Last week was an absolutely insane time to be in Washington DC. To be completely honest, if I didn't live here I never would have come for the inauguration madness.
One of the unusual things about being in DC during the inauguration were all the fancy events that were going on all week. There were ten official inaugural balls, and countless other similar black tie events throughout the week. I somehow found myself with tickets to two of them.
For me (and maybe many of you) the first thing that comes to mind when I think about a black tie event is what the hell am I going to wear? I even wrote a piece recently that was published in the latest edition of Sinister Wisdom: Latina Lesbians entitled Black Tie Blues.
What I've learned from my limited experience with black tie is that there isn't much in-between when it comes to black tie. It's pretty standard: girls wear dresses (fancy preferably long ones) and men wear tuxedos. Period. For me, a woman who hasn't worn a dress in almost three years and has no plans to in the future, it's a definite predicament.
This time around I decided to bite the bullet and rent a tux. There are so many criticisms to be made about these kind of events, about the standards created by "black tie," how they reinforce gender norms and we should get rid of the practice all together. How it's extremely classist. But the bottom line was that I wasn't willing to miss out on celebrating the Obama victory at these events (which I didn't have to pay to get into, thanks to my job) and I wanted to feel comfortable. That's what these kind of anxieties boil down to, wanting to feel comfortable in whatever I'm wearing and appropriately dressed.
Renting the tux was definitely an experience to remember. Unfortunately for me I don't know of any tux rental places in DC that cater to queer people so I had to go the conventional route. I picked the Mens Wearhouse near my job. I was pretty nervous about the whole thing, so I asked my girlfriend to come with me, which definitely helped. The employees at the store were overall more accommodating than I expected. I had to go back numerous times for different issues and by the last time I went they all knew me by name. For someone with my frame (I'm 5'2" and not skinny) it wasn't easy to find a good fit. What I ended up with was rather boxy/baggy but I felt good.
At both events, the most me and my girlfriend got were a few double takes and sideways glances. Nothing too terrible, much tamer than some of my previous experiences. The only other women wearing tuxedos were the servers. I found one other woman (shout out to Melissa!) at the second event we went to who was also wearing a tux and she awesomely came up and introduced herself, giving me props for also wearing a tuxedo. Solidarity!
Have any of you readers had similar experiences?
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I'm really interested in people's responses to this. While I'm not quite as definitively anti-dress, I deeply want a tux that actually fits me. Isn't there someone somewhere who makes this kind of thing? They'd make a killing.
I love formal gowns and I'd still kill for a nicely fitted tuxedo. It's been a reoccuring trend in high fashion for a few decades and more than a few women have worn them to red carpet events, so it's interesting that it isn't more common in "day to day" (if such a thing exists) formal wear.
Back from Google to expand on my comment. While out looking for this iconic 1966 woman's tuxedo design by Yves Saint Laurent (http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/4/42/Lesmoking.jpg) I found this quote by the designer:
"For a woman, le smoking is an indispensable garment with which she finds herself continually in fashion, because it is about style, not fashion. Fashion's come and go, but style is forever."
Interestingly in my googling I found that the majority of images of women in tuxedos fell into three categories:
1.) Pictures where the masculine aspects of the woman were played up with the intention of androgyny or complete masculinization for genderqueer or drag purposes.
2.) Pictures where the woman was merely "borrowing" a part of the tuxedo from an also pictured male, most often the jacket.
3.) Pictures where the woman in the tuxedo was fetishized and her female form beneath the tuxedo "exposed" by removing one crucial item: her pants. Given that most of this "style" of tuxedo were modeled by waitresses or dancers, the intent in exposing her legs also seems to be to remove any power the woman might have gained by wearing the garment.
If you can afford to purchase your own, you should be able to find someone to do alterations fairly easily.
Usually it's the jacket that will be boxy and needs to be taken in. As a quick fix, most fabric stores sell what looks like a small length of flat elastic attached to 2 flat aligator clips (there is probably a name for this thing, but I can't think of it at the moment). Simply attach the clips to the back of the jacket to give it a more fitted look.
Thanks so much for this post, and congratulations on finding a way to navigate the predicament comfortably and celebrate in style!
I've basically been avoiding fancy-dress-required occasions for the past several years for this very reason. I have some women's formal wear stored up from family occasions over the years, my prom dress, etc. but I really don't feel comfortable in any of them. I'm a genderqueer dyke, and my day to day clothes are nearly all from the men's department, so the idea of putting on a gown makes me more than a little uncomfortable, but I can't afford a decent suit--and even if I could I'm not sure where to go to find something that fits well without getting shit from the people who should be helping me. One of these days I'll just have to bite the bullet and find something I'm comfortable in, but in the meantime I'm still making excuses and turning down invitations.
Job interview attire has been a similar problem, but at least there are some quasi-neutral options with button-down shirts and slacks.
I have never worn a tux, but I intended to wear one to a black tie event in law school, simply because I thought it would be sexy and appropriate and comfortable and warmer. It was just too expensive, especially as I had a few dresses in my closet. I am not gay and definitely conform to gender norms. My mother was outraged that I wanted to do this.
