D.C.'s alt-weekly, the City Paper has a package of stories this week on street harassment. One, a catcall diary a woman kept for a year. Two, a very poorly-written essay by that same woman about how now she's a racist because of all the harassment she gets from Latino men. And three, a piece by some dude who was apparently totally unaware that your average woman experiences street harassment on a daily basis. It also has a companion video, in which exactly two people (a male harasser and a female harass-ee) are interviewed. Taken as a package, it's a real trainwreck. [Warning, massive post to follow.]
What I found most remarkable about the catcall diary is that she is careful to record what she's wearing when she's harassed on the street. While it's true that short skirts can sometimes bring a different type of harassment, I find that I get unwelcome attention even if I'm wearing dirty jeans and a bulky winter coat. But I suppose it's nice for those who don't regularly experience street harassment (i.e. men) to read and take note that a short skirt and low-cut top do not necessarily correlate with catcalls. (In fact, it seemed like the subtext of the diary was: Hey guys, this is what it's like to walk outside as a woman.) The male writer seems shocked by this. In his piece, he writes,
I am leaving the Chinatown Metro station when I see a blond woman standing well over 6 feet in platform heels. Her tight black dress hangs inches below her ass and drops deep in the front, exposing a good portion of breasts that are surprisingly large for her rail-thin body. Catcall bait for sure. I step in behind her as she walks.
Isn't his tone disgusting? It's as if he wants to find a slobbering harasser to channel what he wishes he could shout at this woman. And he's then astonished when no one -- not homeless men, not construction workers, not dudes in power suits, not young men at the bus stop -- calls out to her.
The male-perspective piece began like this,
It’s early evening in Adams Morgan, and I’m tracking a nice ass in a pair of bluejeans as it glides down the Columbia Road sidewalk. I’m matching its pace, keeping my distance, 15 steps or so behind, so I can watch, so no one notices I’m watching.
Ew. Set aside for a moment Intrepid Reporter Joe's totally disgusting, sexist language. Turns out that nice, disembodied ass actually belongs to the woman who penned the other two pieces, Kimberly Klinger. He's following her to observe just how much shit women take for daring to walk down the street alone. And then he has some man-to-man chats with catcallers. The patronizing attitude of the guys he interviews is quite telling. A sampling:
“It depends on what she looks like,� adds Daniel Smallwood, a 16-year-old in a red polo shirt and a visor turned backward. “If she’s a slut, you have to treat her like a slut. If she’s not, I say, ‘How you doing young lady?’ Everybody says ‘baby’ or ‘shorty.’ I say ‘young lady.’�
And:
“Yeah, I always do it,� says Contreras [a proud street harasser]. He is happy to explain the process. “What I do is I ask how is their day. I ask to help with their bags. I give a nice compliment to her. I say, ‘You are beautiful. Can I get to know you?’� [...]I ask him about Klinger, the fastball he just whiffed. He’s excited to talk about that, too. “It’s tough in D.C.,� he says. “Especially with white girls. They are stuck up, man. Bitches.�
Contreras thinks it is bad form for women like Klinger to walk by without acknowledging a compliment, to just ignore you like you aren’t even there. It pisses him off. “At least wink at me or wave back,� he says. “Giggle or something. Don’t walk past like you didn’t hear me.� He says it’s different in Texas. He says white women there are crazy about Hispanic guys and yes, they do respond to catcalls.
(Back to the race thing in a second.) Intrepid Reporter Joe's next question is not, "Have you considered that most women, regardless of their race, do not enjoy being hit on as they walk from point A to point B?" Instead, he asks, rhetorically,
So why the hell do you take Columbia Road home and why live in Mount Pleasant, anyway, if you can’t tolerate a few catcalls?
Maybe because it's the fastest route to my apartment, you asshole!? Intrepid Reporter Joe is not quite at the point yet where his reptilian brain can handle the idea that maybe it's men's responsibility to keep their traps shut; that they don't have a right to yell at every passing woman about her body.
Then he writes, "Klinger knows the argument about how catcalling is part of Hispanic culture and how she shouldn’t impose her values on others." I'm sorry, but men of all cultures harass women. And women of all colors are on the receiving end of harassment. In her essay, Klinger writes,
White men don't do this to me with the same frequency, so when I pass a group of them on the street, I don't clench my jaw, tense up, and walk faster. But when I pass Latino men, I assume the worst. Black men, too, sometimes, since after Latino men, they harass me the most. Hell, if you're at all brown, I'm gonna get worried. So I have this conflict every damn day.
Wow. So is this just honest, or totally racist, or both? I can say that, while I've most definitely been harassed by men of all ages and races, I feel like I receive more harassment from men of color on the street, and more harassment from white men in bars. Is it racist of me to speak to my experience, that street harassment directed toward me is more likely to come from men of color? I don't think it is. (But I do think there's a discussion to be had here.) But I do think it's racist to make general statements that Latino and black men are harassers and white men are not. I like the statement from this site:
Different people may find themselves harassed more by different people, depending on where they live and specifics of their community. Sometimes some groups of people are outside and in the streets more often then other groups. Think before generalizing.
The folks at Hollaback are sensitive to the race issue, and have an antiracism statement on their site. The one time I submitted a cellphone photo of some guys who had harassed me on the street, they informed me that there might be a wait to see my incident appear on their blog, as they make a conscious effort to publish photos of street harassers of all races. And they explicitly ask that submissions not mention race unless it is somehow relevant to the incident of harassment.
A DC street harassment blogger writes,
I came home Saturday feeling hurt, frustrated and just plain angry at the mess I deal with on the streets. I went to the neighborhood I used to live in, Petworth, to check out Domku and Flip It (the former is a sleek restaurant and the latter a sweet bakery...check them out). I had my path blocked by these men, was followed, had men stopping in the middle of the road trying to talk to me, beeping their horns so loudly that I jumped, had men coming too daggone close on the sidewalk, and calling me names such as "shorty," "baby," and other stupid nonsense. The thing that bothers me the most about Saturday's ordeal with the men on the streets is that all of my harassers were black. It upsets me, makes no sense, and had me getting on the Internet to try to find answers. Why do so many Black men do this mess to me, a Black female, on the streets?
Klinger's piece doesn't even begin to do this issue justice. The intersection of race and harassment is a big and complicated issue -- not exactly manageable subject matter for just three paragraphs in a flip essay. Which is also why I'm not a huge fan of Jezebel's take on these three City Paper pieces:
Which is to say, it's what, at most five seconds of discomfort for a lifetime of funny stories? We have fucked dudes to achieve the same result!
