Tsk. Someone's vagina worked very hard to make that coffee you're crying into.

Wow. I didn't realize that teaching women to enjoy their sexuality by using vibrators is the same thing as teaching them to sell their sexuality to the highest bidder. Oh wait - it's the complete opposite.

Also, wtf, Santa is most def real. I saw him at the mall last week.

Seriously, do these people really act like this in the real world or is it because they have some sense of anonymity they feel like they can get away with acting like total assholes?

Um... at least you set the bar high?

Also, could this hate mail writer POSSIBLY parrot any more sterotypes?

I have obtained my husbands permission to call this guy The Douche of the Year.

Now back to the dishes.

I haven't laughed any harder than I did when I read this little inbox present of yours.

This one is less conherent than the last e-mail. I didn't know it could be done . . . and I have been naked (minus pregnant) in my kitchen before. :) It's quite nice. I'd rather be naked than wear those credit card panties. I use my magic vagina to bake Santa cookies, too.

"You need to get barefoot, naked, pregnant, and back in the kitchen where you best serve a damn good meal."
somehow i think being barefoot and naked might be slightly unsanitary while cooking...

OMG, doesn't your ranter realize that this website can be accessed by CHILDREN who might find out that Santa isn't real and turn to prostitution???

1. I'm pretty sure that by the time you're in middle school you know what a vibrator is already.

2. Enjoying your sexuality for your own sake and not for the sake of getting stuff are two completely different ideas.

3. Jessica can blog away all she wants. Doesn't he know? Women have their vaginas do things for them!

Jessica, just wondering whether (and how) you actually respond to these folks...

These letters and threads have absolutely made my Friday this week! Who says feminists don't have a sense of humor??

This latest one is so strangely like a caricature of itself that I almost can't believe you actually got it and didn't just make it up :D.

Seriously, do these people really act like this in the real world or is it because they have some sense of anonymity they feel like they can get away with acting like total assholes?
-- Gretchen

From my experience, yes.

I love the barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen part - I have never heard that one before. Clearly, he has given this some extensive thought. These are cracking me up though. Keep 'em comin'!

kirsch, I don't really ever respond. That's what they're looking for. However, there was one particularly nasty email I got last year from a dude who was stupid enough to send it from his work email. So I told him I would fwd it to all of his bosses and coworkers (whose emails were easily accessible online). He responded by threatening me with a lawsuit and claiming that he never wrote the email, that they had been having problems with their internet security and such. It was hilarious, especially because in both emails he called me "little girl," "missy," and dumb shit like that. So, yeah, nice try. I scared him good.

Reminds me of the time my mom's friend was telling off the ump of her kid's softball game for giving special treatment (or something, I don't remember the details) and this teenage redneck that worked at the park came over and said he wanted to meet her husband so he could shake his hand for putting up with her.

True story, I couldn't make that up. That's they way it works in Richmond Hill, GA. So glad I left that hole of a state.

Haha barefoot and pregnant.. where have I heard that before.. ;)

And jessica: you go girl--er, little missy...

But seriously, it sickens me to think there are actually people who think like this. sickens me.

side note:

cooking barefoot and naked in a kitchen is perfectly sanitary.. though if you're cooking something that splatters you might want to wear an apron....

but I've baked cookies in the nude.. and made dinner...

of course naked is my own choice, I mean I am a nudist and all.....

Dear Sir.
You are a douche. That is all.
Sincerely,
Jetgirl
(Please apply to not just the guy in this post, but the other letter writers as well)

That letter's so over-the-top it has to be a parody. I hope, anyway.

Jessica, what do you think the ratio of actual misogynistic assholes to trolls just hoping to get published on the Internets is?

He's not a parody, he's just a troll.

Oh, c'mon. That's got to be a fake. Look at that first sentence. There's no way that can be for real. If it weren't for that first sentence, I would think this is just your run-of-the-mill abusive scumbag hiding behind anonymity (because God knows his tiny penis isn't giving him any coverage), but as it is, it's got to be a parody.

