Thanks for this post.
I was--at 16--raped by a friend/boyfriend. I said no. Took about 5 years before a friend, a rape counselor, heard my story & said directly: that's rape. I had told others. No one named it. Keep naming it.

i know you wrote that "rape can be confusing" but in this case: "I started gagging and choking, and I couldn’t really breathe," there's absolutely NOTHING confusing or gray about the scenerio. frankly, if they wanted to perpetuate this crazy notion of "gray rape" they shouldn't have used THIS as an example!

She said no, and he refused to stop. That's not confusing! The only confusing thing is our screwed up rape culture, the culture that tells us that if you were on his mattress you wanted it.

I was raped at a party in college-- and I didn't think it was rape until I heard a rape survivor story that could have been my own.

Thanks for posting on this.

I used the word confusing because that's the word that the young woman used. And let's face it, in rape culture women are taught to blame themselves so no matter how clear cut the assault, women may be confused.

"There is nothing fucking gray about "choke on it." "

Anyone want to take bets on the type of porn he watches?

Jessica: "And let's face it, in rape culture women are taught to blame themselves so no matter how clear cut the assault, women may be confused."

I totally agree. While it might not be confusing to others, the person who was raped might indeed be confused.

This new gray rape makes me sick. Rape makes me sick. Call it what it is: Unacceptable.

Boondoggle: "Anyone want to take bets on the type of porn he watches?"

Ugh. seriously. I don't even want to think about that.

On a side note, I fucking hate cosmo.

Yet another reason why "Yes Means Yes!" will be such an important book. Still working very slowly on my submission, but it'll happen!

Thank you for posting this, Jessica. It really upsets me to see major media organs propogandizing women not to define rape as rape.

One thing I want to point out, where I think the antiporn activists have it exactly right:

[TRIGGER WARNING]

there is a subgenre of porn that has centered and normalized the face-fucking, gagging, forceful blowjob. I'm not going to drive traffic to it; you can find it yourself if you feel so compelled. But there's plenty of it.

I'm certainly not against gagging blowjobs in a BDSM context. But context is everything

There is stuff out there that, as far as I can tell, does not contextualize this stuff as BDSM at all, but presents it as normal. When we as a society tell our young men that a blowjob is grabbing a woman's hair and forcing his cock down her throat until she gags and them coming on her face, we're training them to abuse. When we present that as something they should expect and do without discussion, we're training them to rape.

I'm talking to my fellow BDSMers here, and if it makes me a moral scold, then toss me in the Jensen bin and ship me to Austin: don't patronize this and don't condone it. What we do should be presented as what we do; consensual, first last and always.

It's bad enough that porn normalizes all kinds of harmful body standards. That has far-reaching effects, but those effects are diffuse compared to this kind of horrifyingly direct scenario. I may not be able to prove causation in a way that would survive peer review; maybe that can't be done. But I also don't buy that it isn't a causal factor to normalize force, resistance and violation.

This rapist probably tells himself, and may believe, "hey, what's the big deal? Forced blowjobs are totally normal now." But they are not. They're totally normal in porn, and among BDSMers using it as a scene element. But if it's not something the suckee want to and agrees to do, then it's rape.

I too fail to see what is so "gray" about that encounter. Also, I'm confused - if you believe you were "gray raped" are you not supposed to press charges?

"[The young woman] calls what happened to her something akin to “gray rape,� a term she learned from an article in Cosmopolitan written by Washington Post journalist Laura Sessions Stepp." I find it really overwhelmingly disheartening that the term is spreading like this.

I fucking hate Cosmo too, but I have to admit that if I read this article several years ago, when I was with my last boyfriend, it would have given me pause.

My bf liked forced bj porn and I'd sometimes watch with him. When he'd force me later, it wasn't something I enjoyed, but I didn't tell him not to, because it seemed so normal. It was in porn! It clearly got him off! It was just one of those girlfriend-y things you do. If someone had told me that porn isn't the best indicator of what "normal" sexual behavior is, or that (gasp) it's Ok to say no to things you don't like to do (things I didn't learn for a long time), it would have been a help. So Cosmo sucks, but this crappy article may have some benefit.

Snappy, the entire culture owes you a big apology. I'll start: I'm sorry.

Snappy: I'm so sorry, nobody should have to deal with things like that. Maybe more awareness about these issues would be good. More articles in more magazines, defining it as rape. Things like this should NOT happen,to ANYONE. Hugs to you!

