ah ha ha ha ha ha! I donno, Dwayne Johnson may be a republican, but he seems pretty cool. He has a good sense of humor about his career as a pro-wrestler. He does a lot of movies for kids.

BACK ON TOPIC

I am a bisexual female who has never had a relationship with another woman, and I am also in my first long-term committed relationship with a man. As soon as it dawned on me that we were serious enough that I might stay in this relationship for years and eventually get married, I had a major crisis of sexual orientation.

My masturbatory fantasies became mostly about women when I wasn't thinking about my boyfriend. I checked out strange women (and learned that my boyfriend and I have the same taste in women when we both had our heads turned by the same girl). What resolved it for me was realizing that what was really going on in my head was a fear of commitment. When I confronted the fact that I might be getting a bit ahead of myself and let myself acknowledge the fact that I was not really ready for a happy-ever-after, the attraction to men came back.

I am not trying to feed into the stereotype that bisexuals have a fear of commitment. What I mean is that at least for me, realizing that I had fallen head over heals into a serious relationship at a young age was scary (as well as wonderful, beautiful, and exciting). Lots of doors click shut when you enter a committed, monogamous relationship, and when you're bisexual the most obvious of those doors is going to be sex with other women.

Thus, my fear of commitment manifested with a crisis of sexual orientation, but I think that if I had been straight, something else would have happened. I would have developed a fierce crush on another guy or started getting really annoyed by my boyfriend's bad habits.

Maybe the reason why she had this crisis occur when her boyfriend moved away for a job is because transitioning into a long distance relationship is a fairly huge step. People who aren't serious don't have long distance relationships; they break up. It doesn't matter if you're monogamous or not. If you're going to bother to keep the fire going long distance, you're serious.

I have no idea if her situation is like mine, and I don't mean to imply that a fear of commitment is the only possible explanation here, it's just something Professor Foxy didn't talk about. Consider this option #4.

If the idea of never dating another woman, or another man, is scary... be honest with yourself about that emotion. That doesn't mean you have to end your relationship or open it up, it just means being honest with yourself about the fact that you are a complicated person who may end up making a sacrifice at some point to keep the relationship going, and if the relationship is that great, the sacrifice might be worth it.

In reality, we all make sacrifices for relationships. Often, they're worth it. Sometimes they're not. It's good to keep an eye on your feelings.

Kudos to the BF for being honest about his needs and expectations in the relationship, but... he's some distance away (so far that physical comfort isn't really an option on a weekly or bi-weekly basis, I presume). What about the letter writer's needs?

I'm not saying she should end the relationship, but long-distance relationships are hard and some sort of compromise needs to be made. The letter writer was open about her fantasies, and if she is bisexual, then there's some part of her sexuality that a man, no matter how good, giving and game he is, is never going to satisfy. She'll always be wondering, "what if?"

If he's not in to non-monogamy, that's one thing, but it sounds like the letter writer is being made to feel ashamed and secretive about her fantasies and denied release because he's not comfortable with even a sex-only type relationship between the letter writer and another bi/lesbian friend. I dunno. If I were in his position, I'd rather set defined boundaries that are mutually satisfying than run the risk of a slip during one night of sexual frustration that betrays trust and ruins the relationship.

I can totally relate to this. I have been open about my bisexuality for 5 years now, but I've only dated men (not because I prefer them... simply because they seem to be easier to find). I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years and we plan on getting married. I definitely don't want to be with anybody else for the rest of my life. Yet, for some reason, whenever I masturbate my mind always wanders off to having sex with a woman. Usually it is Lindsay Lohan's character in Mean Girls... haha, how embarrassing... but for some reason it always gets me off really fast. I also really dislike straight porn for some reason, I always find it really gross compared to lesbian porn. It feels like I am living a double life sometimes! I know my love for my boyfriend won't falter, but sometimes I wonder if my attraction to women, though kind of irrelevant at this point, will make him jealous or insecure.

I think Foxy's advice is pretty good and that is basically how I try to think about it as well. I hope everything turns out alright with you :)

I've been married for 10 years, I've been in relationships with both men and women and I have a higher sex drive then my husband.

My mind tends to wander towards women sexually but I do know he's who I want to be with for the rest of our lives. I think maybe thinking about women sexually seems not so bad as thinking about another guy. Perhaps you living apart, wanting sex, and not wanting to cheat might put you in this category.

He's been away a month, your sex has been cut off, and your mind is wandering..but not to another guy. Seems normal to me.

WOW. Yes. Almost all of you seem to be in a similar boat as I. Thanks so much for sharing your stories.

Let me vent for a sec.

I'm 21, in my first relationship ever - with a wonderful, wonderful man.. it's been 15 months, and we just know we're going to be together for a long, long time. Forever, even :)

I've been open with him about my attraction to women.. and regretfully, I never had a sexual experience with a woman prior to being with him. A few (lame) experiences with guys, but he was the first (and last) person I've had sex with, and it's great.

