I agree, unless she considers wedding and baby registries also greedy and tacky, I think having a housewarming registry is totally acceptable. We need to develop new traditions for a community to support people who don't marry or don't do it right away.

Marriage and babymaking mean that you've been following The Plan. And society wants to make sure that people who follow The Plan are rewarded, lest they get second thoughts and realize there are other ways to live life.

I like the idea of housewarming gifts in general. It shouldn't matter whether the person recieving them is single or partnered, with kids or without them, etc. I agree this lady shouldn't be shamed for wanting to involve her friends in her new big life change.

What's weird is that I see this argument as kind of backwards. Shouldn't we be questioning the reason we give gifts at all, instead of seeking to increase our financial burden? Furthermore, couldn't this be added to the list of status quo things that should be disrupted? Afterall, the only reason things like these exist are that they emphasize the value of the "standard family unit".

From a point of view outside of financial and social reasons, you'd think that she should be treated the same because the logical reasons for her to get housewarming gifts are the same. She still has a house that has the same needs as anyone else's (albeit at a smaller quantity). I hope that she just goes ahead anyways, because I'm sure her friends wouldn't mind doing it.

Going outside of the realm of friends and family would probably not fly (namely just because coworkers and such probably wouldn't give to newlywed's/just-expecting's if it weren't for tradition). As long as she doesn't demand it, and just asks politely (and doesn't put people on the spot) it should be cool, right?

On a side-note, she should have asked the wonderful Randy Cohen this instead. Ethics should be the new etiquette.

Since when are house warming gifts out of the norm? While I'm too young for my friends to have made the Great Marriage/House/Baby move, I'm under the impression that is rather common. I have not heard of registries but it does not seem out of place if wedding/baby/etc registries are okay. You know, assuming its done tactfully.

Speaking of tact, my boyfriends best friend from college is getting married soon. They put where they're registered right on the invite. I was appalled.

It's definitely interesting to think about...I mean, the thing is, I think that as a society we're becoming too expectant on people to give us presents for certain occasions (ie baby, weddings), and so therefore those who do not experience those occasions form a grudge over that. I totally sympathize with that.

The thing is, I think that the whole problem stems from the fact that we are EXPECTED to give gifts at these times. I would appreciate anything for my baby or wedding, but I won't be looking at lists to see who didn't give a gift, and compare expenses. I wouldn't even care if the majority of people brought nothing. In that mindset, I would also hope that others don't feel that they DESERVE a gift for tying the knot or having a child. Bluntly, regardless of situation, gifts are supposed to be given voluntarily. I don't want to feel that I NEED to award a woman or man for anything; I will do that on my own time. So Carrie is crazy, the woman wanting a register for housewarming is crazy, and people having intense lists and expectations for baby and wedding presents is crazy.

In other words, you're all crazy.

i'd throw a house warming party. I usually do that when i change apartments.. although I don't ask for gifts.

but just for arguments sake... I always thought that wedding gifts were a tradition because people assume married people are going to have children and that they want to help them do so by giving them appliances and money.... or maybe thats the backwoods hick tradition from where I'm from.....

so looking at it like that, then it does seem really tacky of her to say "hey give me presents for just me". But she just seems cheesed that she's had to buy so many wedding gifts.. key word is HAD TO.

I went to a wedding once that I didn't bring a gift. I couldn't afford it at the time. No one got mad at me. I was broke... shoot me.

Great post - i think a housewarming party is completely acceptable! And could be very fun and not at all tacky. I think her friends and family, who she's supported through milestones in their lives will support her as well. Hey friends and family should be proud of her living on her own and i am sure would shower her with gifts in this situation.

As a religious reader of Miss Manners and a feminist etiquette aficionado, I have pretty strong feelings about this one. Registries of any kind are tacky and greedy. I agree that it's bogus to celebrate marriage and babies over the accomplishment of managing to live on your own your whole life, but the answer is not to adopt the obnoxious attitude of entitlement that makes many brides and moms-to-be believe that it's other people's job to set them up in housekeeping. I wish the NY Times advice columnist had mentioned that gift registries were invented by stores, and it is NOT good etiquette to ask for gifts or advertise where you're registered. In fact, etiquette in no way requires gifts for weddings, babies, or any occasions. If you want to give gifts, that's great, but all that is required is well wishes, and that's often all I give. Yes, there's a lot of gift-giving pressure, but that's all the more reason to resist, as far as I'm concerned. Feeling pressure to give is in no way an excuse to then exert that pressure on others on behalf of yourself. Two wrongs don't make a right.

