There is a great post on the Yes Means Yes blog (inspired by Jessica and Jaclyn Friedman's new book, Yes Means Yes: Visions of Female Sexual Power and A World Without Rape and maintained by the book's contributors) asking what your "real" first time was.
Thomas Macaulay Miller references to Hanne Blank's essay in Yes Means Yes the book, where she discusses the notion of rejecting the general or more "objective" form of what losing your virginity means and looking at it from a more subjective perspective. And then Thomas asks:
What was your first time? Not what other people say, not what "counts" by anyone else's definition; but your own.
Looking at it from this perspective, mine was - hands down - the first time I had an orgasm with a partner. Not because an orgasm legitimized it - but because it was the first time I really let go of all the bullshit and my insecurities. (Sorry mom if you're reading this.)
So let's have it, folks - when was your first time?
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err, umm, back when the earth's crust was still cooling. lol. I was 14. I had sex with my boyfriend of that time. Although, looking back on it, he was a complete dork and waste of my time, I enjoyed the sex. lol
At the age of 31, when I finally let go of all the religious guilt that had been keeping me from being *me,* and had sex with a woman for the first time. (I am a woman, and I was married to a man for 10 years). That's when I finally *got* it. When I finally figured out that sex is supposed to be fun.
I was 19, and sex finally happened for realsies when we found a birth control method we were both happy and comfortable with (diaphragm), so we could just plain get busy. There'd been some attempts with a condom, and he was so nervous about my virginity and making sure that things were "perfect" that it was impossible to get things going.
If I hadn't had so many cultural hangups about sex=intercourse, though, I would have known that we'd actually been having sex for a months before that.
Like so many young women, my "first" time was rape. So, I definitely don't consider that my first time. It was intimate partner violence, so I didn't even want to call it that when that's what it was. So in order to normalize what happened to me, I had a series of one-night stands just to make myself feel better and tell myself I was in control and it wasn't rape.
Anyway, I went to therapy for about six months, and really worked through my issues about it. Then, I met my current boyfriend, and we dated for about three months before we had sex, and I really consider that my first time. It was the first time I really feel that I consented completely to sex.
Kayla, I have a question to ask. Can you email me at t525881 at verizon dot net?
You and me both, minus the therapy. I've long considered my real first time to've been when, shortly before my 21st birthday, I had incredibly consensual sex with a lady, having only experienced hetero-nonconsensuality and rapes prior.
I feel very fortunate to say that my first and first real time was with my current partner. Regardless which "thing" you actually count as "it"- he made me feel special, actually cared about me feeling good and we were and still are completely in love. I also was in control of the situation. It was always up to me what we did, when. He would have waited as long as I needed and never pressured me to do anything. Maybe it sounds corny to some people, and I've nothing against anyone playing the field. But I always thought sex was risky business and promised myself in high school that I wouldn't have sex until I was in a serious relationship with someone I trusted and I was 100% confident in the situation (I also told myself I wouldn't have sex during high school and considering who I dated back then, it was a great decision).
Our anniversary is in late January- it will mark 6 years. ^_^
Your story is similar to mine, Danyell, only I was in high school. We were both inexperienced, so we took it in stages -- frottage, petting, then oral sex. First PIV was mutually unsatisfying, but it got better each subsequent time. Finally one sweaty summer evening it was downright fun -- still not orgasmic for either of us, but pleasurable.
We've been together for seventeen years now, seven of which we've been married. The sex is well into "screaming O" territory.
If I ever ended up participating in some class or group where I was expected to take a number of candies equal to the number of partners I've had (as in that one King of the Hill episode), I would refuse. That I happen to have hit the jackpot with #1 just means I'm luckier than others, not more "moral".
When I was younger, I was a mixutre of insanely shy and insecure, with a solid dash of outgoing confidence-- it was confusing a lot of the time. When I was 18, I realized that I was afraid to approach guys because I felt too unexperienced. I started seeing a friend of a friend, and informed him that I wanted to have sex. He was thrown off because he had offered to respect my wishes if I wanted to wait a while.
We had sex on our third date, and while I broke up with they guy a few weeks later because he was a jerk, I don't regret the sex one bit. My friends think I made a mistake, having sex with him before I really knew him, but I don't--I enjoyed the sex and afterwards I felt empowered and confident because I had been the one who decided when I wanted to do everything.
I spent the whole of my last year in high school fighting off the advances of my boyfriend (the poor boy couldn't even cop a feel). I was raised in a very empowered household, assured that sex was a beautiful, powerful thing, between two people who loved each other. Then, when I was nearly 20, I had sex with a boy I thought I loved. It wasn't magical perse, but I was comfortable with it and he was considerate. We were a pitcher of sangria deep and he invited me to come stay with him at a friend's house. (Though we'd been dating on and off for nearly a year, he was occupying a couch at the apartment he shared with an ex-girlfriend... a complicating factor that just got more complicated after the sex.) We did it on a futon mattress on the floor in a windowless room in Jersey City by candlelight.
We found each other on and off over the next couple of years; I fell in and out of love with him about a thousand times before he realized he loved me and, by then, it was way too late. It was tumultuous, in the way only first loves are.
It was with my second lover that I had my first orgasm, that I began to grow really comfortable with myself. There were a few in between and now with my current partner, I feel finally, completely, secure and safe to be my noisy, sexual self and very satisfied.
With sex, I think there are a number of firsts.
DizzieLizzie wrote:
"With sex, I think there are a number of firsts."
I was feeling this way but didn't have the words. Thanks, Lizzie! I can think of any number of "firsts" and they all hold special meaning for me. The unexpectedness, connection, speechlessness and smiles of my/our first simultaneous orgasm is a first worth remembering.