There must be a large contingent of women who, like previous posters, have been fooled by porn into thinking this is normal and expected. Because if a boyfriend tried to force his girlfriend to give him oral, and shoved it in and made her gag and said "choke on it", I think the only reason she wouldn't bite down hard and twist is that she thinks he's entitled to do this and it would be wrong to assault his penis in order to get free.

I mean the moment a guy told *me* "choke on it" I would bite the fucking thing off. Unless he had a gun or knife. But if he's just some guy I'm sleeping with? He's gonna learn what happens when you gag a woman and choke her WITH THE MOST SENSITIVE PART OF HIS BODY. I mean seriously, attacking a woman in a body part that has teeth with a penis is like attacking someone's fist with your eyeball. *If* she realizes that it's okay to retaliate and fight back.

I've really never comprehended how it is that so many rapists without weapons can force women to give oral until I read this thread and saw that women have been tricked by porn into thinking this is a "girlfriendy" thing to do. I can totally understand how, if you think a man is entitled to choke you with his dick, you wouldn't think you were entitled to retaliate by biting. I never understood why there weren't more rapists with partially severed penises where someone bit down before.

Sometimes rape is confusing for the victims because of the trauma, because of the betrayal, because so often it involves someone they trusted.

But sometimes rape is confusing because of articles like this one. Words can't even express how angry I am at this effort to normalize rape (maybe it's more accurate to say to reinforce the normalization of rape that's already part of our culture). The only logical conclusion from this theory is that rape is simply a part of the female experience. That is NOT ACCEPTABLE.

This entire "gray rape" shit actively hurts rape victims by making it that much harder to acknowledge and deal with rape.

Taking personal confusion and using it to say that those rapes weren't as bad, weren't as real, weren't as damaging, is just another tactic of the patriarchy.

Of COURSE women aren't going to be able to call it rape when you tell them it isn't!! The young woman in the article got the idea from Cosmo. Maybe if they had done more to educate about rape, maybe it could have helped her with her confusion instead of adding to it.

From the article: “Once things got pretty violent, I didn’t know how to get out of it. . . . I’m a pretty strong person, but I didn’t know what to do.�

That just breaks my heart.

To all of you at Feministing, let me say it again loud and clear.

THIS IS PORN APPLIED TO THE REAL WORLD. PORN IS DIRECTLY (though not exclusively) RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS

Yes, Alara, because if a man has his hand in your hair and is shoving his dick violently (or even just aggressively) down your throat, the thing to do is cause him pain and piss him off in what may be the most major way possible. At least, it's a great thing to do if you have a weapon, if you know you can escape immediately, or if his arms and legs are going to suddenly disappear and he won't be able to hurt you.

Sometimes girls and women know that these things are wrong, and they happen anyway. Not all victims are unaware. Some are all too aware of the danger to themselves.

Ugh, I'm so fucking annoyed. I fucking hate Cosmo. And I second j. helene, I can't believe this term is spreading like this. Seriously, a woman's magazine is helping to normalize rape?? I feel like punching something.

And did anyone catch this in the article?

?“This is a bigger issue,� he says. “And what my friend said is he thought, too, that with some groups of people, I was sort of becoming a fall guy for a lot of, you know, female anger, which is understandable.... Not that I’d be a fall guy, but that they’d have [anger]. I think about it a lot in terms of just what it would be like to be a woman that got hit on all the time....�

Right, because being the victim of abuse is the same thing as being a rapist. I don't even understand what he's saying here.

“I don’t think he’s a predator,� says Matt Poole, a senior who is also friends with Shaw-Fox. “I don’t think he actively seeks out victims. I think he has a problem, and he can be helped.�

No, he is. That's what predators do. They prey on people. Which is what he does. He sexually assaulted half a dozen women. And no shit, he has a problem. What an astute observation. Just another example of the normalization of rape. Isn't this what we call rape a rape apologist? He admits the guy has assaulted women, and yet it's not his fault?

I think that sometimes the victim is too shocked to do anything. She said that she's a strong person, and when you feel strong and capable and it's taken away from you so quickly, it's hard to know what to do. It's such an unfamiliar situation. I blamed myself... I'm glad she was strong enough to do something about it.

Y'know, I'm strong, feminist, and all that good stuff.

I can easily see how this could have happened.

My first sexual encounter in college eventually involved a guy who put me into a similar (physical) position and wheedled and begged for oral sex, eventually, "just kiss it, then, please?" Ugh.

