Beautiful. That was exactly what I needed to hear today.

Thank you!

I guess I have 2 responses.
First, I'm a guy and I think of myself as pretty openly emotional and deeply loving. I approach Valentines day as I do all other holidays, I use it in a way that makes sense to me (us really). My girlfriend and I just use it as an excuse to dote on each other (not that we need an excuse) and do reasonable things like going out to eat and make each other cards (this year I chose not to print it out because I'm trying to be more eco-minded). We don't go overboard with gifts or do anything just because "it's the valentines thing to do". As with X-mas or halloween, I don't really take it seriously and I look for the positive essence of what it might mean and try to strip it of negative influences (religious, sexist, classist).Though, I understand that just participating can reinforce.

My second response is to the being successful and single thing. I admit that I would probably be intimidated by dating someone significantly more driven or motivated than myself. It's not that I'm uncomfortable with women being successful, it's just that I think less of myself when I'm with someone I feel is so much more driven. It's not limited to dating or just women, I felt the same way about professors in college who had multi-page resumes, a seemingly limitless supply of energy, and 37 hours in their day. I also had a tremendous amount of respect for them.
My girlfriend is more motivated and more accomplished than me, but it works because when we started dating, I was younger and less aware of myself. She never makes me feel like she's intellectually disappointed by me, but I could see myself worrying about that if I didn't know her so well (like if we had just started dating).

Instead of handing over the wretched Captivating like many Christians do to their peers & daughters at time before adolescence with a book about love, I think I'll prepare to hand her a copy of All About Love by bell hooks. :)

I haven't read hooks' book, but I suspect she would not disagree with me about the following observation: heteronormative, two-person, monogamous relationships are not the only site in which "actual love" exists. This is the thing I find difficult, personally, to convey to others. I have had friendships that feel very close to love-relationships. But we are so bound up with the sex=love paradigm that these other relationships are devalued, decentralized from people's lives, and it's a damn shame. It's a damn shame we can't seem to take our critique of heteronormativity to the level of recognizing that sexual relationships do not necessarily have to be the primary ones in our lives.

I've never hated Valentine's Day but have always felt outside the "coupledom" that American society promotes and is all the more obvious on Valentine's Day. I have, however, felt myself resenting my own feelings when it comes to love, mainly because I'm usually very independent and falling in love makes that strong invincible image of myself crack and I feel "irrational" and "girly". I'm beginning to wonder, however, if it takes more strength to love someone than not; if it takes more courage to allow oneself to be vulnerable to someone else and let that person in. I'm not sure there is necessarily a good conclusion to this thought but I am definitely reevaluating how I feel about myself, my feelings and how I am in love.

My partner and I (with whom I'm in love in that crazy-irrational-uncontrollable way) just used it as an excuse to make an extra special day for ourselves, dedicating the entire day to each other. And I did what I could to disturb the heteronormative associations of the day: I suspected (correctly) that he'd take me out to dinner and get me flowers. So I surprised him by taking him out to brunch, and getting him flowers too. (which he loved.) In that way, we did what was good for us, but also purposefully strayed outside of the prescribed heteronormative behaviors for this day.

This is one of my favorite posts I've read of yours, Samhita. I especially like the idea that, as a culture, we're unsure what "real love" is because of all the items to be consumed, rituals to be performed, status symbols to be achieved, etc. that come with heterosexual relationships in particular.

As a woman in a long term relationship (and we live together), I've been noticing that Inside/Outside distinction you mention. A lot of people around me seemed to assume that they couldn't call me, nor could we hang out, on Valentine's Day! (but this really wasn't true). There's a sense that the people around us are "giving us our space" to be in a relationship, even if we want to draw them closer. I don't like that. In fact I wrote a tidbit about it just the other day, if anyone's interested.

Thanks for these interesting reflections; this piques my interest in your book!

This is a cool article and I'm grateful for the pointer to hooks' book about love. It's been a long time since I've read anything by her!

You said, towards the end: "And sometimes, maybe sometimes, it is OK for us super independent gals to love in that-crazy-irrational-uncontrollable-way too."

This disturbed me, because it really sounds like you've adopted the oppressors' language here. I realize that it's not deliberate, but I still found it startling. I know I won't be popular for pointing that out, but I thought it was important enough to say something.

The idea that feminist women cannot or should not love as freely and deeply as they see fit is something that has been projected onto us by sexists in an attempt to portray feminists as heartless, de-sexed, inhuman thugs.

This twisted storyline about feminists plays out in dozens of crummy, anti-feminist movies, TV shows, and novels where the independent Career Woman gets taught a lesson about her place in life by a man who brings her to heel through the awesome power of love. This projection is one of the most devious ways a sexist culture frightens women out of embracing feminism. When you say, "Gosh, even us tough feminists can love!" it's like an apology to the people who vilify us, and I for one don't have anything to apologize for!