My first time wasn't rape because I didn't say no, but it definitely was not consensual. I was with a man who I thought I loved, I realize now that he would have been more considerate about sex if he had loved me back. I hate that I have to call it my first time. I never got any enjoyment when it came to sex with that boyfriend. We broke up, thankfully.
My first real time, the first time I really wanted to have sex, was with my current boyfriend. I loved him more than anything when we both decided to take that step. I still love him more then anything.
I don't know anything about your particular situation, obviously, and I'm not saying this to jump on you but because it concerns me a little: rape can happen without the victim ever saying no or even fighting back.
When I was nearly raped, I never said no (he was kissing me so I couldn't) and decided very quickly that fighting back wasn't going to work, but because society so often tells us that you have to be fighting back and saying no for it to be rape, it still took me a long time to realize that it would have been rape if he'd succeeded.
No, I understand that now. I did not want to have sex with him. Before I knew it, "it" was happening and I just didn't know what to say or do to stop it. I just sort of thought that is how it was supposed to happen.
I didn't realize that this experience was completely wrong until long after we stopped dating.
Can I also throw out the old "history is written by the victors" line?
You didn't turn into some broken shell of a girl; if I had to guess, you're probably stronger for it.
In my book, at least, you won. You get to define it.
"I hate that I have to call it my first time."
You don't. Subjects get subjectivity. You define your experiences.
I have a similar experience to yours I think. What I consider my first time was the first time someone saw me naked and gave me an orgasm. My first "actual" sex was with my current husband a few months later.
I lost my virginity to my first serious boyfriend, who I started dating at sixteen. We stayed together for seven years and eventually got married.
He was extremely abusive, getting worse as the years went on. Sex was something I did because I knew I was supposed to, and I knew I was supposed to like it, but mostly because I was afraid of what would happen if I said no. I'd never spoken that out loud to anybody, because it sounded so absurd and paranoid I couldn't even admit that's what I thought. But my fears were legitimized when I told my husband I wanted a divorce and he raped me. That was, obviously, a traumatic event, but to me it was just the obvious culmination of years of sexual abuse; there was no physical difference between the sex and the rape, only a difference in the fact that I'd had the guts to say no for once.
I'd never been with anybody else and I didn't know anything about sex, pleasure, or my body. What little I tried to explore was immediately shut down by him ("You have fantasies? Oh, that's sick! You want to do what? God, you're needy! You don't want to do this? God, you're bitchy!"). With no other reference point, and being completely isolated from all friends and family, I just assumed he was right. Or, more accurately, even if he was wrong, it didn't matter, because I was trapped with him anyway.
I had a lot of whack beliefs about sex, often contradictory. I thought sex wasn't actually that fun, but everybody was just pretending it was, and I had just evolved to a level of consciousness where I didn't have to play that social game anymore. Or I thought that sex was fun to everybody but me, because I just wasn't made to feel pleasure. My women's studies degree worked against me here; I concluded that I was just different and different was okay, and anybody who couldn't accept that I didn't like sex was oppressing my sexuality.
Eventually I just came to believe I was one of those people (what people? I don't even know) who just didn't like sex, orgasms, or any kind of intimate touch whatsoever. When I stopped having orgasms, I decided I was just one of "those people," the ones who didn't have orgasms, and that was just the way my body worked. I could accept that, I figured, and really it was a relief not to have to force an orgasm during abusive sexual experiences.
Then, at 23, I had an affair.
WHOOOOOOOOOOOO OH MY GOD
The sex wasn't even that great -- I mean, by later standards of sex, which has gotten so much better. I was terribly nervous, frightened, awkward, and conflicted, which kept me pretty inhibited. But even sub-par REAL sex was a whole universe away from what I'd been having. I mean, I really truly didn't know that sex was supposed to feel good. I thought the "good" part was the massive load of emotional, psychological, and intellectual work I had to put myself through in order to rationalize it as tolerable. I didn't know it could just feel good naturally, without shutting your eyes, gritting your teeth, and concentrating really hard.
Afterwards, when my lover told me, "You know, that was our first time, and it was fumbling. It'll get better," I was just speechless. Better than THAT? NO WAY. I could have lived my whole life ecstatic just with the memories of that one encounter -- the idea of more, and better, FOREVER, was unbearably joyful.
All sorts of things about myself I'd been told were gross and wrong turned out to be amazing and fantastic. For example, my ex-husband had actually told me that Kegels were disgusting, and the fact that I could do them *really well* just horrifying and gross. Or, for a graphic example, the fact that my clitoris was actually *extremely* sensitive, and my G-spot *extremely* accessible; my ex-husband had always assumed my clitoris was dysfunctional (because he always seemed to hurt it when he touched it) and my vagina just all lumpy and weird.
Before I'd had sex with my lover, he'd tried to tell me that my relationship wasn't right, that other people didn't treat their spouses this way, that I didn't deserve the abuse and could have better. I'd gone from an abusive childhood to an abusive marriage, and had no reference for a different life, and couldn't even imagine a relationship not based on abuse. I didn't even think they existed. I assumed all relationships were like mine, so why leave my husband and go get abused by somebody I didn't know?
After I had real sex for the first time, I thought, oh my god, if he was right about this... I divorced my husband two months later.
Sex is awesome!
I would probably consider it to be earlier this month, when I had sex with my first boyfriend for the first time. I met him almost a year ago now but only started dating him in the second half of November, after his ex dumped him. We've always gotten along really well, and I'm glad he was my first. We were both nervous--me because I hadn't done any of that before, and him because he'd never had sex with a virgin before and didn't want to hurt me. In the end neither of us orgasmed, but it was still nice.