1. I wish that someone had the foresight to teach me about vibrators when I was a teenager. It took me years to figure out how to find the good ones all by myself. I would consider that a public service.

2. If there are young girls accessing this site, that would pretty much make my week. Hi, kids! Good to see that you're actually bothering to learn/think, unlike this douche.

3. Speaking of which, I need those You Are A Douche cards.

4. What kind of asshole doesn't wait until AFTER CHRISTMAS to tell people that Santa isn't real? Fucking Scrooge.

5. Okay, enough with the numbering.

"You need to get barefoot, naked, pregnant, and back in the kitchen where you best serve a damn good meal."

What in the hell? That's so random, it's gotta be a fetish.

Thanks for sharing these, Jessica.

I really do try to refrain from mocking others, but when they have already done the job for me, I consider it perfectly fair to laugh so hard my vagina has to pick me up off the floor.

*giggles* I must also thank thee for sharing these. I was feeling a little down but seeing these examples of truly moronic individuals surely has brightened my day.

I also have to agree with the person who said being bearfoot and pregnant in the kitchen would be unsanitary.

Clearly this dude's a jerk, but I think he's trotting out all the stereotypical shit in an attempt to be funny/piss Jessica off.

I think i mentioned this in the original panty post too, Santa is based on St. Nicholas, a patron saint of virgins and children, who gave a father with 3 daughters and no dowries gold, so that the father would not have to sell his daughters into prostitution.

Ooh, naked barefoot pregnant cooking, that's my favorite kind.

I wish my vagina would shovel the driveway already.

What the hell? Santa doesn't exist?! I was going to ask for another vagina for Christmas!!

These just make my day. They are so outlandish and ignorant that it's impossible to get my "who needs credit cards" panties in a bunch. Oh wait, I don't own any because they are sexist! And guess what? Because we went after a "sure thing", you, Mr. Wal-Mart shopper, can't buy any either!! My vagina and I are laughing all the way to the kitchen.

Cara, I also wish someone had taught me about vibrators as a teen. Hell, I wish someone had taught me about masturbation so that I would have known how to deal with the intense feelings I was having.

And I second the cooking naked, and doing everything else naked for that matter :P.

So, apparentally there is a correlation between the validity of Santa Clause, prostition, and vibrators? Thanks, that was extremely informative. Note to douchebag: prostitution and the parading of vaginas as a for-sale commodity (thus resulting in wal-mart's underwear selection)are the result of, among many things, sexism and exploitation. Vibrators are not

Santa is the one who makes sure that vibrators arrive under the tree for all the good feminists. And their helpful vaginas.

I'm helping Santa! I feel so warm and squooshy inside.

Sad and funny, all at once.

Though all the talking about being naked in the kitchen (which I'm generally all for) reminds me of a mantra taught by my favorite chef in culinary school:

"Never Fry Naked!"

(He happened to be a feminist, too, and was trying to get more women into professional chef positions in restaurants. Funny how women are supposed to be in the kitchen at home, but so few are allowed to be successful chefs.)

Hmmm... cooking naked in the kitchen doesn't sound like a good idea. If you burned yourself badly enough Santa might never get his cookies.

Cara,

I don't know how young you (or Sir Douchicorn) are talking about, but I'm seventeen.

And shockingly enough, I am offended by the panties, not the vibrators. I must be one o' those crazy feminists, thinking women deserve, like, equality and crap.

The barefoot and pregnant line was old before I was even born.

If you're naked, wouldn't you already be barefoot? Or are you still considered naked even if you have something on your feet? I'm thinking way too hard about this. And now I have "Business Time" in my head.

I'm pretty sure the only reason I have any panty bunching going on is the way I'm sitting.

Anyhoo, if you're cooling naked, I hope you won't be frying anything. That's a nasty spatter wound waiting to happen.

