Check out this guest post over at Shakesville, from a woman who has had an abortion and given up a child for adoption:
I'm the birth mother of an adopted child, vehemently pro-choice, non-Christian, very unsuited to motherhood, and after over a decade, have got some things to tell the world about adoption. It's been stewing since I heard about the recent rash of pre-abortion ultrasound legislation. While I am touched that so many men in such various states are so deeply worried about women possibly being all sad from having an abortion, I wish to point out to these compassionately bleeding hearts that the alternatives are not exactly without their own emotional consequences.I have given a baby up for adoption, and I have had an abortion, and while anecdotes are not evidence, I can assert that abortions may or may not cause depression - it certainly did not in me, apart from briefly mourning the path not taken - but adoption? That is an entirely different matter. I don't doubt that there are women who were fine after adoption, and there is emphatically nothing wrong with that or with them; but I want to point out that if we're going to have a seemingly neverending discussion about the sorrow and remorse caused by abortion, then it is about goddamn time that we hear from birth mothers too.
Believe me when I say that of the two choices, it was adoption that nearly destroyed me - and it never ends. The only comparison I have is the death of a loved one. The pain retreats, maybe fades, but it comes right back if I poke at it. Writing this has taken me nearly two weeks. Normally, I can write this amount in about thirty minutes, with bathroom breaks. I started to type, and stopped only to reread, then go wail into my pillow. There is no such thing as "over" with this.
Birth mothers are a demographic seldom heard from, and then generally only in the context of how soon they want to "replace" their lost child. This is a huge WTF to me. I went into a self-destructive tailspin for over a decade, and never once thought that maybe a new doll would do the trick. Yet every support group, every online forum, every possible resource I found, all zeroed in on this one-size-fits-all panacea. I didn't want a new baby. I never wanted any babies in the first place. I also didn't want an abortion, and I don't see how any of my reasons for any of this are anyone's business, either. It was my choice to make, and that is that.
Read the rest here.
These are important perspectives to keep at the forefront as adoption is touted as the preferred alternative to abortion.
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I think the Shakesville writer offers an important perspective. People who propose adoption as an alternative to abortion often don't realize that this is a situation that carries many complexities for all parties involved--the birth mother (and sometimes father if he's in the picture), the adoptive parents, and the child. It's not easy.
That said, people should be aware that the options available for women considering carrying to term and adoption are very different from what they were even a few decades ago. It is possible for people to have experiences that are different from this woman's experience. If anything, one of the good things availability of abortion has done is to give more leverage and voice to women considering adoption, leading to the creation of options that take their needs more into account.
Excellent post! The same thing happened during the Amish schoolgirl mass murder:
http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/10/02/amish.shooting/index.html
The Amish massacre was a hate crime against girls and women, yet the media refused to report it as a hate crime. The killer separated the boys from the girls and then shot and killed several girls. I read several news articles about it and none said the man was sexist, printed a statement from feminist groups, or called it a hate crime.
The media is extremely male-dominated which is the main reason why they go out of their way to hide sexism. They report about it sometimes, but not enough that is required considering the enormous damage it has on society and when they report it they do it in such a way as to put as much blame on women and girls as possible and try to take away as much blame from men as possible. Overall, they are viciously sexist and their false portrayal of this German hate crime is another sad example of their hate towards 50% of the earth's population. Solution: 50% women news staff at every level and a feminist review board to ensure girls and woman are treated as equal to boys and men.
Sorry, I posted my previous post in the wrong section. I reposted it at the post "Gender "disappeared" in Albertville school shooting."
Regarding this issue. I believe the birth bond is very powerful and more studies should be done about the psychological effect of adoption for the birth mother. For a long time I was very saddened by people paying a woman to use her body to host their child. Womb renting is actually renting a person's whole body and this practice is becoming very popular in third world countries because wealthy people exploit poor women with little or no regard for the mother's psychology.
This is a very important issue. It's a powerful feminist issue dealing with valuing a mother and to a larger extent, valuing women and understanding us rather than seeing us just as objects. We are people with feelings and the problem a lot of pro-adoption people have is that they refuse to acknowledge the strong emotional bond between a mother and her unique birth child.
My heart is breaking for the woman who wrote this. I can't even imagine the pain she must be feeling. I do want to say something about adoption though.
