fantastic advice. I was wondering the same thing not too long ago.

Not to be nit-picky, but sex and gender are not exactly equivalent. That may be too fine of a distinction for a seven-year-old, but eventually, it's an important lesson.

But, other than that, good advice, I'd say.

It reminds me of how my own mom explained 'the birds and the bees' to me and my siblings. I admire how straightforward Professor Roxy's advice is.

>Foxy. whoops.

AlwaysArousedGirl started a website recently that has posts from different people detailing how they were educated about sex. It is called
Beyond the Birds and the Bees. I highly recommend it as a resource for what to do and what not to do.

I was just wondering the same thing recently. I don't have children but I plan on having one and I was concerned about how to frame sex and sexuality in a progressive, inclusive way, especially since I am a queer-identified bisexual, which may be hard to explain, especially to a boy if I have one. Wonderful advice, Professor Foxy.

Then go on to explain that while it does take a part from a man and a part from a woman, families look all sorts of ways and many families do not involve a mommy and a daddy.

Also, many families don't involve children who are the biological offspring of any of the parent figures in the family. It seems to me that if you don't want to link sex to procreation in a way that makes it seem like that's all sex is for, mentioning that there are other ways for people who want to be parents to have kids is an important point to include. This would actually be a good way to get multiple lessons in: the idea that sex can be for procreation but can also be for other things, the idea that families with adopted children are just as normal as families with biological children, the idea that "family" doesn't just mean a mom and dad and kids, and whatever other lessons you can think of that might be useful to add at that time.

Other than that, great advice.

I don't have anything really helpful to add, since my parents never said a word to me directly about sex when I was young. I had to rely on books I could get my hands on, mostly, and other crap like magazines. But this reminds me of one time when I was small in a Shopko with my parents. Mom and I were waiting for Dad to finish shopping and she was looking at some magazines. I read the cover of one and of course there was the word "orgasm" in enormous type, a word I'd never seen. I didn't know what it meant, so I asked her. Her face turned simultaneously amused and appalled and she took it away from me and said, "Nothing. It's naughty. It's not something you should EVER say out loud." Then she told my Dad later about this embarrassing naughty thing I did in the store, which was ask about this word (that I was now extremely curious about because I couldn't figure out why it was so bad). And I never found out from them.

Remarkably, I grew up to have pretty healthy attitudes toward sex and a healthy sex life. But I also had comprehensive sex ed in school.

It's a great idea to separate the concept of sex from procreation in a child's mind. Why not do the same with the idea of "caring" though? We all know that sex is absolutely not limited to people "who care about each other." The child lives in a culture that shows him countless examples of sex between people who don't care.

Besides, connecting the idea of sexuality with the realm of emotions is dangerous to begin with. Later on in life, a person raised believing that feeling sexual desire for someone must be accompanied by caring about that person might experience feelings of guilt once s/he discovers that it's very possible to be sexually attracted to a person towards whom you have no feelings or emotional attachment.

But it's dangerous territory in my mind when you disconnect any semblance of caring from sex - you get into the territory of predatory misogynists and rapists.

This is a bit judgmental for my tastes. First it assumes you're talking about men who've disconnected caring from sex. Second, it reinforces the notion that sex and emotion are connected, which is precisely why I believe so many people have hang-ups about sex.

My husband and I have a sexually open marriage - not an emotional one. We're both free to have sex with other people. While sometimes those people are friends with whom we decide to have sex, often they are people with whom we have no other relationship. My husband, for instance, has had on-going sexual relationships with women who work in his building. While he is, of course, polite if he sees them at work, he doesn't have any emotional attachment for them. He doesn't "care" for them anymore than he does for the average person. The sex isn't about caring or emotion - it's about physical fulfillment only. I know that it's difficult for many people to disentangle the two concepts, but for those of us who don't view them as linked, it doesn't make us monsters who use and abuse people.

As for what to teach my children, that's tougher. I obviously will not share with small children that we're open. It's not something most adults understand, and really my sex life isn't my children's business. For the abstract, though, I will teach my children about the mechanics of anatomy/sex as they ask and we deem it appropriate. I will talk about how we shouldn't judge others if they decide to or not to have sex because I think that's the biggest value I want associated with sexuality for my children.

