i moved in with my boyfriend of four years about three months ago...difficult, at times annoying, but really well worth it if it's something you want to do.
every woman (every person, really) needs their own space & time, and i think this certainly becomes more true when said space is shared.

most people, i think, warned me how much my relationship was going to change and how much more of a lengthy process it would be than i expected (i think pushing a bed frame up two flights of stairs in the oppressive august heat was the most fun). but in all seriousness--have fun with it, don't be afraid to say what you feel, and try to keep things balanced---tips you probably apply to the rest of your life too.

I've been living with my boyfriend for two years and it's been a huge adjustment. We have a really small place too, so there's really no personal space. My best advice would be to make an effort to continue pursuing your individual interests; there will come a time when it seems your always up in each others face and you'll need that outlet to get a little breathing room.

Also, have a firm plan as to who does what around the house. Make a chart if you have to. Seriously.

Dude. relax! I moved in with my bf over a year ago and it's been shockingly easy. Two key guidelines (which work in many contexts): be vocal and be honest. If something bothers you, say it early before you get wound up enough to be upset. Money is a big issue in my relationship (he has a job, i am a student) but it's never been a problem because we sorted things out as soon as the problem was about to emerge.

There may be a slight difference here in that I live in the EU where it's far far more common to cohabit early in a relationship and couples who don't are considered supremely weird (a lot of that has to do with the cost of flats over here I think-it's much more expensive to live alone). Think of it like a roommate with benefits.

You just have to be honest (as much with yourself as with him) when something bugs you and you have to have the presence of mind to own up to it. Truly, it's not that hard.

Me and my feminist man have been living together for a few years now, and I have to say it's both easier and tricker than I expected, though totally worth it. Here's what I know:

1. Balancing and dividing domestic chores requires patience, and trial/error. My guy is totally concientious about whether or not dutie around the house are unfair, always checking to make sure he's not defaulting to "manly way," but that's not enough. Because I'm a little more OCD about cleaning anyway, and I like to things right away rather than later, I still wound up doing more than my part. I would get angry, but I eventually had to realize that I wasn't being totally fair: I had to allow him to do his share on his time in his way, rather than expect he do the dishes and clean the toilet when I wanted. Sometimes that meant letting something stay dirty a day or so longer than I liked, but it's not my place to force my routine and preferences on him. So, give and take, and understanding that you've each got your own groove.

2. Separate laundry baskets. Period. Laundry is rarely mixed because, again, he'd let it sit in the dryer for two days, so I'd end up folding/putting it away to salvage my own clothes. Instead, we just keep those separate. Plus, when he washes my clothes, he cooks them in the dryer.

3. When all else fails, make a list and divide it. Sometimes you just got to.

4. As he works to make sure the domestic stuff is equal, it might become a little too easy for you to let him do more than his share. In my case, my guy's never going to check me on how much I'm doing around here, but (after a couple years), he makes sure that he holds up his end daily, and he's always quick to volunteer to do my share when I'm busy. I eventually found, though, that it's pretty easy to just kick back and let him do too much, which is also unfair. Check yourself from time to time.

5. Do what you do well vs. divide it nonetheless. Sometimes it seems most logical to let each person do what they do best, which is why I always make the bed and fold the towels, and he usually loads the dishwasher. However, there will probably be times when one of you does something better but you don't really enjoy it or want to do it all the time. Ex: Planning the grocery list and meals for the week used to always fall on my shoulders because my guy always had difficulty planning meals and figuring out what all we needed. This, however, became a real burden -- an hour of every Sunday. I eventually started making him responsible for planning half the meals, and now he does it all. (I'm working on my thesis and rarely get a break to breathe.)

6. The key, as I've experienced, it for both people to always appreciate each other's labors. We both say "thank you" to whoever cleans the litterbox or bathtub, puts up the towels, etc. Doing this makes sure that neither of us or our chores ever because default his/hers or unappreciated. Each night, one of us thanks the other for cooking dinner, which makes it feel like a gift to the other one and allows us to appreciate our roles in each other's lives. It may sound silly and formal, but it's not; it's incredibly simple to casually thank each other for what we do for each other, and it makes us feel good about things we have to do anyway, but we're doing them as part of our relationship.