Ok, I'll bite and play humorless feminist on this one. I, for one, don't particularly like it when a strange man on the street grabs my elbow and says, "There's a nice pussy." (True story. Shudder.) While I do sort of keep a mental catalog of, shall we say, most original cat-calls I've received ("I'd climb that tree!"), their cumulative effect is much greater than five seconds of discomfort a day. It's a reality of life that affects how I dress, where I walk, how safe I feel. Which is to say it's usually not very hilarious.
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Wow the whole, "why is she there if she can't take it" thing sounds an awful lot like "why was she wearing that if she didn't want it" excuse for rape. They published this? I'm going to go puke now.
I never know what the appropriate response is to street harassment. I was walking across a plaza in the city the other day, and heard a "hey baybee," which I ignored - mostly because it didn't occur to me that it was addressed to me, but also because that would have been my response had I realized it was directed at me.
The next thing I heard was "Are you pregnant? Or are you just FAT?" Now, it happens that I am visibly pregnant, and it was clear to me that the "fat" comment was meant as punishment for ignoring him. I continued on my way and didn't respond, but I couldn't shake the feeling that my response was inappropriate somehow. And that feeling stuck with me. Still has, a bit. I wonder if that same guy is going to be there every time I walk across the plaza now. It kind of sucks.
I've lived in various parts of DC for a few months and I've gotta say I've experienced more street harassment here than in any other city, don't know what's up with that... And I agree the original article is shitty... even the cover of the paper, just shitty...
i'm home with strep today and actually forced myself out of bed to go get orange juice. i'm on the corner when a truck drives by and i hear kissy noises directed at me. i immediately flipped him the bird and then crossed the street wishing i had instead spat my germed spit in his face. asshole.
Just for curiosity, can we all post a quick blurb about the most disconcerting harassment we've ever gotten, and then the most benign street harassment? I'm just curious... I'll start.
WORST: I was walking home late last night and a drunk guy who asked to walk me home grabbed my arm and would let it go. I protested for awhile and then finally told him to fuck off (much to my relief he let me go w/o a fight). A close second might be the 50 yr-old guy who tried to argue me into going on a date with him at a bus stop, using lots of explicit sexual detail. Of course I've gotten "whore" "bitch" "$20 baby" all that too.
more benign: It didn't make me smile, but I didn't mind it that much either. I was walking down the street and the guy across the street yelled "You've got beautiful eyes" and then just kept going. Also the other day an old guy was like "you shouldn't walk on those legs, you might ruin them". A little annoying maybe, but I did think it was kinda funny.
I conclude that street harassment is the worst in my view when someone is insulting and/or persistant.
I've also lived in various parts of DC - including Mt. Pleasant - and in my experience this kind of racist talk about street harassment has been increasing. I've heard descriptions of Latinos "loitering" and "harassing" and more - but I didn't see so much of that. It seems like street harassment in DC is turning into racist code language that has as much to do with people's discomfort in non-white-dominated areas as anything else. Which is why pieces like this don't bother to focus on any women's experiences, any feminist critique, or any recommendations about how to fight street harassment. And for the record - street harassment was worse in Georgetown, in my experience.
Great post, Ann. I'd just like to add that, along with catcalls and obnoxious shouts for attention, men who stare and "rubberneck" absolutely set me over the edge. I know it's not quite as bad as being verbally harassed, but it's extremely uncomfortable just the same.
i've seen so many hot dogs in the subway you could open an Oscar Mayer factory in the 5 boroughs.
cindyliz,
I also am not a proponent of using street harassment as a forum for racist discussion. However, I lived in PG Plaza and have got to say that I received far more frequent harassment there (from primarily latino immigrants) than I have at anytime in my life, like, anywhere. My three female roommates all said the same thing. And truth be told, modern Mexican culture does tend to be extremely macho. Plenty of latinas will agree. I agree that street harassment period should be the focus of discussions on street harassment, but don't just assume that any woman saying they get harassed more by people of a certain group/culture are just being racist.
I can't fucking stand street harassment. And I am not at all desensitized to it because for the most part when I leave the house it's with my large Scottish-descended fiance. There was a time period of six months where every time I left the house without him I got cat called at least once. It made me want to wear bulky sweatshirts and just put my head down all the time. I want to flip them off but I just ignore them because honestly, who knows when one of them might turn out to be a total psycho? And it doesn't seem to matter what I wear at all. I'll wear an ankle length hippie skirt and t-shirt and get it, or jeans or any number of things. I tend to think the ones who actually give me compliments ("Hey, that's a really pretty skirt" as we pass each other) are fairly harmless though it still makes me uncomfortable. But the whistling and "hey babys" really get to me for some reason.
I'm not trying to be racist, but I have to say, most of the harassment I've received is from Hispanic men. According to my stepsister, who's travelled extensively through Latin & South America, it's more common for ment to shout shit at women, so I guess it's cultural.
Either way, it's not cool. I just got a camera-phone & I plan on snapping the next street harasser & sending his ugly mug to HollabackNYC.
Worst/scariest: "You're fucking dead." (I had never seen these men before, I crossed at the green light when all traffic was stopped and had not crossed any driveways since then, so I could not have been engaging in 'bad pedestrian behavior' and the guy who yelled, the passenger, stuck his head out of the window and turned it so he could continue yelling as the car drove by. Had my ipod in, so it took a while for it to sink in.)
Best/funniest: "I love you, punky brewster!" (HS kid.)
Occasionally, I get a guy trying to get me into his car, which I find frightening. I also hate HATE HAAAAATE men who insist that you smile for them on the sidewalk. And I want to destroy every idiotic frat dude is ever shouted at me from a car. Interestingly, a male friend of mine gets it once in a while from men which includes a very disturbing episode in a Target bathroom.
one of my favorite recent threads on the topic:
http://williamsboard.com/topic/38898/&r=125
it gets even funnier when one of the guys jokingly asks, "sheesh, what noises do we have to make to get a stranger to sleep with us?" The answers include, "hubba hubba!" "Heavens to Betsy!" and, "boop-boop-boop reversing noises while walking backwards to look at me again."
Keep in mind, lots of us are so immune to it at this point that we don't even give it a seond thought. they're gonna have to be more clever than a "HISSSSSSSSSSSSSS," kissy sounds, or "you got a minute?" for us to even notice their existence.
one that did make me laugh once, a very smooth, "don't break too many hearts tonight." also, the other week when my bf and I were walking, this guy walked past and said, "you're the LUCKY guy." I turned to my bf and said, "why yes you are!!"
Hum, I agree with Nina. Street harassment takes on a whole new area of scary when they're stalking you from behind, following you for a few blocks... and that's even before we get to what they like to say during it all.