Nowadays, I wear something like a cashmere top over pants. I can't be bothered feeling uncomfortable. And I think I am uncomfortable because the men are all dressed the same - they are the observers - and the women are all dressed up for show. And we as women are supposed to wear heels that are hard to walk in and makeup that has to be tended to, etc. It's ridiculous.
If it's fun for a person, then do it. It's not fun for me anymore. And I think it was fun because I used to be the perfect male sex object. Now I know I am worth more, I have had 2 kids, my body is not perfect any more, and now I am at these events to do business, nothing else.
"And I think I am uncomfortable because the men are all dressed the same - they are the observers - and the women are all dressed up for show."
That's EXACTLY how I feel about these kinds of things. I've always felt uncomfortable in a black tie environment but I've never been able to put my finger on why...until just now. Thanks!
Hey Miriam-- were you at the neighborhood ball?
Not sure of your feelings on Rachel Maddow, but your post made me think of this, and I thought you might be interested:
A while ago, I somehow was able to friend Rachel Maddow on facebook. After the inauguration, I came across a picture of her that some guy had taken with her at an Inaugural party (his caption on the picture says it was "outside Huffpo"). And in the picture, it seems she is wearing a suit! Not exactly a tux, but it does seem pretty suit-ish. I saw the picture and thought, "Awesome! A suit! Go Rachel!" so I thought I would share. :)
I saved the picture and then put it up on my own facebook page - here's the link:
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=31169162&l=e040b&id=36200847
Nope, I was at the Latino Inaugural Gala and the Youth Ball.
And Alralei, thanks for the Rachel Maddow pic! I would have loved to see what she was wearing. I'm glad she rocked the glasses.
I love a woman in tux! I've always thought it was perfectly acceptable to black tie events.
I like to elaborately dress up so I'll usually go the fancy dress route when I can, but I'll also break out a Marlene Dietrich-style vampy tux look. Lane Bryant (While pricey, bring a coupon) often has tux and menswear-inspired woman-tailored clothes.
Back like 5 years ago, for my senior prom, pre-transition, I was set out to find a tux for prom. I have a similar build, 5'2 and stocky. I lived in a small french catholic town and there were two places in town that rented out tuxes, I was lucky enough to have a woman that was really great about renting out a tux to someone who was clearly born a woman, and the end result was not so bad.
Only a year before that a friend had gone to that had been turned away by both places in town because of that very reason..
In small towns like this its extreamly hard to be a more masculine woman and find appropriate clothing for events like that.
I'm glad you found one though!
The girl I took to the highschool formal wore a tux with tails, hired from a menswear store with no difficulties. It wasn't a big decision because she wore typical men's clothing all the time anyway. We felt pretty cool actually, and if our classmates gave us funny looks we didn't pay attention. We also had a very supportive female teacher who had been known to wear a tux to previous formals, and I remember her phoning me that day to advise us to look out for one another during the evening, particularly if my baby dyke girlfriend was alone while in a taxi or walking down the street.
And, my current girlfriend also wore a suit to her own formal, but styled her hair and wore make-up. I have been lucky in knowing quite a few women awesome enough to just do what they like and not worry about being stigmatised :)
Thanks to you, Miriam, and to the other commenters for sharing your important experiences with everyone. My ex-girlfriend wore menswear to formal or fancy events in college, and I was always happy to be there to support her through what was not always an easy experience. Know that not only are you being awesomely, audaciously true to yourself by breaking out the tux, but you're most likely coveted by more than one woman in the room!
this site is for ftm transition but I am a lesbian and I use it for some tips like these on finding men's clothing...
http://www.ftmguide.org/shortmensclothes.html
I wear suits all of the times, but never formal tuxes because they are really expensive and all of the rental places I go to do not have any that fit me properly.
I am also 5'2'', but I am small and curvy so it is a pain because everything is all baggy everywhere but the hips/chest. If I get a suit that fits most of me, the hips and chest area will be really tight!
With suits I usually wear a guy's jacket,top and shoes and women's pants.
There are definitely tux places that can and will cater to women. When I was a freshman in college I went to one of the rental places that had door-dropped in the dorms in preparation for the freshman formal, and they were fantastic--helped me find something that fit and matched my date's outfit without ever acting weird. In fact, on a return visit they told me they were catering increasingly to women, which I thought was cool.
At the time the only issue was my one trip to the women's room at the event, but that was also before I started having horrendous bathroom experiences on a regular basis. Now I always wear a tie to Very Special Occasions, and if anything it seems to make strangers (restaurant servers in particular) more likely to correctly identify myself as a woman.
Just wanted to post a shout out to my mom. Unlike Steph's mom, my mom actually made the suggestion that we go to one of my dad's holiday parties (a work function) in tuxedos! I was a teenager and thought she was really cool for suggesting it. We had so much fun that night in our tuxedos (which we rented from such cheesy tux shop at the mall), and I think it was a real bonding opportunity for us. A million things my mom did growing up told me that she valued me for who I was and not for how I looked, and I am so grateful! I work with families now and see all the ways in which mothers can (often unintentionally) communicate disappointment in their daughter's appearance. Love you mom!