We've toyed with the idea of threesomes - and it's strange because even though he digs the fantasy, he's very unsure about doing it in real life (and so am I sometimes - what with my body image issues.. but I think he's a lot less for it than I am).

I guess the problem is (like many of you) that I fantasize a lot about being with women - with him there, and without him. And pretty much the only way I can orgasm is by integrating attractive women into my fantasies. And it scares me and excites me.

He's 24, and has had 6 or 7 sexual partners before me. I hooked up with 3 guys, never went all the way. And it's frustrating because I feel like he got to explore so much more than I did. Obviously not his fault, but still - I feel frustrated about that (and almost like it's unfair) and I know I need to get over it.

It's the most troubling thing ever - to think that I may never be able to experience other people sexually unless we break up.. BUT it would NEVER never ever be worth it. He's just too fucking great.

And like one of you said, sometimes you have to compromise. This definitely might be one of those times for myself, and some of you...

I don't know. I guess I'm hoping that in a few years, when the time is right for both of us and we want to spice things up a bit, we'll open our relationship (or AT LEAST allow other people in the bedroom, if we decide that going off and having sexcapades by ourselves is too much, which it might be considering I am a slightly to moderately jealous person, but I DESPERATELY want to get over that). Or maybe at some point he'll realize that I'll love him even more if he is OK with me exploring a bit, especially while I'm young.. but I realize that's a lot to ask, so I'm not getting my hopes up. And I won't feel any less about him.

Anyway, excuse the rant but.. I feel better just talking about it. It's SO awesome knowing that I'm not alone in this struggle!!

Maybe we should start a support group - something like 'Taken Heterosexual Women who Fantasize Incessantly About Other Women,' haha.

The Rock is Republican? Shit.

I wonder why the letter author says: "I've never acted any of my same-sex fantasies, because "in real life" I am only interested in relationships with men."

Makes me think she is still struggling with her sexuality.

I can definitely relate. I'm a "bisexual" (for lack of a better word) woman, but I had dated men exclusively for about 5 years before I ever even considered being with a woman.

Since puberty, my sexual fantasies have been almost exclusively been about women, though my romantic fantasies were exclusively about men. I enjoyed sex with men, and so I considered myself heterosexual since I couldn't imagine a situation in real life where I would be comfortable with a woman. I didn't know many women at the time, and none of the women I did know were my type.

I was very secretive about this all throughout high school, and part of the way into college. I never told and of my friends or boyfriends about it. After I came out to a couple of my close friends about it, the whole thing began to feel more "real". I began questioning whether I simply hadn't found the right woman.

During this time, my sexual fantasies became stronger to the point where I was fantasizing about women while having sex with men. While I didn't consider this wrong in any moral sense, it bothered me because I had always been very focused on whoever I was with, and now I wasn't anymore.

So, I began seeking out women using online dating services. After a lot of bad dates and one fling, I began dating an awesome woman.

I liked the sex about equally to sex with men, but I found that for the first time ever, my sexual fantasies began to focus on men.

She and I broke up after 3 or 4 months since we didn't click romantically, and I started having sex with men again. As soon as I did that, my fantasies returned to being about women.

I'm still not sure whether a romantic relationship with a woman could work for me, but as far as sex goes, it seems that my fantasies tend to be about whichever I don't currently have in real life.

I'm not always in agreement with the Prof.'s advice, but this time I think she hit the nail on the head.

Great points. Why toss away a relationship if there's no indication she's not actually attracted to her boyfriend anymore? I think this is a good sort of "wait and see" situation-if she's not feeling unhappy or unfulfilled otherwise, fanatizing about other people is not necessarily a sign of wanting to cheat or even needing to have sex with them. I've had relationships with both men and women, and I think that sometimes this sexuality confusion arises from a "grass is always greener," type of consideration-like, "I'm happy with my boyfriend now, but what if I'm MEANT to be with women?" that's almost what makes it so hot as a fantasy, because (I think someone else mentioned it) it's not your reality.
If you honestly feel, OP, that your sexuality is solidifying into something you never thought it was, then you should probably talk to your boyfriend. Otherwise, like Foxxy said, wouldn't worry.

Great points. Why toss away a relationship if there's no indication she's not actually attracted to her boyfriend anymore? I think this is a good sort of "wait and see" situation-if she's not feeling unhappy or unfulfilled otherwise, fantasizing about other people is not necessarily a sign of wanting to cheat or even needing to have sex with them. I've had relationships with both men and women, and I think that sometimes this sexuality confusion arises from a "grass is always greener," type of consideration-like, "I'm happy with my boyfriend now, but what if I'm MEANT to be with women?" that's almost what makes it so hot as a fantasy, because (I think someone else mentioned it) it's not your reality.
If you honestly feel, OP, that your sexuality is solidifying into something you never thought it was, then you should probably talk to your boyfriend. Otherwise, like Foxxy said, wouldn't worry.

Oh, man. This was me almost 15 years ago. Didn't think my fantasies about women were a big deal, since I was so happy/relieved to have met my boyfriend (now husband of 10 years). We had a lot of work to do after acknowledging that I prefer women, but we worked through our respective shit and still intend to be together 'til we're old + crazy.