The part I hated the most is where that 16yo kid actually got offended when a stranger refused to acknowledge his presence. What is up with that? How is just being out in public, a valid reason for this guy to size you up and insist upon having some of your time and attention?
I remember the first time I got catcalled. I was 12 and walking to CVS with my friend. We were wearing huge winter jackets. A latino man, probably around 50, whistled and stared as he passed. I felt disgusted and bewildered, especially because I was only a 12 year old girl. It made me afraid to leave my house, since this happened on my street. I don't see how this can be taken so lightly by males AND females. When I got flashed on my way to school when I was 15, my mom was comforting but told me, frankly, that it's something that all women have to deal with. She told me stories about men masturbating on the DC metro into her jacket (it has happened to her twice). I'm in college now, and walk everywhere, so I'm even more wary of street harassment. Just yesterday on my way back from class, a guy called me "shorty" and asked my name. I told him I didn't have to give him my name and walked quickly away. I could hear him say "Damn, all I wanted to make was small talk" as if I was OBLIGATED to be nice to him. I swear, the next asshole that tries to "compliment" me while I'm walking, I'll give him an ear full.
Check out "Back Off! How to Confront and Stop Sexual Harassment." Great, practical, helpful book for women.
pretty convoluted, confused post. i'd suggest a little more consideration before pulling the trigger next time.
my anecdotal experience has been that darker girls (black, brown) get harassed a lot more than white girls. not sure if that's true or not, but has seemed like it to me. i feel like men just think that darker (non-white) women will either be more accepting of the abuse b/c of the whole hip-hop culture thing, or maybe because minority women just have less rights than white women, so will have less power to fight back in any number of ways.
i was shocked to see a black, uniformed UPS guy in DC, in broad daylight, mackin/catcalling on some honey in broad daylight. I remember thinking, 'wtf' - like, astonished. i thought UPS was better than that, somehow. did it matter to the story that the dude was black? no idea now, but i felt like it was important at the time - not sure why now - maybe because she was black and if it was a white girl I can't imagine a black UPS driver harassing a white girl in broad daylight - just wouldn't happen. but there's a whole new standard applied to non-white girls - they're fair game for some reason.
and i've seen dirty cops of all colors catcalling and all sorts of stuff to all kinds of girls. fd: i hate cops.
I was walking back to my office after lunch today and a really old man (I mean, wizened, toothless and walking with a cane) grabbed my arm, gave me a really obvious once over then licked his lips and said "you're a bit of all right, aren't you?". Depressing to know they don't grow out of it.
Interesting. I think about this issue everyday, as in my neighborhood (I am not exaggerating) I get harassed every five seconds on average, no matter what I wear and despite the fact that I am of average looks. It's usually pretty harmless- leering and honking, but some are nasty and it happens so often I get progressively more annoyed. Plus, I have anxiety and the surprise of the honking or shouting has often scared the wits out of me. I really don't know what to do or say about it.
In response to some of the previous comments, I guess the more charming ones are when the attitudes are non-threatening. A non-aggressive, self-pitying "will you marry me?" has made me smile. The scariest time was actually when I was twelve, in Italy, and two men wouldn't stop following my friend and me for almost an hour, making lewd gestures and saying god knows what (we ended up running through some streets and alleys, making unexpected turns, to "lose them," because loitering by the policemen for half and hour didn't deter these assholes - stupid, I know, but we had to meet our mothers).
I wish I knew what to say or do about the issue. And that article you quotes was extremely offensive.
I was filling up gas in a gigantic red sweatshirt, baggy jeans, and sandals. I wasn't in a bikini dry humping my car and using the gas pump as a whip, so I guess my shock was justified when a man in a bright gold Jeep Cherokee with pumping rap music pulls up next to my parked car, rolls down the window and screams out, "WHAT'S HAPPENIN', BITCH?" I gave him the dirtiest look I could, ignored him, finished pumping gas, got into my car and sped off. It wasn't until I was safely away I burst into laughter because it reminded me of the "Holla" guy on the Chappelle Show. Then I had a seriously existential "Am I feminist without humor?" moment because I found the Holla guy annoying and mildly funny...*on tv*. Some of the most notorious comedic sexists (Zapp Brannigan from Futurama comes to mind) are my favorite to watch as long as I believe they are fictional satires of ways human beings never should be. Then I go for a walk in the city and that fragile belief is shattered quickly.
Adam's Morgan is by far one of the most harasser-dense areas I have ever been to. At night, men reach out and grab your ass, your arms, and pinch you constantly. Because the streets and sidewalks are so crowded, you can't even confront or see your harasser. It's horrible!
Ninapendamaishi,
I didn't mean to imply that women weren't experiencing street harassment (from any and all races), or to invalidate others' experiences. But for many people, and the media in particular, street harassment is rarely brought up, and usually seems a cover for racist fears about integration and white women walking the streets unsupervised. And I see that discourse happening more and more in DC.
I will never forget my first week of college when I was walking from my dorm to the gym to work out when I had a would-be street harasser staring at me in the most obvious way, and about to make a comment to me when he walked into a parking meter. I couldn't stop laughing. Served him right!
From the original article, about the 16 year old - who the hell does he think he is to call someone a young lady? Young lady sounds like my parents scolding me when I was 12 - 16 year olds do NOT get to call me "young lady" under ANY circumstances (nor do they get to call me or treat me like a "slut" but that should go without saying).
This is so timely, my boyfriend and I were just talking about it the other day. We often run together, but I was getting ready to go out by myself and mentioned that I wasn't going to run by the local (popular and crowded) beach because he wouldn't be there and I just didn't need the harassment that day. He couldn't believe it actually happened (probably because I look like a hideous purple-faced beast when I exercise) and then I realized just how often it does - and the shit I do to avoid it.
My worst one - one that really stuck with me - happened by a construction site at breaktime (I know). One leering guy leans over to his buddy and loudly says "I'd fuck that bitch. I know you wouldn't fuck her ugly ass, but I'd do it". I think the reason it was so awful is that it removed me from the whole conversation - like normally I would tell someone to fuck off or whatever, but it's like I wasn't even there. Gives me the creeps, and the rages.
I've been cat called twice in LA, both by latino men. The first time I was walking home from the subway when the sun was setting and when I was a few blocks away this car starts cruisin me. The guy pulls up and asks me if I want a ride and I tell him no. He doesn't go away just keeps tailin me for another block and asks me again. Again I say NO and this time he pulls him front and turns right and I worry that he's going to block my path at the crosswalk. He doesn't he just keeps going , making me think he's going to come around again so I took off running until I got to my apartment.
The next time I was walking to the grocery store which is a block away and this kid on a bike rushes past me and I hear "oooh, pussy" as he passes by, looking back at me. I will admit that had I known he was going to do that I would have accidentally deliberately kicked his ass off that bike instead of moving to the side to give him room. It might not have been the best thing to do but I wished I could have done it.
