I think there was something in there, about not paying enough attention to him because you're too wrapped up in your career? (in addition to the repetitive list that he craves excitement, novelty, variety, and SEX SEX SEX...so this is all that drives men, that's it? Thanks, Cosmo!!! Knowing is half the battle! Constantly putting out without question is the other half!) /snark

I've never dated a cheater, but my current boyfriend has dated a string of cheating girlfriends and he's really insecure about that, and is afraid it means eventually I'll cheat on him, too. So does Maxim or some similar mag explain why women cheat? Is it because men are so wrapped up in their career and because all women want is to TALK TALK TALK and CUDDLE CUDDLE CUDDLE?

I hate segments like this because it virtually erases any concept of a women's sex drive. I am by far the more sexual one in my relationship and it always pisses me off that it's never acknowledged that women want and love sex too. I don't have sex because my husband is hardwired to have sex and needs it a lot. I have sex because, damnit, I like orgasms.

So, don't date a guy who has cheated unless he avoids taking responsibility for it and instead can come up with some lame excuse like his gf was too into herself or work? I suppose cheating men doesn't have anything to do with the perpetuation of the message espoused here that men are sex driven and always looking for a new conquest. I am also sure that it doesn't have anything to do with a society that fosters entitlement in males by providing women with numerous examples and lessons (including one particular magazine, ahem) on how to be a good girlfriend, get closer to your guy, make him feel manly, dress sexy for him, etc. but yet has no equivalent for males. Of course, there is no way it has anything thing to do with the objectification of women that said magazine is complicit in. Nope, that couldn't be. Instead it must be because women like to cuddle too much yet don't give him enough attention and won't wear that different colored wig every night of the week in bed.

I did not even watch the video because I knew I was going to get pissed off...no, outraged! I stopped reading that magazine years ago...can they put better, more scientifically proven reasons out there in the world other than the fact that we women "dont please our man" grrr....

What about men who don't please women? Is it the same thing?

How about this:

Some men cheat because they are irresponsible, selfish assholes.

Some men cheat because they have internalized attitudes that they are supposed to.

Some men cheat because they are misogynists who don't think they are bound by promises to women.

Some men cheat because they don't have the tools to tell their spouses then their needs are not being met.

Some men cheat because they have massive, often unacknowledged whore-madonna complexes.

Some men cheat because they cannot be monogamous, and don't know enough or are not strong enough to accept that and find a non-monogamous situation.

Some men don't cheat.

All of this is too complex to be summarized in a fluff piece. Some of it can be fixed on an individual basis. All of this can be fixed by systemic change in the rigid gender roles we live with.

Guys do love sex, but they can want the cuddling and other things too. Actually, my guy sometimes will tell me he wants me to cuddle with him for a while.

Women stereotypically like cuddling more, but women also like sex. I know I do.

Therefore stereotypes, which this video is using, are stupid and ridiculous. Sure, some men cheat. But so do some women. Also, some men are extremely faithful and will practically go to the ends of the earth for their woman.

I just love that a woman's interest in her career = license for her man to cheat. (But is this only applicable if porn-tastic music is blaring in the background?)

Ew. This is really what we need: To come up with excuses for cheating that somehow loop the blame back around to women. Ew. That's about all I've got to say.

Also: Ditto, SakuraKC. I'm living proof that stereotypes don't work. I abhor cuddling.

Eww...I guess it's no surprise that Cosmo would play into the gender roles and expectations that place men and women into these binaries of men like sex, women like love...how can they ever get together? And its up to women to do the dirty work because men really don't want to be in a relationship unless it is a convenient access to sex! It's just such a creepy and backtracking way of thinking that makes me want to run off and find Bitch, Ms or another feminist magazine to get away from this crap.

Ditto what Thomas said! It's almost refreshing to hear about why men cheat that doesn't blame women and goes further than men just like sex! :)

Cosmo enforces "whore in the bedroom" for the patriarchy. Film at eleven.

If you fear that your boyfriend may cheat, then you must treat sex like work because now he has a punishment he can hold over your head if you don't. Pretty soon you will be so focused on his pleasure that you won't have orgasms anymore, but hey, at least he's not going to leave you. Well, he might still leave you, but at least you'll be on his list of good fucks he can booty call.

You've got Cosmo power.

My guy and I like to talk about it when our needs aren't being met. Sure, he "really likes sex" but that doesn't make him less discriminating.
We've talked about cheating and he feels that if he did, it would be because of his own personal weakness. I think he might be worried about it because of these kind of sterotypes that Cosmo perpetuates. Apparently, he's "hardwired" to cheat. So it's only a matter of time what with his ravenous appetite for variety and attention and intercourse (that I am not entitled to, being a woman).
It's this kind of crap that causes undue rifts between the sexes. It's just frustrating.

Hrrmmmm - a slightly different perspective: by turning the blame back on women Cosmo also makes cheating something that they can actively take steps to prevent rather than just hope doesn't happen. If you look at the magazine, there are lots of pieces that while reinforcing all sorts of nasty stereotypes and power dynamics also say to women: so you have this problem, here is what you can do. Yeah - it's reinforcing the "let us make you better because you probably suck" message, but it's also saying "the situation is in your hands."

