i moved in with my boyfriend of four years about three months ago...difficult, at times annoying, but really well worth it if it's something you want to do.
every woman (every person, really) needs their own space & time, and i think this certainly becomes more true when said space is shared.

most people, i think, warned me how much my relationship was going to change and how much more of a lengthy process it would be than i expected (i think pushing a bed frame up two flights of stairs in the oppressive august heat was the most fun). but in all seriousness--have fun with it, don't be afraid to say what you feel, and try to keep things balanced---tips you probably apply to the rest of your life too.

I've been living with my boyfriend for two years and it's been a huge adjustment. We have a really small place too, so there's really no personal space. My best advice would be to make an effort to continue pursuing your individual interests; there will come a time when it seems your always up in each others face and you'll need that outlet to get a little breathing room.

Also, have a firm plan as to who does what around the house. Make a chart if you have to. Seriously.

Dude. relax! I moved in with my bf over a year ago and it's been shockingly easy. Two key guidelines (which work in many contexts): be vocal and be honest. If something bothers you, say it early before you get wound up enough to be upset. Money is a big issue in my relationship (he has a job, i am a student) but it's never been a problem because we sorted things out as soon as the problem was about to emerge.

There may be a slight difference here in that I live in the EU where it's far far more common to cohabit early in a relationship and couples who don't are considered supremely weird (a lot of that has to do with the cost of flats over here I think-it's much more expensive to live alone). Think of it like a roommate with benefits.

You just have to be honest (as much with yourself as with him) when something bugs you and you have to have the presence of mind to own up to it. Truly, it's not that hard.

Me and my feminist man have been living together for a few years now, and I have to say it's both easier and tricker than I expected, though totally worth it. Here's what I know:

1. Balancing and dividing domestic chores requires patience, and trial/error. My guy is totally concientious about whether or not dutie around the house are unfair, always checking to make sure he's not defaulting to "manly way," but that's not enough. Because I'm a little more OCD about cleaning anyway, and I like to things right away rather than later, I still wound up doing more than my part. I would get angry, but I eventually had to realize that I wasn't being totally fair: I had to allow him to do his share on his time in his way, rather than expect he do the dishes and clean the toilet when I wanted. Sometimes that meant letting something stay dirty a day or so longer than I liked, but it's not my place to force my routine and preferences on him. So, give and take, and understanding that you've each got your own groove.

2. Separate laundry baskets. Period. Laundry is rarely mixed because, again, he'd let it sit in the dryer for two days, so I'd end up folding/putting it away to salvage my own clothes. Instead, we just keep those separate. Plus, when he washes my clothes, he cooks them in the dryer.

3. When all else fails, make a list and divide it. Sometimes you just got to.

4. As he works to make sure the domestic stuff is equal, it might become a little too easy for you to let him do more than his share. In my case, my guy's never going to check me on how much I'm doing around here, but (after a couple years), he makes sure that he holds up his end daily, and he's always quick to volunteer to do my share when I'm busy. I eventually found, though, that it's pretty easy to just kick back and let him do too much, which is also unfair. Check yourself from time to time.

5. Do what you do well vs. divide it nonetheless. Sometimes it seems most logical to let each person do what they do best, which is why I always make the bed and fold the towels, and he usually loads the dishwasher. However, there will probably be times when one of you does something better but you don't really enjoy it or want to do it all the time. Ex: Planning the grocery list and meals for the week used to always fall on my shoulders because my guy always had difficulty planning meals and figuring out what all we needed. This, however, became a real burden -- an hour of every Sunday. I eventually started making him responsible for planning half the meals, and now he does it all. (I'm working on my thesis and rarely get a break to breathe.)

6. The key, as I've experienced, it for both people to always appreciate each other's labors. We both say "thank you" to whoever cleans the litterbox or bathtub, puts up the towels, etc. Doing this makes sure that neither of us or our chores ever because default his/hers or unappreciated. Each night, one of us thanks the other for cooking dinner, which makes it feel like a gift to the other one and allows us to appreciate our roles in each other's lives. It may sound silly and formal, but it's not; it's incredibly simple to casually thank each other for what we do for each other, and it makes us feel good about things we have to do anyway, but we're doing them as part of our relationship.

Really, though, expect some frustrations and slip-ups, but try to let them go quickly so that you can calmly figure out a better way.

be honest, be clear, dont get passive aggressive and always, always approach things with an appreciation of what you both bring to the relationship.

expect things to get a bit rocky but never let go of the baseline of trust: if you trust each other and know that your relationship transcends the little things, then you can work through them more objectively. i find not always over thinking things certainly helps.

I totally agree with SC: "be vocal and be honest."

I'm married, but I think the challenges are much the same as with cohabitation.

The number one thing that has helped me sounds obvious, but apparently isn't (if what my friends complain about is any indication): You must be quite clear about what you need.

Don't expect someone else to do something just because it's how *you* would do it. Don't sit around and get pissed about something not getting done if you haven't explicitly described your desire for the thing to get done. "He should just KNOW" or "He should WANT to do this for me without me asking" is a bit unrealistic, in my opinion.

Also, be willing to let go and not keep score. Who does it really benefit if you push your point just so the other person will acknowledge that you are right?

All that said, I don't find it incredibly hard to share a space with my mate. As long as we're both clear about our needs, we're both pretty happy!

Good luck!

1) Play to your strengths.

2) Never go to bed angry or with an argument unfinished.

Worked pretty well for me.

Wow Tara K that's a pretty useful list. Will file that away for if I move in with my gf.

I have been living with my boyfriend for 1 year now...I am 25 and he is 27 and we have been together for 3 years. I was much more nervous about this than he was, mostly b/c of the concerns mentioned above.
Unfortunately I don't know of any helpful books on the subject, but I tried to initiate conversation about division of responsibilities around the house before we moved in. It sounds a bit controling but I thought it was helpful to write out a vague schedule for cooking, cleaning, etc.
Even though my boyfriend doesn't label himself a feminist I consider him to be one...so in a way he was expecting this from me and very open to it.
It's not that we don't ever argue about those things, but it is resolved more easily than if we hadn't ever discussed it before. So far so good!

I've been living with my guy officially for a year (though we "lived" together in college). People kept telling me it would be really different, but maybe we just don't let things bother us b/c it's been pretty smooth.

The tricky issues, as others have mentioned, are maintaining sanity in a small space and dividing responsibilities.

From early on, we developed a routine for chores that we've stuck to (I cook, he does dishes & vice versa, he does laundry & I fold, etc.). When one of us is busy, the other picks up the slack and when we're both busy, we live in filth for a couple of weeks haha. It works for us, so it's just a matter of finding what works for you -- trial and error as Tara K. said.

The small space issue is damn annoying. It gets better, but it will drive you bonkers at first! My guy and I used to go out for walks, runs, or to the gym to relieve stress (separately or together). We also very clearly communicate when we need to be alone or at least in silence.

Overall, don't sweat the small stuff, don't hold grudges, communicate 2-3 times more than you do now, maintain relationships with friends (this will be hard for the first few months), and plan lots of weird, fun things to do together.

GOOD LUCK! HAVE FUN!

My man and I have been dating for 3 years and living together about half that time. And there doesn't seem to be any issue, remotely, about housework. We share the work, we each cook about 50% of the time (that is likely because we're each good at cooking different types of meals). We are definitely in a very egalitarian relationship. So don't stress! You guys will be great, it's a big step, and a great move forward.

And if it's any consolation, almost all the reservations I had about moving in with him are out the window. The only major change in our relationship dynamic is that we are closer than ever. We fight a little more often maybe, but I think we fight productively, and the good times outnumber the bad by a wide margin. He is no longer just my boyfriend, he is now my family.

Tara K, that was great! I especially think the part about expressing appreciation when your partner does work around the house is really important (for any co-living situation, like roommates). I would also repeat what others said about communication: talk about what needs to be done in the house and who is going to do it. Do things together (when I was living with my ex I found laundry folding a lot less of a chore when we did it together, and cooking together was a great partner activity). It was also nice to suddenly see those maintainence household activities as a way of loving my partner instead of just something that had to be done.

