This past weekend the media was full of violence. Between the tragic Binghamton shooting and the shooting of three police officers shot and killed in Pittsburgh, (and that was only the weekend, we have several examples in the last few weeks of violence) it seems that violence is very much a part of 2009.
I write a lot about the relationship between violence and oppression, but this post is not about that. I realized it is rare that we talk about how we deal with hearing all these violent stories, how we deal with experiencing violence in our lives or how we cope with the trauma of hearing, knowing, experiencing and internalizing violence and trauma.
Reading, writing and thinking about violence so frequently gets depressing and I realized if I wanted to hack it in this type of work I needed some ways to cope. These are some of my strategies to stay positive:
1. Look at pictures of kittens and/or play with my very very cute cats. It has apparently been proven that there is a decrease in blood pressure upon the petting of an animal.2. Work out! I am a fan of yoga, running, walking, biking and rock-climbing. I go to the gym at least 4 times a week. It has done wonders for stress management.
3. Read motivational books about spirituality and enlightenment and write in my journal. My favorite book to read for inspiration is Daily Mediations for People of Color by Iyanla Vanzant. I keep a copy next to my bed and go to it when I feel I need some positivity.
I realize there is so much work that needs to be done in the realm of violence, both physical and psychological and one of the ways I seek to find solutions is by keeping myself as centered as possible. I channel a lot of my anger at injustice into my writing, but sometimes that causes more anger and well, it goes on and on. It is a daily struggle.
What are your strategies for staying positive and centered?
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I've been doin number one for a long time. I'd go to icanhascheezburger or youtube to look at adorable kittens. My cat is at home and I am away at school, so I only see her rarely, though ;_;
I have never admitted this to anyone, but I visit icanhascheezburger daily...
You are not alone. Believe me.
**raising hand**
Me too--i can haz kyute kittehs daylee...
Building off of the gym comment:
I love to lift weights when I go to the gym. I go to the gym about 5x a week, and lift weights 3x a week. It makes me feel strong and powerful, and it's easy to track your progress as you're able to lift more and more weight.
I used to be terrified of running. But after working at it, I was able to run a mile at a time - then two miles - then three miles - and now I'm at four miles. Every time I reach a new milestone, I feel hugely accomplished and invincible. Being able to do something I had once convinced myself I could not do got me past a big mental block with working out and self-advocacy. It helped me to feel that I was not restricted by my past fears or limited by what I think I can't do.
Cooking helps me to get my mind off of whatever is troubling me. It's something I can focus on completely, losing myself in the different ingredients and looking forward to nourishing myself.
Cleaning also helps me clear my head and makes me feel more positive about my surroundings - when I can motivate myself to do it.
Flirting with cute random guys in public is fun and relaxing. I also enjoy watching sweet, light movies on Netflix Instant Watch :-D
I recommend 'Penelope' and 'Arranged' for the Netflix Instant. Both are sweet and light!
I loved Penelope! Christina Ricci is one of my favorites. Anyone know if she is a feminist?
After a quick googling, it appears that she is actually an outspoken feminist. Yay!
I see a distinction between "staying positive" and "coping." Staying positive by focusing on good things is absolutely essential for mental health and happiness. But it's not the same as actually coping with, actually dealing with, these heavy issues. Finding reprieve in distraction and small life pleasures is the easy part, but the violence is still there.
Is it even possible to truly come to terms with something so horrific? Are our two choices really just "this is bad" or "think about something else"? Or is there some better lens through which to view violence that gives perspective, without excusing it?
haha, your comment hit home on a very deep level for me. I have a lot of emotional experiences that happened very close to each other that I have absolutely not dealt with. So, I do the "think about other things" tactic, and then often when any of it comes up, it just snowballs into me crying and losing it. My "push it down" mechanism is very strong, but my "actually deal with the problem" mechanism is very weak.
And this isn't about violence per se, but I think that there are a lot of issues in this world that you just can't think about or you will be completely messed up. Like the fact that monetary systems are completely fabricated. Even a "gold" standard is fabricated, as there is a difficult value to shiny, malleable rocks. Thinking about that drives me nuts, so I just don't think. The same with atrocities that happen everywhere around the world. If you think about ALL of them, then you are sort of left paralyzed. I have to consider one small issue at a time, rather than thinking about Gaza, Darfur, Tibet, Afghanistan, Iraq, my backyard, US as a whole, violence against trans people, violence against women, etc., etc. all at once.
