I really don't understand how parents can to that to a kid- especially knowing how much it hurts you.

I wish I had some words of wisdom. All I can say is that I've seen pictures of you and I think you look adorable and that there's nothing at all wrong with you.

I'm so sorry, Samhita. I don't have a whole bunch of advice because weight is the one aspect of my life that my mother has never commented on (boys, choices, political views, etc. are fair game). However, despite my mother's hands off attitude toward my looks, I still had a bit of a problem in high school with fasting because of the feedback from other parents and peers.
I don't know how you've dealt with it. You must be a very strong person. I have to say that overcoming these issues is difficult.
The only thing I can think of is to keep correcting your mother's perspective on things. Telling her it is rude works, but also letting the community know that you are not ashamed of your body might work as well.
I wish I had more constructive things to say, and I hope things get better. I think we all need a bit of help with feeling good about ourselves, especially in our parents' eyes.
So, you are awesomely intelligent, a great writer and very attractive (judging from both your personality and your pictures on the blog)!
There! Feel better?

for a long time i went without a scale - my method of judging whether or not i was "fit" was just looking at myself in a mirror and seeing whether or not i looked healthy. i felt the healthiest throughout these years.

unfortunately, right now i'm experiencing a period of not being able to fit into older clothes and generally having the most miserable time in dressing rooms, so i can't say i'm coping with you right now. trying to just work out, feeling my muscles, this is what i have now. this is the healthy that i want.

Why is it that people from South Asia are so flipping concerned about weight? I went to visit some relatives in Paris, and one of them asked my parents if I ate my brother's food as well as my own! Luckily he didn't say it in French or English, otherwise that plank would have been going head first through a window...

I can't offer advice, but I share your pain. My parents are constantly telling me to lose weight. Yes, I know I'm fat, but I also know that if I lose weight, the number of creepy men hitting on me will only increase. I am a creepy man magnet.

My weight is SUCH an issue whenever I visit my lovely Pakistani family. Have become vegan and an avid cyclist 3 years ago, everyone is now focused on the fact that I have lost weight and feels the need to comment on my dietary choices in an extremely negative way. I have a twin sister who deals with the bulk of negative comments because the two of us are constantly compared to each other in very unfair ways.

I hate that "healthy" means "thin" to my family.

Being the eldest cousin, I have to now put up with "put on a little bit of weight, you're wasting away - you need to look child-bearing for your future husband and set an example for everyone else". It never ends, eh. I'm either fat or too skinny.

I remember my dad poking/grabbing my belly once when I was in college, my mother's obsessive dieting/projection and all the comments. Eventually of course I internalized all of it, media/entertainment industry, fashion, people on the street, co workers, friends etc.

My life became measured by fat times and thin times, the grail of fitting into my smallest size pants, the grief of not being able to fit into my largest. I once calculated I spent over 1/4 of my life feeling like shit because of my size. Talk about an ideal method of subjugating women...

With your self and your family it is helpful to reposition the way your physical form is being judged. Isn't it fantastic that you are so healthy? That your body is strong and capable!

What is your family's fear of you being over weight? That you will not be attractive? Not being attractive because you 'need' a marriage partner or some other indicator of success? Keep deconstructing the conversation with your family until they can say why they are judging you and why they feel it is an issue. Often if that root cause can be addressed the judging will quiet down.

Health is more important than pant size!

My dear departed dad would say crap like that to me all the time. It didn't help that my mom was always skinnier than me, so I got the comparison comments too ("now, stickinthemud gains weight, but her mother, she's just perfect".)

I finally flipped at the age of 29 or so after yet another rude comment of his and just stood right in front of him and looked him in the eye and said, "You know what? Just don't make any more comments about my weight, ever again. It's insulting and offensive and hurts my feelings."

Amazingly, it worked. Not another comment about my weight, ever. I don't know if this will work with everyone, but the directive approach worked for me.

Whenever I go home, I make a point out of eating out with friends as much as possible. They don't care what I eat and always give me an ear if I need to talk about my weight problems.

I'm currently in a "fat" place right now after having struggled with anorexia, bulemia, and compulsive overeating with in a span of 3 years. Every time I go home, the first thing my mother does is stare pointedly at my stomach to make sure I'm not too thin or too fat for her taste. And then wonders why I don't go home for vacation anymore. Just keep hanging in there and know that you have friends, online and nearby, who see you and not your waistline.

*hugs* I know the feeling, I don't go home often for exactly that reason. My parents can't seem to not comment on my weight or my appearance and seem to also be unable to realize that even if I'm "fat" it doesn't mean I'm a bad person. Quite something coming from people who are "fat" themselves. Then again, when my mother was looking for a job recently, my father kept telling her she wouldn't get one because she's fat...I don't know how she deals with that...

anyway *hug* and I hope it gets better.

My sister was a fashion model for about 14 years and my mother and aunts were also tall and thin. At 5'11" and 140 I always felt fat. I wasn't until I got older and met someone in the "health profession" that I actually got the positive reaction of "you're not fat at all." I have to admit it felt good.

Whenever I feel crappy about myself, I go to www.hel-looks.com - yes, it's street fashion blog, but it's based in Helsinki and has all sorts of people with all sorts of bodies and they all look happy. It's shallow, yes, but still affirming.

Other than looking at pretty pictures and trying to keep a positive attitude, I can't tell you anything moving.

I come from a Taiwanese family. I am 21 and currently taking a semester off from school, thus living at home. I've been struggling with weight ever since I was young, because I was always a chubby girl. I don't know why it's okay for these asian relatives to comment on weight... my nickname growing up was "fat little girl" in Chinese (though, my chinese not being great, I thought it was translated to "fat cow" for the longest time b/c the two words are pronounced the same.)

I know I emotionally eat sometimes, and I feel that secret sense of accomplishment when I don't eat that much in a day. The problem is I love food and my dad's an awesome cook. So it's led to on and off bulimia since I was 15, which I'm not quite certain how to deal with yet, even though I've done some therapy and have done a lot of research on the subject. Anyway,

My ma goes on sometimes, saying I eat too much and that I need to exercise. Then she'll say, if you don't start exercising and you get fatter, don't come whining and complaining about it later. Or she'll say, look at you sitting there, just getting fatter. She knows about my eating problems, (hence the, "don't complain about it later" comment), but she just is completely clueless to the fact that her methods are horrible. I've spoken to her a few times, and it always seems like I get through, but I always find out afterwards that nothing's really changed.

I don't know, most of the time I try to just put it down to the culture and her supreme ignorance. Philosophically rising above, but, haha, is it difficult and do I have my lapses. The best way is just to not be around it, but since you're moving back, it seems like the least you could do is try to sit down and talk to them about it once more?

This ethos is so pervasive in asian cultures, that even though it damages the health of a lot of girls and women, there's always that socially backed support of congratulations whenever you look a little thinner and you're still standing. The people perpetuating this, often don't think anything of it because they are so immersed in it.

Sorry for the long post.

Samhita, stay strong, and hold on to that feeling of goodness when you look in the mirror. I've struggled with the same feelings my whole life, and even though I'm at a healthy weight, I still have moments of spiralling shame and disgust when I have to buy a bigger size than I did 2 years ago. One thing that has helped for me is practicing yoga--I've been doing it for almost a year now, and the attitude of exercising to bring yourself calm, focus, and health (rather than to hit some "goal" weight) has really started to change my feelings about my body. The combination of greater strength and flexibility and the daily reminder to practice compassion toward myself and others has begun to do its good work, and reduced the frequency of those bad moments.

Apropos of all of this, has anyone seen this post at Salon's Broadsheet?

http://www.salon.com/mwt/broadsheet/feature/2008/10/13/fat_talk_free_week/index.html

It's about a program to fight anorexia and bulimia, and the idea of having a Fat Talk Free week...It includes the terrifying, tragic statistic that 54% of American women would rather be hit by a truck than be fat. Check it out...

My dad pulled me aside once and said exact words not even kidding "We've noticed you've been gaining more weight and we just want you to be healthy. You don't need to use drugs for your boyfriend (referring to birth control and condomless sex of course). I mean people are cruel and they will not want to be around you if you get any bigger. Do you want to loose Michael (my boyfriend)?" So I stood there stunned. Of course I had to leave right away because all I wanted to do was kill myself but I just grabbed my sister and we went for a crying drive. This was the same man who put me on my first diet when I was 7 years old. Now I know my dad is not a terrible person but he has definitly said some heart breaking things to me.

I am also from an immigrant family (from Bosnia) and weight is a GIANT deal in our community. It is the very first thing someone says when you see them either "you have gained weight" or " you have lost weight". There hasn't been one woman in my family who has not had an eating disorder. I also stayed away from the Bosnian community for this reason and made A LOT of American/Canadian friends who don't greet me with "fat hellos". I don't know where it comes from Samhita but what I do know is that I understand. I was actually thinking of publishing my "fat diaries". I've kept a diary of my weight and my feelings about my weight and self-esteem since I was in 4th grade and I'm 23 now. It's pretty self-destructive writing.

Anywho the advice that I do have for those people who have those "fat" days/years/decades is the following. For a long time I would cry myself to sleep because of the way I looked and then one day I got totally naked and I apologized to every part of my body that I berated at one point and time and I slowly started to forgive myself for what I had let others do to me. Now as soon as someone makes a comment, and I think those thoughts I lock myself in the bathroom and forgive myself for hurting that body part (stomach, thighs, butt etc). It's really helped I'm actually much happier now. : )

I can totally relate. When I was a teenager, my parents even offered to PAY me per pound of weight I lost-- $100 per pound to put towards a car. At the time, I didn't fully grasp how insulting that offer was. Another time, my mom patted my stomach and asked "are you having a baby?" Whenever I snack in front of my parents, they always say "that's enough" and take the box away from me.

Obviously these things wore down on me. Fortunately, I've never struggled with eating disorders (except for occasional stress-eating). Finally, after going away to college and living away from home the next summer, I told my mom on the phone that I acknowledged that I had a few extra pounds, but that I was happy with the way I looked and I wouldn't call home anymore if they kept asking me about my weight. It worked.

It's so hard not to take the things your parents say to you seriously... good luck! :-)

Luckily, I've never had my parents make any seriously negative comments about my body, and my mother has only lightly commented on my weight maybe once or twice in my lifetime. However, in my extended family I get comments all the time, especially from my great-grandmother.

She constantly acts like all I have to do to solve all of my problems is lose weight, which is the idea I had in my had when I was at my lightest, about 4 years ago. At this time, I also thought I was impossibly fat, where the fact is it if I lost any weight from that point I probably would have been awkwardly thin (I am a very big-boned, strong-statured person). She has told my mother that I would be so much more beautiful if I lost weight, invites me to her house for dinner only to criticize what and how much I eat (even if she puts it right in front of me), and she in fact has APPLAUDED an extreme diet that one of my aunts is on in the same sentence as when she was informing me the same aunt was having some heart problems, probably from the diet. Major red flag to me, but anything to get thin, right?