You will find that you have different standards for cleanliness. You may also find that you have wildly different bedtimes, which can be annoying when the night owl clambers into the shared bed at 3 a.m., waking up the early bird whose alarm is set for 7. Expect some seriously freaky moments in the first few months, where you may question not only living together but your entire relationship and maybe the value of human partnerships in general - things might get hairy (and I'm not just talking about the shower drain, though it will also probably get hairy).

But! The key is, like folks mention above, communication, and recognizing that moving in together is hard. Think of all the roommate conflicts you've had, and realize how much more intense they would have been if you'd been thinking "I maybe want to live with this person for the rest of my life." Similar conflicts, higher stakes.

I respectfully disagree with the laundry comment. Doing separate loads of laundry is wasteful in terms of water and soap - if you can, either trade off week to week, or if one of you is extremely uptight about washing and folding (*cough* me), divvy up the chores differently. I make all the dinners and my boyfriend does all the dishes and kitchen-cleaning - because I love cooking (am in culinary school) and he loves eating my cooking. I do all the laundry, but he cleans the bathroom and takes out the trash and recycling. We take turns vacuuming and doing other chores.

Once in awhile I get to the point where I think, e.g., the bathroom is too dirty, and I'll ask him to clean it. Ideally I wouldn't have to do that - he'd have the same cleanliness standards I have, or at least they wouldn't differ on such stereotypically gendered lines. But acknowledge that when it comes to those things, the way you're raised comes into play even if you're conscious about it, and I was raised in a household where my mom worked full time AND did all the housework, and he was raised by women who wouldn't involve him in chores (though eventually he insisted, as a teenager).

On the same token, he often asks me to clean up the piles of books, magazines, and other clutter I leave all over the house, because that is my way. It evens out.

One thing though: if you have the space and the money, GET A LARGE BED. Like, a queen-size. You will think a full is fine, but as the months go by it will seem to shrink and your guy will seem to expand in volume, and you will feel like you have 12" of bed space. Especially if there are pets involved, who will want to be in the bed too. Unless you are both under 5'2" and 140 lbs., don't go under queen if you can avoid it. (I am saying this as a 5'8" lady with a 6'2" cohabitating fella and two loving kitties - trust me!)

Living together rules though! That is the conclusion of my looooooong post. My guy and I went straight from living in different cities to moving in together and we definitely had a rocky first few months, but we are so happy with our apartment and our life together. You two will be great!!

Your rhythms may take a while to synchronize, but just be sure you're both honest about how you feel and stay open to communication. Good luck!

One thing I'd warn against is treating your disagreements as if they're gender-equity issues, when they're really just about the two of you. If you try to make your relationship about all men and all women, you're going to have lots of problems.

My spouse leaves wet towels on the floor, and has, as far as I know, never actually replaced a roll of toilet paper in the entire time we've lived together. But I don't sweat it (much) because I remember all the great tradeoffs that make me glad I married her.

Ditto goes for bringing family into things. Two people living together is complicated enough without invoking the spirits of those not present.

In short: You're going to fight, so fight fair, and make up quickly.

You might find _Unmarried To Each Other: The Essential Guide To Living Together As An Unmarried Couple_ by Solot and Miller helpful. Depending on the particulars of your life, it may be a little too serious, since I think it is geared more to people who are choosing to make a deep commitment that is marriage-like (for lack of a better term) in its commitment, but is not a legal marriage. I thought it was a good read but some of it was not appropriate to my situation since we were more Shacking Up and less Making A Quasi-Permanent And Deep Committment To One Another.

A friend liked _A Single Girl's Guide To Living In Sin Without Getting Burned_ before emarking on her cohabitation adventure but I have not read it.

I anti-recommend Michelle Singletary's book _Your Money And Your Man_ which I browsed at the library about the time Shiner moved in and I was in that stage where I read voraciously to try to avery any posible problem. Her advice about cohabitation is basically don't do it or how will you ever get married and live out God's plan. How ever indeed.

My feminist boyfriend and I have been living together for more than a year and we love it. It makes our apartment feel more like a home instead of a place where you live with roommates.

I do most of the finances, because my name is on the bills. We have a joint credit card that we use for all purchases (due to rewards points), but I divide it up every week. Basically, we split ALL food purchases (even if I decide to get a sandwich by myself), all bills, and all grocery store/pharmacy purchases. Anything else (insurance copays, bookstore purchases, etc.) we don't split unless we are buying stuff together. It's just easier to split the entire food bill because it all equals out in the end. He's nice enough to split my student loan bill, but that was not something I assumed he would help out with.

As far as chores go, we have similar cleaning styles. We're both prone to clutter, but we put food away. This is very important: Every Saturday we spend two hours cleaning together. In two hours, you can do a ton of cleaning. And since we're doing it together, there's no resentment because someone is doing more than the other. We try to clean our dishes every night, but every Saturday we get our act together and declutter the apartment.

We don't have a dishwasher or a laundry, so we have to lug our laundry across the street together and we just fold whatever clothes are our own.

Our bed situation is pretty unique. We both have twin beds and frames, so we just put them together and stuffed a bunch of pillows in the crack in the middle. It means we can't cuddle in the middle of the night unless one of us slides over to the other bed, but that's not such a big deal. What it DOES mean is that we get to each have our own comfortable bed while still sleeping together. I have a soft mattress and I sleep on top of the comforter (with quilts on top of me), whereas he has a hard mattress and he sleeps with his sheets and one quilt. Whatever works, I guess! I have a heated mattress and back issues, so more often than not he'll crawl over to my bed in the mornings to cuddle.

The important thing to remember is to work as a team. And doing your chores together, not just splitting them up, is definitely a way to stop yourself from being resentful of one another. Good luck!

I've been living with my partner of 11 years for about...well, 10 years now (my entire adult life, really), and we've developed a few good guidelines that work for us, most of which have already been echoed by other commenters:

I was recently thinking about this exact same thing because once in a while we will have weird relationship moments where I find myself acting like a 1950s housewife and I'm not sure why, and he acts like a typical "dude," and neither of us is sure why. Ah, ingrained patriarchal culture. I wrote about one such moment here: http://lagusta.wordpress.com/2008/06/22/the-feminist-mystique/

-As others have said, BE VOCAL! Don't let things build up that you're annoyed about.

-That said: learn to let some things go. I'm very tidy, my partner is not. Every few months I go crazy because his side of the office is a tidal wave of papers, but I've learned that compromise means that the house can't be the way you want it everywhere, all the time. Everyone needs spaces all to themselves that can look however they want.

-Similarly, I find that sometimes it's hard for me to be OK with the fact that, for example, I have no interest in learning how to change the lawn mower bag attachment. I just let my partner do it, every time. I used to feel unfeminist for things like this, but these days I chalk it up to it being part of the division of labor that exists in every relationship - my partner doesn't know how to caulk, maybe that makes up for it. Yes, once in a while the division of labor will neatly fall into male/female stereotypical categories, and while it's interesting to think about, I have let go of worrying about it.

-And finally: I'll be interested to read any future posts on what this new living situation has taught you and made you think about, Courtney. I was fascinated by the bizarre fact that when my partner and I bought a house together (after already having lived together for 5 years), parts of me assumed his male brain would automatically know how to do things I didn't. I was chagrined to realize that I assumed he would know how to hammer a drywall anchor into the wall, for example, when I didn't know how.

Over time we've learned a lot together, and it's made our relationship better, and it was good to have those assumptions come out and be tested!

And I don't know of any books specifically on cohabitation, but Alternatives to Marriage Project (which you mentioned above) has a great guide on living together as an unmarried couple (I think that might be the title) that is very useful.

That's serendipitous- my guy is coming to stay for two weeks today! I'll have to show him this post when he gets here.

MikeT, S.C., and Tara K, would you please collaborate on the book that is clearly begging to be written? I think you would do a bang-up job!

My guy and I don't live together, but he stays for long periods of time when he visits (long-distance). We communicated so much more easily after I introduced him to the therapeutic-type active listening. "I" statements all the way: when "Will you turn that stupid TV down?" is "I need to finish this project, please turn the TV down", it doesn't breed resentment.

Also... congratulations, Courtney!

I concur with what everyone has said about making lists or dividing up chores and such. Also the big bed bit, because our double sized one is feeling pretty teeny after a couple of years of cohabiting!