While I love feminism and would not trade being a feminist for the world...it does take a toll on me emotionally and mentally. Lately I've been finding it harder and harder to not get downright bitter and angry. I feel so overwhelmed by all of these things that as one single person, I cannot change. Sometimes feminism makes me feel empowered, these days it mostly makes me feel like I'm in a hole one mile deep and one foot wide.
My general stress management is taking out my frustrations on my muscles at the gym. Not in a self destructive way, mind you. I like to lift weights and cycle until I feel like I might hurl. Sleeping is my #1 favorite but I don't get to do that very much these days.
"Lately I've been finding it harder and harder to not get downright bitter and angry."
I had that problem when I started getting really into feminism for the second time. I think it's really important for mental health to sometimes, even often, take off the 'feminist patriarchal critique' hat and replace it with the ability to see the positive side of things from a feminist perspective. Otherwise it is impossible to watch movies or TV. So while watching/reading Harry Potter, instead of focusing on the fact that JK Rowling picked a boy to be the hero, think about how awesome Hermione is and how awesome it is that a single mother became incredibly rich and famous. And when thinking about Twilight, instead of just thinking about the negatives, think about the fact that a woman directed a movie that made a HUGE blockbuster when there are so few female directors. And that a movie which has a girl as the title character made vasts amounts of money the same year Sex and the City made vasts amount of money, which was a year after that Douche at Warner Bros said that they weren't going to make anymore movies w/ women as the title character after that Jodie Foster movie flopped because they "weren't profitable."
When looking at things from a feminist perspective, (almost) everything has a negative and positive side. If you only focus on the negative, you will go FUCKING CRAZY.
Though be wary about responding to posts by mentioning the positive aspects of things, because they will descend upon you and tear you apart. And that's not good for mental health either!
i totally know how you feel. feminism has enlightened me in so many ways, but lately i often feel really overwhelmed by all the negativity and i find it hard to keep my perspective a lot of the time. just remembering that i deserve to take up this space on this planet is sometimes a struggle. anyways thanks for posting, it's nice to know someone else feels the same way.
I like to give and recieve hugs to cheer me up :-) Thank you for posting this though, I think we feminists need fuel to keep us going in this world that can be oh so sad sometimes.
I have faith in the idea of equality in the same way some people have faith in a god. There is a beautiful thing out there called equality, and we are not even exactly sure what it will look like, sound like, or taste like. But I know it will be wonderful and I am looking forward to it.
In the words of Ani DiFranco -
you have to believe that mercy has its own country
and that it's round and borderless
I find balance in my garden. I have a humongous front yard garden and this year I'm working on the back yard, which is a behemoth of a project (we live on a slope categorized as steep). There's just something about the growth and regrowth of plants and the feeling of earth crumbling between my fingers that keeps me grounded. Not to mention, it's a great way to stay in shape, which is important for managing mood and depression. I think I lugged about 100 40-pound bags of dirt last year, 10 bags of mulch and countless retaining wall bricks just in making my side yard garden last summer.
I was going to mention gardening, too. In addition to the wonderful benefits you mentioned, there's a metaphor to gardening that helps me through tough times - I can't always control all the ulginess that goes on in the world, but I can tend to my garden. A weed springs up? I can pull it out. A corner is barren and dull? I can plant things of beauty, of nutrition, of salvation. It thrives because of my watchful eye, my patience, my vision. The harsh realities of the world disappear when I'm working in my yard - only peace, love and beauty live there.
I have to third this. Gardening really helps me clear my head. Just being outside, enjoying the beauty of nature, reminds me that the world isn't all bad.
For me my greatest comfort in the world are my children. My oldest especially seems to know just when I need a hug or a kind word. Lying on the couch with them talking about their day reminds me that there is goodness and innocence in the world.
I work researching sexual assault. I have to read interviews with victims and survivors and compile the research into something that means something. It really, really takes its toll on me.
There is a book called "Emotionally Involved" by Rebecca Campbell. It's about looking at how people cope with researching violence. It discusses that it's important to feel the feelings that are associated with violence and to have avenues to let off stress. Especially talking to other people about it.
Personally, when I get too inundated and stressed out with images of violence against women, I have to take a break from the worst of it and work on the peripheral stuff. Realizing that you have limits is an important part of dealing with violence. It's okay to take a step back. It takes SO MUCH longer, but the mental health is worth it in the end.
One way I deal with all the trauma and violence in our world is reading Feministing. It's really my only source for news. I find when I read other news sites, listen to radio news or watch TV news, I get way more stressed, because I feel so alone and then start to doubt myself. This site provides commentary on the issues that are posted, so I feel like "someone else gets this too, sees the craziness, and cares." Plus, y'all post funny things too and the comedy breaks really help.