So now we're in our own version of an open relationship, with the understanding that I can date women + he can, too, but doesn't want to at the moment. This is my own story, not yours, obviously. But I never in a million years thought I'd be in an open relationship. It just evolved through the years + makes good sense to us.

Sometimes I wish I'd had the opportunity to date women before I met him, or before we got married. But that would've changed where we are now. And I'm very happy w/ the now! Good luck to you. So great that you're examining this now. Trust yourself.

ME -- VERBATIM. Seriously.

My fantasies have always been predominately about women, and I've been in a hetero relationship with the love of my life for six years. And for a long time, I couldn't figure it out either. Then, I think I did.

My fantasies are about whatever I'm not getting in real life. Sex with women. Sex with older men. Sleazy sex. Sex where, for some reason, I'm a blonde. Sex in situations I would NEVER want in real life.

So, maybe my fantasies are fairly detached from real life desires. Aside from sexual fantasies, I sometimes fantasize about being a crazy rich stay-at-home mom/wife, like Carmella Soprano. (Go ahead and laugh, it's crazy as balls.) Do I want this in reality? No. But my life is full of responsibility and stress, so it's fun to fantasize about things that offer what I can't get in real life, which doesn't mean I'd want to see them realized.

In other words, I imagine that if you (or I) were in a long-term relationship with a woman, we would probably be fantasizing about only men.

This post is sort of crazy, because I'm in the exact same boat! In real life, I can only imagine myself dating men, having romantic relationships with men, marrying men.... but my fantasies often involve girls, and sometimes I check out girls. I keep fighting with myself - am I straight or bisexual? I have come to the conclusion that no one is ever completely 100% straight or completely gay or even completely bi. Were all different and we can't always restrict ourselves with one category. I feel kind of relieved I'm not alone in this. :)

This...is exactly my situation, with genders reversed.

I'm a bisexual woman in my first serious relationship, with another woman (I'm a bit older than the letter writer, though, got a late start). It's been freaking me out how much my fantasies have been drifting towards men since we got together, especially when things are particularly intense between us. I don't want to break up with her to date men, so why is this in my head now?

I think the Professor's point 2 is absolutely true. Stressing about it makes it more intense, and hotter, and more disturbing, until you're really driving yourself crazy. When you figure out how not to stress, though, let me know.

zp27 said: "Why toss away a relationship if there's no indication she's not actually attracted to her boyfriend anymore?"

Definitely. Long-distance relationships are very often hard anyway. Worrying too much about one's masturbatory fantasies might get in the way of examining some of the more pragmatic obstacles to continuing. Sort of the worst-case scenario would be to wind up feeling guilty because of the fantasy after a possible breakup instead of grappling with, resolving, or at least accepting the everyday reasons such relationships fade away.

But I'd also like to turn zp27's remark on its head because there's another point about fantasies. Why toss away a fantasy either? Ever since Nancy Friday sort of pulled masturbatory fantasies out of the "closet" researchers have noticed that for a lot of people fantasies lose their intensity when they're acted on -- even if if you thoroughly enjoy it.

A nice short-hand way to say it is that there's a difference between erotic fantasy and sexual attraction. (One can fantasize about The Rock but not be attracted to him when you met face to face.) So the best advice I could offer Me would be to enjoy the fantasies but not worry about acting them out till she meets a real-life, non-fantasy woman who floats her real-life, non-fantasy boat. (The advise ought to work no matter what combination one's own and/or one's fantasy partners gender, orientation, transition status, etc. might be.)

figleaf

p.s. also, what bnr said about Prof. Foxy's point #2.

I agree with a lot of what Professor Foxy said and I think it's great that this person has found herself to be so deeply in love after 9 months with her boyfriend.

To play devil's advocate, however, she is also 21 years old and contemplating spending the rest of her life with him. I guess I've always thought of your 20s as being a time to experiment and figure out who you are (at least the early 20s). One of the more regretful things that could happen would be to keep the relationship going, and NOT follow her desire to try dating a woman and have this haunt her down the road.

I think it's a pretty standard thing to fantasize about the things that we don't have or cant have, not just sexually but in all aspects of life. If you're broke you're going to dram of not being broke, if you're hungry for pudding and there isn't any in the house (a frequent fantasy of mine) you're going to fantasize about pudding.....mmmmm, pudding.

I'm in a relationship right now where I'm both emotionally happy and physically very satisfied, but the few sexual dreams I can recall do often involve sexual acts that do not exist in the context of this relationship. It's not a reflection of some "lack" on the part of my partner but more a reflection of the general human condition. We always long for the thing we don't have. It's probably why we have fantasy, as the dream is a form of release and fulfillment.

Also I look a lot like The Rock (we both have two eyes and a face, and arms and legs, etc. So we're really similar) but am not a Republican.

If my boyfriend still occasionally checks Feministing, I have a feeling he's going to think "Me" is me. Maybe. Or at least one of the commenters (although clearly he would not be false at this point!)