I'd like to add:
1. Go grocery shopping together.
I was finding that despite our efforts to balance housework, the mental energy of planning meals and shopping for them was always falling on me.
Our solution was to choose a time every week to shop together, and get input about what the other one would like to eat and stuff.

2. Cook together (if either of you cooks)
It's fun!

Oops, while I was writing that someone mentioned that very book. And I totally echo apb3000's comment about different cleaning standards - we have an unofficial rule that the person with the highest cleaning standards wins, that works for us!

As someone currently co-cohabiting and planning to get married next year, it can get hard. The best thing to do is speak up early, it might feel dorky for each of you to have your "dishes" nights, but it works. We have a SUPER small kitchen and if we don't do the dishes every day it gets out of hand.

Another good tip I can say is that if your cleaning/folding/one of the other million household things, and you know there's something else that needs to be cleaned and he's not doing anything, ask him to, "Hey while I clean the floor could you start the laundry?" Hard to try to come up with an excuse while you're cleaning, especially when you're asking for help. As stated before having a "Cleaning time" where both of you clean the place also works pretty well.

Congratulations!

I just moved in with my feminist (raised by his single-lawyer mom and his much-older sister) boyfriend this year, and he's the BEST ROOMMATE EVER. Right now, our biggest problem is that we want to be at home, together, all the time, and just snuggle on the couch; it's sort of cheesy.

When we first decided to do this, I went a little crazy reading facts about cohabitation, and tango.com (online evil couple-y ladymag), and googling or pestering friends for advice. But we didn't need it. I'd read about couples having to compromise their principles on which way the toilet-paper roll hangs, and knew that those people should not even be dating each other if this was an issue. We knew we were ready to cohabit, and it sounds like you know. As a bonus, we live in a super-liberal city where we could potentially register for an "opposite-sex domestic partnership"!

And here's how things unfolded.

Housekeeping stuff: we got a joint checking account where we direct-deposit exactly the amount of rent each month from our paychecks. The utilities are in my name, but since (feminist and gentleman...sigh!) he insists on always paying when we go to bars or restaurants or movies, I haven't asked him to chip in yet.

He is a much, much better cook than I am (but I bake and he can't!). Our new place has a dishwasher, so division of labor is he cooks every meal for me and I make appreciative yum noises. Every so often I'll buy groceries or make him dinner. We both load or unload the dishwasher when necessary.

The laundry just magically gets done by one or the other of us with no real formal system: everything in one hamper; we have an ex-salsa jar with a slot cut in the lid (like a piggy bank) and all of our accumulated quarters go in there for laundry money.

Um, and it's awesome. I love sitting at the kitchen table doing laptop work while he watches TV in the living room, and ducking in for cuddle-breaks. I love him for always keeping my feet warm and taking such good emotional care of me. It's trecherously un-feminist, but I love bringing him beer (over his protestations of "no, wait! you DON'T have to! There isn't a best girlfriend award, really, I promise!"). We both totally spoil each other.

So really, enjoy it. Don't stress. Things fall into place. Every bit of advice I sought out or solicited was wrong. Or irrelevant.

Congratulations!

I agree with what all these other smart folks are saying about communication and so forth. One point I'd like to add: space is obviously an issue in a one-bedroom, and my/your/our space is especially an issue when one partner moves into the other's home (as opposed to both partners getting a new apartment/house together). I eventually married my feminist boyfriend, who is wonderful, and over the years of dating/marriage we've lived in multiple cities and apartments. Twice, he moved into MY apartment (not a scary story, by the way: those were separated by his going to grad school in another state and me moving for grad school while he was away, not by a disastrous cohabitation-caused breakup); the other times we've selected a home and moved together. We've never fought much, and was never a big deal, but in retrospect it would have been kinder for me to make a greater effort to shift from MY apartment to OURS. My stuff completely filled my one-bedroom and its closets, so his stuff was sort of wedged into corners; the basic setup was as it had been when I lived there alone, with his things 'added' rather than integral (same crap on the walls, same kitchen cabinet set-up, etc.). Poor dude didn't get a real closet until we'd lived together for several years. And, yes, I said "my apartment" for a really, really long time. It was nice for him to get to organize the kitchen and so forth when we did finally move TOGETHER.

My point is that starting from scratch a little with your apartment might help--taking all your crap out of areas that are important to you both and then 'moving in' together, so there's less of a 'my apartment' vibe?

Living with a great partner is GREAT; enjoy!

Thinking about how much money you're saving on rent in NYC usually does it for me. Oh, and all the sex. That helps.

As a woman cohabitating with my female partner for the first time, I'm facing a slightly different set of issues, but the need to reconcile cleaning standards seems pretty universal.

If one of you is moving in with the other (rather than finding a new apartment together), it's really important to make an effort to transform the apartment. While our place still looks a lot like it did before I moved in, my girlfriend was fantastic about making sure my style is reflected throughout.

And that goes for mindset, too--if your guy/girl is leaving dishes in the sink for days on end, it's really tempting to think "Why can't s/he keep my kitchen cleaner?" It's your kitchen now.

Everyone has already said much of what I was going to say but there is one thing that I do not think can be overemphasized.

Being in a relationship is NOT a competition.

I hear of too many people in the world talking about finances, chores, etc. as if their goal is to get the better deal than the other person. All of said people are unhappy in their relationships. Being with someone is about working toward the common goal of both people being happy. If you aren't equally worried about your partner's happiness (or more worried about their happiness) than your own, you have to ask yourself if you love the person and really want to be with them. This isn't a gender, feminism, religion, or any other kind of institutional thing. Just think of it this way, if you have an argument and you "win", what is the other person feeling? Pretty crappy most likely and how is making the person you love feel crappy helping anything? So, my advice is simply to understand that sometimes the ego needs to be put aside for co-habitating to work. I've had to swallow my pride many times but so has my husband and people are always telling us how happy we seem as a couple. We are happy and that is simply because we care more about each other than playing games or getting the upper hand.

After observing my cohabiting friends' relationship go to shit and knowing how hard it was for me to get out of an abusive relationship 4 years ago because I lived with the fucker, I've taken a stand against cohabitation. People need space and who wants to worry about money/bed/stuff/logistics when the relationship sours.

Mind you, I don't tell people what to do, this is just what I've concluded from lived experience.

betty.black, I like to bring my husband his beer too. But he always makes mixed drinks for me, so it evens out.

I agree with everyone above, communication is key. The only thing I can think of to add is to remember that just because you didn't see it getting done doesn't mean it wasn't done. I used to have a big problem with getting mad at my husband because I would think I was the only one who did a particular chore since I never saw him doing it. I finally just asked one day if he ever did; even though I knew he would think I was accusing him of not doing it (and he did), he said that he did and in fact felt like he was the only one who ever did it! So just like you don't expect him to be psychic, remember that you're not psychic either.

As for the division of chores, we always take turns and/or do it together. If I start a load of laundry, we'll hang everything up together (we air-dry most of our clothes to save on electricity) and he'll put the rest in the dryer. We do all the meal planning and grocery shopping together, wash the dishes together, etc. We're very busy people (a home-based business, another job, and school for me - all stuff that keeps us mostly separate) so not only does it seem to get done twice as fast but we also get to spend that time with each other.

There are many good ideas above. I lived with a boyfriend of 4 years for about a year and a half.

Communication is very important, especially when it comes to chores.

However, I strongly disagree with the concept of not going to bed with an argument still in process. This has a potential for causing one partner to give in for the simple fact that they want to go to sleep.

A better way for handling arguements (I found) is outlined in Thich Nhat Hanh's book "Anger" (http://www.amazon.com/Anger-Cooling-Thich-Nhat-Hanh/dp/1573229377 - or wherever you prefer to get your books).

Best of wishes, it's marvelous to live with someone who cares so much for you!

I love all the comments on this one! In fact, the only issue I'd like to re-emphasize is that you both make the effort to recognize what is about the two of you, versus what is about gender conflict within your individual social or familial groups, or gender conflict in general. Whatever agreement you come to as a couple, about whatever topic, that feels equal and loving is for the two of you to decide.

When my partner and I decided to co-habitate, his mother started kicking and screaming. She, correctly fearing I would not fulfill the traditional role of woman, began an onslaught of "suggestions" to "improve" both my relationship with my partner and my relationship with her. This ignited more fights within my partnership than anything else at any other time (and has strained my relationship with his mother).

