I'll comment on the Grey's Anatomy review, which I agree with. While I have loved the show from the beginning I can't help but feel that the crying and the man needing has become way to much. Almost every single emotional point for these women comes from something the men are or aren't doing in their lives and if you take away those things then the show would collapse in on itself. While I realize that that was the draw in the first place, it was handled much better and more balanced in the beginning but I think it's becoming a parody of itself, or rather the spin-off is. I saw it with my friend and in the middle of it I made the comment to her that Shonda Rhymes (sp?) was getting rid of the "medical" aspect of Grey's altogether so she could have a show that could focus more on the sex. Not one female character in that show had either a good relationship with a male SO or was okay being by herself/single. I know you need conflict to have plot but dang, women do have other things in their lives besides men and sex. And the dialog was TERRIBLE.

It would be nice where a show that depicted women as "complicated" didn't depend on sex and men to do it.

TONS of great articles this week, Ann. Great job!

"Tony Fratto, a White House spokesman, said: “The president felt that it was important to remind Congress of his position on these issues. It’s not about vetoing, it’s about standing firm on his core beliefs.�

Well I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that the President is willing to put his own personal beliefs over the reproductive health of women.

Re: Girls Gone Wild

Let's be clear: I hate Joe Francis. I hate "Girls Gone Wild". And I can't say that I, personally, hold in high regard the young ladies who provide Mr. Francis with his...material. However:

In the case of Mr. Francis and his empire of imitators--not to mention angry ex-boyfriends with digital flash cards and a long memory--it can transform the playful exhibitionism of young women into scarlet letters that follow them around for life.

Semantically, I take issue with the way this debate is being framed by this writer. Scarlet letters are badges of shame. I don't know why these young ladies show off their bodies, but apparently they take some pleasure from it, or there wouldn't be so many of them. If that is so, why should they feel shame? I can't say that I approve, but then again my mother doesn't approve of sex before marriage, yet she knows better than to try to shame me about it because there are consequences for that (as in, I stop visiting on weekends). I am willing to keep in mind that this whole phenomena could easily be a generational thing and I wouldn't want to force my 25-year-old values on current 18-year-olds. Certainly, I don't feel shame when I have sex with my BF, and even if I did at a later date, I would prefer to regret my choice rather to have had no choice at all.

Which brings me to my actual point. Feminism is about choice. If young women choose to have sex or pose nude, why should we try to take that choice away from them? In effect, this proposal would do so, since an inability to sell/display the boobie pictures would dry up the chances for these girls to pose for said boobie pictures.

I think women should be allowed to fuck when they want, pose when they want, and generally be masters (mistresses?) of their own bodies. I don't think feminism is about telling women what they can and can't do with their bodies. And I do think that 18 is a reasonable age to be considered a woman. Let's not make the Christian mistake of infantalizing grown women.

IMHO.

Erin,

Most of the girls on GGW do things while highly intoxicated. Some of them only do things for the camera after a substantial amount of coercian or even harassment from surrounding people (Female Chauvanist Pigs had some specific examples). Some of them may regret it later. Some of them may not expect to have pictures of themselves doing these things following them around for the rest of their life.

So, women going on GGW is not necessarily all about the girls doing whatever they want to do in a liberated fashion to begin with.

I'm happy about the article on female orgasms. Although a man is certainly not the best person to write it, I'm constantly struggling with notion that "there are only clitoral orgasms," because I get more pleasure out of vaginal/g-spot stimulation than I do out of clitoral stimulation. I'm constantly made to feel "repressed," out of tune with my own body, a freak or anti-feminist because of it.

That Rosie article is excellent.

Thanks for the Rosie article. There is no doubt in my mind that sexism is the culprit in the attacks on her. But also we should note that many of her critics are also criticizing The View in general. Everyone's favorite chauvanist Donald Trump was on the O'Reilly factor after Rosie announced her departure....as if HE has any right commmenting on it whatsoever, but then he proceeded to attack Joy Behar and say that the show should get rid of her next. All of these critics obviously view this show as a gathering of "uppity" women that don't know their "place".