Anyway, where I'm going with all this, is that my technique is to look at anyone who says anything about my weight as absolutely insane, or in this case, senile (atleast when it comes to the matter of weight). Her priorities are all wrong, and though I love her, it's something I need to poke fun at her about in order to not take her seriously. Maybe it's easier because my great grandmother is pushing 90, but it really helps to talk about the outrageous stuff she's said and done with friends of mine and laugh at it as if it's utter ridiculousness (which it usually is). I take this approach because I know she won't ever stop doing this, no matter how many times I ask her, so I think it's deserving of a little ridicule.

I'm the typical story like alot of the women here. I was a knobby-kneed little kid until I hit puberty and gained a whole bunch of weight. I got teased by my brothers, people at school, and I internalized all of it along with the media's endorsements of being thin. When I did lose 70lbs, people kept making comments about how glad they were that I did but, not only that, everyone also went on and on about how easy it is to fail and gain it all back (none of these people had ever lost of gained a significant amount of weight themselves). It was like they were all trying to encourage me to fail. I felt like it was the biggest mixed message. The teasing doesn't stop when you become and adult. It just changes form slightly to that "we are concerned" crap or similar things.

Apparently, I am too fat to be deserving of a loving husband (and definitely not a good looking thin one like I have). When I told people he proposed, some of my classmates in grad school actually asked how I tricked him into it and they weren't even kidding! One of the other overweight girls even wanted pointers!

The internalization of all this stupidity has resulted in not even being able to take jokes that aren't meant to be hurtful. It was Thanksgiving weekend up here. Of course, that is a holiday that has become synonymous with over eating. I was eating some left-overs and my husband jokingly said "Are you doing some farming today?" He actually wasn't trying to tease me about how much I was eating. He had this stupid voice and silly face and was trying to make fun of the people who would do that but it is such a touchy issue with me that it really hurt my feelings. I told him so and he apologized and says he doesn't have a problem with how much I eat. (In fact, due to other life factors, I have only been eating ~800 calories a day the last few weeks and he has been really worried about my health because of it.) He continued to compliment me etc. etc. but the damage was done. I can't just come out of comments like that unscathed no matter what the real meaning behind them was. The scars go too deep.

As for my not eating enough lately, that is a funny thing too about people equating thin with healthy. I have lost some weight recently simply because I haven't been eating. Friends and family keep commenting on how great I look and it is fabulous I've lost some weight. No one asks why or how. If I mention all the health problems I have been having that have led to this, no one cares. It is like they have a fat filter that filters out any reasons for why losing this weight is a bad thing.

*breath* I'm sorry for going on and on like this. This is a touchy subject for me right now. I'm sorry I don't have any great and profound advice, Samhita. Unfortunately, you must have figured out by all these comments that you are very much not alone.

Indian parents never change. Love mine to death, but every time i go home we all revert to the people we were the last time I lived at home. The dating and weight comments are consistently there, and realistically, aren't going to go away. because they aren't trying to be hurtful, as you said, it's hard to make them change. you just have to be at a place to brush it off, as exasperating and sometimes impossible as it seems. you'll can either develop a system, or worst case, move out again. at least that's my experience :)

I had to have this conversation with my mom a few years ago. I said something like "I'm happy with my body, please don't make comments." For the most part, she has respected that and hasn't made any negative comments. However, she can't help herself from making the positive comments when I do lose weight. The last one that had me shaking my head was when I had lost 6 pounds in 3 days, after being in the hospital with a nearly life-threatening condition. I said something about being alarmed by that and needing to eat for energy, even though I wasn't hungry. She said something like "Oh, don't work to hard on that. Maybe you'll be able keep that weight off."

I got three ideas:

First, add Shapely Prose to your blogroll. You will always find a lot of support and helpful advice among the Shapelings

Second, point out to your parents that weight is exactly as heritable as height, and if the wanted you to be thinner, then they should have made you thinner at conception

Third, ask your mother what her goal is in harassing you about your weight. Is she hoping to nag you thinner so that you can marry a nice man who'll provide for you? Does she think she can insult you into greater happiness of some kind? Looked at that way, she'll probably see how counter-productive her efforts are.

Good luck, be strong, be well.

I am 23 years old, 5'6" and 180lbs. I'm a size 14, but I have to tailor everything I own because my breasts are huge and, comparatively, my waist is tiny (I do have a bit of a belly bulge, but with the right clothes no one knows but me, and I'm okay with that), so in order to look like I have a figure, I have to take everything in at my high waist. I think that the fashion industry likes to shame women who don't have the shapes they make their clothing for, so gals shaped like me have to wear clothes that are too big and make them look awful, or too small and make people cringe at the sight of, omg, muffin top! That's why I shop at Lane Bryant, but this isn't an ad for them.

I too, like many others here, have been harassed about my weight my whole life. For a while, I was trying to lose weight "get in shape". At first I wanted to lose a lot of weight. Then, just a little... now I no longer care. I have stayed the same weight since high school, through increased activity levels, and decreased activity levels. Eating more, eating less. It hasn't mattered. I have never gained or lost more than 5lbs, and I think my body and I have reached an agreement: I take care of her and she won't hurt. Taking care of my body is more important than being skinny. And you know what, I no longer care what the fat-shaming hypocrites in my life have to say about it.

I asked my boyfriend what he would think if I gave up on trying to lose weight, explaining that I still want to take care of myself and be active, but that I no longer care necessarily about being thin, just healthy. He supports me. All he cares about is me being healthy -- a sudden weight gain would not be healthy, and we both know that starving myself in order to reach what society thinks is the right weight for me is just as bad.

We don't come from cookie-cutters. We've each got out own blueprint, and those plans and designs are all different making us different heights, weights, giving us different skin colors, eye colors, and whatever. No one ever hassles me for being short. I should be taller! Wait, no I shouldn't. I can't change my height any more than I can my weight -- and I've tried both.

And by the way, it's Fat Talk Free Week -- no shaming yourself or others about their weight this week. And yes, have cake. Eat it too. :)

For one, I saw a picture of you in a previous blog, and I don't see how you're overweight.

Secondly, I can relate to your situation. When I was born, I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. The nature of the disease causes me to have fluctuating weight in relation to how well the medication is working. I have only been at a "normal" weight at one time in my life. When I was a child, my chubby frame seemed to be a source of shame for my mother. She put me on the Slim-Fast diet when I was eight, and when I took one of the bars to school and a teacher saw it, I was promptly taken off. Hmmm...Later, at fourteen, after walking all summer, I was down to 118 lbs, which for my frame was about two pounds over. I told my mother and she said, "You could stand to lose ten more."

Over the past few years, I've just come to accept that I am who I am. I'm more interested in feeling good internally than I am looking good. And actually, aside from the goiter I'm ashamed of, I like the way I look.

I see my mother go on and off fad diets, each one taking more of a blow to her self-esteem. I don't ever want to be like that. She's a product of the media's destructive weight message. I've distanced myself from that. She no longer says anything about my weight, because she's acknowledged my disease has more serious symptoms.

It's always going to hurt; the barbs are always going to be there. All you can do is just acknowledge that you are beautiful, intelligent, and successful.

Samhita, I am South Asian/Desi like you and I find you inspiring, you're the only Feministing blogger that I can totally relate to on a personal level.

Please know that you are AWESOME and I totally adore you.

People have commented on my weight my entire life -- but because I'm "too skinny" rather than because I'm "fat".

When I was about 11 my grandparents stood around me in the kitchen, staring at my legs, commenting on how my knees stuck out. When dinner was over I went in the bathroom and cried.

I have always been thinner than most women my height, but have never had an eating disorder or tried to keep weight off. This is just the way I'm made. And being asked, "Are you anorexic?" is like being punched in the gut.

As I've gotten a little older, I've learned to ignore comments about my weight. I've also learned to stand up for myself whenever possible. I'm lucky to have a partner who supports me and thinks I'm beautiful just the way I am, and I've surrounded myself with friends who have better things to do than worry about my weight.

Hey Dear,
I don't know if this is of any help, but I wondered if you couldn't just tell her about your (past) issues and how her comments affect you, still. Maybe I'm making too obvious a point and I guess she does know - but does she know that these remarks are still hurting? I mean, have you told her recently, in private, about this (not with family or any others there)?

I was in the same position, but different in a strange way; I kept receiving compliments (from family) about my weight loss when I was about 16, 17 - which was effectively the time in which my anorexia took over; Looking at photos I can't help asking myself what the hell they were talking about - I looked like a skeleton.

anyway. You've come a long way. very, very good - so don't let others ruin that progress you made.

Here's how I keep from getting down on myself when others (like me friend who talks about weight loss all the time) make it easy: a

1. Remember that food and weight are not inherently bad. Seems obvious, I know, but it takes a lot to counter all the ads telling us otherwise. Food is a means of experiencing pleasure, comfort, socializing, enjoying life, connecting with our bodies, etc. Too many people try to say, "Food should only be used to nourish your body. Any other use is BAD," but that's crazy. Allow yourself to experience food as nourishing pleasure, and, when you do eat something that's all pleasure, no nourishment, don't EVER feel guilty. Guilt should be reserved for causing pain unto others. Don't regret it, either. Just acknowledge, and move on.

2. Focus on the essentialism of your body. I think we too often separate the body from the self, forgetting that it is the means through which we experience all life. More than a companion or attachment, it is our concrete form; to do it wrong by means of emotional or physical abuse is to do great harm to a silent, ever-present part of our life that seeks only to help us.

3. Straight up educate your folks on the consequences of negative body image, such as depression, feelings of despondence, and suicidal thoughts. Not that you're suffering those, but that these remarks can have such a negative effect. I think people who've never been on the receiving end have a hard time realizing the emotional hurt. Or, as I have with my father, reiterate that these things must not be talked about, or you'll have to stop all contact.

Sometimes I think it's hard for people just to get that our bodies function as more than objects through which we can find sexual approval. That we should love our breasts when they become smaller (because it makes life easier)or be fine with our totally useful, wonderful, healthy bodies for reasons irrelevant to finding a man is incomprehensible to some.

And, at the risk of invalidating everything I've just said, I also think you're hot Samhita. Rock on.

Fat girl in math grad school; yeah, I need self-esteem boosters from time to time. (Every night??)

I have a lot of solo dance parties. And then I remember my friends DO actually love me, body and all, and invite them to join me.

I swear that this isn't some "I lost weight so you can too" testimonial. Instead I guess I'm including the numbers more to illustrate my point.

I too dealt with the parents who were very obsessive about my weight. My mother was proud of the fact that she weighed less than 100 lbs before she conceived me. So her 5'10 150 lb daughter in high school was embarrassing. I was active however, played sports and worked out.

Then in college I had the weight gain thing happen, weighing almost 200 by graduation and was constantly reminded that I was FAT.

I dealt with *that* by moving away (like you).

