I'm very excited to be able to introduce a new series on Feministing. We've been playing around with the idea of a sex advice column for a while now and it's finally here!
Thanks to Rebecca for agreeing to do this column. She's a friend of mine, hilarious and amazingly well versed in topics of sex and sexuality.
About Ask Professor Foxy:
Rebecca Fox has been a sex educator since discussing how to have an orgasm in the cafeteria of her all-girl Catholic high school in Jersey. She currently lives in the DC-area with her partner and their many pets. She has worked on advocacy and policy for numerous LGBTQ, sexual health and women's rights organizations. She proudly serves on the board of Choice USA, the Washington Area Clinic Defense Task Force, and the Woodhull Freedom Foundation.
She would love to answer all your questions about sex and sexuality (since it is about more than just intercourse). One major caveat - she won't tell you how to do anything illegal. Thanks to Lawerence v. Texas, all sodomy questions are answerable, so write them in to your dirty little heart's content.
You can email your questions to her at ProfessorFoxyATFeministingDOTcom. You can also leave your questions in comments! Her first post will appear this Saturday, so check back for some great sex advice.
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Feminist sex advice, what a great idea!
Woo hoo! Welcome, Rebecca! (Sorry, Prof Foxy.)
Dear Professor Foxy:
I've recently begun to pay attention to the labels on different brands of personal lubrication. Something I've noticed is that except for silicone based lubricants they all seem to contain some kind of sugar or sugar-relative.
I've been told that sugar and vaginas don't mix.
I don't want to give my partner a UTI or any other icky business.
What am I to do?
Sincerely,
Not-So-Slick-Willy.
ooh, i'm excited about this! it just means that i'll be spending even more time on feministing than i already do... :D
Not to put down Professor Foxy's experience or anything, but don't you think it would also be helpful to have someone who was heterosexual answering sex questions too? I mean, I wouldn't want to give sex advice to a lesbian, so I'm not sure why a lesbian should be giving sex advice to me? Sure, some of the basics are the same, but I'd wager there's a lot that's different too... right? Or was there a different motivation behind the sex advice column? I know Feministing sometimes rails against the hetero-normative nature of, well, everything, but some people need the hetero-normative stuff. Especially the people who are hetero.
Have you ever read Savage Love? If not, I reccomend you check it out. There is more to sex than orientation.
So, instead of a lesbian giving sex advice to straight women, you suggest these straight women seek advice from... a gay man? Huh?
Allow me to clarify: I do not think that the sexual orientation of a sex columnist is all that important. I referred to Dan Savage because he is gay and gives great advice to straight men and women, lesbians, and trans of either orientation, as well as gay guys.
Additionally, why do you assume Professor Foxy is only advising straight women? Surely you realize that many lesbians, bisexual and trans women are feminists, and would like sex advise. There are also men here, and although I concede that feministing is not the best place to discuss gay male sex, I see no reason why a man cannot not ask about female sexuality.
I didn't say that I thought Prof. Foxy would be giving sex advice to only straight women. I know there are a ton of lesbian, bi, queer, etc. women on Feministing who need sex advice too. I'm cool w/ that. I just thought it would be a good idea to have TWO sex columnists, in order to get a range of experiences.
It sounds like Rebecca has credentials to back being a sex educator. A person doesn't have to be of one sexual orientation or the other to understand the same sexual difficulties. Her sexual orientation does not limit her knowledge and ability to give advice to heterosexuals. Seems like a silly argument.
It's not like we have a dearth of hetero sex columnists out there. If you feel you need one, read one of them.
Well, that's rather self-centered of you. Just because you personally don't feel you can benefit, it can't be on a blog that many people read?
No, that's not what I said. I didn't say Prof. Foxy shouldn't be on Feministing. I said:
"Not to put down Professor Foxy's experience or anything, but don't you think it would *also* be helpful to have someone who was heterosexual answering sex questions *too*?"
The words ALSO and TOO imply more than one person. I thought it would be nice if Feministing had sex advice therapist for women who sleep with girls *and* women who sleep with boys. I'm not sure what's self-centered about trying to make everyone happy.
It's not clear that a heterosexual woman or anyone else besides Professor Foxy volunteered for that job.
And should websites that decide that they want one sex advice columnist always pick a heterosexual? Should Professor Foxy only be allowed to advise on sites that have sex advice panels? Or do you think no website should have sex advice unless they get an entire panel together?
