I don't really think she's being hypocritical. She can't help who she is attracted to; moreover, why should she? Just because she is overweight doesn't mean she doesn't "deserve" a thin man or something. If she was thin and attracted to fat men, would that be hypocritical? It's the way our society views weight and attraction that makes her situation seem like hypocrisy. I really believe it isn't, though.

I agree with everything else in this column, and I'm sorry this woman feels like it's her fault she hasn't found the right person. It's not!

Well, it is hard get people who are more physically attractive than you to want to be with you. So I would encourage you to both lower your own standards and build yourself up by trying to lose weight.

As for a hidden code, I really don't think there's much to it. Most of it is just showing interest and being receptive to male attention, or better yet just ask the guys out and hit on them.

Contrary to popular belief, men do look at more than your appearance and you can win men over by being charming, although this works better with older men. To get men to like you, you have to be someone they want to be friends with. This is best accomplished if you are very funny and know how to make fun of them without hurting their feelings.

I wouldn't worry too much about not knowing how to flirt, my mum says she has no idea how to flirt, either, and she's been happily married for almost 25 years.. :)

I'm not-thin myself, plus I'm geeky and used to be painfully shy. She almost sounds like me, years ago. My insecurity used to drive people away, but instead of introspecting and asking myself hard questions about how I presented myself, I just wallowed in self pity. I would be attracted to unattainable men that would never return my affections. It was very depressing!
So, my advice would be, positive, happy people attract others. I started by working out, not to conform to some ideal (I'm usually between a size 14-16, and I've never been below a size 10), but just so I could feel better about myself. I began to appreciate the power and beauty of my body as I realized I really could do things I once thought impossible (like run a 5k). I never became a size 2, but damn if I didn't feel great.
The second thing is, treat everyone with warmth and openness. Look people in the eye, be genuinely interested in what they say. You'd be surprised at the reactions.
Never in my younger days did anyone ever tell me I was beautiful. But now, men and women regularly tell me so, strangers even. BUT, my outside really hasn't changed much at all! So, it had nothing to do with my physical being.
I firmly believe that people of all sizes can be beautiful.

I would like to assure you that this will become less of an issue as time goes on. I was much more insecure at 22 than even a few years later, I think the same is true for a lot of women. As Prof. Roxy said, loving yourself and carrying yourself that way will attract other people.

I, however, would not advise you to try the personal ads specifying your weight. So people should date based on body compatibility rather than personality or just attraction? No, I think it's more important that you become confident in yourself and learn to be open in crowds.

Also, I don't know where you live, but you may find that body standards are more flexible in different parts of America. I'm from Eastern Kentucky (though I now live in Ohio) and skinny is definitely out there. That's not to say that it's a dramatic opposite, but that a "healthy" looking woman that would be considered overweight in other areas seems preferred.

I think exercise is good not just for improving your health but it really gets you in touch with your body. I'm a not-thin woman who goes to the gym and stays between a 14-16 (same as someone else above), but I found that exercising just make me feel more confident. I really got my body and appreciated it, because I spent time each day just being in my body, rather than in other life stuff.

The issue with finding a man has nothing to do with your weight and lack of flirting ability, really! It has everything to do with your self-confidence.

I am very overweight and have never had issues getting with attractive, wonderful men. People always tell me I am gorgeous and beautiful and it has everything to do with the way I carry myself.

Of course, the first thing people are going to notice about you is your appearance and you can't stop that from happening. You just need to make sure that your second and subsequent impressions are about your beautiful smile, your wonderful eyes, the way you laugh, the confidence you exude, your sense of humor, whatever it might be that you take pride in! You need to find a way to be happy with yourself and your appearance; focus on the good, work on what you can change and make peace with anything you can't!

Also, stop looking for a guy. Spend time with yourself. Love yourself. Be involved in things you care passionately about. Be your own best friend. Men will absolutely notice an independent, passionate woman that knows how to be her own person.

When people feel good about themselves they give off a certain energy that other people feel and notice. Use that to your advantage. Feel good about yourself then smile at everyone you see. Greet men with a sincere smile and eye contact and you will get noticed.

Let me add to the already great advice:

Be honest. I used to be just like you and really hated that men didn't read my mind and somehow discover that I liked them. I wanted them to just know, rather than me having to tell them.

I finally started being honest and telling people (not just men) when I liked and appreciated them. I started complimenting people on what I found positive and beautiful about them. I finally let someone know I found them attractive and intellectually stimulating and invited him out for a beer.

It ended up working. :)

I'm surprised people are focusing on the size issue and not the following sentence:

I have anxiety issues and when I realize I like someone, I get nervous around them and avoid them, assuming they will magically come to me.

When I read that, the entire rest of the letter went out the window -- that seems like the main reason she would be having problems getting a relationship started; all the rest is secondary to that. How serious are the anxiety issues? Is she seeing a therapist for them? Can we give some advice on how to set aside that anxiety so that she can open up to people she likes and invite them to return the feeling? I think the concerns she expresses in the first paragraph will mostly work themselves out for her if she can find a way to be confident and open around people she likes.

---------------------

So here's my own advice to the letter-writer, or rather, my own advice to myself several years ago when I was having similar problems: let yourself feel that anxiety, it's okay and even normal to feel awkward and silly and embarrassed around people you like. But when you feel it, don't let it scare you away; recognize what you're feeling and maybe even notice how cute it is that you like someone and are feeling silly for it :) Sit with it for a moment, and once you realize that you're sitting there feeling all weird and haven't yet actually died of embarrassment, muster your nerve and go say hi to the object of your awkward affection. Try to be natural -- you probably won't feel natural at first, but try to be natural anyway -- and just talk to them like a normal human being. Ask them how their day is going, how their weekend was, whatever -- the point isn't so much what you're talking about as it is to talk in general and become more familiar with each other. And keep this in mind -- the worst that can happen is that they can reject you, or even reject you in a particularly jerky fashion; that can hurt, but then you wake up the next morning and it's a new day and there are more people out there to try your luck with, and the possibility of finding someone who does really get you and really like you is certainly worth a few evenings of grumpiness over some jerk (who obviously doesn't know what he's missing) rejecting you :)

Flamingbiatch - absolutely.

My experience has been quite similar to this: I have always been a “woman of size,” shy, and have had to deal with feelings of always being the “ugly one” because of my weight… feelings that I’ve only learned to overcome since I came to university.

My response to this is multi-pronged.
First of all, understand that losing weight is not a panacea. When I’ve lost weight and felt that I was more attractive, I’ve always found myself kind surprised that the men haven’t just started leaping into my arms... it just makes me feel even more confused. The conclusion that I’ve drawn from this and the experiences of others is that it really *is* about personality in so many ways.

Secondly, I have also found that men are absolutely attracted to a much greater variety of body types than those portrayed in the media – you can’t let that crap psych you out. Don’t assume that you are automatically disqualified from being attractive because you are not a size two. I have been in great relationships with guys I found really attractive (I am also into skinny/fit guys) …so they are out there. On an aside, I have come to suspect that it’s guys that are most insecure about their own self image that are the most picky about the appearance of the women they are involved with, and it's probably better not to be involved with that crap anyways.

