This weekly Saturday column "Ask Professor Foxy" will regularly contain sexually explicit material. This material is likely not safe for work viewing. The title of the column will include the major topic of the post, so please read the topic when deciding whether or not to read the entire column.
Dear Professor Foxy,
My boyfriend and I want to pursue a threesome. However, there are a few obstacles in our way. Since none of our friends are really an option and we don't know any other people interested, we don't really know where to start. How do people usually go about finding someone for a threesome? We don't like the idea of someone random and/or a hook up. We're kind of stuck on how to go about it.
Hi threesome -
Some place between a random person and a friend is a person who you meet with the clear expectation of working towards a threesome. This way you know the person well enough to feel comfortable having sex with them, but don't jeopardize existing relationships. You also know that they are into threesomes.
There are several ways to find this person. The Internet is an obvious first step. Craig's list, your local alternative paper, Nerve are all excellent ways to start. Another good place is swingers or sex clubs. A good site to start with is Swing Life Style.
Dear Professor Foxy,
I have a question about natural vaginal lubricant. When my partner and I have sex with each other, our hands tend to be all lube-y afterwards. Sometimes the lube is clear and of a water-like consistency while other times it is thick and there are globs of moist white chunky gunk. I've noticed this with other women with whom I have been intimate. I'm just curious what the difference is between the two kinds of leftover lube and what the white chunky stuff is.
Thank you!
Full of Natural Lubrication
Hi Lube -
The consistency, flavor and smell of vaginal lubrication changes depending on many things. Each person is different. Vaginal lubrication comes from several places in the vagina; the Bartholin gland and the vaginal walls being primary. Where a woman is in her cycle will change her thickness and smell. Also what her diet and how sexually aroused she is will be reflected in her vaginal discharge. A sexually transmitted disease can also impact it. If you are worried about the changes, see a healthcare professional to get checked out (since you are sexually active you should see one yearly anyhow). If you are up for it, I would note how the lubrication changes depending on where you are in your menstrual cycle or how sexually aroused you are. You can also experiment with taste by eating naturally sweet fruits and cutting out red meat.
Dear Professor Foxy,
I just want to start off with the fact that I am a virgin who practices abstinence. I practice because I choose to, not because I think it makes me morally better or something (it doesn't). I started masturbating a couple of years ago, and recently I've been trying to make a habit of it. I feel there is a lot of validity in discovering myself sexually and I personally think that a virgin can be sexual. But I'm also very confused about masturbatory techniques.
Currently, my technique is to stimulate the clitoris until it results in an orgasm. It's very effective and it works nearly every time. I've recently discovered that my inner labia likes being rubbed as well. This is the extent of how I masturbate. I mean, it works and everything but I don't know if it's enough. I thought that sexual discovery would be more work. I feel like I'm missing out on something.
What my question is, what are other techniques can I employ for sexual discovery and orgasming? Or is what I'm doing enough? Should I buy some toys? How can I help myself become more sexual?
Sincerely.
Hi Sincerely -
Virgins are sexual people too and finding out what feels good for you before you start having sex with other people is one way of having great sex with other people.
Sexual discovery can be as much work and fun as we like it to be. Becoming more sexual is a process of discovering what we like. People masturbate in many, many ways (I am sure the readers can suggest a bunch). Here are some ideas from me to get you started:
1. The shower or tub head: If you are lucky enough to have a detachable shower head, apply it to your vulva. You can also position your vulva underneath the tub head.
2. Other parts of the body: Do you touch your nipples when you masturbate? Rub your neck? Pull on your ears?
3. Penetration: You can start off easy with fingers in vagina or anus or both. Use lube for anal penetration and for all penetration make sure your nails are short and smooth. A good test is to run them across your palm. If they hurt there they may hurt when inside you. You can even do the two handed method with one hand penetrating and one rubbing your clit.
4. Watching yourself: Position a mirror at the end of the bed while you masturbate or just use it to explore your vulva. Way too few people (especially women) know what their genitals look like.
5. Toys: you can buy a vibrator or dildo or anal beads to try out. Some good online (assuming you do not live near a good sex positive sex toy store) sites to check out Good Vibes, Babeland or Early 2 Bed. You can also call these stores to ask for advice. Early 2 Bed offers a great beginner kit.
If you have a question for Professor Foxy, send it to ProfessorFoxyATfeministingDOTcom.