Though when I've been home in MO I've had a few black men "roll up" on me. Most memorably when I was washing my car and I was dressed in the worst possible get up (I was washing my freakin' car) and I saw them drive past and pull around and come back (hence my fear years later) and tried to "holla" at me. It was pathetic but I was polite and lied about my name and where I was from.
It can be scary and mostly it's a pain in the ass, I and echo the fears commented earlier that you want to fight back but are afraid of what men will do in retaliation.
I remember once being "hit on" as they say, by a male. Now, I'm no Brad Pitt or... uh... Gregory Peck, so I'm not used to that type of thing. When it happened it made me feel absolutely terrible. It may have been a fleeting encounter but it was enough to ruin my mood. I felt less like an individual and more like an object. I wasn't disgusted because it was a male, I would have felt the same way if it was a female who said the same things to me. I soon began to realize something. Women have to deal with that type of thing nearly every day!
After realizing that, I felt even worse. I felt disgusted at how society treats women because I had experienced a small taste of what they had to deal with. It made me glad that I've never done the same thing, only I never did it because I was shy. Now, I don't do it because it is dehumanizing.
Worst: (race card) I used to have black guys of verying ages come up to me to "talk." Usually while I was very clearly on my way some where, walking through the mall or whatever. They had a tendency to stand way inside my personal space bubble, and got really huffy if I walked on with a mumbled "gotta go." As if I were obligated to stop and talk with them so they could pay me a compliment. I guess it's a cultural thing, (I'm white).
The most entertaining/non-threatening: I was in NYC for the first time, walking towards the statue of liberty with my mom. I was probably 15 or 16. We were at a traffic light and one guy half way runs the light, almost getting broadsided by a guy in a delivery truck. The driver of the truck sticks his head out the window, looks straight at my mom and me, then looks at the driver of the car, still stopped in the middle of the road. Then in pure Brooklyn, hollers, "Hey! You should be watching the road not looking at the beautiful women!"
Ah, New York.
it all makes me so angry. However it's intended, it comes over as inherently threatening, and I'm never sure if that's unintentional, or if that's the whole point. Fact is, 99% of the guys I walk past on my way home are harmless. But I have no way of telling if the guy yelling at me is part of the majority, or one of the 1%... I don't care if they think it's a compliment, I should be able to walk home without having to deal with this shit.
This is so timely, my boyfriend and I were just talking about it the other day.
Hey, us too!
I was in disbelief and pumping him for an explanation as to why I might have been harassed 4 times in the 4 blocks I had just walked to the Stop-N-Rob and back.
The puzzler to me was that I had not combed my hair at all, was wearing clothes selected solely on the basis of their comfort and propinquity to the bed, and was enduring vicious, bloating diarrhea at the time.
Worst: Guy sitting next to me on a Greyhound bus puts his coat on his lap and it slightly overlaps my knee. Proceeds to put his hand on my knee under the coat for about 15 minutes. This was when I was much younger and timid, and I just let it sit there uncomfortably. What the hell was I thinking? I've received much more offensive catcalls in my life, but this one bugs me because I was too cowed to respond appropriately, and he totally got away with it.
Entertaining: I found myself committing a catcall one time. I was on my bike and had passed this guy jogging in the bike lane. I stopped at a red light and he passed me when traffic let up. The light took a long time to turn green. When I finally caught up to him again, it was quite far down the road, and I felt compelled for some reason to yell "Wow, you're fast!" as I whizzed by.
That episode may or may not have crossed the line between friendly and harrassment. I don't know. But in retrospect, if it had been some stranger yelling at me from a faster-moving vehicle, I would have considered it a catcall. It was weird being on that end of things. I'm never going to do it again.
Most disconcerting harrassment? Oh there are several that are about equal to me. Starting when I was 17, in Boston, walking down the street with two girfriends. Two guys slowed down in their car and scoped us out, then parked, got out and began to follow us. "what's your name? Where are you going? Where do you live?" We walked, crossing the street, taking random turns, anything we could to drop them, but they followed us until we came upon a taxi at a stop light and jumped in.
Another scary one, in London: I can't remember what the guy said to us, but my flatmate and I were walking home late at night. After we ingored him, he managed to follow us and see what building we went into, and then spent the next 1/2 hour or so pounding on the door of our building, screaming for us to let him in.
There were lots of scary ones in London. Men yelling at me to get into their cars, demanding it really. Following me for blocks, saying the most disgusting things. I quickly learned all the places that I could easily duck into to get away from them, got to know the people working there so that I could trust them to help me if I needed it, got to know the bouncer at the club up the street so that we could go get protection from him when men tried to follow us home.
Now I live in Seattle and I haven't had nearly as bad stuff happen, but cat calls frequently, lots of "hey beautiful" and "smile for me." One very drunk man trying to got grabby and tried to get my friend or me to get into a cab with him. We were outside a club, with tons of other people around and no one said anything to him.
I can't remember one humorous one. Is it ever humorous to be harassed?
Reading this thread, I find myself embarrassed to be a man. I just don’t get the whole cat-call thing. I guess it is a cultural thing (blaming it on race is simply inane).
"Just for curiosity, can we all post a quick blurb about the most disconcerting harassment we've ever gotten, and then the most benign street harassment? I'm just curious... I'll start."
The closest I've received to street harassment was "You have nice legs" in a semi-quiet tone of voice. So that's my entry for worst.
These comments about what we're wearing when we're harrassed (ugly clothes, messy hair, bloated pimply face, etc.) just show that it's not about "admiring beauty" or "being overwhelmed with biological sexual urges" or other ridiculous excuses. It's the same old power and control motivations behind rape, belittlement, and objectification.
Read this today on the Red Line on the way into work in Pretentia, er, Farragut North, and was thinking all the while, "Feministing is going to unload on this."
An interesting fact about Washington is that blue-collar white people are almost non-existent here. Unlike in fairly nearby Baltimore, you just don't see broke-ass white people inside the Washington Beltway, period. You want to find a redneck bar or Archie Bunker bar, you pretty much have to go 15-20 miles almost halfway to Baltimore up Route 1 to Randy's California Inn in north Laurel, where they've got a Hank Williams' "If the South woulda won the War, we would have had it made" Confederate Flag on the wall. Point is, if catcalling is blue collar courting, aggression or both, you won't likely see a bunch of white lawyers doing it on the street. They will be committing more well-planned sexual harassment not of strangers but of subordinates and even colleagues, inside. (Sexual harassment is theoretically disbarrable in DC, I rule I respect; in my mind, it's worse than putting slugs in a parking meter and they disbarred for that in Maryland once.)
