How can you have an argument between two people if one of them is silent?

Speaking from experience, it's not that hard. You know how, in most arguments, person A says something, and person B retorts, and then person A again and so on? Well, in certain kinds of relationships, person A says something, then person B goes on for an hour (sometimes metaphorically, sometimes literally) and person A doesn't retort either out of fear, or desire for peace, or sheer exhaustion because they know nothing they say will matter anyway.

As for the topic of the article, I know my health has gotten better since I left my husband (the template for the above). I don't get as many migraines, many fewer stress-related problems, and my depressive cycle has evened out incredibly.

I'm surprised these folks needed a study to tell them that it's hurtful to be suppressed all the time.

"...women who self-silenced were four times more likely to die than women who expressed themselves freely..."

I'm not doubting the negative effects of self-suppression on health, but this bit in the linked article is very poorly worded...

I know what you mean Kimmy.

Then the guy asks, "Well why aren't you saying anything? Don't you have anything to say? I'm the only one talking!" and then I retort, "Yeah, because you won't SHUT UP!"

I hate arguing.

Ankathry, I LOL'ed

I don't see why the study's so gender-specific. Men who stay quiet and bottle things up develop health problems for it too. It's a human thing.
But then men in hetero relationships don't usually have the same level of anxiety about physical abuse - or of getting dumped for being a loud-mouthed harpy - so that's a difference.

TORTURE PORN USED TO SELL SHAMPOO ON NATIONAL TV

Saw this 30 second TV commercial for a shampoo product this morning on either MSNBC/ABC/CNN or Fox, but I don't remember the name of the shampoo company.

Here's a description of it that I just posted to an email list hoping to find out the name of the company that made this vile piece of business:

Commercial opens with hot brunette on coach in an office talking to shrink, then cuts to interrogation chamber, where a "twin" of her is already tied up and sitting next to the visual cliche of torture tools being on a medical tray next to her, where her "twin" is bound by thick ropes to a chair.

All the torture implements next to her are hair care products, i.e. blow dryer, hair straightener etc.

Then we see her interrogator, who is also her, (which is part of the 'joke', or 'gag', if you will, of this commercial, see shrink's punchline below), skulking around the room in a menacing fashion and giving her threatening looks.

At one point she picks up the hair straightener and approaches her bound victim with them as if they are like the battery cables that are used in torture, that's how they come across visually.

Cut back to the shrink's office, who studying 8x10 pictures of her effed up hair and the punchline, delivered by the shrink, is:

"Why are you torturing yourself?"

Which is the lead in for the magic shampoo that will cure her of her effed up hair.

Rewound the thing and watched it 2x to make sure I wasn't hallucinating.

Keep your eyes peeled, it's bound to be back on the air until somebody else sees it, comprehends it, and freaks.

Anybody else sees it, please send me the name of the shampoo company.

Thanks!

~Nyc

I'm sorry, but why is that part poorly worded?

(Making numbers up) Let's say that the study found that, in the ten year period they were looking at, 10 women who expressed themselves freely died, while 40 women who self silenced died. How would you word that other than "over a 10-year period, women who self-silenced were four times more likely to die than women who expressed themselves freely during marital arguments"?

I don't think they meant so much that the women took it upon herself to silence herself, but that "self silence" was simply used to describe women who's self is silenced.

Does that make sense?

It's already pretty well documented that men who stifle themselves in verbal disputes suffer from poor health and earlier mortality. It's nice that people are taking the identical consequences on women seriously since historically society's assumed it's just your role to be deferential. I suppose it's also nice that someone feels there's been enough of a dent in death through domestic violence that they've started inquiring into non-violent deaths. Nice, yeah, but also a shame it's taken so long for, as Snobographer sort of puts it, people to include women in the definition when they say "it's a human thing."

figleaf

Mm-hmm yes, very interesting. But you spelled LIKELIHOOD wrong. And it's in the article's heading. And that makes the article look stupid, unprofessional and unimportant. Bloggers have spell-checks, yes?

Mm-hmm yes, very interesting. But you spelled LIKELIHOOD wrong. And it's in the article's heading. And that makes the article look stupid, unprofessional and unimportant. Bloggers have spell-checks, yes?

Does this carry over into the workplace as well? After spending this morning "self silencing" in a meeting, I feel like I'm going to implode.

I don't think they meant so much that the women took it upon herself to silence herself, but that "self silence" was simply used to describe women who's self is silenced.

Posted by: mara jade

Interesting idea but I doubt that was the intention. Going by the typical thinking that women are fully responsible for every ill that befalls them I'm assuming they meant that said women are silencing themselves for some mysterious and illogical reason and are thereby making themselves sick.

I'm lucky enough to be in a healthy relationship but I do have to silence myself at work (shitty cashier job) and I can definitely feel the effects on my health.

Anyone else notice also, the little paragraph near the end about men's health when their woman comes home bitching about her job?

I have to say it gave me pause with what exactly they were trying to imply by just throwing that in there.

I don't know if you saw, mara jade, because I think it was on the second page, but after talking about men's health it said that people have focused on how things are changing for women but men will have to adjust too. The way I say it sounds bad but in the article it actually made me feel like it was bringing up an important point - that men have to change their lifestyles and expectations. But that part did keep me from showing it to my conservative friends. Don't need to fuel the fire.

Thank you for pointing this out. I thought the very same thing when I read about this earlier today.

My aunt was married to a highly abusive man, who eventually killed her when she finally found and exercised her voice. Keeping quiet was her only real method of self preservation.

Just to throw out some more anectdotal evidence here: I was once in an unhealthy relationship where I constantly held back my feelings and experienced quite a few serious health problems from it. I'm predisposed to OCD and anxiety issues already but being in that relationship rendered me virtually non-functional due to the frequency and severity of panic/anxiety attacks, depression, nausea and IBS. Eating became so difficult that I lived off of liquids for a while.

I'm much, much healthier now and haven't had any similar issues since I overhauled the way that I live my life (thanks in no small part to feminism!)

It's not really surprising to see a study showing a strong correlation between healthy relationships, mental health, and physical health.

This doesn't surprise me; as has already been mentioned, self-suppressing causing damage is a human thing.

As has been pointed out, this pattern often shows up in unhealthy relationships, but I think that once ingrained, it is very hard to get out of. There are people who never seem to learn how to find their voice again, even when no longer in an abusive situation.

I wonder what Christians who believe it is a wife's duty to submit to her husband would have to say about this...

raginfem:

That it's our punishment for Eve's eating the apple?

raginfem: Probably something about getting to heaven sooner.

Whenever people, female or male, keep emotions stored inside, it will impact them negatively. Often, doing this is a learned behavior or done out of fear. But it is essential to learn how to manage conflicts. I offer a Free teleseminar, "The 7 Tools to Manage Conflect Communication." To hear it, go to: http://choicerelationships.com/teleseminar_resources

Heh, roymac, I suppose that bit was actually very poorly skimmed by yours truly; I missed the "over a 10-year period" clause the first time around.

I was thrilled to see this article. I never understood why women in healthy relationships would stay silent. I was married to someone who was verbally abusive for years, so I know from personal experience how much damage being silent can do to someone. The combination of constant beratement and not feeling like I could safely defend myself (because not bringing up anything negative kept me from getting yelled at) caused me to gain ten pounds. I was constantly sick and depressed. He never hit me. I think people who have never experianced something like this don’t realized how deeply it can affect you.

Heh, roymac, I suppose that bit was actually very poorly skimmed by yours truly; I missed the "over a 10-year period" clause the first time around.

HA! Okay, yeah, without that clause, the study would sort of be silly, wouldn't it?