I liked the Rosie article too.
I had quit watching The View after an episode a couple of years ago when they had Michael Moore on b/c they were really nasty to him. I started watching again when I found out that Rosie was on.
I disagreed with her on some things like 9/11 conspiracy theories & was horrified by her Asian impersonation (As I also am by Sarah Silverman & Gwen Stefani), but I think that she makes a good counterpoint to the rubbish spewed by Elizabeth Hasselbeck. I just worry that no one will call Elizabeth on her b.s. anymore.
Ex.; In one episode, Elizabeth said that the Patriot Act made us safer since there haven't been any terrorist attacks since then. I thought that was a very specious argument. It's like saying that a particular rock has mystical powers that will protect you from tiger attacks. Well, it doesn't, but you haven't seen any tigers around lately have you? (Yes, I got that example from The Simpsons).

Awesome article on birth activism. My mom fought tooth and nail to have un-medicated home births, attended by midwives in the early 1980s. So I grew up understanding reproductive choice as encompassing not only abortion/birth control, but also the right to go through pregnancy and give birth in the way you believe best for your health and the health of your child.

It seems like women (and men) who have become parents in the last couple of decades have been given--on the whole--a decreasing, rather than increasing, number of choices about how to go through the birthing process. It's wonderful to know that there are people out there still fighting for a more radical way of life!

For my second career, I think I'll become a radical midwife :).

“allow taxpayer dollars to be used for the destruction of human life.�

can congress please please please pass a resolution banning the death penalty, in line with bush's above comment, if for nothing else than to show how hypocritical that is?

Nina, unless I'm sorely mistaken, the girls shown on GGW sign release forms, or else Mr. Francis wouldn't be able to make money off of their bodies.

Therefore, your "they wouldn't do it if they weren't drunk or coerced" argument holds very little water since, if they were drunk when they signed the form, the form would not be binding and Mr. Francis et. al. would get their butts sued frequently and successfully. Since this is generally not the case, it stands to reason that the majority of the "bankable" girls are, in fact, sober or at least APPEAR sober enough for the release form to be binding. IMHO.

And, again, feminism is about choice. If a woman thinks it is fun to get drunk and flash a camera, then why shouldn't she be allowed to do it? And even if she DOES come to regret it later, should we therefore take that choice away? 'Cause that sounds a LOT like an argument from the anti-abortion camp.....You know, 'cause women are too stupid and fragile to be trusted to make good decisions for themselves....

Now, I'll have to wait for EG to come on and regale us with some of her wild stories of drunken fun. ;)

Cara-
glad I'm not the only one.

Also, in reference to the GGW stuff, they do sign consent forms, as I understand, but there have been MANY claims of coercion, or being extremely intoxicated when made to sign the forms. There was an excellent article about the sleazeball that is Joe Francis and the whole GGW operation about a year ago (?) in the LA times. I think I got the link from this website too.

"Therefore, your "they wouldn't do it if they weren't drunk or coerced" argument holds very little water since, if they were drunk when they signed the form, the form would not be binding and Mr. Francis et. al. would get their butts sued frequently and successfully."

Some do choose to do it, I never said otherwise. But there /are/ plenty allegations about some girls being drunk or coerced, at least at the time of filming. At least that's what the interviewer in Female Chauvanist Pigs had to say when she was following Mr. Francis and his crew around and listening to the stories of other reporters who had investigated the whole deal.

I'm not the only person on this site who has brought this up before.

Here's an article from the Rolling Stone that says the same thing:

http://www.rollingstone.com/news/story/5934268/wild_thing

"And, again, feminism is about choice. If a woman thinks it is fun to get drunk and flash a camera, then why shouldn't she be allowed to do it? "

Of course, jeez I've run around naked in front of people plenty of times. Generally not on-camera, but I am an art model. I'm not concerned just for the sake of being concerned, it's because of what these news reporters have to say about what can actually go on behind the scenes with GGW...

jinx Pickle =)

If girls are being coerced, then that needs to be addressed. It's VERY important, I agree.

But I don't think the answer is to effectively strip the willing girls of the option to do this, by running up the porn age limit.

If anything, that will just mean that older young women (yes, I consider 21 to be young ;) will be coerced.