But in the process, I didn't feel happy with my body, perhaps it was because of what my mother said, but for some reason I didn't feel "fit". I didn't like how I became short of breath sooner than my coworkers, things like that.

The way I dealt with my feelings about myself was that I became active again. Now that I was no longer getting my 4 year degree in 3.5 years, I had time for myself. I didn't just do this because "I wanted to get skinny". I did it because I used to really enjoy yoga and running. My job was rather physically active too, so that helped.

I got rid of the scale, I didn't worry about it at all. I told myself that it didn't matter, and I'll admit that it did help that I had a few guys who found me attractive when I went out.

Instead of focusing on weight I instead focused on what I was able to do: new yoga positions, 4 mile run without walking, 2 miles in less time than before (I did like, a 10 minute mile, nothing special), bench presses or leg lifts. Heck, if I focused on weight I wouldn't have had my "heavy cream" phase in learning how to cook (that was so yummy).

I guess the moral of the story is that I focused on the enjoyment that I got in life (cooking *and* exercising as well as work/friends/family) and became proud of how I could make my body work for me.

I figure that is what my body is here for, to get me from place to place with ease and enjoyment. If it does that I'm treating it well.

As for my parents. They still say I'm fat. My mother still tells me my breasts aren't big enough. My father still tells me I look like a boy with my hair. I tell them that it hurts, but it doesn't stop them. So I don't see them much (not really a choice for some people). However I have a partner who finds me to be most attractive (reassurance helps), and I must admit that I do enjoy looking in the mirror and seeing the hips I have. (they're pretty hot if I may say so ;) ... I'd do me ). Someone asks me to describe my body shape (5'10" and varying between 165 and 175... what can I say, some of my friends have scales and I get curious) and I just reply "pleasantly squishy".

I hope I helped!
----
I guess my other strategy for dealing with things is just to remember that people are sometimes a**holes with s**t for brains and they don't deserve my time if they consider me, an awesome person inside and out, to be fat.

Wow...samhita you basically echoed my life at home.
I'm at university now, but every time my parents come to visit, they first thing they mention is my weight (well...except for this last time which was the first time they saw my nosering hehe). I remember I went home for two weeks in summer...at the end of the two weeks, my mom looks at me and is like "when I first saw you, you were starting to look fat, but now you're looking ok". (yea ok...living with my parents stresses me out to the point that I lose weight...good for them...ugh).
I guess I've just learned to accept that my parents' views will never change. I mean...my dad keeps saying to me "don't eat too much sugar! Once you gain weight it's almost impossible to go back!" and things like that...but I've just learned to laugh about it I guess. I wish I had something more concrete to say...but like...the only thing I've learned to do has been to deal with it. I only ever see them 3-4 times a year...so it works out.

Samhita,

I think your story has a twist to it which is very outside the mainstream in the US. From what I gather, your parents are from a different culture (that's me assuming that they didn't grow up in the US). If this is true, then we must understand that they are not culturally in the same place as the US mainstream.

My husband (whom I find super-attractive) has gained some weight during the past few years. (I truly think weight gain has a lot to do with your genetics since he is much more active than I am, yet I stay skinny and he gains weight).

I am Iranian and he is American. My Iranian parents really love him but especially my mom (who was a doctor back home) liked to talk to him about his weight. Other relatives also made some comments. He always got uncomfortable. My parents had to learn not to talk about this. They still sometimes do and he gets angry.

The problem here is that in Iran, being fat was not as bad as it is here in the US. The first time I heard being fat associated with being lazy, or an implication of someone's personality, was in fact from my husband seven years ago (who was then my boyfriend). I was totally surprised and found it really mean!

I'm not saying there is no stigma associated with weight in Iran, especially now that everything is getting global. Growing up there, I would hear people talking about losing weight, but I can tell you that I NEVER thought being chubby could have a negative connotation about your personality! I can only imagine how my parents are even more oblivious of its negative connotations in the US. (and let's not forget that in these cultures maybe 50 years ago being chubby was considered attractive,... I always remember my grandparents thought no boys would like me and my sister because we were too skinny!)

I have explained this over and over to my husband and he still finds in offensive and unkind. I've tried to explain to my parents how things are here, and I'm still not sure they understand 100%, but they have made an effort not to talk about his weight at all.

I know it's tough on you, but maybe this is where your parents are coming from too. Maybe they are not thinking that being chubby is disgusting (like people do in the US) and that's why it's easier to talk about it. The cultural differences play a huge role here.

Reading these comments, I'm amazed by what a pervasive issue weight is in our society. I'm thin and yet I too can relate to all this - the summer between my junior and senior year of high school I gained about 5 pounds and was promptly told by my parents that they were "concerned" about me. Never mind the fact that I'm 5'6" and never got up to more than 135 (which isn't even near the heavier side of the healthy range, let alone overweight - this should tell you something about how fucked up my parents' and society's weight views are). Now that I'm in college, I've actually lost about 15 pounds since freshman year (I'm a junior now), and guess what - my family thinks I might be getting too thin! As you all said, nothing is ever good enough. Even those of us who fall into the supposed "ideal" of weight ranges get plenty of bullshit about our weight.

So yeah, this is an issue that all women face, not just the overweight ones. Although I won't deny that overweight women in society are treated much, much worse and that that is completely WRONG. Samhita, I can't imagine how much that must suck for you and I hope your parents (and society) learn to back off.

I'm 21 years old, 4'11'' and around 130 lbs. I started gaining weight when I spent a semester in France, then gained my freshman 15 and it's been a couple of years since then. I think because I'm so tiny (as in short), it's hard to see that I'm overweight. And really, the first time someone ever told me they didn't like my weight was my doctor. I probably would have taken her more seriously if she hadn't been so condescending... Not that I'm not taking her seriously. I'm having a hard time finding the balance between feeling good about my body the way that it is and still staying healthy. All throughout my childhood, I was very sway-back, so even though I was the "normal" weight (whatever that is) for my age, my stomach still stuck out and I've been self conscious about that for as long as I can remember. The major problem I have is finding clothes that fit! I'm constantly uncomfortable in my clothes and every day I can't wait until I can go home and get into my loose pajama pants.

Anyway, self-indulgent rant aside - thank you all for telling your stories. It was great to read them and they were very inspiring.

It's great to read all the experiences people have posted here. Fat hate is really deeply rooted in a huge variety of cultures, and I'm ashamed to admit that I can be pretty sizest myself sometimes.

I've struggled with weight issues my entire life, and as someone who has been anywhere from emaciated to overweight, let me say, NOTHING will ever be good enough for some people. A few extra pounds? You're disgusting and no one will ever find you attractive. A regular weight? You're kinda pudgy, and no one will ever like you. Underweight? You bitch, I hate you! You're so pretty you disgust me! Severely emaciated? You're disgusting and no one will ever find you attractive.

The only way you can win is if YOU like the way you look and you are secure enough to withstand criticism. I know you're strong, Samhita, you can deal with it. :) And for the record, I think you're gorgeous.

Awesome post, Samhita. I know when I write some posts or comments with deeply personal material, I take a deep breath before I put it up. It's not easy, but nothing connects people like shared experience, and I think you just did a lot of folks a lot of good.

My own weight issues are relatively minor, and my family issues are about other things. But my spouse has struggled with weight her whole life. My father's offensive comments about her weight are still an open sore in our family; just one more thing I'll never really forgive. I express support as much as I can, but I can never fully overcome the rest of the culture. Sometimes I can make her feel as beautiful and I see her, but she never stays in that place.

I have a daughter, and I don't know what her body will look like, but I want the world to be fair to her whatever her shape. I don't know how to make that happen. And I want her to feel strong and valued and loved and confident and good about herself, no matter what her shape. I have some idea how to make that happen, and I'm trying.

I second the plug for Shapely Prose (and once you get there, check their blogroll for numerous other fat-positive blogs) -- discovering Kate and crew has literally changed my life (and that in a matter of months!). I was a normal-weight (though very tall) child, a heavier-but-not-really-fat adolescent, and lower-end-of-fat-but-definitely-fat young adult. Throughout all of those stages, I thought I was disgusting. Around age 23, I took up Weight Watchers, and for about the next 7 years, I was either "officially" on WW or still (mainly) eating that way "unofficially." (Although I sometimes binged and even flirted a little with purging.) My weight fluctuated during that time period, but on the whole I maintained a significant weight loss. Everyone around me -- family, friends, co-workers -- was so impressed. I was praised and envied. And there was a part of me that felt proud. But mostly? I still hated myself. And dieting -- which is what Weight Watchers is, no matter how much they call themselves a "lifestyle change" -- triggered my obsessive-compulsive tendancies. I continually thought about food, portions, the number on the scale -- I was always apprehensive about gaining even a couple of pounds. The last time I did WW was this past winter. I reached my "goal weight," and then had an epiphany: if I wanted to maintain that "goal weight," then I was going to be on a diet for the rest. of. my. fucking. life. I realized that I couldnt' deal with that, and started investigating body-acceptance and Health At Every Size. Since giving up dieting, I have gained something like 30 lbs (I hid my scale, but I was weighed once at the dr's office) -- and I *like my body better than I did when I was at my skinniest.* I won't lie, I have days where I get down on myself and feel "fat." And it's frustrating that I'm having to rebuild my wardrobe. But most days, I can look at myself in the mirror naked and think I look pretty damn good. *However,* I haven't seen my family since last winter, and they have no idea that I've gained weight -- I haven't "come out" to very many people about FA yet. I am a little anxious about going home for the holidays this year, wondering what my relatives might think or say. My mother can be quite critical, and she *also* considered me an "inspiration" for her own weight-loss. My sister, who I love dearly, struggles with her weight and shit-talks herself regularly. I tried to broach HAES with her when I first read about it, and she wasn't interested.
Anyway, the point of this marathon posting is to say that I think it's awesome that you feel good about your body most of the time -- not a lot of women in our society can say that, I don't think. Families are hard -- even if you've long established that you have a different worldview than your relatives, having disagreements/confrontations with them is horribly uncomfortable. I would suggest that you do keep pointing out (as calmly as possible) that you find it rude and hurtful when your parents comment on your weight. If you think they'd be receptive, maybe explain to them that you believe healthy does not equal thin, and that "health" also includes *mental* health. Still, I think parents have a tendancy to believe that, because they made your body, they have a special right to comment on it. So they may never understand how you feel. In that case, *do* keep telling yourself how awesome you are, and *do* read body-positive websites/books/articles, so that you can remind yourself that you are not alone.

Ugh. Dude, I can't believe your mom said that in public .... and yet I can.

It's amazing how shitty those comments feel when they come from our parents. One of the Top Ten most distressing moments of my life came when my father made a remark about my "revealing" shirt just before I boarded a plane to Africa. He was repentant to the max, but it's hard to undo the damage.

Thanks for sharing, Samhita. You're awesome, you're beautiful, and you're supporting your curvaceous sisters by sharing stories like this.

Seven years ago, after exhausted ever other method of communication I wrote this letter to my parents. We have not spoken about my weight or "health" since.

