My major problem with this is that it devalues parenthood - in this case, motherhood - as if somehow the "reward" is because a woman endured having a child. It's as if a woman didn't make a decision to have a child, and that she was coaxed into such with the promise of shiny objects.

It's like saying "Good job having a baby, here's something shiny that'll make you happy. Now, spend the next 18 years mothering and occassionally getting flowers for busting your ass raising a kid."

If they truly want to put a value on women's labor (really, no pun intended), they'd be compensating mothers and homemakers for the world they do.

While I definitely agree that NYT articles trend dramatically toward upper-middle class issues, I don't really agree with the premise of the post here. If the family can afford it, I don't see anything wrong with a man presenting his wife/girlfriend with a present just for her after a long delivery. My best friend had her first child a few days before her birthday a couple of years ago, and it definitely did not help the post-partum depression when her friends and family brought her all sorts of gifts like baby blankets, diaper genies, baby clothes, breast pumps, etc.
I'm not saying that Tiffany's is ever necessary, but I think it's ok to give something special to the woman you love after she's given birth.

First of all, they chose to have the baby (even if they didn't originally choose to get pregnant). I don't see a need to reward that decision. Second, shouldn't the baby be the reward?

Eh, I read this article and mentally filed it under "ridiculously expensive habits of people with more money than they know what to do with." It didn't really strike me as being sexist.

Sorry, revoke my feminist card, but I got a baby mamma gift- told my partner it was important to me, and it was. He bought me a modestly priced but beautiful bracelet, it's the most perfect thing he could have gotten me after I felt gross and tired and really out of it after my c-section, I could wear it with my hospital gown and it felt nice. Fair is fair, I got him a Dad gift too, so it wasn't exactly one sided, but yes, I loved my baby mamma gift. :)

When my children are older, the baby gift I got from their father will eventually go to them- my daughter will get her bracelet maybe when she gets married, or graduates college or whatever she chooses to celebrate in her life, and any other children will get their gifts as well. I assume when my partner and I are ready to adopt, we'll still give each other a gift to carry on the tradition.

They chose to have the baby...

Yeah, the couple chose, but only one of them had to endure almost an entire year of pregnancy and all the attending symptoms and risks. Just b/c being pregnant may be a time of great joy for a woman, doesn't mean that it isn't difficult or that her joy will permeate every moment of the entire pregnancy.

Shouldn't the baby be the reward?

Yes, the baby is important. The baby is wonderful. Blah, blah, blah. The baby is also the only part of the pregnancy, labor, and childbirth that people seem to notice. When my friend Jen had a baby this summer, we didn't get her a baby blanket or a toy. We got her a little bracelet. It wasn't expensive, b/c I don't really have money, but I felt it was important that she have something that was for her. Just for Jen. Not for Jen as the pregnant lady. Not for Jen as a mom. But for Jen.

And if Mr. KMP and I decide to have one biological child, you had better believe I expect a thank you from him at the end of that child birth. Of course I will want the baby, and love the baby. But dammit, that is a huge undertaking for any woman, even those who desperately want children, and the physical part of a man's work is done after he ejaculates. So yeah. A thank you token would be nice. Of course it doesn't need to be a bracelet. It doesn't need to be flowers. But, I surely would love a card or a little note expressing that he understand what I went through for our family, and appreciates it. I don't think that's too much to ask, and I don't think too many men would be opposed to expressing gratitude that way.

My husband brought me tea every day and worked with me to develop a schedule that would allow us both to sleep as much as possible. I didn't need more than that.

kissmypineapple, bless you for realizing that there is a WOMAN behind the baby- a friend who deserved your attention. You are SO RIGHT.

While I think it's important to recognize women's work during pregnancy and childbirth, this seems to me like, "Thank you for gestating my child. Here is some compensation for giving me a baby." Like the baby is being exchanged for the gift. I may be overthinking it.

I think having a problem with the framing of the article, and the premise, are two very different things. The article made me feel icky- it was so focused on materialism and on the idea that somehow, babies are a gift women give men, and should then get some reward. All very "She's having my baby" and women-as-vessels for male seed.
However, the actual idea of giving a woman who has just had a baby a present that is just for her- and not baby-centric, seems like a really nice, and possibly progressive, way to acknowledge her effort, honour the major life change, and celebrate her continued independent person-hood. Which is what the commentors here sound like they are reflecting on.
When my friends have babies, I usually give them a gift certificate for a massage or facial, for all those reasons.