I was not fully sober, and up until then had been having a lot of fun. I just stopped cold and said, "I'm uncomfortable right now b/c I feel like you're trying to force me." Ice water on the situation. Pure luck, too, that I pulled out the right words to slow him down without making him angry, etc. I can see how in a different situation, different people, different experiences, the whole thing could have turned out differently.

When I eventually left his place (never to return) I realized how close that really was, and the whole thing gave me chills.

ugh, that gave me chills, when i was 14 something smiler happened to me, i was at a party and more than slightly inebriated ( a stupid move, i know) and an older guy took me to a back room and forced me to give him head. Anyway when i tried telling my friend at the party that it happened she said i had to be lying because there was no way for somebody to force me to do that. I never reported it and to this day the only people who know that it happened are my best friend ( not the one at the party) and my current boyfriend... I never really identified it as rape, more almost rape just because for a long time i thought it was my own fault because i shouldn't have been drinking, that would probably be why i never told anyone who could have helped me.

I realize this isn't a popular opinion, but my experience just makes me wonder why we get hung up on terms like "gray rape" (and trust me, I'm a woman who likes to get hung up on terms). My ex-bf wasn't a "predator"--he was a 22-year-old guy who grew up in a culture that told him it was okay to act this way and I didn't correct him. I wasn't a "rape victim"--I was a girl who had received a lifetime of mixed messages: say no to sex! good girlfriends are game for new things! bodily integrity! be fun and sexy! I was just doing what I thought I was supposed to do.

I hate to say that this wasn't rape, because that makes me sound like some kind of apologist. But speaking as someone who was also stranger-raped, it just doesn't feel the same. In the first instance, I gave consent. There was no malice. My ex did what he thought was okay to do. I believe he's a good person who didn't know better and would have stopped if I'd asked--but I didn't. We're still civil today, and when we have talked about the past, he seemed genuinely surprised that forced sex wasn't cool with me. There's a big difference between a regular bf who thinks his behavior is okay with you and a stranger or acquaintance who forces it and expects it to be fine without any discussion.

The bottom line is that I'm strong, feminist, and anti-rape, but the insistence on calling something rape when it doesn't feel like rape seems counterproductive. Why can't we just run articles like this one without using the terms "rape" or "gray rape" and let women see themselves in the stories without running the risk of negative knee-jerk reactions to those terms?

There's a big difference between a regular bf who thinks his behavior is okay with you...

Why would the guy from Lewis & Clark (who was neither the woman's regular bf or a stranger) have thought she'd wanted to gag and choke? "Choke on it" is not a sweet nothing; it's a violent demand.
They were not in a consentual BDSM relationship so there is no basis for claiming he may have just thought it was OK with her.

Every woman who claims her rape (there's a definition at the bottom of the article!) was partially her fault (and therefore, only "grey") perpetuates the normalization of rape.

Disgusting. Dunno what's worse, the regressive bullshit of "gray rape" or that it was published in a "women's" magazine.

Alara: I'm a 6'6" guy, and I loathe physical confrontation. It doesn't happen that often because of my size, but when it does the blood rushes to my head and I feel myself mentally and emotionally receding from the situation. I seize up and, though normally eloquent, start to stammer. Just saying, it's not always easy (setting aside whether it's right) to physically defend yourself. Even if you seem to be in a good position to do so.

Re confusion: Trauma is confusing. This is the case even when one experiences something universally agreed to be traumatic, like a gunshot wound. People aren't sure what happened; they doubt, they blame themselves ("I shouldn't have been wandering aroudn that corner at night). Think how much worse it must be to experience something that NOT everyone agrees is trauma, that a magazine that's supposed to be for you says is something else?

This is not the woman's problem, it's her rapist's. It's Cosmo's.

And did anyone catch this quote from scumbag:

"I’ve maybe deserved some females’ being frustrated with me because I can see where there’s been times where I was maybe too aggressive in my flirtation."

Hmmm... last time I check forcing "a female" to give you head was a little more than flirtation...

Snappy:

I could be wrong, but I think the distinction between "rape" and "gray rape" isn't "non-consensjual" vs. "consensual but uncomfortable." What you're describing doesn't sound like rape to me, it sounds like the result of our seriously fucked-up and buttoned-down sexual culture.

"Gray rape" is meant to refer to insances where the woman withdraws her consent at some point in the course of an otherwise consensual sexual encounter between two people who know each other. This is supposed to be somehow different from rape, more of a gray area.

I think what people, me among them, are reacting to is the attempt to dilute the definition of "rape" by parsing different forms on non-consensual sex.