As they're older, I will explain that I want them to make healthy sexual decisions and that they're free to talk to me or another trusted adult if they're working out some decision related to sex. I also want to pass on the "redemption" message. Regretting a sexual encounter is okay, but making a bad decision about sex doesn't mean you're a bad person. You analyze why you did it and move on, just as with other decision.

I don't equate sex with families at all. Discussions about family already happen with my children, and I don't think sex has to be linked to them at all. My son has become aware that other families are structed different from ours, and he asks questions about why a friend has no dad, or has two moms, or whether someone could have 3 moms and that sort of thing. We answer those questions as he has them and make sure he is continually exposed to the idea that we support all types of family structures regardless of how "traditional" our own looks.

Great answer and interesting discussion here in the comments. I have a boy who is about to turn 7 and so far he hasn't shown much curiosity (and he's also a bit young for his age, actually) but I have been considering how to approach the issue as well.

I was raised to be "pure" and sex was not talked about at all. We lived on a farm for part of my childhood so when I asked my mom she said something like "well, you've seen the animals making babies, right?" or something to that effect. She also gave me a confusing talk about eggs and menstruation. My dad on the other hand gave me a book called "A Beautiful Gift: Your Awakening Sexuality". It was from a conservative Christian perspective but was actually surprisingly helpful anyway. By the time he gave it to me I'd gotten the general ideas from friends anyway.

I actually embraced the purity thing (mainly because I was repressed and scared) and didn't have sex until marriage (though I'd gotten close with a couple boyfriends). My wedding night was not the bliss it was supposed to be--both of us were hopeless virgins and I was crying. I don't want my kids to grow up that freaked out!

What a great answer Prof. Foxy!! I would like to add the importance of parents accepting masturbation. My sons have been having their "alone" time since they were about four. They are now teenagers and pretty well-adjusted kids.

I think that masturbation is the cornerstone of a person's sexuality.

Why does sex always have to involve caring?

Not all sex is relationship-based - for example, casual hookups and commercial sex - and those are perfectly legitimate forms of sexual expression.

I remember when my mother and I had "the talk". I was a bit younger than seven, and even though I don't remember what she said, I remember I was so undignified with her when my best friend at the time told me otherwise. She said her mother had told her that when a woman is old enough, she looks up into the sky and God drops a small seed into her mouth which creates a baby.... Compared to my hetero explanation (I asked her how she told me), and my best friend's mother told her, you're off to an AMAZING start.
Good luck!

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''''''''''''July 18, 2009 7:48 PM[3+] safa said:
What a great answer Prof. Foxy!! I would like to add the importance of parents accepting masturbation. My sons have been having their "alone" time since they were about four. They are now teenagers and pretty well-adjusted kids.

I think that masturbation is the cornerstone of a person's sexuality. '''''''''''''''

Did you teach them how to masturbate?

I think one of the best things about this advice is the reminder that many teachable moments and discussions is a much better tactic than one big sex talk. The more comfortably (and appropriately, of course) parents can talk about sexuality, the better.

My mum has the best story.

6 or 7 year old me had gotten up one night and found mum sleeping on the couch with the telly on, whatever was on Cinemax (a/k/a Skinamax) scared me enough to wake her.

Me - what are they *doing*?
Mum (half awake) - having sex
....confused look...
Mum(still mostly sleeping)- I'm not going to tell a little girl who forgets to pick up her toys(it might of been clothes) the secret to making babies.

Turns of TV, puts me to bed, the end.

I think at 4 years old doesn't that touch on child abuse. Sound a whole lot off to me.

Accepting masturbation and teaching it are entirely different concepts. Accepting means you acknowledge that it is a natural developmental process in children (you might want to review this subject) some children may start earlier or later, but 3-4 years old is definitely not abnormal or shows abnormal development. Even teaching can be appropriate, like hygiene. No, not a powerpoint lecture with props, but simple stuff.
But anyway.
How does allowing 'alone time' constitute child abuse in any damn sense? What would you prefer? Screaming at them? Spanking/slapping them to stop them from touching themselves? THAT I think would come closer to child abuse than what safa said.

Well done, Professor Foxy! Robie Harris's books are wonderful and I've been reading them with my own seven year old son. And yes, this is many, many conversations.