Right, so on the one hand we've got people insisting that a woman's "natural" urge to bear children is so strong that even ill-prepared teenagers are helpless to resist. On the other we've got people saying that bearing a child is such a hideous chore that women must be bribed with something sparkly to go through with it.

Gosh, it's almost as if individual women aren't interchangeable, or something! But that's just crazy talk.

Also, this isn't a new trend: it's been around for hundreds of years. We have records (going back hundreds of years) of childbirth gifts, typically given by the very wealthy (such as royalty or similar) to their wives. It's possible, even probable, that such gifts were given by the middle classes back then, too, but obsessive records were not kept of their lives.

I don't think that there is anything wrong with gift-giving. But maybe the issue is what the woman expects (if she in fact expects anything) for giving birth. I think that new moms (and even dads) definitely deserve paid maternity and paternity leave, but as far as getting material gifts, to each her own. But again, the issue seems to be what some women expect to get for child birth, or what they feel entitled to receive. I'm not sure, any thoughts?

I will say I've seen these kind of gifts given by working class people buying on credit. It worries me how many people feel like they are expected to go into deep debt for appearances.

Why can I only think of that "diamond hymen" that was posted several weeks ago?? Maybe the baby daddy could have that big ol' diamond mounted for her as a baby mamma gift?

Ugh. I have to say, the story reeks of bribery and romanticization of childbirth and motherhood -- without acknowledging openly which kinds of motherhood are to be valued. I think most people are more concerned with financial realities, not baby mamma baubles. Of course, I don't have children, but now that I know gifts are involved, well, it almost makes me want to reconsider. not.

(Disclaimer: I'm speaking as a feminist who is not a mother.)

I really resent comments like the one about childbirth "ruining her body." I understand that pregnancy and delivery is no easy task for the body and that mothers undergo serious physical changes and deal with PPD and the baby weight and all it's implications in our culture. But that it leaves their bodies ruined? Excuse me? It seems to me that post-delivery bodies need as much acceptance and affirmation as any other form of the female body, maybe even more so. I actually heard a bit on NPR a few weeks ago that said "the best thing for new mothers to get their bodies back (italics mine) is to get more sleep!" Yeah. Right. How about the best thing for their mental and general health -- oh wait, they are currently caring for an infant.

Fiery_lil'_redhead, I agree that it's problematic for there to be an expectation of major material gifts for childbirth for the reasons other posters upthread mentioned.

At the same time, I would/will expect and feel entitled to a small note (only so I can keep it with my little box of letters and postcards I've gotten from Mr. KMP over the years; I can't keep a kiss to look at later if Mr. KMP passes before I do, or if I'm feeling nostalgic). I would expect the same for any major life milestone. Ten year anniversary? Yep. I want a note. Married? I want a note. Major job promotion? Note. And, I'll be doing the same for him.

Lilanna, I don't think there's a damn thing unfeminist about valuing women for themselves. It seems to me that there is a troubling tendency, when women give birth, to erase their personalities and replace it with "mother". Now, as Miriam says, the generic "all women love diamonds" crap does rub me the wrong way---I've never enjoyed getting jewelry as a gift from lovers, because your lover of all people should know what you really want and not resort to generic stuff---but the idea of saying with a gift after birth, "You are still a person with value in your own right, not just a womb," seems a-okay to me.

Hey, I'm with you, SarahMC. The underlying "You had my baybee, here's a coookie" message is a little weird.

Here's the thing. I've been having a very high risk, complicated pregnancy (totally planned pregnancy, thrilled to death over the idea of having children, but the pregnancy itself = not fun).

I had to stop working at 5 months and go on bedrest (which is not as restful as the name might imply), meaning my husband is now having to stretch his salary to cover all of our bills, and after working a full day, he has to come home and do all the laundry, dishes, shopping, cooking, cleaning, rub my sore areas, drive me to the hospital, etc, etc, etc.

So...which one of us gets the present? Isn't it kind of ludicrous to imply that either of us could be paid off for our hard work, sacrifice and commitment with a freaking trinket?

Oh, and tupelights, the 'ruining her body' angle in the article skeezed me out, too.