I agree that they should not be calling this “gray rape� because I think terms like that will only make the victim even more confused. But I can definitely relate to Snappy and others by saying that the article did shed some light on a problem that I have personally kind of dealt with and really didn’t think it had happened to anyone else.

Years ago I was throwing a party at my house while my parents were out of town. I invited over this guy that I was kind of seeing and at one point we snuck away up to my bedroom. We started to fool around and I’m not going to lie but my mouth definitely lingered down there for a bit. But after a minute or two I somewhat gained my senses and realized that I was leaving a bunch of drunk teenagers to party in my parents house and had no idea what they were doing down there. So I told him we should go back to the party and I pulled away. All of a sudden he grabbed me by the shoulders and threw me on my bed. He forcefully held my head down while forcing me to give him a blow job. It all happened in a matter of seconds and when it was all done I was so confused. I had been physically resisting and trying to push him off of me, but he was much stronger and I had never technically said the word “no.� When he was done he lay there smiling as if nothing bad had happened. I didn’t know what to do so I just got up and went back down to the party pretending nothing was wrong.

I was confused about the situation for a while because this was a guy that I had already slept with and I hadn’t actually said no. Did I do something wrong? And I know so many girls would always say if a guy ever forced me I’d just bite down and that’s something I even used to say myself, but while it was actually going on I just couldn’t think straight.

When I finally opened up to a few friends (years later) and told them what had happened some of them said I was not raped while others were horrified and agreed with my assessment of rape. It’s still very hard for me to talk about but about a year ago I semi-confronted the guy about it and he just pretended like he didn’t remember anything. But it definitely helped me move on from that horrible experience.

So I agree that calling it “gray rape� is bad. But it’s at least helps me to know that others have gone through the same thing as me and that’s the positive I took away from this article: I’m not alone.

Chalk up another one for Cosmo, eh? Disgusting.

I had a lot of experiences like Snappy in high school, and while I never withdrew consent and do not consider my experiences rape, the choking bjs were so highly unpleasant that every oral experience since has been preceded by "Gladly -- but if you touch my head, it's over." It might dampen the "romance", but just like a condom, that's the price you pay for protecting yourself. And the line has worked like magic.

There's a big difference between a regular bf who thinks his behavior is okay with you and a stranger or acquaintance who forces it and expects it to be fine without any discussion.

I don't think that there is at all. A boyfriend who thinks that they can force you without any discussion is the same as a stranger who does so. Whether or not you want to forgive your rapist is your own decision and I wouldn't try to take that from you. But to say that rape is not so bad when it's a boyfriend but really bad when it's a non-boyfriend is just dangerous, in my opinion.

This is probably my damage, Kimmy, but if I were being forced to give oral sex until I choked, it would not *matter* that the guy still had hands and feet. Because when I've been physically attacked (never raped or sexually assaulted, just attacked) by men in the past, it doesn't matter that I'm five foot 0 and usually weigh much less than them -- my vision starts to tunnel and I become consumed by rage and panic and I do *anything*, anything at all, to hurt them and get free. This has happened to me many times, against opponents much bigger, stronger and better at fighting than I am, including circumstances where the man in question was play-attacking like my husband trying to tickle me or my dad trying to I forget what, prove some kind of point maybe. And I attacked them both like they were major league threats, and hurt them because they didn't expect me to get violent when they were playing.

So you're probably right, I need to understand that my tendency to go to violence first is just *my* tendency, and other people may have totally different reactions. But when I read the description of the attack posted in the article and then Snappy's recounting of her experience, I couldn't stop imagining what it would be like to be attacked like that, and I kept reflexively biting down and twisting my hand because the visceral image, the rage I felt at such men, was so overwhelming... even though such an attack has never happened to me.

I'm sorry. I don't mean to denigrate women (or men) who don't have the same reaction to violence that I do. There are certainly circumstances where violently attacking the person attacking you is actually the worst thing you could do... and I'm pretty sure I'd do it anyway because when I'm frightened and panicked by physical violence that's what I *do*. It's not a rational choice.

But I do wonder... I cannot be the only woman in the world whose reflexive response to being forcibly choked by a penis would be to bite it. Given that, and given the male fear of the vagina dentata, I gotta wonder... why *do* rapists think it's safe to do that if they don't have a gun to your head? Do they seriously think that their physical strength is so overpowering and cowing that they cannot possibly get hurt by a woman? I realize that many women won't, in fact, respond by trying to bite it off... but I would, and I can't be the only one, so wouldn't you think they'd be worried about that possibility before they tried it?