How do you know she won't give the best sex advice you ever read? And if not, don't you think you can find other sex advice anyway?
Maybe she's here for the lesbian readers.
Oh, wait, you want heteronormativity. Guess we don't get to count or have anyone care about what we might like.
Huh? Just because I wanted to someone who was straight doesn't mean I think someone who is gay shouldn't be here... I'm sorry that's how you interpreted what I said, but that's not what I meant and/or said.
Why exactly, do you feel that the sexual orientation of a person should preclude them from being a sex educator and giving sex advice to certain groups of people? It doesn't make sense to me - she's a sex EDUCATOR, this is her area of expertise. She has been trained and has a whole body of experience regarding this issue...why exactly would her sexual orientation automatically disqualify her from being able to answer questions from heterosexual women? Do you immediately demand that there be an LGBT sex educator when the person dispensing advice and answering questions is heterosexual? Or is it just gay people that you have a problem with being sex educators.
I'm sorry to sound a little disturbed here, but quite honestly your question sounds rude to me (a bit prejudiced too - even though I know you probably didn't mean to be) - But as a lesbian who also has an education background, I'm quite familiar with having my teaching ability/credentials questioned by the mere fact that I am gay...in fact, it's forced me to make the decision to stay closeted in all future jobs and professional work. Unfortunately.
One last thing, Questioning is absolutely correct, there's a lot more to sexuality than orientation and "P in V" sex. A qualified sex educator certainly does not have to have experienced every single sex act or sexual experience in order to be able to answer questions about sex and sexuality. A person does not have to have had, say, anal sex in order to be able to answer questions about sodomy. As long as she is a knowledgeable & experienced educator, there is no reason why she would not be qualified to answer a whole range of questions.
I'm sorry if you thought my question was rude. I have absolutely no problem with people who are gay - and the commenters who think I do are jumping to their own conclusions - but that's WHY I ASKED THE QUESTION. Because I DON'T KNOW. Sheesh.
You're right that someone who is an educator probably doesn't have first-hand experience in all sex acts that are performed. I guess I just wanted to GET SOMEONE'S THOUGHTS ON THE SUBJECT.
I am so sorry for asking a question to the Feministing community. I'll make sure not to make the same mistake again...
Stop with the "I'll never make the same mistake again!" People called you out on what sounded like a heteronormative viewpoint. All you have to say is "My bad, I'm sorry" and move on.
It IS a hetero-normative point-of-view. That is the POINT. I don't understand why having BOTH points of views is such a huge deal. I'm not apologizing for the question, I'm just sorry my question was not said in such a way that was understood.
Yes it was. And you're acting like you're the one being attacked when in reality you said something offensive to those of us here who are queer and hear heteronormative comments all the time.
And the point is, the heteronormative point of view is the mainstream point of view in society. Whatever the advice columnist's sexuality, Professor Foxy sounds like she is highly qualified due to her background and work.
Now I'll stop flogging the dead horse.
I think part of the problem is using "heteronormative" when you might just mean "heterosexual." When we say heteronormative here, we don't just mean that we're talking about heterosexual experiences or relationships. The "-normative" part is key-- a heteronormative discussion is one that presumes that heterosexuality is the standard and anything else is deviant.
I'm sure this is not what you meant, so to avoid some of this debate in the future, you might want to be careful about how you use that particular word and similar words.
You know what? I didn't know that!
Thanks for clarifying that. That's not what I meant at all. I'll definitely be more careful in the future. Thank you for taking the time to explain that.
yes! yes! yes! Oh, I love this idea! Thanks Prof. Foxy for volunteering to do this, Welcome!
I have a few logistics questions...
When we leave our questions in comments, should we refrain from also trying to answer each others questions if we think we have answer?
Also, what exactly is meant by not answering anything illegal...For example:
[A] Questions about lesbian sex is okay? (even though the federal government doesn't consider lesbian/gay relationships legitimate)
[B] What about say for example a person under the age of 18/16 wants to ask a question about sex? (I'm over the age of 18, but I also know that there are people under that age who read this blog too)...for example, I know that in my state you need to be of certain age to purchase sex toys/masturbation aids...what if the question was about sex toys?
[C] On the subject of sex toys/masturbation aids, I read that the sale of them is still illegal in a few states (Mississippi I think is one of them?), so are these types of questions even allowed?