My point is that if coercion is happening, that should be addressed directly, rather than via a roundabout way that keeps anyone from having any freedom to choose. That's all. :)

I think another comparison here is stripping. I, personally, would probably starve to death before stripping for money. I just don't like it.

That being said, I had a roommate in college who stripped on weekends. She didn't need the money, or at least, she didn't need the designer shoes and purses that she bought with the money. When asked, she would say that it was easy money, easy hours, and easy work.

Now, you can easily make the case that a LOT of strippers don't enjoy their jobs, and only do it because they desparately need the money. Some of them are even coerced into it by abusive boyfriends or husbands. That's a problem and it's real.

I don't think, however, that the answer is to shut down all the strip bars. Some women like to strip and like the money and attention. In the same way, some girls seek out GGW because they want attention, or because they hope to be "discovered" and it's an easy way to get their face out there.

So if *some* 18 year olds are being hurt by GGW, that needs to be addressed. But not at the expense of saying that ALL 18 year olds no longer have a choice to be on GGW.

IMHO.

I appreciated the stripper article. I myself am an exotic dancer. I am also a feminist.

For about four nights a week, I dress up in revealing clothes, don the smokey eye look, and put on an act for university professors, undergrads, businessmen, couples, women, and absentee husbands. It is a way to pay the rent for the modest apartment that I share with my boyfriend, who, incidentally, has no qualms with my 'job,' because that's what it is: a job. I do not have any interest in the men who slip me twenties for me to be their fantasy for the next song. I find it a good paying job that keeps me afloat through college until I can get the white collar job that I am trying to earn. Do I have fun? Most of the time. At the same time, you run into the perverts, the mysogynists, and the slobs. I personally take no shit from them, and have put many a man back into his place. The dancers and the clients run a parallel current of control. The dancers control who we contract with, how we are to be treated, and ultimately how much we make a night. The men control the fantasy he would like to have. With some mutual agreement and a sum of money, both parties are happy.

You do have downsides, like finding a clean club to work in, rather than a prostitution front. You get the assholes now and then. You also get women who tear you down for your work, because they either think it's sinful, unwomanly, or unfeminist. I am independant. That is feminist.

I love my job. It's more fun than the local burger shack. The pole keeps me in fantastic shape. I keep myself comfortable financially while socking away the money it earns me. I am myself.

Re: orgasms

I'll weigh in here in support of Cara et. al.

Shouldn't the ONLY valid question about orgasms be whether or not you're having them (and if not, and you're unhappy about not having them, what needs to change)? It makes sense that people have different bodies that respond in varying ways to stimulation.

Why the hell is the only conversation the mainstream media usually has about women's sexuality is what is right/wrong, rather than what's pleasurable???

Just because the personal is also political doesn't mean that our personal lives always have to be political.

I enjoyed the article as far as it went. I do think he kind of misses the point in his final analysis about the personal being political. Back in the 1970s, when "The Myth of the Vaginal Orgasm" was written, the "common wisdom" on women's sexual experience was that clitoral orgasms were childish. That IS a political issue, because women are being told what their correct sexual responses should be. So feminists were pointing out that clitoral orgasms were valid as a way to counter that pop-psychology notion issue was affecting their intimate relationships.

kryrinn -
“allow taxpayer dollars to be used for the destruction of human life.�

*coughcough*War in Iraq*coughcough*

I do think he kind of misses the point in his final analysis about the personal being political. Back in the 1970s, when "The Myth of the Vaginal Orgasm" was written, the "common wisdom" on women's sexual experience was that clitoral orgasms were childish. That IS a political issue, because women are being told what their correct sexual responses should be. So feminists were pointing out that clitoral orgasms were valid as a way to counter that pop-psychology notion issue was affecting their intimate relationships.

I definitely agree, anna. Clitoral orgasms are important, and they do seem to be what works for the majority of women. More power to them! I'm happy that clitoral stimulation is now seen as such an important part of female sexuality and that conversations about women's sexuality include it so prominently, because it used to be that it was just ignored. The bad thing is that I think the pendulum has swung the other way and now clitoral stimulation is seen as the "right" way for women to have orgasms, and the importance that vaginal stimulation has for some women is discounted. Don't even get me started on how highly ignored female ejaculation is. From people thinking its freakish to thinking it's just women being unable to control their bladder to saying that it DOESN'T EXIST. So now we have a whole different set of women who are being told that the way they get off is "wrong."

