A new three part feature in Marie Claire magazine highlights non-custodial moms--mothers who after a divorce do not maintain primary custody of their children.
The article highlights three mothers, who all have spent some time as the non-custodial parent of their children, and for different reasons.
Check out the profiles here.
Rebeka Spicuglia is one of the featured moms, and she writes more about non-custodial parents on her blog here.
I think these features are important, to dispel myths about divorced parents and parenting styles. Not all children end up with their moms after a divorce, for a multitude of reasons, a few of them explained in this feature.
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These stories really made me feel for the mothers involved. I can only imagine how difficult the decision to relinquish custody of your child must be and the emotional issues and complications that result from doing so, even without considering how our society regards such women!
I found it particularly easy to relate because, as a man, I often worry that I will face sexism in a custody battle like this one day :( The idea of separating from my hypothetical future children is disturbing enough; it must be very difficult to actually live it. It looks like these women all managed to arrive at healthy, happy conclusions and lifestyles though - so certainly there's hope for anyone going through a divorce where kids are involved.
I find this article thought-provoking. I think it's hard to sometimes escape the natural tendency of wondering why a mother would give up sole custody. It's wonderful to hear these women's stories and see how they were able to channel their strength to make tough, but wise decisions for the best interest of themselves, their children, and, ultimately, their families.
On a completely unrelated note, I have a question for the staff of feministing. Do you have control over what ads appear on this blog? If so, are you aware that a majority of the ads that appear on the pages are for weight loss fads spouting ways to flatten your stomach. If you do have control over the ads, I would love to see less of those. I find they negate all the wonderful positive messages posted by both your staff and the readers of this blog about the strength and power of women aside from societal standards of appearance.
First, I'm not sure the tendency you mention (to wonder why a mother would give up custody) is natural. It may in fact be common, but isn't it simply another assumption we make about women based on years of cultural conditioning about women's biology implying an essential role as nurturer/caregiver? Wouldn't women's desire to give up custody (or retain it) be driven by the same factors that drive such decisions in men?
Second, just to clarify - as the article attempts to clarify, custody is a two-fold issue in many if not most states. First is legal custody, or how decisions such as schooling, medical care, etc. are decided after divorce. Second is physical custody, or how much time the children spend between the two households. Sole custody (physical or legal) is rarely the norm anymore.
Well, it may not be. It might be inherently natural to wonder why a mother or a father would give up sole custody, but expect that a father would never have sole custody, so it'd never be his to give up. Whether or not the expectation matches what is likely to actually happen, of course I don't know.
Even if we have the same base desires, out expectations of what's reasonable, plausible, likely to happen, what we can handle, what we think is expected of us, et cetera, can push us in different directions. If I'm lead to believe that as a father, I can't be sufficient parenting for my children, then I'm likely to offer more sharing of the custody than a mother who's lead to believe she can be sufficient parenting for her children, no?
I think you misunderstood what was being said. Monkey_doc did not call into question whether those things are what are traditionally expected, but whether it's natural. It is not natural or an innate trait of people to wonder why a mother would ever give up custody or to expect fathers to always share or give up custody. It is socially conditioned. Not inherent; socially conditioned.
I will add a separate response to this post aswell but I would like to second that. If you have any control over the ads, please do something about them. As a recovering anorexic I find them very hard to look at, as the first thing that comes to my mind is trying them. These ads do not foster good body image, please do your best to correct this.
I find this article thought-provoking. I think it's hard to sometimes escape the natural tendency of wondering why a mother would give up sole custody. It's wonderful to hear these women's stories and see how they were able to channel their strength to make tough, but wise decisions for the best interest of themselves, their children, and, ultimately, their families.
On a completely unrelated note, I have a question for the staff of feministing. Do you have control over what ads appear on this blog? If so, are you aware that a majority of the ads that appear on the pages are for weight loss fads spouting ways to flatten your stomach. If you do have control over the ads, I would love to see less of those. I find they negate all the wonderful positive messages posted by both your staff and the readers of this blog about the strength and power of women aside from societal standards of appearance.
I find this article thought-provoking. I think it's hard to sometimes escape the natural tendency of wondering why a mother would give up sole custody. It's wonderful to hear these women's stories and see how they were able to channel their strength to make tough, but wise decisions for the best interest of themselves, their children, and, ultimately, their families.