Really, though, expect some frustrations and slip-ups, but try to let them go quickly so that you can calmly figure out a better way.

be honest, be clear, dont get passive aggressive and always, always approach things with an appreciation of what you both bring to the relationship.

expect things to get a bit rocky but never let go of the baseline of trust: if you trust each other and know that your relationship transcends the little things, then you can work through them more objectively. i find not always over thinking things certainly helps.

I totally agree with SC: "be vocal and be honest."

I'm married, but I think the challenges are much the same as with cohabitation.

The number one thing that has helped me sounds obvious, but apparently isn't (if what my friends complain about is any indication): You must be quite clear about what you need.

Don't expect someone else to do something just because it's how *you* would do it. Don't sit around and get pissed about something not getting done if you haven't explicitly described your desire for the thing to get done. "He should just KNOW" or "He should WANT to do this for me without me asking" is a bit unrealistic, in my opinion.

Also, be willing to let go and not keep score. Who does it really benefit if you push your point just so the other person will acknowledge that you are right?

All that said, I don't find it incredibly hard to share a space with my mate. As long as we're both clear about our needs, we're both pretty happy!

Good luck!

1) Play to your strengths.

2) Never go to bed angry or with an argument unfinished.

Worked pretty well for me.

Wow Tara K that's a pretty useful list. Will file that away for if I move in with my gf.

I have been living with my boyfriend for 1 year now...I am 25 and he is 27 and we have been together for 3 years. I was much more nervous about this than he was, mostly b/c of the concerns mentioned above.
Unfortunately I don't know of any helpful books on the subject, but I tried to initiate conversation about division of responsibilities around the house before we moved in. It sounds a bit controling but I thought it was helpful to write out a vague schedule for cooking, cleaning, etc.
Even though my boyfriend doesn't label himself a feminist I consider him to be one...so in a way he was expecting this from me and very open to it.
It's not that we don't ever argue about those things, but it is resolved more easily than if we hadn't ever discussed it before. So far so good!

I've been living with my guy officially for a year (though we "lived" together in college). People kept telling me it would be really different, but maybe we just don't let things bother us b/c it's been pretty smooth.

The tricky issues, as others have mentioned, are maintaining sanity in a small space and dividing responsibilities.

From early on, we developed a routine for chores that we've stuck to (I cook, he does dishes & vice versa, he does laundry & I fold, etc.). When one of us is busy, the other picks up the slack and when we're both busy, we live in filth for a couple of weeks haha. It works for us, so it's just a matter of finding what works for you -- trial and error as Tara K. said.

The small space issue is damn annoying. It gets better, but it will drive you bonkers at first! My guy and I used to go out for walks, runs, or to the gym to relieve stress (separately or together). We also very clearly communicate when we need to be alone or at least in silence.

Overall, don't sweat the small stuff, don't hold grudges, communicate 2-3 times more than you do now, maintain relationships with friends (this will be hard for the first few months), and plan lots of weird, fun things to do together.

GOOD LUCK! HAVE FUN!

My man and I have been dating for 3 years and living together about half that time. And there doesn't seem to be any issue, remotely, about housework. We share the work, we each cook about 50% of the time (that is likely because we're each good at cooking different types of meals). We are definitely in a very egalitarian relationship. So don't stress! You guys will be great, it's a big step, and a great move forward.

And if it's any consolation, almost all the reservations I had about moving in with him are out the window. The only major change in our relationship dynamic is that we are closer than ever. We fight a little more often maybe, but I think we fight productively, and the good times outnumber the bad by a wide margin. He is no longer just my boyfriend, he is now my family.

Tara K, that was great! I especially think the part about expressing appreciation when your partner does work around the house is really important (for any co-living situation, like roommates). I would also repeat what others said about communication: talk about what needs to be done in the house and who is going to do it. Do things together (when I was living with my ex I found laundry folding a lot less of a chore when we did it together, and cooking together was a great partner activity). It was also nice to suddenly see those maintainence household activities as a way of loving my partner instead of just something that had to be done.

You will find that you have different standards for cleanliness. You may also find that you have wildly different bedtimes, which can be annoying when the night owl clambers into the shared bed at 3 a.m., waking up the early bird whose alarm is set for 7. Expect some seriously freaky moments in the first few months, where you may question not only living together but your entire relationship and maybe the value of human partnerships in general - things might get hairy (and I'm not just talking about the shower drain, though it will also probably get hairy).

