I didn't know Dr. Laura still existed, so I'm pretty sure this is a shameless spotlight grab. Glad there was at least a panel around to immediately call bull.

What about wives, don't they deserve a little hero-worship now and then? I know I'd enjoy some...

Overall though, my only comment is *vomit*

So, she'd say that when wives cheat, it's because their husbands aren't focusing on their needs and making them feel like heroines, right? ...right?

*crickets*

And I agree with stanna, this is just Dr. Laura attempting to screech her way back into relevancy.

And guess what, if a wife cheats on her husband.....

It's her fault! /snark

I love how one paragraph she refers to Silda Spitzer not being in any way responsible for her husbands actions, then in the next, blames women for throwing out a prefectly good husband 'cos their not givin' up the love.

How consistent.

Dan Savage has his own special take on Dr. Laura's latest nonsense:

So the follow up question I would’ve put to Dr. Laura if I were the host of the Today Show (in some crazy, fucked up, alternate universe) would have been, “But What if Elliot Spitzer Wanted to Shit in His Wife’s Mouth, Dr. Laura? Is that a need a wife should focus on, or is that a need a wife might reasonably refuse to meet—even if it meant that her husband would go elsewhere to get that need met?�

You can read his whole wonderful post at http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/03/but_what_if_he_wanted_to_shit_in_his_wif

Prostitution and its value to society is grossly misunderstood in this country.

1. Prostitution: Protects more marriages than it harms. It enables men/women to engage in sexual activites not otherwise available to them (at home) without their having to resort to love affairs, predatory behavior or violence.

2. The Prostitute: Just like any other person who provides a service, a prostitute should be respected for who she/he is, not looked down on for what she does for a living. A prostitute should be judged like any other service provider - does she/he provide good value in a honest manner.

3. The Client: Pays for a voluntarily provided service, in the full understanding that he/she thereby passifying an urgent "need" while he/she avoids risky emotional entanglements and is not forcing him/herself on anybody.

4. Politicians: Do everybody (except maybe themselves) a grave disservice by criminalizing a victimless consentual exchange of service for money.

For those who dispute the morality of satisfying the "urgent need" referred to in (3) above, that is an entirely separate issue. Once the desire exists and seeks an outlet, then prostitution provides a useful and victimless release for the pressures which buid when those desires build up over time.

I for one, would much rather know and condone that my spouse quietly gets together with a prostitute once in while than have to worry about an office lover recking my entire marriage.

Dr. Laura never ceases to amaze in her craziness.

Prostitution and its value to society is grossly misunderstood in this country.

1. Prostitution: Protects more marriages than it harms. It enables men/women to engage in sexual activites not otherwise available to them (at home) without their having to resort to love affairs, predatory behavior or violence.

2. The Prostitute: Just like any other person who provides a service, a prostitute should be respected for who she/he is, not looked down on for what she does for a living. A prostitute should be judged like any other service provider - does she/he provide good value in a honest manner.

3. The Client: Pays for a voluntarily provided service, in the full understanding that he/she thereby passifying an urgent "need" while he/she avoids risky emotional entanglements and is not forcing him/herself on anybody.

4. Politicians: Do everybody (except maybe themselves) a grave disservice by criminalizing a victimless consentual exchange of service for money.

For those who dispute the morality of satisfying the "urgent need" referred to in (3) above, that is an entirely separate issue. Once the desire exists and seeks an outlet, then prostitution provides a useful and victimless release for the pressures which buid when those desires build up over time.

I for one, would much rather know and condone that my spouse quietly gets together with a prostitute once in while than have to worry about an office lover recking my entire marriage.

let's be honest with ourselves: she's not entirely wrong -- although she used shitty wording to get the attention she wanted. if she had said something like "if people are cheating, there's obviously something wrong with the relationship that needs to be addressed. people who are satisfied in their present relationships don't cheat, they go home and have sex with their significant others" that would have been totally fine. this woman is obviously going out of her way to say something inflammatory to get some press (because it's no surprise that if you say something this ridiculous people will respond). so i guess kudos to her; she got people pissed and talking about her.

What the fuck? It published somebody else's post without my response to it. Ah well. Here's a thing I meant to say before my computer shit itself.

1. Calling out a hypocritical poltician who thinks he is above the laws that he helped to create- yes.

2. Speculating about the mostly irrelevent personal life of his wife- pointless, ghoulish symptom of our cultural celebrity obsession which reveals no new or verifiable insight whatsoever. We might as well talk about Brittany's latest trip to the mental hospital or whatever.

helidrvr -
If it were all so simple. Remember, many sex workers are under the heavy watch and scrutiny of a dumbass pimp. Many sex workers do not have protection from physical and sexual violence (from the "pimp," from the client, from others). And forget about legal protection. If s/he is assaulted/raped by a pimp, or a client, you think s/he can simply go off and report it?

For most clients, it's simply "wham, bam, $$$, thank you ma'am." But, for most sex workers, no damn way.

Oh dear. My mother is reading one of her books right now. My dad told her he was thinking of divorcing her a couple months back, and her response was to start reading anti-feminist propaganda in order to win him back.

