Foxy is absolutely right and I'd like to share with you some information on my lost virginity. I am a highly sensual and sexual individual. I'm also independent and feminist, and I often felt foolish about the fact that despite all the noise I make about how attracted I am to certain people, I'd not had sex yet.

I waited until I was 25. I did it with someone I loved and trusted, even if we weren't in a serious relationship. He's still a very close friend to this day (his best friend married my sister in fact, so he's stuck with me! LOL!)

Anyway. I was two years older than you are now and I thought I would never have sex. But I did. And I hit the ground running, as it were. Then I got used to it and it wasn't a big deal anymore.

I would not have lost my virginity any other way. I am so very glad I waited. I wasn't embarrassed about my first time. It wasn't the best sex ever but I treasure that night. I treasure the moment and I smile when I think of it. It didn't hurt cause I was ready - I'd played with toys for years and I wasn't afraid, so there wasn't any resistance. It felt natural and it felt right. I feel blessed that I had such a good first time.

And I know the best decision I could have made was to listen to my heart, and not the cultural pressures around me.

Have faith in your judgement. You will know the right time. You are no less a feminist or a person just because you're waiting for the right moment to try that particular intimate interaction. And I found that, for me, it wasn't quite as meaningful or enjoyable if it wasn't something that had some weight behind it. If it's just sex for the sake of sex, yeah, it's fun, but it's kinda like a hamburger. It's yummy and all, but you kinda feel hungry after eating it, and you wish you hadn't eaten it in the first place. But that's just me, I'm sure there are a lot of people of either sex that thoroughly enjoy casual intercourse.

Anyway, I just wanted to reassure you and to let you know that you're not strange or unusual. You're doing what's right for you, and that's the best thing anyone can do.

I first had sex when I was just shy of 23. At the time I felt like I was the only person who had waited so long, but I also didn't really care about that too much. I just didn't feel ready.

Even though I felt like a late bloomer at the time, in the intervening years I've learned of many women who waited as long or longer. I'm 26 now and some of my friends still haven't had sex -- and I run in feminist-minded circles, so it's not a social-coercion thing. It's definitely "normal" to be a virgin at 22, or 23, or 24. And honestly even though it's only been three and a half years, I feel like I've been having sex forever -- by that I mean it's not like I regret all those pre-22 years when I wasn't having sex. I don't feel like I missed out on anything. My sex life has been pretty fulfilling so far.

The question of how big of a deal it "should" be is a tricky one, because it depends entirely on you. I had always thought I needed my first time to be meaningful or important. But I just kind of woke up one day and was like, "I'm ready to have sex." I had been casually seeing a friend so I basically told him, "Hey I want to have sex with you." We did and I have never regretted it. We fooled around together for a summer and then parted ways, but we're still friends today -- he's getting married now and I'm very happy for him. That's not how I would have pictured it all unfolding when I was 21, or 19, or 16, thinking about My First Time, but today, at 26, I'm actually very comfortable with it and I wouldn't change any of it.

So I don't think that it has to be particularly special or meaningful. But I also don't think that you (general you) should do it just to do it. Do it because you want to; wait because you want to. I feel like as long as you listen to what you really want, and act accordingly, then you can't really make a bad choice.

I'm 25 and I'm still a virgin!

I can totally understand wanting to do it with the love of your life etc.

I also understand feeling not normal and wanting to get rid of it....but still not wanting to do it for the wrong reasons. (I'm Roman Catholic too, go figure!)

On whether or not to do it with this guy, I think it depends on what you want the experience to be like---you just have to manage your expectations. Like, if you really want to start your penis-in-vagina education with someone you can communicate with, but it doesn't have to have fireworks, then I say go for it.

Either way it sounds, you haven't met The One yet and that will continue to be the great unknown even after you break up with this guy.......so if you define sex as Fireworks---whether you sleep with this guy or not, you're still gonna have to wait for the Fireworks (therefore, you're not missing out on anything).

I hope that made sense!

I agree with Prof. Foxy. Wait till it's right for you, and then it's ok. I'm 23 and I'm still a virgin and I'm a feminist. I have no qualms with this because it's what is right for me. I'm tempted to remain a virgin for the rest of my life because it makes me different. This all may change once I find the right person, but with my batting average that seems less likely.

