I was inspired by Miriam's great Personal Is Political post, Is that a boy or a girl?, to share some of my experiences of getting to watch others deal with gender through my body. I've talked before about my experience of street harassment as a trans person. This happens so often I barely notice anymore - friends I'm walking with will point out something I totally tuned out. But some street gender moments stand out as giving me a revealing glimpse of other people's gender process. In this post I want to talk about two recent experiences that have stuck in my mind.
I'm a clinic escort at the local Planned Parenthood. Sharing a sidewalk with antis who pray at and harass anyone trying to enter or leave the clinic is easily the most surreal experience of my life. My second week escorting was particularly odd for me personally. Dick, our main anti, had tried without success to engage me and another new escort in conversation the week before (a standard tactic to try to find escort's weak points so antis can get us riled up). I was a bit more femme presenting my second time escorting, and I guess Dick didn't recognize me. I was a little bit late and other escorts were already out on the sidewalk wearing big orange A shirts that say "Pro-Choice Clinic Escort." as I walked toward the path to the clinic I could see Dick eyeing me, confused (usually he jumps at the chance to preach at someone as soon as he sees them walking toward the clinic). I could see the internal debate raging as I turned the corner and started heading for the door. Finally, a few steps down the path, Dick jumps into action, running after me and shouting about how I don't have to let them take my baby, how I have other options. I responded with a simple, "I'm an escort Dick," and went inside.
It's a few weeks later and I'm still reeling from what I got to witness there. I got to watch a Catholic fundamentalist ant-choicer (and the most overtly racist person I have ever encountered in real life, but that's another post) have a gender moment! Dick's decision to pursue me as a potential womb-haver was particularly interesting. Male is usually the default assumption when we are confused about someone's gender. Dick's reaction shows a shift of assumptions in a situation where he is targeting women and trying to antagonize as many as possible. Better to be wrong and assume I'm with child than be wrong and assume I'm not.
Story number two:
I was walking toward the Metro (D.C. public transportation) escalators on my way to work, past a guy standing there eating a bag of chips. As I passed him the guy said, "Hey, how you doing." Apparently too tired to recognize an obvious cat call I responded, "Good, how are you?" I guess my morning voice threw him off. "Wait, I thought you were a girl, ma'am." I thought for a second that maybe he'd said "man," but no, definitely "ma'am." As I headed down the escalator he shouted after me: "What are you ma'am? Hey, I'm talking to you ma'am!"
I suppose I could take the guy's words literally. Maybe he was confused and couldn't tell if I was a girl or too much woman for him to handle (<3 Britney). Somehow, though, I don't think that's what was going on.
I was momentarily scared he would follow me. Straight cis men's sexuality is a major source of their self-perceived power. Heterosexuality puts them at the top of the gender hierarchy not just in terms of who they are but also who and how they fuck. Being betrayed by their own desire can throw them off, and those with power know they need to maintain it however possible. In this case I was lucky enough to just be shouted at, to have the blame put on me verbally. Allen Ray Andrade admitted to this same line of thinking and even tried to use it as a defense for the murder of Angie Zapata (trigger warning). For me this one incident can be a funny story. Angie wasn't so lucky.
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Damn. First of all, kudos to you for being a clinic escort. I've never done it, but it's a very demanding job and you're brave for having done that.
I hate how people think they have the right to demand an answer from you if they see something about your appearance. I've NEVER experienced one of those "I thought you were a male" response from people, but I don't like it if people (especially white people) approach me and ask if I'm from Mexico or India. What the fuck does it matter to these strangers?
Tiny brains can't stand someone existing outside of a very rigid box. People daring to live fulfilling lives hurt those tiny brains. These same people cannot stand to see us accept ourselves, express ourselves or speak up for ourselves. It is the same reason I got called a dyke in high school. The same reason my friend got her ass kicked for daring to wear a dress and braids and feel beautiful. The same reason swimgirlus gets talked down to because she didn't want to bear her father's name. We make them uncomfortable.
Well, who gives a damn if merely existing makes them feel uncomfortable? I say no one gives on more ounce of happiness or freedom to make them sleep better at night.
I find it very interesting to read about trans person harassment as I'm beginning to make the connections between that and what I experienced as a middle schooler and young teenager. Many people thought I was male, (I'm a cis woman) and even when they didn't mistake me for a teenage boy, they'd often harass me and mock me for looking male. I found it very hurtful at the time. As an adult am I able to see how that harassment wasn't just teenagers being cruel, but also reflects this larger problem of how the gender binary our society so slavishly adheres to is enforced (often through harassment and violence), how jarring it is for many people to not be able to make an immediate m/f evaluation of someone, and how it marginalizes others.