I haven't really read through the rest of the comments on this page, so I apologize if I am just restating something someone else has said. I just want to say that it is important to remember that we, adults, are the ones who put all this taboo and inappropriateness into the idea of sex. It's important first and foremost just to be honest with your son. I remember when I was about seven and I asked my mom what a condom was while watching an episode of Seinfeld involving discussion of condoms. She didn't answer me, she just said "Uhhhh..." and changed the subject. She could have just said something along the lines of "It's something adults use to prevent them from having babies."

Also, I know my local Planned Parenthood gives out packets of advice on how to talk to your kids about sex at various age; you might want to call your local branch to see if they have packets or classes or anything.

Dear Feminist Mom,

Prof. Foxy has, as usually, given very good advice, in my opinion. But there is something that I would like to add, even though it may not become relevant for another couple of years. Many feminists have a tendency to blame male sexuality, and some of them have a tendency to pass that blame on to their sons when it comes to sexual education. I for one was seriously affected in my personal sexual development by my feminist education, which basically amounted to giving me a guilt complex for liking girls, that was at least as bad as a Catholic one.

If/When your son will start being interested in girls, don't immediately tell him that "all men are potential rapists", don't make him think that his sexuality is potentially dangerous and something he needs to contain so he won't endanger the women he likes. Maybe his experiences with feelings of lack of power with respect to the women he likes, or some kind of shyness, approach anxiety issue, will lead you to question your own convictions with respect to the assumed power structure of male/female interactions. If that happens, be there for your son and not your theoretical concerns. He will thank you once he understands what happened at that moment.

One of the things I have thought about most regarding having kids is how to let them grow up with a realistic attitude about sex. I hope that I've got a good perspective on it, since I'll be putting it to the test within the next decade or so.

Sort of contrary to the objections about connecting emotional involvement with sex, I think it's a very good idea to explain it in the context of affection that he sees people engage in. It seems simplest to not have presumptions about whether your son will tend toward monogamy or usually pair sex with romance, but I think it's important to consider how other people tend to think of sex. He's going to be having sex with people that have their own expectations, and making room for respecting what they might be would be pretty helpful. If your peers tend to put sex and love hand-in-hand, they'll probably pass that idea on to their kids too. It's probably a pretty good representation of the attitudes your son will navigate once love and sex come up on his horizon.

I find it pretty dreary when people refer to sexuality as "physical needs." It sounds like a chore that way. I grew up with a lot of sex-positive influences (I was a devotee of Susie Bright's from about 15 on), and didn't expect that I'd be all that excited about monogamy, but even when I didn't really feel that there are a lot of rules about how I should have sex, I ended up marrying pretty young (22) and really digging monogamy. Most of the sex I've ever had has been in the context of a long-term monogamous relationship with the man who now is my husband. He had much more-conservative ideas about sex than I did when we started dating. My family was pretty tight-lipped about sex, but it was a pretty well-acknowledged fact in my household that my parents had (and have) sex. They were fairly young parents; I remember my dad's 30th birthday party. I don't remember any particular "talk," but my parents were always affectionate toward each other and the wider world told me that people who kiss each other with open mouths and sleep together at night usually have sex with each other. Somehow, I knew most of the details about birth control and stuff by the time I was 6 or 7. I guess I mostly conceptualized sex as very elaborate kissing. I remember when my dad had a vasectomy after my mom accidentally got pregnant while my dad was writing his phd thesis. I eavesdropped on a lot of adult conversations, though. I think on the whole, I got a pretty good idea of how sex is a part of people's lives. I kind of reached sexuality before I got to exploring romance, so I kind of made a go of both at the same time by the time I could convince boys to like-like me.

What's kind of funny is that I never really noticed the existence of my vagina until I started getting told about how I was going to have a period. I think I was told at one point not to touch my crotch, and took it to heart. My school was really really good on the issue of sex - it was way before ab-only (Reagan and Clinton eras), and I live in a rural, conservative area.

ive stated before, im a big fan of OWL - Our Whole Lives comprehensive sex ed programs, often through UU churches.

there's also Advocates for Youth - theyve got a link on the side for parents' sex ed center.
www.advocatesforyouth.org.