But! The key is, like folks mention above, communication, and recognizing that moving in together is hard. Think of all the roommate conflicts you've had, and realize how much more intense they would have been if you'd been thinking "I maybe want to live with this person for the rest of my life." Similar conflicts, higher stakes.

I respectfully disagree with the laundry comment. Doing separate loads of laundry is wasteful in terms of water and soap - if you can, either trade off week to week, or if one of you is extremely uptight about washing and folding (*cough* me), divvy up the chores differently. I make all the dinners and my boyfriend does all the dishes and kitchen-cleaning - because I love cooking (am in culinary school) and he loves eating my cooking. I do all the laundry, but he cleans the bathroom and takes out the trash and recycling. We take turns vacuuming and doing other chores.

Once in awhile I get to the point where I think, e.g., the bathroom is too dirty, and I'll ask him to clean it. Ideally I wouldn't have to do that - he'd have the same cleanliness standards I have, or at least they wouldn't differ on such stereotypically gendered lines. But acknowledge that when it comes to those things, the way you're raised comes into play even if you're conscious about it, and I was raised in a household where my mom worked full time AND did all the housework, and he was raised by women who wouldn't involve him in chores (though eventually he insisted, as a teenager).

On the same token, he often asks me to clean up the piles of books, magazines, and other clutter I leave all over the house, because that is my way. It evens out.

One thing though: if you have the space and the money, GET A LARGE BED. Like, a queen-size. You will think a full is fine, but as the months go by it will seem to shrink and your guy will seem to expand in volume, and you will feel like you have 12" of bed space. Especially if there are pets involved, who will want to be in the bed too. Unless you are both under 5'2" and 140 lbs., don't go under queen if you can avoid it. (I am saying this as a 5'8" lady with a 6'2" cohabitating fella and two loving kitties - trust me!)

Living together rules though! That is the conclusion of my looooooong post. My guy and I went straight from living in different cities to moving in together and we definitely had a rocky first few months, but we are so happy with our apartment and our life together. You two will be great!!

Your rhythms may take a while to synchronize, but just be sure you're both honest about how you feel and stay open to communication. Good luck!

One thing I'd warn against is treating your disagreements as if they're gender-equity issues, when they're really just about the two of you. If you try to make your relationship about all men and all women, you're going to have lots of problems.

My spouse leaves wet towels on the floor, and has, as far as I know, never actually replaced a roll of toilet paper in the entire time we've lived together. But I don't sweat it (much) because I remember all the great tradeoffs that make me glad I married her.

Ditto goes for bringing family into things. Two people living together is complicated enough without invoking the spirits of those not present.

In short: You're going to fight, so fight fair, and make up quickly.

You might find _Unmarried To Each Other: The Essential Guide To Living Together As An Unmarried Couple_ by Solot and Miller helpful. Depending on the particulars of your life, it may be a little too serious, since I think it is geared more to people who are choosing to make a deep commitment that is marriage-like (for lack of a better term) in its commitment, but is not a legal marriage. I thought it was a good read but some of it was not appropriate to my situation since we were more Shacking Up and less Making A Quasi-Permanent And Deep Committment To One Another.

A friend liked _A Single Girl's Guide To Living In Sin Without Getting Burned_ before emarking on her cohabitation adventure but I have not read it.

I anti-recommend Michelle Singletary's book _Your Money And Your Man_ which I browsed at the library about the time Shiner moved in and I was in that stage where I read voraciously to try to avery any posible problem. Her advice about cohabitation is basically don't do it or how will you ever get married and live out God's plan. How ever indeed.

My feminist boyfriend and I have been living together for more than a year and we love it. It makes our apartment feel more like a home instead of a place where you live with roommates.

I do most of the finances, because my name is on the bills. We have a joint credit card that we use for all purchases (due to rewards points), but I divide it up every week. Basically, we split ALL food purchases (even if I decide to get a sandwich by myself), all bills, and all grocery store/pharmacy purchases. Anything else (insurance copays, bookstore purchases, etc.) we don't split unless we are buying stuff together. It's just easier to split the entire food bill because it all equals out in the end. He's nice enough to split my student loan bill, but that was not something I assumed he would help out with.