My real first time is, in fact, the first time I had penile-vaginal intercourse. And it's because that's when I fully, 100% realized that I could have sex on my own terms. After waiting around for years because I was supposed to "save" myself for "someone special," one night I finally decided that I was pretty fucking special, and boned a guy I only kind of knew, who didn't know I was a virgin, and I came and it was wonderful and it didn't conform to anyone's concept of what it was supposed to be. And I still booty call the dude now and then!
my first time was like this too! i didn't have any particular religious or moral hang-ups about sex and so my decision to wait hadn't really been about any external reason. but i felt like i was supposed to wait until i found someone "special." instead, i waited until i was really ready, but when it happened, i thought, "this is it?" i barely knew the guy, but still, it didn't feel like it was any big deal. i was 19 and ready and didn't feel pushed or pressured into it, like i'd felt with previous boyfriends who i resisted.
years later when i slept with my current boyfriend for the first time, i realized what GOOD sex is! he's the only person i've ever been able to feel truly uninhibited with.
I had always dated men and I was actually dating a man when I first had sex...with a woman.
I had been raped in high school but I never considered that my first time for obvious reasons.
I was a sophomore in college and it was the most beautiful experience I have ever had. (plus the fact that it was in a sorority house with one of my sisters...that didn't hurt)
I consider this my first time because it was the first time I had been able to let myself go and have a truly altruistic and mutual experience. I didn't know at the time what this meant for my "sexuality" but now, years later---we're still in love and going strong :)
I was in a delightfully cliche relationship in high school--backseat fumbling leading to candlelight and rose petals the first time. Yeah, it really did happen that way. And though it may have been cheesy, it's a really great memory to have considering the relationship ended so badly. It's not one of those things I've ever regretted, even if it's made my life complicated sometimes.
I want to thank you guys for this post and all these responses--they're absolutely beautiful. For years, I've hated that question about whether you're sexual active that you get at the doctor's office--who are they to define that term and expect me to accept it? The responses here are so honest and raw, and show the true power of subjectivity and defining your life on your terms.
I come here for the blog, but I stay for the comments. :)
I would consider my first time to be when my hymen was finally gone, since it prevented full penetrative sex the first few times. But I don't remember it really. Virginity of any kind was never that special to me.
I was one of the lucky ones who had the privilege of growing up in a, not a perfect home, but one where I was treated as a fully functioning human. Both my mom and dad were sort of hippy-types in a way, and sex wasn't taboo the way it is for a lot of people. I waited until 18 to have oral sex and 19 for intercourse. The experiences were my own choosing and with two partners, one of whom I'm with 8 years later.
I don't know, I guess I tend to avoid the whole "first time" thing since I tend to view sexuality as more of a process of realization than a moment's act.
There have been a number of firsts on the road, all equally important. My first kiss, my first oral, my first orgasm with a partner, my first PIV sex, my first sex with a woman, etc etc etc.
I definitely reject defining "first" as the first PIV no matter the circumstances, but I also don't necessarily buy into a "first" whatever. "Losing my virginity" or rather, having sex, was a process many years in the making.
I'm with you. I have a real problem with both "first time" language and the concept of virginity, not only as something you give and/or take, but as a label in general.
I hate, hate, hate the pedestal that society puts PIV intercourse on above all other sex acts. First off, what makes it more legitimate than other acts? What, then, do gay people say about their "first time"? Is some exception made for them? Even if one is, how can you then still hold PIV at its all-important status for heterosexual couples, and just not homosexual ones? What changes?
"First time" in our society at large still often refers to "first penetration". Instead of being about a shared activity, it's about whether or not the person in question penetrated their partner/was penetrated by their partner. This is hugely problematic when it comes to rape. Sex and rape are two entirely different things. They shouldn't fall under the same category in the "first time" arena.
"First time" would ideally become meaningless to us unless there was a qualifier after it, since there are so many possible ones. First time for what?
It's so interesting that you describe sexuality as a process - I did a big research project on virginity in contemporary American culture over the summer, and I read an article about the frames people use to discuss first sex; the people who saw "virginity loss" (hate the phrase, never use it) as a gift or a stigma were more likely to be dissatisfied with their experiences, but the people who saw it as one occurrence in a larger process or spectrum of experiences had more positive stories to tell.
I personally try to never talk about "losing my virginity" because I think the way the idea puts vaginal intercourse as the epitome of sexual experience is problematic. I talk about "the first time I [fill in the blank]" because, like you said, sex is made up of many experiences that are all different and all important or valuable.
26, male. College graduate. Job-free.
Still haven't had a first kiss.
/me shrugs
26, male. College graduate. Job-free.
Still haven't had a first kiss.
/me shrugs
I can relate. :/
Hey, I'm 18 and I've kissed a few people, but it was overrated. I think I'm actually a bit asexual, but I made out with 4 people (two guys, two girls) over the summer I turned 17 even though I wasn't wild about them because I was afraid of turning 18 and not having any experience. Some of the kisses were okay, some were pretty gross. Looking back I don't regret it, but I'm never going to do something along those lines (say, sex) just because I'm getting to the age where people think I ought to have done it again.
Point is, you might be 26 and unkissed, but the second person I made out with was a gross guy who choked me with his tongue and might have assaulted me if my friends hadn't been there to intervene. My guess is, you could go out to a bar and get tipsy and smooch someone if you really wanted to, it just not might be someone you really like all that much. I still haven't kissed anyone who gives me butterflies in my stomach and I suspect it's only worth doing if the person turns you on in some way (whether that's physicall, emotionally, intellectually, or all of the above).
I agree.
21, Big 10 College Student, Lesbian
Never even made out.
