There's been a lot of talk over the past few days about Katie Couric's interview with John and Elizabeth Edwards last Sunday. I'm not going to rehash what an asshole Couric was, it's been covered, and I think the whole controvery is ridiculous. I'm sure if John Edwards had removed himself from the campaign, someone out there would be calling him a pussy for it. And because he didn't, he's a jerk. Whatever. There's one thing getting a little lost in the conversation, and it's underscored by this one quote from the interview. Elizabeth Edwards said:
If I had given up everything that my life was about – first of all, I'd let cancer win before it needed to. You know, maybe eventually it will win. But I'd let it win before I needed to.And I'd just basically start dying. I don't want to do that. I want to live. And I want to do the work that I want next year to look like last year and... and the year after that and the year after that. And the only way to do that is to say I'm going to keep on with my life.
This really struck a chord with me for two reasons. First, as someone with a chronic disease, it's the thing I find the hardest. How do you live with something you can never forget and not let it run your life? I love her comment about not letting the cancer win before you need to.
And second, beyond disease, this is an eloquent way to explain how I think of feminism. None of us can change our biology, control the world as a whole, or even anyone else's behavior. And we never know what's going to work, or how long it might take to make change happen. All we can do is refuse to let everything we struggle against get us down, and keep fighting as hard and for as long as possible.
Sorry to get all serious on you. Next week I'll be back to saying fuck a lot and making fun of Jessica, I promise.
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Really beautiful and well-written post.
Jen - I hope this isn't too personal a question, but what chronic disease are you living with? I think it's really interesting how you link it to informing your feminism, and I think that would make for a perspective I'd like to hear more about!
Elizabeth Edwards could not have said it any better... I love her.
i missed the 60 minutes interview. I've had breast cancer twice now and when i heard that the campaign was going to make a 'special' announcement, i knew in my gut what it was going to be. i was really pleased that he's staying in the campaign - and that she's going to keep on living. i HATED dealing with people who acted like my diagnosis meant that i was already dead. i have a wonderful husband who was fantastic during both bouts. however i would have lost my mind if he'd quit his job to devote himself full time to me. Yikes. Thank god i worked during both bouts and Thank god i pursued hobbies and read books and continued living during treatment. I often wanted to curl up in bed with the blankets over my head but being 'forced' to engage with the real world while also having a little private space to work things out in my head (e.g. my husband kept his job and didn't anxiously shadow me 24/7) was the perfect mix. I hope it works as well for Elizabeth Edwards
This is possibly the best post I've ever read on Feministing. Edward's words are truly inspiring, and so is your interpretation.
Absolutely perfect.
This is applicable to almost any survival situation, including sexual abuse or assault. My mom died of complications from breast cancer, and I have my own issues with abuse, as well as being a feminist in Texas... Experience taught me that defiance and indomitability will help when nothing else will. The idea of being defeated by an unrespectable enemy is one hell of a motivator.
The right to define one's own life, how to live it, and establishing one's quality of life and sticking to that are part of what feminism is all about. I applaud Elizabeth Edwards' courage and decision, and honestly think I respect John Edwards more for entering a partnership with someone like her.
Good post Jen, thanks.
Katie Couric only serves herself and corporations and doesn't understand that continuing to do what you're meant to do in life -- which for the Edwardses is serving the public -- is what will save them.
This makes me think of a story told in one of Richard Feynman's autobiographical books. Early in his life, his wife is slowly dying of a chronic disease. He talks about how we all have the same problem, exactly - just different time scales. It may seem morbid, but it's true, and in a sense liberating, I suppose.
Well, yeah, but those time scales matter.
Edwards made the right choice to keep living. What a strong and courageous woman!
Katie Couric should be ashamed. She lost her husband to cancer and now she's criticising another family for taking the disease head-on and not retreating to the shadows? Sheesh.
I love this quote by her so much. I also have a chronic disease, and it's something that can only be understood by someone in a similar situation.
My husband has a chronic illness, and there's a lot of backlash against me because after much discussion we decided that we weren't going to live our life based around his illness. Which is why I'm currently in Australia for a year and he's back in Canada - he didn't want to come here because much of what I want to do is very phyiscal, and he couldn't come along. This was a choice we made together, after much discussion and soul-searching, and he's the one who practically pushed me out the door.
But man, the backlash I've gotten from his family and friends. They seem to think I've abandoned him, that I've forced him against his will not to move back to the city we lived in before we moved to Scotland, that he's suffering needlessly like a silent martyr while I go out and spend his money like a drunken sailor....
....
Apparently being ill means you have no autonomy, no opinions, and no options. He wants to spend his life with me traveling around the world (except, obviously, Australia), and this is wrong! Wrong! Sick people are supposed to sit at home and be pitied, don't you know!
Hmm... If this double posts, I apologise.
My husband has a chronic illness, and there's a lot of backlash against me because after much discussion we decided that we weren't going to live our life based around his illness. Which is why I'm currently in Australia for a year and he's back in Canada - he didn't want to come here because much of what I want to do is very phyiscal, and he couldn't come along. This was a choice we made together, after much discussion and soul-searching, and he's the one who practically pushed me out the door.
But man, the backlash I've gotten from his family and friends. They seem to think I've abandoned him, that I've forced him against his will not to move back to the city we lived in before we moved to Scotland, that he's suffering needlessly like a silent martyr while I go out and spend his money like a drunken sailor....
....
Apparently being ill means you have no autonomy, no opinions, and no options. He wants to spend his life with me traveling around the world (except, obviously, Australia), and this is wrong! Wrong! Sick people are supposed to sit at home and be pitied, don't you know!
Now I'm going to be the asshole for a few minutes... but let it be known I'm no fan of Katie Couric.
That said, maybe she was speaking from a bit of experience. Perhaps she regrets not spending more time with her husband instead of focusing more time on work. Yes, I understand not wanting a chronic (and presumably terminal, at least what she seemed to imply during the interview) disease run your life. But what about the time you just spend hanging out with loved ones? I remember my mom as someone who achieved much in her lifetime, but fucking hell what I wouldn't have given to spend even an extra week doing mundane bullshit...driving around, going out to eat, cooking, getting drunk, watching TV with snarky commentary, etc. I didn't get that opportunity right beforehand. Last year when she was suddenly declared "terminal," we rushed out to Oregon and spent the last month of her life while a squamous cell tumor created a 6 inch fissure along her collarbone.
This kind of thing sneaks up quickly, and when the end isn't in sight, it's probably easier to be more philosophical about the situation. There was a lot we wanted to share, but any reminder her disease was going to claim her life in the immediate future depressed the shit out of her, so to make her as comfortable and suffering as few panic attacks as possible (and subsequently shoving ativan under her tongue), we avoided the subject. It's not like the movies, folks; the person doesn't just say "I love you" and fade away in peace.
There's obviously no way of telling when it's going to sneak up on you. While it's a tragedy to let cancer run your life, it's even more of a tragedy to voluntarily deny your loved ones everyday activites and down time. Elizabeth Edwards' loved ones won't be haunted in their dreams by her achievements, but rather the everyday backdrop of her in a bathrobe, drinking coffee in the morning.