By the way, my mother was pressured to give up her career when she gave birth to me, and has been miserable ever since. I didn't think it could get any worse for her...until she started reading this.

Meanwhile, my dad thinks that it's okay to control her by threatening to leave her--using the fact that she loves him against her.

That's the sort of thing D. Laura's writing causes. It's remarkable, and sad. It comes as no shock to me that she thinks cheating husbands are women's fault. Or that she thinks men are so immature and self-centered that they need to be hero worshipped in order to be satisfied. I read her book, and she went into this huge schpeal about how if the wife stays at home, it is her obligation to cook a meal her husband likes. Whether or not she is good at, likes, or even has a vague interest in cooking.

Because doing so makes him feel like a "man."

I can't believe my own flesh and blood is drinking up her disgusting, saccharine, degrading, misogynist, sugar-coated words. I'm abhorred.

Ladylinguist, firstly, what you are saying and what Dr. Laura said are different things. She said that men cheat because wives don't meet their needs and make them feel like "her hero." Not the same as, something is broken in this relationship. Secondly, if something is wrong, why is that one partner's fault? My father cheated on my mom, and, uh, no, it had nothing to do with him not being satisfied with their relationship, and everything to do with him being on a power trip. Suddenly his company had taken off and he was traveling all over the world (leaving my 29 year old mother alone with a five year old and two infants) and cavorting with high powered female executives. He was eating at $300 a meal restaurants and staying in exclusive hotels, meeting celebrities, and decided to start sleeping with another woman that frequented the same conferences. Apparently his artist wife and his three kids were not enough. He was a big star, and it came crashing down when he gave my mom an STI, and she had to remind him that she knew him when, and he's not a big star to his children who barely see him once a month, and who hasn't even been around to know what her needs are, let alone meet them.

So, no. It's not always, there's poor communication, or the partners aren't supporting each other or any other lame ass excuse that tries to make this about two people and not one person who decides that they are more important than their partner and their family. Sometimes, the person who cheats is just being a fucking asshole because he can.

My parents are still together, b/c, I don't know, God smacked him upside the head and he realized he actually likes his family? Or just doesn't believe in divorce? Whatever the reason, we're all past it now, but we all also know that my mother played no part in his indiscretion. It was all him and only him, and we are the ones who got hurt.

Yeah, because a married man going to a prostitute is NEVER about the thrill of illicit, forbidden sex, it's only about the wife not giving her husband enough blowjobs.

Oh, UGH.

Yeah, it's all women's faults.

Because obviously, men are nothing more than petulant, needy little babies, with no brains or free will of their own, who need to be coddled and suckled and told how very, very special they are constantly or else they'll "lash out" by cheating on their wives, and it will be ALL the wives' fault for being such selfish, evil women.

Imagine! Not worshipping the ground your husband walks on! *tsk*

/pissy sarcasm

FUCK YOU, Dr. Laura.

Yeah, because a married man going to a prostitute is NEVER about the thrill of illicit, forbidden sex, it's only about the wife not giving her husband enough blowjobs.

Just like the video from a couple of days ago (I think), this shows how much the media just SUCKS! Bad media!

Yeah, because a married man going to a prostitute is NEVER about the thrill of illicit, forbidden sex, it's only about the wife not giving her husband enough blowjobs.

I'm not up on the anti-feminist community so forgive me for not knowing who this lady is, but I agree with ladylinguist. She worded it in a very sexist way, but is it wrong to say that when people (men or women) have to look outside of their committed relationship (married or not) for sex, that usually points to a problem in the relationship? And personally, I think turning to prostitution is worse than simply cheating, because not only does it do a disservice to the one being cheated on, but it also turns the person providing the sexual service into a commodity.
If people were mature, they would examine why they have the impulse to cheat, and communicate that with their significant other. So I do think that when men in committed relationships turn to prostitution, it points to problems in the relationship (sexual or otherwise), but I wholeheartedly disagree that the solution is for the woman (in a hetero relationship) to simply be more sexually available. The issue is more than likely much more complex than just enough sex.

Now, helidrvr.

The men who I saw as a prostitute hated their wives openly. The wife who tracked down my number and called me from her husband's line did not sound very happy. I'm a bit unsure as to why you think prostitution saves marriages. If your husband saw a prostitute, you should break up with him because he obviously has issues with women.

Prostitutes providing "good value" are the ones most willing to do unsafe or extreme things with a client, even in high end work. These good value women are more aquiescent, younger, have a higher rate of eating disorders, provide a better illusion of female objectitude for the man in question, etc. Until the rest of the service industry demands that you have sex with people you hate who you know are married and make them feel good about it while destroying your sanity and your body, I'm going to think about prostitution as being different from most service jobs.

The client should be able to control their needs without seeing a prostitute, rather than assuming they have the right to rape anybody if they go for too long with an orgasm. The service is not voluntarily provided in most cases throughout the world and even most apparently voluntary suppliers of this service are in fact suffering from emotional distress which renders their consent more than a little suspect. A human being with a drop of empathy does not view a mentally unstable person who is saying "yes" as an actual consenting sex partner.