I'm just wondering because a while ago I posted a question about dildos/masturbation on a sex education forum and I told that I would get banned if I "did it again". They told me that stuff having to do with sex toys/masturbation aids was obscene.
Just wondering, cause I don't want to ask anything wrong (sorry for all the random questions that aren't really sexuality questions...But, I'll post my questions that I'm positive are okay in a bit)
Oops, I meant this just as a general post, except it seems I accidentally hit the reply button...just ignore that fact - I didn't mean to reply to anyone here...it's just a standalone post in response to the OP - sorry.
About legality--
Basically Prof Foxy was referring to questions involving drug use, theft, or other criminal behaviors.
Questions about sex toys are fine, questions about queer sex and masturbation totally acceptable!
If you're not sure, go ahead and send the question and she won't answer it if it's not allowed.
I just wanted to point out to Justabitoff that one doesn't have to be straight to have had heterosexual sexual experiences. I see nothing to suggest that Prof Foxy is a lesbian, rather than omnisexual, bisexual, queer, etc.
I don't think it makes a scrap of difference to her teaching ability, and I am excited (!) that we've got this chance to speak with an expert, I'm just a bit sick of omni (or pan)-sexuality, bisexuality and other queerness is forgotten.
I am genuinely curious where other readers got any idea about Prof Foxy's sexuality at all- the post doesn't say whether she's lesbian or straight or anything else.
Are people assuming from the fact that she lives with her partner? I actually live with my opposite-sex partner and identify as bi, i.e. there's next to nothing that can be concluded from that one little sentence in the post.
And of course I agree with what other commenters have said-- her individual orientation and experiences aren't really the point. She's well educated in the areas she's going to be discussing.
It said she was an advocate for LGBTQ organizations. I guess I made an assumption, but based on the words "partner" and "LGBTQ" it seemed to make sense in my head.
Conversely, if this woman really *is* straight, would it not make sense for Feministing to have someone who is a lesbian and/or someone with queer experiences? Or am I naive in thinking that makes sense?
where does it say that professor foxy is a strictly a lesbian? even if she does identify as a lesbian, that doesn't mean that she doesn't know or doesn't have experience with heterosexuality.
you said you 'assumed' she was lesbian based on the word partner and that she has worked with various lgBTQ groups. are you aware that BTQ stands for bisexual, transgender/sexual, and queer?
and of course, as everyone else as pointed out, this is her area of expertise, so it really shouldn't matter anyway.
i think you still don't understand what was so offensive about your comment. i wish i had some resources on hand to better explain heteronormativity to you, but unfortunately i don't. if you really care about any of this, i urge you to do some research.
"I'm just a bit sick of omni (or pan)-sexuality, bisexuality and other queerness is forgotten."
This bi/queer woman completely agrees! I'm sick of how other sexual identities are forgotten and erased.
Thank you! This was my thought as well. I'm in a Herero relationship but refer to him as my "partner," do seeing the terms doesn't necessarily imply gay to me. And as a bisexual, I also saw nothing in her introduction to indicate one orientation or another.
Make that, "so seeing the term." iPhone keypads!
Well, there are a lot of things that heterosexuals can do also! If she knows about the vagina's 'needs,' which she sounds like she does, I think male and female relationships could majorly benefit as well. She said, "it's more than just intercourse," and that's what I'm interested in! What a FABULOUS IDEA! Thank you, thank you!!!! Is it once a week?
We're going to start with at least every other week and it will be posted on Saturdays.
Ahhh so many questions.... Ok I'll narrow it down to this one.
I'm 18 and just started getting myself off within the last year or so. It took awhile for me to get comfortable with it, but now it's safe to say I am:)
Anyway, here's the deal. I haven't been able to orgasm very well and I've done alot of reading and asking around but I just can't seem to make it happen. Also, I've never had intercourse so I guess I'm what you would call tight, and I have a hard time using regular sized vibes.. Any advice on making it easier?
Thanks so much, hope you don't mind me being blunt... if anyone else has any ideas I'm all for it!!! Thanks
If vaginal penetration isn't that comfortable, just focus on your clitoris. Put the vibrator right on top of your clitoris and hold it there. Keep holding. You will come. If you're clitoris isn't that sensitive you can move the vibrator around on top, or you can pull back the hood. If you pull back the hood, I'd recommend using some lubricant (natural or otherwise). Also, vibrators come in different strengths. If you find it hard to come with a certain vibrator, choose a stronger one. Actually, I find that using regular body massagers (that you can buy at Walgreens or anywhere) work really well for external stimulation because they are a lot stronger.