So yeah, Prof Foxy hit it right on the head – you have to go out there and accept yourself as hot. Being self deprecating won’t get you anywhere. If you are convinced you are hot, it will show. Even if you are not – fake it ‘til you make it… It’s surprisingly effective.

Good luck… and lots of love from someone who’s been there!

I always find it a little suspect when people people are just like, "Well I just happen to only like the most culturally approved of type of body! It's out of my hands!"

As feminists we're always questioning what we're taught about the world around us. Maybe the question asker needs to think about why exactly it is that she only finds thin bodies attractive. In the end, it might also make her feel better about herself.

This isn't about saying she doesn't "deserve" a thin guy, I think everyone should be with someone they love who loves them, and I'm a little disturbed that in our haste to reassure this questioner, people have made a thin male body the validating prize.

Two years ago I could have written this post myself.

I am 23 and have always been a 'bigger girl' and was a late bloomer when it came to sexual interaction. No one ever hit on me, or at least anyone that I wanted to, and all male interaction was strictly friendly. I thought men were intimidated by feminist persona, and my inability to flirt like other girls. I thought most men my age found me unattractive since I wasn't "skinny". I would put pressure on myself to lose weight, as if by shedding 30 pounds magically men would be falling at my feet.

This was bullshit. After years of feeling unworthy I finally realized that if I waited until I was "skinny" to date- or even flirt- I'd be waiting a long time.

This is when the epiphany happened. I just said to myself, "Fuck it. I'm awesome, and I'm going to talk to whomever I feel like." No goal in mind, just talk to boys (or girls if you prefer) and see what the hell happens. And ya know what? People talked back. The more I talked the more I learned how to flirt, and the more comfortable I became. It was fun- the duds make for the funniest stories later.

And I did face rejection, even by my current partner! But nothing ever would have happened if I hadn't put myself out there. Now I tease him about rejecting me and he always says that he's glad I didn't give up, and that is was so totally rad that I asked him out first.

So I guess my take is this- it's ok to let yourself think that you're awesome. It's hard at first, but so worth it, and so fun!

Hi Lonely,

I'm male, but I went through roughly the same thing as you are going through. I basically never had a relationship or even had a hook up all the way to age 29. I was overweight throughout much of this time, but I did lose quite a bit a weight a couple of times during the middle of this period --- enough to be considered quite thin. It didn't help me date, and I would always gain the weight back.

I always assumed that I was too unattractive, or too smart, or had too low of a sex drive to date properly. Dating was incredibly awkward for me, and I would go on a date maybe once a year. It was almost always a disaster for me emotionally. Honestly, near the end, I had pretty much given up on dating.

Last year, I moved back to the metropolitan New York area, where I had grown up. For the twelve years before this, I had lived in various parts of the country, and I never felt at home, or like I could stay there for the rest of my life. After this last move, however, I felt like I was finally settling down. I was no longer anticipating having to pick up and leave for some far away land, and knowing this, I tried my hand at dating again.

Within a week of the move, I went on to Yahoo! Personals, found someone I liked, made a profile, and contacted her. She wrote back, and we had our first date a week later. And then we had our second date. And then a third.

Tonight, we're celebrating the first anniversary of that first date.

I found out a lot of things over this past year. I found out that, even though I am still overweight, there's someone out there that finds me attractive (even if I still don't feel all that attractive myself). I found out that there is someone who loves my mind, and my personality, and even likes my awkwardness. I found that I am not a lousy dater --- in fact, I'm pretty good at it, when I am with the right person. I found out that my sex drive may be low, but it's not non-existent, and it springs to life when I am with someone I love.

I found out what it means to be in love. It's so much better than I never thought it could be. And yes, it was worth the wait.

From a practical standpoint, however, the most important thing I learned that could be applied to your situation is this: I wasn't ready to date before I made that final move back home. I realize now that I couldn't mentally be in a serious relationship until I knew I wasn't going to move again. I needed stability, and I didn't have it, and since I'm just not the type to hook-up or date casually, that meant that I couldn't date. It had nothing to do with my weight, or my personality, or anything else.

I don't know what your situation is, but maybe there is something in your life that is making it difficult for you to be mentally ready to be in a serious relationship, like there was for me. That can be a painful realization, because it may be something that you can't change immediately, but it may help you feel better about yourself if you know the source of your problem, rather than speculating that it is your weight or your personality that is causing the problem (because it almost certainly isn't either of these).

And though I don't know this, I suspect from your description that, like me, you are not the hooking up type. Hooking up is great if you're into hooking up, but don't force yourself to hook up if you don't feel like it. If it's not your thing, it's not your thing.

It comes down to this: don't lose weight and certainly don't change your personality just to be able to date. It's not worth it, and it probably won't be much of a help, assuming that something else is holding you back. Try to do some soul-searching to figure out how your life situation might be affecting your ability to date. And remember, life situations can and do change. Have hope that it is going to get better, because it probably will.

To echo the good advice that's been given already....

Losing weight won't magically cause people to find you attractive -- been there, done that.

Being confident and comfortable with who you are is sexy regardless of what gender you are. Guys who are put off by that are probably guys that you don't want to date anyway.

Guys aren't psychic (either when you're trying to pick them up or in a relationship afterwords). If you avoid them or don't interact with them, they're going to assume you're not interested. And getting rejected can be just as painful for guys (they're just not allowed to show it), so needless to say they're going to avoid expressing interest in someone if they think they're going to get shot down.

As others have suggested, it probably would help to focus becoming friends with a guy first. In fact, I'd set the initial bar ever lower -- set out to just have a nice conversation or a bit of pleasant small talk with a guy. It'll help take the pressure off.

I'm someone who's been socially awkward myself, and I've found there's a lot of value in the adage of "fake it 'til you make it." That's to say, flirting with someone you're interested in may well feel awkward and embarrassing and unnatural at first. But give it time, you'll feel more comfortable with it. The other thing to realize is that to a certain extent is is a numbers game. From what I've seen, the cheesy "10 secrets to picking up women" books/classes are really just giving guys gimmicks that give them the confident to hit on lots and lots of women, and eventually, through sheer numbers, they'll find someone who's interested. (Yes, these guys are usually annoying jerks, but that's a whole other discussion.) So get out there and try flirting with guys, even they're not ones you think you'd want to get serious with. I don't mean flirt with any guy regardless of whether he's a jerk, I mean it in the sense that making small talk with someone in line at Starbucks or whatever gives a chance to practice in a low-stakes context.

Finally, we probably all have our preferences, and that's normal. I'd just encourage you to show the same open-mindedness to guys who aren't your ideal as you probably want from others. If for no other reason than self-interest because it widens the dating pool. Over the years I've had a number of great relationships with people who "weren't my type."