I do want to state, though, in case it's not clear from my comment above, that I don't feel that the ridicule I suffered is comparable to the magnitude of what most trans people are subjected to. It's just that I'm beginning to see how those experiences are related.
"Straight cis men's sexuality is a major source of their self-perceived power. Heterosexuality puts them at the top of the gender hierarchy not just in terms of who they are but also who and how they fuck. Being betrayed by their own desire can throw them off, and those with power know they need to maintain it however possible."
What a tasteful generalization.
Here is one "cis man" who is a regular avid reader of feministing and fully consider myself a feminist. Don't lump me in with your stereotypes.
Pssst - if it's not about you, then it's not about you and there's no need to make it so.
If I asked not to be lumped in with "white people" whenever reading Racialicious or Womanist Musings, I'd never have time to read what they're actually saying because I'd be so busy typing. When discussing social patterns and hierarchies, you can't complain every time one that you're in gets analyzed.
It's just a little off-putting to be tracking along with an article that I totally agree with. And then seeing myself lumped in with a group based on my gender. For a community that seems to be all about gender equality (for all genders), it seems a little bit odd to have a generalization like that.
I realize that this article is not about me, and I'm not trying to make it so. I imagine there's a fair amount of cis-men in this community (hopefully at least). Just pointing out - no cause will be helped by alienating its supporters.
Of course it's off-putting, something inside me twinges every time I read generalizations about white people, or cis people, or other privileged groups I'm part of.
But a criticism of how a group as a whole behaves in society is not a criticism of me personally, while at the same time I'm probably guilty of some of it now, and was certainly guilty of a lot of it back before I became more educated about such matters. Anyone who's going to work towards social justice just has to deal with that fact. Recognizing it is the only way anyone ever becomes a better ally and better at creating changes in the privileged group.
I guess I need to swallow my pride a little bit. Perhaps my perspective is a bit off. Given my 'rank' in our messed up society, I guess I really can't understand what it's like to be on the other side (even when though I do recognize the injustice). I apologize for my excessively antagonizing post. And this post (clearly) deals with much bigger issues than my personal offense.
To try to clear up what I was saying -- My personal opinion is that any representative of a cause (especially one with as big of a voice as feministing.com) needs to be careful not to drive wedges between people by making that sort of generalization. People fighting against racism would hurt their cause by generalizing 'white people' as all being racist -- that would only server to further divide PEOPLE (no matter the race). But--now that I think about it a bit better--'white people' wouldn't help anything by getting upset about it...
But anyway, sorry to drive the conversation so far from the original post. That wasn't my (conscious) intention...
No worries gs88. It's an understandable reflex reaction. I would just say that it is impossible, given the constraints of time and language, to avoid using generalities sometimes. The way I see it, this statement is focused on the phenomenon of cismale heterosexuality as a source of power, which it is, for reasons I do not entirely understand. Perhaps by looking at the phenomenon being discussed with curiosity, one can gain a sense of perspective.
I think gs88 doth protest too much. If your own "self-perceived power" wasn't threatened by the comment, why did you feel the need to question it?
Well I don't fall into the "straight cis male" group and I thought that it was a weird little generalization that muddied an otherwise excellent post.
The addition of a simple little phrase like "straight cis men like this" would have completely eliminated the problem. Generalizing is generalizing, no matter who it's aimed at.
I agree-- I don't really see how it's any different from using "blacks" or "Muslims" as an "in general, across the board if it's not about you it's not about you" deal. Does it have to do with privilege?
wow just wow. It shouldn't surprise me anymore about the amount of stupid that there is in this world. I mean really first and foremost I'd like to say that if it was unacceptable for men to catcall at women at all you would not have had to deal with that. The fact that we do is absolutely appalling to me. Second I want to tell you thank you so much for being a clinic escort. Third I think that men need to learn that even if they are feminists they will never understand what its like to be a woman and deal with all the crap we put up with on a daily basis. Therefore they need to shut their mouthes and deal when we have critisism for the way heterosexual men as a whole act and treat women
Whoa. We might not be able to directly relate to the daily experience of being a woman, and I'm not going to start a debate about how close we can come to understanding it, but we need to shut our mouths when you criticize how men treat women? I'll be the first to call guys out for being assholes- I've actually whacked friends of mine upside the head for catcalls- but at the same time, I've heard complaints from women about men that are way off-base and need to be shot down. Many times, they're based on ignorance of what it's like to be a male in our society, which is simply the reverse of men not being able to fully understand being a woman.