I'm also pregnant, so when I get too overwhelmed, I think about the little one growing in my uterus and focus on the joy of that instead.
As I was a freshman here when the Virginia Tech incident happened, I've found that I now cope with everything the best by just being able to unwind with my friends.
Every time mass violence has occurred in the last 2 years, VT has been mentioned, and it's hard for those of us who lived through it to have to be continuously mentioned and put back into perspective with something new. In my opinion, every incidence of violence is its own and shouldn't be compared to another.
As independent as I like to believe I am, when it all becomes too much, I decide I need to take a step back, cut myself off from the news, and go be with friends who are doing the same.
Meditation - Reflecting on the light beyond the darkness, and remembering that darkness is merely the absence of light.
Conversation - Talking with other people about our joys, our struggles, and our work for justice.
Smoking - Probably not the best, healthiest option... but smoking a couple cigarettes certainly calms ME down after a heated bout of feminist fury.
Watching Documentaries - SEEING how people combat oppression. ALWAYS enlightening, and ALWAYS reminding that people do fight back with peace.
And many, many more. If it really gets the best of you, stress management classes (that are actually usually put on my recreation and leisure associations in your community) are AWESOME.
there are healthier, more illegal things to smoke that calm you down. Frankly, that's the only way I've kept off anti-depressants.
I spend some time with my daughter, who is not quite two. We sing songs, and read books, and walk, and just sit and cuddle. It rejuvenates me, and it reminds me of why I'm fighting so hard for a better world.
I spent the last three years doing work where I researched and read almost exclusively about violent crimes and extreme forms of child abuse.
I was exposed every day to some of the worst elements of human behavior. One of the strategies I learned for dealing with this was reminding myself that I was not responsible for what happened.
It is normal to empathize and feel sad or guilty when exposed to violence. It's also common for people (especially in helping professions) to develop secondary trauma from exposure to trauma - even just reading about it or dealing with the victims. It's important to recognize the validity of your feelings that these are truly awful things you're exposed to; but that you aren't a part of it, you can't do anything to change it, and you're not responsible for it.
But, that's much easier said than done.
I agree with ElleStar that stepping away is often the most effective way to deal with it. And having people to talk to. Being able to vent - whether you're crying, yelling, or just kind of shell-shocked by what you've been exposed to - can be the most therapeutic thing for you.
I stay as tight as possible with my radical friends and comrades; we keep each other afloat and take care of each other. Mutual aid prevents burnout. Stories of resistance and victory are also beautifully inspiring.
Thank you for writing this.
There are so many things that I want to add that I can't seem to form a coherent flow of words. But recently I had a break down after reading a news story about child abuse and I don't know why this particular story hit me so hard but I was completely immobilized. I couldn't stop crying for an entire day ( a time that seems so insignificant compared to the abuse suffered by the child) and during that time I was telling myself that the genuine sorrow I felt was warranted and that maybe if the child could somehow feel my remorse for what had happened they would be comforted. I was able to talk about it to my partner who just listened. It really helped. This happened months ago but sometimes when I'm falling asleep I get images in my mind of that child. I know it is not my fault. I feel guilty though for living in a society where abuse like this happens and I feel guilty for not knowing how to change it.
Thank you for your response. I want you to know that you're not the only one who feels that way. I struggle every day with feelings of guilt and being ineffectual in terms of changing the world. I have similar breakdowns all the time; usually in public places like the train, no less. It's awkward. Not that I'm bawling, more like huddled in the corner seat trying not to be obviously crying lol. oh well. life is hard sometimes. really.
big hug from me.
So glad to see you here again. So many good tactics here, in your post and the comments. It took me 45 years to realize that I am in control of how I feel. When anger, frustration and sadness start to overwhelm I stop (physically stand still), close my eyes, take a deep breath and say to myself "I choose not to feel this." I'm not advocating abolishing these feelings, it's part of being human after all, I just don't let them take over anymore. I know this sounds trite and simplistic but I've found that often times the most profound things in life are simple. At the end of it you are the only thing in life you have any true control over.
One of my biggest ways of dealing with this type of thing is music. I have playlists for so many different emotions, and listening to my Bad Day playlist to let me cry it out or my Kickass Mood playlist to bolster myself up again can really help me work through tough emotions.
Oh, and I have another coping mechanism. His name is Rufus, and he's half poodle, half yorkie. My puppy = love.