Something I want to say:

If you go out there and start hitting on the object of your affection and the object of your affection turns you down...don't assume it is because you can't flirt or are not crazy skinny. People are turned down for all sorts of random reasons. Not all of which really have to do with you. Not all of which you will be told what they are.

I have a friend who is brawny, smart, good looking, awesome, feminist, funny. She is just excellent. She might describe herself as bigger and unable to flirt. I wouldn't though. She has a really hard time dating and getting it together. Sometimes she reveals to me she believes it to be because she is bigger and unable to flirt or because she is too smart, etc.

As a person not her, I think none of these things are the reasons she has not found love.

I would have asked her out myself, except 1) I'm leaving in a few months and 2) I don't meet her standards.

She won't date men who aren't 6foot or taller. She won't date men who don't really like football. She won't date men who aren't really macho. She won't date men who aren't devout Lutheran. She won't date men who aren't midwestern (we are currently not in the MidWest). She also won't date men who aren't committed feminist, very liberal, and smart and ethical.

She is having a hard time finding that combination. I'm feminist, liberal, and ethical...but I'm also an athiest and 5'6. So...I'm out. All the devout Lutheran macho guys she's met so far have turned out to be Republican anti-feminists.

She deserves to find someone who fits what she wants. It will just be difficult for her. And her lack of success in the romance department is not because she is big or can't flirt.

On the flip side, I have rejected people who have hit on me for the following reasons (among others):

*They were Republican
*They enjoyed playing with Cockroaches
*I was moving out of state within 3 months
*They were settled in their career with a house while I was still a student
*They seemed unhealthily obsessed with Angelina Jolie
*They had every Disney movie ever released on DVD
*They thought me being Trans was hot hot hot and it creeped me out
*They though me a person of color was hot hot hot and it creeped me out
*They thought it would be noble of them to date a transperson
*They thought it would be noble of them to date a person of color
*They never read
*They never voted
*They didn't enjoy deconstructing and analyzing movies after we watched one
*We didn't have sexual chemistry
*They didn't love themselves
*They didn't have self-confidence
*They weren't feminist

Not once have I rejected someone because of their size. Of course some of the people I have turned down may have thought that, or thought it was because they couldn't flirt...but it was because they voted for W. Bush.

You never know why people really reject you. So just focus on being the best person you can be, and if you get turned down recognize that is probably a lot more about them than it is about you.

For Lonely:

If you feel shy and want to get more comfortable talking to men you may want to try online dating. I think the site okcupid is a bit quirkier, less intense and a bit more fun than the other ones out there.

Perhaps messaging with a person a bit beforehand will make you feel more at ease when meeting up with someone in real life.

I agree with Prof Foxy's advice here, but I really wonder how much we'd be jumping on Lonely if she were an overweight man only interested in thin women.

I feel like the Dan Savage approach to this would be to tell him that he can hold out and accept that he might be lonely for a while, or that he can lower his standards and start dating heavier women, even though he might not find them as attractive.

And while that's good advice for Lonely, she's in a much better place than a man in her situation. Like Prof Foxy said, there are a lot of men who are really attracted to bigger women. If she's having troubling finding them in meatspace, she can try the internet.

I too can identify with the inability to flirt.
I am also shy, and while I am still working on it, I am immeasurably better than I was at 22 (at 28). So I would like to assure the OP that things will get better.

I agree with others that her confidence is far more likely to be the issue than her size. Otoh, if losing weight will make her feel better about herself, it will increase her confidence.

I don't think it's hypocritical of her to prefer a thinner man - as another psoter pointed out, men aren't held to the same beauty standards.
And we like what we like; OK, keeping an open mind harms no-one, but no-one should be expected to date someone they don't find attractive. Of course in our culture women are to be desired, not desirers - so while men are expected to focus on physical attractiveness, women aren't, to the point where many settle for someone they aren't really attracted to.
Also, women are constantly told we're not attractive enough, so how dare we think we're good enough to attract a guy we think is attractive?

A friend is currently in a relationship with a guy who is 20 years older, and very overweight. I think she's pretty (if not stereotypically 'hot'), and could do better. I wonder if she thinks she couldn't find someone better. I mean, maybe she genuinely wants to be with him for his personality, but I wonder. He is also very professionally successful.
Older, ugly powerful guy with attractive younger woman, hmmm, not exactly an unknown script.

I don't think you should lower your aesthetic standards, but you should contemplate them. Why are you attracted to skinny men? Is that social conditioning? How do you reconcile it with your own body image?

I'm a black man, and when I was younger I wasn't attracted to black people. I had internalized racist ideas of beauty. It was no wonder that I also thought that I was ugly. Accepting the beauty of black people allowed me to feel beautiful.

I do not think it's healthy to accept standards of beauty that one can never reach. I am not saying that you should not be interested in slim people. Rather, I think that your attraction to a body type that is not yours is worth serious contemplation. The process of introspection often leads to self-improvement, regardless of the result.

20-year old fat (5'6", 220 lbs, sexy size 18/20!) straight-identified woman fat-acceptance activist here. Oh, boy. I have so many things to say. And I kind of want to be your friend!

1) Regarding online dating.

Yes, there are success stories, but in my personal experience, it's been absolutely disastrous. Obviously some people are going to jump in here with "but wait! I MET MY SOUL MATE ON X SITE" But I still believe that they are the exception, not the rule. Online dating is VERY exhausting, and unless you have the patience of an angel, I think meeting men through typical means is the better way to go.

I think online dating has its place in the most extreme of circumstances; if you live in an isolated area, if you have a particular quirk/hobby that you want to share with someone, if you're not typical in some way that the rest of society can't handle, etc. I'll probably get flamed for this, but whatevs. Just TRY regular dating for a few years, and if you're still coming up empty-handed, then maybe post an ad on Craigslist.

I would NOT recommend OKCupid; most of the men on that site are wacko and I barely ever got any messages anyway. Met some really socially awkward dudes...one who wanted me to be a baby factory, the other who had an ego the size of Alaska.

I've had some luck getting laid with AdultFriendFinder (it sounds so much sketchier than it actually is, I promise), but if that's not what you're looking for, then stay away. But if it is, then I suggest it. :)

Craigslist is alright. I've had a lot of first dates from CL, but the people there tend to be very dishonest (dated a guy from CL for 2 months who turned out to be lying about his job, lifestyle, etc). I've had some decent luck with casual encounters though...you just have to have common sense.

Yahoo!Personals is creepy. No experience with it.

Largefriends and all of those other BBW-dating sites are a huge waste of time if you're looking for a serious relationship, and I personally don't want to feel fetishized anyway, but that's just my preference.

2) Your anxiety.

I can't stress enough the importance of getting that checked out; like a lot of other folks send, if you truly do have a social anxiety disorder, meds and counseling could make a world of difference.

3) Confidence, not "looks."