My two youngest siblings are adopted, one from china and the other cambodia, my brother and sister are my treasures, and they make my life so happy and wonderful. I wish I wish I wish I could thank the women who gave birth to them, for giving me two of the best people in the world to love. I'm sure the adoptive parents of her child feel the same way.
I can't begin to imagine how horrible and complex it must feel to give your child up for adoption.
But as someone who has experienced the good side of adoption, I think it is a Good thing to do. Obviously, that doesn't make it any easier but I think it is a beautiful thing that more people should willingly do with their eyes wide open.
I can't begin to imagine how horrible and complex it must feel to give your child up for adoption.
But as someone who has experienced the good side of adoption, I think it is a Good thing to do. Obviously, that doesn't make it any easier but I think it is a beautiful thing that more people should willingly do with their eyes wide open.
Wow. That's a heartbreaking post.
The author is right, there needs to be far more discussion of the psychological effects of the birth mothers in adoption. I do wish the author was a little more specific in that I don't feel like I understand in what way the counseling was self-hatred based. I'd like to have a better grasp of the kind of shaming birth mothers were/are up against.
I'd also like to see how open adoption compares. I've only really become familiar with open adoption over the last couple of years. A friend of mine gave her unexpected baby up to a very nice couple for an open adoption, so far everyone seems pretty happy with it. Though as per this birth mother's post, I haven't explicitly asked how my friend is doing lately. I haven't wanted to pry as opposed to simply not caring. From the family web site, they all seem to get together pretty regularly.
I don't plan on having children of my own, but I've thought about what I'd do if I had an unexpected pregnancy. This post hits home because the experiences of birth mothers is something I've heard shockingly little about.
I'm halfway through reading Ann Fessler's "The Girls Who Went Away: The Hidden History of Women Who Surrendered Children for Adoption in the Decades Before Roe v. Wade". It has completely changed my idea of what it might be like to give up a child for adoption. Adoption is an essential and important option for women experiencing unexpected pregnancies but we need to provide a lot more support for those who give their children away.
Julia,
I hadn't read through all the comments before posting my own, but I am also halfway through the same book right now. It's quite the eye-opener. I feel that one of the most damaging aspects of what these girls had to go through (besides, of course, the fact that they could not abort or keep the baby out of wedlock) is that many were allowed to feed and hold their baby for three days prior to being cut off from their infant. Allowing these girls, who had no choice in how to deal with their pregnancy in the first place, to bond with their newborn and then deny them access to him/her is horribly cruel. Many of these girls (most of whom were not able to obtain birth control) were shamed, shunned, and irreversibly psychologically scarred by their adoption experience. I think that the situation for many pregnant women and birth mothers has improved since those times, especially with allowing open adoptions (and, of course, allowing abortion), but that doesn't mean that choosing to give your infant up for adoption is without it's emotional repercussions.
The stories in that book broke my heart. The amount of coercion, shaming, and complete unwilligness to support them is appalling.
This is an excellent post, and I hope that it (and stories like it) get more circulation. In my criticism of the "just give it up" arguments, I've been focusing on the physical and financial costs; I hadn't felt qualified to talk about the emotional costs.
This is such a tough issue. My parents could not have anymore children after me, and had given up trying when my 16 year old cousin became pregnant and could not afford to keep the baby. My cousin did not want to have an abortion, so she agreed to give the baby to my parents. My immediate family greatly benefited because my parents really wanted 2 children. They also thought it would be really nice to keep the baby in the family so he could have a relationship with my cousin and she would have the opportunity to watch him grow up. This arrangement ended up being really difficult for her, and she has often expressed to me her regret in "giving him up". She's watched him grow into this amazing person (he's a young adult now), and wished she had had more influence. I don't know how things would be different for her, had she either kept him or given him up for adoption to a family that she did not have contact with.
In addition, the adopted child (sometimes) will have issues with abandonment and self identity.
Anyways, my point is that I agree, adoption can be very emotionally trying for all parties involved.
