should be, and I suspect in this case, is (since you WANT to talk to her) -UNCONDITIONAL. So, be patient with her and give her time to see how well this works for you after you talk. Good luck.
There were times in my life when being "poly" was natural for me, but FOR ME, it was never healthy, so yes, if one of my sons came to me with this, I'd have concerns. My advice would be to allow your mother to express any discomfort she might feel (her reasons might surprise you), and if she cannot get past her discomfort, to ask her if she can, at least, show you loving support, if not acceptance.
If you live your life like this for a long time AFTER she is aware(and you have but it's new to her, so let this be day one for her), AND you seem healthy and happy, she will most likely adjust. A parent's love should be, and I suspect in this case, is (since you WANT to talk to her) -UNCONDITIONAL. So, be patient with her and give her time to see how well this works for you after you talk. Good luck.
I completely sympathise with the OP. I've never been able to tell my parents that I like girls as well as guys, but I'm in a very privileged position at the moment in that I'm in a heterosexual, long-term, monogamous relationship - the only type they understand.
I think the question of what type of relationship you are in is different from what type of sex you're having. I can tell my parents that I'm in a relationship with my partner, but I'm not going to say what our favourite position is, or even tell them whether or not we're having sex.
The same goes for telling your parents that you are in a poly relationship. This isn't about sex, this is about trust, commitment and relationships. It's unfortunate that so many people still don't understand that poly != uncommitted. I hope the OP can explain this to her mother with minimal stress.
Great advice Prof.!
I agree with Clarissa. Why SHOULD the OP have to justify herself to her parents, or anyone?
As a straight non-poly woman, I am fortunate enough to avoid crap on that score, but my mum is constantly asking WHY I am not married yet (at the ancient age of 28), do I have a boyfriend, and so on. I don't want a serious relationship right now, which doesn't mean ever. I also get grief about my appearance (why can't I have looong 'feminine' hair and lose weight, eugh) and career choice, apart from other things. Parents do not have the right to control adult children. Guidance or advice (if asked for) is one thing, but it can easily slip into control and no adult should control another. Family love should also be unconditional, and a lot of parents implicity use the threat - I won't love you any more, I won't speak to you, will cut off contact and so on - to control their adult offspring.
And I don't think anyone adult should rely on financial help from their parents. OP didn't say she does, or that they are abusive or anything else indicating consequences to coming out other than their disapproval.
I can understand people want their parents' approval, but part of growing up is to move on from that.
As for female sexuality - the point is that female sexuality has been ignored or demonised, whereas male sexuality has been priveleged or at least, accepted (boys will be boys). So it's not the same. I do agree with Clarissa about faking orgasm. Not that I think female sexual pleasure should trump everything else, but that it should matter somewhat along with those things.
If either partner has to fake orgasm, something is wrong in the relationship, surely. They should just be able to ask for what they want, or say 'it's not going to happen right now' (with an offer to do something for the other partner if they feel like it, or to resume later, or...if appropriate) and not feel bad. A lot of men have this thing of Making the Woman Come as Proof of Being Good in Bed and Manly Men etc., and it is a load of crap. It should not BE about the other partner's ego, but about mutual pleasure.
I don't think it's about "justifying" your relationship. that makes it sound like you yourself are not ok. It's not justification, it's notification. and i know poly men - it's not any easier for them. they're a cad or their girlfriend is running around on them. this isn't about people oppressing women per se. it's about how to tell someone very important to you something they may not want to hear but that you feel you need to tell them.
Maybe i'm unusual. i have a close, good relationship with my parents. my mom makes suggestions. if i don't like them, i just ignore them.
i thought i was in a not unusual financial situation. i live in my parents' basement, currently rent-free, because after several months of job searching, i still have nothing in my field - and they told me NOT to take a job in another field, even when i said i wanted to, at least not right now. it's great to say that no adult should rely on their parents, but i think that only works if you qualify "adult" as old enough to have found a job or three to support yourself and have paid off your school debt and be really stable. By that definition, i think that's at least age 25 or 26 for a lot of people. is it also not okay to help your parents in their retirement? (end tangent)
Although I think the point of the post was that the OP *wanted* to come out to her parents as poly and that Prof. Foxy's advice was pretty much correct, I think Clarissa has some good points and I can see where she's coming from.
As for the "The parents just want to know the daughter is in a healthy relationship" arguments... I think there's a difference between knowing the people your daughter hangs out with (and knowing who to call if she goes missing/gets into trouble), and trying to assess the relationship dynamic she has chosen for herself/giving unsolicited opinions of partners on whether they are "safe" or "healthy".
My parents don't get to tell me what they think of my partners. I have chosen them, I have assessed if I think they are "good people" or "healthy people." If there is no sign of abuse or other red flags I see no reason they should get to give unsolicited opinions on partners.
I am poly, so I agree with Clarissa on this, if my parents told me "You aren't really okay with this", told me it was cheating, or other offensive things, I WOULD just tell them to fuck off. The relationship dynamic I choose is not up for their validation.
Personally, if I ever decided I wanted to let my parents know I was poly, I wouldn't have the big sit-down outing talk that Prof Foxy seems to be suggesting here. I'd let it slip casually. "Oh, he's still listed as dating her on Facebook because he's dating me and her at the same time..."
If they have issues with that, offer resources, explain how your dynamic works, but remember that you chose the dynamic and you're choosing to share that information with them, but you're not seeking their interference or validation of your dynamic. You and your partners are the only ones who need to seek each other's validation.
Just my two cents...but it's still early in the morning for me and I could be waaaay off base...I need some coffee...
I'm maybe out of my depth here but I find the "unsolicited opinions are not welcome" vibe quite strange here. I may not be a woman but I'm a practising Christian with family and most of my friends who don't share my faith have often shared their opinions on my fiancee and my decision to abstain from sex before marriage. Their don't change my mind and never will but I still value the input of my friends and family on pretty much every area of my life. If I don't like what they have to say I just ignore it or explain that it's my decision.
Also, I'm not very poly-savvy but I was interested in why, if the guy is polyamorous and the partners have equal weighting in his mind, does he only have one of them marked as his partner on a social networking site?
Please excuse any offence, I'm pretty new to this site and the feminist community so I may well have said something stupid and I apologise if so.
Hi Mike. I'm in a similar boat as the OP (I think the advice given by Prof. F. was rather sensible!) in that my partner still lists their first partner on Facebook - the reason is that the site, like many, gives the option of saying that you're in an 'open' relationship but doesn't give the option to list more than one partner. It's an extremely frustrating feature.
@Gweem
There's a great group on Facebook called "For a queer positive facebook...." that addresses Facebook's non-poly friendliness and gender/sex issues. Groups on Facebook usually accomplish very little, but I think it'd be great if Facebook could see how many people support changes to how they handle gender and relationships.
@mikearthur.co.uk
I think there's a huge difference between giving input, and giving criticisms like Prof. Foxy described. "Darling, you know you aren't actually ok with that" isn't based on ignorance of polyamory, it's just condescending and dismissive of the choices your daughter makes.
Poly people usually have done quite a lot of research, they've made up their minds, and they are no longer interested in hearing how they should break up with one partner or how they really aren't happy with the situation. I think that's where the "unsolicited opinions aren't welcome" vibe is coming from.
I can understand some confusion and questioning from parents at first, and I would be tolerant as I could of that. I love my partners. I love my parents. I'm not going to hear my parents criticize my partners as "not healthy" because of our dynamic, and I wouldn't allow my partners to do the same to my parents.