A few thoughts RE societal expectations about being single vs. coupled. I'm 26 and have been perpetually single for virtually all of my adult life. There have been times when I've wished I wasn't, but more often, I've embraced it. I'm now involved in my first reciprocal, semi-functional, fairly healthy romantic relationship. And one thing I'm starting to realize is that my downright aggressive acceptance of being single, of enjoying casual sex, of determinedly NOT going out of my way to "find love" . . . well, part of that mindset is very true to who I am. But part of it was pure rebellion against the constant barrage of "everybody needs somebody" and particularly "woman needs man." I HATE THAT SHIT. And now that I am, I guess, in the coupled camp . . . I find myself running into lots of mental/emotional/social issues rooted in how much I HATE THAT SHIT. For example, I find it hard to come up with a way to refer to my significant other that doesn't have some negative/romantic/needy/sexist connotation.

I'm discovering just how much of my personal identity I had tied up in being single--always--in a way that is eerily similar to the way some people seem to tie a lot of their identities into being constantly coupled. So I stumble a little bit when I'm asked/expected to identify myself by my relationship status . . and I also stumble again and again when faced with some of the classic, cliches about love and romance.

Take the whole concept of "love conquers all." Familiar, right? But ridiculous. I believe love is a powerful thing, don't get me wrong, but love alone does not suddenly right a wrong world . . or save you from yourself . . .So I get pissed at my guy when I tell him about a struggle I'm having and he replies with something like "but on the other hand, we have a great thing going in this relationship. Can you be happy about that?" (Many friends have said basically the same thing.) Of course I'm happy with our partnership and feel lucky he's in my life, but at the end of the day I still live in my own head with me, myself, and I. I still "have issues" that being in a great relationship don't magically erase. And this should be acknowledged, and considered, and never oversimplified. Yet we seem to get so many cultural messages that do exactly that: imply that life will be perfect, as long as we can just find "somebody to love."

So I'm glad to see a "love is complicated" sort of post. Whew. Done!

Samhita, how many of those awesome, independent uncoupled women you know are living in New York and are straight? If any of them are, one very simple reason they might not have partners (if they are even looking for them, that is) is that there are simply a lot more single men than single women in New York City. I've heard it's something like 100,000 more single men than single women as of the 2000 census, which is of course out of date by now. I suspect the numbers are probably similar today, though.

Of course, raw numbers are a bit crude, as they define 'single' as 'not legally married' and don't account for sexual orientation, poly relationships, or non-married partnerships, etc. But anecdotally, I did notice that there were more unpartnered straight women around me than unpartnered straight or gay men or lesbians. (Although I am by no means saying it's a cinch to find someone great no matter what your gender/orientation/relationship preference anywhere in the world).

As odd as that seemed to me, and as often as I noticed it in a 'where are all the dudes'? way, I would KILL to be single and living in NYC right now. I moved away, and to me it's far more alienating to be the only unpartnered, childfree, 30-something around for miles than it was to be one of thousands. I miss those days with awesome single women all around me.

I'm 34 and people here ask me all the fucking time if I've ever been married and act all shocked when I say no. ("But you're attractive!" Ugh.) Sometimes they have the gall to ask, "But don't you want a baby?" and their jaws drop to the floor when I tell them no.

Anyway, my basic point in this digressive comment is that people shouldn't really be wondering if there's something wrong with anyone who's single, including 30-something, bad-ass feminist women. As far as I can tell, we're not afraid to show love, fall in love, love ourselves or anyone else.

"I spent this weekend in NYC and knew on some level that I didn't have the right to make plans with my friends that are in relationships because it was their special night."

Realistically, you don't have the "right" to make plans with your friends at all. Their schedules do not belong to you in any way remotely approaching a right. The fact that there are certain days in a given person's schedule that are pre-emptively unavailable to you does not reflect on you at all, whether we're talking about Valentine's day, our wedding anniversary, or Thursdays (even weeks chorus rehearsal, odd weeks laundry night).

I'm right there with you regarding the obnoxious commercialized aspects and institutionalized behavior expectations attached to the day. But I flat out refuse to feel guilty that my wife outranks the rest of the world in my social hierarchy, and that I set aside certain days to reflect that fact, even if one of those days is in common use by a lot of other couples.

Only love can heal the wounds of the past.

I'll see your quote and raise you an equal and opposite quote. This one comes from the Better Homes and Gardens cookbook:

EMERGENCY SUBSTITUTIONS
...
1 cup love to heal wounds of the past : 1 cup bloody satisfaction
...