Everyone already said what I wanted to say here, but I'll repeat: for the most part, getting dates (keeping them is a different story; see my point below) isn't about how much you conform to the patriarchal beauty standard, it's about how confident you are. Period. There is really, truly no way around this....if you're not confident, you won't attract other people. Again, I'm sure there are exceptions, but they are rare.

Now, as for advice on how to develop that confidence? Fuck if I know the secret (some people are just that way naturally), but I can definitely tell you two things that helped me tremendously: fat acceptance and feminism. Without these in my arsenal, I don't know what I would do. But reading fat acceptance/HAES and feminist blogs pulled me out of my shell. It's a slow process, but it works, it really does.

4) Your age.

I'm going to basically repeat here what Dan Savage has said to women who have asked your exact same question: things will change.

The men (and women...I'm not being sexist, but the writer is straight, so obviously I'm going to be talking about men here) your age are, for the most part, desperately insecure. It's not that 22-year old guys aren't attracted to fat women---trust me, there are plenty---it's that they have no freaking clue how to deal with that attraction. They'll fantasize about the fat girl and even fuck them, but dating one absolutely terrifies them.

I have BEEN in this situation; guy is insanely attracted to me but just can't deal with what his buddies would think if he had a fat girlfriend. It SUCKS, and I wouldn't wish that amount of misery on anyone, but at this age, there's really no way to avoid it. You just have to be extremely picky, and hope that your people-reading skills are decent enough that you're not dating a dud. :(

The good thing is that people mature. Most of the men who can't handle their attraction to fat women will eventually realize that they can't really change who they're attracted to. It just takes time, unfortunately.

And as for YOUR personal attraction to thin men, don't beat yourself up over it. While you can't really force yourself to be attracted to a different body type, you CAN be open to talking and dating people of all different shapes and sizes. Maybe things won't work out, but maybe they will. A first date never killed anybody!

Ok, so I only glanced at the first couple of comments, and was sadly unsurprised by how quickly the fat hatred popped up. I didn't read the rest of the thread bc I'm in no mood for that crap right now. So, I apologize if I repeat anything others have said, but I just felt I had to respond to "Lonely" because I recognize so much of myself in her question.
So, I'm now 31 years old, and for over 2 years, I've been in a happy, healthy, stable relationship with a partner who thinks I'm hella sexy. My BMI puts me firmly in the "obese" category (which I use merely for a convenient point of reference, not because I think the BMI is meaningful in any real way--I'm just not sure if specifying height and weight would be helpful or hurtful here). I also cope with social anxiety issues.
I did not date or kiss anyone until I was nearly 19. As a teenager, I was painfully shy and had terrible self-esteem. I actually weighed significantly less back then--I was in the upper-range of so-called "normal" weight for my height (I'm also much taller than the average woman, FTR), but I thought I was hideous, and I blamed my lack of romantic success on my size. Truly, though, it was my anxiety and my lack of confidence that were the issues.
Here's what I really want "Lonely" to know:
*I did NOT have to lose weight to get a boyfriend. As Prof. Foxy said, attraction is subjective, and everyone likes different types--regardless of what they look like themselves. I haven't exactly dated a ton of people (still shy), but I have been with dudes with a range of different body types--tall, short, average, fat, thin.
*There's nothing wrong with you having your "type," either. If you're attracted to skinny dudes, that's your thing. There's not a rule that says folks have to pair up by body type. I would say: 1)Don't define your tastes so strictly that you miss someone great just because he doesn't fit what you usually think is hot. You can find chemistry in unexpected places. 2)Don't feel guilty about what you find attractive, *but* you may still want to spend some time thinking about whether you do have some internalized fat prejudice. I only say this because it's pretty much impossible to avoid in our culture, and since you also seem to have negative thoughts about your own body.
*Online dating is a goddess-send for shy peeps. I met my current partner online, as well as the last 3 people I dated before him. I have done Yahoo! Personals as well as meeting people on MySpace and Friendster (does anyone still use Friendster?). Meeting people on the interweb means that you get an automatic filter for common interests, so you already know you have stuff to talk about. You can also take your time before meeting in person to exchange emails and get to know each other in a low-pressure way. You can take the time to think about what the other person has written and how you will respond. I cannot stress enough how much the series of tubes has helped my love life.
*This is just my personal opinion, but flirting is overrated. I do not consider myself to be someone who is adept at flirtation, and I am ok with that. Talking to someone like an actual human being is a better strategy. In my experience, if you are having a good talk with someone who you like, and sparks are happening, some flirting will kind of manifest naturally. You won't even be conscious of doing it. I might be a total weirdo on this point, though.
*Please, please, please go to the Shapely Prose blog (kateharding dot net), and get your learn on about size acceptance. You will find a whole universe of smart, funny, fierce ladies who regularly call bullshit on our culture's ridiculously unrealistic beauty standards. Changed my life, and I'm not even kidding.
*Dieting sucks. I've done it, and been "successful" for periods of a few years. It consumes precious mental energy, makes you obsessive, and for most people, it doesn't work in the long run. I love myself infinitely more at my heaviest than I did at my "goal weight."
"Lonely," I wish you the best of luck. I know you must feel "behind" other folks your age, but being like everyone else is overrated. You are special and cool--and writing to a feminist blog for advice is just evidence of you being an interesting, thoughtful person. You're going to be fine. Peace. (sorry so long.)

I have a tangential question about the fat acceptance movement. Everything I've read says that the more extra weight you carry, the harder it is on your heart, blood sugar, etc. and your risk of cancer skyrockets. So when I read about this person's story, I'm thinking that it would be wonderful if she could love herself the way she is, but also that no one should be encouraged to stay overweight just to spite social norms...because there is a health cost. Just wondering what others think.

Oh, and I know I just wrote a novella-length comment, but I have to concur with the smart peeps who mentioned the possibility of getting counseling for your anxiety. Therapy, meds, and self-study have gone a long way towards helping me manage my anxiety problems.

Just letting you know you're not alone. I'm also 22, and the only "relationship" I've ever been in was for about a month in the 9th grade. I haven't been kissed in 2 years, and you can pretty much forget about sex. I'm becoming increasingly frustrated because casual sex just isn't for me, but my hormones go into "raging" mode every now and then. I don't flirt much either because I feel silly when I catch myself doing anything remotely close.

Regarding the "lowering standards" idea (also a little about the pickiness issues some people have brought up, e.g. knowing you only want to be with a Midwestern Lutheran who likes football and over 6 feet, or the like).

I think 'lowering your standards' is a bit of a red herring. Instead, I'd say that it's better to not get overly attached to that stuff.

I have a type. However, there have been plenty of times I've dated someone who didn't strictly conform. Usually because the person was charming and funny, had a personality that appealed to me, we had a lot in common, we had fun together, they were just plain sexy, etc. And I think it's really important to keep an eye out for people you might hit it off with, even if they aren't "your type".

I do not at all think this is "lowering your standards". If I meet someone who is short and pale with straight hair, but they still rock my world, I haven't lowered my standards, I've expanded my horizons.

Also, re internet dating: I feel like if you use the same approach as you do in meatspace dating, it's doomed to fail.