There are lots of possible reasons for uncomfortable penetration, but try looking into vaginismus. Most websites you find will describe the most extreme cases (that prevent all penetration), which you probably don't have, but consider if you could have a milder case. Basically its where the muscles involuntarily clench up when you try to insert something. If that IS what you have you can do stretches and stuff to get over it, so its worth finding out. Ask a doctor.
I'm in my 20's and NEVER had an orgasm! It's very sad, I know. I'm trying toys but it's not working. Sex is often painful. I'm worried I'll forever be part of that 90 something percent of women who don't orgasm....=(
Wow, I hope very much you get your solution.
Don't feel alone. I'm 19 and I'm with you. :(
How common is this?
This is not a problem people people should be having!
non to sound too naive, but as someone who has trouble even discussing - not to mention engaging in coitus the idea of someone who cannot seal the deal is almost horrific.
How common is this?
This is not a problem people people should be having!
non to sound too naive, but as someone who has trouble even discussing - not to mention engaging in coitus the idea of someone who cannot seal the deal is almost horrific.
Tom (et al), according to one of Heather Corinna's recent Get Real! posts over at RhRealityCheck, 30-50% of women in their teens and twenties report not yet experiencing an orgasm.
I'd just say, Tom, that while clearly this is a self-reported problem for many people, it's also simplistic to assume it's "horrific" for everyone. Orgasm isn't the only way to be a sensual or sexual person. Human sexuality is way more complicated then one single response mechanism.
I imagine he's talking about vaginismus. Like much of human (and especially female) sexuality, it's not well studied, but estimates usually put it at around 6%.
If vaginal sex is painful, then don't do it. You don't need vaginal penetration to orgasm. Focus on your clitoris. Have you tried holding a really strong vibrator against your clitoris and still not been able to come?
Yup, a really strong one to. No success.
Whatever happened to using one's fingers? We have hands people, well, at least most people do. Fingers do a great job and they can be manipulated much easier than a vibrator. Explore your genitals, find spots that are more sensitive than others. It takes time and it takes repetition and really learning about your entire vulva, not just the clitoris or the vagina. And please don't focus all energy on a vibrator. You can also use a shower head. I am sure other people can come up with additional fun ways to masturbate and reach orgasm.
You can also find additional ways to get aroused such as porn or erotic novels, or whatever else you can think of that would get you in the mood before you start touching yourself. You would be a lot more "ready" for the physical if your mind is already there.
I'll stop here :) Good luck and enjoy.
I used my fingers. Didn't do much for me. Please to be taking your judgmental advice elsewhere, mmkay?
I really didn't read Aniri's advice as judgmental. I think she just meant it as an earnest suggestion, not to say "everyone MUST use their fingers and everything else is wrong." I would have suggested the same thing because the original questioner said that sex is painful for her and that toys aren't working, so external manual stimulation sounded like a potential alternative.
Thank you for coming to my defense. I absolutely didn't mean it in a negative way. I think any suggestion that can help someone experience pleasure and reach an orgasm is worth giving, even if it doesn't ultimately work out. Especially in this forum. Thanks :)
just FYI from the medical world - there are a lot of possible reasons for/solutions to having trouble with orgasms and painful sex. But. Medically, there's a term for painful intercourse - dyspareunia - and there are specialists who can try and figure out why you're having pain. Worth a try - it's a common problem, and although there isn't enough research on it, sometimes doctors can help. Try finding a dyspareunia specialist in your town. (Or alternative therapies, too! Don't have to be all Western-centric about it.)
What kind of pain do you have?...because I've also had pain since I was a teenager...and unfortunately, it took almost a decade for doctors to finally diagnose me with Endometriosis.
But, I also had trouble having orgasms at first, and I remember feeling the same way: like I would never be able to have one...but now, I am able to have one very easily, as a result of being very patient with myself, practice, and discovering what "did it" for me. (and when I talk about what "did it", I specifically mean masturbation techniques, for example, for some reason I have a hard time using just my hand, so I usually need to have some sort of "aid" aka: vibrator...Have you ever tried any? It was actually how I was able to have my first one.)