*cooking

How did the existence (or lack thereof) of Santa even come into play? It's like he was frantically trying to throw in every offensive thing he could think of and, in a moment of blind panic, lashed out with the nonexistence of Santa.

It almost made the letter amusing enough to read.

Heh. The idiot's outraged that kids could access terrible, ugly posts like his own.

I'll bet half of these love notes are homework assignments. The guys send them, then print them out, then grovelingly submit them to Mistress Bordella who whips them raw for every spelling mistake.

Jessica, what do you think the ratio of actual misogynistic assholes to trolls just hoping to get published on the Internets is?

Posted by: BWrites

Considering how easy it is to be published on the Internets without being a misogynist asshole, I'd say the ratio is 1:1

First and foremost, Jessica is unmarried. That is this troll's first mistake.

The second mistake that this troll made is telling women that teaching them to enjoy their sexuality with sex toys and/or porn for their own pleasure and no one else's is the exact same as selling their body to the best bidder.

Maybe we need some Troll Claus-be-gone for this troll posing as Santa.

so wait...this guy is more disgusted by the vibrators than by the panties? it's odd...i would think the fox crowd would hate the panties just as much as we do. go fig.

As for naked and barefoot - I was once at a gethering where a bunch of people decided to go on a naked hike. We all wore shoes and nothing else.

it's odd...i would think the fox crowd would hate the panties just as much as we do.

No, you see, while women are supposed to remain pure and chaste until marriage and are supposed to never ever use poon to get what we want, we're also to be taught, pretty much from birth, that we're nothing but fuckholes, put on this planet for male pleasure (hence, those panties being marketed to children).

It's a difficult conundrum for your average MRA to balance these conflicting messages, and probably explains the apparent frequency of untreated mental illness among the MRA set.

weird, I'm 15 and I too don't find the adversitments for vibrators offensive. In fact while I couldn't buy one because my parents would ask some pretty awkward questions, I think thats pretty liberating. Oh and I wrote on of those letters to Walmart encouraging them to pull the item.
you silly silly chauvinist.

Dear Mr. Meanie,

Can I have an evil Santa-isn't-real doll like you as my husband? You'd be great fun in a handy-with-tools, bringing-home-the-bacon, lifting-heavy-objects, big, brawny, macho man kind of way. I just hope you're at least four inches taller than me, 'cuz if not, I will emasculate you with my 6 ft. plus height in my sexy, feminine stilettos. I would hate to intimidate you, sweetie.

Dude, where did the vibrator ads go, anyway? I wanted one of those things- cool!

Sincerely,
Femme Feminist

Hi Barbara! It's always encouraging to meet cool young feminists like yourself.
All the talk about vibrators inspired me to buy one from Early 2 Bed the other day. Thanks for the reminder, sexist pig!

""You need to get barefoot, naked, pregnant, and back in the kitchen where you best serve a damn good meal."

Gosh, if only he'd suggested you pre-chew that meal for him, he could've passed for a Ferengi!*

*The Star Trek geeks will get that joke. Of course, the irony is that the Ferengi were meant to be a extreme caricature of outdated sexism. At the rate we're going, future viewers of Star Trek reruns will relate better to the Ferengi characters than the human ones. Ouch.

Vervain: Yeah. Ferengi = white, American males. Thank you for providing me with my daily dose of geek.

Barbara,

I'm 21 and out of the house now, but from the time I got my first vibrator when I was sixteen to the time I left for college I kept my vibrator in an old purse under my bed. My parents never found it!

I was, however, lucky enough to have a mother who talked to me about the wonders of masturbation - its a good thing, too, cause I didn't have access to a site like Feministing back then like you do!

advertises VIBRATORS in big colorful ads

Well, that's just capitalism, dude. You wouldn't sell very many vibrators if you packaged them in muddy-coloured ads with priests in them telling you how terrible and sinful they are. Well, not unless you were *purposefully* going for the Catholic masochist market.