This weekly Saturday column "Ask Professor Foxy" will regularly contain sexually explicit material. This material is likely not safe for work viewing. The title of the column will include the major topic of the post, so please read the topic when deciding whether or not to read the entire column.
Hi Professor Foxy,
I came out of a 5 year relationship at the beginning of the year, he is the only man I've ever had sexual intercourse with. I'm currently enjoying myself being a free agent - being able to explore my sexuality, pursuing women and men and all types of relationships (not just monogamy).
Despite having quite a lot of opportunities I've not had sexual intercourse with anyone else yet. I caught genital warts/HPV from my first partner, so the big barrier for me in having sex with anyone else is in telling prospective partners and also the big fear of catching something else because of my bad luck with my first sexual partner.
At the clinic they advised me to tell every partner before I sleep with them and to go to the clinic with them if they were worried about catching it, but how does this work in real life? My friends tell me I shouldn't worry about telling someone at the beginning of a relationship if we're using protection (which of course I will), but I know HPV can be passed on through skin to skin contact. I want to be responsible and tell every partner but I really need help in how to broach that subject - especially at the beginning of a casual relationship or in a one night stand.
In my head this has become such a big thing, I feel almost like a leper. I know HPV isn't really a big thing, it's the common cold of STIs but what's the best way of discussing this in the 'heat of the moment'? I know so much about HPV, how do I give someone the information they need - that a large percentage of sexually active people have it, it's linked to cervical and penile cancer, without completely frightening someone to death? I feel like my sex life is on hold while I try to deal with this - despite wanting to go further than kissing and cuddling with partners I can't because I'm scared of being rejected.
On top of this I have a history of OCD and anxiety, so it feels like I take this issue much more seriously than others!
Some practical advice in what to say to partners and how to handle asking questions about others' sexual health would be great!
Thank you,
Worry Wart
Hello Worry Wart -
You clearly know a lot about HPV, but I am going to take a moment to do some background for those who are not familiar with it. First, HPV is the common cold of sexually transmitted infections (STIs). If you are sexually active (anything involving genital contact), you've likely had it. However, just like the common cold, there are many strains of HPV with the majority passing through and out of a person's body before they even know they've had it.
There are some strains that cause genital warts and then others that cause cervical/penile cancers (and increasing evidence shows they also can lead to head and neck cancers). Just to be perfectly clear, these are different strains that cause cancer or cause genital warts. The kind you have causes warts, not cancer. People can have both, but your healthcare provider should have checked.
I appreciate your desire to tell your sexual partners. I agree that you do not have to tell people you are just kissing or possibly thinking about hooking up with about your status. It is not their business and they are not at risk of catching anything.
When you are at the place of considering oral, anal, vaginal penetration, you should tell them. You don't have to give them every single bad outcome, but something to the extent of "before we go any further, you should know I have HPV. The kind that causes genital warts. I checked before we started hooking up and I don't have any visible warts, but I want you to know." Then wait; the next step is up to them. If they are comfortable asking questions, answer them honestly. Respect their decision on what to do next. But, and this is a huge but, they do not have the right to make you feel dirty. People with STIs are not dirty. They are simply people who have an STI. If your potential partner reacts negatively, you learned early this is not someone you want to be active with.
Now people with vaginas can have warts in non-visible places, but a visual scan is important to see any that you can.
I also hear your concern about catching something else. You take a risk when you do any kind of fluid exchange with another person. Oral, anal, vaginal - whatever your pleasure - you take a risk. Using latex barriers helps to lower that risk. I also always recommend doing a scan of your partner's genitals. This sounds very cold and awkward, but before putting your mouth or anything else on another's genitals something kiss the stomach while you look. In life, most things have risks, it is deciding when the gain (be it pleasure, desire, intimacy) outweighs the risks.
Best,
Professor Foxy
If you have a question for Professor Foxy, send it to ProfessorFoxyATfeministingDOTcom.