Kisses here and there, but that's it.
It's hard because of the environment surrounding you; especially in college, all anyone ever talks about is sex. You feel left out. When you date, you feel it's more of a significant factor than it should be, than it is when you have more experience. It feels as though it is limiting.
It took me some thinking about this to finally realize that because I know what I want, because my first time (for everything) will be on my terms and with me having a great understanding of sexuality and myself, this is a most empowering thing. Perhaps my first time won't be fireworks, but it will be MINE.
I'm 21, not religious, not waiting for marriage, not a hermit, not hideous...and have never had the sex-sex aka intercourse.
Why the fuck not? Good effin' question. I don't really know the answer, but I have some inclinations. I'm insecure. Unhealthy body image. Don't trust easily. Mom was a virgin until marriage. Mixed messages during adolescence. I don't want to wait till marriage, hell don't really want to get married, but I've wanted it to be with someone I trusted, cared about, bla bla, you know the story.
The longer I've waited, the more apprehensive I've gotten. My mindset: "Shit, I'm the only hot atheist, liberal college student who hasn't had THE SEX." This made me even more insecure. Thinking I'd have no clue how to handle it. Assuming I'd be hard-pressed to find a guy who would be willing to give me a bit of time to warm up to him.
Last year I was swooned by a guy in Venezuela. He whispered sweet Spanish nothings into my ear. I knew he was full of shit, but it was fun to have that cliche foreign romance. I kept my wall up, like I've been doing for 21 years, but I let some Latin lovin' slip through the cracks. We continued seeing each other for a few weeks and he grew increasingly impatient, because the fact that he'd been with me for this long meant he had a right to my vagina, apparently.
We were making out in his car, he felt compelled to attempt to take my pants off. I kindly declined. Then, "Que pasó mi amor!? No me quieres?" Not that I don't like you, just not going to have sex with you tonight. "Por qué?!" Because I don't want to. "Por qué?!" Because I do not want to. Sometimes women don't want to have sex, I tried to explain to him. "Pero es muy raro..." he replies, "But that's so rare, so strange. Why wouldn't a woman want to have sex?"
He was absolutely baffled. Then he gave me the silent treatment, got all pissy and I proceeded to be even less turned on, and he dropped me off at my casa with his wounded-puppy face.
I'm back in the U.S. -- still have my V-Card...but I am growing increasingly confused as to why I have maintained my membership. Why am I really not having sex? "Por qué?" No sé.
Like you, I waited until my early 20s for real sex and like you, I felt wretchedly conflicted about it.
From my perspective ten years and a few lovers down the road, I'd say you might want to really lean into that question of "why." It sounds like you're troubled by not knowing. If you find yourself with a lover you intuit that you can really trust, you might let him or her help you figure it out. I can imagine that allowing yourself just to say an honest "I don't know" in response to a "Por qué" would be a pretty powerful experience. Whatever emotions came after that would probably be worth listening to. If such a lover doesn't come along, or even if one does, I can attest that a loving therapeutic relationship can be a miraculous thing--I wish I'd started mine earlier.
In any case, bravo to you for being so self-aware and for taking such good care of yourself until now. We late bloomers don't give ourselves enough credit--becoming your own woman isn't easy!
thank you both for your candidness. I only feel like I should return the favor. I am 24 and a virgin. Like you I am very much looking for answers..but so often I feel like there should be no age limit on knowing you're ready or not. It's difficult to watch all my friends speed by me- always has been- but I've had my fair share of bad 'sexual' encounters where I wasn't exercising my full autonomy. Now I wait and slowly, painstakingly so, test the waters and always ultimately decide it's not the right guy. I haven't had a long term relationship, but I have been sexual and open with men I trusted and loved outside the confines of commitment. As I write this I think perhaps it is because my belief in monogamy is skewed and that I need to let intercourse into the grey areas outside of a relationship. The problem is: how do I let someone be my first without getting attached?
In answer to Vanessa's question: my "first time" did not involve penetration (so maybe it doesn't count?) but rather the full fledged knowledge and control over the situation. I called the shots, and was able to enjoy myself in a way that teenage boys did not permit me to. I was 18 and he was 26, and he took his time and was a generous respectful lover...but not a great person. Part of me is still resolving that I suppose. But my emotional virginity is his, because from what I hear, you grow quite attached to that first person and recall them in all sexual experiences henceforth. I guess, if nothing else, that's sign of your first 'real' time.
You know, I wouldn't worry about the whole attachment thing. If you've been sexual and open with men you trusted without needing to feel commitment between you, then I doubt that turning that up a notch to encompass intercourse is going to radically alter your emotional makeup.
I mean, I believe that sexual experiences of any kind can create a bond between partners. Certainly there's a mutual vulnerability in consensual PIV intercourse that can be deeply intimate--as can many other types of sexual practice. But this whole "magical bonding for life with whoever breaks your hymen" seems to me like a crock of lies. Having sex with someone is almost certain to complicate your relationship with them but it's not guaranteed to make you more attached than you consciously want to be. Falling in love, now that makes you more attached. As anyone who has experienced both can attest, for better or for worse, sex and love don't have a causal relationship!
Really appreciate your comment. Always comforting to hear from other late bloomers.
Another late bloomer, here: sex (first real and first PIV) for the first time on the night of my 28th birthday. I’d had orgasms with one other guy, but not for years. I was caught in a similar vicious circle that might be familiar to other late bloomers: I wanted to wait for someone I at least cared about if not loved, but the longer I waited the more special it seemed like it had to be, so I waited longer, and around and around.
Religion wasn’t a factor, and I didn’t feel particularly screwed up by my upbringing, but body image had a lot to do with it. I’m overweight and I always have been, and sex seemed like something reserved for other people. I believed someone would have to love my personality enough to “get over” my body to have sex with me.