The message there is that once a woman gives birth, her body has been destroyed and devalued. Pre-baby bodies are good, post-baby bodies are...worthless, therefore trinkets must be given to offset the woman's perceived loss of physical value?

Ew.

i think it's clearly a silly thing for the nyt to cover, given that it's a) been practiced in europe for ages and b) relatively few people can afford such extravagant gifts as diamond earrings anyway, but then as much as i love this paper, it skews to yuppiedom more often than i would like.

for the record, i think that anyone buying their partner a "push present" under some sense of obligation or who intends to skip out on parenting is an asshole. but i see most of these gifts as more of " by the way, thanks for doing this" token, not some kind of bizarre compensation.

apparently judging from the comments to the article, most of the readers seem to be incapable of grasping the notion that such a gift doesn't somehow mean that the husband/partner isn't ALSO going to be giving tons of love and support and help with childrearing. the two are not mutually exclusive. i do think it's sort of tacky and materialistic to DEMAND such a gift, but i don't think it has to be given with such motivation. i think it can be just a nice way of saying thanks, because no matter how much joy it may bring, pregnancy and childbirth is still work.

as kmp mentioned, i also agree that it's nice to give a gift that reaffirms and acknowledges the autonomy of the woman behind the baby.

I don't think I'd want this myself (though flowers would be wonderful because hospital rooms can look rather bleak, I totally understand that one). But I don't know if it's so much of a "thank you" as an "I love you, this is a very special time in our lives, and I want you to understand that you're still my wife first and the mother of my child second." I know of a lot of women who feel like the baby comes and all of a sudden they aren't a person anymore, they're just a mother, and getting something that they want, not something that they need for the baby, would be touching. It's a bit more symbolic, I think.

A lot of people can't show affection easily except by buying things. It's a problem in our culture. And frankly, right after I gave birth, when I was tired and sweaty and aching and looking forward to months of up-all-nighters, that's when I would want my husband to show me the MOST affection (though I personally avoid people who need to buy things to show they care). Many marriages are very strained in the first couple months after a birth because the parents neglect each other for the baby. And yes, I figure it goes both ways-- man, it creeps me out when women refer to their husbands as "Daddy" even when the kid's not there.

I don't think getting a present after giving birth is a bad thing. I get presents every year for the day I was born on, and I don't have to do anything but grow old. But a gift to celebrate the addition to the family and as a reminder that the father/family/fried does appreciate everything that was gone through in the previous months. Not a horrible thing. I'd see it like getting a gift from your S.O. for getting a promotion or . The gift is a reminder that you have someone in your life who's sharing in the experience and appreciates you in their life.

I like the idea of a gift after giving birth mainly for the idea that a lot of people have been mentioning, to acknowledge the woman's autonomy. I have also heard that it can be a disheartening transition from being acknowledged as a pregnant woman (how are YOU feeling?) to the baby being the focus for concern and acknowledgment (how is the BABY?). I think it is also a sweet gesture just in general if one goes to through the experience of labor, be it positive or negative. I see it as similar in a way to getting someone flowers when they go to the hospital.

What I DON'T like is the expectation of giving diamonds or some equally financially straining gift. Diamonds are just bad all around for a number of reasons, the brutalization of the industry, the nasty gender stereotypes about women and diamonds, etc etc etc. What about flowers? A thoughtful note? A small gift like even a scarf or something?

Well, good call on calling out this article, Vanessa.

On a tangent, doesn't it seem time we call 'bullshit' on anyone who uses references to 'cavemen'?

Stereotypes of 'caveman' behavior are all-too-often used to argue the biological basis for gender stereotypes and obligations. They usually play up the human potential for competition, violence and the oppression of women as being far more prevalent in our species history and therefore more 'natural' behavior for us today.

Wouldn't prehistoric cultures have been just as diverse as modern cultures (including matriarchal societies and extremely varied gender roles)?

How many people, outside of those who have actually studied the subject, know much of anything about any prehistoric cultures?

Haven't humans always needed to cooperate and work together just as much as they resorted to violence and competition?

I propose that anything referring to 'cavemen' (especially given such references' popularity among gender-role reinforcers) be called BULLSHIT.