The worst was when I was younger (like jr. high) and high school kids would yell crap like "wanna fuck that albino bitch?" from their cars. Granted that I'm very white, I was not prepared to deal with any of the ramiofications of a statement like that when I was 12. I still have a lot of conflicting feelings about the intersections of race and street harassment, BUT I have been groped and verbally harassed in much more explicit ways by white men than anyone else, which convinces me that not only do men of all races harass, the power dynamics are such that I am in no more physical danger from men of color, and probably less.
Best feeling ever: my sister and I were walking down Sunset strip in LA to a concert when a guy hanging out at the entrace to a club reached out and grabbed her ass. It was a crowd, but I was directly behind her so I grabbed his wrist and shoved it so that his elbow went directly into his groin (he was actually leaning over to reach), and told him to keep his hands off. The bouncer saw, I think, because he smiled and nodded approvingly as we passed. The dude looked like he was gonna puke.
So it is not ok to point out that around my house (a mostly white suburb) I have almost exclusively been harassed by latino men? Its true. Its especially creepy because there are a lot of latino men living around the local junior high where my sister just graduated from, and these guys tend to harass the 6th-8th graders! Its so gross, they aren't even old enough to consent to sex.
White men probably don't have to harass us on the street, they can screw women in so many other ways.
Interestingly enough, when I was in Chicago, I was harassed far less than when I am home in the suburbs. I don't know if those men had other people to harass, or they just had better things to do.
My scariest instances of street harassment: In high school, a group of black guys started chasing me across campus, chucking ice & lollipops at me (It was wintertime), & threatening to rape me. I ended up running to the library, calling my mom who called the cops, & spent the rest of the afternoon behind the librarian's desk b/c I was scared the guys would come for me.
*Second worst: There's a church near the library I go to. I've had to totally change my route to avoid walking past the church b/c of how much harassment I was getting. Mostly, it was crazy homeless guys threatening to rape me & asking what white pussy was like.
I haven't really thought of the "how you doin' shorty?" bullshit as catcalling before. I always felt obligated to smile or nod my head in acknowledgment, because just ignoring the comments made me feel bitchy...or maybe the fact that ignoring them usually prompts the harrasser to call me a bitch has something to do with it.
Oddly enough, I've been talking about this a lot with my boyfriend recently, too. A lot of men just don't seem to be aware that it happens, or that it goes beyond construction workers whistling or something - he knew about, for example, Japan's problems with subway groping, but was astonished to hear that I've had the same thing happen here, more than once, on the DC Metro. It seems like a lot of guys think that incidents like that are isolated, freak occurrances, instead of being nonstop daily reality for a lot of women. Some of that may be due to the fact that at least in my experience, you get a lot less harassment if you're accompanied by a man, so they just don't see it as often.
Worst episodes I've experienced? Well, the dudes rubbing their crotches on my ass when the Metro is crowded definitely skeeve me out, but lately the creepiest thing happened at my favorite bar. There was this dude who was playing Creepy McGrabberson with all the women in the bar, who tried to force me to get up and dance with him, and when I refused, put out his hand like he was going to pat my shoulder in sort of an "oh, okay" fashion, but instead, grabbed my breast briefly, and then just turned and walked away. I think it was the walking away that made it even creepier - it was like he was saying "I can do this to you, and I don't even have to wait for your reaction".
I haven't noticed a racial imbalance in the population of harassers, though - I live in Mt Pleasant, and while I do get more harassment there from black and Latino men, I think that has more to do with the makeup of the neighborhood than anything else - I get catcalled and grabbed by white fratboy types in Adams Morgan, and both times that I've had some guy rubbing his crotch on me on the Metro, it's been a middle-aged white guy in a suit.
I just wish I could be more forthright about telling harassers to back off - when they guy in the bar grabbed my tit, I just sort of stared at him stupidly as he walked away. It doesn't even occur to me to react until later, because it's just so common - and that really pisses me off.
Ack, sorry for the novel - this subject is just sort of on my mind a lot lately.
I live in a very diverse community and have to admit that I've been catcalled by men of every color under the sun. I have noticed that white boys tend to utilize the holla' from the car method more often than anybody else.
What a stupid fucking article by the guy:
"Contreras is a nice guy who seems to have an incredible, almost insatiable attraction to women. The way he describes it, he’s like a Boy Scout, on the lookout to help any woman with anything she needs, to make her life more comfortable, maybe to pick her up in the process. The catcall is one of his tools."
Such complete bullshit.
It's the long stares that make me most uncomfortable. I can pretend not to hear things called out to me with my ipod on (though this week I had a guy yell "Miss" louder and louder before finally jumping in front of me while I was walking down a busy street, pretending not to hear).
It's really not about race or ethnicity. It isn't about some ethnicities harassing more than others. It's about power and domination. Men of all races harass, and women of all races are harassed. When men of one race harass a women of another, there's a whole other system at play than male-oppressor / female oppressed. And that isn't specific to any race or races, that's endemic to the whole dynamic of race.
Women who've shared experiences of being harassed by men of a certain (other) race aren't wrong in their perceptions. Yes, they were being harassed by men who were Latino (or Black, or Italian....). But the fact that they were Latino or Black or Italian isn't why they harass, it's because they're MEN.
Okay, I'm calling bullshit on that one dude from Texas. I'm a woman in Texas, and we don't respond to catcalls with a warm smile and a flirty giggle, and I am mildly put off by the assertion that all us white bitches love Mexican dudes. I am sure plenty of white women down here date Mexican men, but then again, interracial relationships aren't uncommon anymore, even here in the Deep South.
Probably the worst run-in I ever had was when I was like 14 or 15. I was walking to a restaurant to meet some friends and some dudes in their car were waiting to turn out on to the main street and the guy in the pasenger's seat was all, "Hey baby let me get your number." Of course I was shy and socially awkward and I sort of mumbled no, and he got all pissed. I remember exactly, he said, "Oh I see, you don't like black men!" I stammered something along the lines of, "No, I don't talk to strange men in crappy cars." And then I had to walk IN FRONT OF THEIR CAR to cross the street. I was mortified. Other than that, I haven't had any really serious run-ins. I used to hate walking to school though, because they were developing two big empty lots across the street, so I couldn't make the trip without getting some "hollas" from the construction workers. And the occasional honk or whistle from a passing car.
Y'all, so ridiculous. I was like, this fat, dumpy white girl with bad hair who wore baggy jeans and black t-shirts during my whole high school career. I think they were doing it just to fuck with me. Anyway, I'm glad I have a car now.