I think what particularly comes across as tacky and greedy is the way the author feels "it's time for (her) family and friends set (her) up." It's the entitlement of that statement that's pretty gross. If someone got a me an expensive gift so I will owe them one down the line, I really wish they'd just skip the gift entirely.

To be fair, I also think wedding presents have gone to a tacky place. I'm happy to get someone a gift they need, and I will spend much more money in the tradition of setting up a new household then i would otherwise. However marriages often now take place between two independent adults who ask for luxury items. I'm rather opposed to people asking for $300 mixers or game systems. I just can't see expecting people to spend a lot of money to give you things you don't actually need. I feel like I frequently get invitations to weddings all across the country even when the participants know I can't attend, second and third weddings, or long-time married couples registering gifts for re-commitment ceremonies. I wish everyone well, but I don't support soliciting gifts like that. This includes my own wedding where I had to be convinced to register for anything and even then it was mostly functional/necessary items averaging $20.

I enjoy giving and receiving gifts, but not encouraging people to support a lifestyle beyond your, and their means.

I don't think a housewarming party is tacky or greedy. I DO think it's tacky and greedy to believe that your friends OWE you since you've done kind things for them in the past. A gift at a wedding isn't a requirement, and a gift for a housewarming shouldn't be either. If you invite people to celebrate ANY change in your life simply to receive gifts, you are, in my book, tacky and greedy.

I think everyone has hit the nail on the head, regardless of opinion about registries. It's about reciprocation. Either registries are tacky in general or they aren't. I think that any EVENT (marriage, moving to a new house) can be celebrated with or without a registry as long as it is applied equally to all events.

The difference in my mind between this situation and the Sex and City episode referenced is that Carrie made up a wedding to herself and registered just for one pair of shoes to get what she thought she deserved from one particular friend.

In my opinion, that made a mockery of the idea that you can celebrate single women's choices the same way you celebrate married people's because it was so petty. If Carrie had moved to a new place or actually had some sort of celebration to mark her choice not to be married, as the person writing into this column had, I would have been all for her to have a registry.

I think everyone has hit the nail on the head, regardless of opinion about registries. It's about reciprocation. Either registries are tacky in general or they aren't. I think that any EVENT (marriage, moving to a new house) can be celebrated with or without a registry as long as it is applied equally to all events.

The difference in my mind between this situation and the Sex and City episode referenced is that Carrie made up a wedding to herself and registered just for one pair of shoes to get what she thought she deserved from one particular friend.

In my opinion, that made a mockery of the idea that you can celebrate single women's choices the same way you celebrate married people's because it was so petty. If Carrie had moved to a new place or actually had some sort of celebration to mark her choice not to be married, as the person writing into this column had, I would have been all for her to have a registry.

I have joked about doing this, myself. Why should so-and-so get an awesome new Kitchenaid mixer just because she's getting married?

I disagree with the questioner's entitled attitude, but I think expecting presents for any occassion or non-occassion is tacky.

I want to buy Sarah in Cleveland a teapot or toaster or something.

1st-- how many friends do you have? I can't imagine spending 10K on all those gifts, but maybe I just haven't done the math. Still, the last two weddings I went to were friends of mine who were around my age and had just graduated college. They put a whole range of things on their registries from $5 up to furniture, so that everyone could pick something out. I bought $20 gifts and their grandparents and older family friends who could easily afford it spent more. If someone were to have a registry with only things out of my budget, I would probably just get them a small token gift at a price I could afford. I don't think you should feel obligated to break the bank to buy a wedding gift. (Although I guess if you DO have lots of money and only get a card, people might consider that tacky. But no one can get upset at not getting expensive gifts from college students.)