Jesus, how bout instead of wasting money on a piece of jewelry, giving a certificate for a massage and facial instead? I would have loved to have a massage! When I had my daughter in July, I had her just 8 days after my 21st birthday, and she WAS the present. She WAS the reward for all the morning sickness and the fucked up tail bone that still hurts. Also, I would raise hell because dropping the money on some stupid trinket right before the medical bills hit is such a bad plan.

Then again, some women love jewelry. I love when someone cooks me dinner or actually physically does something nice instead of swiping the debit card.

Amen, Breeder!! The only things I wanted after birthing both of my children was a massage and some sleep. Diamond earrings for a new mom? Yea, I would have looked lovely wearing those while half-naked trying to comfort a crying infant in one hand and eat what remains of some cold oatmeal with the other.

I don't think Miriam was criticizing all women who receive gifts from their husbands after childbirth. She was providing an excellent critique of a NYT article that presented this practice as if it were common ritual in this country. As someone already wrote, women need support after birth, they need community, they need to feel they are a part of a society that values them. They need financial support. They need practical support. Why aren't we reading articles in the NYT about that? If we were, I'd have no problem with this boring article. Since we don't read about what really matters to the majority of women and families, it's important we call out publications for these kinds of pointless articles. I can write an article about the fact that my friends and I like to give each other gift certificates to the Korean spa after a stressful week. Does that make it newsworthy?!

Amen, Breeder!! The only things I wanted after birthing both of my children was a massage and some sleep. Diamond earrings for a new mom? Yea, I would have looked lovely wearing those while half-naked trying to comfort a crying infant in one hand and eat what remains of some cold oatmeal with the other.

I don't think Miriam was criticizing all women who receive gifts from their husbands after childbirth. She was providing an excellent critique of a NYT article that presented this practice as if it were common ritual in this country. As someone already wrote, women need support after birth, they need community, they need to feel they are a part of a society that values them. They need financial support. They need practical support. Why aren't we reading articles in the NYT about that? If we were, I'd have no problem with this boring article. Since we don't read about what really matters to the majority of women and families, it's important we call out publications for these kinds of pointless articles. I can write an article about the fact that my friends and I like to give each other gift certificates to the Korean spa after a stressful week. Does that make it newsworthy?!

You know, I understand how saying "ruining her body" like *all* pregnant women are damaged by pregnancy is skeezy, but... some of us *do* get ruined bodies. I cannot sit for long periods of time without pain (I have a desk job and have to drive my legally-blind husband to his job and my kids to day care and school, so sitting is a huge part of my day), my stomach muscles have moved to my sides and will not help me sit up or keep my intestines restrained, I look permanently pregnant, my favorite sexual position hurts, and every time I sneeze I pee myself. I consider that ruined. Not destroyed, no, but my body doesn't *work* like it should since I gave birth. And I'm sorry, but peeing every time you sneeze or experiencing excruciating pain in the tailbone from sitting, when your baby is 18 months old, is not a trivial issue.

I hate jewelry (told my husband when he was my boyfriend that I would break up with him if he ever tried to buy me an engagement ring.) But the principle of buying the woman who has just gone through hell to have a baby a present for just her, herself, seems like a great idea. Because the baby is a reward for *both* parents, but only one did all the physical work, so it only seems fair that the father of the baby get the mother something nice for herself -- not because he's paying for the baby, not because she made the baby *for* him, but because she did all the work and suffered all the damage for the payoff that both of them get to enjoy.

But keep it in a *budget.* Diamond earrings might be very nice for women who have so much money they don't know what to do with it all, but most of us are thinking that money will need to go to baby clothes and supplies, so he should think of something she'd like that *won't* cause stress over money.

I think it's a sweet sentiment that is, like many things, been made into a display of materialism.

I liked the idea of the husband/partner that made a sculpture. Or the idea of mutual gifts, especially lilianna's idea of passing it down to her children.

But I also agree that over-the-top diamon jewlelry is stupid.

AlaraJRogers

Do you know what the deal with the tail bone pain is? I have it too and while my uninsured ass can't get it fixed currently, I do wonder whats up.

Also I have heard of some different ab exercises that get the separated muscles to go back together. Hope isn't lost!

AlaraJRogers, I don't know about the tailbone pain, but there's a fairly simple surgery (minimally invasive) that can help with the peeing thing. (I figure I'll need it soon enough, it's not every time I sneeze, but I'm not getting any younger...ugh.) If you have an OB/GYN, I recommend you talk to her/him, and if they blow you off, switch providers.