Prostitution has victims. I'm one of them. Politicians in many countries and counties and cities have attempted to legalize prostitution, and by doing this they were also performing a grave disservice because politicians in general sort of suck.

I know you believe that you're proposing something kind of rebellious when you talk about prostitution being okay, but you're actually spouting the vapid sloganeering of the pro-sex work lobby.

All of these post illustrate a pretty important point Dr. Laura's misogynist sound bytes missed: Cheating and prostitution are complex issues with many facets.

People cheat for all kinds of reasons, most of them are not noble.

Personally I have no problem with prostitution when done in a respectful (i.e. not slavery, not underage, etc.) manner. However, not having a problem with prostitution doesn't mean I don't have a problem with cheaters. They are separate issues.

The main problem with Dr. Laura's comment for me is that I am sick of hearing about how fragile men's masculinity is. Seriously. If it is so fucking fragile, maybe they should find a different concept with which to identify with. One that doesn't demean and oppress others.

ChefMatt- She didn't say "Men cheat because there are problems in their relationships." (Which is problematic enough, given how many men cheat because they are in monog relationships but don't want to be, because they feel that they have the "right" to any sex act that they want and their wife denies them, to prove themselves to other men who took them to sex workers in the first place, and to do something "forbidden" in order to spice up their lives.)

She said that men cheat because women don't "make them feel like heroes." This is expecting women to openly worship men who are in relationships with them and imply that any woman who doesn't has no right to expect monogamy. This is sexist.

She blamed women for the problems in male/female monog relationships where there is cheating. Which is funny, because a cheating man can (and most cheating men do) cheat because of problems which they created or helped to create in a monog relationship which they are free to leave. The root of the problem which causes cheating might be essential incompatibility, but that's very very different from blaming the woman in the sort of blanket statement that the good doctor is making.

Understand why people are mad now?

I hear the same thing from cheating men on Jerry Springer "Wah you dont make me feel like a man"(yes I watch it occasionally and it's a guilty pleasure)....I wonder how Dr Laura would feel if she realized she was in the same camp as the raging douchebags on Jerry Springer

From all I've read, Spitzer was a "difficult" client. That alone makes him just another dick. An arrogant dickhead who thought he was above, better than, superior to, those around him. He also does not respect, or truly value women - esp. his wive. I think her response to him has to be, "---- you, and the horse (whores) you rode in on!").

His wife and kids are the victims. His career is a victim. last, but not at all the least, the citizens of N.Y. are victims.

I had such hopes for him as an honest pol., a real leader.

He was just another overprivileged white dude who had no self control, less scruples, and even less judgment.

helidrvr,

PROSTITUTION IS NOT VICTIMLESS!

Prostitution means that a certain stratum of women cannot find a better employment in our society than selling their bodies. Prostitution means society is fucked up, and victims of that are women who are forced into prostitution. Even if we suppose that some women choose to become prostitutes, it is proven that most of them are driven into this occupation by poverty or circumstances, like drug addictions. Or they are trafficked and forced into it. Which means that every man who buys sex is a rapist, unless he does an extensive research of the background of a woman he is going to have sex with.

Hmm, so if my girlfriend cheats on me, it's because I did not do enough to make her feel like a queen, to feel like a woman, to feel like a success, to make her feel like my hero? Wow...

Oh wait! It doesn't work both ways. It's different because I have a penis. PHEW!

What if we applied the prostitution model for sex (instead of the sex model for prostitution).

Assuming the same supply and demand dynamics, let's treat sex as a financial transaction---Start charging all men for sex all the time. They can get an estimate up front and a receipt afterwards.

No more issues surrounding consent (guys, you had better keep that receipt!) No more jealousy --it's just business, right?

Who wants to bet that trafficking of women won't stop though... Mail order brides will be back in style.

Yes, I am pissed.

“When the wife does not focus in on the needs and the feelings, sexually, personally, to make him feel like a man, to make him feel like a success, to make him feel like her hero, he’s very susceptible to the charm of some other woman making him feel what he needs,�

Strange, I don’t see anything in this remark about guilt, fault, blame, ect. I also don’t see where it says that men cheating is always the fault of women, or that it is never the fault of men. She merely says that when a woman does not meet a man’s needs (she does make some strange assumptions about what those needs are), he may be tempted to be with someone else who does. This does not mean that every man who cheats does so because the woman in his life doesn’t meet his needs. What are you all so angry about, again?

What are you all so angry about, again?

Umm... look at her language.

She's not saying that men may be tempted to cheat if their wife doesn't LOVE them.

She's saying that men cheat if women don't worship the friggin' ground they walk on. "Make him feel like her hero"? Come on.

More importantly though, implicit in her statement is the idea that this does not work both ways. Women must make us egotistical men with our fragile male egos feel like warrior heroes or whatever, otherwise we get a free pass with the hoochie-mas at the singles bar.

But I am going to make a wild assumption here and figure that she would NOT excuse a woman cheating even if her man does not tell her how she is his "hero" and a "success." Therein lies the sexist problem.

But don't worry too much about her. I'm sure she'll continue to do very well financially on the right-wing book club.