On a completely unrelated note, I have a question for the staff of feministing. Do you have control over what ads appear on this blog? If so, are you aware that a majority of the ads that appear on the pages are for weight loss fads spouting ways to flatten your stomach. If you do have control over the ads, I would love to see less of those. I find they negate all the wonderful positive messages posted by both your staff and the readers of this blog about the strength and power of women aside from societal standards of appearance.
I apologize for my comment appearing three times. My internet browser was struggling! :-)
I really like how these women thought about what they wanted and what was best for their children and themselves. As an attorney, I find that many people will spend a great deal of time and money (money that could go to the children's education or well-being) fighting each other after the marriage ends. I know that each situation was not perfect, for example, the NY woman talked about having to constantly bug teachers for progress reports. Still, it's refreshing to see women that were willing to face being called a "bad mother" to do what was best for all involved.
Everyone should take a look at the artical itselt, there is only one comment at the bottom of the page, compleatly ripping apart these women.
I find this very thought provoking aswell. My first instinct, like many others, was to question why on earth a mother would be able to leave her children. But I have always been a firm believer that while having a child means that you have a responsibility to that child, to care for and love it, your life as an individual does not stop once you have a child. Meaning that, while abandonment is a terrible thing, as I have seen many friends go through that, society often mislabels abandonment. Individual needs to not end once you have a child, why should they? That doesnt meen a woman does not love her child as is what many people jump to.
I do not agree with every choice these women made, but I do believe that they acted in ways that were right for their families for the most part. Especially the woman who sent her children to live with their father because he was more stable financially and emotionally than she is. That is obviously looking out for the best interest of the child. They were looking out for themselves aswell, and I dont believe that anyone has a right to judge them unless they have been in the same position.
Even writing this I am not compleatly sure how I feel about this artical, I dont see it as something that can be understood in a few minutes of reading. I would really love to be able to sit down with these women and talk to them, hear their stories to better be able to understand. Or if anyone here has had a similar experiance I encourage you to talk about it. This is something that needs to be better understood.
This article was very comforting for me and I am debating sending it to my mom, but I'm not sure if she would understand what I was trying to do.
My parents divorced when I was 12, and my mother was the one to move out, my brothers and I stayed in our house with my dad. It has been a very long 10 years since then. I can't remember ever thinking that my mom left us. If I did I have since forgotten. Plenty of other people have tried to tell me and my mother that and it was really frustrating. Just last summer I was having some issues with my dad and he brought up the fact that my mom "left us and gave up her parenting rights." Being old enough now I understand what she did and she most certainly did not leave us. My dad doesn't understand why I feel this way. She also had to deal with trying to get information from our schools about our report cards and such. They just didn't understand how joint custody works.
I hope this article, while I wish it would have explained more instead of just giving the profiles without some sort of encouragement or something, will get people talking and help other mothers realize that they are not the only ones who do not live with their children every day. There is nothing wrong with what they decided and they shouldn't have to hear crap from others about it.
There is such a terrible stigma that goes along with a mother moving out of the house after a divorce, and leaving the child(ren) with the father. As one such, it hurts to even mention it to anyone, because I miss my son so much. But when you move out to save your sanity, when you know staying would be worse, when you realize you have been lying to yourself, what else can you do than to take steps to be honest? Than to do something so your child knows that yes, you made mistakes, but your love for him (in my case), has never wavered. That it is hard to be a good mother if you can't even be a good you-or you don't know who you is.
Even now I feel the need to defend myself, to say that I see my son everyday and that he stays the night with me at least once a week, and that it is getting to the point where I am more stable than his father, but then again, it has taken us a year and a half to get here.
Every family is different, but my son is amazing, I am always thinking what is best for him.
This article really hit home for me. It is not an easy decision to make and like most heavy decisions, it is based on individual circumstances.
I am divorced. My ex-husband and I share custody with him being the primary custodial parent. My ex met someone during our marriage that he wanted to be with and we decided to separate. After coming up with several solutions, the one that worked best was that I leave and his girlfriend move in with him and our two sons.
We chose this solution for several reasons. I was only working part-time and I had no money or health insurance. We did not want to uproot the boys from their school and friends. It just seemed to be the best decision for everyone.
Fast forward a few years, I am now working full-time and my sons come to stay with me when they want to. I love them and they know they are welcome anytime.
My ex-husband, despite his cheating, is an excellent father. His is a better parent than I am. I think that if a person, man or woman, is parented by loving and supportive adults that they themselves will make good parents.