0 TrackBacks
Listed below are links to blogs that reference this entry: Ask Professor Foxy: How Can I Be Sexually Active with HPV?.
TrackBack URL for this entry: http://www.feministing.com/cgi-bin/movabletype/mt-tb.fcgi/15633
You absolutely must tell your prospective partners when it seems that any sort of contact that would transmit the disease seems imminent. Not to do so, for the sake of having a "normal" sex life would be irresponsible and reprehensible. You may have to deal with more rejection than you are used to, and it may be awkward and mood-killing to bring it up, but that's just tough shit. Certainly you must wish that you had been warned about your contraction risk and would want your new partners to be open about any infections they might have.
"You may have to deal with more rejection than you are used to, and it may be awkward and mood-killing to bring it up, but that's just tough shit"
Wow. Talk about insensitive here. I don't think there was any question on whether to tell prospective partners .. Just on HOW to broach the subject. I don't think this poster wrote in to professor foxy to be told what is or is not "reprehensible". Prof. Foxy gave some good advice here, so I don't really think what you said was all that necessary.
Sorry, I'm really not trying to be a bitch but your comment just struck a cord with me.
This was the question in the post
"Some practical advice in what to say to partners and how to handle asking questions about others' sexual health would be great!"
She was not asking whether to inform her future sexual partners or not, just how to inform them. The comments section should be used to add or comment on the information that Prof.Foxy gave, not judge the asker!
I'm sorry if what I said seemed harsh. I guess I just latched onto the line "how does that work in real life?" and saw that it could be interpreted as "Is telling every sexual partner actually realistic for a normal sex life?" There were more than one question in the post.
Read the OP again, it is more clear to me that she wants to share with her partners. Still, I don't think it's "judging" to reinforce the notion that not telling sexual partners because of fear of rejection or social awkwardness is a really asshole-ish thing to do.
But, in lieu of telling me that my comment was inappropriate (I don't think it was), make your own comments. If you think I'm not answering the question posed by the OP, why help in "de-railing" by responding to me?
Yeah, kind of like how it was "tough shit" that she contracted it from a five-year committed relationship in the first place.
First off, don't feel like a leper!
Here's my advice:
1. Depending on your age, or specifically the age of folks you might hook up with, I would say you should assess how informed they're going to be. It wouldn't hurt to have some info ready (Planned Parenthood explanation, website, pamphlet) so that you can give them information from a reliable, third-party source. If you're explaining answers and the other person is unsure of the whole situation, it may feel like you're trying to "sell" them on the safeness. Further, they could feel like, in addition to choosing how the feel about sex, they now have to decide 1) how much they trust the information you give and 2) how to talk to you about the information without being offensive. That doesn't mean everyone will suspect you of trying to persuade them into sex, but that people might feel more secure with third-part info.
2. The type of info and how you approach the situation might depend a little bit on the sex of your partners (and subsequently what acts you'll be doing with them). If you plan to be with women, oral sex might require a different exchange with some partners than, say, sex play with toys. And you might want to be prepared to explain to any partner (or have some info handy to do the job) how HPV affects men and women differently.
3. I think the approach would matter a lot. I know it is going to be awkward/difficult to broach the subject with some people, but I would say that the way you approach the topic will affect the way they receive the information a lot. If you're incredibly nervous and approach the conversation with a grim face and a I-have-to-talk-to-you-about-something-serious preface, it could set the mood for gloom and doom. They'll know it's an adult, serious discussion; you don't have to add that. But this isn't a terrible, end-all discussion, so just try to make sure you don't present it that way. Be comfortable with yourself and unashamed, in short.
Because you say you have anxiety (which I do as well), I would also say that you have to make decisions when this starts cycling through your head. Shut it down -- don't let it tumble over and over. Make a decisions about how you feel and focus on that. Accept that this is normal, and approach situations with new partners based on that.
This is a great topic. I agree that HPV is the common cold of STIs. There's a great book by Dr Adina Nack called Damaged Goods? Women Living with Incurable STDs that I thought was really cool on this topic.