I agree with everyone has eloquently said. I also work in the violence against woman field. I find venting my frustrations to coworkers, friends, and now my therapist (yay health insurance!) is helpful. I also enjoy my corny Pauly Shore movies and exercising.
sleep.
take a long, hot shower.
have sex.
go drive through the mountains.
clean.
listen to chopin or bach.
listen to some ridiculous pop song on my ipod on repeat.
call a friend and bitch about whatever it is.
go get a margarita with a friend and bitch about whatever it is.
go swimming.
take my kid to the movies, or to get ice cream, or what have you.
go to one of my spiritual places: church, library or art museum, and enjoy the quiet.
stare at a painting i love for as long as possible.
pray.
snuggle with my kid. or my cats. or my fiencé.
go running.
read w.h. auden.
bake a ridiculously complicated dessert.
I work in the domestic violence/sexual assault realm, and we are perpetually confronted with the most egregious examples of sexist oppression. As part of my work, I catalogue domestic violence related fatalities by combing through news clippings about crime in my state, and the first time I did it last fall, I sat in my office by myself and sobbed.
When I was in college, I rode the tidal wave of feminist rage for a long time before I realized I wasn't riding it anymore, I was drowning in it. Everything was slanted toward violence and sexism and oppression when I looked at it, and the world became a very ugly place. I started looking for the wildflowers- my own relationships, my fat cat, pictures of adorable kittens, videos of baby panda bears going down slides, pizza, sushi, sunshine... All the things that make it an awesomely anticapatory experience to wake up in the morning instead of a heavy, scary, and pointless one.
I'm still angry. And I'm still dejected and feel helpless and hopeless sometimes. But those feelings are paler than than the hope I have for our world now. And I like that I'm actively part of making it better.
And when the hope isn't enough, or it drops out from under me, I drink wine. ;)
"When I was in college, I rode the tidal wave of feminist rage for a long time before I realized I wasn't riding it anymore, I was drowning in it. Everything was slanted toward violence and sexism and oppression when I looked at it, and the world became a very ugly place. "
This is exactly what I'm feeling.
ditto.
since edmonton has been blessed with warm spring weather, i really like sitting on my balcony in the sunshine with my guinea pig (who looks even cuter with sun shining on her).
i just want to say thank you for posting this, samhita. i've been in therapy for awhile now, but am just now uncovering the layers of trauma i experienced as a child and working through it. sometimes i walk out of my sessions feeling great and powerful; other times i leave feeling so hurt and hopeless that i can't really function very well for a couple of days afterward. it's all really exhausting and i'm finding that i have to make the effort to find positive things to soothe these frayed nerves.
i think it's vital to good mental health and overall well-being to focus on simple things that can remind us of our strength and our self-worth, especially when we feel repeatedly traumatized either by personal experiences or by the barrage of horror in the news and around us. so this post was a great reminder to me of how essential this is for me (and clearly, many others) right now.
things i do to calm/soothe/center myself:
- buy myself some fresh flowers and put them on my desk
- brew some great coffee and enjoy it while i do a crossword
- take a long shower
- go for a walk
- open up my blinds to let natural light in
- pet my cats and watch them play
- clean my apartment
- watch imogen heap's vblogs on her youtube channel (these never fail to make me smile)
- check out http://www.hugnation.com
- give a hug to someone i know and give them random encouragement
- ask for a hug from a close friend, my person, or my mother (human touch is so important to healing and well-being)
- masturbate
- read some rumi
- turn on some music and move my body a little bit
- roll around on my balance ball, stretch, breathe
- turn on groove salad on soma.fm
- read a couple of articles here: http://good-news.alltop.com/
some of these strategies are new ones for me, but they do help.
i wish you all strength, courage, and peace. we're all just doing the best we can...
I find temporary distractions to be very useful, a way of refreshing/recharging my brain so I can come back to the tough stuff without being so drained. If you're avoiding it permanently, locking it away in some box in your head, yeah that can easily get unhealthy. But focusing on something more positive for a while to give yourself a break, before returning to actually deal with what you have to, is not the same thing as not coping at all.
I come from a background as a former self-harmer, and always a person with depression (even if I am not currently in the midst of a depressive episode.) Things can sometimes effect me far more adversely than your "average person" so my coping mechanisms/distractions/etc. are very important to me. They're the reason I am currently able to remain unmedicated and still able to happily deal with life (and in this I am very lucky/fortunate.)
Some favourites:
-Music (happy or angry or sad, can help bring me up or can help me express angry/sad emotions in a healthier way than some other methods.)