Dear Mom and Dad,

Maybe to you loving someone means hurting them but this has never been how I defined love. I am tired of feeling worthless, ugly, and unwanted… and being around you and hearing your thoughts about my body makes me feel this way. I am so much more then some number on a scale but this all you ever concern yourselves with.

Perhaps you think that if I am not thin I will never be happy, or at least this is what your actions have communicated to me. Well, the only time my weight makes me unhappy is when I am around you. From the moment I step into your house I am on the defensive, waiting for one of you to make some comment about my weight… waiting for you to hurt me.

Do you think if you hurt my feelings enough and make me miserable enough I will lose weight? Because it isn’t working, it has never worked. All you have accomplished is to push me further away from you. Your opinions about my weight (or health as you call it now) have done nothing except make me feel like shit all my life.

What is more important to you… how I look or how I feel? Your actions constantly show me that the most important thing to you is how I look. I am sorry that you are so ashamed of my appearance, but you and your friends are the only ones that have a problem with it. And maybe that makes you think that you love me more, but all it makes me feel like is that you don’t love me at all.

Trust me when I say I know, painfully well, exactly what you feel and think about my body. I can repeat back to you every conversation, diet book, or exercise regime we have ever discussed. What I am not sure of you is what you think of me as a person. Do you realize that you have a daughter who lives inside this body that you hate so much? Do you realize that you are making her miserable? Do you even care?

I am not asking for acceptance or support from you. I am simply asking for an end to the comments about my weight. I don’t EVER again want to discuss my weight, my eating habits, my exercise patterns, or anything remotely related with my body with either of you. If you can’t promise me this then I don’t want you in my life. So its up to you, you can either have a fat daughter or no daughter at all but I will longer be your fat miserable daughter.

Don't worry - people don't just judge/"worry about" you if you're overweight. Long-winded (but hopefully useful) story and advice ahead:

My parents were absolutely perfect (progressive, accepting, loving, supportive, etc.) in every way except for one: I spent my teenage years getting shit from both my mother (who was projecting her own weight issues onto me - and she shouldn't because she's damn beautiful and not at all overweight) and my father (who is really, REALLY into health and physical fitness).

(Disclaimer: my assertion throughout this thing that I was not overweight is, in no way, claiming that being fat/big/heavy/BBW/whatever is a bad thing. Everyone's fucking gorgeous, ok? I'm just stating facts.)

The worst part of all is that I was, in no way, overweight. I am 5'4", at the time I weighed 135, had D cups, and was solid muscle from years of doing every sport imaginable. My mother asked several doctors who literally told her "stop it - she's not overweight. She's going through puberty. She's growing. Knock it off or you're going to give her a complex," but she didn't listen. The snide comments about the size of my clothes when we went shopping, the "I'm concerned about your health" conversations (despite the fact that I played competitive volleyball up to 6 days a week and, for a teenager, ate relatively healthy while my mother starved herself and thought exercise was a four-letter word), the time my father literally dragged me over to our scale and pushed me on while yelling "you are FAT! I don't care what you call it: chubby, overweight, whatever! You're FAT and you need to do something about it! This is why you're the slowest person on your volleyball team!" (I will, unfortunately, remember that for the rest of my life.)

The thing that drove my parents and especially my mother REALLY nuts is that I didn't think I was fat. I loved my body. I loved my curves. I thought I looked fine. I refused to feel bad about my weight. I refused to believe I was unhealthy, because I wasn't. I don't think it was the weight that bothered her - I think it was the fact that I was confident and felt beautiful no matter what, and she's never been able to do that. Of course, the comments did get to me, and I would have nights where I would question my own confidence, stand in front of the mirror, and wonder if I really was, despite everything I thought, too fat/ugly/whatever. I remember one particular night screaming at my mother "you really don't need to make an effort to make me feel like a fat piece of shit - you think I don't look in the mirror every night and tell myself the same thing?!" but in all reality, I managed to hang on to an impressive level of self-esteem the majority of the time. I still have no idea how I did it.

I continued to gain weight throughout college until I weighed about 165-170 and was a size 10ish. I still felt fine, I still felt beautiful, I still didn't want to lose weight, nor did I believe I needed to. I was voluptuous, up to my neck in hot dick, and doing just fine, thankyouverymuch. I was vegan at the time and eating really well. My family's blatant comments to my face stopped (they finally got it through their heads how fucked up it was), but the whispers and the overheard conversations between family members didn't. At that point, they had given up on getting me to lose weight (though they didn't stop talking about it), and I had given up on giving a shit about what they thought about my body.

Well, eventually I went off the hormonal birth control that I had been on for 6 years since I was 16, and in the 3 years that followed, lost about 65 pounds. I now weigh 106 pounds and am a size zero - and I keep losing weight despite the fact that I eat like a goddamned horse and my only physically-tasking activities are sex and walking around NYC. No dieting. No exercise. No explanation other than the fact that, apparently, the hormones in certain forms of birth control REALLY fuck up my metabolism. Let's get one thing straight: I did not "try" to lose this weight. I did not want to lose this weight, but it happened, and it's where I am now. I'm still happy, I still love my body, but if I gained it all back tomorrow, I'd be just as stoked (I'd have awesome tits again!)

So you'd think my family would be ecstatic, right? Their little fatty finally got model-thin! Hell to the no. Now when I go home to California, I'm treated to yet even more endless comments about my weight. "You're too skinny!" "You're wasting away!" "I'm worried about your health!" "You're practically nothing now!" "Psh. Enjoy it while it lasts[snark-eyeroll]" "You must have an eating disorder." "What's your secret?" "I feel like I could just break you in half!" It's not just family - it's friends too. "Aw! Your boobs have gotten so small! They used to be so nice!" "You don't have an ass anymore!" "You looked better heavier." "You should put on weight." "Don't lose any more weight - you're too skinny." "You don't even look like the same person!"

I am so, so, so sick of hearing about my weight, not knowing what to say when people tell me how awesome/awful/hot/sick/whatever I look. I feel self-conscious if my family and I go out to dinner and I'm not particularly hungry - I'll have a huge meal anyway, just to prove that I do, in fact, eat. I find myself repeatedly rehashing my daily habits, what fattening and horrible foods I eat, how I never exercise anymore - as if this is all a good thing! - assuring my family that I'm not trying to be this thin. It's exhausting.

The most infuriating thing is that people just.don't.get. how abjectly aggravating it is to have your body be a constant topic of conversation. Just because NOW they're saying I'm too thin instead of too fat, which is apparently supposed to be a "compliment" (hooray! I fit ridiculous beauty standards through no fault of my own!), doesn't mean that it doesn't insult me or make me uncomfortable. I hate the implications that my weight loss is the result of some secret method I'm keeping from people, because what that is basically saying is that I was unhappy about the way I looked when I was heavy (which I wasn't) and that I've been secretly starving myself for the past 3 years (which I certainly haven't).

Nobody believes me when I say it was the birth control, which is upsetting on a whole other level. Not only do they feel like they have the right to comment on my body, but they also feel like they can dismiss my true experience because they don't want to believe that someone can drop 65 pounds without really trying. I see the skeptical looks in their eyes when I tell them it was simply going off hormones, and know that when I walk away they're going to turn to their friends and say "bullshit - she's puking up dinner as we speak." I feel like I'm screaming in a vacuum.

So how do I deal? I don't let them get away with talking about my body in front of me. I don't necessarily do this in the most constructive way - I'm a big fan of sarcasm and deflection - but I refuse to stand around and grimace while they treat my body like public property. As hard as this may be, have you tried sitting down and actually telling your mother how this all makes you feel? Mothers can be very stubborn and very critical, but they love their daughters and at the end of the day don't want to see them hurt. Sometimes you have to be very blunt and say "the things that you say to me can lead to eating disorders which cause the deaths of thousands of women a year. Is criticizing my weight worth my life? Would you rather a fat daughter or a sick daughter or a dead daughter? A daughter who loves herself and feels beautiful or a daughter who internalizes your negativity and feels horrible." Sucks, but it's reality.

The last time I was home my mom and I had a very in-depth discussion where I explained to her how objectifying, dehumanizing, and disempowering it was to have my body be the first subject of conversation at every family function, and how frustrating it was that, even though it was MY body they were scrutinizing, they had absolutely NO interest in what I had to say about it, no interest in believing I actually am taking care of myself. How it feels when they deconstruct my body for their own amusement while removing my voice. How I would go into the bathroom and cry out of frustration because I was so so so sick of talking about my fucking body, and how I dreaded seeing my family, the very people who were supposed to be my safety zone. I asked her how she would feel if the tables were turned, and she was quizzed about those 10 lbs. she recently put on while on vacation by her mother, grandmother, aunts, uncles, etc. I told her it makes me not want to come home. I told her it's the same discomfort I feel when a strange man on the street comments on my body. And I told her to tell all my relatives to knock it the fuck off or they were going to see me less and less.

I haven't been home since that last conversation, but I'm hoping when I go back for Thanksgiving they get it (if they don't, I WILL go apeshit at the dinner table). My body is none of your business.

My body is none of your business.

And honestly, if you have a heart-to-heart with your mom and she's still doing public-Samhita-criticism-sessions, tact be damned. Haul off and let her have it back. Show her what it feels like to have your family talk shit on you in public.

Oh, and you're beautiful. Fuck 'em.

I also come from a South Asian family of the strict Hindu persuasion. And I often wonder what the obsession is with weight -- I want to peg it on the same modes of appraisal used when arranged marriages were the only option, when daughters needed to be "married off," and so were placed in front of relatives, friends, and matchmakers who judged at will, with minimal concern over self-esteem, in an effort to pair her with her "best possible shot" of a husband.

My mother was on the receiving end in a scenario just like that: in my mother's case, relatives and friends kept telling her she was "too dark," (since white = beauty) "too skinny," etc. You can imagine what that did to her self-confidence. And while one might assume that the remembrance of her own experience would result in better treatment of her daughter, my mother and I didn't get to a point where we could look beyond weight until my junior year in college.

My parents are wonderful people, and their own relationship is not dictated by the same demands on weight and beauty, thankfully. Furthermore, they are considerably less strict than they used to be, which has allowed for a much better relationship between myself and them. We can now talk freely and openly about things I would never have brought up while still living in the house, and my parents respect my independent thought and self-sufficiency. But the weight thing never fully goes away, no matter how successful or accomplished you become, apparently. Right now, I'm in the clear only because I have a gym membership that I actively use, though I know it's in part because I am afraid to let myself take a break. We're at an impasse of sorts -- we just don't talk about weight, good or bad.

It should come as no surprise that Indian women are still -- subconsciously, if not overtly -- held to standards of beauty that directly correlate to her ability to find a respectable, and (presumably) male partner (since breaking heternormativity is still an important and unfinished task in India). Dowry systems, both in India and out of it, may not exist in the same way, but when people get married, a woman is expected to be pleasing to her partner's eye and perform a number of household tasks (including the bearing of children) while retaining said beauty. If you aren't pretty/skinny/add culturally-constructed notion of beauty here, you won't be considered marriageable, and then what good are you?