As far as chores go, we have similar cleaning styles. We're both prone to clutter, but we put food away. This is very important: Every Saturday we spend two hours cleaning together. In two hours, you can do a ton of cleaning. And since we're doing it together, there's no resentment because someone is doing more than the other. We try to clean our dishes every night, but every Saturday we get our act together and declutter the apartment.

We don't have a dishwasher or a laundry, so we have to lug our laundry across the street together and we just fold whatever clothes are our own.

Our bed situation is pretty unique. We both have twin beds and frames, so we just put them together and stuffed a bunch of pillows in the crack in the middle. It means we can't cuddle in the middle of the night unless one of us slides over to the other bed, but that's not such a big deal. What it DOES mean is that we get to each have our own comfortable bed while still sleeping together. I have a soft mattress and I sleep on top of the comforter (with quilts on top of me), whereas he has a hard mattress and he sleeps with his sheets and one quilt. Whatever works, I guess! I have a heated mattress and back issues, so more often than not he'll crawl over to my bed in the mornings to cuddle.

The important thing to remember is to work as a team. And doing your chores together, not just splitting them up, is definitely a way to stop yourself from being resentful of one another. Good luck!

I've been living with my partner of 11 years for about...well, 10 years now (my entire adult life, really), and we've developed a few good guidelines that work for us, most of which have already been echoed by other commenters:

I was recently thinking about this exact same thing because once in a while we will have weird relationship moments where I find myself acting like a 1950s housewife and I'm not sure why, and he acts like a typical "dude," and neither of us is sure why. Ah, ingrained patriarchal culture. I wrote about one such moment here: http://lagusta.wordpress.com/2008/06/22/the-feminist-mystique/

-As others have said, BE VOCAL! Don't let things build up that you're annoyed about.

-That said: learn to let some things go. I'm very tidy, my partner is not. Every few months I go crazy because his side of the office is a tidal wave of papers, but I've learned that compromise means that the house can't be the way you want it everywhere, all the time. Everyone needs spaces all to themselves that can look however they want.

-Similarly, I find that sometimes it's hard for me to be OK with the fact that, for example, I have no interest in learning how to change the lawn mower bag attachment. I just let my partner do it, every time. I used to feel unfeminist for things like this, but these days I chalk it up to it being part of the division of labor that exists in every relationship - my partner doesn't know how to caulk, maybe that makes up for it. Yes, once in a while the division of labor will neatly fall into male/female stereotypical categories, and while it's interesting to think about, I have let go of worrying about it.

-And finally: I'll be interested to read any future posts on what this new living situation has taught you and made you think about, Courtney. I was fascinated by the bizarre fact that when my partner and I bought a house together (after already having lived together for 5 years), parts of me assumed his male brain would automatically know how to do things I didn't. I was chagrined to realize that I assumed he would know how to hammer a drywall anchor into the wall, for example, when I didn't know how.

Over time we've learned a lot together, and it's made our relationship better, and it was good to have those assumptions come out and be tested!

And I don't know of any books specifically on cohabitation, but Alternatives to Marriage Project (which you mentioned above) has a great guide on living together as an unmarried couple (I think that might be the title) that is very useful.

That's serendipitous- my guy is coming to stay for two weeks today! I'll have to show him this post when he gets here.

MikeT, S.C., and Tara K, would you please collaborate on the book that is clearly begging to be written? I think you would do a bang-up job!

My guy and I don't live together, but he stays for long periods of time when he visits (long-distance). We communicated so much more easily after I introduced him to the therapeutic-type active listening. "I" statements all the way: when "Will you turn that stupid TV down?" is "I need to finish this project, please turn the TV down", it doesn't breed resentment.

Also... congratulations, Courtney!

I concur with what everyone has said about making lists or dividing up chores and such. Also the big bed bit, because our double sized one is feeling pretty teeny after a couple of years of cohabiting!

I'd like to add:
1. Go grocery shopping together.
I was finding that despite our efforts to balance housework, the mental energy of planning meals and shopping for them was always falling on me.
Our solution was to choose a time every week to shop together, and get input about what the other one would like to eat and stuff.

2. Cook together (if either of you cooks)
It's fun!

Oops, while I was writing that someone mentioned that very book. And I totally echo apb3000's comment about different cleaning standards - we have an unofficial rule that the person with the highest cleaning standards wins, that works for us!