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White chunky gunk sounds like yeast, though as Pfof F says, can aslo be a sign of an STD or be perfectly normal. If the gyn says yeast, try eating ygurt or using it in the vagina instad of the slimy creams (works well and much cheaper. And less slimy.)
I recommend tea tree oil against yeast (diluted in water of course). I tried everything, nothing worked but that and OH THE RELIEF.
Mine looks like that sometimes. If there are no other signs of a yeast infection it's prob. normal.
Personally I notice my vagianal discharges very pretty extremely across my cycle-- to the point that even my partner knows where I am in my cycle based on it. I get pretty white and heavy right before my period-- I always figured it was my body getting hormonally ready to menstruate.
It makes sense that different people would vary, and that these types of things would change based on birth control methods and other factors.
@Sincerely
As someone who's likewise spent a lot of time unpartnered and thus exploring sexuality solo, a couple of things I learned -- particularly when I was first trying to figure out how to orgasm on my own.
First, for me it required a lot of patience and quiet time/space for just paying attention to my body and sensations; how things felt and where I was emotionally. what sort of fantasies turned me on and what I wanted to do with those feelings.
Being mindful and taking my time were definitely key to getting off. And once I'd done it a few times, it got easier and easier to re-create the experience and improvise variations.
Also, I was fairly quickly overwhelmed -- and then desensitized by -- sensation/friction so things like the showerhead were way too much. I know a lot of people don't find this to be the case, but just wanted to point out that sometimes light touch is better than heavier massage techniques.
Finally, as geeky as this potentially sounds, it was really helpful for me to read the 1970s book The Hite Report which collects the responses of women to a questionnaire regarding their experiences of sexuality. It's not necessarily scientifically rigorous, but it was really helpful for me to see the diversity of experience and techniques people found worked for them. I liked that it was actual personal narratives and not a fictional, romanticized, story.
Thanks for the link - it's fascinating! I'm going to buy a copy as soon as I can.
For the virgin flying solo: it wasn't until I hit middle age before I started paying attention to my G spot during masturbation. Now I wonder why I neglected it all that time. I find that I can stimulate it merely by kegeling (without anything in my vagina.) Makes me really want to do those Kegel exercises! If I stimulate it directly when masturbating, my orgasms are more satisfying and "hold" me longer than orgasms obtained through clitoral stimulation alone.
So, don't overlook your G spot!
Personally, the G-spot doesn't do anything for me. I don't know if I'm just stimulating it incorrectly, but I've tried EVERYTHING that people have told me. It just doesn't work.
For some it doesn't do much, just makes you feel like you have to pee. I think there is a lot of sensationalism surrounding it. It's not necessarily appealing to everyone.
=)
For the masturbating virgin:
I'm not a virgin but recently decided to practise abstinence until marriage myself and I've just been recently realising that I masturbate in pretty much the same way every time and in the past it's really affected my partner sex - I get stuck in a rut easily and have to be stimulated in exactly the same way each time or nothing happens. Don't let this happen to you! I've decided to go on a bit of a 'masturbation fast' as of late to give my sexuality time to reset and work itself out on its own...so it's really good that yr asking this question, make sure you do something about it before you get to this point!
...she asked how to discover her sexuality and your advice is to stop masturbating? I don't understand how that would work.
Maybe if she kept at it she would find more new things that she liked :)
It doesn't seem that not masturbating is her advice...
I read the comment more as "mix things up or else you'll get in a masturbation rut like I did."
She said she's on a "masturbation fast" - which sounds like she said "don't masturbate".
Which sounds like pretty unhealthy advice to me - I've been masturbating daily since I was about 13 or so.
I've found it's much better than sex with a partner - which isn't a bad thing! Parnered sex isn't for everybody, and if masturbation works better than sex for you, go for it!
There are no masturbation "laws" or "rules" and whatever works for you works for you!
But sexual self-denial is no fun!
Daily masturbation is much better!
I really don't see how not masturbating for a few days is unhealthy...
I do it pretty frequently because the resulting pent up orgasms are more fun. And like the OC said, sometimes my parts get too used to a very specific kind of stimulation. Taking a break for a few days definitely gets things back to a level playing field. I've heard similar claims from ladies who use vibrators as well.
It may not make sense to you and me, but the commenter wants to give not masturbating a try for awhile. That's her decision and it's kind of impossible to aver in such cases that it's the prima facie truth that daily masturbation is better, apparently since her method seems to be working for her at this time.