I have a slightly different perspective ... I waited until I was in my mid-20s as well, largely because I just didn't date anyone until that point that I particularly enjoyed hooking up with, and I wanted to at least have a chance at enjoying sex the first time. I finally started dating a guy when I was 24 whom I liked a lot and enjoyed very much, and so I slept with him fairly early in the relationship - about 2 months in. He was fantastic, and I actually wound up marrying him a couple of years later. I adore him and am happily married, but I have a lot of regret that I didn't experiment more when I had the chance. I'd say go for it with the guy who is moving away. I think we put way too much importance on a girl's first time, and you should just enjoy it.

I also think we put too much pressure on "the first time". I lost my virginity at 16, I really wasn't ready, but all my friends were already sexually active. Plus, I really didn't understand that I could change my mind once it started. So my first time pretty much sucked, but I've moved on from it. Plus I've had a chance to re-do the first time every time I have sex with a new partner. Infact, the first time with my husband was everything I thought it was supposed to be back when I was 16.

Great post, as usual Foxy.

I think it boils down to our nation putting WAY too much emphasis on sex. Especially women having sex. And especially women having sex the first time.

I think this is really not at all surprising given our Judeo-Christian heritage. And lets not forget that patriarchy has always had a strong influence on religious doctrine. And as a result, men in power (both religious and secular) have a vested interest in attached strong importance to sexual intercourse, especially with regards to female sexuality.

My advice is for us to overcome our antiquated notions of sexuality and accept the fact that we are all human. Sex is a human experience and a human desire. Most people want it and most people engage in it. It is something that we are biologically constructed to enjoy (when conducted properly). So if one's beliefs are making this very human and very natural experience painful, frightening, or shameful, than those beliefs should be dropped. I am not saying people need to be agnostic or un-religious, but we just need to adapt our religous/moral beliefs to incorporate the ubiquity of sexual desire, in all its forms and expressions (hetero, homo, etc).

I enjoy reading your posts Foxy. Keep up the good work!

Yeah, I agree with Professor Foxy - only you can make this decision.

I wonder if you should think about why you want to have sex with this guy, and what's holding you back.

There are plenty of good reasons to have sex - to express your feelings for this guy, because you wonder what it's like (and wanting to try new experiences is a very normal and necessary part of growing up) and lastly, because you're just, well, horny.

'I should have done it by now' is NOT a good reason, though - don't feel weird.

I think this is a pretty ideal situation; you're clearly with someone you care a lot about, and are very comfortable with.

If you feel awkward about being a virgin at 22, it's only going to get more so when you're 25 or 30. (Not that there's anything *wrong* with waiting until then, just to say that if it bothers you now, it will then).

Also, you say your new job won't leave you time to meet people, so how long is it going to be before you meet someone else you care about as much as your current guy? Picking up a random stranger in a bar really doesn't sound like your thing, and that is not going to magically change in 5 or 10 years. So if you ended up doing that just to get it over with, you'd probably regret that a lot more.

So, if you really want to get it over with, you may as well do it now. I would add that the first time isn't *that* big a deal, much as a huge deal is made of it. Many people feel like 'is that - it?' (myself included).

I do wonder if some vestiges of the 'nice girls don't' thing is what's causing your conflicted feelings here. You realise that this is outdated, but perhaps your subsconscious mind doesn't. You clearly don't see a future with this guy. Perhaps part of you wants to wait, if not for marriage, for someone you are in a committed long-term relationship with. Whether that's realistic is up to you - you can choose to 'de-program' yourself from that, by telling yourself that, you know, choosing to have sex with one person you care a lot about doesn't make you the evil harlot because you weren't married and don't see a future with them. Or, you can live with it.

This might help, although it's aimed at teens, it is really helpful:

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/boyfriend/ready_or_not_the_scarleteen_sex_readiness_checklist

Whatever you decide, good luck.

L, you say "we've done everything else ever there is to do already"... well I'm sorry to break it to you, but in that case you've already had sex!

Masturbation or oral, having orgasms with your partner - that *is* sex.

It is indicative of our patriarchal society that penis-in-vagina is seen as 'the main event' and that this act alone constitutes 'sex'. What about lesbian women? When do they 'lose their virginity'? If you think about this question then it becomes clear that physical intimacy, nakedness, touching of genitals etc is the real boundary, and as you say, you've already crossed it. In that sense, you're no longer a virgin.