(btw yes I used the phrase hoochie-mas... my apologies)

But when women cheat they're just filthy, filthy whores.

My husband had an affair. It was brief, it was with a woman he worked with, and it was over quickly. It also left lasting scars, scars we're still dealing with years later, but for several reasons (none of which are germane to this discussion) we decided to work things out.

Because of this, I feel like I'm qualified to comment on Dr. Laura's remarks. Her phraseology is, at best, ill-advised, but at the heart of the matter, I get what she's saying. When the affair came to light, I asked Husband why he did it, how it came to be, and part of what he said was, "Suddenly there's someone laughing at my jokes, excited to see me, and truly interested in what I'm saying." While that is certainly no excuse for what he did, it does help explain how things began to snowball. We all just want to be loved, to feel like we matter, and when we don't get that from our spouses, it's very easy to become susceptible to the charms of others.

Again, I'm not saying that those feelings in any way justified what happened, nor do I feel like my distance at that time in our marriage caused his penis to fall into her vagina, but I do think that both of those things contributed to the problem.

My real issue with Dr. Laura is twofold. One, the way she phrases things is completely inappropriate and extremely manipulative. To a woman who is, perhaps, reeling from the discovery that her husband has been having an affair, and is already feeling pretty responsible for it ("if only I had..."), it just solidifies the message that it's the woman's fault. And as a result, rather than empowering the woman, and helping her, she's making her feel worse. (And as a side note, I don't really think that Dr. Laura has such a high opinion of men if she really believes that they need us to hero worship them.)

My other problem with Dr. Laura is that she's very clearly inserting herself into a problem within a marriage that absolutely does not concern her, and is making blanket statements that people will take as fact, about a couple that has most likely never met her. It's none of her business - just like it's really none of our business - how Mrs. Spitzer is going to handle Mr. Spitzer's infidelity. Just like it was none of my friends' business how I handled my husband's.

And noname is either ignoring or doesn't understand the context of why this was even said. Dr. Laura is responding to the specific question of WHY MEN CHEAT, even more specifically why Spitzer CHEATED on his wife. Her response is that when men don't get the coddling they need they are "susceptible� not tempted, "susceptible" which means there's a damn good chance he's unresistant to the stimulus the other woman is providing him. And if you watch the clip she is asked directly if the wife is partly to blame and she says she believes it is.

Dr. Laura and other's like her seem to live in a world peopled by men and women with the emotional maturity of 5 year olds. Honestly, next they will be throwing spitwads and passing notes.

Whoops. That should be "she believes SHE is." forgot to change than when I edited the rest of the sentence.

I think it's a popular fiction on this site that all sexual difficulties in marriages are two-way streets. I've seen plenty of relationships where I'd be comfortable saying it was just one person's fault. Sometimes it's a wife being very selfish, sometimes it's a husband being very selfish, and sometimes it's one gay partner being selfish to the other gay partner.

Sometimes, when a relationship is sexless, it really is because one partner is a selfish jerk. We, of course, don't need to use any gender-specific pronouns to make that statement.

Not always (and not even a majority of the time). But frequently enough that commenters on this site shouldn't summarily dismiss the notion.

Cheating is a fundamentally selfish act, but some people cheat because they are selfish, and some people cheat because their partners are selfish (and they can't take it any more). It's still cheating at the end of the day, but some people you can sympathize with as being flawed humans, and some people are just assholes.

Ugh. My ex was having an emotional affair with his best friend, who is still in high school (we're three/two years into college, respectively), and he basically said the same thing that Dr. Laura is talking about ("I don't feel like you need me," were his exact words when I asked him why he was talking to this little girl all the time.)

So women can be strong and independant, because we can draw upon our own strength in tough times instead of calling our husband/boyfriend to help us out of our dilemmas, we should only blame ourselves when they cheat on us, because we're not making them feel manly/sexy/needed enough?

Fuck that, and fuck Dr. Laura! If any man cheats on me for that reason, he is an insecure douchebag.

Was this, by chance, the same Dr. Laura who's proposed solution to the problem of rape/sexual harassment was for women to dress more "modestly" (because women in the middle east, some of whom are covered from head to toe, never get raped/sexually harassed, right?)

If so, then she's a fucking crazy lady. Actually, even if it's not the same person, she's still a crazy lady.

Oh, please. Is there anything Dr. Laura doesn't blame women for?

some people cheat because their partners are selfish (and they can't take it any more).

Fuck that. People cheat because they decide to cheat. If they're unhappy with their partners or in their relationships, they have many options: they can talk with their partners about the problem, go to therapy, go to couples therapy, end the relationship. Cheating isn't some inevitable result of an unhappy relationship.

"And noname is either ignoring or doesn't understand the context of why this was even said. Dr. Laura is responding to the specific question of WHY MEN CHEAT, even more specifically why Spitzer CHEATED on his wife." – Ultramagnus

Actually, Ultramagnus, the initial question is “Why do men cheat?�, but the question she is responding to is, “Do you think women play any role in this Dr…. I mean the wife obviously?� Spitzer was not even mentioned up to that point in the segment. It seems to me that Dr. Laura is addressing the wife’s possible role in a husband’s cheating because that is what she was asked to address.