An online dating stint got me a little involved with a guy (now affectionately referred to as The Republican Who Lived In His Parents’ Basement) that I seriously considered sleeping with, just to lose the virgin albatross around my neck. When I realized I found him sort of repulsive, I broke it off and a week later, I met my now-boyfriend of three-plus years.
I was terrified to tell him I was a virgin at nearly 30. At the time, he -- who has only had one partner besides me -- handled it exactly the way I needed him to, by seeming completely unphased. Now, he says only that he felt disappointed for me that I’d lived without sex for so long. We had sex for the first time in my own bed, when I’d been on birth control for a month, when I was more than ready. I can still remember how it felt to have him inside me for the first time -- nervous and keyed-up, but also more intimate and exciting and *right* than I could have imagined in a way I still can’t explain. Now, we have a sex life better than any I’d ever imagined for myself. He is attracted my body; he doesn’t view it as something he has to get past; he makes me feel sexy and horny and loved.
The advice I’d give to someone else: Don’t let an arbitrary age freak you out. I wasted so much time listening to the world’s rules and expectations, and I’m sad and a little angry about all the sexual experiences I probably missed out on as a younger woman. If I could go back, I’d change a lot about that -- but I wouldn’t change a thing about my first real time.
There is obviously no way for me to know whether your Venezuelan friend thought he was entitled to sex. But from your description his reaction could easily be one of simple expectation that intercourse is something adults who have spent time together, care for each other, do and it was at that time a natural progression of your relationship. And if there is no explanation for one person not wanting to it can be baffling. One explanation might be that you didn't like him much and that can be upsetting if he thought otherwise until that moment. It was a rejection and that can be bothersome without making the man a male chauvinist pig.
I didn't get the impression that she wanted us to think he was a male chauvinist pig. It seemed like an uncomfortable and confusing situation on both sides, to me.
I indeed didn't intend to imply that he was a chauvinist pig. I don't believe he was. Honestly, didn't know him well enough to make that judgment and the fact that he spoke no English and my Spanish wasn't superb only added to the mutual confusion.
I certainly didn't have the linguistic skills necessary to explain my emotional-sexual-awkward mindset to him. But the fact that he kept pushing me to have sex with him after my repeated refusals (no in Spanish is no in English) indeed made me feel uncomfortable and frustrated, even if sex was the "natural progression" or what was expected of me at the time. Again, not the most clear-cut situation -- it's hard enough communicating one's needs in their native tongue.
I love this question because I always struggle with the answer to the simpler version--without consciously recognizing it, I've always felt like there was something wrong with my experiences, not with the question itself.
But from this thread it sounds like so many women (most women, I wonder?) consider their "first" first time to have been a technicality or a trauma, a moment important for its social significance but not a true entry into adult sexuality, or not the one they would have chosen. I want to recognize the pain in so many of these stories and also celebrate our learning to ask better questions.
That said, my first first time was fully consensual but also painful, terrifying--a suburban backseat fantasy turned nightmarish by our mutual lack of clue about physiology, lubrication, communication. It didn't help that we were illegally parked and (I'm dead serious) the cops showed up about thirty seconds after penetration/ejaculation. I can still see the flashing lights in the raindrops on the windshield. It was like the patriarchy had arrived in person to investigate the transgression! It's strange to think of this now, but I felt so horribly guilty, so stricken by the whole experience; I didn't go near sex for the rest of high school or for the first half of college.
My real first time was four years later, in my tiny Parisian garret, with a much older man who wasn't ever a love interest but who was a marvellous, a truly gifted and generous lover. He'd bought a rose from an Ecuadorian street vendor--I have the picture I took of it the next morning on the postage-stamp balcony. It was a feast and a revelation.
"But from this thread it sounds like so many women (most women, I wonder?) consider their 'first' first time to have been a technicality or a trauma, a moment important for its social significance"
Which is really sad.
"but not a true entry into adult sexuality"
Um, my first time won't be a true entry into adult sexuality either, no matter how great it is, because I already entered my adult sexuality years ago (hey, I'm 30, whoever I have sex with definitely won't be doing it with a child! :) ).
It was almost two years ago, and I'm still with the same man. We'd been having problems with successful intercourse, due to my not being accustomed to ever having anything wider than a tampon in me, but were finally successful about a month after we started dating. Neither of us reached orgasm, but it was intimate, sensual, and just about as good as a first time can be. And most importanly, consensual.
I'm pretty lucky to have had a good first time, by anybody's standards.
I have had sex with 35 men. The first time wasn't by choice and he didn't orgasm so for years I had myself thinking I was not attractive enough. I have had "the sex" with at least 34 men after that and "the other sex" with at least fifteen more. I am fairly sure I am a recovering sex addict and I still have yet to experience my first time.
I have had sex with 35 men. The first time wasn't by choice and he didn't orgasm so for years I had myself thinking I was not attractive enough. I have had "the sex" with at least 34 men after that and "the other sex" with at least fifteen more. I am fairly sure I am a recovering sex addict and I still have yet to experience my first time.
I have had sex with 35 men. The first time wasn't by choice and he didn't orgasm so for years I had myself thinking I was not attractive enough. I have had "the sex" with at least 34 men after that and "the other sex" with at least fifteen more. I am fairly sure I am a recovering sex addict and I still have yet to experience my first time.
I've never had a first time. Never even held hands. Thanks for reminding me.
I'm sorry to hear that, but... if it bothers you so, wouldn't it be better to skip past topics like this one?