The opinions of others can be poisonous. You must filter out what is someone else's issue to ensure it does not become your own. Protect your ideals AND protect your love.

I have been married for the past three years and we lived together for a year before that.

I can agree with most of what's up there, and add to the person who said most disagreements are about you and your partner. Nothing / No one else.

I married a woman from a culture that is much more macho, where women's roles are more 'traditional' as well as relationships to family. My mother was the big breadwinner in the house. I was raised in a home where "the personal is political" was like a mantra. My socialist/semi-feminist upbringing was, predictably, unhelpful in dealing with a family that had dealt with a military coup and looked at politics in a very different (and now I realize more concrete) way.

So I learned to worry less about the politics of the relationship and more about making it work for us -- nobody else.

"Free To Be You And Me" made me think about gender roles as a kid. But it was no help at all in getting the dishes done and doesn't alter the fact that my wife refuses to learn to use tools and thinks I should take the initiative on many things. Is she playing into gender roles? Yeah, but nobody's life fits neatly into one's political stances. After all, she's the one who puts food on the table. I'm a househusband since I got laid off.

Making stuff like that a political argument would just ratchet up the tension. Why do that?

I cook most of the time, because I like it. We haven't got a dishwasher, so we do it by hand when the dishes need doing. I don't get on her even though I am more anal about doing the dishes than she is. No point, you know?

A major thing that others here have brought up as well: men are many things but we aren't psychics.

Hinting at something and hoping he'll "get it" -- especially in a small space -- is dishonest and wrong.

It's dishonest because it sets the other person up to fail. If he doesn't "get it" he's by definition failed, and that of course will annoy you. That's a situation where he can't win -- nothing he does will satisfy. That in turn creates resentment because it creates the feeling you've been tricked and that really screws up trust.

So say it early, say it loud, and be absolutely clear. No points for being subtle.

I try to live by the following rule: If I wouldn't like it, don't ever do it to anyone else. Particularly the woman I love.

And be ready for compromise solutions. Don't make everything about the relationship symbolic of whether someone loves you. It usually isn't.

And you won't be able to anticipate every issue. Some things that seem like good solutions at the time aren't. Be ready to renegotiate.

And make the time you have together precious. Say I love you for no good reason :-) Find things to bond over.

Congratulations! You're in for some fun/scary times! I have lived with my partner for over 3 years now. Tara K's list is pretty much how we run our household.

My most significant piece of advice would be to always have an open mind and always be willing to communicate. This is hard on somedays, but soooooo important. Sometimes we have arguments over the littlest things and always in retrospect I realize, if I had just told him how I was feeling last week instead of letting it fester it wouldn't have been that big of a deal.

Some of my partners friends are not so understanding of feminism. So, sometimes when they come over and are driving me up a wall with their ignorance I have a certain look that I will shoot him. He knows that means it's time to go out on the porch or ask them to reconsider what they're saying for my sanity. (I love it that he sticks up for me in those situations and always backs me up when it comes to those discussions with his friends, even if he doesn't agree with me 100% on some of it)I dunno if your partner has un-feminist buddies or friends, but come up with some code word or look, so he'll know to reign them back in.

Overall, I think you'll be surprised to find that it's easier than a lot of people make it out to be. My relationship with my partner has grown in ways I never imagined that it would now that we live together. And we couldn't be happier together. The first year might be rocky....but if you're truly respectful to one another and really listen to each other it should be a beautiful thing. :)

I've lived with my super-feminist husband for the last 8 years and here's what we've learned:

1) For shared meals, the cook never does the dishes.

2) Keep the laundry separate but fold it as a team, usually while watching Rachel Maddow.

3) Some chores are just completely intolerable (mostly pet poo related); rock, paper, scissors works very well to decide who gets those unfavorable jobs.

4) We follow the "if you see a mess, clean it up" rule as best we can, although one or both of us tends to get selective vision some days.

5) Take an hour every weekend to clean the whole joint top to bottom.

6) Sort and clean out the junk once a month: clothes to the DAV, old magazines, etc.

7) Decide who will deal with bills but always discuss how much is in the bank and what the budget needs to be each month. Being honest about the money is key- I made this mistake a lot early in our relationship, buying things and hiding them in the closet, then he'd find them and do the same and then we were inexplicably broke. lol.

8) Talk! Talk about your expectations, talk about the chores you hate, ask for help instead of expecting him to jump up and vacuum. Talking solves problems before they even have a chance to become problems.

That said, 8 years later, sometimes dishes still pile up, sometimes clean laundry still lingers in the baskets, sometimes we go to bed grumpy because we're simply too tired to hash it out and with two kids and three dogs, the house is in some level of disarray most days. But we're still standing and we make the choice to love each other every day. Sometimes that's all anyone can do.

Hope that helps in some way.

The main three things that help me maintain a happy domestic cohabitation:

1. THANK EACH OTHER for everything. Every dish washed, every pot of tea prepared. If you are making sandwiches and bring them a sandwich, there should be a verbal expression of appreciation. Behave the opposite of "taking someone for granted"; it shows you understand the work they do.

2. DO DOMESTIC WORK TOGETHER OR SIMULTANEOUSLY. I will generally prepare dinner while he washes the previous night's dishes; or I dry while he washes. If we're having "cleaning time" one of us will clean the bathroom or kitchen while the other tidies the living room. That way there's no "He's on the computer while I'm working!" "I put in so much more time cleaning than she does!"

3. BE EXPLICIT ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT. If you have different cleaning standards, or don't think a task is "done", SAY SO.

I would add a fourth:

4. Certain tasks are individual; the individual should do them. If you help them fold their clothes and put them away, that deserves extra appreciation.

I try to practice emotional alchemy a lot. Rather than being annoyed at having to replace the toilet paper, I get amused that a brilliant and capable woman has trouble with such a simple task, and I consider a chance to do something nice for her.

That's really my biggest advice for living with another person. If something they do bugs you, let them know when it only bugs you a little. If they don't change, then you have to decide if it's a dealbreaker, and if it's not, find a way to love that thing about them, or else you're going to lose your mind.

I think the hardest part of co-habitation is finding the balance between "mine" and "ours". My partner & I are just at the end of year 1 sharing an apartment with very little issues to speak of. Though 99% of things are "ours" together (the food, the space, the bills) it's very important to have some level of privacy that is still very much just yours. These are things you need to establish right away, or the first time they are brought up.

For instance: I am an artist. I once left a sketch book out and my partner looked through it. It seems harmless enough, but I think someone looking through unrefined brain droppings is akin to being caught with my pants down. But once I explained that to him, he understood. So now it's not a problem.

We are extremely intimate use-the-toilet-with-the-door-open people, but we still maintain a sense of ourselves. You'll catch on pretty quickly to your partner's habits, likes/dislikes, pet peeves. As long as you listen and pay attention (and your partner does the same) you should be fine.

Other tips:

-Don't let things stew. If you have something to say, don't wait. Say it now or it will come out inappropriately later. And always, always talk about each other's day.

-Share chores and try to do as many together as possible to increase the sense of a family in what you're doing, such as laundry, food shopping, cleaning, etc.

-Even though your place may be small, try to separate from time to time and do your own thing (someone reading the bedroom while the other watches TV in the living room). And don't feel like you always have to go out and do things together. If my partner wants to go see a movie I don't want to see, I tell him to go with his friends. I am seeing Ani in November by myself. It encourages separate identities, and your partner won't resent being dragged to things. Also, while one is out, the other gets run of an empty apartment! Then when you're both at home, you'll appreciate each other more so.

-Get household bills put in both of your names. Even if only one of you handles the money, you should feel jointly responsible. Also, get a joint checking & savings IN ADDITION to separate ones. Every paycheck, each of you should put some in the joint accounts so household things can be paid with "our" money and things stay equal. The savings account will be handy when you need new appliances and the like.

-And for all renters in general, I highly recommend renter's insurance!!

Don't sweat it though. If you're compatible and love each other, the big issues should be few and far between and the little issues are easy to iron out.