“She's saying that men cheat if women don't worship the friggin' ground they walk on. "Make him feel like her hero"? Come on.� – ForbiddenComma

No, she is saying that men may be tempted to cheat if they do not get what they need from their wives, while listing being made to feel like a hero as one possible need. You are creating a concrete if – then scenario where she did not.

“More importantly though, implicit in her statement is the idea that this does not work both ways.� – ForbiddenComma

This is not implicit in her statement.

“But I am going to make a wild assumption here and figure that she would NOT excuse a woman cheating even if her man does not tell her how she is his "hero" and a "success."� – ForbiddenComma

That is indeed a wild assumption.

Later on in the interview, the other women says that she refuses to believe that Spitzer's cheating was his wife's faullt. Dr. Laura says flat out, "I'm not talking about fault".

Dr. Laura is such a fucking troll. If you read her wikipedia page, you'll find she's done everything she said is horrible (divorce, have an affair, take naked pictures, get her tubes tied). She used to be pro-gay too.

But she has a shtick which gets her a fair amount of success. I guess not everyone is burdened with self-respect.

When the wife does not focus in on the needs and the feelings, sexually, personally, to make him feel like a man, to make him feel like a success, to make him feel like her hero, he’s very susceptible to the charm of some other woman making him feel what he needs

but is it wrong to say that when people (men or women) have to look outside of their committed relationship (married or not) for sex, that usually points to a problem in the relationship?

some people cheat because their partners are selfish (and they can't take it any more)

Like most marriages, mine has had problems. And I admit that when my child was born, I put my relationship with my husband on the back burner to focus entirely on the baby and, when I had time, myself. It was selfish of me.

Luckily for me, my husband isn't a child who can't control his impulses. Was he a hurt that I never had time for him? Of course. Was he sexually frustrated? Of course. Did he understand that breaking his wedding vows wasn't the answer? Yes, because he's a grown man without a huge sense of entitlement. We talked, he ranted, we cried, we fought, and we worked it out. If we hadn't worked it out, he might have left. But he wouldn't have cheated on me.

I get that if someone's cheating that's a sign that there's something wrong with the relationship. I just think it's more of a sign that it's something wrong with the cheater

I'm not going to bother with Dr Laura, as it's ridiculously obvious what a nutter she is.

BUT I'm interested that a lot of people are thinking cheating has to do with issues in a relationship (whether one-sided or two). I cheated once. I told my partner. He forgave me but it still hurts thinking about hurting him.

I have great difficulty with monogamy. It does not come naturally to me and I do not associate sex with love - unfortunately to the point where loving sex can be ice water to my arousal.

I am very easily aroused, and it's mostly by flirting. When you've lived with someone for nearly 5 years and you can't afford to go out you don't flirt much. This has KILLED my sex drive and it's really hard for me.

But I will not cheat again - I made an informed decision to be in a monogamous relationship because my partner is more important to me than lots of random sex. That doesn't change the fact that sometimes it's very VERY hard to resist. (Don't think I don't feel like a bad person for this :\)

This idiot is not a psychologist. Her doctorate is in physiology. And if you examine her past, she's broken many of her own rules.

"What are you all so angry about, again?"

I am wondering why you 'noname' would use a sexist stereotype of feminists (angry feminist) to negate all our valid concerns and comments.

Dr. Laura may be right, more or less, about what cheatin' men are missing, but her blaming infidelity on the female partners is ludicrous. Her opinion, however, has brought her the attention she craves. Mission accomplished!

I have to say I didn’t hated that Dan Savage post about how sex workers are there to do nasty “unsafe� (in the case of Spitzer) things that wives don’t want to do, an dhow it’s all good. What do people find so wonderful about him?

Noname,

“ It seems to me that Dr. Laura is addressing the wife’s possible role in a husband’s cheating because that is what she was asked to address.�
No, she wasn’t.

1- The issue she being addressed on the panel was why men cheat. She is the one who brought up the responsibility of the wife. She didn’t say that it is possible in some relationships husband’s cheat because they are not adequately worshipped. She made a generalization.

2- This was indeed about Sptizer, who wasn’t charmed by another woman he went to a prostitute. The prostitute didn’t charm him.

3- “That is indeed a wild assumption.� Not it’s not.
“When the wife does not focus in on the needs and the feelings, sexually, personally, to make him feel like a man, to make him feel like a success, to make him feel like her hero, he’s very susceptible to the charm of some other woman making him feel what he needs�
Just the language she uses is telling. She could have said when one partner does not focus on another partner’s needs (which still would be problematic, but not as obviously sexist), but she didn’t do that.

4- And this “to make him feel like her hero�, what??? Her hero? My man needs to feel like he is my hero? Why because he is a whiney baby with a fragile ego that he needs to feel superior to me so he knows he is needed in the relationship? That is so much sexist bullshit.

5- “Dr. Laura says flat out, "I'm not talking about fault".�
Yeah that’s when she backtracked because everyone was jumping on her.