Does it bother you? We all grow at our own pace. Just because other people have already had fabulous sex with fabulous partners, that says nothing about you. I'm almost 40 and still discovering myself and what I want. I can't see a day when I stop discovering myself.
My first was my first PIV. This was with my second and current boyfriend who came to visit me when I was on exchange in Sweden. Third time was in Poland. :) I was glad I waited till 21.
First kiss was pretty sweet too.
It was this year. I'm 21. Not religious,just wanted it to be with someone I actually care about. Btw, I hate that I always hafta tell people i'm not religious when I talk about losing it and when I tell them i'm actually an atheist they're shocked, bleh.
anywho
I met him in October of 07 the first 2 months were just phone calls and emails (jan-oct he's in california,the rest of the time in florida) When he got back to california we started having breakfast together every morning before I had class. 2 months later we started really dating and about 4 1/2 months later I had sex with him. He knew it was my first time and asked a million times before we did it if I was sure I was ready. He was great about the entire experience. We're off and on now because I'm kind of obsessive about school and getting ready for grad school. so I decided i'd be too distracted if we continued something serious. He's coming to visit me for a week this sunday so hehe we'll see what happens :)
like way too many women, the first time i had sex was rape. i was five. so i really don't even know what virginity is... but i think its not really a good thing. but i was raised on a steady diet of Robert Heinlein, so i have odd view on almost everything.
i am also conflicted on the first time i consented to sex (which i used to consider my first time). it was on my 15th birthday, and i had had it all planned. turned out he did too - he had had this elaborate plan of getting me lost in the woods (northern california), sneaking up on me in a mask and raping me, then coming back later to "rescue me" and get sex as a reward for rescuing me.
which is one of the most fucked up things i ever heard.
i broke up with him, he stalked me etc., we all know this story. its all too common.
so NOW i consider my first time to have taken place a year and a half later, with this guy who was just a guy. we didn't date, we just had sex sometimes. it was fun sex, he never pressured me or tried to control me or hurt me.
I was 17. There were a lot of boys before him, but he was the first one who actually seemed to care about how I felt.
Front seat of a Dodge Omni. And he was six and a half feet tall, too.
But it was REAL. And really mine. Really ours, together.
I still remember the date: October 8th, 1994. He was a high school boyfriend, I wasn't ready for how serious we got, and I didn't know I wasn't ready until I broke his heart 2 years later. But I learned so much with him.
Insane.
The first time I had a sexual experience was a sexual assault at age 15 by an older man. The first time I had sex (PIV) was with my first boyfriend at age 16. He was a nice, non-abusive partner who I loved at the time, and the sex was okay, but I hadn't gotten over the assault and found it hard to 'let go'.
After we split up (amicably) I started on a destructive pattern of sleeping with people to get affection/approval, and I ended up in an emotionally abusive relationship a few years later. This man was a closet misogynist who had consumed a LOT of porn and had some pretty messed up ideas about how sex was supposed to be. Because I didn't get turned on by him and his ideas I assumed I had a low sex drive and just wasn't a sexual person. After finally extricating myself from that relationship, I went on another downward spiral, getting hurt by many people and clocking up quite a few one night stands/flings. I ended up viewing sex as a performance given to elicit approval from a man... unsurprisingly it didn't work and I was unhappy.
But it all changed when I met my current partner. I'd been celibate for over a year and hadn't even gone on a date, and I think that made me more clear headed and gave me time to heal. I can't express how much being treated like an equal (he is a feminist too) and given real love has unlocked my sexuality like never before. I have told my partner everything about my sexual history and he has never judged me. I was convinced I could never orgasm from PIV but I was wrong... these days I am hornier than ever and love my sex life, and fancy my partner like mad. And in answer to the question I consider my 'first time' to be the first time that I orgasmed during intercourse with him. I finally realised what the fuss was all about!
Technical first time, I was 19. Didn't wanted to, wasn't attracted to the guy, but was sick and tired of being a virgin, and we were "together", so it happened. Waste of time, made me disgusted in myself, and disgusted of sex, too.
What I consider my real first time? About six months later, something slow and nice with one of my friends. In fact, it seems that casual sex with a friend is always more satisfying to me than with the boyfriends I had... I just don't get why.
My first orgasm from hand: Bottom bunk of my room shared with my sister. 12ish?
First French kiss: Before school when I was 14 and it was lovely.
First orgasm with a boy: Dry humping when I was also 14. Guy was a tool, but you know I still like dry humping and I'm 32.
First Oral: 16 with first serious boyfriend and it was nice but I always felt bad for him and the force it took to get me there. Felt like I was going to injur his neck.
First PIV: 16 with same boyfriend. We rushed it and it hurt, but we got the hang of it eventually.
First orgasm from PIV: Same boyfriend I was 19.
First vibrator: I was 22 and boy I wish I had gotten my vibrator WAY earlier. I thought people would think I was a sex fiend when in reality it's just a time saver.
First time for what? First time a dude stuck his dick in my vagina? First time I gave a blow job? First time I kissed a guy? First time I enjoyed any of the above? First time I asked to do any of the above? (sorry, all my sexual experience is with guys. don't mean to exclude gays, but it's not part of my experience). There have been a lot of firsts in my experience, and there are probably a lot of firsts left. Part of defining it for myself is acknowledging that yes, an act took place, whether I understood enough about it to consent enthusiastically and wholeheartedly or not, and whether I enjoyed it or not.
"First orgasm with a boy: Dry humping when I was also 14. Guy was a tool, but you know I still like dry humping and I'm 32."
Wait, you can orgasm from dry humping?
Definitively yes. XD That is the only way I orgasm(so far-- I'm a virgin.)
"Definitively yes. XD That is the only way I orgasm(so far-- I'm a virgin.)"