I think the scariest time was when I was about 16-17 and was out running by the river. Some creepy old dude (at least mid-30s) pulls up in a crappy vehicle and tells me that he has been "watching me" while I run and wants to "get together". Creepy creepy creepy.
Today I was walking the puppy and was feeling pretty good (esp since no comments so far) and some young fellow yells "Sluts!" out of the window of his van. It was interesting that he used the plural, b/c it means that he was calling both me and my dog a slut.
Another time: Walking along at our local frat row and a couple guys sitting in front of one of the houses started asking us if we wanted to come in and party. We kept walking, at which point one of them said "Damn, she's a fat ass" (I think he was referring to me...I'm a slender girl, but have a big booty). Nice.
I agree that Klinger's piece is poorly written, but she dumps the racist stuff at least halfway in and starts writing about serious issues -- the actual dynamics behind harassment.
Well, Klinger is a woman of color. I actually think that the fact that she is harassed by black men and not by white men is somewhat intriguing, especially considering the supposed power dynamics of white men thinking they're entitled to the bodies of black women. Nevertheless, to me, the gist of the article is more along the lines of asking why black and Latino men seem to participate in street harassment so disproportionately.
She makes it clear that she doesn't like feeling this way. I frequently feel that way as well. When I was younger and stupider, I might tense up when passing a black guy because of a dumb fear of crime. Now I tense up because of a fear of harassment. The thing is, while I've never been the victim of a crime, I have been the victim of harassment many times -- almost exclusively at the hands of black and Latino men.
There are serious questions that can be asked about what cultural factors influence street harassment and how that can be addressed. I doubt the personal experiences of most women (who I know anyway) count for nothing. The fact is that any woman who lives in an urban environment has to deal with this. The anecdotal evidence seems to point to black and Latino men being overrepresented among street harassers*. Why is this and what can be done about it?
*And when I say disproportionate, I mean disproportionate in relation to the surrounding community. For example, Klinger claims that she's usually harassed by Latino men, but what is the actual percentage of Latinos in Washington, D.C.? Dollars over donuts that it's a hell of a lot lower than the percentage of African Americans.
Why not? The days of black men being lynched for the crime of just looking at white women are over.
I've been harassed by black men many, many times in broad daylight and late at night. I don't know if women of color are harassed more often, but harassers rarely seem to discriminate.
Which actually reminds me of my worst harassment story:
I was walking along the north side of Washington Square and a guy started laughing, making grunting noises and such. He then blocked my path and refused to let me pass. He was backed up by his buddies as well. The most frustrating thing for me is the memory of my doing nothing about it. I just kept my head down and hoped it would be over soon. I wish I had kicked him in the nuts.
I was trying to think of specific instances, but it's all so frequent it blurs together in my mind. I get told I have "joshing" lips (blowjob). I hate the random "accidental" gropings. I won't go out dancing due to the frequency of hard-ons pressed against me. But I agree with the poster who said the worst is the unapologetic leering.
I wanted to mention an experience of my friend. A very happy young man ran up to her and briefly tickled her crotch, singing "deedledeedledee!" and then skipped off. I was horrified to hear it, but she said it wasn't as disturbing as much as simply confusing, as it was so offensive and yet weirdly funny.
Oh, another thing. I go to school at a military graduate /medical school in the DC area, and currently we are under-going some seemingly neverending renovation project. The men who are working on this project regularly leer at the women who attend the school (even though most of us are in uniform). I've noticed it less frequently recently...maybe enough people complained and someone in admin had a "chat" with the contractor.
funny, sort of - about midway through my run I was taking a walk break, sweaty, out of breath, bright red face, frizzy/stringy hair, grungy shorts @ 7 am and this kid looks me up and down and says "sexy!" I lost it and started yelling at him asking what right he had to talk to strangers like that? what would his mother think? etc, he sputtered and said sorry, obviously embarrassed.
I live in a slightly rundown part of downtown Jax, fl - most of the catcalls I get in the hood are creepy, typically you get hit up for money first creepiest - the guy asked if he could have some of the chips I was eating (low blood sugar walking back from the grocery) I said no, then he asked if he could "have" me - ewwww. And yeah, in general I'm tired of the why did you go there/wear that excuse as I am with the men in my life - friends, partners, dad, brother, who don't get how demoralizing it can be. Like when I complained about all the harrassment in Italy and I get the "comes with the territory" type responses. gross.
Bad in Pittsburgh? Really? I also live in Pittsburgh, and when I come home, it's a relief to be AWAY from all the cat-calling. Not saying it doesn't happen at night on Carson St with all those bars (it does), but it is nothing NOTHING compared to school.
At school, I live in Waltham, MA, a suburb of Boston, and walk about a mile to campus whenever the weather isn't acting like..well, Boston. I cannot get through a day without 2, 3, 5 cat calls. I usually flip everyone off, but that just makes me so angry and distressed by the time I get to class, I don't even want to walk to campus the next day. It really bugs me when it's gorgeous out. Ruins a beautiful day.
Speaking of random guys saying strange things...
Once in Philadelphia, when I was stepping out of a subway station, some guy came up to me and asked what "mazel tov" meant. I said "congratulations, I think" and he congratulated me.
Another time in the library some other random guy asked me if I was Jewish. I just asked "uh, why?", and he said he wanted to know more about Judaism (so I said I was no expert and he should call a synagogue or ask a librarian).
So now I'm wondering, how often is street harassment anti-Semitic (no matter if the victim actually is Jewish and/or Semitic or just "looks Jewish" like I do)?
Oh! And! Nothing compared to the cat calls my roommate's friend would receive with her long (to the ass) blonde hair.
Or the time I went for a walk at 9 am on a Saturday and some guy wanted to give me a ride....
Or the most enjoyable cat call for me was when my guy was visiting me @ school and we were walking back from lunch. I popped into a convenience store and he went on ahead, so I walked the last 3 blocks. 3. alone.
From across the street some guy with a group of his friends (one was a woman) started whistling. I didn't look over, and he shouted "Hey sweetheart, get your ears cleaned!" I turned around and shouted "Fuck off!" The guy looked embarrassed. The woman started clapping.
And...breathe...I'm done now.
I can't stop. I'm sorry. I need to vent.
When I was in JR high, I used to like being cat called, (oh, silly days before feminism) until the creepiest one ever. Walking home from my bus stop in seventh grade...thats 12 years old...wearing a big poofy winter coat and some 18 or 20 year old guy drives by, puts his fingers over his mouth in the shape of a V and licks in between. 12. I felt dirty for weeks.
I think whoever mentioned class issues was on the money. I have been grabbed at and harassed by wealthier men, but that was either on Bourbon Street in New Orleans, or when they are safe in a car. It's far more common for me to be harassed by working class men. In DC, it has been primarily hispanics when I was in the hispanic neighborhood, when I was in south Chicago, it was primarily black men, and when I am at home in the rural midwest, it's white boys.