This is different than that sex and the city episode though. That was where her friend made her take off her (ridiculously expensive) shoes at a party and they got stolen, and she wanted her friend to buy them for her and then they got in a fight about wedding gifts. It was a weird situation-- I can see both sides of it actually, as far as the losing the shoes thing goes.

count me among the people who bring gifts to housewarming parties even if they didn't register and have attended weddings in the past without gifts even if they did. It's about being generous if you are in a position to, not a requirement. so it IS greedy and tacky to say "you are required to buy me a gift because I was required to buy you one" no. Now, having said that, figuring out how to get more societal value on choices that don't involve getting married or having babies is an important issue that I don't have a good theory for. the solution is not not not more registries, and more entitlement. but something needs to change.

oh man i've been moaning for years about how there is no "single person going out into the world" gifting! i agree that it's a bit weird of sarah in cleveland to think that her friends OWE her, but i don't think she's wrong to be sad that no one feels like they should give her some sconces or a blender.

seriously, i like buying my friends wedding gifts and registries really are the most practical thing (if some couples clearly get a bit out of hand with what they ask for), but it DOES add up over time and there is still a feeling that such a gift is well, expected and that it's a bit tacky to go to someone's wedding, eat the food and drink the booze and enjoy the party and not get the couple anything, at least if you really know them at all.

now that couples on average are getting married later in life, it seems particularly silly to "set up" newlyweds--there are two of them, they probably have TWO TOASTERS for chrissake, not to mention if they're actually asking for an xbox and fine china they'll never use while i left home for my first apartment with a shoebox full of my grandma's mismatched flatware and some t-fal cookware straight out of the 80s. it would be nice if we had a real, pervasive, meaningful housewarming party tradition for single people.

In dealing with this question, I think it's appropriate to ask: why have registries in the first place?

Wedding registries were justified by the idea that a bride was leaving her home to set up a new household with her husband. This meant a lack of basic household items, particularly if a woman was living with her parents and had never held a job (very pre-1970s, but there you are). Registries allowed couples to target holes in their households so people could give practical gifts, or gifts to allow entertaining (silver patterns, plates, etc.) Of course, this helped expand sales of these items.

Baby registries were justified by the idea that a first pregnancy would leave a growing family with a lack of basic items they never needed before. The registry/shower then made up for this lack.

Today, registries as a concept have gone way overboard -- most couples are made up of two, independent people who have lived separately for some time, and who now have to _combine_ their households. A wedding registry under these conditions seems superfluous, and this is one of the reasons that newlyweds often ask for cash as a gift instead. But considering the fact that the registry in the first place was meant to "help" the couple, and that gifts are _not_ a requirement for attending a wedding, I find this really tacky. A registry should be a guide to giving gifts at best -- and any gift given by a wedding invitee should be at his/her own discretion. Sometimes the price of attending a wedding may be plenty for someone's budget.

I do think baby registries make sense, but not for repeat pregnancies, per my logic above.

As to a housewarming registry -- if the person in question is registering out of a sense of entitlement because she does not want to marry but wants the benefits, she should consider why the registry concept was set up in the first place. If this is the first time she has set up a household, I think it might be justified, but if this is just because she feels she should get the "goodies" that a bride would traditionally (and I say that loosely) expect, then this is wrong.

There are far too many weddings out there that are gift grab free-for-alls. Do we need to encourage this behavior for other reasons?

The column nowhere said that registries for weddings aren't tacky and greedy. In my opinion, all registries are tacky and greedy -- not to mention buying into a total advertising trap created by big-box retailers.

(My solution, for others who want gifts? A wiki Web page of gift suggestions. And for myself, should I ever marry? A phone number printed on the invitation. They can call me if they want to give us something and need an idea.)

These occasions are largely celebrated because they're seen as "big moves" in one's life. Well, buying a house is a huge commitment; shouldn't she be celebrated and supported in her "big move"? She certainly shouldn't be shamed as "greedy" for wanting that.

Celebrating somebody else's "big move" is a far cry from "supporting" -- e.g., throwing money at -- her for it. I certainly would consider somebody who expects a present, just because she got a new job or house or husband or whatever, totally fucking greedy.

I'm a naturally pretty generous person -- some friends say too generous -- and never show up to a party without a bottle of wine. I just think it's bad form, and I like to be a good guest (bringing wine, doing dishes) as well as a good host. But I would hate to show up with one only because I was shamed into it. That sense of entitlement, of getting a $100 gift just for throwing a party or making some stride in life, is absurd and grossly materialistic.

I cannot understand all of the hatred toward registries. I love them – it allows me to get the person a gift that they want/need without fearing that I am giving them a fourth toaster or a 15th diaper bag. Also, when my friends around here get married or have babies, most of the need the things they ask for on those registries.