It's so deeply entrenched, both within mainstream American culture and within the South Asian community, that a large-scale dialogue needs to happen for people to realize that creating a negative body image for someone negates the person he or she may be and relegates them only to the body they inhabit, without providing a way for them to holistically view their body/self as an extension of their character and creativity. I hope people are up to it. My friends, as an example of one strategy, once suggested that the best way to handle the situation might be to forgo "body talk" altogether -- no disparaging comments, but also no body-based compliments (clothes are fine, but nothing about people gaining/losing weight, etc). We didn't put it into full practice, but it seems worth a shot.

And to echo everyone else, I also think you are fantastic, Samhita -- beautiful, intelligent, and honest, and its high time your family placed a premium on those qualities instead.

One coping tip that I share every chance I get is Victoria Secunda's book "When You and Your Mother Can't Be Friends". It's a really great, practical examination of the relationships between daughters and mothers, that examines the pitfalls then offers very practical help with setting limits to allow you to feel comfortable in your relationship with your mother. It would be helpful in drawing boundaries in other relationships too.

The book helped me to get distance from my mother's criticism, so I could recognize that it wasn't about me and never was. It was all about her own insecurity. So, one morning when I was at mom's house and making myself a bowl of oatmeal, mom came into the kitchen, glared at my oatmeal, and harped: "You know what your problem is? You eat too much oatmeal." The criticism was so ludicrous I just bust out laughing! I mean, WTF? Too much oatmeal? What would that even MEAN? From then on out it's been a lot easier to see her jibes as stupid than as worthy of my emotional energy.

I was constantly harassed by my parents about my weight. They are pretty much ordinary, decent people, but holy fucking shit are they mouthpieces for the collective. And completely unaware of it. Understanding that has made it much easier to bear as I can distance myself from it. Same thing with the media and its constant, insane fat hysteria, knuckle-dragging troglodytes who yell shit at me out of pick-up trucks (though that doesn’t happen as much these days), and anyone who assumes they know anything about me based on how I look.

The harassment was oppressive and very painful and finally I just left. Moved 3000 miles across the US to get away from it, from them. And then spent a good 10+ years being soul-sick and depressed from dealing with all the rage and pain and rejection.

Sometimes when I talked to them on the phone my stepfather would say, “Well, I hope you find yourself out there.” Did he think I was too stupid to know what that meant? Find my “thin self,” right? Last time they came to visit they were on good behavior and there wasn’t a hard look or a comment about it, and I thought it was finally finished. Until a few days ago, talking to my mother on the phone, when she suggested I have new carpets laid in my apartment (at my own expense) because “things happen” to the old ones that could be causing “allergies” that are “hurting me”. Hurting me? Does she think I don’t know what she’s talking about?? Hurting me = making me fat. So she’s saying my old carpeting is making me fat. Is that not totally nuts?

And they wonder why I never visit.

My girlfriend and I had completely opposite weight experiences. Before I went vegan and got into weight training and sports, I was definitely on the chubbier side. Like most others I know, I had the insecurities about not being thin enough and even through I'm a freaking art model now I still have days of feeling fat that make me go wtf?

My girlfriend is 5'5" and weighs a little under 100lb. Everyone always teased her about not being curvy enough. She has always felt unattractive for being thin and was jealous of her bigger friends because they had "womanly" hips and breasts.

The irony is painful. But we've gotten to a point where we both think we're hot, so that's fun. 'cause hey, we are.

I just want to comment on the frequent reference in this thread to "home" as the place where one's parents live.

Step one, if you want to get away from your parents' negative influences regarding your body image, is to redefine "home" as your own place; your domain where your own values and world view are the ones that prevail. Home is where YOU live both literally and figuratively, and not the place where your parents raised you.

Maybe you're staying with your parents for now out of financial necessity, but it doesn't sound to me like you're truly "living at home."

Samhita,

I recommend getting into the fat acceptance community, which is essentially the idea that body size is completely separate from a person's worth. And what a great time for it! It's fat talk free week! That means no comments to anyone (even yourself), positive or negative, about body size.

I am a size 12. I have big hips, a big ass and thick, thick legs. I have a great face. I think I'm damn good looking. Not everyone agrees. But they can all suck it, 'cause I'm great, and my body size has nothing to do with who I am as a person. A cultural concept of what's attractive is usually pretty contrived, and it's pointless to try to conform to it. If you think you're great looking, you are. (I agree with you, by the way, I think you're absolutely beautiful!)

It makes me sick that someone as beautiful as you would have negative thoughts about your looks. It makes me angry at your parents and the media and everyone who could have possibly influenced such a notion.

My favorite FA blogs are kateharding.net and bfdblog.com. There are lots of other great ones. I also recommend listening to Joy Nash's fat rant on youtube.

Thank you for writing this. I was teased all through school about having a weight problem. I remember being told I made the table shake and that boys would never like me because I was fat with small boobs. Even my mom would make comments on the clothes I wore saying "you look poured in". I had to get to college to get some self esteem about my body. The breakthrough came when I realized that I could lose all the fat on my tummy, hips, and butt, and when all is said and done, I would still wear a size 14; plus sized.

It's still hard though. All my friends are thin. My closest friend, Katy, is naturally petite and can wear almost anything. Sometimes I look at my roommate in envy at the clothes she wears. The way that accent her curves and everything. My first thought is "I need jeans like that" and then I'm reminded that those jeans don't come in my size, and even if they did I wouldn't look like she does. I'm too fat. *has a downer moment*

Luckily, I'm reminded by people like you and my friends that my weight shouldn't reflect who I am. I'm obviously not a bad person for my weight because I have friends, and I'm not ugly because of my fat because guys find me attractive. All these years, my worst enemy has been me. I was the one saying I'm too fat and ugly. I still do sometimes. But fortunately I know those things can't be true and it helps me get out of the pit I have created for myself.

As of now, my goal is to become more and more active. Not to lose weight mind you, but to keep my heart healthy. There's been a history of heart conditions in my family and I want to make my heart strong. If I lose some weight on the way, that will be an extra bonus. Like icing on the cake! (Irony intended)

I've really been getting a lot out of the blog Junkfood Science which shines a light on all the nonsense that underpins all the diet/obesity headlines we're inundated with. It's teaching me to try to separate the ideas of Fat and Lazy/Bad by showing me just how unscientific that sort of thing is.

Best of luck with figuring out how to manage your relatives.

I can relate with you so much...

the first time my mom ever said anything, well that i really remember, was when I was 16, I think. She poked my sides and said "aren't we getting a little chubby" real cutesy like.

She has proceded to comment throughout my life, even though she knows i have body image issues and she even knows that I went through a period of bulemia. I think she keeps thinking that when I lose weight all my body image issues, and other issues will be solved.

I have started to yell at her when ever she brings it up, or even really asks about what I am doing about my weight, exercise, eating habits, etc. But the last straw was just recently. When I was in my first year of college I was in a bad relationship, going through other emotional stuff, and just general starting college stress. I basically never ate, so I lost 30 pounds, and got down to 125 lb (I'm 5'5"). She always says I looked so good then, even though she also knows that I got that way because i wasn't healthy physically or emotionally. I told her, on that particular day, that all my friends thought I looked sick, and not good like she always says. It made me feel really amazing that my friends recognized that unhealthy weight loss, but all my mom said was "well of course they said you looked sick, just look at them" (they are all larger women). I was so sick to my stomach that I couldn't even say anything back to her... I didn't realize my mom could actually say something so cruel, I don't even think she realized what she said.

Family can be really awful. All of them talk about weight (mostly their own, even though all of them are skinny). I'm just so lucky to have my wonderful friends. While we sometimes talk about weight, we are always positive about it. Recognizing when we look good, joking about how when ever we get together we go out to eat and get way too much spinach artichoke dip, and saying really positive things about working out and working on getting healthy and losing weight, doing buddy system exercise or telling each other about the amazing new exercise we found that makes us feel really good. I don't know where I'd be without them.

So I guess my piece of advise, surround yourself with friends who you can have positive and healthy discussions about weight and weight issues, but also can boost your self esteem and recognize that you are a beautiful person.

Thanks for telling your story.

Several years ago my mom and grandma came to visit me in Chicago. Let's just say that they are both stylish, happenin' ladies and I wasn't then and am not now. I knew their visit would involve logging quite a bit of time in dressing rooms. So I prepared.

Inside of two hours after their landing at O'Hare, we were in Nordstrom's, I was in my skivvies, and my grandmother asked, frustrated because nothing was fitting, if I could stand to lose an ounce. I paused for breath and then I said, calmly, that I had a t-shirt in my purse, purchased for just this moment. I explained that this t-shirt read "Yes, I look this way just to bother you." And I offered--well, threatened--to model it for her.

And that was that, for the duration of the visit, anyway. T-shirt credit to S. Bear Bergman.

Good luck. I feel for everyone here, so very deeply.

It is totally acceptable to be hateful towards fat people and mask it with, "but I am worried about you."

YES. There is an obesity epidemic in American, and yes, it is unhealthy, and yes, we need to address it as a society. But that's different from hate, and I'm sick of the "health" defense being used to justify it.

There are a lot of raw nerves on this post, and I don't want to make them any more irritated by making light of the situation. But could I put things in a different perspective?

Moving home sucks because your parents will always see you as "their little girl," and treat you as such. Unfortunately, parents of adult children cannot reconcile the fact that they as parents are older and possibly have opinions that are wrong, and the fact that their children are _also_ older and now perfectly capable of being in charge of their lives.

Your parents may never change their minds about what they see as "your weight problem." But it may be too late to change their minds in any case. What is more important is what _you_ think.

A tough part of getting older is realizing that your parents are not only ordinary people, they may have views that completely clash with your own and behave in ways that are completely obnoxious. This is the time when you have to separate your love of your parents from whether or not you approve of their behavior. And you don't have to do the latter to love them.

Whoops...correction to last sentence: You don't have to approve their behavior to love them.

I know how you feel... Though I have never even been close to chubby or overweight - my struggle has been that I've always been very thin. It's genetic though (my dad, at this age, was 6' at 115 lbs). I actually work with my mom and she's said some fairly horrible things (same with my father - oddly). One time we were going to be having a customer show up and my mom was like, "Are you going to wear those shorts? I'm afraid my customer will think that you don't get paid enough to eat!" It really hurt, big time. The thing is - just as many people who struggle with weight gain - I just cannot gain weight. Some would say I'm lucky but I'm not, not when I'm thinner than most of those size 0 models and people are constantly accusing me of being anorexic when I've never struggled with my eating habits at all.
Just remember - the reason people pick you apart is cuz they are extremely insecure. I'm not he most secure person in the world BUT I know that most of the time - people are driven to say degrading things about yours, mine and everyone elses body because they are struggling internally about their own. I don't say degrading things about people's bodies - this is how I know I'm probably more secure about my appearences than most (or I just gave up caring - either way).

