Lani Ka‘ahumanu is a published author, editor, poet, and long-time bisexual rights activist. She and her friend Loraine Hutchins co-edited the groundbreaking anthology, Bi Any Other Name: Bisexual People Speak Out in 1991, which was listed on the Top 100 Queer Books of the 20th Century by Lambda Book Review and is still in print.
Lani, now 63, is a safe sex educator and is working on writing her activist memoir. She told me: “There is so much history. And some of it people have no clue about. And some of it is not very pretty. But we have to tell the truth about the bigger picture so that people can understand why so many bisexuals are really cranky.�
Here’s Lani…
When did you decide to identify as a bisexual, and what was the process like?
[Laughs] That’s a good question, because it wasn’t like I decided. In some ways I had to be convinced there was such a thing. I grew up knowing I was different. As a teenager I was attracted to girls, but back then there was no word for it. I became aware of feminism and feminist thinking as a housewife. After my divorce, I began taking women’s studies classes, and in these courses I was surrounded by lesbians and women-identified women. There was this rush and understanding of what it meant to be a woman in patriarchy. And while I was surrounded by these radical thinkers, I came out as lesbian. I was an out lesbian with children from my marriage.
I graduated in ’79 from San Francisco State’s Women Studies Department that I helped to found and went away to do this quirky thing: I became a lesbian chef. [Laughs] There was this New Age resort up in Montesino in Northern California. And by my second summer there, I was really hungry for feminism and thinkers when a young man came passing through. He asked me, “Are you a feminist because of that?� I had the kitchen decorated with all sorts of posters. One of them was a famous one by feminist author Judy Grahn [who said]: “Women are as common as a common loaf of bread and will/shall rise.� He identified as bisexual, but I didn’t know that at the time.
He asked me, “Have you read Of Woman Born by Adrienne Rich on the institution of motherhood?� And I looked at him and said, “Yes, I love that book.� And he said, “Could we talk about it because I love that book, too?� And then I became head over heels in love. But all the while he kept telling me that I was bisexual. I told him there was no such thing as bisexuality. I also knew what would happen when I went back to my San Francisco lesbian community with a boyfriend. And so I resisted the identity and identified in 1980 as a lesbian-identified bisexual because I wanted people to understand that I came from that [lesbian] experience, that community, that culture and those politics. Nothing had changed except for the fact that I fell in love with this man who identified as a bisexual feminist man.
When I came back to the community, it was pretty ugly. It was one of the hardest things. You know the saying, “You find out who your friends are…� Well, that was true. One of my best friends looked at me and said, “Oh my God! If it can happen to you, it can happen to me!� And she was never the same [with me]. Other women stopped talking to me.
Once I was meeting some lesbian women for brunch and one of the women was very upset [that I was joining them]. She didn’t want to sit next to me. It was a booth. When I sat down she got up and sat on the outside of the table. She made it very clear how she felt. Sitting at that table was very awkward. I don’t think that things like that happen anymore. I hope not.
But I refused to be kicked out. Most women who fell in love with men at that time didn’t care [about the lesbian community], they just left. But this was my community. This was where I built my new sense of self, and my home. My politics were the same. And I refused to be kicked out. It didn’t make sense to me. I was dealing with my own internalized biphobia. And the reason why I identified as a lesbian-identified bisexual was because I didn’t want to be identified as a swinger. I didn’t want to be identified as someone who would sleep with a man and a woman, or two men, or whatever sexphobic, erotophobic, radiphobic ideas I had, and that are still out there about bisexuals. I wanted to distance myself completely from that.
At that time in San Francisco, from 1976 to 1984, there was a Bisexual Center thriving. I went to a women’s coming out group there. I learned a lot. I went to one support group, and there were 20 women there. I sat there listening to every one of these feminist women say: “I’m so attracted to women but I don’t know how to ask a woman to dance. How do you ask a woman out?� They were coming from more heterosexual experiences, and trying to deal with their feelings for women. And asking questions like, “Why are lesbians angry?� I could answer all those questions. But my question to them was, “What do I do with this man?� And I couldn’t even ask the question because I knew they could not understand it. I realized that my community was with lesbian feminists and activists. At the time it was a very lesbian community. There wasn’t a lesbian-gay community; it was still very separate.
So, the process of coming out bisexual was just really painful. And it wasn’t joyous and supportive like coming out as a lesbian. I was seen as a traitor and that I went “back to men.� And of course, I couldn’t be trusted. So, I just kept putting myself out there because I was really queer identified. We didn’t use that word back then, but I certainly do now. And many bisexuals in the lesbian and gay communities were very closeted. I was known as being very admirable in the lesbian community, but then I became known as the professional bisexual because I was so out and I challenged people’s assumptions.
So, there wasn’t really a choice. I resisted it. But I finally came to the point of really dealing with my own biphobia and misunderstandings, and finally came to the place where I could say “bisexual� without needing the other identifiers attached. I realized a lot of it was my own history and misinformation.
AIDS also hit during my coming out process. When AIDS hit, it became very clear to me and to the guy I fell in love with, that we needed a political action group to become visible to ourselves and each other. We talked about organizing a bisexual feminist political action group. We met some folks who were part of the Bisexual Center who identified with the gay community a little more, and we probably formed the first bisexual feminist political action group called BiPOL in 1983. We couldn’t come up with a name, and we had to get a press release out. We knew we’d be stuck with it forever, but oh well. [Laughs]
We knew bisexuals were dying yet gay and lesbian people told us we didn’t exist. We needed to stop hiding and come out of the closet. Bisexuals in San Francisco were part of the cutting-edge community response to Gay Cancer [AIDS] in the early 80s. But how do you talk about educating a community when they’re told they don’t exist? The Bisexual Center closed in 1984 because the leadership there was taking leadership in the epidemic. We were scrambling everywhere. And a lot of people just stopped coming to the Center because of fear; it was an exhaustive time.