My heart is absolutely breaking for this woman, and thank you to her for sharing this part of her life. I cannot imagine how it would feel to give up a child for adoption. But I am thankful for women like the poster and others for coming out and making their voices heard. Women, who give up their children for adoption, are not just able to move on; they have lifelong reprecussions. Every prolifer in the world will spout off how women who have an abortion will forever be depressed and regret their decision, but while there is little to no evidence of that being a life long problem, there is no mention of what a woman who has given her child up goes through. It is time to maybe focus on that and realize that restricting women's rights is not the answer, but sex education is. People need to stop thinking that women need time to realize their maternal instincts so that they don't have an abortion they will regret. Of the women I know personally that have had an abortion none of them regrets it past, as the poster stated, the road not taken. The women, who have abortions, have thought it over; they know the consequences, but they are choosing this option, as is their right, because it is the best choice for their lives, their psyche, and their health. If you are going to talk about the psychological ramifications of one choice talk about them all; don't chose what "truth" you are going to tell.
I have to be honest. As much as I intellectually support the author of the post, I emotionally recoil from any parents who regrets the existence of his or her child.
Wow. I did not get that from the post at all, just the incredible pain from someone who didn't feel capable of caring for their baby and so gave it up, and now suffers enormously because that is a unspeakably hard thing to do. Where are you seeing that she 'regrets the existence of [her] child'?
An interesting line from the comments section in the Shakesville post:
I recognize that it's very likely that [my birth mother] was coerced into carrying me to term. I recognize that she may have, at great personal sacrifice, made a choice that allowed me to have a (really great) life. I'm really thankful, if it was indeed her choice. And I still stand firmly on the principal that it would be better that I not exist than that she should have been coerced. Which has been a hard thing to wrap my head around, but is a necessary realization to come to in order to be consistent in my pro-choice beliefs.
Again, this is something I intellectually support, but emotionally it makes me sick to my stomach.
-1 I hit "Liked" instead of "Reply".
I'm pretty bothered that you feel the need to not once, but twice, point out you are sickened that someone might acknowledge that having a child might not have been the right choice in a situation.
I understand it's an emotional reaction, but no one is telling a particular child they wish they had never been born. Recoiling and shaming people for being honest, doesn't change how they feel, it just hampers valuable discussion. I know people who, in my silent opinion, have not been ready for kids. The kids are poorly cared for, have been abandoned, or are just miserable. A couple of the parents have, in darker moments, admitted quietly that they think that having a kid may have been a bad choice. It's not a judgment of the kid's existence, and it's something that people deciding whether or not to have a kid really need to hear. It's hard to look at, but if no one is allowed to dissent, allowed to admit they feel they made a bad choice, it paints a warped and hurtful perception of parenthood. Too many people are pressured into having children for the wrong reasons, and then demonized for not being happy, and both they, and the kids, are the worse for it.
Basically, I'm really against shutting down honesty through shame.
It's not a judgment of the kid's existence...
Wait, how is it not a judgment of the kid's existence? Saying that you wished you had aborted your child is a statement in which you judge their worth to be less than the burden of birthing/caring for them.
Of course it isn't. By that reasoning, every regret is a condemnation of everything good in your life, which is absurd. I have a handful of regrets, things I wish I had done differently -- yet at the same time, I know that, had I done them differently, my life would not be what it is now. Does that mean I reject my life and everything in it? Of course not!
It's way more complex than you make it, and, to be fair, probably requires a bit of cognitive dissonance. The dissonance, however, is not of the intellectually dishonest sort, as when people, e.g., claim to love the sinner, hate the sin, but instead of the practically-necessary-for-survival sort. Kind of like the skeptic philosopher who lives a normal life, makes plans, and contributes to society in spite of the technical epistemic futility of doing so.
Bringing individual "worth" into the argument is awfully close to the anti-choice rhetoric of "but what if the baby you aborted grew up to cure cancer"?
I think that your emotional response is almost exactly what the author is expressing- that bring a fetus to term and giving birth = a person, while having an abortion does not. She mourns the loss of a person, thinks about that person's existence- and it isn't a theoretical person, it's an actual person she knows exists. It would be easier if that person did not exist for her. It's not as if she's wishing the person ill or gone- just, for her, that person being in the world is very very difficult.
I also wonder if semantics aren't important in these cases. You are reacting to her being a "mother" and not having "maternal" feelings but I would argue that physically giving birth and being maternal are so, so different.
Recognizing that, at that time in your life, having a baby under a specific set of circumstances was not a choice you would repeat, is a different thing than wishing that specific kid hadn't been born.