6- Does all of this not sound really familiar? “I don’t want to beat her. She makes me.�

Noname, why do you even read this blog? You just don’t seem to ever get it.

It seems to me that people are asking the wrong question.

The question I want to know is this one: why do people NOT cheat--more specifically what keeps people faithful even in situations when cheating seems to be the easier solution.

It's quite obvious that the human animal is prone to cheating (otherwise there wouldn't be so many societal mechanisms in place to discourage it, and romantic jealousy would not exist)

Since we all benefit from being in a faithful relationship; and most of us want to be faithful to our partner, I think we should remember that ultimately the individual is responsible for his/her actions and not the partner.

I am sure that there are many people who are missing something at home, and still choose not to cheat.

I'd like to hear more about how these people handle this situation; perhaps this is where we can learn a thing or two.

Sojourner –

1. The question asked to the first two panelists was “Why do men cheat?�. The interviewer then asked Dr. Laura (the third panelist) what responsibility the wife could have in this cheating (“Do you think women play any role in this Dr…. I mean the wife obviously?�). Dr. Laura does not bring up the responsibility of the wife. She answerers the question asked to her (answering a generalized question with a generalized response).
2. The question she was asked was about “men� and “wives�, not about “Spitzer� and “Spitzer’s wife�.
3. The questions were “Why do men cheat?� and “Do you think women play any role in this Dr…. I mean the wife obviously?�. These questions specify men as cheaters and wives as victims, so she answers in kind. This does not mean that she believes these roles cannot be reversed.
4. I already said that this assumption of what men need is “strange�.
5. She is not backtracking. She is asserting her position while others are attacking her.
6. Where do you get a first person excuse for specific physical abuse from a third person explanation of male cheating general?
I have answered this question many times on this blog, but here we go again: I read this blog because it is interesting and makes some good points. I do get most of it, I just don’t necessarily buy all of it. Intellectual stimulation and growth is not achieved by talking to people who think and believe exactly what you do.

Sojourner –

1. The question asked to the first two panelists was “Why do men cheat?�. The interviewer then asked Dr. Laura (the third panelist) what responsibility the wife could have in this cheating (“Do you think women play any role in this Dr…. I mean the wife obviously?�). Dr. Laura does not bring up the responsibility of the wife. She answerers the question asked to her (answering a generalized question with a generalized response).

2. The question she was asked was about “men� and “wives�, not about “Spitzer� and “Spitzer’s wife�.

3. The questions were “Why do men cheat?� and “Do you think women play any role in this Dr…. I mean the wife obviously?�. These questions specify men as cheaters and wives as victims, so she answers in kind. This does not mean that she believes these roles cannot be reversed.

4. I already said that this assumption of what men need is “strange�.

5. She is not backtracking. She is asserting her position while others are attacking her.

6. Where do you get a first person excuse for specific physical abuse from a third person explanation of male cheating general?

I have answered this question many times on this blog, but here we go again: I read this blog because it is interesting and makes some good points. I do get most of it, I just don’t necessarily buy all of it. Intellectual stimulation and growth is not achieved by talking to people who think and believe exactly what you do.

�What are you all so angry about again?� - noname
� I am wondering why you 'noname' would use a sexist stereotype of feminists (angry feminist) to negate all our valid concerns and comments.� – dedf

Sorry if you were confused by the “all� in my comment; it referred to all the angry posters here, not all feminists or all women. There is no sexist stereotype of angry women. There is a stereotype of angry feminists (although considering some of the shit they are fighting against it is no surprise if they are angry), but this is not an issue of sexism since it refers to an ideology rather than a gender. How, by the way, can a question negate your “valid concerns and comments�. Only a poor answer could do that, I would think (and only then if those comments and concerns were not actually valid).

To hell with Laura Schleisinger. Seriously.

Heaven forbid we men be expected to take some goddamn responsibility. This is almost as much an insult to us as it is to women. According to this lady and her ilk, we men are just a bunch of big dumb animals who can't be held responsible for jack shit. Correction: we're not a bunch of big dumb animals, even though a lot of us act like big dumb animals. We're humans that can, and should be held accountable for the times our actions hurt women.

I figure that since I've learned that there's more to life than having my ego tickled and that there's some value in taking responsibility for piggish actions, any man can learn the same thing, unless he chooses not to. I'm tired of hearing this lame excuse, ad nauseum - Oh, he can't help it. He's a man. Yes he can help it - but he chooses not to. People like Dr. Laura want women to continue tickling our egos and encourage us to continue to act like children while women are forced to pick up the slack and take the blame.

F**k that. There's no excuse for incompetence.

So it's Silda's fault because she is not 22 years old with huge tits? I guess that entitles him to spend $80,000 of the family income on prostitutes.

Eliot wanted a sexual fantasy and had the money to make it happen.

Leaving aside all of the discussion about responsibility for cheating, etc. I'm a bit disturbed by: 'he’s very susceptible to the charm of some other woman making him feel what he needs.' This sounds suspiciously as though it's not just wifey's fault, but the other woman as well... Charm? Really? Somehow I don't think Spitzer was charmed by this woman to the point that he just couldn't help booking her in online before he'd even seen her in person... um, how about taking responsibility for one's own actions, thanks?