My now-husband and I lived together for two years before we got married. Here are a few of my suggestions:

Make your space our space:I found it to be a difficult adjustment moving in together at first, but not because of him. I'd been independent for about six years before we met and when I moved into his house, I felt like it wasn't yet mine. We opted to go with much of his furniture since mine was beat up and it just didn't feel like home. It began to feel more like my own space after we went out and bought things together and redecorated some of the rooms.

Household Chores: When I first moved in with my hubby, I had dropped down to a part-time job so to finish up my degree. Because I worked less hours than him, I opted to do most of the household chores and he paid most of the bills. When I went back to full-time, we split the chores fairly evenly between us and based our household expenses on a percentage of our take-home pay. And when I say split the chores, I don't mean that we drew a line down the center. I don't mind cleaning the toilet, but I hate doing dishes or the dishwasher, so he does that. I brought the cats into the relationship, so I clean the kitty boxes and he vacuums and sweeps the floors. I'd rather do the laundry (most of it is mine anyway) and he makes sure our cars get their regular tune-ups and maintenance, etc...

Bills & Expenses: I have ADD and have never been great at paying monthly bills. My husband, on the other hand, is awesome at this. Seriously, his credit is damn near perfect. We still maintain separate bank accounts at totally different banks, and I write him a check each month to cover my part of expenses. We have one joint credit card together. While we consult each other on major purchases, we trust each others' judgments on what we choose to buy otherwise. I highly recommend maintaining separate accounts and creating one joint account in which both contribute.

Mealtimes: Neither of us really know how to cook, but on nights I have to read a book for class or work late, he'll cook the few recipes he's learned to do really well. Other nights I cook or we cook together. In the beginning, it was kind of difficult deciding what to eat. I felt like we had to eat the same meal, which is difficult because our diets are very different. We're both vegetarian, but he doesn't like green vegetables, while I try to stick to a mostly plant-based, low-glycemic diet. So now, we still cook together, but sometimes we cook different things. If we get a lot of groceries, we usually shop together, but if we need just a few things, I'm usually the one to get them. He hates crowds, while I work at home and need to know there are still people in the world, so it works for us.

Personal Space:It's so, so important to try and maintain separate spaces and interests even while living together or you will drive each other insane. He has his workroom downstairs and I have my garden outside. I do things with my sister and he'll go play with his jazz musician friends. I like to be active outdoors and he likes to veg and play video games, etc...

Pick your battles: I'm the kind of person who wants the house to be company-ready at all times, while my husband comes from a more relaxed family who don't care about a cluttered house. So, it's kind of a balancing act between me relaxing my standards somewhat and him respecting my needs.

Don't get too comfortable: By this, I echo Tara K. above. We still say "thank you" when the other has done something thoughtful or even a regular chore. If I need something done, I don't demand it, I ask politely. If I want to invite people over, I generally clear it with him first and vice versa.

Pets: Not to be a downer, but not every relationship is meant to be. If you happen to get a pet together, you need to be clear at the onset of how ownership of that pet will be decided in the case you two should split up.

The hubby and I have had very few problems co-habitating together overall. Although our decision to move in together just a month after meeting probably appeared rash and impulsive to others, we've never regretted it. Best of luck to you both!

If you feel yourself starting to do something you hate - like, if you're picking up after him, throwing away trash that's left on the counter right next to the trash - stop doing it. You'll feel yourself reaching for it (because why is it there?) to throw it away, but you'll know it's not yours, you didn't leave it there, and you've already done the same thing six times this week.

Leave it there. Never touch it. See how long it stays.

This is just an example. The whole living together thing is a learning process, and both men and women will find ways to unintentionally take advantage of one another (or be taken advantage of). When you notice it happening, voice your issues or discuss changes.

there's no easy "this'll work!" guideline.

Have fun! It's like a neverending sleepover.

(Alone time will come naturally, btw. You'll go for a walk when you want time alone, or he will...there's little good worrying ahead of time will do, particularly because things just seem to work themselves out pretty naturally.)

I believe it is the little things that really get on couples nerves and can cause unnecessary rifts. It is easy to keep me happy just follow the rules below.

1.Privacy. Knock before you walk into the bathroom or better yet, wait until I come out!

2. Privacy. Don't go in my purse! or cell phone, emails w/o my permission!

3. Respect others belongings. If you use my tweezers or nail clippers put the shit back!

4. Courtesy. Please do not leave a gulp of orange juice or milk in the frig.

I know you said you'll have a small apartment, but if at all possible, try to keep the desk/computer out of the bedroom. That way, if you have different bedtimes, the early sleeper isn't resentful about being kept awake, and the one who needs to get work done or whatever doesn't feel so hampered. If it's in the living room with a TV, get a folding screen and noise-canceling headphones to minimize distractions and create some privacy.

Also, the person who does not do the dishes has minimal rights to be angry when they are not put away in exactly the correct location. I've lived with my boyfriend for over 2 years now, and I'm still working on this one.

I've been living with my boyfriend of two and a half years for the last four months and there was lot posted above that was really helpful. I especially appreciate the tips about not bringing gender into it.

I don't have a lot to add, since we're still figuring things out, but the title of this post reminds me that whenever my boyfriend gets home he dramatically yells "Honey, I'm home" in his best Leave It to Beaver impression. Our apartment is small too, so I can pretty much see the front door from anywhere in the apartment--but it makes me smile every time he does it and that's not a bad way to start our evenings together.

My boyfriend of three years and I have been living together for a year and a few months now.

Its been awesome and can be very difficult. Our biggest issue was money. We share the grocery bill, rent, utilities, going out, etc.
The difficult thing is HOW to share. We decided that if we split things 50-50, one person would be at a disadvantage. For instance, if I bring in a couple of grand a month, and he's just scraping by, splitting all that in half would mean that he never gets to save. If I bring in 60% of the income, I should pay 60% of the bills. This means that doing the finances is more complicated, but I really feel it is more fair.

I cook, he cleans, and when we got a dishwasher, he picked up laundry as well, because I would cook for an hour and he'd only need 15 minutes to clean up. Speaking of laundry, I fold my own clothes, he does his- mostly because I have SO MUCH more clothes than he does.

And we don't go to bed angry or having hurt the other person. Because sleeping next to someone you're pissed at is just creepy.

OH! DATE NIGHT!!! That has single-handedly saved our relationship from ruin during the first part of moving in together. Pick a day, and if you have a schedule that keeps changing, compare schedules and get a night in a week just for the two of you, where you're not working on house stuff and go out. Remind each other what it is that you like about the other- because after OCD and snoring and dirty tissues, you might forget for a bit.

For myself, what's worked has been we make a list and then decide what we're good at and what's fair. Generally one takes laundry for a daily task and one takes dishes. The other rooms are a weekly task, and gets split even. Also if one of us is home more or makes drastically less money, we split the chores to make it easier for the breadwinner to get their work done.
An example would be when I was making way more, so he took over the majority of the chores and I picked the ones that would fit better with my work schedule.

first and foremost i would hope that you are both taking equal time/energy/thought about this issue. women as a group spend a lot more time stressing, thinking about, and doing household chores on average. i think that's incredibly unfair and unjust considering what other amazing things that we are talented at and interested in doing with that valuable time. after all, time is something we can't get back, nor is energy. make sure your partner is carrying the burden as well...because if he is, then i think that you both will start to feel that it's something y'all both are equally supported in and that you both have eachother's own needs/wants as priorities and your best interests at heart.

so, my thinking is if y'all haven't already had a conversation about your/his concerns then it is definitely critical for that to happen. communication lines about ALL issues must be wide open. resistance to talking about important issues cannot really be tolerated, both of you should be open to really HEARING and WALKING WITH each other on this...even if you don't completely understand. compassion is key on both ends...if that's not happening then i think you might have to reassess where all this is going. however, if it shows up then i think you'll have validation that this is the right relationship for you.

If you want some research done on "the second shift" here's a great summary of Arlie Hochschild's article: http://www.unc.edu/~kleinman/handouts/K.%20on%20Second%20Shift.pdf

there's also the "third shift" which is the emotional burden women carry to take care of their relationship with men/family/children/etc. that too is unfair which i think might be some of what you're experiencing right now if your partner hasn't chimed in with wanting to be supportive of this move and the responsibilities that come with it. if you are both open minded, thoughtful, compassionate and action-oriented i think this should be much less stressful and more fun for both of you.