You have to separate the series of events from the life of the individual. It's not thing personally against the kid, any more an abortion is something personally against the fetus, but that the adult isn't equipped to deal with having a child. I know someone whose parents got pregnant at 20 and dropped out of college. He was loved and wanted, but his parents were certainly not going to advocate that as a good choice for him to repeat. It's separating the situation from the individuals.
I am also glad that this perspective was posted. My family has a long and complicated history of adoption. There have been all different kinds of adoption, including open and adoption of children from other family members. Adoption has both hurt and helped my family. It is a complicated issue that is not easy to address. I feel so often that people in the "pro-life" camp dismiss the difficulties and complexities of adoption.
I am adopted and have often wondered about finding my birth mother. I have not decided if this is something I actively want to pursue. I am afraid that my parents would feel hurt and that my birth mother might not want to know me. All though I would like to know more about where my genetics come from. I also wonder about how my life would have been different if I was not given up for adoption. I would have been the child of a single mother who is 22 and was working class. I was adopted into a nuclear family with a completely different set of issues and complications.
Are there any stories that other adopted people would share with me about reuniting with birth parents? Or birth parents who have reunited with children?
revivinggemma,
Have you read the book "Molly By Any Other Name" by Jean Okimoto Davies? It is a maturely written Young Adult fiction book from the 80s and well worth buying used.
It's about a girl of unknown East Asian ancestry who was adopted (domestically; U.S. birthmother) by an older European-American couple. At age 17, Molly wants to know more about her birthmother and biological father. It's an emotionally gripping journey taking us from the moment Molly decides she wants to meet her birthmother, to the fraught reactions of her loving parents (who are worried how it will change their relationship to their daughter), all the way up until the eventual meeting and aftermath.
The author, Davies, writes sensitively about the subject in part because her mother was adopted and went through a similar journey to Molly.
I think sometimes fiction has a way of reaching us that makes it just as valuable as real life.
Sorry, the name is Jean Davies Okimoto.
This is a hard topic. I have some personal experience with this because my biological grandmother gave my dad up for adoption because some really really bad stuff went down when my dad was concieved.
My dad has spent his entire life (in my opinion) dealing with the issues that sprang from his conception. The insecurities, the self-hatred, and the search for some sort of acceptance. I can't speak to the birth mother angle but sometimes I think abortion is the best option.
I have trouble making up my mind on this issue for exactly this reason. First I understand that sometimes its better to abort; however, on a personal level I wouldn't be here today if that option had been chosen.
The only conclusion about choice vs anti-choice that I have been able to come to is that people should be able to choose whatever they want, while recognizing that in this case all decisions are equally bad. But hey, nobody said that we lived in an ideal world.
The only conclusion about choice vs anti-choice that I have been able to come to is that people should be able to choose whatever they want, while recognizing that in this case all decisions are equally bad. But hey, nobody said that we lived in an ideal world.
I’m going to go ahead and give you the benefit of the doubt here and assume you didn’t realize how shaming this statement is to a woman that have made one of those choices and doesn’t feel “bad” about it. Your personal views about reproductive options are not those of every woman.
"I’m going to go ahead and give you the benefit of the doubt here and assume you didn’t realize how shaming this statement is to a woman that have made one of those choices and doesn’t feel “bad” about it. Your personal views about reproductive options are not those of every woman."
Please, I didn't mean anything like that. I did not mean to say that one option is better than the other. All I meant to say was that the decisions a person has to make about the future of a fetus in a situation where the resources aren't present for the child to be taken care of present there own unique problems. No easy answers present themselves. I'm trying to be open-minded and not impose my values on something that is incredibly complecated. I guess I should have said that whatever a person chooses whether to abort or to give the child up for adoption is a very hard personal choice. I see both sides of the argument. Unfortunately because we live in a society where horrible people sometimes take advantage and force themselves on other people no option can be taken off the table. Everyone has the right to choose for themselves and all choices are equally hard.
Gotcha. You meant "bad" as in difficult or hard, not wrong or immoral. I was seriously giving you the benefit of the doubt(that statement certainly seemed out of tone with the rest of your comment).
"I’m going to go ahead and give you the benefit of the doubt here and assume you didn’t realize how shaming this statement is to a woman that have made one of those choices and doesn’t feel “bad” about it. Your personal views about reproductive options are not those of every woman."