I'm not trying to fight about this; the point simply is, we have to be open to talking to each other about whatever problem someone has with what's being said or done. If you say something about men that I think is wrong, and I respond, what good does it do for you to tell me to shut my yap? But if you hear my reasoning and answer in kind, then one or both of us will probably learn something.
you are seriously going to try and say that you understand what we go through? Really are you freaking kidding me. I know for a fact that men will never have to deal with the amount of blatant sexism, objectification, blaming, assault and a whole list of other things that women go through every single day just because we have vulvas instead of penises. and who perpetuates all of this? men, its not women who catcall or turn us into peices of meat. Its not women who make palces like hooters an acceptable concept in our society. No that's right all of that is the fault of men. And beyond that men then think that they understand what its like to be a woman so they sit there like they are experts and talk about how we really should be responding and how we should feel about a situation. And the worst part is that the sexism is so engrained that you don't even know when you do something sexist.
"you are seriously going to try and say that you understand what we go through?"
I do believe that's the exact opposite of what I said. Try again?
reread it, still sounds to me like you saying I shouldn't tell men as a whole to shut up and listen to us for one second because it might hurt their feelings because "they are trying" well let me tell you something. One man out of ten thousand making an attempt does not counter the experiences that we go through every single day of our lives. Thank you for trying I do appreciate it. But again one man trying isn't going to make what we go through any easier and yes the generalizations are not always accurate. But they are generalizations because the GENERAL public adhere's to that. Oh and in our own space we shouldn't have to provide one more area where we walk on egg shells around men. We are forced to do that in the rest of our lives because of the patriarchy. Watch any news station today. You'll see the man who went into a womans gym and shot a bunch of them because he wasn't getting the sex he thought he deserved because all women are is stupid objects who are there to give them sex. That is the world we live in and for you to come into our space and tell us what we are doing wrong is way off base and totally unacceptable.
Ok. I maintain that's not what I said, but at least I understand what you're seeing. I'll clarify: In no way am I suggesting you shouldn't tell men- or anyone- to zip it if you feel they need to do so. I freely acknowledge a lot of guys act stupidly when a nearby female tries to lodge a perfectly reasonable complaint regarding their, or someone else's, actions. Tell them what they need to be told. I'm all for that. Fuck eggshells. (Likewise, I have no problem with anyone here firing back at me. I like peace, but any dialogue that goes somewhere is good, even if it's heated.)
However, you've correctly noted (to my chagrin) that what I said looks like I'm getting snippy over a simple generalization. That's my bad, as it's not the case. I didn't notice because it's not the kind of thing that normally bothers me. The only time it does is if it seems like the person saying it sounds like they're allowing no exceptions, which is what happened here. When you said that even feminist guys need to shut up, that very much sounded like you meant every single one, no questions, no exceptions. That's what stunned me. I mean, say you're with a guy who you know is pretty chill, pretty fair, wants to do right by people. You grouse about something some jagoff did the other day, and this guy says, "Geez, I dunno. I can kind of understand what he did." Are you going to hear him out or jump on him for even thinking about offering an explanation (not necessarily a defense, even) for the guy's actions?
At this point, I assume the former. That's fine, that's all one can reasonably ask. Hear them out, and if you disagree- perhaps vociferously- hey, that's life. But initially, it sounded like the latter. That's why I got bent about it. I'm not here (I mean on the planet, not the site) to nitpick and shake my finger at people's errors. This just felt really egregious, and I'm glad it appears to be a misunderstanding.
So... we cool?
If I can go slightly off-topic (I can't really add to what's been said regarding the direct point of the post), how do you go about becoming a clinic escort? I tried contacting a Planned Parenthood here in Sacramento about volunteering to do something after Tiller got killed, but I had no idea what was even available. I thought about something like an escort, but I didn't know if they actually had people do that, or if it's necessary out here (no clue if people in Cali do much protesting). So when I called, I felt kind of weird asking about it (since I didn't know what to ask), and they didn't have an e-mail address I could write to.
They generally hold trainings-probably listed on the website, or you could call and ask for the training.