In real life, I tend to give just about anyone a chance if I can see something attractive about them at all. Even if at first it doesn't seem ideal. That absolutely did not work online - it started to feel like a chore very quickly.

So I just allowed myself to be super ultra picky to the max. I have a list of criteria a mile long, and they also have to be smokin' hot, to boot. And I won't meet anyone in person unless they are sparklingly charming via email. And nobody gets a second date unless the earth moved on the first. With this approach, I at least have a lot more fun with it, though I have yet to meet my soulmate or anything like that.

As a girl whose greatest social asset is being "very funny" and witty, I find this to be poor advice. As much fun as these attributes make you at parties, they really does not make men see you as more of a romantic object. At all. Funny girls are the ones who laugh at guys' jokes, not make their own, dontcha know.

I agree with the people who have been preaching self-confidence. It really helps. I find that when I am most self-conscious I tend to get noticed less, but when I am more outgoing and stand up straight, people tend to gravitate toward me more. I hope that you find the right guy!

I have nothing to add to the conversation, since I'm in the same boat as "Lonely" and am therefore in no position to be giving advice. I just wanted to say that all y'all's advice is amazing, and helping me out as well. It sucks to be in your 20's and overweight in the world of dating (especially at a mostly-female college like mine, where the menfolk have their pick of the litter, so to speak).

So... thanks for being supportive, girls!

Prof. Foxy,

"As for flirting, there is not some magical code, and frankly, lots of people don't "flirt" at all. Men are just people."

This, I think, is both right and wrong. It is right for people who are able to read and write fluently in their own body language and the opposite sexes body language, for people who are confident in their own life who can adjust and do have conversational skills and are able to become physical at the appropriate moment. Hardly anyone brings all of that to the table, which makes your statement wrong with respect to those people who need advice with respect to the interaction on a much more detailed level, so they can develop the confidence that will, hopefully, one day, allow them to say to other people "don't worry, men/women are people, too, just talk to them".

Actually, case in point, last night I talked to a woman in a club who was smilingly claiming to be interested in meeting new people yet her body language said something entirely different. I told her about the difference between her words and her posture and she became aware of it. One part of her brain wanted to meet people, the other one was protecting her, keeping her from opening up her body language. So she was thinking why doesn't anyone talk to me (she *was* conventionally attractive) while she was constantly sending out signs that said "don't talk to me".

Basically, yes, for those who aren't natural talents in these matters, there are some things that are useful to know and possible to learn about interactions with people of the opposite sex - while still being aware of the fact that they are people, too ;)

I agree that in order for you to have more success in finding men you must first appreciate who you are and what you look like. Regardless of the fact that we all are not a size six or below, all women are beautiful when we think that we are. I am not thin, nor am I fat. I wear a size ten and I think that I look absolutely beautiful. However, this used to not be the case, and I used to beat myself up about how I could never be as thin as other girls. As a result, my dating life was non-existent or I attracted jerks that like to play on my insecurities about my body in order to hurt me. These jerks, also, where men I actively "flirted" with in order to have someone in my life. According to my experiences, I think that one is most successful in dating when one does not try too hard. Don´t go into dating "flirting", go into it "communicating" as a woman who is looking for partner who will respond in a respectful and engaging manner.

Professor Foxy didn't answer the question about whether it's problematic to want to lose weight to increase one's attractiveness. Unless, that is, you consider Foxy's "Losing weight is something that has to be done for you" as answering that yes, it is problematic (without any analysis or explanation).

And in that paragraph, Foxy appears to assume that the reader is interested in improving her health by losing weight. The letter gives no indication of this. The writer might be perfectly happy with her health.

I like Foxy's responses for the most part, but I think its really lame to see "Is it unfeminist to lose weight in order to be attractive?" answered with "Um, go lose weight so you'll be healthier."

I don't think it is wrong in any way to make oneself more attractive to the other sex (or the same sex, if necessary).

I don't think you should be ashamed of that, and being a Feminist is not relevant.

The only question should be: am I doing something for myself or for the other(s)?

If getting your hair done makes you feel better, then go for it. If it makes you more attractive (or if you think so), then even better: a bonus!

That's the nice part. The less nice part is that, yes, the best way to maximise one's chances is to align oneself on the majority behaviour. I speak as a man, and I know that my success rate would improve if I behaved more like the 'average' guy; being an outlier is a pretty dumb position to be in!

I like opera. I have a nice home. I don't wolfwhistle. My car is nice, but not flash. I don't drink. None of that is very helpful in the dating market. So I accept that my success rate is pretty low - that is the price I pay for being different. Tough, but that's life.

If you feel that you can change for the better, then do it. Good luck!

Hmmm... this letter sounds eerily like myself.

If I were sending it, it would look like this:

Hi Professor Foxy,

I'm 26 years old and I've never been in a relationship (or been kissed, for that matter) and I am really starting to feel lonely. There are many reasons for why I think this is but for the most part I think its because I am unemployed by choice (supported by my parents) and most of the girls I like are not. Being a feminist, I try to tell myself that that shouldn't matter and I should find a girl who likes me for me, but on the other hand I feel extremely hypocritical because I know I would never find a lazy girl attractive (I actually tend to prefer ambitious women).

The other problem is I just don't really know how to flirt. I feel like there is some sort of code that girls speak I just never learned this. I never can never tell the difference between actual interest and someone simply being polite and trying not to hurt my feelings. Furthermore, I have a history of coming across as a creepy stalker and scaring some girls that I've really liked, so whenever I try talking to a girl, I'm constantly worrying about whether she actually likes me or simply wants me to go away and leave her alone. So, basically my two main questions are: 1) is it unfeminist to give in to the social pressure that requires men to be financially independent breadwinners for the main purpose of attracting girls? and 2)How can I show a girl I am interested without over or under-doing it?

Thanks in advance,
Lonely

I think being a good flirt is something that kind of happens naturally when you feel comfortable and confident in yourself. Even if you don't feel this way 100% you can still fake it. When I want to flirt and appear attractive to men I tell myself that I am the wittiest most attractive and intriguing person there can be and then act like I am (without being obnoxious of course). I am not sure how to tell you to raise your confidence and decrease your anxiety. I have some social anxiety and some days it is worse than others and on those days I am a lost cause in social interactions. Others days, for whatever reason I feel confident as I mentioned above. I know that the anxiety and confidence both improved over time by slowly learning to accept and like myself and not really care so much if other people don't like me or find me attractive. I don't think losing weight is going to help you with this; it is something that happens inside. Feminism and focusing on developing who you are and your interests does help. Taking risks by calling a guy or flirting can help even if you get shot down cause you find out your ego can take it and you are ok anyway. Of course, if you are not shot down that helps too! I lost a lot of weight through an eating disorder and most of the time I was thin I felt hideous and self-conscious. I realize the experience might be different if you lose weight in a healthy lifestyle manner, but losing weight is still going to make you focus even more on your body and what you weigh which works against the whole accepting and loving who you are inside bit. Plus, if you lose weight to look more attractive to men when does it end? When are you skinny enough? Losing weight to be attractive to men is dangerous, because you might lose a lot of weight and are still not finding men to date and what does that mean? That you need to lose even more weight? Just recently I got sick and lost enough pounds that a couple people complimented me and it actually has made me focus more on my body instead of less and worry more about weight gain again when I had managed for years not to focus much on my weight. I would not judge anyone who lost weight in an attempt to appear more attractive to men in the same way that I have learned not to hate myself for wearing makeup and heels but I don't think losing weight for this reason sounds like a good choice for you. If you do attempt it I think doing a lot of inner work at the same time would be a good idea and if you have the means seeing some kind of counselor to make sure you work on anxiety and confidence/acceptance issues and focus on these more than your weight/diet.