Please, I didn't mean anything like that. I did not mean to say that one option is better than the other. All I meant to say was that the decisions a person has to make about the future of a fetus in a situation where the resources aren't present for the child to be taken care of present there own unique problems. No easy answers present themselves. I'm trying to be open-minded and not impose my values on something that is incredibly complecated. I guess I should have said that whatever a person chooses whether to abort or to give the child up for adoption is a very hard personal choice. I see both sides of the argument. Unfortunately because we live in a society where horrible people sometimes take advantage and force themselves on other people no option can be taken off the table. Everyone has the right to choose for themselves and all choices are equally hard.
Thank you for sharing this - I think that posts like this are great. Sometimes, it can seem so petty to reduce the complex and interrelated feelings of women, men, and children to "pro-life vs. pro-choice." This article helps us to step away from that and consider an aspect of that debate based on the true experience of one woman (who, I have no doubt, is speaking for many others who have had a similar experience) and helps us to gain greater insight into the complexity of reproductive rights. The way that I see it, "pro-choice" doesn't mean "pro-abortion," it means opening up the freedom of choice to all people.
Great post. The emotional and psychological consequences of being a birth mother are discussed at length in the book I'm currently reading, The Girls Who Went Away: The Hidden History of Women Who Surrendered Children for Adoption in the Decades Before Roe v. Wade, by Ann Fessler. The concept that adoption can be more psychologically damaging than abortion was brought up by a woman interviewed for the book who had been through both processes. It's really a side of the issue that the anti-choice/pro-life folks don't acknowledge, and it's worth bringing up.
I understand whats being said here but the reason adoption is touted as being the preffered option is because you are giving life, and giving another woman the chance to be a mother...which is a beautiful and selfless thing.
That being said, I think it's really important to hear the voices of birth mothers and for women who are thinking about adoption to be aware of the possible after effects.
What the author describes in her post is anguish and trauma, not beauty and selflessness. Maybe you should take your own advice and actually listen to what these birth mothers are saying.
Anguish and trauma and beauty and selflessness are not mutually exclusive. Love is selfless and beautiful but often incurs traumas and anguish. I perceive love in her post. Love for herself and for others that might be helped by her sharing.
I can't adequately express my thoughts and feelings, but thank you for highlighting this hitherto invisible issue that affects so many people who don't feel they can talk about it.
My thoughts are with the author and I wish her all the best.
We do need to consider birth-mothers' stories and hear their voices as a greater part of the whole unexpected pregnancy debate; especially, seeing as, of all parties, they have been the most silenced.
What an important, under-represented issue. I will definitely pass this along.
Total nitpick- as a person who hopes to adopt in the future... I would have preferred to have the headline be "what adoption can be like." I would imagine there are birth moms with a slightly different perspective, as there are the "post-abortion now pro-life" women too... But it is so important to remember that CHOICE is important.
In my life, I have done many things. Among them: had an abortion and placed a child for adoption. Like the original poster. Unlike the original poster, I am also an adoptee, and I have contacted my birthmother, who answered many of my questions yet inspired still more. I have seen many sides of the issue, and have only one strident opinion on the subject – or possibly two.
The first is that I don’t believe it is legally or morally ethical to conceal information about an individual’s DNA “for their own good” or for “privacy.” While the US has greatly reformed the practice of sealed adoption, it’s still not at the point where it is in Europe, where records are open. I think it is similar to lying to a patient about their diagnostic tests. Everybody has the right to know all they can about their DNA, and very soon technology will make the whole issue moot.
The second is that different people have different experiences. For me, becoming a birthmother was a healed the pain I’d been carrying around since the abortion. I understand other women experience the opposite.
No point has been made by turning reproductive rights into a fight between “adoption is more traumatic” and “abortion is more traumatic.” I have personally known people who have experienced pure happiness and devastating trauma from both. Arguing that one is more painful strikes me as the sort of argument that takes place on schoolyards.
As an adoptee, I have a hard time promoting the argument that I shouldn’t exist; I’m very glad that I do. And as a person who has gotten pregnant at the worst possible times – twice – I understand that as well. So when the issue turns black and white and people cease communicating and commence arguing, I tend to excuse myself from the discussion because I believe that both sides are wrong, especially when the argument focuses on “my pain is bigger than your pain” or “I know exactly how every woman should feel.”