I just can’t see what is so “tacky” about buying someone a gift that they want or need and you are under no obligation to purchase anything on the registry. Don’t you ask people what they want as gifts for their birthday or Christmas (everyone I know does)? Why is it so bad, then, to do the same for weddings, housewarmings, or baby showers? Again, you are under no obligation to get a gift from the registry, but I am hard pressed to figure out what is so much more “tacky” and “greedy” about letting people know what you need or would enjoy then just expecting random gifts. Either the whole concept (as some of you have said) of having a party where societal expectation (this is not an individual thing) are that the guest brings gifts is tacky or it’s not. Registries are no more tacky or greedy than the party itself.

Setting aside whether registries are tacky or not, I'd like to address celebrating people's life choices.

We are very specific, as a society, about which life choices we celebrate, and as an extension of that, which we value.

I think what Sarah in Cleveland is getting at is that she wants her life choices to be as celebrated as her friends. But since her friends followed "The Plan" and she didn't, she's getting the feeling that her choices are less valued. Not only attitudinally, but monetarily.

I've been feeling this too, lately. As a queer person who is single by choice, I spend a lot of time supporting and celebrating my straight and coupled-up friends. Anniversaries, engagements, bridal showers, bachelor parties, weddings, baby showers, children's birthdays, baptisms, bat mitzvahs, and etc.

Let's face it: no one is going to celebrate my choices like that. At the bottom of it, it isn't about money or gifts. It's about feeling equal and valued.

I've written about this lately.

She is being greedy and tacky. She says she wants a housewarming. OK, there's nothing wrong with that, she can throw herself a housewarming, which is a party where people bring presents. The tacky and greedy part is that she wants to dictate the amount of money her guests will spend on her housewarming. She seems to think that because she's decided that she's never going to get married--which, BTW, never say never, I didn't think I would either and I found myself in a white dress at age 40--that she "deserves" the same amount of money spent on her as she has spent on those who got married. Will she get a dog next year and throw herself a puppy shower because she doesn't plan on having kids but wants the money back that she's spent on baby showers?

The point is that gifts should be gifts. They shouldn't be given in the expectation of getting a similar gift in return. If you expect a return on the wedding gifts you've given, that's more of a loan than a gift.

Flame me if you want, but I don't see this as a feminist issue, but as one of etiquette. Gifts should not be given in the expectation of anything other than thanks.

I also am a devotee of Miss Manners. I think a gift registry can be a handy thing to have but that information about the registry should only be given out if someone asks what the couple wants/needs.

Gifts are just that--gifts. You shouldn't feel obligated to give a gift to someone, a gift is not your "ticket" to a wedding or baby shower, and you shouldn't make a mental note of the cost of a gift so that you can decide if you're "even" when the recipient later gives you a gift. You should give a gift because you want to and for no other reason. If a person expects that you will give them a gift because you are attending their wedding (I thought the point of having your friends and family at your wedding was so you could be surrounded by the people you love as you make a major life move--apparently, it's so you can get a nice toaster), perhaps their friendship should be reconsidered.

It does suck that weddings and baby showers have become free-for-all greed-fests, but it doesn't mean the rest of us should start demanding gifts as well. Adding to the problem doesn't make it go away.

In the part of Europe where I'm from, it's normal to bring gifts to housewarming parties. Not to set anyone up, just... because. At my housewarming party, I got almost a lifetime supply of booze, a huge pack of some weird but good coffee and a book on Lapland - don't ask me what was the point of that one. Plus some things that were eaten on the spot. I was happy because I had a party and people came, not because I got useful saucepans and bed linen.

I was caught off guard by this whole debate simply because with the way I was raised and any of the social circles I have been exposed to house-warming presents are just as common as wedding or baby shower presents. Moving out on your own or buying your first place are a big deal and everyone I know has celebrated them as such. I even know people who have had house-warming registries. That this would be debated as being tacky or greedy seems strange to me. Isn't it more tacky and greedy to show up to a house-warming with no gift?

Just for another perspective on people who register for seemingly frivolous luxury items, some stores give registrants a discount on the items they registered for but did not receive. A friend who recently got married registered for a Wii, not because she seriously expected anyone to buy it for them, but because of the discount they would receive. We have baby registries where I work, and we actually encourage our registrants to register for big ticket items like cribs and strollers, even if they don't think anyone will buy them, because they'll get the discount on it.