Wow as I read this, I actually felt like I had written in without knowing it!

I am also 22. Until about a year ago, I was pretty overweight, vacillating between sizes 14 and 18. I was also very alone. I, too, refused to "put myself out there." When I was approached by guys in bars or at the bus stop or wherever, I was always wary of the attention - I thought when a man was interested that meant he had some kind of fetish or that he was some kind of creep (internalization much?). This was in part because I, too, would never deign to like a fat guy. Liking fatness seemed abnormal to me, and more than anything I feared the idea of people thinking "that's all she could get." Plus, like Lonely, skinny guys were (and are) my thing. I knew (and know) that this was somehow unfair, but I couldn't help it.

I'm not sure what the answer is, Lonely, but it's definitely NOT losing weight. Living 22 years as the Unhappy Fat Girl leaves its mark. I've been down to a size 8 for almost a year now, and while I feel so much healthier and happier and am overall more satisfied with my fitness and physical appearance, it has not magically solved my love life issues. I still have stretch marks and loose skin (I've lost about 70 pounds after all), which is a source of insecurity. Although I can now say that I've officially had a boyfriend (it lasted an entire 3 months - woot!), I still feel uncomfortable discussing my relationship past with potential mates(or lackthereof). It's also caused me to think way too much about how shallow people are. I've actually had two close guy friends come on to me since my weight loss, one of whom I had had a secret crush on for years. All I can say is it was hurtful.

And @idiolect - anxiety can definitely be a clinical problem but as I read it here, I think there is a correlation to weight. I'll try not to speak for Lonely, but for myself. I experienced a lot of similar anxiety surrounding approaching guys when I was larger, and still do to an extent. I think the reason it can be particularly difficult for women of a certain size to accept rejection because it's hard not to associate it with one's inability to conform to standards of thinness (because in certain circles, often the two are associated). I've always had a lot of male friends since early high school, and spent a lot of painful time watching them hit on/get with our mutual female friends. It's not hard to deduce why I was left out. If I had ever approached one of them, I would have faced certain rejection, and likely humiliation. It's easy to say "get new friends," but it's hard to control who you like.

Okay I feel like I just shared a lot of personal information - I want to emphasize that a lot of it (especially regarding the comparative attractiveness of fat v. skinny people) was about how I FELT (or feel), not what I think or what I know. Sometimes the latter has little impact on the former.

Professor Foxy,

Right On!

I am not a "big girl" but not a rail either. Have lots of friends who are heavier and they get hit on by the slender/tight guys a lot! Sometimes they go for it, but later it was just a fling for the guy :(

I guess that I am lucky that I found the guy I liked and got him to notice me (never had any trouble with women, go figure) and I am pretty darn sure we have each other in that way.

I( say just be yourself and if a person you like is paying attention to you, don't be too coy, respond back to them and see how it goes.

--Suki ;)

Lonely,

Something I kinda knew but was confirmed by several guys and women, wear heels. Not sure why, but they just make you look better and you get more opportunities to chat it up with people.

I like heels anyway, but I know lots of girls don't, but people looking at you do, so give it a try.

I was in a similar situation myself. I did not date anyone until I was 21, which I felt was really old to start dating. I was not overweight, but I found a lot of other things wrong with myself and that I thought were stopping me from getting a boyfriend. We not only get pressure from the media and society to look a certain way, but to be dating at the right time in life. According to almost every movie I've seen, all teenagers date. Teenage boys are supposed interested in 'one thing' and go after almost any girl, which made me wonder "why aren't they interested in me?". You begin to feel that if you don't date when everyone else is dating, there must be something wrong with you.

Anyways, I've since discovered that the problem wasn't with me, it was just my luck to not find someone who was interested in me who I could also be interested in (talking sociology courses where the class was 99% female didn't help either). There is nothing wrong with you if you don't start when you are a teenager.

I agree with some posters who have questioned why the fat that the letter-writer is only attracted to thin guys has escaped any questioning or concern. I absolutely think that that when the cultural understanding of attractiveness says "only x is attractive" and one happens to find only x attractive, then there's reason to examine one's preferences a little deeper. (Actually I think even when one's preferences go against the cultural norm, we should still examine our preferences. For instance, sometimes amongst fat lesbian friends there will be discussion of thin conventionally attractive women and

I'm also curious as to what understanding of "attraction" those who find nothing problematic about that preference are using. I assume this must be only about bare first-time-you-lay-eyes on another physical attraction right? But I guess I'm not sure why failing to have that sort of attraction would lead one to not want to pursue even a first (get to know a person) date? I wouldn't see that failing to be physically attracted to someone in that automatic physical-only way would be a good indication of how attracted one might be to a person if they knew them at all. I don't mean by this that one can have *no* chemistry or sexual interest with someone but be attracted in an intellectual or emotional way based solely on a good personality. What I'm saying is that how could you know if you had chemistry or sexual interest just because you didn't have an initial feeling of "oh that person is cute/beautiful/hot" etc? Might you not need to get to know the person a little before you can figure that out?

So to me, the privileging of the immediate attraction or lack there of based solely one's outward appearance is odd. I'm not saying one should date or have sex with or start relationships with people they find repulsive looking. But I have gone on a date/had sex with people who didn't really do anything for me in terms of their outward appearance. The sex was perfectly fun, so I guess we must have had chemistry even if I didn't find their appearance particularly attractive.

I would think that whatever chemistry or compatibility or whatever it is that allows people to form emotional bonds in relationships, it can't be too wrapped up in bare physical attractiveness. After all, a person's physical appearance is extremely likely to change over the long term (e.g. a lot of people who are thin in their teens and 20s gain weight after being pregnant or as they reach middle age, everyone goes gray, gets wrinkles, starts sagging, people who have serious medical issues have surgeries that result in their bodies appearing to have been mutilated, etc.) I would assume that if even if one finds oneself less physically attracted to a partner's outward physical appearance after years of a committed relationship, that they still would be attracted to/have chemistry with the person overall.