With all due respect, Snappy, all those factors you listed are exactly the kinds of things that lead to rape. I wouldn't try to label your experiences, but to use your experience to say nothing similar is rape is inappropriate.

Why can't we just run articles like this one without using the terms "rape" or "gray rape" and let women see themselves in the stories without running the risk of negative knee-jerk reactions to those terms?

Because the girl in the article was raped. She felt assaulted. It was against her will. And one of the reasons she doesn't feel comfortable calling it rape is because she has been told it isn't. Standing up and saying this is rape and it's unacceptable is an important part of feminism.

And.. it isn't rape if a man feels entitled to his partner's submission to whatever he wants to do? That really defeats the point of demanding respect for women's active consent.

There's a big difference between a regular bf who thinks his behavior is okay with you and a stranger or acquaintance who forces it and expects it to be fine without any discussion.

I want to clarify that I'm not disagreeing with your experience or your feelings about them, because I'm not arguing that you shouldn't feel that way about your experiences. But I do disagree with the way you extrapolate from them to a bigger picture.

If the behavior that the boyfriend thinks is okay is forced sex that is uncomfortable and/or painful, (outside a clearly consentual BDSM situation) how is that okay?

Every woman has the right to process their own experiences. But just as you don't feel it was rape, another woman might. And if we call all forced/coerced sex rape maybe more women will be able to say no to sex they don't want and not feel like they're being a bad girlfriend.

llevinso, your story illustrates why "It wasn't rape because she didn't say no" is soooo problematic and leads so many women to feel confused and blame herself after being attacked.

I mean, these things happen and clearly we are blurry and confused and shocked in the moment so how are we supposed to have the clarity to yell out, "No!" when we've already voiced our disinterest but have just been physically forced out of nowhere.

"I'm going back to the party" is the same thing as saying "no!" But currently the standard is that if we have not said the SPECIFIC word "no" then we haven't been raped!

Yeah. I had a similar experience with a boyfriend and the forced and/or gagging oral sex in high school. I didn't realize it was assault until recently. That's several years. I didn't equate it with porn. I think I was just too naive and trusting of the guy. I think that sites like feministing and comment threads like these do a great deal to inform people. And to let us know that we aren't alone in our experiences.

"I cannot be the only woman in the world whose reflexive response to being forcibly choked by a penis would be to bite it. "

No, you're not. I've used teeth and I'll do so again if the need arises.

I don't think they consider the teeth beforehand because they know they can scare her with violence or the threat of it. And for the most part, it seems like they're right.

What is so hard for these people how invented the phrase "gray rape" to understand? Consent really does mean consent, period. This is a legal concept that has been honed through the cauldron of the common law for centuries, yet somebody selling a woman's magazine comes along with this fanciful phrase -- as if she can reinvent a long-settled concept.

To assess whether there was consent, the question is whether from the reasonable male's perspective (assuming the male is the one accused of rape, which is almost always the case), the female manifested her assent to the particular sexual act undertaken. Her secret, subjective intent, wishes or desires are of no import, and her consent may be verbal or it may be implied-in-fact by her conduct based on all the surrounding circumstances. At a criminal trial for rape, once the affirmative defense of consent is raised at trial, as with all crimes, the state must prove the absence of consent beyond a reasonable doubt. If the male does not reasonably believe there was consent, it is rape. It is an objective standard, not a subjective one. If the male reasonably believes there was consent, then it was not rape.

People in the business of selling magazines would do well to NOT make this concept, for which there is no serious debate, so difficult or pretend it is controversial. It is not. Rather, the concept of consent -- not someone's idea of what consent should be -- ought to be taught to young men and young women, because there is obviously confusion.

I think I can understand the desire to have something other than "rape" to call our experiences, especially in the case of acquaintance or rape by a friend, which it sounds like this case was. No one wants to necessarily think their friend is a rapist. I also think that rape is such a loaded word that people want to be careful where they level it. Also, because sex is such an emotionally laden act, when consensual or not, that it really confuses people.

So even if what happened was wrong and a form of rape, I can understand that girl being confused and wanting to find something else to describe it. I often find that while language is one of the best forms of communication, it is completely inadequate.

Ditto to SarahMC. If it's clear you didn't want it, saying "no" is redundant and probably wouldn't do any good. I think we like to believe we had more control over this kind of situation. Maybe sometimes blaming ourselves instead of the rapist is a way of coping with that loss of control, by maintaining some illusion of it.

"the male reasonably believes there was consent, then it was not rape."

Funny thing is, there's theres human beings called women that know there are men out there who don't even take into consideration her consent, like the rapist in this example.