Unfortunately, you, like me, also have to deal with issue of the pain. In my case, since most of the Endometriosis treatments that are available were not an option for me (except for surgery), I ended up learning how to "deal" with the pain on my own. Through "exploration" I found ways to manage the pain: generally it's worse whenever there is something "inside", but if I focus just on the outside (the clit) then usually I'm fine...and actually after the "first one", everything sort of "clicked" for me, and I started to understand my body a lot better after that, it just got easier and easier.
Obviously, the first thing I would do, before any "exploration", is to get an exam by your doctor, get the pain checked out so you can find the best way of treating it and to make sure it's nothing serious. If you want to ask me any questions about Endometriosis, pain & symptoms, PCOS, surgery, treatments, etc., please feel free - I'd be happy to give you my email if you don't feel comfortable talking about it here. I'm not necessarily saying that you have Endo or PCOS, I can't possibly know, only your doctor will be able to diagnose you...but, certainly, whatever the pain is from, it certainly doesn't mean that you'll never be able to have an orgasm...you'll "get there" eventually, it just takes time, because unlike boys, we were not taught and encouraged to play with and explore our bodies...I'm sure that there are many women who don't end up having their first orgasms until they are a little older.
Are you taking any antidepressants or birth control pills/injections/what-have-you? All of those things can affect sexual function. I've just gone off the Pill because it was causing me problems in that area. I had the same problem with Lexapro. I talked to my doctor and she switched my psych meds and told me to try going off the Pill to see what happened. Everything works like a charm now!
Whether or not any of the above applies to you, I'd recommend going to a doctor and getting a blood test for hormone levels as well as a gyno exam to check for the conditions mentioned by others further down in this thread.
Dear Dr. Foxy,
What advice would you offer to someone who's confused about their sexuality?
I've always found myself in heterosexual relationships because my parents have some deep-seated issues towards homosexuality (they would probably kick me out if they found out I liked girls) but all of these relationships have left me feeling unsatisfied and more often than not - they are very abusive relationships. I've never been in a relationship with a woman, but all of my lesbian sexual experiences have been ten times more satisfying than any time I was with a male.
Also, I've never been able to orgasm from clitoral stimulation - only ever been able to cum from the g-spot. What's with that?
- Aileen
I've only been able to orgasm from my clit and not from my g-spot! I don't think there's anything wrong with either of our bodies; different people have different things and places that get them off.
OMFG. I'm so excited. Just when I thought I couldnt love feministing anymore than I do.
Sex is one of my favorite subjects EVER to talk about and I am thinking of even being a sex columnist one day.
I have TWO questions:
1.) Me and my partner have tried anal sex a couple times and it hurts so bad every time.
I am relaxed, I use plenty of lube, and we go slow and it still feels like something is going to rip. (eee!)
Is there any particular tips or ideas than you (or feministing readers) can give me?
2.) I always wanted to squirt and/or have a "g-spot" orgasm.
Whenever we are done having sex, there is always a big wet spot on the sheets after I cum, but I am pretty sure it was from my clitoral orgasm.
Is this me "squirting"? Am I really having some kind of combo clitoral/g-spot orgasm or is it just my lubrication on the sheets and not girl-jizz?
And if you think that this isn't a g-spot orgasm, then how can I get one? I've tried all kinds of positions.
I've never had a G-spot orgasm myself, but from what I've read, you want to get one of those G-spot vibes (or get your partner to use his or her fingers). And from what I gather here, lay down a towel, 'cause if you do ejaculate, there'll be a lot.
Have you experimented with other forms of anal stimulation and penetration (toys, fingers, analingus)? I wouldn't recommend anal if you don't already know that you enjoy that kind of stimulation. You really have to build up to anal intercourse.
This isn't from personal experience, but I've heard the best thing to do is to start out with something a lot smaller, like a finger or smaller vibrator, and slowly build up in size before you try actual anal intercourse. Maybe you've already tried that, though.
About anal sex, I'll add my experience, both as the entering and the receptive partner.
First, you're under no obligation to have anal sex if it does not work for you, if you don't like it, or if you prefer not to.
If you do want to try it but can't make it work with lots of lubrication, communication and patience, then:
(1) slow entry takes on a whole new meaning for anal penetration. The first time I was the entering partner in anal sex, I went in at a rate of about a quarter-inch a minute. That remained true for the first half-dozen tries. I found that process itself very intimate, but not everyone will.
(2)start small. Buy a small dildo or butt plug. Insert, engage in other pleasurable activities for about twenty minutes. By then, the sphincter may have relaxed enough to be ready to stretch a bit more. If even that is too tight, find a set of small dilators or a few small dildos and plugs and work up in stages.