:) i wish you all the best in your feminist endeavors!

for me, the biggest issue when i was cohabitating was space and noise. i sometimes really need quiet, and with the TV, stereo, friends, animals, blah blah blah, it was sometimes difficult to find a quiet, alone space. so my advice is to leave when you feel you need that alone time (aka, get out of the one-bedroom apartment!)....go drive for an hour or so, or go get a cup of coffee and read a book, or go walk around target. (yes, i love the shoe department. but i also brought to the relationship a drill, a dremel, and a huge toolbox. yes, in the division of labor, i usually get "assembling the ikea furniture".)

i concur with the poster above who said *i'm paraphrasing) to make sure before you get upset to remember that most of the time, the issues you'll have aren't man/woman issues, but courtney/boyfriend issues. you have enough to worry about without thinking about how every shirt you iron makes the sisterhood cry, yanno?

and, of course....relaaaaax, have fun, get laid often, and remember, this is supposed to be joyous and enriching, not hairpulling!

Great thread with tons of interesting stuff.

I've been co-habiting with my partner for 19 years now (20 coming up!) and I'm still totally happy and in love. So here's my tips on co-habiting.

1) Don't compare you and your partner's needs or wants to anyone else's. If you and he both need space at night and want separate beds, or something else, don't let anyone else convince you this is a sign your relationship is in trouble. Or if you both spend 20 hours out of every day curled up in bed, don't let anyone tell you are too clingy. If you and he are truly of one mind on certain issues then it will work for you. Don't compare yourselves to some media driven ideal. This goes for personal space/time together or apart/monogamy vs polyamory or whatever.

2) Equality does not mean everything exactly the same. Two people, especially those raised with expectations of opposite genders, have different strengths and weaknesses. The key to working as a partnership is to trade jobs you hate for jobs you hate marginally less. Do respect historical feminist baggage attached to the "mowing = male" chores vs "dusting = female" chores. But don't be locked in by them. If laundry ends of being marginally less hateful than mowing then don't stress yourself out by feeling resentful about doing laundry. They key is to make sure that you are both doing the work of the relationship equally. Here's the really big part! Don't forget the emotional and social work of the relationship. A few years back, totally stressful years, my partner was feeling resentful that when I got really stressed, I ignored our finances and he ended up paying the bills. But we talked it through and when he expressed his resentment about it I realized that I also felt resentful, because when he got stressed out he stopped talking about his feelings, and I spent a lot of energy caretaking and getting him to process and help himself. We realized that both things were work that contributed to the relationship and things felt more equal. he still does his best to take responsibility for his own feelings 90% of the time, and I try to pay the bills and not slack. But we can stop feeling so resentful about it. Value everything! And I totally agree with above poster, thank your partner every day for everything. (and expect the same :)

3) Set up a process where you can talk honestly about what things are must-haves and what things you are willing to compromise on. Don't play games or try to win arguments. That way when you get to your core values you will know what is really needed for your self respect, and what is just the difficult but needed give and take of the relationship. So many times women in abusive relationships defend their co-dependence to themselves by saying they need to sacrifice to keep their partner. So many of us feminists feel a lot of antipathy towards any signs of weakness or giving in, fearing that we are disrespecting ourselves or crossing a line into co-dependence. Its really good that we fight for ourselves and our self-respect. But it makes it more important that we be honest and self aware about which things are important to us and which things can be compromised without losing self-respect. because co-habitation does need a lot of partnership and working together.

All that being said, congrats on having a wonderful partner you are excited about moving in with! Being in love rocks!

--i make sure to say thanks for little things. and if I think he should say thanks for something I've done, I'm not afraid to call attention to it, "Babe, wasn't that sweet of me to ___". Otherwise you may get bitter.
--if you're mad, try writing what you want to say down on paper first
--point out grievances when you're both in a good mood
--eating out once a week is good if you can afford it
--we help each other do laundry b/c we're on about the same page with how we think it should be done. we also take turns paying for wash/dry
--we're from different economic backgrounds so he ends up paying for a little bit more of the expenses. but that just drives me in my education -- i hope one day i could make more money than him so I can repay him for all of the times he's picked up the tab or used his car instead of mine. **Equal pay isn't always selfish! It helps men in the long run too!**

Open a joint checking account that all household expenses get paid out of. After you figure your your joint expenses, each of you agree to deposit a set amount each month. For my partner and I we both deposited a percentage of the total amount needed determined by our relative incomes: when I earned more, I paid more, when he earned more he paid more. That seemed fair and equitable to us. That way all household expenses are transparent, you have joint responsibility, but you also maintain financial autonomy. Nothing poisons the well faster than money issues, especially if one person feels burdened or overwhelmed.

Congratulations on taking this step!

Although I'm not quite at the point in my relationship as you are in yours--I worry about this too. I think about what it would be like to live with him...would I become my mother?

Anyway, keep posting. I wanna hear how it goes.

grumpgirl.blogspot.com

Other than the general relationship advice – communicate often and honestly, love and appreciate each other, learn to compromise, etc – all of the suggestions are personal to those relationships and may not apply to yours. You and your b/f will have to figure out what’s best for you because no one knows your relationship better. There is only one recommendation up there I would say you definitely need to know.
Heed this well:

if you have the space and the money, GET A LARGE BED. Like, a queen-size.

Seriously, get at least a queen size bed, especially if you are pet people. Having two adults and one or two animals on a full bed makes for a restless night (particularly if the two adults are over 6’ and the two dogs weigh 50lbs each!).

I wish you both lots of happiness together. Good luck!

I have lived with my partner for nearly 3 years and the first 6 months were extremely difficult. Neither of us had lived with another person for several years and the acclimation was fairly slow. The most important thing to remember is to try to keep the "roommate" issues and the "relationship" issues separate. For instance, if your partner leaves dishes in the sink, it could mean that s/he's a) busy b) lazy or c) planning to do them later. You should not assume that s/he left them there for you to do, because s/he's a sexist asshole who wants to take advantage of you. Breathe, think, and approach the problem realistically.

Also, since my man and I have very independent lives, I found it hard at the beginning to make the time to see him. I assumed that since we were living together, I'd see him all the time. Wrong. We still had to set up dates and walk through our schedules. You need to prioritize the relationship in a way that initially made me very uncomfortable.

Well, all of these comments are great. I've been living with my boyfriend for a couple of years now. In fact, we lived together for a year as roommates and friends before we started dating, and when we did start dating, we decided that a one bedroom apartment would suit our needs just fine.

I would especially like to comment on this one: "make sure before you get upset to remember that most of the time, the issues you'll have aren't man/woman issues, but courtney/boyfriend issues."

Considering the wonderful feminist that you are, I assume that you've been able to find a wonderful feminist man to share your time with. My boyfriend is also a feminist, and I think that, in my experiences, it is so important to remember that our boyfriends are not the ignorant men that we study - the ones that perpetuate the permissive environment that allows for sexual exploitation, inequalities, abuse, and the like. If they were a part of Guyland, odds are, we would not be in relationships with them in the first place. What I'm saying, I think, is that it's almost a subconscious thing to do, to take your feminist frustrations out on the nearest penis possessor, but just keep in mind that he probably wants to understand you as much as you want to understand him, gendered stereotypes and assumptions aside.

I hope this was helpful.

Wow, folks have covered most of it, it looks like. Double points for chore lists and big beds.

One thing I have to add: don't let other people's opinions get in the way of what works for you and your guy. For example, my fiancee (and cohabitator of 3 years) decided a long time ago that we would generally buy groceries and cook separately. My family took this as a sign that we weren't really that serious about each other. For us, though, it really works. My guys likes 10-minute boxed meals with frozen veggies, I like lots of fresh produce and slow-cooked sauses. Shopping and cooking separately solved a LOT of problems. And now we're engaged, and plan on continuing our separate food worlds after married.

The other big challenge for me was the fact that we, also, live in a 1-bedroom. If you wake up at different times, the earlier waker might think about setting out clothes the night before. I used to feel so guilty about turning on the light to pick out my outfit, and then feel angry that I had to feel guilty about using my own bedroom. Definitely worth talking about and working out a system.

Also (and this is one we still have trouble with), if you can have an agreement that you will act like respectful roommates who aren't really friends while you're fighting, it works out a lot better than, say, purposely putting on the one tv show your partner hates, or making a lot of excess noise, or pretending the other person doesn't exsist. Fights in small spaces -- look out! There's no getting away...