Based on how aideenjohnston closed her comment with "it's really good that yr asking this question, make sure you do something about it before you get to this point!", it seemed fairly clear to me that she was advocating against anyone getting to the place where she did where she felt that she needed to stop masturbating to "reset" her sexuality (her words).
It seems like people zeroed in on the part where she said "masturbation fast" and neglected to read how in the rest of the comment she wasn't advocating doing what she did; rather she was commending the OP for wanting to try new things.
Yes! I am surprised people misunderstood the comment.
Bingo ;)
The 'fast' is going well so far, I feel like I'm getting into more natural rhythms of arousal (it's complicated) and I'm not too frustrated! I'll probably go on for another month or so before starting back up again. And no, my advice was definitely NOT 'stop masturbating'.
Might I hazard a guess that because I said I was abstaining y'all jumped to the conclusion that I am anti-masturbation?
I think it is possible that if you masturbate in the same way all the time you might have trouble getting off from other types of stimulation, but the solution is probably to try varying how you masturbate, not to stop doing it at all.
Did the "fast" work?
I've noticed that the hornier I am, the more 'watery' and slippery it is. And when I'm not as horny but have sex anyway, it's more thick and goopy.
You're probably horny because you're ovulating.
Cervical mucus during ovulation is clear and slippery, sort of like raw egg whites.
Our bodies seem bound and determined to get us knocked up! :-)
Hmm, I've noticed mine is like raw egg whites sometimes, but I'm on the pill so I better not be ovulating...
For the couple looking for a threesome: the SLS website recommendation was right on target. I've yet to meet up with anyone on that site, but people in relationships looking for a third should check out the swinger scene. Although the word "swinger" has a lot of stigma and stereotypes attached to it, and there are some issues with the way that most swinger groups are constructed in terms of being male heterosexist, those types of groups are the most accepting of couples looking to play together. It can be tough but if all goes well, it's rewarding.
I also occasionally have whiter discharge, as have my previous partners. If anything different has been going on (like itching, or unusual smell) it could be an infection, but I get it plenty of times when I certainly don't have an infection. For my previous partners and I, it's pretty much normal.
Could be wrong, but it felt to me that Sincerely was sort of...asking for validation to try some penetration play in her solo ventures. I say, go for it! It won't "ruin" your virginity. I like all types of masturbation, but sometimes it's extra nice with my slim, pink vibrator slipped inside of me. :)
I tore my hymen during penetration play when I was a virgin. It kinda freaked me out a bit because of the slight bleeding, but didn't hurt or bother me physically. I don't know if that's normal, but perhaps Sincerely should keep that in mind if an intact hymen is of importance. But then again, there are so many other ways to tear one's hymen that don't involve penetration. Guess that makes my comment neither here nor there :) Let's make it an FYI ;)
Hymens are tricky things, aren't they? :)
Truth is, hymens can be torn from something as non-sexual as vigorous bike riding. My own hymen must have been torn from an early age, because I never experienced the pain or bleeding or anything tearing during my first time. I remember being a young teen (still a virgin) and trying to "feel" my hymen and never being able to...
Well, IMO anyway, broken hymen shouldn't = non-virginity. You are a virgin if you haven't performed consensual sex acts (not just intercourse) with another person. If you have, you aren't. I have a pretty loose def, though, trying not to make penetration the "holy grail". lol.
Oh yeah, if she was looking for validation, go for it. It might make your first experience with sex with a guy much less painful!
who said she was straight? ;)
Dude, I am so confused about discharge I give up. And yeast infections as well. Are they still yeast infections if they dont itch? or smell? or burn? or whatever. I just give up. Im currently not speaking to my Vagina until I get this worked out in my head...gr
Yeah, I hear you. I've had pretty heavy discharge since I was 12 and have had to wear pantiliners daily since I was 13 (got really tired of the mess and smell and having to wash pants so often). My discharge has been whitish, yellowish, gelatinous, thick, watery, black*, and so on. And ALL of that is under the spectrum of "normal" if you talk to a gynecologist, but if you ask around on internet forums, everyone will say "it sounds like you have an infection/something wrong." No. My vagina is just like that neighbor who vacuums too much. It likes to ... really, really, really clean itself.