I hope that eventually public opinion will mature to the point where we acknowledge that women experience devastation and ecstasy and everything in between surrounding all factors of reproduction, from falling in love to meeting grandchildren. That doesn’t change the basic fact that we, and nobody else, are uniquely designed to gestate humans and therefore should have determination regarding the process.
Reproductive autonomy is a terrible yet precious burden, and to carry a burden, one must be strong.
I’m from the older generation. I frequently disagree with this blog but I read it anyway, and am glad someone is doing what you’re doing.
I am a birth mother myself, and after five years I still feel an immense sense of grief over having surrendered my daughter. I have had days in which I will just imagine what my daughter's voice sounds like, or think how different she might be if she were being raised by myself and my family and not her adoptive parents, and just start crying uncontrollably. Whenever I am asked if I have any children, I usually don't know what to say, because I gave birth to a child, she survived, but lets just say no one is going to be giving me a "Happy Mother's Day" any time soon. I am usually told I am "brave" for making the decision I made, but I did what I had to do, not what I wanted to do. I honestly feel like I copped out because I didn't raise her myself, going through what I knew would be just my family and myself raising her, all of us being poor, and not anywhere near being better off financially.
I get freaked out as to how I am going to react when I have a child again, will I go through PTSD? Am I going to look at my future second daughter, and just get caught up with how I was denied the chance to raise her older half sister? I am glad that I have a partner who is completely supportive, and will understand any reaction I have to our offspring that would be, well, unsettling to think of from a mother. This is hard to write this, mostly because there are so many thoughts, but I am glad that this was posted. Adoption from the birth mother's perspective is hardly ever talked about, and when it is, she is usually portrayed as a saint because she was so "selfless" (you know, not just disadvantaged in a society that seems to hate poor, single mothers). But really, God forbid she feels any grief about the situation, because she made the "choice" to give up her child. I am sure the anti-choice people really don't want to hear about how their perfect alternative for a pregnant woman's desire to have an abortion is really more detrimental to the mother's long term well being then if she were to be allowed to have the abortion she has every right to have available to her.
P.S. Thank you for reading what seems to me a not so coherent train of thought. I should be in bed now, but I wanted to post this comment immediately :)
Seiobo, I couldn't read your post and not respond.
I'm a birthmom, too. 10 years in. Our adoption sounds like it was much different from yours--ours is open (but we have chosen no visits at this point), and generally happy and fullfilling. My heart hurts for all of the birthmoms who were not as lucky as we have been. It hurts for you.
I wanted to let you know that when my first daughter was 7, I had another daughter. I too was scared of what it would feel like--would I be sad when I "should" feel happy? Would I be angry at having given up this experience with my first? I wasn't. The birth of my daughter was such a joy. Her childhood has been a joy. I treasure every single moment I have with her and now her little brother. I don't know if I would have appreciated the hard times as much if I hadn't placed my first daughter. Every moment is literally a treasure and I know how lucky I am to have them.
I just want to give you some hope. That your future children, should you choose to have them, will be so lucky to have you as a mother.
And also, because it is so important to hear--Happy Mother's Day. Sometimes, being a good mom is something one has to do alone.
Miriam I take exception to the "What adoption is really like" headline. There's a great variety of experience. Some who've had an abortion and placed a child for adoption would describe just the opposite experience - the abortion was much more traumatic. Neither one of these women is "right" or describes what it is "really like" they just have a different experience.
I must echo Notmyrealname's comment that it doesn't benefit anyone to argue what's more traumatic abortion/adoption.
There seems to be tone to the title and the comments here to the effect that "adoption sucks, so you better get an abortion instead." Isn't the idea here that women should have choices either way? For many women adoption is a better alternative to abortion for an unplanned pregnancy. If a woman chooses adoption instead of abortion is that choice not good enough for you?
As hard as it was for me, who was adopted as an infant and had a good experience with it, to read this, I'm glad I read it, and glad that it's being discussed. I do concur that it should be remembered when people knee-jerk suggest adoption as a painless, ethical-issue-free alternative to abortion.
As someone who has also been in the position of wanting a child and having difficulty conceiving, I hope people will also remember it when others knee-jerk suggest adoption as a painless, ethical-issue-free alternative to fertility science.