Personally I don't feel it makes sense to set up a distinction between PIV and all other sexual acts, marking PIV out as particularly special - especially as many women cannot orgasm through PIV alone. In this way our society marks out the most important sexual act as being the one most pleasurable for men, and the one linked with procreation.

Our society has fostered a lot of anxiety about when and with who to have this special type of sex... and for women, it's hyped up to be this really big deal. (Presumably this stems from old cultural and religious traditions which dictated that women be virgins until marriage.) Caught up in this seems to be a worry that once you have had PIV with person A, future PIV with person B won't be as special, and so therefore you should wait for person B (i.e. until you're in love).

When you have PIV - or any type of sex - with someone you love, it's always special - it doesn't matter whether you're a 'virgin' or not. In fact, the more sex you have, the better it generally gets.

All this is a roundabout way of saying that you shouldn't feel any anxiety about having PIV with this man you're seeing... PIV is just one way to stimulate your sexual organs (albeit a way that needs more precautions) and you've already done that in other ways. Any particular specialness attached to the act is psychological. Do it, or don't do it... but don't worry about it.

I was 20 and it was with a friend who I HAD loved (crushed on), but no longer felt much for him and knew it wasn't going to be a relationship.

Really, I only wanted to get it over with. I knew I was ready for sex, but not for a real relationship, and I was curious as hell about what all the fuss was over.

I was so relieved after it was over. It really IS no big deal and I felt better once I knew that for sure, despite what society was telling me about having sex.

So just wanting to not be a virgin is not a "good enough" reason for some to have sex, but it really worked out for me. I'll just echo what others have said and say that you should trust yourself and what you want.

1. Normal doesn't mean good. I lost my virginity at 15 while drunk in a tent. The guy was totally hot and I wanted it, but the sex sucked (actually, it hurt a lot) and mid-coitus I realized my drunk friend were watching and giggling through a crack. I'd say that was relatively normal (as many of us lose our virginities young and while drinking), but that doesn't make it good.

For the record, there was no "coercion" -- two horny drunk kids wanting to do it. And, it should be noted, that I have no regrets. Most of my teenage sex was bad and just sort of a prerequisite for the good stuff that came later.

Do what's right for you. That said, I can say that, FOR ME, I would have hated to have had too few partners. I feel like everyone experiences Beginner Sex which eventually leads to Intermediate and Advanced sex. And while it might be possible to have all of these w/one or a few partners, I think it would be difficult. (It's about you realizing what you like in bed, and it might be difficult for you and your sex to change if it's with the same people.) But that's just me.

Most importantly, don't build it up!! When it happens, it's going to be silly and strange and fun. And I think everyone -- even those who wait until marriage -- should view that first time (or first few times) as a test run. The important sex is the sex you have your whole life, not the first time. It probably won't predict or determine anything about your sex thereafter (assuming that it's a healthy, mutually consensual event).

I stayed a virgin for similar reasons until a similar age---and have many friends who have gone though the same thing, actually! We all went from a conservative area into places that introduced us to feminism. I didn't have sex until I was 22, and I have friends that are 24 and still have not---though they would if the right relationship came along now.

I think when you come from a religious background it can be tough to let go of the feeling that you should be with the person for a long time or be in love with them or whatever to have sex with them. It's perfectly okay to set those metrics for your own sexual pace---but it can also be hard to just say "I like this person, I trust this person, I want to have sex with them---so I will." Religion teaches that you have to have a certain bar or rule that must be met, and it can be tough to let go of that entirely.

Hi L, hi Prof. Foxy,

not sure, but maybe my perspective can help a little. I'm a guy, and while I'm not the 40yo virgin, I am a 33 yo virgin. I've felt awkward about not having had sex since I was about 16, but to be honest, looking back with hindsight, I'm not sure I was ready back then. I was simply too afraid and ran away whenever (rarely, as women usually still aren't particularly aggressive with this kind of thing) a girl and later woman made it understood what she wanted. In my case it's not just Religion but also a bit of a bad education in this respect in general and a little bit of a generalized anxiety issue.

So, in a way, I didn't have sex for all the wrong reasons, but also all the right reasons, as I wasn't ready. But on the other hand, not having had sex didn't make it easier either. In fact, it became this HUGE thing in my mind that in the end stood between me having real and fulfilling relationships to this day. To be clear: I'm not short of opportunities with women for both short and long term relationships. But I, to this day, never picked them up.