Not every PP has escorts -- it depends on the need at each individual place. Did the place in Sacramento get back to you? You can also give them a call and talk to a real person, who might be able to help you find another nearby location looking for escort volunteers.
When I volunteered as an escort, it was truly an eye-opening experience. Being called to my face (by the protesters of courses) an anti-feminist, racist, classist who was just as evil as the Nazis operating the death camps (which killed my relatives, thank you very much) was... well it was no fun, but certainly made me stronger. Go for it if you can find an opportunity -- it'll really open your eyes to the shit that women take when they try to make decisions about their own bodies (and of course the shit that men and women take when they work in places which empower women to do so!).
(apologies if this submits twice -- it told me to go back and try again but I'm not sure I trust the system!)
Not every PP has escorts -- it depends on the need at each individual place. Did the place in Sacramento get back to you? You can also give them a call and talk to a real person, who might be able to help you find another nearby location looking for escort volunteers.
When I volunteered as an escort, it was truly an eye-opening experience. Being called to my face (by the protesters of courses) an anti-feminist, racist, classist who was just as evil as the Nazis operating the death camps (which killed my relatives, thank you very much) was... well it was no fun, but certainly made me stronger. Go for it if you can find an opportunity -- it'll really open your eyes to the shit that women take when they try to make decisions about their own bodies (and of course the shit that men and women take when they work in places which empower women to do so!).
Spiffy--
Found this on the first page of Google results after typing "clinic escort Sacramento" into the search bar. All Planned Parenthood volunteer contact information for the state of California is there, just scroll down.
Check the website for volunteer opportunities. https://plannedparenthoodvolunteer.hire.com/index.html?__utma=1.2574336914224856000.1249696121.1249696121.1249696121.1&__utmb=1.18.10.1249696121&__utmc=1&__utmx=-&__utmz=1.1249696121.1.1.utmcsr=google|utmccn=(organic)|utmcmd=organic|utmctr=Sacramento%20planned%20parenthood&__utmv=-&__utmk=107102466
You might want to search for other women's clinics in the area. Often times the smaller clinics are overlooked by volunteers and not by protesters.
Check the website for volunteer opportunities. The link is too long for me to paste and post.
You might want to search for other women's clinics in the area. Often times the smaller clinics are overlooked by volunteers and not by protesters.
I can't speak to exactly what the clinic defense needs are for the PP in Sacramento, but if you contact their volunteer department, they'll be able to give you a better idea of their volunteer opportunities.
Depending on the layout of the clinic, not all PPs actually need active clinic escorts; my clinic, for example, sits on private property with a private parking lot, and protesters can't come closer than the sidewalk by the road. Some clinics, like the one that Jos defends, sits much closer to public sidewalks and therefore needs people to act as buffers between patients and angry protesters.
That said, here are some links for you. First, PPMM (PP Mar Monte, the affiliate responsible for Sacramento) has a volunteer page.
Second, the contact info (phone + email) for the volunteer coordinators at PPMM for the Sacramento region:
Ph: 916-446-5037 x 113
sacramentovol@ppmarmonte.org
Hope that helps!
Thank you for wanting to do this, and thank the rest of you for giving your time and energy to protect these clinics.
(Sorry for the slight derail there, but I figured it was good info to get out....)
Each clinic has different needs for clinic defense, depending not only on protester volume but also on the layout of the clinic -- whether they're on private or public land, for example. So I can't speak to what PPMM's needs are in Sacramento.
But I did find this info for you. Planned Parenthood Mar Monte is the affiliate responsible for the Sacramento region, and they have a volunteer page here: http://www.plannedparenthood.org/mar-monte/volunteers-interns-4774.htm
You can also contact the volunteer coordinator in charge of the Sacramento region:
Ph: 916-446-5037 x 113
sacramentovol@ppmarmonte.org
Thank you for wanting to get involved this way!
And thanks to Jos and all the other current clinic escorts for doing what you do.
Ugh. Sorry about the million reposts. Please feel free to delete the double/triple/quadruple/etc posts...
My first thought on reading this-how sad and fucked up is this world when you have to be grateful for only being "shouted at" rather than actually attacked? I'm truly sick about this shit some times. It sounds like you made a wise choice not to engage him at all, and I'm glad you're ok.
I also think your thoughts on Dick are interesting-I hadn't really thought about this on the top level of my brain, but I guess the "default gender" thing holds true in a large majority of cases. For me, personally, gender isn't really the first thing that comes to mind when I see people at all. I notice things about them, but if the person presents slightly androgynous, or could be male or female, and I don't know them or have a reason to know them, I tend not to think more on it, really consciously. But I wouldn't be surprised if I fall into that "default" thinking.