Whether or not registries are tacky is one thing, but everyday where I work people come in to return gifts that were either doubles or just not needed. So to me, it just makes sense to purchase gifts from a registry. At least then you know your gift will be used, and you won't ever have an awkward moment when you discover that the gorgeous painting/vase/trinket you picked out for a friend has been gathering dust in a closet because the friend hated it or had no use for it. But I do agree that gifts should be given voluntarily, not out of obligation.

Being able to buy a house on one's own in this economy isn't just a major event. It's a freakin' miracle. And since I'm not friends with the woman who wrote in, I can only give her major props for being an independent woman who knows she deserves just as much cool stuff as her married friends.

The writer's attitude that her friends *owe* her for all of the wedding gifts she bought them is what's really tacky. Nobody forced her to buy a gravy boat.

Buying a house is absolutely something to celebrate, and if she wants a housewarming, go for it! Have a big party, invite all your friends to help you celebrate, but when you start expecting, or god-forbid-- demanding presents, that's just rude.

People will probably bring her stuff anyway, but it sounds like she wants stuff more than a party, in which case she should just get to the mall instead.

I think she's probably in the situation where she is required to buy a gift, and likely an expensive one, so it's unfair to tell her she's being greedy by wanting the same consideration. I wish we lived in a world where gifts were voluntary, or at least accepted without consideration towards how much is spent on them, but we don't, and I don't think it's fair either to pass judgment on people who grew up in a culture where a gift, and the amount spent on it, was not only obligatory but a sign of love. There are exceptions, of course, but showing up to a wedding without a nice gift is going to lead the married couple to wonder why--and to doubt your affection.

That in mind, it's not at all greedy to want the same consideration, even if you aren't getting married. Gift giving is mutualistic, but we're in a culture where alternative options (IE never intending to get married) have eliminated the opportunity for certain people. Her friends should be only so happy to repay the favor for her choice to not be married as she was to support their choice to get married, and do some monetarily. She certainly shouldn't be called greedy for it.

Likewise, I think some people are forcing their values on people who don't share them. I've no idea where you all live, but where I do, gifts for birthdays, weddings, new babies are the norm and expected. There's nothing greedy about wanting a gift, because you give gifts too. If you don't want gifts, you're more than entitled to request you not be given them and to refuse them (that's what I do!), but please, don't judge other people for not sharing your values.

I've always found gift registries to be inherently tacky, presumptive, and just disgustingly consumerist. The only time I don't balk out them is when they're set up by a charity to cover certain needs. Otherwise, I refuse to purchase from a gift registry. If the GIFT (and I think some people have lost meaning of that word) that I bring isn't good enough, the recipient is more than welcome to refuse to accept it. Hasn't happened yet.

Ayla--I've always thought registries were kinda tacky myself, but then I got married, and a year later had a baby. What I found out is that they're very useful. Otherwise people call you and ask what you want, or call your mom, who then calls you and you have to remember who you told what to, and so on, and so on... Planning a wedding, and being pregnant, are tiring enough as it is. People are going to give you presents, which is a wonderful thing, and you might as well get what you want and need, not five toasters. Unless you want five toasters. As it was I got two Kitchenaid mixers, as the registry website must have had a hiccup that day. And if I hadn't registered, I wouldn't have gotten the tangerine one. I love my tangerine mixer.

I completely sympathize. Instead of getting married, me & my guy got a domestic partnership. While my mom totally respects my decision, when I asked half-jokingly, "Do you think this is something I can register for?" She said, "I don't think so," very flatly.

It's not that anyone should expect gifts. But it's total crap people are obligated only if you're doing things that follow in a religious tradition. It again establishes that the only important relationships are married ones and the only decisions that make you an adult are marriage and having kids.

And what's wrong with a single house warming registry? Everyone can use some help getting on their feet! Starting a new life is really hard, is it so wrong to ask someone to get you a toaster oven? You'll pay them back for it when they move, which they are sure to do at some point.

With respect to whether registries are tacky: I can't help but wonder whether the simple solution would be for everyone to create a public wish list that is applicable at any and all times, not just traditional "milestone" events? The point of it being that when I choose to give a gift -- and frankly, when the gift impulse strikes me, who cares whether it's a birthday, wedding, or "Hurray, it's Wednesday" gift? -- I'd really like to be sure it's something that the recipient will like and use. Having an ongoing list that I could refer to before a birthday/shower/random afternoon would be very handy. (Is that what thestuffIwant.com is about?)