And I suppose part of the reason is my internalisation not of the "you have to have had sex by 18" anymore, but the fact that I have now internalized a checklist like that given by butterlywings above - and in a way, waiting for the perfect moment is putting just as much pressure on someone who is actually doing that, as opposed to most people, who look at lists and then go on with their lives. In a way, the problem is that with the risk discourse gaining strength in the sexuality context, particularly risk averse people can be affected in their ability to act spontaneously.

From my perspective I can tell you that it took me years to accept my state, and no longer feel ashamed to tell my friends. I have told women I was interested in, and it wasn't usually something that they particularly appreciated. In most cases we're still friends, one of them is even a particularly close friend now, but their sexual interest ended apparently a minute after me telling them. Usually they don't understand given that I'm usually so very comfortable around women and how they are usually so very comfortable around and attracted to me. The weird thing is that while I desire actual PIV a lot, I'm also still afraid of actually doing it due to the "must be ready" and perfect risk discourse, particularly given that at my age people have usually had a bit of practice (and so I'm demanding of myself to act that way), but I'm not particularly unhappy with my current level of sexuality - say about four extended make out sessions per year after which I'm either to scared to move things on myself, or tell the women about my situation and they back off, as per above.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that - "getting over with it" before "it" stands in the way of your personal psychological and emotional development may be an option to consider. Of course, for some people, not having had sex will not lead to being limited in their options, and maybe that is still easier for women than for men - that's possibly the only advantage of the "slut shaming" discourse. But if you feel that not having done "it" now would limit your future ability to find the kind of relationship you like, or that you would develop a dysfunctional habit to wait for the perfect occasion (like me) in that case, maybe doing it to get it done could be an option.

Just my 2 ct. - all the best with whatever you decide!

I would like to add my voice by saying that my best friend and I are both 24 and both still virgins for various reasons. I don't think there is ANYTHING at all wrong with waiting until you feel you are ready and the moment is right, whatever that means for you.

I hate to be off topic but I have question I wanted to ask you guys for a very long time. is it weird to want to wait untill marriage? I originally wanted to because I felt that was right(I guess it because of my religion although I don't want to admit it.) now at 19 going to college with different views of my religion and I'm wondering should I wait. I kinda like the idea of having sex with someone I care. But I don't know. ( MY family is VERY liberal and my mom if I ever had sex not to use protection)

thanks! reading you guys comments was very reassuring.

I'm 25 and still have not had sex. And I absolutely refuse to call it my "virginity".

I was raised in a RC family as well and that's probably why I'm pushing against the label. It isn't something special that I'll be giving to a man. I find that entire concept offensive. My sexuality is not something I want to be commodified. It is not a gift of my purity that I bestow to the worthy candidate.

I'm not waiting for the right man or the right anyone. I'm not really waiting at all.

ooops I meant to write "my mom said if I ever had sex to USE protection" may bad.

" My sexuality is not something I want to be commodified. It is not a gift of my purity that I bestow to the worthy candidate. I'm not waiting for the right man or the right anyone. I'm not really waiting at all."
I'm going to make cards with that quote and give it to people who try to hit on me.hehehehe

Most of the comments here seem to be from people who are or were in the same position as you. I'd like to offer a different perspective: I was 15 the first time I had sex of any kind, just over four years ago. It was just about as awful as consensual sex can be-- although, actually, it was statutory rape, so I guess it wasn't fully consensual. I still have flashbacks, and I wish I had waited. I guess my point is this: you may regret waiting, but you'll regret it a whole helluva lot more if you have sex with the wrong person. I don't mean to scare you, and I know that 22 is quite different from 15. I just want you to know that there are worse things than waiting!

I waited to have sex until I was 26. It was with someone I loved and who loved me back. On one hand, it was the best decision. That was my first real relationship and I cannot look back and identify any time before that where I would have been comfortable having sex.

On the other hand, waiting so long made sex a much bigger deal, as a few posters have noted. For me and my partner, the issue of sex became a very serious thing and (for various and sundry reasons) fraught with turmoil. After four years, we broke up and problems related to sex was one of the reasons.

Since then I have dated and have had sex with other partners. For the first time, it has been casual and fun. For years I was so self-conscious about sex, but now I feel completely liberated.

I guess I'm saying that I wish I had been able to approach that serious relationship with more confidence when it came to sex. Experience has given me confidence. As someone else mentioned, early relationships are often "practice" and help us become more aware of what we want, sexually and otherwise. If you have found someone that you feel comfortable and safe with, someone that you trust, then maybe you should go for it? Not to get "it" over with, but to give you more perspective about what you want and like.