Good point.
Spiffy--
Found this: http://answers.google.com/answers/threadview?id=216168 on the first page of Google results after typing "clinic escort Sacramento" into the search bar. All Planned Parenthood volunteer contact information for the state of California is there, just scroll down.
Spiffy--
Found this: http://answers.google.com/answers/threadview?id=216168 on the first page of Google results after typing "clinic escort Sacramento" into the search bar. All Planned Parenthood volunteer contact information for the state of California is there, just scroll down.
Spiffy-
Just type "clinic escort Sacramento" into the Google search bar. There's a website with all Planned Parenthood escort contact information for the state of California. Do your research.
Sorry that this posted about a million times in a million different ways--I got error messages, thought it was the link, got rid of it, tried again, etc--never thought it posted.
Thanks for posting this, Jos-- and it's funny that you've experienced different levels of targeting by that anti, Dick (aptly named). I would like to hope D.C. is one of the better cities for street harassment. Stay awesome- you deserve not to be scared of that man following you.
DC is not a safe space for women on the street. Cat callers there are out of control.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iemfvh6yr8Q
Luckily there is a group of people who are fighting back. http://hollabackdc.wordpress.com/
Yeah, of all the cities I've lived in and visited in the US, DC was definitely the worst for street harassment (and Metro harassment, and restaurant harassment, and museum harassment, and...)
Can the defensive men here just save this discussion about their treatment in feminist communities for another time?
Jos is trying to share her experiences with us and you're seriously derailing. That's horrible.
Jos - thank you for taking the time to share your experiences. You're a wonderful brave woman.
Holy comment load, Batman.
Muchos gracias for the assists, though.
Word. I saw 47 and thought "woo hoo! lively commenting on trans issues!"... then I saw that the commenting snafu-d and was sad. :-(
I've had the experience of people (meaning, *complete and total strangers*) being weirdly insistent that I have a responsibility to stop my day to identify my gender for their benefit. The weirdest one was when I was in a bathroom (a single-user one) at a park. A group of people (small group--maybe four) surrounded the outhouse to speculate on what I was, and to declare their intention of insisting that I clear up the issue when I came out. (I'm guessing they didn't realize that the outhouse was not a chamber of silence, so I could hear every word.) I stayed in there until they dispersed, natch.
It is disturbing to think that many people feel at a loss as to how to interact with a person if they don't know the gender. I find that telling.
I've never heard that when gender is in question the automatic assumption is male, that's really interesting.
I once ran into a friend with her boyfriend and thought he was a girl the entire encounter. I had even spent a considerable amount of time hanging around him before then and immediately recognized him for who he was the very next time I saw him (and realized my mistake). I don't know what happened there...
"I've never heard that when gender is in question the automatic assumption is male, that's really interesting."
Same... it seems more likely that a person would go with whichever they associate more closely with what they're seeing, doesn't it? That's how everyone I've ever met has reacted to seeing somebody whose gender they couldn't figure out at a glance.
Last Thursday I went out to lunch with a group of workmates to a small cafe to get fried chicken. There was a wait on the chicken, so we seated ourselves and started chatting.
I got heartily involved in the conversation and unfortunately my voice pitch/control slipped a lot (as it does when I'm in a group of friends and getting into the discussion).
Two old ladies seated at a nearby table kept casting confused looks over at me and eventually started staring and whispering. With a disgusted look, they got up and moved to the far corner of the cafe away from me.
I was stunned. Never before has someone actively [i]shunned[/i] me for being trans. It made my skin crawl.
Anyway, fuck it. There are cis women out there with voices deeper than mine, so they can go fuck themselves for assuming that I'm trans, just because my voice is masculine sounding.
Another encounter at a 7/11 had a couple of burly football player types in rugby shirts speculating about my gender as I paid for my snacks and drinks. One claimed "It's got an adam's apple. Gives them away every time."
I smiled, and politely pointed out "No honey, it's the cock that gives it away."
I've never been to a Planned Parenthood or Dr's office that had protesters outside. I don't understand; do they think that every woman going in there is having an abortion? Are there clinics that JUST do abortions? (Not that it's any of their beeswax) I just wonder how they decide where to go.
When there is a women to oppress, they come 'arunnin.