As someone currently co-cohabiting and planning to get married next year, it can get hard. The best thing to do is speak up early, it might feel dorky for each of you to have your "dishes" nights, but it works. We have a SUPER small kitchen and if we don't do the dishes every day it gets out of hand.

Another good tip I can say is that if your cleaning/folding/one of the other million household things, and you know there's something else that needs to be cleaned and he's not doing anything, ask him to, "Hey while I clean the floor could you start the laundry?" Hard to try to come up with an excuse while you're cleaning, especially when you're asking for help. As stated before having a "Cleaning time" where both of you clean the place also works pretty well.

Congratulations!

I just moved in with my feminist (raised by his single-lawyer mom and his much-older sister) boyfriend this year, and he's the BEST ROOMMATE EVER. Right now, our biggest problem is that we want to be at home, together, all the time, and just snuggle on the couch; it's sort of cheesy.

When we first decided to do this, I went a little crazy reading facts about cohabitation, and tango.com (online evil couple-y ladymag), and googling or pestering friends for advice. But we didn't need it. I'd read about couples having to compromise their principles on which way the toilet-paper roll hangs, and knew that those people should not even be dating each other if this was an issue. We knew we were ready to cohabit, and it sounds like you know. As a bonus, we live in a super-liberal city where we could potentially register for an "opposite-sex domestic partnership"!

And here's how things unfolded.

Housekeeping stuff: we got a joint checking account where we direct-deposit exactly the amount of rent each month from our paychecks. The utilities are in my name, but since (feminist and gentleman...sigh!) he insists on always paying when we go to bars or restaurants or movies, I haven't asked him to chip in yet.

He is a much, much better cook than I am (but I bake and he can't!). Our new place has a dishwasher, so division of labor is he cooks every meal for me and I make appreciative yum noises. Every so often I'll buy groceries or make him dinner. We both load or unload the dishwasher when necessary.

The laundry just magically gets done by one or the other of us with no real formal system: everything in one hamper; we have an ex-salsa jar with a slot cut in the lid (like a piggy bank) and all of our accumulated quarters go in there for laundry money.

Um, and it's awesome. I love sitting at the kitchen table doing laptop work while he watches TV in the living room, and ducking in for cuddle-breaks. I love him for always keeping my feet warm and taking such good emotional care of me. It's trecherously un-feminist, but I love bringing him beer (over his protestations of "no, wait! you DON'T have to! There isn't a best girlfriend award, really, I promise!"). We both totally spoil each other.

So really, enjoy it. Don't stress. Things fall into place. Every bit of advice I sought out or solicited was wrong. Or irrelevant.

Congratulations!

I agree with what all these other smart folks are saying about communication and so forth. One point I'd like to add: space is obviously an issue in a one-bedroom, and my/your/our space is especially an issue when one partner moves into the other's home (as opposed to both partners getting a new apartment/house together). I eventually married my feminist boyfriend, who is wonderful, and over the years of dating/marriage we've lived in multiple cities and apartments. Twice, he moved into MY apartment (not a scary story, by the way: those were separated by his going to grad school in another state and me moving for grad school while he was away, not by a disastrous cohabitation-caused breakup); the other times we've selected a home and moved together. We've never fought much, and was never a big deal, but in retrospect it would have been kinder for me to make a greater effort to shift from MY apartment to OURS. My stuff completely filled my one-bedroom and its closets, so his stuff was sort of wedged into corners; the basic setup was as it had been when I lived there alone, with his things 'added' rather than integral (same crap on the walls, same kitchen cabinet set-up, etc.). Poor dude didn't get a real closet until we'd lived together for several years. And, yes, I said "my apartment" for a really, really long time. It was nice for him to get to organize the kitchen and so forth when we did finally move TOGETHER.

My point is that starting from scratch a little with your apartment might help--taking all your crap out of areas that are important to you both and then 'moving in' together, so there's less of a 'my apartment' vibe?

Living with a great partner is GREAT; enjoy!

Thinking about how much money you're saving on rent in NYC usually does it for me. Oh, and all the sex. That helps.

As a woman cohabitating with my female partner for the first time, I'm facing a slightly different set of issues, but the need to reconcile cleaning standards seems pretty universal.