I think there may be some cultural trend, especially among latin American men, but I don't think this predisposes me to biases (like, I've met and been friends with some really sweet Latino men. doesn't mean there isn't some sort of a cultural trend)
That's not to say that wealthier or more priviliged men don't harass or control women, but I think they do it in less widely visible ways. (like in elevators. or like the fact that prostitutes in DC are paid higher than anywhere else on the east coast.)
I have never understood why some men think it's okay to yell at and make crude remarks towards complete strangers on the street. I've gotten catcalls since I started walking to middle school when I was 11. It was creepy - men older than my father were yelling and leering at my friends and I. I've gotten it from younger guys too though. When I was 16, I was walking along the beach in my bathing suit (crowded beach, lots of families) and passed these adolescent boys who yelled, "Show us your tits!" I mean, honestly. Do they expect to get some kind of reaction out of this? I just ignored them, but I didn't know what else to do. Now, I would've given them a piece of my mind, but eh, I was more timid then.
I belly dance, and every year my troupe dances in the Christmas parade, and we get tons of catcallers. One guy yelled at me, "girl, if you were breakfast, I'd eat you everyday - I'd be fat offa you!" which was kind of funny in how ridiculous it was, but still disgusting in that he felt it was acceptable to say that to me. Do we deserve it because we were out there dancing and our costumes showed our stomachs? Definitely not. But these men think that it is okay to harass us from the sidewalks, because we are bellydancers. Which brings me to the whole bellydancers are not strippers argument, but that's a whole other story. However, some of these men that stand on the side of the street think that it's appropriate to catcall us because we are participating in an art form that has gotten a bad reputation for being overly sexual. The same people that think that its okay to make comments to a woman who is wearing revealing clothing think that it is okay to yell at us when we are simply trying to perform. We're not asking for it, we're doing what we enjoy. There's no reason to make us uncomfortable for doing that.
I feel like I may get a lot of anger from this, but here goes.
I completely understand where the author is coming from on her racist sentiments. I've felt so much guilt for even grouping people like this, but when you get harassed in this manner daily, it becomes really hard to ignore. I've had conversations about how I feel like a terrible person--admonishing my sisters because they group people aloud, yet now under these circumstances, I do it silently. I don't know if cat-calling is more relaxed in certain cultures abroad or in sub-cultures in the US, but one group has stood out to me.
I've noticed that when I'm harassed in my college town--2 or 3 times a day--80% of the cat calling is done by a particular racial population. Of course, the area I live in is largely populated by this race, so in a numbers sense, it would make sense for about 50% of those calls.
But thats not all. I've found that this particular race tends to do it at creepier moments--at night, on a side street, when I'm getting in my car. Racism is borne out of fear, and in this town, I fear these men. I definitely tense up more when I pass a group of men of this particular race, because more times then not, they will say something when other people won't. I don't make eye contact with any men while walking b/c I am afraid they will say something.
I'm not saying racism is okay, on my part or on hers. Moving to a different neighborhood has helped, but I miss living there. But I know that just because I've been presented with these feelings doesn't mean I shouldn't fight them. Sexual harassment though..it is scary and it makes it easier to have racist feelings out of fear.
Katie,
I dont know if you've had this experience, but personally I've had good friends and gone to school with people of all races. Which means in general the fear doesn't create generalistic feelings about a group of people. I really recommend trying to get to know a lot of people from various walks of life.
I was walking in West Philly with a few of my friends a couple of months ago, and some guy from a truck yells at us "I tried to call you!" Thinking it was some (bad) attempt at hitting on us, we rolled our eyes and kept on walking. About half an hour later, we realize my cell phone is missing. I start flipping out, and grab a friend's phone to try and call it. We see that she has a missed call from me, so I call my number back, and a male voice picks up. When I ask him if he has my phone, he says "Yeah! I yelled out to you girls from my truck, but y'all just blew me off!"
...
Yeah, we laughed at ourselves in disbelief for about an hour later, and I thanked God over and over again that I didn't give him the finger when we first saw him.
--
But in more seriousness: this is a HUGE problem all around the world. When I visit family in Pakistan, walking out of the house is pretty much declaring open season-- everything from inappropriate stares to rude, rude comments. Once, I was walking around a relatively quiet and upperclass/suburbanish neighborhood with a cousin, and one of the construction workers building a house followed us around and yelled "How much?"...we were all of 14 years old. Her little brother was with us and threw a rock at him :). But still, ugh.
MOST FRIGHTENING:
In my old neighbourhood, there is a nasty little redneck bar just across the street from the local supermarket. To give you a general idea, this is the sort of bar where a smoking ban makes the air less breathable.
One night, I was walking home from the supermarket, where I'd bought myself ice cream and smokes. In order to get home, I had to walk in front of the aforementioned shitpit, where two drunk mid-20s white guys with at best questionable hygiene were laughing imbecilically. I remained impassive as I walked by them, as is my custom.
Just as I had gone one step past the two, one of them grabbed my upper arm quite hard. The two stood on either side of me.
The evening having reached that clearly auspicious point, they began to look me over quite closely, variously grunting. I jerked my arm out of the guy's hand and tried to proceed on my way.
No such luck.
The guy who had grabbed my arm now got right up in my face, and screamed, "WHAT, YOU WANNA TAKE A SWING AT ME, BITCH?" I decided that candour was not in my best interest; besides, I was at this point petrified beyond the point of responding at all. I just froze.
In what couldn't have taken more than a few seconds, though it felt like hours, I realised that these guys were clearly quite serious. I ran across six lanes of traffic, and was able at least to gain some distance from them, while they ran after me, the one who had grabbed me yelling "I'M GONNA FUCK YOU AND I'M GONNA KILL YOU."
I took a 45 minute detour home that night. Since then, I don't commit to a side of the street before assessing the available escape routes.
MOST ENTERTAINING:
The public thoroughfare isn't the only place one can get harrassed. I'm sure I'm not the only woman to receive an almost inexhaustible stream of unsolicited, obscene, misspelt instant messages from random wankers who apparently find such things terribly entertaining.
I have found that the online harrassers provide an excellent means of working off the rage and sense of powerlessness that I get from dealing with (read: walking quickly past) the in-person harrasser community. As you might imagine, I've become quite circumspect about saying anything at all to the guys who harrass me on the pavement.
Not so online. Because these Poet Laureates are often hundreds of miles away, I see it as a safe space to say what I would say to the guys in the street if I were absolutely certain that I wouldn't be breaking land speed records subsequently.