It's definitely all about confidence and self-love and appreciation. I am thin, and people tell me I'm attractice, yet I am still in the same situation as Lonely, but am definitely improving my confidence. Having loving supportive friends around also helps. Go to social events with a good friend who adores you.

maybe its the biologist in me talking, but i think its natural for most people to be attracted to thinner people (not scrawny of course but average-weight.) Its inborn in humans to want a certain look in a person, because thinner USUALLY means healthier, and healthier usually means they can ultimately have more effective offspring and spread their genes. So I don't think its odd or hypocritical that she likes skinnier guys. Its just instinct!

Also, i hear that mens' attraction to women physically has more to do with their body "ratios" (36-24-36, you know the song :-p) than it does with actual weight. so if you have a small waist compared to your hips and breasts but are a bigger lady, apparently men find it more attractive than a skinny girl with a straighter figure. Anyone know anything about this?

Besides all that, its always good to be healthy, even if that means losing wieght. Theres nothing wrong with a big figure, but being over-weight can be dangerous to your body.

I'm in the same boat. I've been plump since about junior year of college - even while I was minoring in dance and exercising five times a week.

I second Foxy's suggestion to try writing personal ads. I've met several good guys on craigslist and the like, many of whom I'm still friends with. Also, if you're shy in person and have trouble striking up conversations, it's nice to get to know someone through e-mail. Just always remember to meet someone new in a public place, and to let one of your friends know you're going.

Maybe try putting the physical attraction factor temporarily on the back burner - or making exceptions, if you will - if you find a guy who you're attracted to in other ways. Give him a chance, even if he's not perfect. To me, being attracted to a guy's mind can be even hotter than being attracted to his body. For example, I met a guy online who I wasn't initially strongly physically attracted to, though he was by no means unattractive. He had a lot of physical characteristics I did like. Non-physically, he was smart, funny, adventurous - I guess everything non-physical I could want in a guy. We ended up dating two years and came to really embrace each others' bodies, physically, and had fabulous amazing sex, and now I've come to be attracted to guys of his type from that experience. People's desires change, which is why it annoys me to hear some speak of desire as an inherent thing that "just is" and that never changes.

I'd also like to add that it's not totally unreasonable for a plump woman to want a skinny guy. Biologically, women carry more fat. It's just a fact. We go through pregnancy, we have a higher body-fat percentages even in peak shape, we have different metabolisms. The fact is, there are more skinny guys around than skinny girls.

And, to make you feel better, I've dated and slept with several skinny guys, and many of them aren't bothered in the least by my weight. I think in spite of being inundated with porn and unrealistic images in the media, a lot of men, like a lot of women, recognize that's just not how it is in real life.

Also, I third Foxy's suggestion to dress up. Buy yourself a new outfit that makes you feel sexy and confident. Or just wear your favorite outfit. Maybe try some lingerie or a garter belt/stockings. I'm in love with lingerie.

Nice message from Prof. Foxy but...

"women of size"? Please tell me this is an ironic Foxyism.

All women have a size, even the skinny ones.

Totally agree (that it's baloney.) For one, there was a period when I was single and my fat friend got a fat boyfriend. She's been with at least 2 skinny guys before him. And they are still together I think 2 years later. Also, I am and have always been what can be considered *scrawny* and I made a list when I was a senior in high school 3-4 years ago of guys who liked me that I KNEW liked me my whole life. There were 24 guys on it. I'm by no means "normal" weight, especially for my height. And my sort-of-fat friend who I've known literally my whole life can say the same thing.

This woman's issue with only liking skinny guys could be a number of things. But I do know one thing- personality can easily overcome any physical "type" if it is attractive enough. Looks matter, but only shallow people let it matter that much. I'm sure that Lonely isn't shallow, and once a great personality comes along that she finds herself physically attracted to as well, she'll find the right guy.

Also, SO's get more attractive the more you love them. So if you find yourself crushing a little but wish he looked better, wait around a month of dating. When I first started dating my SO he wasn't really my "type" at all (maybe a little), but even when he kept his beard I still found him more physically attractive the more I liked him. Now, he is pretty much the hottest guy in the world and it's hard to take my eyes off him sometimes!

Asseenontv's original comment annoyed me (less conventionally attractive people should lower their standards). It's the kind of thing I've heard people say a lot and it bothers me because how horrible would it be to realise that you were with someone who felt they had 'lowered their standards' when they started to go out with you, but hey, you grew on them? (Answer: very. It would be very horrible). I have a friend who is the personified definition of a 'geek', and he really wanted a girlfriend. People would say to me that he should 'lower his standards', because he liked girls who were too pretty for him. This angered me because why should anyone think they're too good for anyone else and that they can 'do better'? (incidentally,he now has a really nice girlfriend who any guy would be lucky to have. As an ex-lapdancer, she has a conventionally hot body, too).

I knew a guy who dated one of my friends. He commented to someone that he didn't really find her physically attractive but he liked what was inside: it was as if he thought my pretty friend could only ever be considered beautiful on the inside, so she might as well date someone who didn't really find her attractive. It made my blood boil because he clearly thought he was proving just how unsuperficial he was by dating her. He thought it showed what a nice guy he was. But in actual fact, he was completely devaluing my friend. Just because HE didn't find her physically attractive, he shouldn't have assumed that some other great guy wouldn't have been completely blown away by her; she should have waited for the right guy rather than going out with a guy who made her feel bad about her looks. I think she stayed with him because he was what people consider a 'good guy', but, in the same way that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, goodness is in how a guy treats you and he treated her badly - I can't imagine a more cutting insult than 'it's personality that counts' or 'you grew on me' (it's like saying, even someone who loves you can't honestly tell you you're physically attractive. He didn't say these things to her face but he said them to her friends, which is bad enough). You're not being gallant by 'lowering' your standards. Every person has a different idea of attractive. Some movie stars are ugly to some people and hot to others. So never 'settle' for someone, because you're making them 'settle' for a partner who doesn't appreciate them physically.

So I definitely do not think the lady who wrote this letter should lower her standards. She should go for whoever she's attracted to and know that she's worthy of them.

Like others here, I've been in your shoes.

I used to have a pretty nasty eating disorder, and unsurprisingly I didn't like myself even when I'd lost weight. I dated a bit then, but as others have said, it was nothing like I thought it would be.

I recovered from the eating disorder, was diagnosed with a thyroid disorder years after it started, and went from a 10/12 to a 26 US size. I'm really crazy about myself these days . . . and you know what, so is everyone else! I've had loads of dates, a long-term serious relationship, and all with people who loved everything about me, because I loved myself enough to not change or settle for someone who didn't like me as much as I did.

Being outgoing is the key---you said it yourself, being around people you like makes you anxious.
That's the thing you will want to tackle---if you have access to it, a therapist is a great start.

I know it feels like you'd have more options if you were thinner, but if you're like most people, there are precious few people you really want to date, period. You said you like thin guys, and in my experience, they are actually the largest demographic to like larger women, so don't sweat it. I don't know who it is going around perpetuating the idea that thin people only want to be with other thin people, but that isn't the case.

Dating is rough on everyone---keep that in mind, then get out there!