Right on, dee.

"See, women drive men to cheat because they age and get wrinkles and won't allow their husbands to degrade them in bed."

:rolls eyes:

No, she is saying that men may be tempted to cheat if they do not get what they need from their wives, while listing being made to feel like a hero as one possible need.

What qualifies as a legitimate "need?"
Many wives probably don't have it in them to make their husbands feel like heroes, because their husbands are inconsiderate and selfish. Maybe some wives don't treat their husbands like heroes because their husbands don't treat them well.
But it's all about teh menz.

kissmypineapple, you are right on:
"Sometimes, the person who cheats is just being a fucking asshole because he can."

Change that "he" to a "she" and that describes why I cheated on my last boyfriend probably a dozen times during the five years we were together. I was young, selfish, and felt like the world owed me whatever I wanted. My guy was not perfect, but he was very loving, supportive, admired me a lot, very attractive, and terrific in the sack - my selfishness was the reason I cheated, period.

If you want to sleep with others, leave your relationship (or if your s.o. is openminded, you can always try for an open relationship). Cheating is selfish, and about the cheater's self-satisfaction, not about finding an "outlet" so that their relationship can be preserved.

Everyone has already said it but, yes, Dr. Laura is a publicity-seeking idiot!

"Many wives probably don't have it in them to make their husbands feel like heroes, because their husbands are inconsiderate and selfish. Maybe some wives don't treat their husbands like heroes because their husbands don't treat them well.
But it's all about teh menz."

No kidding SarahMC.

Men like Spitzer have enough money and are essentially buying a beautiful woman and paying her to lie to them, tell them they are the biggest, the best....

They're not heroes, they're assholes.

I have to say - two things about the discussion give my 'serious trust issues regarding cheating' (both my boyfriend and I have histories of cheating, so we're on guard about our current relationship a lot, though neither of us have done anything of the sort since being together) some real hope.

First - the two outspoken men on this board (it's possible there are more, but these two caught my attention, apologies if I've missed you!): syndicalist702 and ForbiddenComma. The fact that men would talk openly about the issue and how every person must take responsibility for their own actions honestly makes me feel better about people as a whole. So thank you!

Secondly, Av0gadro's story about how she and her husband got through their problems - my boyfriend and I do much the same yelling, ranting, fuming, arguing and the like; but we get through it. I think this point is lost in so many of these debates - reasonable adults who actually care for one another can make it through such fights/feelings. Thank you for the reminder and for being willing to talk about it here.

As for Dr. Laura... All I can really ask is: What else do we expect from her at this point?

FYI.

It looks like Dr. Laura is planning to show up on Larry King tonight, to talk on cheating husbands and loving wives.

It is still partly a call in show right? This looks like a great chance to get someone with her mindset into a public debate, or at least challenge her contentions. I don't think King will, probably just ask her if she saw and liked No Country for Old Men.

ForbiddenComma:“More importantly though, implicit in her statement is the idea that this does not work both ways.�

noname:"This is not implicit in her statement."

Maybe it is not implicit TO YOU in the statement, but it is obviously what she believes, based on what she said in the past.

ForbiddenComma:“But I am going to make a wild assumption here and figure that she would NOT excuse a woman cheating even if her man does not tell her how she is his "hero" and a "success."�

Noname:"That is indeed a wild assumption."

No, it really isn’t based on what she has said in the past. She believes in extreme essentialist gender roles.

I guess you are ignorant about Dr. L’s views (outside of this interview):

She "does not deviate from her strong belief that women are largely responsible for happy marital unions, which should be their first priority."

"She frequently reminds her female callers that their first duty is to their husband, their home, and their children..."

As littledupont said, what else can we expect from Dr. Laura?

(Or noname...)

She can't be real because she doesn't look real. Another person with a stupid ass smile on his/her face.

Does it ever work the other way? What might happen if a man treats his wife like underperforming hotel staff or an errant child? What if he doesn't bother to fuck her more than 2-3 times a year and with no concern for her even then? Is Dr. Laura worried about those cases? I doubt it.

"Does it ever work the other way? What might happen if a man treats his wife like underperforming hotel staff or an errant child? What if he doesn't bother to fuck her more than 2-3 times a year and with no concern for her even then? Is Dr. Laura worried about those cases? I doubt it."

Never mind what Dr. Laura thinks about it. What do you think about it? If a man were to treat his wife with the kind of extreme disrespect that you present, and she were to eventually decide to cheat, would you say that he had no hand in contributing to the situation?

littledupont - I wrote more about it in my LiveJournal. You can access it by clicking on my name. I feel that, as men, we need to buckle down and do our part in our relationships and cut out all the lazy, lame excuses.

Thanks - I checked it out. Well written argument! It seems that a lot of these issues - those of a society that pushes people into prostitution, where people cheat at all, where bodies can become commodities - would be well on the way to solution if people only owned up to their actions and behave like adults.

I had no idea where else to post this, but it just galled me.