(3) inflatable toys. They start as small as you need them to. They pump up one pump at a time. When I'm working up to something near my limit, I still warm up this way. One method is to put it in and pump a bit at a time; another is to slowly work it in and out, while adding a pump every once in a while. Because the air inside can push back and forth, the surface accomodates itself to the sphincter, making the pressure gentle and even.
And ... SLOW!! Pulse-raising hard porn-style assfucking of the kind one sees in porn is for people who have a ton of time to warm up and a ton of experience taking it in the ass.
Also, experiment with lubes. Some folks love silicone, which is more slippery. Water-based will dry out, but I prefer a thicker, water-based lube because I find it has a sort of buffering effect, and I have not found a really thick silicone -- I'm told they exist, but all the silicones I've used have been more liquid than jelly. I like KY, cut with a few drops of Astroglide, as needed, for anal play. YMMV.
Bonus for folks that may not have realized this: some women can orgasm from the rhythmic pressure of a dildo base on the clitoral ridge when wearing a strap-on harness. And by "some women" I mean "my spouse." But only when she's fucking me full-throttle. See note about lots of warm-up and experience, above.
Also, about Question 2, Kendall McKenzie, who comments here as SoyMilkConspiracy, is a sex columnist and has written about female ejaculation in some depth at her blog here.
The first few times I had sex, I was on top and had INCREDIBLE g-spot orgasms that would flood the bed. Seriously, we had no choice but to hop immediately into the shower. Sometimes it seemed like liters and liters of fluid.
Here I am a few years later, and I don't have those anymore, in any position. Sex is still awesome, but I wonder if I'll have an orgasm like that again, or if it was just because I was so sensitive to penetration. (I had masturbated of course, but never really penetrated myself except with a finger.)
I've recently had difficulty reaching orgasm - even when I'm by myself. I think this might be related to the birth control I'm taking (alesse), since I just did a google search and found other people have had the same problem with this same drug.
I'm feeling like, what's the point of taking bc when it means I don't enjoy the sex I'm having anymore. What method of bc would you recommend for someone who tends not to be monogamous and can't rely on the pill anymore? (alesse is the only pill that doesn't give me skin issues)
Exactly why I stopped using Yaz. I am no longer using any birth control except condoms. I don't recommend it, but it works for me. I just can't understand what the point is of taking BC when the whole reason I took it was to have sexual freedom.
does hormonal bc interfere with ability to orgasm?! I had no idea it could do that.
Birth control can absolutely interfere with libido. Many women experience this, but because it's a tapering-off, they don't recognize what's causing it, until they quit. Many doctors don't warn their patients about this possible side effect, either.
Usually it would take about 1-2 minutes or so to have a clitoral orgasm if I'm really horny and having intercourse with my boyfriend. When I was on Yaz, it took 20 + minutes, if EVER, for me to orgasm. It was horrible. HORRIBLE!!
This is exactly what happened to me. I took birth control pills for years and my drive and ability to orgasm slowly went away. I had no idea what was causing it and started to think there was something wrong with me!
I've been off them for two weeks, and I'm raring to go and able to orgasm like a charm now :)
As for birth control, I think your best bets would be barrier methods such as the condom, sponge, diaphragm, etc. or a non-hormonal IUD. Condoms, of course, will reduce the likelihood of STIs.
I didn't mean libido wise, but...the actual ability to orgasm.
I have a theory about hormonal...You don't get knocked up because you don't want to do the horizontal mambo.
I've had this problem with every.single.birth control.
I don't know how helpful this may be - being trans the configuration is somewhat different to cis-women - but only somewhat. With the male kit and hormone environment I never had any problem with orgasm, but with the new configuration - which has all the necessary parts, btw - and hormonal environment I find orgasm difficult. I feel sexy in a different way, and sometimes it just feels like I'm travelling past orgasm - it's over there - and I just can't get there, and give up exhausted. Vibrators really don't do it for me.
I do get to orgasm sometimes, but there seems to be no reasons why it works or not.
I'd be interested to know what's in yaz... I'd also be interested to know whether there's anything cyclic about when ciswomen feel most randy/orgasmic, because most trans people run their hormones level, rather than cycle.