-Friends/family (they can hear me venting, which is good, or they can just be a distraction in themselves, which is also good. Sometimes you just need to be reminded that there are good people in the world. And for me this includes physical contact quite often too, also good.)
-Physical activity (I discovered hoop-dancing roughly a year ago, not only does it release endorphines when I engage in the activity it does wonders for my self-esteem to put my mind to learn a new trick/etc. and then achieve it.)
-Kitties. Need I say more? Affectionate animals in general really. Photos and videos of cute baby animals, or spending some cuddle-time with my two kitties who love me unconditionally. Works wonders.
-Going for a long walk outside. I love doing this normally, and physical activity reasons aside it can be simply amazing to see the natural world around me, or the nifty things we humans have created, and so forth. I love doing this particularly on summer nights when I can see the stars. Star-gazing is also good.
-My spirituality. This can take many forms, but it gives me immense solace. Not everyone has a religion/spiritual faith, but there are many other options. Some more agnostic/atheistic yet scientific-minded people (of course you can be scientific-minded and still religious/spiritual, and believe it or not you can be an atheist and not all that heavy into science either) have found solace in such general spiritual concepts as pantheism, and there are other options, philosophy, etc. My spirituality is not all goodness, light, and rainbows but it can still give me hope, broaden my perspective, and various other things.
-Making food! Comfort/binge eating can become a bad thing, and I've been there myself though thankfully never at an eating-disorder level, but there's nothing wrong with making up some tasty food for personal gratification. Or to feed those close to me whom I care about. Or a combination of the above. Can also be a good way to spend time/collaborate with friends.
-Cleaning/organizing. I seem to do this more often when stressed actually, that is the house gets more messy when I am fairly at peace with myself and the world. Something about making sure everything is as it should be, and doing it myself so I know it's done right, is very soothing. I particularly enjoy washing dishes by hand at night without a bunch of bright overhead lights on.
-Alcohol, when managed carefully/responsibly, can be a good way to wind down. I quit smoking over a year ago but previously would have added that to the list as well. I sometimes enjoy a drink with dinner to wind down after a tough day, or I enjoy combining things like music/friends/physical activity/etc. -with- the alcohol on, say, a weekend evening of dancing. YMMV, it's not for everybody, and again one must be careful/aware in order to keep it from developing into a problem.
While I agree that being a feminist and being so in tune with the world's social ills can take a toll on you, I am so glad we have all found this site--and many others--where people just like us can come together and debate and share ideas. We are kindred spirits and it makes me so happy to know that there are smart, hilarious women out there representing feminism. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has felt like the lone feminist in her group of friends or family, so it warms my heart to know you're all out there. I did have a little meltdown this weekend when I checked the news and read a story about a man who killed his five children after his wife left him. Add that to the mass shootings in NY and PA. I was at a family gathering and cried out in exasperation (maybe screamed) "I'm so sick of men massacring people!!" Just when you think you can't take it, it happens again. Will it ever end?
Hmm...things that make me happy and bring me peace...I would have to say....
-Watching Miyazaki movies...My Neighbor Totoro RULES!!! when it comes to cheering me up and making life make sense again.
-Listening to my ipod on the street. I'm sure other high anxiety feminists such as myself can attest to the mild (or not so mild) agoraphobia that can seize a person who does not feel safe out in the world....when I listen to my ipod outdoors, it is like walking down the street, while safely nestled in a warm, gooey womb..............ahhhh.......
-Ordering Dominos pizza and cheesy bread and pretty much anything bad for me. Eating is oddly comforting, you know.
-BUYING CANDY! Like a bagful. The brightest and most colorful I can find. Gummy bears rule!!
-Listening to hyper techno/electronica songs.
-Pondering the really weird mystical experiences that I've had throughout my life. It's easy to get caught up in the (seeming) drugdery of life, causing it to lose its magic...but I think of these experiences and I feel connected again somehow.
-Looking at lolcats.com! hahahaha *sigh*.
-Lighting candles at night.
-Listening to new age music or just nature sounds on repeat.
-Looking at pictures of nature.
-Sending my friends funny and random videos or pictures on myspace and then observing their puzzled reactions.
-Trying new things and realizing they aren't so scary after all.
-Shopping at crazy punk stores. Experimenting with clothing and colors and patterns.
-Little girl hair clips RULE.
I wish you all happiness and I hope you pursue the things that make you happy (however seemingly small and insignificant) and never feel bad about them or think of them as being small and insignificant. If there's anything I've learned in my 20 years on this planet, it's that these little things have the power to change my whole day around.