Of course, this is just my own perspective and it may not relate at all to what you are thinking and feeling. I agree with Prof Foxy that you should do what feels right. You know yourself best and will make the decision that's right for you. But whether you do choose to have sex now or wait another 10 years, please know that you aren't alone. There are many 20-something feminist virgins in the world.

I completely disagree with Foxy about the whole break in connection makes it safer. I feel like that takes away potential for further meaning, and for me meaning is what really makes sex fantastic. Not ALL the meaning, but a certain potential..

I think sex is something that is so over-the-top talked about that our society makes it a HUGE part of everyone's lives, when in reality for some it really isn't that big of a deal. For others, daily all the time must have it.

Personally, I say wait. Wait only because you'll be able to find the person you are more comfortable with than anyone else in the world. Wait until you find someone you could literally fart in front of, because it enables you to just sit back and enjoy the experience, rather than try to conform to what society tells us we should do when we're in bed. And honestly, wait for someone you love because really, sex is so beautiful when it's an expression of love. That doesn't mean wait until marriage, that means wait until love.

You could have sex outside of real, true love, and it would be fine. Honestly, it probably would be a lot of fun. There is absolutely nothing wrong with doing that! Truly, and if that's what you really decide you want then just do it without inhibition! But I have to say that the first person I had sex with is definitely going to be the last, and I feel so blessed for that. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having as many partners as you want, but for me this fit perfectly. If you feel this would fit you too, you have that opportunity. It does take a bit of personal reflection though.

It really isn't a big deal though. Rather similar to a huge tampon being stuck in you....

Good luck in your decision!

This is totally something I've dealt with, too. Although I'm only 20, being in college and a virgin sometimes makes me feel like a failure. Like L, I started off intending to remain a virgin until marriage (although not for religious reasons... my schools focused on it during Sex Ed, trying to convince the students that having Teh Premarital Sechs would turn us into diseased delinquents... ah, the South). Eventually, I realized that I would rather have sex outside of marriage, but the Right Moment just hasn't happened yet.

For me, a lot of the pressure comes from the media. In movies and on TV shows, it seems like the only way to solidify a relationship is by having sex. Furthermore, the media tends to portray college (and sometimes high school) as this hotbed of sexual activity where no one does anything but have sex all day long. That's far from the truth.

It's taken a lot of time and energy for me to realize that I'm not some freak of nature for NOT having sex by this point. I think that journalists et al. don't seem to realize that their focus on "Hookup Culture" really alienates young adults who don't choose not to have sex (awk wording, sorry), but just haven't had the right person/moment come along.

It was very weird reading this question for Professor Foxy, because it felt like I could have easily asked the same one!! 22 1/2... yup. Roman Catholic background... oh yeah. My name even starts with L!! The only difference is that my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years and we are moving in together in the fall. I have not had PIV (which is what I mean when I use the word "sex" by the way), although he has had sex with previous partners. I do consider us a fairly sexual couple though, and we too have done "everything else there is to do already."

I guess I've never really considered my virginity as being a feminist problem. Out of my friends from high school, I am the only one still holding to so-called V-card, but a few of my friends from college have decided to wait. I think it's a personal choice, one that all of my friends have made for different reasons. I have encountered some people that act shocked or even a few times appalled ("why would you never want to have sex? do you not like sex? do you not like men?" ummm okaaaaay) that I have not had sex yet.

I never set out to wait for marriage. In fact, when I was in high school I used to say I would lose my virginity when I graduated college, or when I turned 20, or when I turned 21... Then I finally realized that the ABSOLUTE worst reason to have sex with someone is because you want to no longer be a virgin. If you're curious about sex, that's a great reason! If you're ever kissing or etc with someone and want to take it further to see what it's like, then I would say that's great. But because you think it's weird that you're the only one? I do recognize that feeling, but every time that's popped into my head I just sorta told myself that I wouldn't do something else because I was the only one who hasn't done it--I would only do it because I honestly want to.