I'm a virgin who doesn't only orgasm that way, but I think it was the first way I did. When I was 4 I'd sometimes touch myself in bed with my panties between my hand and vulva - that's a kind of dry humping, right? Maybe my first orgasm was some other kind of masturbation, but my memory doesn't go far back enough for me to be sure. So I'm kinda near both extremes at the same time (haven't had my first kiss yet at 30, probably had my first orgasm at 3).
I'm 16 now and have been doing it for as long as I can remember. Awkwardly, there are pictures in my house of me doing it. Since it isn't clear what I'm doing, my parents haven't figured it out yet. Well, I don't really want to have that conversation. XD
at the risk of sounding a bit self-involved and like I'm trying to be the most liberated person ever, I'd have to say my best first time was the first time I masturbated. I was 15 or so and the boy i was apeshit for told me he did, so I gave it a shot. It was scary and thrilling and i didn't get any earth-shattering enjoyment from it, but i learned that it was ok to be sexual. I didn't get in trouble from God (i was raised religiously) , and i felt pretty cool afterwards. a few years later i "fooled around" a lot and always enjoyed that,but nothing effected me as much as that until i said "no" to the first piv when i was 18.
my first time with a vibrator in college was quite impressive, too!
I don't think you sound self-involved in a negative way trex. As someone who was (and continues to be) a really slow mover when it comes to relational sexuality, a big part of learning how to enjoy my body and know what I like sexually has been through exploring those sensations on my own. And since "virgin," in the colloquial sense, has overtones of sexual "innocence," or inexperience, I have a really hard time identifying with the label. I know a whole lot about my sexuality, but that's come largely independent of relationships. Relationships bring a whole new aspect to the experience of my physical self, but I resist the before/after dichotomy our culture sets up, particularly for women.
Yep. This is a perspective I identify with. My first sexual partner was when I was 18. We didn't do PIV, though we got close. It was not so good. He was kind of an interesting guy but I just wasn't physically attracted to him. I was enjoying the sensations of making out, frottage, etc. and I wanted someone to experiment with. My parents had always tried to scare me away from sex and given me the impression that sex in general wasn't that great for women and from the media and my peers I'd gotten this idea that first-sex was supposed to be painful and you had to stretch out the vagina.
So anyway, so the pleasure I was experiencing from the other things we were doing was so much more than I had expected, that I was caught a little off guard. When he stuck his fingers in me it hurt a lot though -I said "ow" and he kept going, and I just laid there because I thought that's what it had to feel like to "stretch out" a vagina, but I eventually said no to the PIV.
After leaving him though I decided I wanted to figure my body out better on my own, so I got one of those vibrating jackrabbit thingy's. Oh. My. GOD. *two thumbs up* Considering I still suck at finding people to date, most of my experience is still with the toy.
I went to the gyno recently and she asked me if I'd had PIV and I said no and she was like "well then, this may be a bit uncomfortable." And I was like "oh no, I think it will be fine." And she was like "no, really. we'll take it slow." And then I laid down on the table and she was like "oh, feels like this is gonna go in fine."
I feel like if I was another girl I might have been terribly embarassed. But as it was, I just laid on the table musing over the assumption that if I hadn't had PIV I wouldn't have had other sorts of penetration or know what size objects my vagina could comfortably accomodate or something... hehe
Playing on my own has certainly improved my experiences with other partners, even though none of them have stuck around long enough for me to get all the experience I wanted *sigh*
As it is, because of the stigma attached to "technical virginity" once you're into your 20s I'm not sure if I want to tell partners I'm a virgin. Physically, I know I won't react to PIV the way a lot of virgins would. I think I may just explain that I haven't had a lot of sexual experience, and I've had some uncomfortable experience, and so I want to take things slow and learn, and I'll leave it at that...
My first time was a complete fluke, but it was a really good one. However, I do not condone anyone following my footsteps... just in case!
So I met this guy and we hung out for four hours, literally doing nothing but walking around a park, then eating hotdogs. Oh and we went to the beach and I had my first kiss. I'm not shitting you -- my first kiss. Afterwards, I had to go home because I had a curfew (even though I was already 18 -- i have an uber overprotective mother who says: 'her roof, her rules'). Later that night I snuck out and we went to his apartment and were watching TV and cuddling, then he kissed me and we made out. I decided to go down on him (something I had always wanted to try) and then I decided I wanted to go all the way, to hell with everyone. Anyway, I was kind of on my period so I had to take my tampon out (lmao!) and he got a condom and was gentle. Actually, I didn't feel any pain. We went for the longest time, but I never came. Finally I was like, 'just come' and he did.
Interestingly enough, that wasn't when he popped my cherry. Six months later, (now dating, even saying "I love you") we had just finished and were cleaning up when I noticed blood, like not menstrual blood, but blood down there. And it had hurt a little when he was entering me but I hadn't paid any attention to it, thinking I just wasn't wet enough or something. Kinda crazy, eh? But I'm one of the few girls I know that like the way their first time went down.
Actually, there is no "cherry" in the vagina, and not everyone bleeds.
What people sometimes refer to as "popping the cherry" is tearing the hymen. But usually, the hymen doesn't tear it just stretches out and wears away, and by the time we are 18 most women have lost most of their hymen just due to physical activity, etc.
So if there was blood, that more than likely means the sex was a little rough and there was a little abrasian against your vaginal walls. So just like a typical skin injury or something.