So the "push present" is a gift from the man to the woman in appreciation for her 9 months of pregnancy and her labor. Sort of "well, you did this for us, and since I couldn't, here's a token--now we're even!" Trinkets do not = pregnancy/labor. Even if they're expensive.

There are so many things that men CAN do that are actually helpful and welcome. How about 9 months of solidarity? Sobriety, eating well, exercising? Comforting through morning sickness, giving massages? Taking just as much time from work as we do, taking childbirth and childcare classes, being advocates who know the woman's birth plan and run interference with doctors? No presents, please. Be a partner.

I think it depends on the gift. I was thinking of getting a gift for my friend for her baby shower in edition to the gifts for the baby. I was going to get her some relaxing bath salts or something, nothing expensive, just something that might help her relax after a whole day of taking care of a baby. But I figured that if I was going to spend extra money, she'd want it to be spent on baby stuff.

When my best friend has her baby in the spring, I'm making her dinner and my SO is giving her a massage.

but...

I'm sorry...

Tail bone problems? Stomach muscles moved to the side? What The Fuck? That sounds terrible. I never planned on having kids, so I never looked very closely at the part of "Our Bodies, Ourselves" - is that in there? I'm send you both some warm waves of comfort ladies.

I'm going to agree with Breeder. I don't want kids, but if I did and I went through 9 months and then labor, if my SO bought me a shiny new trinket I'd hand it back to him and tell him he's going to be helping me with the feeding/cleaning/staying up all night/etc.

My mom never was one for jewelry. While she appreciated the gifts my dad did get for her, she'd much rather have him sweep the floors, wash the dishes, do laundry, cook, help around the house, know to leave his muddy boots on the porch, etc. She would always tell me men buying you stuff was easy, it got them off the hook for the housework they weren't doing.

While I can see how the personal gift is nice, I think most men would feel let off the hook and wouldn't be too apt to do anything else. And when you complain, what will they do? Go buy you something else.

If the new dad's going to buy the new mom a hot tub, he should do so a bit earlier so she can labor in it! (3 of mine were born in the water, almost pain-free. Safer than an epidural, too.)

People have different "love languages" and there's nothing wrong with gift-giving as a love language.

I've had friends give me a "just for you" gift at a baby shower or after the birth, and I really appreciated that they were thinking of ME and not just the baby.

Some women are fortunate enough to have caring friends give them a "blessingway" prior to the birth. This differs from a baby shower in that the focus is on the woman, love and support for her, and mental strengthening for the task that lies ahead. Usually is somewhat intimate in style, involves lots of kind words and small rituals.

Before my last birth, my mother and sister gave me a blessingway. My daughters also came. My sister had collected words of wisdom, stories, encouragement, etc from my friends all around the world. Each of them presented me with a bead which was to represent an attribute, such as strength, that they see in me. It was very moving. We put all the beads on a bracelet which I wore until after the birth as a reminder of the women everywhere who were "with me." There are other traditions, too, but this is getting long...

"If pregnancy and childbirth has value, should women be compensated for the time and effort that they are putting into childbearing? If so, what kind of compensation would be fair?"

...and who's hiring her and owing her the wage?

I'm reminded of how Massachusetts state law says that your employer has to pay you for your first 3 days of jury duty - and if you are self-employed, you have to pay yourself. So, if a woman wants a baby and chooses to carry to term herself instead of hiring a surrogate or adopting...

"If the family can afford it, I don't see anything wrong with a man presenting his wife/girlfriend with a present just for her after a long delivery. My best friend had her first child a few days before her birthday a couple of years ago, and it definitely did not help the post-partum depression when her friends and family brought her all sorts of gifts like baby blankets, diaper genies, baby clothes, breast pumps, etc."

On her birthday too, not just in the baby shower?

That reminds me of what I heard about Mother's Day presents. Giving her leisure reading, video games, or whatever implies "enjoy yourself with this" more. Giving her dish towels, vacuum cleaners, or whatever implies "do chores for me with this" more.

I've also heard of someone giving a bottle of champagne as a baby shower gift.

"but I felt it was important that she have something that was for her. Just for Jen. Not for Jen as the pregnant lady. Not for Jen as a