Weight comments, oh man. I'm a vegetarian and a bit on the 'thin' side, but I've always been so (even before becoming a vegetarian). My parents love to blame my thinness on my vegetarianism. But the truth is I'm totally healthy, according to my doctor. The constant words on my weight are frustrating.
I understand the worry parents feel in all aspects of their children's well-being, but it can be done in a less rude way. It's a delicate situation.

And Samhita, I love your 'damnn, I look good!' way of thinking. It's so right and so beautiful!!

I gained a lot of weight in my last two years of high school and my family was horrible to me. My mom had made comments about me being overweight pretty much since I hit 12 years old, despite the fact that I was not by any standard overweight, and now that I actually was - she had a field day. She'd make comments daily, take away snacks if I was eating them and comment on portion size for dinner, ridicule me and made me feel like a complete embarrassment. My family had always tried to control my eating, telling me to "watch my girlish figure" which my brothers would parrot at me constantly. I mean, it was fucking ridiculous. And the stupidest part was most of it was because I'd been overprescribed psychiatric meds by this stupid doctor they made me go to...ugh!

I've lost the weight, since, and my family is a lot better now. Nobody makes those types of comments to me anymore and nobody restricts what I eat. I think it does have to do with the fact that I'm not "overweight" anymore, but I think they also came to some sort of realization that their previous behavior was really fucked up. At least I hope.

Grrrl, I too am living with my dad and his partner right now. Lorde have mercy. This last Sunday, he was showing me some pics of my very dysfunctional, about to break into pieces family from about 10 years ago. Out of the blue he commented on my weight by saying, "Someone was a little chunky!" The breath was knocked out of me. Yet later, rehashing the scene in my head, i remembered (even though he's never said anything directly about my weight) that when I was younger he would make comments about other women being Big and constantly tell me to eat slower (now i say hell yeah to ladies with voracious appetites!).

I also noticed what went down the other night didn't make me feel self conscious about my body; I was more saddened by my dad's lack of awareness AFTER all these years of feminist 'schooling'-me tirelessly calling him out on sexist, racist shit he says from a place of total white male privilege, stupidity, and ignorance.

AND it's a whole big bowl of wacky complex spaghetti this living at home as an adult thing . I'm realizing how to hold my dad's limitations and sensitivities right alongside my own. As he was putting the pictures away Sunday, the one where I play the chunk came up again. I took it in my hands and reminded him about the crazy pain and transition we were all going thru at that time. I also pointed out it wasn't a great picture of either of us- he too looked heavy and sad. It was an intense moment, but one where we were able to revisit what we've moved thru and offer compassion to ourselves together. Whew. Here's to where acceptance meets feminist communication theory 101.

I just don't understand. I just don't.

Weight is the obsession of the ages in my parents' culture. It consumes people body and soul, particularly the relatives of unmarried young women. European-American social preference for slim women is like a candle next to the raging full-fledged inferno that is my parents' culture's fear of fatness (by analogy, the relatives of my South Asian and Arab friends are about the same level of fat-phobic as my culture).

As a young teen, I cried many nights over the fact that I could walk down the street in New York and receive approving smiles (something I certainly don't rely on now, LOL), yet walking down the street in my parents' country, men and women alike would call out their opinions on my weight.

Imagine. Just imagine.

A 14-year old (or any age, dammit) walks down the street, and EFFING STRANGERS call out to her "Too much rice!" "You love food, don't you?" and "What a consumer!" "Your waist is a good size, but your belly hangs over your belt!"

And this kicker, "DON'T THEY HAVE DIETS IN AMERICA??" ---from a goddamn pharmacist from whom I was buying cough medicine. A service-sector employee I didn't know from Adam.

Relatives you have never meant widen their eyes and express shock: "But your mother was so thin when she was your age--she had 15 marriage proposals by age 15!" "Don't give up on getting a husband!" "Look at all your slim cousins--look at how they control all their portions and watch their figures."

For the record, and not that this should make a damn bit of difference, but for the record: I was maybe a size 14 or 16. Yeah. Not exactly the confined-to-a-bed guest on Dr. Phil or Springer.

My grandma, who's a wonderful woman but who is a product of her culture, once told me, when I was 16, "I suppose it was okay that you were plump when you were younger. But now you are a Mademoiselle and it is time to focus on your figure."

My very close loved ones--parents and g-parents--of course couch it in terms of HEALTH. "It's only because we love you." And the very sad thing is that they really do and they see this as their version of "love." They plead with me, "the Americans don't love their kids--they let them be fat as a sop to their self-esteem. Self-esteem, my elbow! Who cares about such wishy-washiness when being firm and tough could mean the difference between being fat and being slim and lovely?"

I always answer, "Do you honestly believe that the people on the street love me? They don't love me; they don't even know me! Hypocrites."

Them: "It's about your HEALTH, that's all."
Me: Really? So I could become a size 6 and promptly enter a convent?
Them: "Of course not; then you'll be a good size to get married--all the men will want you then."

My mother last month actually tried to THREATEN me to lose weight (I'm NOT grossly overweight, people). When I refused her bribes, she told me
that she would not support my choice of marriage partner and that she would disown me if I did not lose weight within two years.

My sister has actually told me she WANTS to develop an eating disorder that she will be slim enough to meet the standards of our society. She is a gorgeous, round size 12 or so.

WHY some cultures and not others? Why the pathology in some Asian and African countries, but not others (e.g. Roja's point that Iran a few decades ago didn't care about plumpness)?

This is something I really want to research, but it doesn't fit in with my current academic specialty. It might be a few years. And, to be honest, it's too raw and close to home for me to separate my feelings from the research at this time.

It has been the story of my life. I have skipped the last 2 or three family trips to my parents' country for this reason and this reason alone.

I have actually avoided an entire country because I despise the emotional wringer it puts me through.

::: Wipes brow :::

I'm with you all the way, Samhita. Peace, sister, for real.

I can totally relate to that, i'm indian too and for as long as i can remember my parents have nagged me about my weight. Before puberty i was a little chubby, it was mostly baby fat, but my mom would start talking about my favorite relatives (all of whom were single) and say how they were overweight and do you want to end up like them. My brothers tricked me into weighing myself and telling them what i weighed only to have my younger brother walk up and say how my older brother weighed less than i do. Once i went through puberty my weight became more evenly distributed, but my parents became more intense about lecturing me on my weight. Whenever i ate i got the dirty looks, my mom would lecture me about how i need to watch what i eat and how it looks like i'm gaining weight. my dad will point to my stomach fat and say "don't let there be too much of that" or if we're eating "a moment on the lips, forever on the hips" and there was the time my mom forced me to weigh myself this summer because 'i looked like i was gaining weight and needed to know' that was after she found out i was bulimic.

I can totally relate to that, i'm indian too and for as long as i can remember my parents have nagged me about my weight. Before puberty i was a little chubby, it was mostly baby fat, but my mom would start talking about my favorite relatives (all of whom were single) and say how they were overweight and do you want to end up like them. My brothers tricked me into weighing myself and telling them what i weighed only to have my younger brother walk up and say how my older brother weighed less than i do. Once i went through puberty my weight became more evenly distributed, but my parents became more intense about lecturing me on my weight. Whenever i ate i got the dirty looks, my mom would lecture me about how i need to watch what i eat and how it looks like i'm gaining weight. my dad will point to my stomach fat and say "don't let there be too much of that" or if we're eating "a moment on the lips, forever on the hips" and there was the time my mom forced me to weigh myself this summer because 'i looked like i was gaining weight and needed to know' that was after she found out i was bulimic.

Zeeba, I thought your letter to your parents was amazing. It is really too bad you had to write such a thing but it was so well written and truly conveys how these comments come across to those receiving them.

I have a history of anorexia and disordered eating and what helped me deal with putting on the weight I gained during recovery were several things that I am sure you are already doing. I surrounded myself with people, especially women, who had healthy attitudes towards weight and food and didn't make dieting or their bodies the focus of conversation. I also focused on things that I love and am good at (like writing) that are not related to my weight. I reminded myself of strong feminist women who I admire and who partially because of their art (like slam poetry) I consider beautiful. I also constantly think about how I felt when I was skinny overall versus now. At the time I was mentally very unhappy. I was always exhausted, had no energy or time for anything else in my life, felt like a freak, was irritable, etc. For me, now, the challenge I face is to start exercising and perhaps lose a few pounds to get down to my healthiest weight (I'm not what I consider fat now but I don't feel in shape and think I would be better off losing a little weight and gaining some muscle.) To do this in a balanced way for my health without feeling like I am returning to my old mindset or caving to a sexist idea of what a woman should look like is the hardest obstacle that I now face.

Samhita,

I completely understand, I've been going through this with my mom since I was a little child. I've always been the only one in the family who was not model thin; and for my mother, appearances are extremely important. She has always been concerned about the impression I make on others - what would people think of her if she had an overweight daughter?! Living in Germany, where I was one of the heaviest people in my high school class and where everyone seems to live a skinny life, this was exacerbated a lot.

Now, speaking from a medical standpoint, I'm perhaps 5-10 pounds above what my ideal weight should be. To my mom, I'm fat. (Although she'd never use that word, there are plenty of others...) She is constantly telling me what I should or shouldn't eat (Funny how that backfires, I end up eating more out of frustration if she tells me to stop eating); and she loves to tell me that I can't wear certain clothes ('Honey, that's going to make you look like a steamroller').

It took going to college all the way across the Atlantic (I'm in MA now) to get the necessary distance from my mom. Although she still tries to get me to lose weight, she's gotten a lot more careful, because I will defend myself and tell her that it's my body, my decision and she needs to stop making me feel like I'm worthless because of the body I'm in. I've become a lot more comfortable about my body in the past few years, partly, perhaps, because I've stopped reading women's magazines and don't have a TV, but also because I've accepted that if people don't accept who I am - regardless if it's about my body or my mind or my personality - they can't be my friends. And they're the ones missing out.
Also, I've long since recognized that it is my mother and my sister who have the real problem - they are the ones who are continuously obsessed with their weight, with what they eat and how much they exercise, and I feel sorry for them that they can't recognize how beautiful they are and how powerful they can be.

I recently found a quote I really love about women and weight, and I wanted to share it with you:
'"I like it when I weigh more," the six-foot-three-inch volleyball babe Gabrielle Reece told Glamour. "This fear of being big feeds into the general female thing of feeling we should be less--less powerful, less assertive, less demanding, less opinionated, less present.... Why not say instead, `I have a big intellect and bold spirit--and I can kick your ass'?"'

I think she has a point - this whole obsession with being thin or appearing to be thin (wearing corsets etc.) began at a time when women were explicitly marginalized and were constructed as the opposite of the concept of the strong, independent, powerful white man. Whenever I feel like I'm too heavy, or that my body is somehow not good enough, I like to look at that quote and remind myself why I don't want to be skinny, and fit into stereotype the frail, weak woman who is sexually desirable because she needs to be protected. Not saying, of course, that being naturally thin is bad, but rather that being comfortable with yourself makes you a much stronger person - a person who can resist submitting to what sexist society would like us to be, and who can start living on her own terms.