The number one thing is to always have safer sex supplies on hand. Gloves, dams, condoms. And broaching it in a fun, not dead serious way. "Let's have a little talk because I'd love for this to head more serious" or "more fun" or something. I've found it's better to not assume you're the only person in the situation with the "problem". After that, ask when they were tested, etc. And follow that with, "I was tested (fill in the blank). I do know I have HPV, but I have no visible warts currently."
That approach has always worked for me. And anyone who is too freaked out or wants to shame me doesn't deserve the pleasure of my intimacy. And chances are, they are uneducated about sexual health and I don't want that risk for myself.
Professor Foxy, isn't it misleading to say that HPV can "pass through and out of a person's body?" As far as I understand it, an individual outbreak of HPV may subside, and the symptoms will tend to lessen with time, but the virus stays with you.
According to the research I've read, condoms don't typically prevent transmission. From Wikipedia (not that it's a failproof source) --
"HPV will probably remain in the infected person's cells for an indefinite time—most often in a latent state, but occasionally producing symptoms or disease."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hpv
According to the CDC, the human immune system can clear itself of most types of hpv over time, but this is not always the case and it is impossible to tell without testing. From the CDC website, "HPV usually goes away on its own, without causing health problems. So an HPV infection that is found today will most likely not be there a year or two from now." http://www.cdc.gov/STD/HPV/STDFact-HPV.htm#treatment
This matches what I have heard from other doctors and medical professionals. Unlike the herpes virus, most forms hpv can be cleared from your system by your immune system (same as will more common viruses like the flu or cold).
I initially thought both of these things, but mahjani is right. Some people harbor HPV in a latent form, but others can indeed "fight off" the virus completely, like you would fight off a cold, and I think in some cases it even creates antibioties to the particular strain. There are many strains.
I also thought condoms were less effective at preventing the spread of HPV, but nurses at Planned Parenthood said a condom's actually about as effective at preventing HPV as other diseases (I suppose they're taking into consideration the failure rate, which leaves condom effectiveness at something like 70 percent). However, like Professor Foxy said, it can be spread by skin-to-skin contact, and of course a condom only covers so much.
Professor Foxy, isn't it misleading to say that HPV can "pass through and out of a person's body?" As far as I understand it, an individual outbreak of HPV may subside, and the symptoms will tend to lessen with time, but the virus stays with you.
According to the research I've read, condoms don't typically prevent transmission. From Wikipedia (not that it's a failproof source) --
"HPV will probably remain in the infected person's cells for an indefinite time—most often in a latent state, but occasionally producing symptoms or disease."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hpv
Dear OP -
I have HPV and HSV, more commonly known as genital herpes. I caught both of them when I was fourteen years old and have had to navigate long-term, short-term, and space-of-a-night term relationships with both diseases. As a girl who spent pretty much the entirety of her hormone-fueled adolescence feeling like a sexual leper, I can sympathize.
That being said, I have always been honest with every partner before hooking up, be they male or female, casual or serious and I have never, ever, EVER been rejected on that basis. Not even once. Responses have ranged from "uh, okay, your place or mine?" to "that's sweet of you to tell me but so long as we use protection I don't care" to (my personal favorite) "Jesus, Gracie, shut up, everyone has herpes these days." My best friend also has HSV, and the only time she has ever been made to feel bad or unwanted about it was, frankly, during a brief relationship with a misogynist asshole who she relegated to the "mistake" bin pretty quickly afterwards. Our inside joke is that HSV and HPV are built-in douchebag detecters :)
I'm not sharing this because I want to brag, but because I know how you feel - when I first learned I had contracted those two diseases I thought that no one would ever want to touch me again, outside of maybe some understanding guy or girl whom I would eventually have to marry and be beholden to for the rest of my life for taking on such a risk. I was a teenager, and wanted the passionate, casual romance that I saw on television, dammit. While I received a lot of good advice from my doctor (tell your partners, get checked out, use protection) what I really wanted to know, embarassingly enough, is whether or not I was barred from one-night-stands and casual, sexual playfulness. The truth is, I wasn't. And neither should you be.