I agree that thin people can be made to feel bad about their body too. People can say mean things like 'real women have curves' and 'men don't want to sleep with ironing boards'. These are things that people say to make large women feel good, but it's not fair to compare one body type to another and say one is better than the other. The things people say can be hurtful to thin women who have small breasts or boyish, straight-up-and-down bodies.

Hi, Lonely.

I don't know if you'll read this, but I just want you, and anyone else out there who feels like you, to know one thing:

My ex-girlfriend was bigger than I am, and being in the industry she's in, was constantly told to lose weight. Personally, I thought (and still do think) she's the hottest, most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my entire life. And I'm a size 3 (I'm a woman). When she did try to lose weight (and sometimes she did lose weight), I didn't find her as attractive. That could have been because she was constantly talking about food, losing weight, etc. or it could have been that I memorized the curves of her body and the new ones felt unfamiliar to me. It was hard to convince her that she was beautiful for something other than her face, but she was and she is and once she finally believed that I thought she was hot, she was even more sexy because she was confident. People would tell her terrible things and she herself would berate her own body and it made me so incredibly mad and offended. Who are they, or even: who is she, to decide what I find sexy? After we broke up, I did date a woman my size with a flat stomach and all that. It was, honestly, incredibly boring. She looked like everyone else and I didn't feel special for seeing her. I'm not trying to belittle (no pun intended) women of my size -- I love my body and other women's bodies -- but I personally wasn't attracted to that. At all. I missed my ex's body. And I don't care who society thought was hotter.

So, please, stop talking shit about yourselves and saying you are ugly or unattractive. It makes those of use who find you attractive feel like we're not supposed to love those parts of you.

Incredibly sincerely,
Hollywood Marie

I found that my attraction to thin and generally smaller men was a reflection of my insecurity around men who I felt could physically best me. I was assaulted at a young age by an older boy so the thought of being with a large man horrified me and made me physically ill for years. I thought I was just being shallow, but then I realized the problem after a long deep conversation with myself.

Sometimes there are issues that are deeper than they seem on the surface.

Re: Losing weight to attract men.

Prof Foxy didn't really answer this, and I'm interested in everyone's thoughts.

I don't think it's unfeminist but I do think it's unhealthy to put all the emphasis on being attractive. That thinking won't help your self-esteem now, it will make you feel shitty if you don't succeed, and if you do reach your target weight you won't enjoy it as much because you'll be so focused on picking at your flaws. If being more conventionally attractive is a motivating factor, that's fine. File it away in the back of your head and focus on your health.

Lonely, you are so young! Up until my mid-twenties, female friends of mine were in exactly the same position as you, with a one-off snog being the closest they'd come to a relationship. The differences? Weight wasn't an factor: my two friends who had the greatest difficulties in securing a mate were 'conventionally' attractive/ and(in my view)beautiful. What was a factor was lack of self-esteem and the gut reaction to panic and run as soon as anyone expressed the slightest interest in them - 'surely no one would want me?' was their repeated cry.

Losing weight might help you, or it might make you see the world in a much less positive light than just working on your self-confidence. I'm slender and quite content about my body, but after a break up at 18 I lost weight dramatically as a way of 'regaining control' of my life. I felt good but quickly became cynical as my loser ex-boyfriend suddenly found me the hottest thing in the world (even though my friends were warning me that I seemed perilously thin).

The society we live in is certainly geared so that, by losing weight, you're bound to attract more male attention than at present. But that doesn't say anything about the quality and character of men you'll be attracting, or their interest in your personality. This is a gross generalisation, and I hope that at whatever weight you find someone worthy of you, but it's worth bearing in mind while you consider your options, and is as close to an 'orthodox' feminist answer as I think can be given (seeing as feminism, at least to my mind, is best framed as a critique of society, not a blueprint for society with a dossier of convenient rules).

If a man on this website said he would rather date skinny women than fat women, he'd get shot. Why is it okay for women, then, to express these same superficial opinions?

Everyone seems to be skirting around this issue.

To the writer of this letter, if you really want a man, maybe you should lose some weight. I'm sure there are lots of fat men out there thinking "I'm so lonely, I really want a woman.. too bad I'm fat." And guess what! These fat men, many of whom are probably very cool, funny, and sweet, would get turned down by you based solely on their appearance! It's not fair for you to hold prospective boyfriends to your high standards of physical attractiveness, while simultaneously failing to meet those same standards.

Super props to all those commenting up until the "health" debate.

I will go out on a limb here simply because as someone else said this is a mental growth issue and in doing so I hope to open myself to some criticism and very possibly some "personal" growth.

I am 37 and currently not so confident in my own appearance. I am not obese but with each year it become hard to ignore the fact I feel less and less in shape. Being highly self critical it all spiraled into a great ball of drama about a year ago. I went to a therapist, among other things, for the abundance of self loathing I had for myself. The hypocrisy of desiring a mate who I found visually appealing while my feelings about my own physical make up were conflicting eventually made its way to the discussion. Her suggestion was to "go hogging". That term dropped my jaw to the floor especially when coming from a "professional therapist". It bothered me so much that I called the one person at the top of my secret advice listing. My older sister.

Once I had divulged the situation to her she asked me why in the world I had gone to counseling for such a trivial thing. I am me simply put. Being an artist I am drawn to beautiful things but also beauty is in the eye of the beholder. She was right, I cannot change that which I consider to be beautiful, and therefore attempting to is contradictory to my nature regardless of what it defines beauty as. Since then I have quit trying to go against my grain for "benevolent reasoning" and learned to just be myself and appreciate those things that I find such beauty in.

I like most men have a variety of body styles I find visually appealing. However (and I would hope this is true for the rest of my brethren) I also have a variety of personalities I find appealing.

A woman's (I am hetero after all) rating on the possible friend/mate listing can sway a lot dependent upon the amount of traits they are compatible with on both the mental and physical lists.

For example a female who hits high marks on the visual might be able to get away with a less compatible personality (not much though as I find getting older good communication and mental compatibility rates higher.)
A female with a very compatible personality could be outside the bounds of the visual appealing listing.

As I am not so good with words this may have come across the wrong way however gut feeling is most people use something similar subconsciously. Females, Males, Heterosexual or Homosexual.

Neither visual nor personality outweigh the other its just a way to identify where your ideals lay when choosing prospective relationship material.

As a side note once I became comfortable with the things that I saw as beautiful, and to hell with what society thought, I found that those two lists began to expand to things/people that I previously would not have considered. While I still don't think of myself as attractive per say it did make me much more comfortable in my own skin and led to a change in confidence.

Love yourself for who you are and eventually someone else will to.

Lonely,

There have been a lot of great things said here. I'm just going to add that four months ago, I was 21 and in the same boat as you. Like (nearly) exactly the same boat as you. I am now in love with someone who loves me (for who I am) and couldn't be happier.

"... a good conversation can lead to a good relationship and/or good sex." This is one of the truest things I have ever heard.