And remember it's not necessarily over if the first two months suck. After 2 months, my guy and I were both thinking "good god this was a mistake and how in the world am I going to get out of this lease?" And then we got used to each other, and it was super duper.

Good luck, and congrats!

I live with both my boyfriend and another male room mate: I wasn't sure I would be okay with just the two of us due to me being highly independent and having slightly erratic behavior.

Its interesting being the only girl with two boys, and there are a few things I have learned.

1) Chores should not become an issue for a Feminist Manifesto. I clean more than is technically fair, but I have drastically different standards. I don't think its fair to make others follow them. That being said, if a cleaning issue gets out of hand, I speak up fast. Split the chores in a way that works for the both of you, and if that is similar to gender roles, don't sweat it too much.

2) Figure out how finances are going to work before you move in together. Think about how it would change in an emergency situation. Due to red tape, I couldn't get a student loan so my boyfriend is paying more than his share and its caused a fair amount of tension (mainly because it makes me uncomfortable).

3) Argue in a way that works for you. The one universal truth of living together is you will argue more often than before, especially at first.

Figure out what works for both of you when there is a problem- especially around the whole going to bed angry issue. Lots of people say you should resolve fights before bed, but when I'm tired, I'm not thinking clearly. Its best for me to deal with it the morning. I often find that by the time we wake up, we no longer view it as a problem.

Every relationship is different, don't over think it and it will flow on its own.

good luck

I've been married for seven years now, and we were living together for two or three years before that. It can work.

There's a lot of excellent advice here, especially regarding chores and communication. There are only a few additions I can make there:

Chore Wars provides a good, customizable system for tracking who does what and how often, and it keeps the tone light.

Say "I love you" to each other before you go to sleep.

One thing that hasn't been covered is sex in long-term cohabitation.

- Each of you should have one good sex toy. (Well, this is less important for guys, but still a good idea.) After all, there are going to be times when one of you is in the mood and the other isn't. Touching your partner while they're masturbating is a good idea, too.

- Make a practice of affectionately touching or even playfully groping each other without necessarily making it an intro to or request for sex. Physical contact should be relaxing and fun; if it leads to other things, great, but if it doesn't, it's still good.

Balance is always a big thing. It definitely took trial and error (and food poisoning), but we worked out what we feel is a pretty good balance.

I cook, he cleans up after cooking *points to the food poisoning comment to explain this one*

I clean the bathroom in general, he cleans the litter box. Some have said 'oh, he has less work here' but we have three cats and I absolutely HATE cleaning litter boxes. So while it may take me a bit more time to clean the bathroom, in my opinion I still come out ahead (and he thinks he comes out ahead).

He cleans up general messes (we have a tendency over the week while at work/in school to just toss anything we bring in the house other than food on the sofa or in the living room, so it gets messy pretty quick) and I vacuum. Kinda like the last one, I hate picking things up and he hates to vacuum.

As far as laundry goes, he will carry the laundry into the laundromat for me, sit there and keep me company while I wash, dry and fold, and then he carries it out. As much as he has honestly tried, him and laundry don't mix. And being I can't do a lot of lifting (back injuries on my end, same reason why he most of the time takes the trash out), it works out just fine. Besides, we get into some of the best debates sitting and waiting for the laundry.

There are things (even after living together 6+ years) that still haven't worked themselves out. Mopping and washing windows are the two biggest. We don't really fight over who should do it (though maybe we should, then it might actually get done lol), it just ends that whoever gets more annoyed at the state of cleanliness of it first does it.

Finances I generally take care of. He self-admits that he couldn't balance our own budget if he tried and it really comes pretty simply to me, so no biggie there.

That's pretty much how we split things in a nutshell. Lol. Hope it helps some. :)

What pharmacopaeia said. And be sure to go camping together first.

My boyfriend is by far the easiest person I've ever lived with. I've had pretty great roommates in the past but there were always some issues that created tension. My partner and I communicate amazingly and it's such a relief to be able to just air frustrations knowing the other person will not be defensive. That reaction only leads to the other party holding on to things until they become resentful and it blows up. I have another roommate who certainly isn't perfect (he's still learning a thing or two about living on his own) but he's amazingly receptive to requests, etc. Living with two people who I can easily communicate with has been the most stress-free living environment I've had.

Another important part of communication beyond dropping the hostility and defensiveness is to check in with your partner on occasion. Just make sure are satisfied with how things are going. It gives the other party a chance to bring up concerns that normally might only come out in anger. And SAY THANK YOU for everything. Seriously. It's easy to take your partner for granted while cohabiting, it lets them know they are appreciated.

I moved in with my bf of a year-and-a-half in late August. Before we made the decision for me to move in, we talked about it for about 6 months addressing issues like "I think your brother lacks respect for women" and "I'm concerned that if you move in with me you wouldn't be able to move out if we broke up". It got pretty intense at times, but I think we agree it was worth the wait.

As for domesticity... we kinda had that worked out before I even moved in. Since I can't stand to see dishes in the sink, I take care of loading and unloading the dishwasher. He takes care of the trash and recycling -- and since we have a maid service that comes every couple of weeks, I'm not left holding the cleaning-the-bathroom-and-mopping-the-hardwood-floors bag. If you can afford a cleaning service, it's so worth it.

Laundry is kind of a "meh whatever" deal -- I'll take care of a couple loads on the weekend, fold mine and put it away, and leave his sitting on his desk chair... he'll eventually take care of it (though, I find it ironic that he's under the impression that I don't put things away when he can't be bothered to put his underwear in a drawer or touch the dishes in the dishwasher...).

So far, I'm pretty sure the success in our relationship has revolved around having a sense of humor about things, and making sure we can really talk about anything. We've even laid in bed talking about the people who had hit on us that day, acknowledging that the hitter was actually kinda hot. Plus, he's all about the feminism -- and yeah, I cook for him, but that's because I get home earlier than he does and like to make dinner for myself too. **must not think about food...**

"...he cleans the litter box. Some have said 'oh, he has less work here' but we have three cats and I absolutely HATE cleaning litter boxes."

OMG yes. We tried Tara K.'s recommendation about separate laundry for years, and just recently I said, "I'll take over all the laundry, you deal with kitty messes." We have four cats, and neither of us is under the impression he's getting off lightly. But while he forgets to do his laundry in the first place, then forgets it's in the machine, etc., etc., I rather like a chore which involves taking frequent breaks and the smell of clean clothing, while I tend to put off anything to do with the litterbox; on the other hand, he figures that while cleaning the litterbox may be unpleasant, it's something he can just do and get over with quickly.

I've been living with my feminist boyfriend for over a year. We've been roommate-free since February (that's been our biggest source of drama so far- the roommate drove us insane).

1. Whoever works more hours gets to do less housework.

2. If you're sniffling/coughing all night, be nice and sleep on the couch.

3. At first he'll be impressed with your Susie-Homemaker decorating and organizing, but you can't make him get rid of all his tacky crap because it doesn't match with your tacky crap.

Well I have been living with my partner for most of the time we have known each other. The answer to all three of your questions is time. Don't worry things just happen naturally.

Feminist couples can have just the one checking account, you know.

I just wanted to point that out, since so many people have mentioned their separate checking accounts, with maybe one shared for rent & utilities.

Having totally merged money might be easier the younger or broker you start out as a couple. My man and I went straight from college to grad school, so there wasn't any "extra" spending cash to argue over - EVERYTHING went into the joint rent/utilities/groceries account. There wouldn't have been any point in having another account, because there wouldn't have been anything to put it in. If your disposable income for fun stuff is $100 a month, you might be better off just taking a fifty each out in cash, and not bothering with the whole dual accounts deal.

For us, this was made even easier by the fact that we were both grad students, on exactly the same teaching assistant salary, so we made the precisely the same amount of money each month, down to the nickel. It might be harder if your income is unevenly split.

But with this long joint experience behind us, it's been easy to have merged money since. Now I make less take home, but I provide the health insurance; his paychecks are bigger but with gaps over the summer. In a joint checking account, we can just smooth all this out easily, and we've had years of practice about when to consult each other, and when we can just buy something. It's utterly egalitarian - with less paperwork.