Zeeba,

Do you give me permission to copy your email word for word and give it to my sister to give to our parents? They are hella hard on her and it has messed up her life to no end.

I will tell her to write "Written by Zeeba, a member of Feministing" at the top of it.

It's a marvel of a letter. Concise, short, and piercing straight to the heart.

I consider it a tragedy that so many parents treat their daughters (and sons?) this way. To me it is such an obvious indication that patriarchy is still operational. A woman's desirability to MEN (i.e. husbands and future husbands) is at the heart of much of this concern about our weight. It is so archaic.
My parents never gave me a hard time about my weight, though I do recall a couple inappropriate, hurtful comments here and there from my mom and grandmothers.
My issues with my body really have nothing to do with my parents, happily. I just don't understand how parents could be so superficial and cruel to their own kids, even after they've been schooled about why it's so hurtful.
Rachel, it sounds like you and I have the same body type. I've been asked, by strangers, about my "pregnancy" on numerous occassions (GRRR!). I'd spend all day, every day, in my yoga pants, if I could. :)

i don't know if this weight obsession is a south asian american thing, because my mom is on that wagon too. she used to ask me everyday whether i exercised and she's only stopped now that i'm in med school and there's no time for life.

i don't know if you'll agree with me here, but south asians have a very aryan ideal of beauty (e.g. aishwariya rai), and so they aspire to look as white as possible. my mom even ventured to complain to my relatives about how i'm proud of my curves, like some black women :o - well hell yeah i'm proud, how else am i supposed to feel?!

and all this criticism in the name of concern! i'm not even unhealthy, just very curvy with a tendency to gain weight. it is honestly close to impossible for me to lose weight, esp. when there are other important things to do.

i wish i had some advice for u, but i don't even have advice for myself. it's something i struggle with on a lot of days (my skin problems are much more annoying), and it's going to be a struggle. just think about the difference you're making in Feministing and for feminists in general and remind yourself every once in a while how much you're appreciated. and might i add, you're actually very pretty so forget about some people's ideals of beauty.

i don't know if this weight obsession is a south asian american thing, because my mom is on that wagon too. she used to ask me everyday whether i exercised and she's only stopped now that i'm in med school and there's no time for life.

i don't know if you'll agree with me here, but south asians have a very aryan ideal of beauty (e.g. aishwariya rai), and so they aspire to look as white as possible. my mom even ventured to complain to my relatives about how i'm proud of my curves, like some black women :o - well hell yeah i'm proud, how else am i supposed to feel?!

and all this criticism in the name of concern! i'm not even unhealthy, just very curvy with a tendency to gain weight. it is honestly close to impossible for me to lose weight, esp. when there are other important things to do.

i wish i had some advice for u, but i don't even have advice for myself. it's something i struggle with on a lot of days (my skin problems are much more annoying), and it's going to be a struggle. just think about the difference you're making in Feministing and for feminists in general and remind yourself every once in a while how much you're appreciated. and might i add, you're actually very pretty so forget about some people's ideals of beauty.

This is probably the most dysfunctional way to loose weight, but between moderate crash dieting (also known as midterms) and obsessive exercise, I successfully "hated" myself thin.

Problem is that didn't get rid of my self-image issues. There's no short cut to accepting your weight, even loosing weight won't help because if you're used to condemning yourself no results will be good enough for you.

You have to accept yourself as a whole, with all the unfinished goals and failures and flaws. If you do, you'll realize that people talking about your weight aren't talking about you, they're talking to their own projected insecurities. When it's not weight, people have dozens of ways they see themselves as failures in the eyes of society, and turning that knife on someone else is a perennial sick delight.

The problem is that family members can get their hooks into you better than anyone else, so I don't know what to say, god bless.

I got rid of a lot of self-image issues (still have plenty though). But I mainly became more comfortable with my body in particular (after eating disorders, etc.) after becoming an art model. It was neat, seeing different forms, and seeing them all appreciated...

I've yo-yo'd from 150 to 206 over the five years since I graduated from high school - all while my parents constantly "encouraged" me to lose weight. "You need to lose weight!" they told me. "Just go swimming/do this exercise/eat less!" I always found it somewhat hypocritical, since my parents have always weighed more than me. All the cajoling and "encouragement" in the world couldn't convince me that I needed to lose weight, even though I thought I was fat.

What finally changed things for me was realizing that I really was not physically HEALTHY at 206 pounds. I got tired more easily, I overheated easily and often found myself sweating into my chair at school. It's not about appearance anymore (though the fact that I look good is a bonus), but about the fact that I just plain feel better with 32 pounds off of my body!

Ironically, my parents love that I've dropped the weight while having grave reservations about the method I'm using - nutrisystem. While their food is not the healthiest in terms of possessing preservatives and artificial sweeteners, that isn't why my family disapproves. My parents disapprove because I'm not losing weight "on my own" - that is, I'm using a "helper" method. They love the results, but are very unsupportive about the method.

Anyway. If you (general you) want/need to lose (or gain) weight for whatever reason, it has to be about you. YOUR health, YOUR desire to change the way you look and feel. It can't be about your parents/boyfriend/cat. Conversely, if you're healthy and happy with your body weight as-is, more power to you.

I also grew up with a lot of weight obsession. My mom has always been overweight and bouncing from fad diet to fad diet. I struggled with anorexia in high school for a couple years. For a long time, feeling fat meant feeling worthless. I still occasionally feel that way.

I think the only way to truly get over these kinds of body issues is to redefine what you use to judge your body. I think it's too hard to adopt a completely judgment-free relationship. Some things truly are unhealthy, and I don't mean "healthy" as code for weight.

For me, this has meant going to the gym regularly (and not using the scale when I'm there!). The exercise machines give me this handy little read out about my calories burned, my miles traveled, my time exercised, my heart rate, all sorts of parameters to judge my improving strength and endurance. It takes a lot less time to start seeing positive results than you would think, too.

I'm not working out to lose weight. Indeed, sometimes I gain it because I'm gaining muscle. I'm working out so I can have a healthy, ass-kicking, strong body. A body that won't fail me when I need to run for the bus or take the stairs. Maybe others would rather take a martial arts or dancing class instead of cycling with a magazine. The details don't matter. The point is that you are viewing your body through a positive lens instead of a negative one. Your body becomes something that can help you accomplish things -- jog for 45 minutes without stopping, master a new dance step, whatever -- instead of something that can only fail you. Because in a society where "too thin" is an oxymoron, judging your body by it's weight makes it something you resent, no matter what size you are.

Hey Samhita -

I can definitely relate and it seems the problem is less about your weight and more about your parents.

I have a similar issue when it comes to my mother, and I have a coping mechanism that sometimes works (depending on how loaded the situation is).

I am close to my mother, we are a LOT alike, and I feel fairly fused to her at times. Her disapproval, disappointment, or condescension can be REALLY painful to me.

On the other hand, I have a grandmother (my father's mother) who can be equally thoughtless and hurtful. But since I am a generation removed and not particularly close to my grandmother, I can brush her comments off pretty easily. When she wags her finger at me and says, "No more bread for YOU!" I laugh and say, "You're so mean to me, Grandma." It hurts, but it doesn't cut me to the core. I basically view my grandmother as a separate (and flawed) entity.

Lately, when I feel myself hurt by my mother, I close my eyes and try to think of her in the same way I think of my grandmother: older, reactionary, full of human foibles and misguided thoughts (especially about weight and looks). It's really helped me put some distance between the comment and how it affects me. I try to see my mother objectively, as some goofy old lady. Instead of defensively yelling at her, I inwardly breathe in and just ignore the comment. Like I said, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, but it's helped me put some perspective on my relationship with my parents, at least in a short-term way. Ultimately, I need to be in control of how I feel about my body. I tend to not let magazine covers dictate my self-image, why should I let my mother?

Best of luck working these things out! It's a huge ongoing struggle for me...

Thank you so much for this post. I claim to be a radical feminist and so it makes it very difficult for me to get help with issues that REALLY affect me because then it makes me look weak. I claim to believe in all of the things I espouse in public, but in reality, I am completely driven by the self-hating anorexic-desiring environment I live in. I hate it! And seriously, it takes up so much fucking time and effort to care so damn much about physical appearances. Hearing voices like yours speak out on this issue that drives an unspeakable amount of minutes everyday in my mind is comforting, helpful and inspiring.

@ Samhita

When I saw a pic of you in this blog my first thought was, "she's so pretty...and has lovely curves". I wish your parents could also see the prettiness and the beautiful curves.

I'm glad you wrote a personal blog post. Obviously you've touched a nerve and many, many women can relate, including me. There was something in every comment that I could relate to. My weight has yo-yo'd throughout my life and I know I'm an emotional eater.

I'm so tired of my weight being such an issue for others. I'm tired of fat jokes. I'm tired of people thinking it's ok to insult or laugh at fat people. Why is it they think we lose the ability to feel hurt because we're fat?

@ Zeeba

I had a lump in my throat as I read your letter. It made me want to find you and give you a great big hug.

When I was a child I was often teased by my family about being fat and I believed I was fat. I can't remember a time when weight wasn't an issue for me. As an adult, I looked at photos of me as a child and I was never fat! I had a bit of a pot belly sometimes but for heaven's sake I was a child! Yet the "fatty" lable stuck with me.

I am now the heaviest I've ever been in my life and I'm not happy about that, mostly because I'm also unhealthy and unfit. So I'm making changes to improve my health and fitness but I'm not making weight loss my primary aim. I think I'll always be insecure about my attractiveness and my body but I refuse to sink into self-hatred because of fat-prejudice.

And strangely enough, I've noticed that I always have more lovers when I'm over-weight than when I'm thin.

@ Samhita

When I saw a pic of you in this blog my first thought was, "she's so pretty...and has lovely curves". I wish your parents could also see the prettiness and the beautiful curves.

I'm glad you wrote a personal blog post. Obviously you've touched a nerve and many, many women can relate, including me. There was something in every comment that I could relate to. My weight has yo-yo'd throughout my life and I know I'm an emotional eater.

I'm so tired of my weight being such an issue for others. I'm tired of fat jokes. I'm tired of people thinking it's ok to insult or laugh at fat people. Why is it they think we lose the ability to feel hurt because we're fat?

@ Zeeba

I had a lump in my throat as I read your letter. It made me want to find you and give you a great big hug.

When I was a child I was often teased by my family about being fat and I believed I was fat. I can't remember a time when weight wasn't an issue for me. As an adult, I looked at photos of me as a child and I was never fat! I had a bit of a pot belly sometimes but for heaven's sake I was a child! Yet the "fatty" lable stuck with me.