Honestly I do believe that my Catholic upbringing has a LOT to do with me waiting to have sex. I do not by any means believe that having sex outside of marriage is wrong (by Catholic standards, I have already breached that rule anyway because of the "other" stuff). I also recognize that my own self-diagnosed hypochondria has something to do with it--I once convinced myself I was pregnant, while I was on the pill, while I had never had sex. But the reasons for holding off on sex are just as varied as the reasons for having sex. I do think (although I may be wrong, since I've never made the decision) that this is the kind of decision you should be very sure about before you decide. Some make it more easily than others, but I just think (for me at least) that if there's any bit of uncertainty left, it might be a good idea to wait a little while longer.

But again, this is me. Everyone is different. I'm just glad that there's a place like this where people with varying experiences can share without worrying about being judged :)

I waited until I was 24 and had been engaged for 5 months. I had always intended to wait until marriage, but one night I realized I was no longer waiting because it was important to me, I was waiting because I was afraid of what all my church friends would say. At which point I called 2 friends for guidance, talked it over with the man in question for 45 minutes, and went for it. We have our own bizarre form of romance.

I agree that the longer you wait, the bigger deal it becomes. And I agree that you'd be surprised what you'll regret or not. The thing is, there's really no way to be sure you're making the right decision when you walk into this. You can make sure that you're married, or that you love the other person, or that you'll never see the other person again so you don't have to be embarrassed, or whatever your own personal requirement is, but THERE IS NO WAY TO BE SURE. So don't sweat it. Just like accepting a job, or ordering something off a menu, or agreeing to go on a date, there is no way to be sure from the start that it's the right choice. You just have to be sure as you can, and then commit. If it turns out to have been the wrong decision, well, that happens sometimes, but that's life. Sex isn't magical enough that it's exempt from mistakes.

Having sex for the first time can be a risk. If you decide that it's worth it, then go for it. If not, there's no harm in waiting, and no shame in being a 25 (or 30 or 80 or whatever) year old virgin. Feminism doesn't require you to be sexual. Feminism only demands that you make your own choice about it.

Something that worries me about your post is that the main reasons you state for thinking of having sex have to do with your environment - that it's weird to still be a virgin at 22, that all your friends have done it, that feminist discourse encourages you to have sex. And that kind of thing should be irrelevant in your decision. You should have sex when you want to and feel ready, whether that's tomorrow, in ten years' time or never. Frankly, I'm worried that you're feeling pressured, and that's not a good state to be in when making this kind of decision.

I'm coming at this from a different place than most comments - I'm twenty-three, have not had sex and don't plan to ever do so as I'm asexual. And if that's weird, I'll be so with pride! Given that background, there's also one thing I'd like to say about this part of your post:

as a feminist and a student of women's studies, I'm very much surrounded by writing and thinking that advocates women to take charge of their sexuality and be sexual and have sex if they want to

As an asexual, I've had some bitter experiences regarding this kind of environment. Although I firmly believe in the ideals of sex-positivism, in practice the way people construct it can wind up putting pressure on people to be sexual and painting people who don't want to have sex as immature or repressed. There's often an undercurrent running through it that sexual empowerment = having sex, and I'd urge you to be careful of that. Fact is, taking charge of your sexuality means not having sex if you don't want to just as much as having sex if you do want to. Not having sex (for whatever amount of time) can be just as valid a form of sexual empowerment as any sexual activity you get up to. Which is not to say that you shouldn't have sex - if you decide you want to, great! I hope you enjoy it! Just don't let yourself get pressured into it, and don't believe that because you're in a feminist environment it must necessarily be free of such pressure.

please do not worry about it being strange and unusual! you might find it funny that i'm 22, too and i worry that i haven't dated enough people! even though i've had sex before, i've only dated one person, and it's been years since that ended. you're worried that it's strange that you haven't had sex, but we all worry about something that makes us "unusual." you are YOU. whenever you decide to have sex, whenever relationships come along, or whenever these things don't happen, it's what makes you YOU. it NEVER does us good to compare ourselves to others. we all have our own timelines that to some extent we have control over and to some extent we don't.

anyway, try listening to what your urges are telling you, not what everyone else is doing or has done. that's my two cents of advice.

I wanted to say something about the 'specialness' of having sex for the first time. I did it when I was 20, and at the time I was very excited/nervous/etc... I thought of it as a big step, and all my friends had already done it, so I felt a bit behind the times. However, like many other posters, I felt very much like "was that.. it?" afterward. In hindsight, it wasn't having sex for the first time that stands out as a memorable experience in my sexual development, but rather having an orgasm with a partner for the first time. Now THAT is an afternoon I remember well, and it wasn't even during PIV sex - it was a handjob! But I still think of it as an incredibly special and almost sacred sexual experience. My point is that it's not the deed itself that, for me, was a big deal in the long run. Rather, it was the sexuality combined with emotional intimacy and shared pleasure that I cherish now.