The problem I see in the first letter writer's inquiry, however, is the obvious sense of entitlement underlying it. You don't get to expect your community to "set you up" on command any more than you get to expect a certain level of spending out of your wedding guests.

People already celebrate you for yourself. It generally occurs on this thing called "your birthday." Married people happen to get those too. You are also celebrated for your new house. It's called a housewarming -- and yes, married people get those too, and yes, there there is a certain level of gift giving that is typically associated with that. This person wants all the gifts without the associated milestones. What, next she is going to ask for a quantity of gifts equivalent to a baby shower even though she intends to remain childless?

Anyway, that's why I think the ongoing wish list would be a better idea than creating a registry specific to a given event. It takes the sense of expectation out of the process. Sure, these are the things I would love to receive -- but only at such time as you are moved to give, not when I think I ought to be entitled to a bunch of them.

I'm sorry, but this conversation proves that we as a commercial culture have gone totally over the edge. A gift registry for... nothing? What a horrifically self-aggrandizing concept, which, abstracted from feminism, seems to go something like this: "I am special in my ability to make decisions, and deserve to be rewarded economically by my friends and family for that."

Frankly, I'm not a huge fan of wedding registries, and I find it somewhat self-centered that people should feel deserving of reward because they've made the personal decision to tie the knot or whatever. Gift-giving for child-rearing (be it via adoption, birth, whatever) makes a little more sense to me, because its to an extent a token of appreciation for undertaking an enormously challenging, important, and frankly expensive responsibility -- its an expression of community, a gestural and literal act of support from one's social network.

But to extend that to the simple act of living one's life defies the concept of gift-giving. And, frankly, if you feel like the only thing you can ask of your friends and family members is "stuff," you probably either need to find some new friends or reevaluate what friendship and family is supposed to provide in the first place.

I'm generally very, very supportive of the things on this blog, but items like this make me wonder to what extent its authors approach the project with blinders on.

The really ironic thing about the view of the advice columnist is that it makes SO MUCH MORE SENSE to give this woman gifts from a registry than to indiscriminately give them to people just for getting married. This is a woman WHO LOVES TO COOK AND BAKE AND IS MOVING INTO A NEW HOUSE. It's tacky for her to register for gifts, but it's perfectly normal to shower a woman who has never cooked in her life with kitchen utensils because she is getting married and combining all the kitchen utensils she has with her husband.

But, as my mother once put it "married people like nice things."

I had to send this in b/c a very similar thing happened to me. When my BF and I moved in together 2 years ago, we set up a housewarming registry for a few things we needed. He had just returned from graduate school and was living at home with his parents, and I was sharing an apt with my sister. My BF and I were trying to find new homes for things we had duplicates of (like beds and computers), but since he had so little and so much of mine was shared, our move was quick but not necessarily painless.

I left SO many items at my old place b/c my sis & I bought them together or we got them as gifts from our family when we got our place. I knew offhand I'd be short a few things like cookware, utensils, towels, etc. and threw together a short (and frugal) list on Bed Bath & Beyond's website for anyone who wanted to get us something. I was not begging. I had plans of getting these things on my own, in their due time, but if anyone was feeling generous and I could put the money towards other things while we were still absorbing the high costs of moving, great.

I sent out an email to friends with my/our new address and the tentative date for the housewarming party, as well as our registry info..and you would not BELIEVE the snarky replies I got, especially from some of my single girlfriends, like I was demanding gifts in exchange for admission into my new life and my new home.

Their attitude was that I was being greedy b/c I now had a dual income household, and that they'd save the gifts for when I got married, thanks.

So I emailed them back like WTF?! So until I have a ring on my finger and wedding expenses on top of everything else, I'm not worthy of a frying pan? When they spent stupid money on booze or vacations, they'd come to me & my sister's place and we'd set an extra place w/out thinking twice.

But now that I had a MAN, suddenly it was absurd to imagine that I was in want for anything. Like he showed up at my door with 10 camels draped with gold and silks and lampshades. He brought me dinner a couple of times, but it never included the flatware!

Please, I said, if I'm thinking about getting married, and I don't already have a freaking toaster, I have bigger problems to worry about. If that's the case, talk me out of it.

But I found it interesting how they treated me like I had no place in voicing any need because now I had a man to "take care of me". Huh?!