"the situation is in your hands... because it's your fault to start with."
my favorite part is when men cheat because (i believe she even said "their woman" wow) is too involved in *drumroll please* her own life!
i think a short clip of an interview would work nicely there, with a man saying "i ALWAYS cheat when my woman gets too involved in having her own life and forgets that her life is pleasing me. it's just sad, really."

and on cuddling, here's my favorite quote from this past week
"YOU CAN COME OVER AND WE CAN WATCH RYAN HALL RUN THE MARATHON AND CUDDLE!!!!! ooh i'm so excited!!!!" -my boyfriend

"the situation is in your hands... because it's your fault to start with."
my favorite part is when men cheat because (i believe she even said "their woman" wow) is too involved in *drumroll please* her own life!
i think a short clip of an interview would work nicely there, with a man saying "i ALWAYS cheat when my woman gets too involved in having her own life and forgets that her life is pleasing me. it's just sad, really."

and on cuddling, here's my favorite quote from this past week
"YOU CAN COME OVER AND WE CAN WATCH RYAN HALL RUN THE MARATHON AND CUDDLE!!!!! ooh i'm so excited!!!!" -my boyfriend

I climbed onto my soapbox for this one: http://crowhen.livejournal.com/172253.html

MzBitca, "I have sex because, damnit, I like orgasms."

Oh so true. Also Cosmo spends a good portion of their magazine telling women how to like sex more, but according to this clip women still don't like sex. So wouldn't it follow then that Cosmo is failling at their job of teaching women how to like sex, and maybe they should just stop? Oh how fucked up Cosmo is.

You know what I'm addicted to? Respect. Honesty. Laughter. Someone who looks forward to me the way he looks forward to the Victoria's Secret catalog in the mail. Someone who realizes that his orgasm is not the end of the show. Where's the video telling men to give me that stuff?

Oh, right . . .

This just reminds me of a (crappy) morning radio show I was listening to where the DJ had on this "expert" who was a woman who went over the details of why men cheat. It was basically exactly like this but when the DJ (who was male BTW) asked the "expert" what about the women who cheat, the "expert" said that *usually* when women cheat it means they've already left the relationship emotionally and once that happens there's no going back. Basically, men want teh sex and women want the emotional support.

I've also read in Joe Quirk's Sperm are from Men, Eggs are From Women, that women feel more betrayed when a partner has an emotional affair with another woman and men feel threatened when women have sex with other men, so this shit is prevalent.

Cynical, you've got it when you talk about how the ideas that the interview presented are just another way of placing the blame for the man's inability to stay faithful onto the woman.

God forbid a cheating man be held responsible for his own actions and not be told "It's not your fault if you cheat - she couldn't keep you happy!" Utter shite.

It's a strikingly similar attitude that women who are sexually assaulted are continually further re-victimized with when asked "what they did to make him do it".

Very scary.

How about "men cheat because they're cowards who just can't admit when they're unhappy"? You know, like a lot of women who cheat. (We're assuming the average, non-violent relationship here, by the way.) I'd say they do it more than women because they have a greater feeling of entitlement to naturally getting everything they want out of a relationship than women do. To say the other party plays no role whatsoever in their partner cheating would be silly, but ultimately, it's the cheater's fault for not having the human decency to go, "Hey, this isn't what I want" before going on and starting another relationship.

What a nice heart to heart conversation that these two are having. HAHA!

Funny but you'll find the same spiel in some of the pop psychology magazines and blogs as well.

And as someone already pointed out women cheat too.

In fact, every man carries within him a living testament to this fact. 300 million sperm per pop? That's an insurance policy if there ever was one. Apparently women, with our hidden ovulation and all, were not designed for monogamy in the strictest sense either.

My main problem is how the message is pretty much ubiquitous throughout various aspects of culture and society (norms, religious "values", pop culture) that the woman bears disproportionate responsibility (ie, prevention) and blame if HE cheats AND if SHE cheats!

It's also hypocritical how women are supposed be more flexible and giving regarding sex, such as inviting another woman into the bedroom, whereas men are encouraged to be selfish and inflexible.

Don't most current studies show that men and women cheat at similar rates? If women cheat almost as much as men, are they cheating for the same bullshit reasons cosmo lists? The man is spending too much time on his career, or the woman is just addicted to sex sex sex?

Honestly, I'd be more into accepting a cheater if his excuse was "Not enough sex" or "The wrong kind of sex" than "She was too busy for me!" Because, honestly, if you're cheating on someone because the relationship is bad you're a bad person for not just breaking up with them, but if you still want the relationship with just a bit more/different sex, it's slightly more understandable, and that means they're coming clean about the sex issues and hopefully they're fine in relationships.

yeah... after the whole "gray rape" fiasco i avoid cosmo at all costs.

cosmo is not about sexually liberated females, it's an attempt to train sex robots. article after article telling you exactly what to do/be to "please him"...

I'm so glad I don't read that magazine anymore.

Am I the only one whose been having troubles with the videos the past few days? I'm wondering if the problem is my computer or YouTube.