Hmmm, I have the same sort of feeling about orgasms. Sometimes I know I'm close and then I'm done, but the orgasm never happens. Sometimes I'll have a climactic orgasm, think I'm done and then another one comes out of friggin' nowhere. It's not a huge problem or anything, but I wish my libido and ability to orgasm were more consistent and easy to predict and understand. Those things are tricky :)
yes, hormonal cycles make a difference. Oddly, many women are very sexually motivated during their period. Some women also have greater libido during ovulation.
I've had a hysterectomy so I no longer have a clue what my ovaries are doing except when I get all bloaty and PMS like. If I tracked it, I would probably find that nothing had changed in this regard.
Hi everyone!
Sorry for not jumping in sooner.
Okay, to address a couple of things:
1) We brought Prof. Foxy on not because of her identity, but because of her knowledge and expertise as a sex educator and someone who teaches courses on human sexuality at the university level. Whenever we pick one person to provide a perspective on a certain issue, it's ONE perspective. This is true regardless of whether the person is male, female, straight, queer or otherwise. Whether she chooses to refer to personal experience in answering questions is up to her, but don't make assumptions about her behavior or identity from the bio. Regardless of how someone identifies, you don't know what their history or experiences have been.
2) Logistics!
The best way to get your question answered would be to email it to ProfessorFoxyATfeministingDOTcom. Then when a specific question is answered in the post, other people can chime in with their thoughts and discussion. Not everyone's questions will be answered but Prof Foxy will do her best to touch on a wide variety of subjects.
Thanks everyone!
Miriam: Thank you for answering my question. Next time I think I will email you directly rather than putting a question in the comments section. Too many people read into things and take things out of context.
Our "experts" would be pretty limited, whether they are historians, nanoscientists, nutritionists, etc., if they could only draw on their personal experiences. In fact, we'd all be pretty limited.
That's a very valid point. I think its a respect and professionalism issue. Not that a given sex expert isn't professional, but that people (I am guessing) people are less likely to consider one to be so.
As a heterosexual male, but one that truly wishes to be egalitarian, I find Feministing invaluable for revealing Hetero-normative biases in my thinking that I'm not even aware of.
Before reading these comments, I was thinking that it would make sense for there to be both heterosexual and homosexual sex experts, but after reading the comments and reflecting, I've realized that was simply bias.
The kinds of advice I would guess would be most helpful might very well be equally applicable to people of all orientations.
Well don't I feel like a hollywood star or a Senator from Idaho with all these questions about my sexual orientation. I've thought about this and I don't think I am going to say. Mostly, I don't feel the need to justify my expertise in terms of my own experience (do we ask history professors if they fought in World War II?), but here are my other three reasons:
1. Sex educators need to have good boundaries and it turns out my sex life on a blog is my boundary.
2. It actually doesn't matter if I've slept with men, women, transmen, transwomen, gendernonconforming, etc etc because at the end of the day sex does not boil down to our gender or our sex parts. Sex and sexuality is intensely individualistic, so unless I've slept with your heterosexual lover my orientation does not really pertain.
3. Most basic of all, our orientations are not our behaviors. Lesbians and gay men do not tend to spring fully formulated sexual beings, but actually (and perhaps shockingly enough) engage in a wide range of behaviors with people of the same and opposite gender. You can say the same thing for heterosexual folks. Sexual behaviors tend to exist in gray areas, that is what keeps this interesting.
Thanks for all the great questions and commentary! I'm already hard at work on my first column.
Love,
R
I'm a 31 yo bi male. With psychiatric meds I take, reaching orgasm is very difficult, and often I do not orgasm. This makes my partner uncomfortable, he or she sometimes blames it on something they think they did wrong. How do I explain that there is nothing wrong with him or her. Also, I was sexually abused as a child, multiple times, severely. If this is causing the problem, how do I get over it? (tried therapy, went through the court system)
Wow!Good idea for feministing!
Question: How many nerve endings are in the female genital organ compared to mens?
I make the assumption that the more nerve endings the more sensitive the genital region. I've also read, from a male poster, that male circumcision terminates millions of nerve endings in the foreskin. It seems a bit skeptical to say we have millions of nerve endings in our genitals.
Come on, people! Save your anger for the deserving slime of fundieland. We're all supposed to be in this together, and Professor Foxy is offering a service. Let's give her a chance. If you don't like her advice, then don't read it. Like the rest of us, she will no doubt not be all things to all people. If that upsets you, I don't understand why, given all the truly virulent misogyny out there in the blogosphere, some of it ably reported right here at Feministing.