Again, I wonder why people feel compelled to spend such a tremendous amount of energy delineating "right" from "wrong," instead of just expanding our understanding of sexual pleasure. Why is it so freakin' important to contain?

Okay. I know there's lots of feminist theory out there trying to answer that very question. But sometimes, I just get so irritated at the amount of energy it takes to combat dumb ideas.

Argh!!!

The U.S. military reportedly thwarted a planned attack on Iraqi schoolgirls.

thank you for adding the "reportedly" in there - i'm taking this report with a grain of salt myself.

Am I the only person who thinks it's awesome that the name of the medieval anatomist who 'disovered' the clitoris is Columbus?

So, basically, Ken Mondschein refuses to believe the women he has been with have faked it. I'll admit it -- I've faked it several times. For some reason, men just can't do it for me. Hands, penis, toys -- it's like their touching my elbow.

However, I think someone should explain to him that the clit can be stimulated without using your hands. Simply rubbing of the labia (as a man's pelvis can do during intercourse) can stimulate the clit.

"For some reason, men just can't do it for me. Hands, penis, toys -- it's like their touching my elbow. "

oh no. do you at least try to give them help and direct them, ikki?

Okay. All togeher now. There is no such thing as a "vaginal orgasm." The term "vaginal orgasm" never meant "coming from penis-in-vagina sex without external clitoral stimulation," it always meant that somehow the seat of the orgasm was in the vagina itself. You can come from PIV sex, or not, but you're still deriving pleasure from having your clitoris stimulated, since the clitoris is mostly internal and has parts that sort of wrap around the vagina. The clitoris isn't just that little sticky-outy bit; it's much, much bigger than that. Depending on how sensitive the nerves are in your clitoris, you may find stimulation of the glans painful and deep stimulation of the internal areas sufficient for orgasm; you may not.

I really detest the term "vaginal orgasm" on top of its being biologically inaccurate, since historically, "nice" women had vaginal orgasms, and sluts had clitoral orgasms (see the two female characters in Lady Chatterly's Lover, for example).

Oh, thank you, Interrobang! I thought nobody was going to mention the "tip of the iceberg" simile.

As far as the GGW thing: I think that the important thing to focus on isn't the age of the participants, it's how much they're being plied with drink and drugs. A 21-year-old can get just as "crunk" as an 18-year-old, after all. Can contracts really be considered binding if the signer was barely able to comprehend its contents?

"Can contracts really be considered binding if the signer was barely able to comprehend its contents?"

Probably when allegations are made Francis tries to argue that the girl is lying and was in a condition to sign the contract, and now she's just embarassed so she's trying to take it back. You know, it probably plays out like your average trial for sexual violence against a woman. Really though, I'm not sure.

Orgasms kind of begin to seem bland when they are described with scientific detail. Is there a different sensation caused from internal stimulation (vaginal orgasms I guess) than what is felt form external stimulation (clitoral orgasms I guess)? Or am I understanding the whole process wrong. For me every woman I have been with was different, and they got off (orgasmed) in their own unique way, which is the excitement of not being tied down to a single partner. However men will describe their orgasms the exact same way; blowing a load.

PS Kind of funny that orgasmed is not a word.

I thought orgasmed /was/ a word...

I think all guys are different too, even if they don't describe themselves in great detail. (At least, I've known guys to describe how their orgasms can very from one to another depending on stimulation, and different guys get off in different ways)

And I'd say that yes for women, touching different parts creates different sensations, and that will vary from woman to woman.

Also once a contract is signed to act in porn, it is very difficult to back out of it later. One phenomenon of rape culture is that the justice system will say that a woman cannot retract her consent after she has given it.

P.S. Orgasmed is totally a word. So if you prefer to start saying you "orgasmed" as opposed to "I blew my load" you have my full encouragement: (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/orgasmed)

But can you recognize one of your internal orgasms from one of your external orgasms?