I read this and thought of my best friend. She gave her baby girl up because she felt it was in her daughter's best interest. I met her ages afterward but I know how it much it haunted her. I wish I could have shared this with her but she lost her long struggle with major depression last summer.
I want to say to the author, Sister, you're not alone. When my adult daughter located me I was so indoctrinated I thought I needed permission for us to reunite. And when I told my newfound therapist that I was reunited the first thing she said was, 'oh wow that's the thing my friends(adoptive parents) fear most!" as if it's all about the adoptive parents. So when I read your addendum I felt angered that you felt the need to apologize for having feelings! Damn. But I recognize where you are coming from because from the day I gave my daughter away I was never allowed to talk about it to anyone ever again. No one wanted to hear my pain. For self preservation I had to believe what I was being told, that I had done the most altruistic thing. Giving my daughter to a family who were so much more deserving (because they were married) of her than myself kept me somewhat sane. I had no mourning, no grieving period for having lost the child I so wanted.
In 1967 abortion was illegal and contraceptives were unavailable or hidden behind the pharmacist's counter. Families were shamed by religious dogma dictating that their children not be sexual so when found pregnant the only choice was to give your baby away. Counseling consisted of being told by the agency to just forget about it. The message was 'go away' and we slipped into denial, shame and a fear of being found out even hiding this deed from those we would come to love. And while things are different these days, few states have laws upholding open adoptions and many are closed by adoptive parents after a while.
A small part of my story was chronicled in the book by Ann Fessler, The Girls Who Went Away. I have been active in promoting open records for adopted people in my state along with many other mothers. I am happily reunited with my daughter now and she is an integral part of my life.
I am a woman/mother who had no other option other than adoption in 1964 at the age of 17-18 yrs old (unwed). I also had a 'medical abortion' less than a year after losing my firstborn, newly born babygirl to adoption. I am a believer in 'choice' in all facets of a woman's life. Abortion was not legally an option for me in 1964, nor was access to birth control pills as an unmarried young woman. As much as I have regretted the loss of my firstborn to adoption, is as much as I feel my 1st pregnancy was a 'forced' pregnancy, because I had no other options available to me. Yes, I had sex and I had sex with a guy I loved...sex happens, always will.. even without love as a supposed qualifer. I did not want to be pregnant, I did not want to be a parent..I did not want children at that point in my life. But because of the non-access to birth control and the unavailability of legal, safe abortion in 1964, I was forced to remain pregnant. But a funny thing happens to a lot of women...they come to love the child they are carrying inutero. Not once in my adult life have I ever regretted the abortion, but I cannot even begin to tell anyone how much the loss of my newly born babygirl would negatively impact my life and the lives of my subsequent children born to me. I cannot speak for anyone else, is not my right..I can only speak for me. I sincerely wanted an abortion with my 1st pregnancy..but couldn't have one because it was against the law in my state. I still have immense gratitude for the doctor who sat with me and explained all the medical and physical ramifications for the fetus I was carrying during my 2nd pregnancy, due to an illness. That doctor gave me a 'choice', something that I did not have during my 1st pregnancy. All I was told with my 1st child was that she would be better off with other people, that I would be selfish to keep her, that if I really loved 'the baby' then adoption was the right thing to do. Right, like there was any choice in the matter..the choice was already made for me. The minute I opened my eyes after waking up after the birth of my baby, and asking if I had a boy or girl..and told I didn't need to know...'the baby' was up for adoption. I am glad that women have choices today..choices that can be hard..but choices nonetheless. I am not pleased that the Pro-lifers have conveniently connected their anti-abortion rhetoric with adoption. Fertile women are not breeders for those who desire babies, whether they can have their own or not. No woman should be 'forced' to remain pregnant, nor coerced/pressured into surrendering her own baby for adoption if that is not her individual, educated choice. These choices should be left entirely up to the woman/mother herself.
I am reunited with my 'babygirl' for 10 years now. She has never thanked me for 'giving her away'..she remains quite angry that I 'left her'. I implore all women to fight for the right of 'choice'..choices that you can live with. I so never want to happen to young women today, what happened to millions of young women decades ago..not only in America, but in all westernized countries...it was a very sad and bad time..to be young, unmarried and pregnant.
As a side note, I am 'Christine' in Ann Fessler's book and from what I currently know Ann's docu-film based on her book "The Girls Who Went Away' will be released later this year (2009).