For example:
(this is an actual dialogue; the names have changed for ease of reference and truth in advertising)
illitrit_tosser_91: cn i c ur tits
Me: I'm thinking no.
illitrit_tosser_91: u wana c my cock hrd?
Me: I think I'll give that a miss as well.
(beat)
Me: Hey...
illitrit_tosser_91: wut?
Me: I have an idea... ;-)
illitrit_tosser_91: u do?
Me: Indeed. I think you'll like it...
illitrit_tosser: wut??????!?
Me: Hell, this will be great.
illitrit_tosser_91: (clearly growing impatient) WUT????
Me: OK...
illitrit_tosser_91: WUT IZ UR IDEA?
Me: How's about you go jerk off to your mom's Redbook and get the fuck out of my face.
Whereupon, illitrit_tosser_91 ceased to respond, apparently rushing off to do just that.
Ninapendamaishi, Thank you.
I do have friends from different backgrounds, primarily my own, I admit, but others as well. I've never really had a conversation with them about racism because I'm afraid that it's just not okay. And the thing is, I don't have anything resembling racist sentiments in any other situation than fearing harassment or cat-calls. I would never say "all men of that race are assholes" or anything like that. I will happily talk to men of this race in class or even if they try to start a normal conversation with me in a bar or something like that, but just...walking down the street. It's just happened so much it's hard to stop that kind of tense fear or anger.
In the past when I've been walking around my neighbourhood, men smile at me and I smile back...but everybody I pass smiles or says hi, so I respond likewise. I have to admit, I do get the "Why don't you smile" thing quite frequently, but always in a public setting with lots of people around(where other men are sure to take note and be impressed). It makes me so mad because I don't see why women are supposed to walk around with idiotic grins plastered on their faces 24 hours a day.
Seems like I haven't had regular experiences of harrassment living as a woman in Northern Ontario. It could be the region but I've never been cat-called on the street, the city bus, at the mall, at bars, or at University. The only people who've ever "hit on" me or asked me out were people that I had known awhile. When I walk by a construction site, the workers don't even look away from their work or lunch. Maybe they don't cat-call or maybe it's because a third of construction workers here are female. I've probably been at the right place at the right time. Here's hoping the harrassment doesn't start tomorrow.
My scariest experience was late one night, beginning on the subway, where some guy decided to start hitting on me. I tried ignoring him, I tried getting up and changing seats, I tried telling him to fuck off and leave me alone, but nothing worked.
And he followed me off the train, through my very long and isolated walk in the dark from the train, and right into my apartment vestibule, all the while trying to cajole me into going out with him.
I had to literally shove him out my door as hard as I could so I could get in and get the door locked behind me.
And then I had to go up to my apartment and put papers on the floor, because there was no way in hell I was walking my dog after that.
Funniest was actually not very funny, except for my reaction. Again on the train, late one night after getting out of work after a long day. The train was crowded and I stood reading. I didn't realize at first that the guy who was standing right up against me had no real reason to be right up against me, since the train wasn't *that* crowded. And then I realized he was rubbing his crotch into me. I just gave him a wtf look, stepped away, and went back to my book. He didn't follow.
Worst: Yesterday (two days ago, technically) I was walking back from my optometrist's when these kids in a red sports car honked at me and said something to the effect of "Hey, sexy!" I know it's not as confrontational as many of the other "worst case" scenarios, but the honk scared the shit out of me, and the drive-by comment pissed me off.
Funniest: I'm walking down the street with a few college friends (we're going for a snack after taping a show or two for campus TV), when I hear this voice saying "I know my chances are slim to none, and Slim's on vacation..."
The only reason it was at all funny is because we all look across the street, and there's our friend Mickey in his car. Not three hours earlier, he told us how he was flirting with someone in a bar, and that line came out without his even trying.
I've been getting cat-called from cars since I was about 12. Once when I was 13 I was in the city with my parents and a man (25 or older) started asking me where I was from. Before I could answer, my mom just about ripped my arm out of my socket dragging me away muttering about tattooing my birthdate on my forehead. I've had guys try to follow me since I was 14. It doesn't make me feel pretty or complimented, and I've gotten to the point over the years where I almost don't notice it anymore. I've started thinking about it more though, because my sister turns 12 this summer, already has boobs and so far has only been getting shit from her classmates. I'm hoping that grown men don't start harassing her for a while, she's still a child and can't really contextualize it at all. Also, I just don't want her feeling ashamed of her body because some asshole can't keep it to himself.
I had a boyfriend who would always notice guys staring at me (or catcalling me) when we were out together. I just thought it was typical "protective" stuff since he was pretty protective of me. Then one day he told me that he'd left his gym early because a woman had brought her 14 year old daughter in and the way the other men at the gym were looking at her absolutely disgusted him. He couldn't believe it. I told him it had been happening to me (and probably that girl) since I was 12 or 13 and that's just how things are.
I was talking to my boyfriend about this, and how it starts pretty young, and he asked me when it started for me. I told him that I was groped for the first time when I was nine, by an old man in Pakistan. I've never seen anyone look so shocked in my life. It didn't really pick up outside of Pakistan until I was in college in Atlanta, though.
When I was in Atlanta, black guys would cat-call me all the time. When I moved back to Canada, it's never happened. The black guys who ask me to dance at the bar are the most polite of any race, and leagues beyond their Georgian counterparts. I can't explain it, because the white guys are far worse here, so it's not like Canadians are just more polite.
My worst experience ever was being groped at nine, and twelve, and fifteen, all in Pakistan. I haven't been back since. Except for when I was nine, I was always wearing traditional clothes. At nine, I was wearing shorts, and when my parents found out, that was the last time I got to wear shorts outside of gym class or our house until I was an adult.
My worst experience in Atlanta was mere hours after I'd arrived from Canada for the first time. I'd stopped to tie my shoe, and my dad kept walking. An SUV then stopped beside me and all four (white) guys in it started yelling various crude remarks before speeding off. (To this day, I'm still surprised that my father didn't take me back to Canada after that incident.) I was wearing jeans and a t-shirt.
My worst experience in Canada was when a guy who was standing outside on a night when it was twenty below with windchill started screaming at me to "suck [his] balls and warm [him] up." I was wearing a snowboarding jacket and jeans.
As an aside, my boyfriend gets cat-called by women all the time. He tells me when it happens, and sometimes, it seems like he gets it more than I do. But here's the thing - he's six feet tall. He weighs 180 lbs. He can bench well over his body weight. And he's a track star - he once outran a DOG. So why should he care if a 5' tall woman yells at him to take his shirt off when he's running? He doesn't even need to be concerned about an average-sized guy. It's just funny to him, because he doesn't have to live in fear of an actual threat.