In response to the OP - I think you should do it if you're curious and feel mostly ready to do it - I don't think anyone ever feels completely prepared.. (how can you?) Don't do it to catch up, though. There's no point in that. If you have sex, do it as the beginning of a process of sexual growth that will last your entire life. Understand that it only gets better, and also that not all sex has to be life-changing.. most of it isn't. Take your time, enjoy yourself, and have fun! Like most things, it's quality, not quantity!

I was 22 before I had any kind of sexual activity, and I, too, felt like the last virgin on the planet. I wasn't. You're not. Trust yourself and you'll be fine.

Seriously, it matters exactly zilch whether you're "normal" or not. What matters is whether or not you feel ready, and feel like you're with the right person.

It doesn't have to be love, but if you want to be in love first, wait for that. For myself, I'm really glad I wound up just having sex with a friend I trusted when it came to the first time. It was low-pressure and fun. Overall, though, I'm not a fan of casual sex; the first time I had sex with someone I was actually in love with, it was mind-blowing. Not because the actual physical sensation was exceptional (we'd done enough already that he knew my body and responses well, and he was very willing to do what I needed him to in order to enjoy myself, but I'd had other partners who were good that way before) but because I felt connected and happy to be there with him, and there was lovey snuggling afterward.

Anyway, basically . . . casual sex is fun. Lovey sex is fun. One comes with strings attached and the other doesn't. For me, which one I want very much depends on where I'm at in that particular time in my life. If you want it both on a physical and emotional level (and the emotional can be either "I'm madly in love" or simply "I feel ready to do this and I want to explore it") then go for it. If one of those isn't in place, run away! Avoid! Avoid! Wait for something you feel will be a positive experience. :)

L, you're not the only one. I'm also 22 and a virgin. In my case it's because I'm not very social and haven't really dated.

My advice, which is worth twice what you're paying for it, is that if you feel a need to ask somebody else whether you should or shouldn't do this thing, don't do it. An easy way to know when the time is right is, when even if somebody were to advise you not to do it, you'd still go ahead and do it anyway.

jayjay33, I didn't mean to make you feel bad by posting that checklist.

It isn't meant to be exhaustive. It does say:
'Realistically, even most adults will not check every single thing on this list.'

That said, I think it's pretty sensible, and anyone who can't tick most of the items probably *shouldn't* be having sex, for their own physical and mental health.

But I agree that waiting for the 'perfect' time is not healthy, and that was what I was saying to L.

(Also agree with others that PIV sex is not the only or 'real' sex, which the article also points out. It is, however, most likely to lead to pregnancy, STIs etc.)

You are not weird at all. I didn't lose mine until I was 21, when it felt right to do for myself. Really in the end it is what feels right for you.

Is it weird to be a 26-year-old male and not to have had a first kiss yet? :(

I have nothing substantive to add to the many great comments here, except that I was in my early 30s before I had (penetrative vaginal) sex.

Partly that was because I wound up in a long-term relationship with someone who had erectile/performance issues--but even had that not been the case, I would have been 25 or 26 before I had sex. And lots of my feminist friends were 23, 24, 25.

It was no big deal when it eventually happened with a subsequent BF, though I'm happy it was with someone I cared about. And looking back (it's now been a couple of years), I wouldn't even say that he was my "first," in any way that matters, since I'd been sexually intimate for years, and with a number of men, before him.

Those who are most important to our love lives--to our sexual growth and self-confidence--aren't those we do certain, specified acts with.

I'm late to this thread, but let me add that I lost mine when I was 23 to someone I was casually dating at the time. I'd grown tired of waiting for Mr. Right and just wanted to get it over with.

He was pretty surprised to find out I was a virgin - and I can't say he was all that happy about it. It was all pretty bad, not because it hurt or anything. Just because it was awkward and I didn't really know him and he was expecting someone more experienced.

But I don't regret it at all. I just wanted to demystify it and not make it such a big deal in my life. No regrets, except I wish I'd done it waaaay sooner.

I'm making a doc on virginity and also write blog on the subject. If anyone is interested in contributing your story, or just interested in checking it out, it's called The American Virgin. theamericanvirgin.blogspot.com.

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