It was like: Listen, girls, I need towels. Every year, you buy me something for my birthday & XMas. Skip both and buy me towels *now* if you feel the need to give me a material object to show love. Because now I got 2 wet, cold asses in my apt., and all the love in the world wasn't going to keep them warm after dishing out a 15% broker fee, 1st & last month's rent, renting a moving truck, etc.

I--and that of most of the people who support Sarah from Cleveland-- feel that if a friend or family member believes in buying gifts for milestones like bdays or weddings ANYWAY, there should be no difference is in buying one for a housewarming.

I don't think it was at all unreasonable for Sarah to want to get some support from her friends in setting up the next stage in her life. The reality of it is that it is that high morals aside, people need material things, and as much as we'd like to dismiss their importance, we all have them, we all want them, we all need them.

I'm sure a number of Sarah's aforementioned friends put a bunch of expensive, unnecessary sh*t on their registries, and she likely went out and bought it b/c she's been taught that that's just what you do. I mean, hell, you'd WANT to figure that if your friends are asking you for these things, they must NEED them, right?

Most of the time, they don't, and it's just stupid frivolous crap they just wouldn't be bothered to buy for themselves, like silver & fine china for a tshirt & jeans wearing couple of beer drinkers who will just send out a Thank You card and then stash the stuff in the attic until they need the space and throw it away or sell it at a garage sale.

And friends and family are supposed to rally around that kind of waste & stupidity?

On the topic of stupidity, let's not overlook the end of the article, where the so-called etiquette "expert" advises: "And if you don’t like this approach, scrap the housewarming and go for the gusto: tell your friends you’re knocked up and engaged to a rocker who’s conveniently on tour. With a baby and wedding shower combined, you’ll double your take-home!"

Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh. Just disgusted top to bottom. Way to pat her on the head and reaffirm that the only way she can validate her experience is to follow the hetero-normative formula and get married & have a baby when that is PRECISELY what she has voiced no interest in doing.

Where is this girl? I want to buy her a stand up mixer.

i am fifty and single and have been dealing with this problem of gifts for weddings for years. i am sick of giving gifts. i have no children but have given gifts to all my nieces and nephews for EVERY occasion. they are now getting married and of course i am expected to give shower and wedding gifts. i am gifted out and probably will refuse to give gifts to their children. when does it stop??? i barely get a card on my birtday and of course never gifts for "valentines day, anniversaries, mothers day" etc that my sisters get every year. i do not have a lot of money and feel like i have to give them things that i do not have myself. i have decided it is time singles stand up and help eradicate this antiquated practice. i think once an individual starts to be on their own and in their first real apartment (not college apt) or house, then a "Home Sweet Home" shower should be given to help them get started whether first-time for singles or marrieds.. . and it would be focused on REAL needs for the home (not smore makers!) - pots and pans, towels, dishes, glasses, cutting boards, blenders, mixers, etc. why should anyone get all the gifts just because they are getting married?? it is saying that singles would never need china for family gatherings or entertaining.plus the marrieds have more income to buy the stuff they need than singles. it is my belief that if everyone had a "HOME SWEET HOME" shower, weddings could be more focused on the celebration of the relationship (which is still kind of silly - in my opinion - becasue i feel like it is saying you can only be happy if you are married - not)and gifts would not be needed . as for baby showers - well it is a choice to have a child (unlike pre-pill days) so if someone cannot afford to buy all the stuff you need for a baby - then they cannot afford a baby! before the pill (1960's) people did not even know how they got pregnant! so to many it was a complete surprise and then maybe a shower was necessary. gone are those days. please help start the "Home Sweet Home"shower idea. if no one doesn't do anything about changing this wedding ritual - it will never change. please help. please give a friend or adult single child a "home sweet home" shower to help them get started in the adult world (it could be a celebration of sending them off into the adult world - a celebration of becoming an adult (now that is something to celebrate!)

This is not greedy at all. Whoever called this poor girl tacky and greedy needs to get a reality check! Not everyone is going to get married and, after a while, it's nice to have a big moment in your life celebrated as well. House/apartment registries are growing more and more common! Actually, my best friend recently set up a housewarming registry at MyRegistry.com. It looks great, she's supporting her fellow Etsy artisans, it's easy to know what to get her, and no one is offended because a registry is a list of ideas in case someone wants to buy you a gift. No one forces friends to purchase gifts but they usually do so why not have a registry that taylors to a person's specific taste and style. I mean, c'mon, really?!