I am now the heaviest I've ever been in my life and I'm not happy about that, mostly because I'm also unhealthy and unfit. So I'm making changes to improve my health and fitness but I'm not making weight loss my primary aim. I think I'll always be insecure about my attractiveness and my body but I refuse to sink into self-hatred because of fat-prejudice.

And strangely enough, I've noticed that I always have more lovers when I'm over-weight than when I'm thin.

Uh oh. My cousin's wedding is in ten weeks. I need to start preparing myself for the inevitable "oh my you are so fat!" comments My dad told me it's ok for me to tell my relatives to **** off, but I doubt my mum would be too thrilled with my attitude!

I'm hoping my mum's uncle is there, because he told me my weight didn't matter and that the sparkle in my eyes was worth more than being skinny.

I don't know if this will help. I'm male, so there are different body issues.

Rather than focusing on weight per se, I started focusing on what I could do physically and using that as a metric. In fact, it's basically what pro athletes do, which is why Bartolo Colon still can get jobs pitching.

For example, when I moved to London in 2000, I weighed 140. And I am 5' 10'' or so, so I looked like, as one relative put it, "the people from the DP camp" (Gotta love WW II -generation black humor).

Anyhow, I started working out a lot more than I had in the states, largely because I was bored. I got into a muay thai class -- I'd been doing martial arts in the US before -- and the net result was I gained 30-40 pounds in a year. Maybe more. I clock in at 178 now. But I sure as hell didn't get fatter if you know what I mean. (I also met some very nice people).

Several things happened along the way. I had turned 30, so my body-fat percentage started to creep up. My flexibility is down. I put 2 inches on my waist. I quit smoking. I'm near 40 now, so keeping the fat percentage at a reasonable level means I have to exercise more.

But I measure it not by my weight, per se, but whether I can still do certain things. Such as, can I still do 50 pushups? Can I still run a mile in 8 minutes or less? Can I still spar for five three-minute rounds without dropping?

Looked at this way the equation changes. Your weight will be affected by many things that you can't do much about. But your condition is another matter entirely. If you could do, as a 30-year old woman, 50 pushups, 50 situps, and run the mile in 8 minutes, you would be fantastically healthy, but your weight would probably look higher than normal. Muscle weighs more per cubic centimeter than fat.

I teach a karate class now, and when I see people in there who are concerned about their weight I tell them not to worry about it, unless they have diabetes or something, but that's a separate discussion. But basically, it isn't the weight, but where it is.

I'm not saying you should go work out daily, as I don't know your preferences or what your interests are that way (though I would recommend it if you are going to write all day -- I do it to clear my head :-) ). But I am saying if you use a set physical capability as the metric it's probably a lot healthier and gives you something to say to your parents. "Hey, you think I am fat, can YOU do 50?" might be fun.

For the record, I saw your picture, and you don't look overweight to me.

As I said, I don't know if this helps. But it's an offer of a practical way to address legitimate concerns about health -- and there is such a thing as being overweight -- without getting hung up on the scale, which only tells you one of the two or three pieces of information (minimum) that you need. For instance, for health, you need to know:

-- resting heart rate (around 60 is good)
-- fat percentage relative to muscle mass (this will always be higher for a childbearing-age woman than for a man of the same age. For a starting point, an olympic athlete runner has ~4%, and most normal humans have twice to three times that).
-- cholesterol levels
-- blood sugar (that is, are you at risk for diabetes -- ask your doc)
-- endurance -- can you walk X distance (not power-walking, just walking) without getting out of breath. A mile or two is a minimum assuming you are otherwise healthy and don't smoke a lot. You can use pushups also as a measure, as some docs do if a treadmill ain't handy.

Note that weight isn't on this list. I haven't used a scale more than once a month, if that, in years.

I hate to be contrary about some of the comments here, because, really, you're all lovely people to be so supportive.

But, to the people saying "But, you're not fat!" Would it somehow be okay for her parents to talk like that if she were really (what you consider) fat?

It is not okay to trash someone's body, no matter what size it happens to be, because it is THEIR body, not yours, and therefore none of your business. That has nothing to do with whether she is or is not "fat." It has everything to do with the fact that she wants her parents to stop commenting on her body. Which is totally reasonable to ask, by the way.

I truly think it's awful that your parents make hurtful remarks about you. I would never make any such remarks about my daughter. But I'm afraid my empathy is limited because of your specific circumstances. I am genuinely glad that your circumstances enable you, at the age of 30, to quit your job and focus on your writing (which I assume is a passion of yours) while living in a (again, I'm assuming) comfortable or at least tolerable domicile. I wish every 30 year old had that opportunity. But the vast majority do not. So despite the hurtful remarks you must endure, my opinion is that your overall situation is more privileged than not. Best way to not have to put up with those remarks? Find a way to move into your own space.

Very interesting cultural dynamics being spun through the lens of body image here.

Just to contribute my experience:

I dated a girl from Sri Lanka (with VERY strict Hindu parents) two years ago (I'm a white American girl). I was "thin", she was beautifully voluptuous (and sexy as HELL in my eyes), but classed "over-weight" by society's distorted standards. Unfortunately, I have never had, in the past, or since, a relationship which was so very determined by such dynamics. She was often depressed appearance-wise, and though I constantly reiterated my love of her body etc, it did not appear to have any positive effect. The disjunction resulted in some pretty corrosive jealousy issues, many of which seemed to come from the differences of appearance between us etc, and which finally contributed to the relationship's demise.

I have been thinking a lot about this particular event recently and the racial and cultural body problematics which it italicized. While I felt affirmed in the eyes of society (to a certain extent as a slim, "attractive" white woman), this affirmation was denied to her, and thus kept her constantly at war with both herself and me (I'm paraphrasing her own words).

Can two people (especially two lesbian women of different races) ever surmount the crippling racial and gender stereotypes, demarcations and prejudices of society? I hope so, but wonder if anyone else has similar stories, thoughts or strategies?

AND BY THE WAY, Samhita, you're very, very hot. Stay JUST as you are.

Out.

Samhita, it surprised me to hear of your experiences with your family. As a very fat white girl (300+ pounds), I've found that my greatest acceptance has come within the first-generation Indian Hindu community, which is the one place that I have not felt negatively judged for my weight (second-gen, not so much, though). In fact, when I try to explain the pervasiveness of fat prejudice to my Indian friends, I'm often met with disbelief -- they can't believe the harassment I experienced in school, or the fact that I'm generally considered unmarriagable by society ("but...you're so fair and pretty!"), or that I can't buy clothing in most shops, even plus-size ones. Perhaps this reflects my status as a cultural outsider, however, and maybe also the fact that, as a vegan, I'm seen as practicing dietary 'tapasya', lol.
My own experience with my family has generally been good, with a few low-key exceptions. I do wish, however, that my family had pointed out to me when I was younger that I have an almost-identical build/weight to both of my father's sisters, despite differences in diet and lifestyle among us. Genetics much?

Samhita, hang in there, totes.

@ annebella, I feel you so bad. Not only have I heard my whole life that I'm too skinny (not true), but recently I got turned down for figure modeling in the Continuing Ed department at my school because the director said I didn't "have enough curves."

We just can't win. Certainly if we're society's fucked-up definition of "fat" we get more shit about it from more people. But we have to make sure we have enough "curves," too? Be careful not to diverge from our carefully-calculated golden mean!

(And I've also had people ask if I'm anorexic, and I'm not, Jesus, this is seriously my natural weight. Why does anyone have beef with my natural weight? Oh yeah, because I only look good if I match their mold for "sexy.")

I've struggled with my weight since puberty, and since puberty (I'm now 48) my mother has been harassing me about my weight. "You would be such a pretty girl", "You know losing weight would be better for your health", "You're going to die if you don't lose weight", "You need to be thin", every single conversation I had with her since I moved out at 18 had something like that in it. When I was still at home, she sometimes put me on a diet involuntarily, withholding certain foods from me at the table while making them available to the rest of the family, who, of course, ate them. I would sneak candy bars home in my purse and, hiding in my room late at night, devour them.

I finally did lose weight in the last two years. Much of that was also involuntary; I got kidney disease and that led to frequent nausea. There were many times when I couldn't keep anything down. That will make you lose weight, all right, and get dehydrated, too. But lose weight I did, and got down to 130 (I'm nearly 5'7"). I also lost my kidney function and went on peritoneal dialysis, which works via a sugar solution. I have gained 40 pounds in the past 9 months from the sugar in the solution and there seems to be no stopping point. I feel ashamed, and when I look in the mirror, I feel disgust. I didn't overeat, but that's what people are going to think. I didn't quit exercising, but people are going to perceive me as lazy. And worst of all, if I keep getting fatter, I risk my transplant eligibility. So I'm looking at switching dialysis methods as soon as I can to home hemodialysis, which does involve blood and can be dangerous if something goes wrong. But it's either that or keep gaining weight, and that would mean bye-bye transplant.

But I have to admit that a large part of my concern and reason for switching isn't transplant eligibility or something equally pragmatic. It's how I look to and am perceived by others, how I feel about myself, and being able to fit into the clothes I like instead of the "fat clothes" that I still have in my closet and was about to give away before I started dialysis.

At least my mother won't say anything about this weight gain. I already told her what was going on and how it was caused, so she promised not to judge me based on my weight - for once.

Honestly, all of this fat talk is a bit much.

Ego and vanity should move aside.

There are people starving who do not have food.

Is anyone struggling to become a better person on the inside, or just on the outside.

I am shorter than the average woman. People have laughed at my body size for as long as I can remember. Hey, life ain't fair. There will always be people who look at you and criticize you. Did your mom or dad ever tell you that?

Don't look at dumb magazines anymore. These exist because women buy them and then complain about the stuff in them.

Makeup and dieting exists because women buy these things. They don't sell these things to men because men will not have it. They will not support this horseshit with their dollar nor their vote.

No one wants to hear about your body size. Everyone has problems.

Go out into the world and do something good for someone who has a hard life. Volunteer your time. Then talk about how good you feel about yourself.

People grow tired of all this negativity spreading.

Women are nags. They constantly nag about their weight to other women.

Get over yourself.

No one should have to hear this stuff all of the time. We get it okay.

Come to find out, I'm not done yet. You naggers are so busy nagging that you can't see the forest for the trees so I'm here to help.

*You* are the one who is perpetuating the idea that fat is not okay and not good.

*You* go around saying how you feel bad about your body all of the time. And you don't like yourself.

So what you're saying to all young women is that these dumb ads and tv commercials have *worked* on you. And fat equals unhappy. And that's just cool to be unhappy because you are fat.

Go ahead and put down non-fat women by calling yourselves "real women" too. Keep acting as though you are the only person who deserves any respect with regard to your body size.

Uh huh. Your ego is what's so fat. Did you ever notice *THAT*??

And did your mirror also show you how much your negative and jealous personality sucks. You just keep peering into that mirror, hon. This is how women progress upward in a man's world and how world hunger, poverty and disease are cured.

Your parents are probably doing that to you because they think that your weight is affecting your marriage status.
Biased, yes.