That being said, I'm pretty sure the reason I haven't been rejected on the basis of having HSV or HPV (apart from being lucky enough not to be blindsided by some asshole who doesn't care about me anyways) is due to my being honest, casual, and learned about my diseases. Say it up front, crack a joke or two if you feel like it, and let them know that YOU KNOW what's up with HPV and their chances of catching it. If this person is actually into you (sexually or emotionally) and KNOWS that you are aware of yourself and your body enough to protect the both of you, they probably won't give a shit. This sounds strange, but there are more people than we think walking around feeling as though they are about to be taken advantage of or exploited - one of the other things I hear a lot is how grateful my partner is that I care enough about their safety to put my own comfort aside. People appreciate it, no matter how scary it is to say so.
I can't imagine how hard this must be for you with OCD and anxiety on top of everything society wants to heap on you for the supposed sin of catching an STI. I don't know if this helps, but if ever you feel down, just remember: HPV is a nuisance, but not damning. You are not dirty, you are not somehow "damaged", and you have nothing to be ashamed about. 99% of the time it really is all in your head :)
Thanks so much for posting on this. I recently found that I have a high-risk type of HPV (in spite of having a vaccine two years ago, I've already had an abnormal PAP smear) and it's sort of scaring the shit out of me. It's destroyed my sex drive and, though I know it shouldn't, is making me start to resent men, probably because I know that they're spreading it around but it will rarely affect them; they're not going to be told at some point in their young life, like I was, that, sorry, their cervical cells are mutating, they may at some point have to have some burned or scraped off, and if they can't afford it, it'll develop into cervical cancer. If I wasn't currently on a free state family planning program, I wouldn't be able to afford the colposcopy I'm having next month - I'd have to ask my parents for the money.
I do some online dating and, after this experience, seeing men advertise themselves as "D/D free" online has been driving me up the fucking wall. Men aren't regularly tested for HPV because they have no indicators like an abnormal PAP. In any case, I don't know how the fuck I'm going to tell somebody that I could give them something that could give their future girlfriend/wife fucking cervical cancer.
Sorry. I know the HPV doesn't make me a leper - I wouldn't allow my partners to speak to me like it did - and I know women can and do have healthy sex lives even with more serious STIs than this one, but the whole abnormal PAP situation has been really difficult for me to deal with as an otherwise fairly healthy person.
Sorry to hear you're having a rough time with this =( I was diagnosed with HPV (the strains that cause cancer) when I was about 19. Two colposcopies (yes 2) and many headaches later, my paps have been normal for about 2-3 years now. I am hoping that is it for me, but of course it still scares me to think that something can pop up again. If you need to vent or advice, send me your email (or I can send u mine). Sending good happy vibes for future negative paps your way...
Oh, I wish we could exchange e-mails, but I'm not sure how. I wish there was a way here without just posting them on the thread.
I had a higher risk case of HPV as well. I had numerous abnormal PAPS and had to have a colposcopy and a LEAP procedure. Since the procedure all of my PAPS have been normal and I have had no issues (I had my LEAP at 22 and I'm 27 now). Not to tell you not to worry because it is definitley something to be concerned with but have hope because there is a very good chance that you will come out of it just fine. Lots of smiley faces to you.
Just wanted to give my support. I just got treated a month ago for cervical cancer. I am not even 25. Since then, my anxiety problems have gotten so bad that I have full blown panic attacks..had one last night at a bar. It was horribly embarrassing for me.
I wasn't trying to make this about me, I just wanted to let you know there are a lot of us who have HPV (there are MANY different strains. My strain is the one that caused cancer). I read that 75% of sexually active people have HPV, so don't feel like a leper!
I also wanted to remind the ladies on this site to get screened!
I know HPV isn't really a big thing
I'm not comfortable with this statement. For many people, warts are painful, and the removal is pretty painful, too. Prof. Foxy's response would be stronger if she had brought this up.