I have always used the term orgasmed, but the word popped up as incorrect on my spell checker. My favorite term for the male orgasm was "dropped a nut", but I never used that term either.

"But can you recognize one of your internal orgasms from one of your external orgasms?"

Well, I don't think it's so much about an either/or sort of thing, personally. I think there's sort of like a range of orgasms, and maybe one will feel somewhat stronger in one place, and another in another place... I don't know. You ask too many questions. Just appreciate the magic ;)

I only asked one question (in regards to female orgasms). Basically what I want to know is, is there more than one type of orgasm for women. When the topic of vaginal orgasms vs. clitoral orgasms came up I was fascinated by the idea that women could feel more than one type of orgasm.

So if you prefer to start saying you "orgasmed" as opposed to "I blew my load" you have my full encouragement

lol

Ranter, don't say "dropped a nut." Ever.

Don't worry Donna. I never will, but I probable will write a fictional character that uses the term. As unappealing as the "dropped a nut" sounds, I still laugh whenever I hear men use it, but I am laughing at them not the term.
Why is it men describe sexuality in gross terms? I think it is so that they can stay detached emotional from sex.

Why is it men describe sexuality in gross terms? I think it is so that they can stay detached emotional from sex.

Why is it that people need to make sweeping generalizations about one gender or another? I'm a woman and I'm as crude as you can get when I talk about sex. I just say things as they are.

Re. Grey's anatomy, I agree 100% with the article. I've never understood the appeal of that show. Just like Ally McBeal, it's just about whiny women talking about men. (Although I think that stupid Bridget Jones syndrome is to blame for it too).

Actually Scarlet,

I'm not a fan of Grey's, or whiny women, but over the years I've come to question why I would feel a significant need to put down women I perceive as weaker than myself. To not be entertained, is one thing, to have to call them "stupid" though, I think may be a symptom of having absorbed the larger culture that finds putting down women for just about any reason acceptable...

I've decided it makes a lot more sense to me as a feminist to honor other women's choices on how "feminine" or "whiny" or *gasp* "emotional" or whatever they want to be...

But can you recognize one of your internal orgasms from one of your external orgasms?

I can't speak for anyone else, but I can. It honestly just feels like the orgasm is spreading from a different place.

P.S. That being said, I am aware the women on Grey's anatomy are only fictional characters. I'm thinking more of the women who might like to watch these shows, or similar women I might meet in life.

I never implied anywhere that anyone watching these shows is stupid. Speaking as a feminist as well, I strongly object to women being systematically portayed as needy, clingy and whiny, even when they are extremely attractive and professionally successful, as is the case for Ally McBeal's character (other female characters on that show seem to have much more spine than she does) and most of the female leads in "Grey's anatomy". I don't see why I couldn't criticize female characters that are systematically portrayed as insecure "because they need a man" or as being solely interested in "securing a man" just on accounts of their femaleness. It's funny, so many feminists are criticizing "choice feminism" because it automatically validates every choice ever made by a woman, even when it means she fully buys into the patriarchy, but somehow we have to be ok with the stereotype of needy women in the media because doing otherwise would mean that we are "criticizing women, OMG". BTW, I thought it was obvious that I was criticizing the way female characters are portrayed on these shows and not flesh-and-blood women.

Yeah I know you didn't directly criticize women who'd enjoy watching the show. I was just thinking about the attitudes I used to have towards real women I perceive as weak or too whiny, as much as anything.

The "choice" feminism debate is interesting, I will agree. It's a careful balance, of course -if feminism starts criticizing things too many women want to do, and trying to limit women's options, it's really doing the same thing everyone hates about the patriarchy. Then again, I think the discussion above about GGW and also the article about stripping illustrates cases in which this can get complicated, if some people aren't aware of or aren't willing to recognize unpleasant less obvious factors that might play into a woman's choice, or effectively limit it.

Well, since nobody here has ever actually been inside of my vagina during one of my orgasms, I guess nobody here can speak to the "myth" of my vaginal orgasms. The ones I have during intercourse are way different from clitoral ones, and in fact I enjoy following up the vaginal ones with a clitoral one, just to go the full distance.

Aren't you glad for that information.