From an AP story about talking to young children about prostitues:

Parents should be ready if children ask what a prostitute is, said Judy Kuriansky, a professor of clinical psychology at Columbia University Teachers College.

"If they ask," she said, "You say, 'Sadly there are some women who feel that when they have an intimate experience with someone they need to get paid for it. This is something that is not healthy and I don't accept it or condone it.'"

Nice, huh?

Holy Christ. This is America, folks, where the tabloids will pay millions for a picture of the first Angelina or Cruise baby photo.

This is just about the best fucking thing that could have happened to "Kristen."

Overnight, she will be a sensation, demanding millions for an interview.

Who says prostitution doens't pay?

As a man who regretfully had an encounter with a prostitute that went beyond what I initially intended, I can say that Dr. Laura is an asshole.

What I did was 100% my fault and was in no way caused by my wife not being respectful enough or loving enough towards me.

Conservatives are always spouting platitudes about responsibility, and then they turn around and blame wives and feminism for men patronizing prostitutes. Talk about cognitive dissonance.

anti-feminist women are the saddest thing. It's so hard for us feminists to progress in the fight against sexism when other women are sexist towards their own gender. Do I HATE them? No, I realize that most of the time they are sexist because of the sexist males (or females) in their lives that pass down that it's ok to treat people differently because of their gender. that "God made you a woman so that you can make babies and not get a Master's degree". I have female friends who, while they are nice people, are so anti-feminist that they DO think that when a guy cheats on them it's THEIR fault. Sometimes ignorance isn't bliss! I am just so sad that some female is going to believe Dr. L's BS and think there is something wrong with HER and that she should put up (or even treat BETTER) her crappy significant other!!

Oh and I forgot to add...

I get so annoyed when a man cheats and the woman's mad at the mistress and NOT the man... like "no wonder he cheated on me, you're a floozy and he COULDN'T help himself." First of all, a lot of times the 'mistress' doesn't even KNOW she's a mistress b/c the man lies to HER! Also, I like the 'man can't help it' excuse. Like he's so driven by emotions and impulse that he can't NOT have sex with an attractive woman. Don't sexist men like to pride themselves on how they think SO LOGICALLY and woman are the impulsive and emotional ones?? You can't have it both ways moron sexists!!

mandalanis:"I get so annoyed when a man cheats and the woman's mad at the mistress and NOT the man."

Me, too. Or even when the woman is only a little mad at the man, but much more mad at the other woman.

So many movies portray that same situation. Romance and Cigarettes, which I saw part of recently, was definetely like that.

wow! Dr Laura hit the nail right on the head. She said what so many are scared to say, the obvious.
Women sell themselves short on just how they are capable of controling and manipulating men. In fact I believe the majority of women are ignorant of the power they have over mens behaviour. Wake up! Women are not the weaker sex they are the actual motivator behind everything men do. And that goes for good things men do as well as bad things men do. It is a big responsibility and women should stop being in denial about it and take ownership of it.

fergus = idiot

very intelligent comment Betty

fergus - Feminism, as I understand it, is about women being equal. Equals don't manipulate each other. Besides, manipulating men is just as insulting as marginalizing women. It disregards their capability to be responsible and self-sufficient. The problem with your archaic logic is that some of us know when we're being manipulated. Some of us can spot your type from a mile away. We're the ones that have equals as partners - equals who answer to each other and are courteous to each other. This manipulation mentality isn't, in any way, enriching to anyone and has no place in a healthy relationship. Manipulation is not a healthy alternative to either putting your foot down and demanding that your male significant other take responsibility and live life to his full potential. My wife demanded my best, as someone who truly loves you should, and influenced me to become stronger, more responsible, and more competent while. I don't do all the shit that "typical" men do anymore. Why? Because I know I don't need to and realize that nothing good can come out of it.

I'm probably wasting my time even saying anything to you, though. You probably just think she trained me or something stupid like that. What you don't see is that Cris saw something in me that I couldn't. Like a true friend, she showed it to me.

That Laura. She certainly showed "it" for all to see in that pic that is out on the Internet somewhere.
More power to her & all, of course.

syndicalist-you must realize that manipulation occurs in many different ways every day. It is not a bad thing, merely an event that happens all the time whether we are aware of it or not. When we slow down to the speed limit on the highway after we pass a sign that says 55 mph we are being manipulated. If we don't slow down we may get a ticket. This is much the same as the manipulation that occurs from the people we love. We wish to please them. And hopefullly they wish to please us. Manipulation happens in very subtle forms. You state that your wife demanded your best and influenced you to become stronger more responsible and more competent. Well I got news for you, she manipulated you. Doesn't really matter if you admit it or not, you changed to please her because you love her. Nothing wrong with that. The problem arises if you dont realize it and won't admit it. You then go on to state that you "don't do all the shit that "typical" men do anymore". That infers that before Cris manipulated you (sounds like for the better) then you were just a typical male. Doing all the negative things that typical males do, before they meet up with a woman who, pardon the phrase, civilizes them. Don't be upset, this is the way things have worked for millenium. Women set the morals and behaviors that are acceptable. And they do this by manipulating men, on a very subtle level.