Maybe it's just me, but this video, if done differently, would be pretty spot on. Generally people (both male and female) cheat because of relationship problems either sexual(not enough or not the right kind) or emotional (not around enough/to distant/uncaring). They don't end it for social and/or emotional reasons that vary widely by situation.

As for why this was directed at women and not men, well women are Cosmo's target audience. While I am a guy, I don't read "mens" magazines (the last "mens" magazine I read was GQ for its interview with Robert Downey Jr.) and I'd be very surprised if similar things weren't in theirs lists.

"I'm so glad I don't read that magazine anymore."

Amen.

The most irritating thing is that this could have potentially been a really interesting and educational video about the psychology of cheaters. But instead, Cosmo decided to lazily conform to inaccurate stereotypes as usual.

Crap, I hit "submit" too early.

I wanted to add, I saw a really ridiculous example of this mentality on the forums of a dating website I frequent.

A 50 year old man (who's single, surprise surprise) responded to the question "is it immoral to help someone else cheat?" by saying "yes, cheating is wrong, but we're human and shit happens sometimes." I replied to him and said, "yeah, people are totally incapable of controlling their actions. I mean, just the other day I was at the store and I stole a CD player. I couldn't help it, I'm human! Shit happens sometimes!"

His kind of thought process bothers me to no end. I hate it when people refuse to take responsibility for their actions.

Well, I guess that's it, then. I'll have to quit my job and set aside my personal ambitions. How else to ensure I'm using my time to perform my woman duties - make that, woman DUTY - of keeping my man pleased?

Nope - scratch that, too. He's not my man; I am clearly his woman. (All of these gender rules and roles can be so confusing! Many thanks to Cosmo for keeping it all straight and offering a monthly guide for those of us who inadvertently find ourselves being independent and interested in ourselves, and stuff. We must only remember this: please the penis at all costs! Now, why doesn't Cosmo just put that on the cover?)

"The most irritating thing is that this could have potentially been a really interesting and educational video about the psychology of cheaters. But instead, Cosmo decided to lazily conform to inaccurate stereotypes as usual."

Cosmo's perpetuation of female stereotypes has and continues to be nauseating.

and yes, women cheat too - there are studies out there. maybe as much or more than men:
http://www.damemagazine.com/life/relationships/f349/GenderBendOurCheatingHear.php

"The most irritating thing is that this could have potentially been a really interesting and educational video about the psychology of cheaters. But instead, Cosmo decided to lazily conform to inaccurate stereotypes as usual."

Cosmo's perpetuation of female stereotypes has and continues to be nauseating.

and yes, women cheat too - there are studies out there. maybe as much or more than men:
http://www.damemagazine.com/life/relationships/f349/GenderBendOurCheatingHear.php

Bean: "Generally people (both male and female) cheat because of relationship problems either sexual(not enough or not the right kind) or emotional (not around enough/to distant/uncaring). They don't end it for social and/or emotional reasons that vary widely by situation."

I am interested respectfully to know if this is just your opinion or if there is valid research backing this up (though I am not sure exactly how this research could be done...). This line of thought really took off when Oprah did that show on the subject but my own observations have been different. I have known a lot of cheaters both male and female who have been chronic (they cheat on everyone they are with) and the issue was with them and not the partner or relationship (I can admit that even though some of these people were my close friends). People cheat for a myriad of reasons and I believe that just as often as it is an issue with the relationship/sex it is an issue with the individual. I also don't see how society could have no effect on cheating at all as it largely determines the nature of relationships and what men/women expect out of them. I have read men's magazines and though for all I know they address cheating from a similar limited perspective they do not focus only on pleasing women visually, emotionally, physically, etc. the way Cosmo does with men.

My last boyfriend, I found out, was cheating on his girlfriend of two years...with me. I found out just after our six month anniversary, which really sucked. The reason he gave was that she was too whiny and way too clingy. I also got the impression that she wasn't good in bed. He broke up with me a month and a half later, after meeting me (it was an online relationship) and finding out (because it just really never came up) that I was maybe more voluptuous than he was expecting (at the time I was around 200lbs and wore size 18-20s).

I say the reasons for cheating vary for guy to guy (or girl to girl), but I know that I don't give second chances because of him. I still love him, and he's a good friend now, ten years later, but I'd never take him back if he asked. I also wouldn't take back anyone else if they cheated on me, or used me as the "other woman". It's a horrible feeling, when you don't know and you find out.

BTW, Jessica? I love you so much, and I think you're so awesome, but if my boyfriend had made that comment to me (even jokingly), I'd have kicked his nuts off.

In my experience when a guy complains about his girlfriend being too whiny it means that she is calling him on his shit. When he complains about her being too clingy it means that he wants to be the one to decide when and how often they will see each other and when he gives the impression that she isn't good in bed it means he's an asshole with no respect because that's never cool.

peeve number one with this clip: how the interviewer starts out sounding like she really wants to know why men cheat, but immediately starts nodding her head and saying "oh, i KNOW", and "ha ha, yeah", and "oh, that's true!". if everyone already knows men are unreformable cheating narcissists, then what again is the point of this interview? is this some kind of catechism for the unrepentant feminist?