For those who are on the pill and say their discharge changes, I find mine changes too. I've been on the pill for six years and rarely take a withdrawal period. But it still varies a bit. Usually between the slightly thick ordinary everyday kind and the sort of ... glue peeled off of a document type. But I think that still makes sense. If you take the withdrawal period your hormone levels are changing, and even if not, outside factors make them change as well.
As for yeast, my yeast infection that I had for two years after convincing myself it wasn't yeast only itched. No burning and no smell and no weird discharge. Everything was the same as always except my vag itched like NUTS. Yes, two years. Yes, I regret not getting it checked out sooner. It started my first day of uni so I don't know if it was stress or what ... but yeah. Unpleasant. If you just get one major symptom of a yeastie, I would say to get it checked out.
And I know everyone loves yogurt or whatever other remedies there are, but I really liked diflucan. It worked like a charm on that 2 year monster. And was easier than shoving stuff up my crotch. Ymmv. I did the 1-day ovule thing when my bcps made the yeasties come back. It was nice too. Again, ymmv.
*I don't mean black as in spotting (which is more brown). I mean ... looks like hoisin sauce. Before I went on the pill for endo I knew EXACTLY when I was ovulating because my ovaries would hurt and I would get that black discharge. Apparently ovulation bleeding is totally normal.
Try a menstrual cup. If most of the discharge is coming from your cervix, it'll reduce your need for panty liners.
I hope everyone is OK with threesome advice from a guy.
If your boyfriend and you only want a threesome with another woman, your options are going to be a lot more limited than if you're OK with another guy. If your boyfriend is bi, all of a sudden, your options open up a lot.
If you're wondering where people who might be open to meeting socially, and possibly hooking up for some form of group sex exist, my experience is that fantasy/science fiction conventions, kink organizations (The Eulenspiegel Society in NYC, for example), historical recreation groups, etc... are good places. Pretty much any group of non-traditional thinkers who're at a large gathering has a good chance of containing someone who you *might* hit it off with, who also might be attracted to the both of you.
But going to such an event with the intent of just meeting someone and having sex will give you guys a predatory feel, and you'll deserve it too. It's sort of a paradox. To get what you want, you need to not be hunting for it, just receptive to it. Be casual. Be able to enjoy just snuggling with interesting attractive people if they offer it, and *don't* take it as a sign of impending sex. Be in a place where, if someone is close to you, but they then tel you they're not interested in sex, you're OK with that and still want to hang out with them. I'm not saying this will make them want you, but not having a predatory vibe widens the dating pool.
I have to agree with everything Josh said. Seeking a hot bi babe unicorn online (@ adultfriendfinder, craigslist, okcupid, and other couple/poly-friendly sites) is not going to be as productive as being open to meeting someone in person. I have stopped identifying as bi online, because of the dogged persistence and inability to 1. read my disinterest or 2. fuck off, from couples wanting to try a threesome, and know several other women who have done the same thing.
what happened to the weekly feminist reader?
Seconded! I've been stalking the site all day for it.
Perhaps I'm derailing here, but I honestly cannot fathom wanting to not find out if you are sexually compatible with someone until *after* you've committed your *entire life* to them, so maybe you abstainers out there could enlighten me: why?
It doesn't seem like a derail to me, as long as you're genuinely curious.
I'm not interested in abstinence-until-marriage myself, so I can't speak to your original question -- but I wanted to point out that people can practice abstinence in a lot of different ways and contexts, and it's not always "until marriage." It can be until they're in an exclusive relationship, or for a specific amount of time, or as a way of setting sexual relationships aside for awhile while they focus on another activity. And "abstinence" means different levels of physical intimacy to different people -- anywhere from avoiding relationships altogether to anything-but-piv-intercourse.
So "abstinence" doesn't always have to mean you don't explore sex and sexual compatibility with a partner prior to marriage. Although depending on what you're abstaining from, I imagine it could make exploring those things much more difficult.
That's why a virgin should be sexual! There are plenty of sexual acts one can do without explicitly having sex. Cuddling, making-out, and petting, etc. Shamer-abstainers want people to believe that these acts will *always* lead to sex, but really they can be ends unto themselves. I consider myself a sexual virgin, and whether I wait till marriage or no, I don't know yet. But I'm not going to bar myself sexually until then.
Ariel - so what acts define "sex"?
I think virgins can have health and good sex using a sex toys. U can check also a lot of good sex toys in sinlesstouch sex toy store.