Thanks for commenting, tinfoil. I didn't even know to begin to respond to that.

I do, Ninapendamaishi, I do try. I try during, and, when that doesn't work, I usually try to talk after about trying this, or doing that less, but usually they are just so put-off. Naturally, people become frustrated when they cannot do well, so the reaction is not so unexpected.

It is sad though, that in the four years I have been with my boyfriend, only twice has he brought me to climax.

Darn! Now I am so jealous because I have never had a vaginal orgasm and it seems like every one is having them.

If it helps, sojouner, I've never had a clitoral (or "external" depending on whose terminology in this thread you agree with) orgasm. I've tried by myself and with my husband, using lots of different techniques, and still do try, sometimes. I just can't ever get there.

ikkin:

Not all guys will be put off by you talking and trying to tell them to try different things. I'm not a sex therapist, but most of the ones I've heard speak on the issue think faking is a pretty bad idea -you're denying yourself as well as messing with the trust-balance in your relationship. Eh... I know this is every woman's decision to make within her own relationship, and you must love your bf if you've been with him for 4 yrs. But... I hope you'll consider working towards putting yourself equally high on your sexual priorities list as your parter. You've orgasmed, so we /know/ you can do it. If he would /mind/ taking time and patience to try and figure things out with you, he wouldn't sound very caring to me...
Another thought: have you thought about using sex toys with him? Like vibrating things he can wear?

Btw, have you seen Shortbus? One of the main characters is a woman who has never orgasmed and so fakes with her partner. Another thing: if you are /enjoying/ the sex you are having, but your partner feels like he has to make you orgasm, that might be another good thing to explain to him, that you don't always /need/ to orgasm. B/c I can't imagine faking often is pleasant physically or emotionally to you...

Hey Cara:

Have you tried playing with a vibrator? How about a Rabbit Vibrator? I'm betting that could do the trick, with a little experimentation...

The clitoris isn't just that little sticky-outy bit; it's much, much bigger than that.

Remember this charming video illustration of the internal structure of the clitoris from a few weeks ago? Just thought it had some relevance to this orgasm conversation. It's kind of an awesome thing to think about having inside myself ;).

Sojourner,

Don't sweat it. My "vaggies" sort of just started happening after I had my first baby (10 yrs ago). I had no idea such a thing was possible. I'm thinking maybe it was hormonal? And interestingly, the older I get (I'm 46), the easier & better it is!

Who'da thunk it?

Well, we do play with vibrating toys, but he's never worn one. He seems to like doing it alot, but I do think he feels pressured, and so it ends up just not being very pleasurable at all. (He can get quite overzealous, if you know what I mean.)

I don't fake it often. But, yes, sometimes I do. Of course, we don't have sex very often, so... the issue doesn't come up much. I should also mention that I have trouble getting him there as well. Our relationship is just loaded with sexual mishaps.

Well I don't think I should be playing expert, because I'm not that experienced myself, with sex or psychology.

But is sounds to me from the things you're saying that you are both sort of stressed and nervous about the whole thing. That may not be the only problem, but I'd be surprised if it wasn't a contributing factor. Maybe talking to each other more openly, and/or talking to someone else about the nervousness, and working on ways to relax, open-communication and not being over-zealous and all that would help...

It might not be anything in particular....I didn't come with my first boyfriend. It wasn't anything he was doing or not doing, and if anything, I had a far healthier attitude toward sex then than I do now. It just didn't happen. A few years later, with other guys, it started being no problem at all. I've never really had an explanation, beyond it being one of those weird things.

Throwing a bit more sex advice into the pot for ikkin:

My guy often has trouble reaching orgasm, too. But we've discovered that one of the best things for our sex life is to ignore the social expectation that a man has to come in or on his lover every time. Try varying your sexual menu to something like this: oral (or whatever gets you off best) for you, then vaginal sex while you're still pleasantly sensitive, cleanup and rest for a few minutes, then oral and/or manual sex for him. Just having the pressure to orgasm in one particular fashion -- or at all, for that matter -- taken off might help things for you both. Good luck!

"with my first boyfriend. It wasn't anything he was doing or not doing, and if anything, I had a far healthier attitude toward sex then than I do now."