If one of you is moving in with the other (rather than finding a new apartment together), it's really important to make an effort to transform the apartment. While our place still looks a lot like it did before I moved in, my girlfriend was fantastic about making sure my style is reflected throughout.

And that goes for mindset, too--if your guy/girl is leaving dishes in the sink for days on end, it's really tempting to think "Why can't s/he keep my kitchen cleaner?" It's your kitchen now.

Everyone has already said much of what I was going to say but there is one thing that I do not think can be overemphasized.

Being in a relationship is NOT a competition.

I hear of too many people in the world talking about finances, chores, etc. as if their goal is to get the better deal than the other person. All of said people are unhappy in their relationships. Being with someone is about working toward the common goal of both people being happy. If you aren't equally worried about your partner's happiness (or more worried about their happiness) than your own, you have to ask yourself if you love the person and really want to be with them. This isn't a gender, feminism, religion, or any other kind of institutional thing. Just think of it this way, if you have an argument and you "win", what is the other person feeling? Pretty crappy most likely and how is making the person you love feel crappy helping anything? So, my advice is simply to understand that sometimes the ego needs to be put aside for co-habitating to work. I've had to swallow my pride many times but so has my husband and people are always telling us how happy we seem as a couple. We are happy and that is simply because we care more about each other than playing games or getting the upper hand.

After observing my cohabiting friends' relationship go to shit and knowing how hard it was for me to get out of an abusive relationship 4 years ago because I lived with the fucker, I've taken a stand against cohabitation. People need space and who wants to worry about money/bed/stuff/logistics when the relationship sours.

Mind you, I don't tell people what to do, this is just what I've concluded from lived experience.

betty.black, I like to bring my husband his beer too. But he always makes mixed drinks for me, so it evens out.

I agree with everyone above, communication is key. The only thing I can think of to add is to remember that just because you didn't see it getting done doesn't mean it wasn't done. I used to have a big problem with getting mad at my husband because I would think I was the only one who did a particular chore since I never saw him doing it. I finally just asked one day if he ever did; even though I knew he would think I was accusing him of not doing it (and he did), he said that he did and in fact felt like he was the only one who ever did it! So just like you don't expect him to be psychic, remember that you're not psychic either.

As for the division of chores, we always take turns and/or do it together. If I start a load of laundry, we'll hang everything up together (we air-dry most of our clothes to save on electricity) and he'll put the rest in the dryer. We do all the meal planning and grocery shopping together, wash the dishes together, etc. We're very busy people (a home-based business, another job, and school for me - all stuff that keeps us mostly separate) so not only does it seem to get done twice as fast but we also get to spend that time with each other.

There are many good ideas above. I lived with a boyfriend of 4 years for about a year and a half.

Communication is very important, especially when it comes to chores.

However, I strongly disagree with the concept of not going to bed with an argument still in process. This has a potential for causing one partner to give in for the simple fact that they want to go to sleep.

A better way for handling arguements (I found) is outlined in Thich Nhat Hanh's book "Anger" (http://www.amazon.com/Anger-Cooling-Thich-Nhat-Hanh/dp/1573229377 - or wherever you prefer to get your books).

Best of wishes, it's marvelous to live with someone who cares so much for you!

I love all the comments on this one! In fact, the only issue I'd like to re-emphasize is that you both make the effort to recognize what is about the two of you, versus what is about gender conflict within your individual social or familial groups, or gender conflict in general. Whatever agreement you come to as a couple, about whatever topic, that feels equal and loving is for the two of you to decide.

When my partner and I decided to co-habitate, his mother started kicking and screaming. She, correctly fearing I would not fulfill the traditional role of woman, began an onslaught of "suggestions" to "improve" both my relationship with my partner and my relationship with her. This ignited more fights within my partnership than anything else at any other time (and has strained my relationship with his mother).

The opinions of others can be poisonous. You must filter out what is someone else's issue to ensure it does not become your own. Protect your ideals AND protect your love.

I have been married for the past three years and we lived together for a year before that.

I can agree with most of what's up there, and add to the person who said most disagreements are about you and your partner. Nothing / No one else.