Hmmm...

Even though you have a small space I think it's worth marking out some part of it as "just mine" and part as "just his"; somewhere you can put things and know that he won't move them or look at them or anything (and vv for him of course), you don't have to share absolutely everything and most people sometimes don't want to.

I think you should sometimes do the thing-that-he-really-likes-doing (in the chore list), partly so you don't forget how to do it, partly because even things that you like doing you probably don't like doing every day and partly because if you are anything like me you will become resentful of it always being done "his way" (for instance my 'he' is a better cooker than me on a day-to-day basis; but I get pissed off if I always have to eat what *he* wants to cook).

Christ, this entry is a goldmine. I’m really enjoying everyone’s advice, and I’m realizing that in my own cohabitation with my long-time (six and a half years!) boyfriend, I probably should get more explicit and regimented about our cleaning. Because I tend to put off cleaning I know needs to get done, and he tends to be oblivious to the need for it.

I definitely agree with other people’s mentions of lists of chores, because I can be erratic in what I clean when, and my boyfriend can be awfully helpless without specific instruction (I actually had to explain to him how to mop when he first moved in). I also agree with setting aside two hours once a week to clean. It helps to have a break between those two hours for affection: I found this out when, in the midst of dusting the windowsills, my boyfriend turned to me and said, “let’s take a break and go cuddle.” Which is hilarious and adorable.

Also, I second the suggestions of grocery shopping together. Otherwise, my boyfriend would eat Cap’n Crunch for every meal, and I would just get creative cooking things—like eggplant soup—he wouldn’t eat. I’m really into cooking for both of us, so I prefer to have him point out ingredients I can work with. Also, since I cook all the time, he does all the dishes and sometimes helps me chop stuff.

I also second the suggestion of a large bed, and I’ll add to that: Separate blankets! Or rather, enough blankets that you won’t freeze if he wrestles a comforter away for himself in the middle of the night as my boyfriend does. Several friends’ boyfriends are like that, too, always wanting one blanket they can wrap up in alone.

And I really, really agree about jointly redecorating the apartment one of you was already living in before the other arrived. When he moved in, my boyfriend didn’t want to feel like he was intruding, especially since we have another roommate occupying our place’s other bedroom, but I insisted on taking all the stuff off the living room walls and redoing them, with plenty of his photos and art. I knew that stuff would matter to me were I moving into his place.

Also agree with others' recommendations of thanking one's partner for doing favors and with having periodic date nights. My boyfriend and I have a lot of friends in common we hang out with and also spend a good deal of time laying low at home, but we definitely make a point to go out to dinners and shows and Film Forum movies.

By this point, I love our cohabitation, but I definitely had some anxiety about it beforehand. By the time my boyfriend moved to New York and into my apartment a year ago, we’d been long-distance for much of our relationship. Before, during the times when we weren’t long-distance, we had lived together for only several months at a time, and those stints were rough. Because spending a summer or six months living together had made one of us feel like an interloper, with no friends in the city we were in and no investment in really adjusting to the living situation. But now that my boyfriend has moved in with me for the long term, there isn’t any such pressure.

We have had to make conscious efforts not to hang out by ourselves at home too much. That’s gotten much easier, but when he first moved in I definitely ditched my other friends a lot, since he hadn't yet made his own friends in the city. Also, it’s helped that we have a roommate—one who isn’t around a lot, whom we don’t know well but whose presence makes our cohabitation less insular.

One thing that’s frustrating, still: Reading in bed is hard. My boyfriend tends to conk out soon after going to bed, so I end up reading on the couch more often. The biggest obstacle, though, is finding the privacy to write, just as he needs the privacy to play music. The problem’s compounded by the fact that, since we have a roommate, our living room isn’t ours alone. So I’m still kind of trying to figure out a set-up for that.

1. never under any circumstances put the TV in the bedroom. it kills the sex life and cuts into your sleep, too. it's like a third person in the bedroom.

2. If you're in a bad mood, say you're in a mad mood. don't try to pretend you're not just to keep a good atmosphere; inevitably he'll pick up on your tension, take it personally, and you'll be worse off than if you'd just said, "honey, i'm pretty grouchy right now, do you mind if i keep myself to myself for a little while?"

3. make sure to keep room for your own headspace and each try to have a little corner of your own, in separate rooms if possible. i can't overstate the importance of retaining a space (no matter how small) which is only yours (or his), to decorate or leave messy/arranged as you please.

good luck and congrats!

I never get tired of this old film from the 1950's "Are you ready for Marriage?" Favorite part is the compatibility chart nonsense.
http://www.archive.org/details/Are_You_Ready_2004

good for a laugh...

Hi Courtney,
Congrats on the big decision! Here's what works for me. I don't know if it will help, but it might.

My boyfriend does all of the laundry. All. He washes, he dries, he folds. And he does it every weekend.

When something is dirty, I clean it. The thing is, I get bothered by dirt way before he does, so if I'm too busy to clean, things get kinda gross. The upshot is that I do almost all of the cleaning, but I don't feel bad or put upon because he's doing all of the laundry.

The point is that he needs a clearly defined task that has to be done on a schedule; I don't. This system leaves our apartment reasonably clean and our relationship totally kick ass.

And our apartment? It's a studio. We don't even have a separate kitchen. We've been living here for over a year and haven't fought about space.

Generally I dance on Saturdays, meaning that I'm out of the house for 3 or so hours in the middle of the day. That's his time for painting, and for just being alone. I leave and return from work earlier than he does, and we're both good about giving ETAs. That helps, because if I have an hour to myself, I want to know that it's relaly just going to be me.

Good luck!
Debra

No kidding, I just bookmarked this as "The Cohabitation Bible." I so needed to read this.

Guy and I met in Oct, started dating in Dec, and moved in June... not good. The past four months have been miserable. From reading this entry, I can see that it honestly is because we're not right for each other, not because co-habitating ruined us.

That said, Courtney, I think that you're going to be fine. I've been told so many times that you never really know someone until you live with them, but from the sound of your "very, very long" relationship, I bet you know almost everything about each other. That's a good place to start.

Everyone else has made good points: divvy up the chores, set aside specific time for cleaning together, make Date Nights, and don't freak out over toilet paper that swings this way or a strand of hair in the sink. Talk about EVERYTHING - no matter how small. Don't bring others (your family, his family, friends, pets, neighbors) into the arguments. Definitely keep roommate issues separate from relationship issues. There are lots of ways to establish "me" time, ranging from being in the same room doing different things to taking a weekend day to yourself. Don't get so caught up with him that you forget about you.

The most important thing for me is PRIVACY - and I'm surprised this was only mentioned once in the comments. Just because his email is open when you walk by his computer doesn't mean you should peek to see what's being written. Just because your girlhood journals about being in love with so-and-so at age 13 are in a box in the closet doesn't mean he should dig and read through. Phone calls, emails, letters, bills, journals, sketchbooks, notebooks, purses, etc. are all private. If you want to know something, ask him and chances are he'll tell you everything you want to know.

Then again, that entire problem might be specific to my relationship... :D Congratulations, and most of all: ENJOY IT. You'll be living with your lover, your best friend, your 'dance around in our undies on a Saturday morning' guy (or whatever tickles you)... don't forget to enjoy it.

I am late to the party here, but here's what I've learned in just over a year of being married:

-Get the biggest, most comfy bed you can afford. Like others have said, it's worth it.

-We have completely different cooking styles and tastes. Now that we've finally figured out a few meals we both like, our evenings go much smoother, but we're still learning. I never expected to struggle so much over something as integral as food. (As for the reason for the struggling, see below.)

-I have had to work really hard on letting go of every little thing being "fair." I was making every issue into a Women's Studies lecture and it did not make me a pleasant person to be around. Sherashi's remarks above--e.g.,"Being in a relationship is NOT a competition"--are hugely valuable and beautifully put. More than anything else, that is the one thing I wish I'd understood going in.

-Good luck! We are much better partners for each other on this side of the one-year mark.

I wish I had some of this advice when I moved in with my (ex) boyfriend. Granted, it wasn't meant to be, but it would have saved us a LOT of stupid fights and me banging my head against the bathroom door. (What can I say? I was 19 and he was... emotionally and intellectually, 12.)