Ooh... out of curiosity, what does that last part mean?

Nina, I have tried vibrators, and I like them a lot, but no orgasms. I haven't tried a rabbit, though.

Hey Nina, it's just that I'm dealing with issues and feelings of ambivalence now that I wasn't then. I had a much more optimistic attitude toward sex when I was younger than I do now, in part because of experiences I've had between then and now, and in part because of new feelings about old experiences. Nothing fabulously interesting or anything that I could really generalize to anybody but me!

I suppose I do put way too much stock in orgasm. Both of us are just so disappointed if neither of us climax, which just loads the next situation with pressure. So I guess when I faked it, I did it to reduce the pressure for next time. But it doesn't work, and then I'm just hoping it'll happen next time for real. So, you guys have made some points that I need to commit to memory.

ikki

Did you fake to reduce the pressure next time for him or for you? No need to answer that question, but you need to think about who is being pressured here. Do you feel pressured to achieve orgasm, or are your needs for orgasm too much for your BF? I have never met a man who had trouble climaxing. If he gets hard, then 99.99% of the time he will climax, and if get hard at all, then he probably is not feeling any pressure. Perhaps you need to relax, and realize that if your BF is hard, then you can pretty much do whatever you want with it. A better question to ask yourself is; what can I do with his hardness to satisfy me?

Ranter:

I'm sorry to tell you, that is a gross misinformation. There are most certainly men who have difficulty climaxing with a partner. It may be related to nervousness, or health, etc.

Ranter: Perhaps men not to talk about it, because their ability to get hard and stay hard is so tied in with their ego and what they think makes them manly.

Cara: I recommend the Rabbit if you are someone who likes internal stimulation. It also has clitoral stimulation, of course, and so it provides both. A big part of orgasm can be psychological, so with some experimenting your body may begin to associate clitoral stimulation with orgasm. That being said though, hey, just do whatever feels good ;)

ikkin: Yeah I understand the desire for an orgasm. But it definitely sounds to me like you guys need to try and relax and work on really open, honest communication, and you both need to commit to as much patience as the two of you need. Because that has to come first (no pun intended).

No it is not mis-information. I said that if he gets hard, then he is probably not feeling pressure or pressured, and very rarely will men fail to climax if they get hard. I really don't want to know what goes on in ikki's bedroom, but I sensed that she is misunderstanding her BF's signals, and that more than likely the pressure problem was with her not him, but I may be wrong, because I don't know (and don't want to know) the situation with her BF. In short if your BF is not having trouble achieving erection, then he probably is not feeling pressured to orgasm or perform.

Actually Nina I sort of disagree with you. I think men are not so much ego driven, as driven to dominate (but maybe the domination drive is attune to ego). Most of the young men I know who have performance issues, suffer due to the feeling that they cannot satisfy their GFs because their GFs are too controlling, (I'm not that type, I like to be emotionally dominated), and they feel that they can't live up to their GF's expectations. If that's the case just dump the guy, because he will never be happy whenever you exert your will over his. I have ego in that I care about myself, but I do not measure myself by the ability I have to dominate others. A mature man will recognize that love and sex are best when they are expressed mutually and equally by both members of the sexual arrangement.

"...if he gets hard, then he is probably not feeling pressure or pressured..."

It's quite possible to feel aroused and nervous at the same time, and to be enjoying sex but still feel as though something more is expected of you.

"...and very rarely will men fail to climax if they get hard."

This is just plain wrong. See my comment above. Also, a couple of guys have written in to Dan Savage's column mentioning that they get hard and enjoy sex but have a lot of trouble coming.

Ranter, I agree it's to distance themselves from reality. Men liked that Cameron Diaz movie with the gross humor because they'd rather laugh about it. They don't want to watch a serious film about sex or mutual fulfillment.

Donna

Not so much from reality, but from emotion. If you can laugh about something, then you can detach yourself from being concerned about it. Most men never want to show emotion, especially to women, because once they show emotion about something, then internally they have to care about it. Most men would like to think of sexuality as something outside of themselves. I hate it when men call their orgasm a release, because it sounds like they see sex as something they need to get out of their system rather than something they should be able to enjoy. I do not like to think of my orgasm as the same thing as defecating.