I married a woman from a culture that is much more macho, where women's roles are more 'traditional' as well as relationships to family. My mother was the big breadwinner in the house. I was raised in a home where "the personal is political" was like a mantra. My socialist/semi-feminist upbringing was, predictably, unhelpful in dealing with a family that had dealt with a military coup and looked at politics in a very different (and now I realize more concrete) way.

So I learned to worry less about the politics of the relationship and more about making it work for us -- nobody else.

"Free To Be You And Me" made me think about gender roles as a kid. But it was no help at all in getting the dishes done and doesn't alter the fact that my wife refuses to learn to use tools and thinks I should take the initiative on many things. Is she playing into gender roles? Yeah, but nobody's life fits neatly into one's political stances. After all, she's the one who puts food on the table. I'm a househusband since I got laid off.

Making stuff like that a political argument would just ratchet up the tension. Why do that?

I cook most of the time, because I like it. We haven't got a dishwasher, so we do it by hand when the dishes need doing. I don't get on her even though I am more anal about doing the dishes than she is. No point, you know?

A major thing that others here have brought up as well: men are many things but we aren't psychics.

Hinting at something and hoping he'll "get it" -- especially in a small space -- is dishonest and wrong.

It's dishonest because it sets the other person up to fail. If he doesn't "get it" he's by definition failed, and that of course will annoy you. That's a situation where he can't win -- nothing he does will satisfy. That in turn creates resentment because it creates the feeling you've been tricked and that really screws up trust.

So say it early, say it loud, and be absolutely clear. No points for being subtle.

I try to live by the following rule: If I wouldn't like it, don't ever do it to anyone else. Particularly the woman I love.

And be ready for compromise solutions. Don't make everything about the relationship symbolic of whether someone loves you. It usually isn't.

And you won't be able to anticipate every issue. Some things that seem like good solutions at the time aren't. Be ready to renegotiate.

And make the time you have together precious. Say I love you for no good reason :-) Find things to bond over.

Congratulations! You're in for some fun/scary times! I have lived with my partner for over 3 years now. Tara K's list is pretty much how we run our household.

My most significant piece of advice would be to always have an open mind and always be willing to communicate. This is hard on somedays, but soooooo important. Sometimes we have arguments over the littlest things and always in retrospect I realize, if I had just told him how I was feeling last week instead of letting it fester it wouldn't have been that big of a deal.

Some of my partners friends are not so understanding of feminism. So, sometimes when they come over and are driving me up a wall with their ignorance I have a certain look that I will shoot him. He knows that means it's time to go out on the porch or ask them to reconsider what they're saying for my sanity. (I love it that he sticks up for me in those situations and always backs me up when it comes to those discussions with his friends, even if he doesn't agree with me 100% on some of it)I dunno if your partner has un-feminist buddies or friends, but come up with some code word or look, so he'll know to reign them back in.

Overall, I think you'll be surprised to find that it's easier than a lot of people make it out to be. My relationship with my partner has grown in ways I never imagined that it would now that we live together. And we couldn't be happier together. The first year might be rocky....but if you're truly respectful to one another and really listen to each other it should be a beautiful thing. :)

I've lived with my super-feminist husband for the last 8 years and here's what we've learned:

1) For shared meals, the cook never does the dishes.

2) Keep the laundry separate but fold it as a team, usually while watching Rachel Maddow.

3) Some chores are just completely intolerable (mostly pet poo related); rock, paper, scissors works very well to decide who gets those unfavorable jobs.

4) We follow the "if you see a mess, clean it up" rule as best we can, although one or both of us tends to get selective vision some days.

5) Take an hour every weekend to clean the whole joint top to bottom.

6) Sort and clean out the junk once a month: clothes to the DAV, old magazines, etc.

7) Decide who will deal with bills but always discuss how much is in the bank and what the budget needs to be each month. Being honest about the money is key- I made this mistake a lot early in our relationship, buying things and hiding them in the closet, then he'd find them and do the same and then we were inexplicably broke. lol.

8) Talk! Talk about your expectations, talk about the chores you hate, ask for help instead of expecting him to jump up and vacuum. Talking solves problems before they even have a chance to become problems.

That said, 8 years later, sometimes dishes still pile up, sometimes clean laundry still lingers in the baskets, sometimes we go to bed grumpy because we're simply too tired to hash it out and with two kids and three dogs, the house is in some level of disarray most days. But we're still standing and we make the choice to love each other every