Thank you for mentioning this, Frumious. A lot of people forget that it isn't always just 'oh here rub this cream on there and you're good to go.'
Too much information alert -
I contracted HPV after a long-term partner cheated on me and brought it back as a birthday present. Unlike most people's outbreaks, mine was inside my urethra. In that situation, they burn them out with a laser. Not fun. Twice.
So yes, I'm in total agreement, HPV certainly deserves more attention and more concern than most people give it.
Regardless, thank you to the OP for posing this question. I feel much the same as you, to the extent that I have not had another sexual partner since. Sooner or later I'll get around to it but right now just the prospect of having to bring it up makes the whole thing seem not worth it to me. Seeing everyone else's stories on here is heartening; as always, this community rocks.
So what happens then if you had an abnormal pap, get it checked out, it's some sort of HPV strain, but then year later, your doctors say you're OK again & all your paps are normal again?
Some people do fight it off, right?
So what if you you haven't had an abnormal pap in 10 years. Do you say, 10 years ago, I had an abnormal pap/hpv to your new partners? I'm not trying to be an asshole. I'm just curious if there's ever an expiration date.
I know chlamydia is way different than HPV, but let's say you had chlamydia in your late teens. In your mid to late 20s, do you still have to disclose that?
I actually have a friend who is dealing with a similar problem - she wasn't sure if she had a genital HSV-1 or HSV-2 outbreak (without going into a giant medical summary, you can get a genital HSV-1 outbreak once and practically never pass it on, or you can catch HSV-2, what is commonly known as genital herpes, and you will have the outbreaks your whole life). Her one and only outbreak happened three years ago, and she's almost positive it was HSV-1 and therefore non-contagious through intercourse.
I can pass on what she's doing - essentially telling her partners straight up that she had a weird outbreak three years ago and hasn't seen a sign of it since. Works for her. I imagine that after a period of ten years with normal paps every year the danger is pretty much gone, but I can assure you that it's better to disclose in the interests of honesty and safety and, what's more, your peace of mind. My friend with the HSV-1 outbreak hooked up with a guy that she didn't mention it to and spent the next year worrying that he was going to show up on her doorstep with her STI. Not fun.
Well, chlamydia is a totally different type of pathogen. It's bacterial. It gets eliminated using antibiotics. So I don't see why you'd have to tell someone about it ten years later. Not at all.
A virus, however, like HPV/HSV, isn't so predictable. It often can't be entirely eliminated and you can never know for sure if or when your body has fought it off. Thus the need to tell your partner.
Question. While no one has out right said this, the general attitude I seem to get from the comments is 'only a jerk would reject you.' Now to be clear, if someone tried to shame you or tried to make you feel dirty they are obviously a grade A asshole. My question is about the people who turn you down because they don't want to risk catching something, but they do it nicely. I haven't seen any of the comments differentiate between that and the jerks and it bothers me. What does everyone else think?
If I knew I loved a partner who disclosed herpes, I wouldn't care. If I didn't know him from Adam, I would.
It probably has something to do with the fact that I have a mental illness, which is horribly stigmatized. I kind of feel like I'll never be in a relationship again (I've read that 50% of people wouldn't marry someone with bipolar disorder) as it is. I fear that contracting another stigmatized illness on top of the one I already have will make it even harder for me to find another partner if I had to break up with the person I contracted it from shortly thereafter.
On the other hand, I know from personal experience that having a stigmatized medical condition says jack shit about a person's inherent worth or value as a partner or human being. I know this intellectually, but emotionally it's different - there's just a wall of anxiety (much like the letter writer has) that pops up when I think of having to tell a potential partner about my mental illness. I have this fear that I'll die from nervousness if I have to disclose more than one 'touchy' condition.
I know it makes me a HUGE hypocrite to even pause to consider rejecting someone with herpes, since I've been rejected for my condition. So maybe I am an asshole.