"Also, a couple of guys have written in to Dan Savage's column mentioning that they get hard and enjoy sex but have a lot of trouble coming."

Shiftercat

I think most men (and most women) would see that as a good thing. Who wants to cum early? The point I was trying to make is that it is easy (and very obvious) to understand men. We can't hide anything from you, at least not when it comes to arousal and orgasming. If your BF gets hard for you; enjoy it, don't try to analyze it.

Speaking as a posessor of a penis: just because one has an erection, it doesn't mean that one is not feeling presured or nervous. Also: although I personally have never experienced it, delayed ejaculation is a recognised and fairly common condition.

And an enjoyed condition.

If you're hard does it really matter if you are feeling pressured or nervous? As long as I'm hard, I'm in the game, and therefore can satisfy a women. That is of course after I have put in the foreplay, and built the mood with romance (come to think you or I could satisfy a woman even if we didn't get hard).

Ranter:

The myth that women want men to last forever is just that, a myth. A lot of women get sore after more than 10 min of intercourse. Most women don't come from intercourse alone.

There are sites online where people go to seek help about their sexual troubles. I have seen many young men posting problems with erection and/or ejaculation, usually attributed to nervousness tied in with a desire to impress their partner. Some men say they have difficulty getting hard and then ejaculating with a partner, and they can't even figure out why that is. Even older men can have the problem sometimes though. None of it necessarily has anything to do with emotion. I think you're wanting to oversimplify things.

I could go into explaining all the different troubles we have in the bedroom, but I don't think Chris would appreciate me putting that on the Internet. I've met several men, including my boyfriend, who have trouble getting there after achieving a full, healthy erection. Sometimes it just doesn't happen, and the thought that it always does is continuously damaging for those who do not achieve the standard of a wonton love god unfurling layers of pleasure.

Also, since Ranter just seems to be full of advice on subjects pertaining to women, I'd like to offer some advice to him:

The next time you have a thought, just let it go.

And my argument Nina, is that I think you are over complicating matters.

I stand by my assertion that men are obvious and pretty easy to understand.
I agree with you that 10 minutes is probably about right, unless you're a porn star. But I always thought that premature ejaculation was at the height of embarrassing. The keys to good sex are technique, compassion, and communication, and that goes for both men and women.

Ikkin
I am very glad you decided not to write anything about Chris. When I gave you my advice I was trying to save you from deluging further with your sex life.

Ranter:

I find the generality that men are generally simpler than women and easier to please than women is pretty harmful to a lot of people all around.

"The keys to good sex are technique, compassion, and communication, and that goes for both men and women."

Well I agree with you there. But that doesn't mean that men are necessarily easier for women to figure out than vice versa. And all men are different. Have you tried having sex with men lately?

"When I gave you my advice I was trying to save you from deluging further with your sex life."

I think you misused the word deluging. I can't quite figure out what you were trying to say here.

Damn register errors I keep losing my comments.

Nina, I never said men were easier to please. I just said men were more obvious and easier to understand then women are. I base that argument on the fact that men can't hide their arousal or orgasms from women.
I don't know anything about pleasing men, and I don't want to, but anyone can point out the obvious. if you have pleased a man, you will know (whether you are a woman or a man), but no man is 100% certain that he has ever really pleased a woman. I am sure women have faked with me, but I'll never know. But as far as I know, it is impossible for a man to fake arousal or orgasms. If he was aroused and orgasmed, you saw it.

I don't really know what I meant when I wrote deluging, but I meant that I was trying to save Ikkin from flooding the internet with information about her sex life. It is one thing to talk abstractly about a problem you are having, and a bit too much to go into deep intimate details on a blog.

I honestly meant no offense when I gave you advice Ikkin. I just wanted to give you a question to think about.

there's nothing wrong with disclosing intimate details if you feel comfortable doing so. sheesh our culture annoys me.

I agree with you Nina, as long as the intimate details don't involve someone else. My wife got rather upset when she saw that I was writing about her IUD, and I promised her I would not mention anything about our sex life without consulting her first.