Just good to know. I'm amazed at how many smart women dont' know their own physiology very well. (And I don't mean that as a judgment, because until I was 19 I was one of them...)
reading the description of this article, it's really insulting that people are legitimizing their first time as their first orgasm. Some women can't due to previous sexual trauma or other reasons. To me, saying it's not sex w/o orgasm is like saying it's not sex w/o penile penetration. I know most of you all don't have this problem probably, but it's a really painful subject and for those of us who are preorgasmic, it really affects our perception of our legitimacy as women and sexual/attractive beings.
My "first time" (whatever that means) was really uneventful. We were both virgins though, so what do you expect. It didn't hurt at all. I was really expecting it to!
reading the description of this article, it's really insulting that people are legitimizing their first time as their first orgasm
The point of the article (which I just finished reading in its entirety) is actually about women defining their own experience. The decision to name first orgasm as "the first time" is a personal experience, not some new definition that then everyone is supposed to measure their own experience by. A first time might be the first time you engaged in sexual activities you desired and were active in initiating. There may be multiple "firsts" . . . orgasm is only one of a myriad options!
"To me, saying it's not sex w/o orgasm is like saying it's not sex w/o penile penetration."
Great point - and it reminds me of how saying it must be sex if it's w/ orgasm is like saying I was having sex before elementary school (no way!).
So I'm totally cool with us not defining our first times having sex as our first orgasms since that would be painful for you, ridiculous for me, etc.
"My 'first time' (whatever that means) was really uneventful. We were both virgins though, so what do you expect. It didn't hurt at all. I was really expecting it to!"
I'm very happy that it didn't hurt at all!
Not yet. :(
I love that this question is being asked, because the concept of virginity is so fluid.
Strangely enough, I consider "losing your virginity" as a negative experience. A loss of innocence, I suppose (is that too cliche?). Thus, I consider my first time the first time I had oral sex.
My partner (boyfriend, at the time) had been talking about having oral sex for weeks. We were both inexperienced, but I really wasn't at a point where I was ready for it, although he made it very clear that he was. He continually pressured me about it, but I held my ground...until finally he just went down on me one day. I felt uncomfortable, but liked it at the same time--needless to say, I was rather confused. He did stop after a minute and ask if it was okay, to which I said yes, although I wasn't too sure whether I meant it. Regardless, at least he did ask my consent. I didn't have an orgasm (I never had, even before that point. It wasn't until later, after we broke up, that I decided I was going to try masturbation and had my first orgasm). Afterwards, I felt like I had to reciprocate, so I did. He, of course, did have an orgasm. I was a little freaked out after everything and asked him to stay the night with me...which he declined. I ended up crying myself to sleep, which I'm pretty sure he never knew.
I consider that my first time, because it was the first time I felt like I had really crossed the line of sexual innocence. I was definitely a changed woman after that. It really caused me to reflect on my sexuality (not in the sense of who I was attracted to, but what turned me on, what I was comfortable with, etc.). It was also that relationship that ultimately lead me to explore sexual health, teach myself about birth control (I had virtually no knowledge at the time), and to discover that I was pro-choice. I was amazed at how little I knew about my own body and how to protect myself (the same person also told me after the fact that he had severe oral herpes, although to this day he did not appear to transmit it to me...phew).
While it was a negative experience, I turned it into something positive. If it weren't for that experience, I might not have ever found feminism or my life's calling in working in the sexual health field. I do wish on some level that my first sexual experiences could have been positive, empowering, and pleasurable. But, looking at my life today, I'm happy with where it all lead me. I now enjoy very healthy and happy sexual relationships. Thank you, feminism!
I'm one of the lucky ones. My firsts were very good, with a partner who is everything that I'd wanted for the experience.
I was 19. And I was very ready for the experience.
I've always considered "virginity" something that I got rid of rather than "losing." I think that's largely a reaction to this purity myth we're spoon fed from infancy.
It's also a reaction to the idea that virginity is something that has to be (or can be) taken from you rather than something you have control over.
I digress. I met a guy over the Internet just before moving to TN. We talked, met up when I got through my move, and eventually decided to date.
He was my first partner experience in everything beyond kissing.
I didn't have an orgasm during our first PIV experience, but I'd had plenty before hand through other means. And after we really got to know each others bodies (and I got over some of my innate shyness about masturbating during intercourse--goodbye societal hangups) orgasms during and from PIV became more plentiful.
Almost 6 years later and we've become even more skilled with one another. :)
My first time was with a wonderful girl I used to date. I'd had a long-term girlfriend before, and there'd always been this pressure to perform, which needless to say did not help and I still suffer from occasionally despite being in a very loving marriage.
We were facing the wrong end of the bed, and the great thing was that we'd both said we weren't going to rush into things (we'd been seeing each other for 4 months online and 3 days in real life) but we just wanted each other, so much, that we let ourselves express that in the obvious way, with touching and holding and it just built up until we were having sex. And yeah, it wasn't great, but we got better and better as time went on.
I'm 18, and had my very first experience with PIV sex two days ago. It was with my very loving boyfriend who I have been with for nearly two years.
Each of us has only ever had any sexual experiences with each other - we were virgins in pretty much every sense of the word until we met.
Personally, I consider sex to be any kind of sexual activity that is done for pleasure. This includes masturbation, oral sex, all that jazz.
According to my personal definition, this means I had my first experience of 'sex' at 17, on the receiving end of oral sex (I never masturbated until several months after this).
However, even with all this under my belt, I still feel like a virgin. I'm a bit conflicted about calling myself one though, as common definitions of the phrase say I am most definately not one. I've orgasmed, I've had consensual PIV sex, and I've participated in other kinds of sexual activity.
I still feel like a virgin. Does anyone else understand why/feel the same way?
i know a good friend like this, she waited until she was 29 i think, met the right person, and well they had sex and babies, so ya, i wonder if their sexual life is over now that they have kids hehe hmm
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