I published my first article on bisexuality in the Bay Area women’s newspaper, PLEXUS, called “Biphobic: Some of My Best Friends Are….� [Laughs] It challenged the lesbian community [to ask], if we are a women’s feminist movement, then how can we exclude anybody? Two other women had come forward who I didn’t know, asking questions to publish their articles on bisexuality, too. I remember the publisher was really excited. Everybody was really excited that finally the big elephant in the room was going to be addressed. Everybody is going to talk about it. There will be discussions. There will be writers. The issue came out and there was not one writer or letter to the editor or response piece. And that shocked us. It was as if the issue was never published.
How did the “B� get into LGB, since at that time it wasn’t LGBT?
Through a lot of grassroots activism and organizing. The March on Washington [for Gay and Lesbian Rights] in ‘87 was the beginning of bisexuals organizing nationally. Those who marched in the bi contingent remained in contact and worked together. What was also going on in the late 80s was a lot of campuses had gay and lesbian student groups that were very inclusive of bisexuals. And some were inclusive of transgender people also. There was a youth student movement happening; so the B was appearing and the T was appearing.
The other thing that I have to say, because I am really proud of the Bi movement, is it never separated out from transgender people and issues. In the political organizing work that was being done, especially on the national level, bisexual people always said “bisexual and transgender.� Many times, gay and lesbian leaders and organizations would say, “OK, we’ll include the ‘B’ but not the ‘T.’ We always went for the B and T.
In 1984, the Democrats held their national convention in San Francisco. The first National Gay and Lesbian March during a Democratic convention was organized. People flew from all over to march at that convention. We wanted AIDS to be addressed. There was so much going on. Reagan didn’t even say AIDS until a few months before he left office. My group BiPOL—there were seven of us—went to participate in that march. And we were told bisexuals were not allowed. The organizers told us that to our faces. We could not march but we could stand on the sidelines, and be bystanders and cheer them on. [Laughs]
In 1987, a call was put out for a bisexual contingent to the 1987 March on Washington [for Gay and Lesbian Rights]. For many of us, it was the first time we walked into a room filled with bisexuals, and it was just 75 of us, but we were from all over the U.S. We were all-out bisexuals doing work in our community. And I saw a national movement back in that room and I just hooked right into that and went for it. It was a very exciting and frustrating time.
In 1989, the very first out person invited to ever testify before a U.S. Senate Subcommittee on gay veterans’ health issues was an out bisexual, Cliff Arneson. The U.S. Department of Defense also kicked out bisexuals for sex offenses. Right after that testimony, they talked about wanting a national veterans group, which was called GLB Veterans of America. More recently they changed the name to make it more conservative.
The very first bisexual conference was in San Francisco, which I worked on. And that was another big national event; 450 people showed up from 25 countries. Whoever said bisexuals can’t get together. [Laughs]
But something interesting happened between 1991 and 1992 in Colorado. An anti-gay initiative called Amendment 2 was put forth, which became the boiler plate for other state initiatives. The people of Colorado voted and it passed. Basically, it took away the basic civil rights of lesbian, gay, and bisexual people. We were like, OK, the fundamentalist Christian Right Wing movement notices the bisexual visibility movement so they included us in this anti-gay amendment. They named us. But when you look at the list of gay and lesbian leaders and organizations who were fighting against Amendment 2, they only said “lesbian and gay.� Thankfully the case went to the Supreme Court and that decision was declared unconstitutional.
Bisexuals were pointing out to lesbian and gay leaders that the Right Wing is recognizing us; we have become visible enough around the country and in our community. They don’t see us as straight. They see us as queer, why don’t you? It was a classic divide and conquer, but lesbian and gay leaders never got it. Bisexuals, you’re more theirs [the straight community]. Everyone recognizes the binary. But you need to step out of that way of thinking. So, I had this idea that it was time to challenge the lesbian and gay community.
In late 1991, there was a national call for a 1993 March on Washington (MOW). Clinton had been elected. It was exciting. We thought we would be able to accomplish so much. I felt the time was right for our movement to push for “bisexual� in the title of this march. There were visible bisexual communities and activists in key cities across the U.S. I wrote a brief statement about the inclusion of bisexual; our accomplishments and contributions and that it was time for bisexuals to be included. The statement was addressed to the national organizing committee to be signed by well-known lesbian and gay leaders, politicians, authors and activists. The endorsement campaign encouraged and empowered local activists to challenge their lesbian and gay colleagues and representatives to take a public stand on bisexual inclusion. Many were talking the talk behind the scenes, but not walking the walk publicly. I organized bisexuals in 12 cities and we got 54 signatures. A core of 10 or so bisexual activist arrived in Los Angeles for the national MOW meeting and immediately volunteered to organize the packet given to delegates from every state. We put that petition in every person’s packet. [Laughs]
On the ground at the national meeting, we fought for bisexual and transgender inclusion. The Northern California delegation, which I was a part of, agreed to vote for bi and trans inclusion. What ended up happening was some lesbian and gay leaders set up the vote to pit transgender people against bisexual people so that it would end up being a gay and lesbian march. One of those divide-and-conquer moves. But we found that the bi and trans people had enough allies that the next day we demanded and got another vote. In the end though there weren’t enough people familiar with transgender people and issues to have transgender in the title. Bisexual was radical enough and even then they told us they couldn’t go back to their communities saying “bisexual.� So, there was a compromise: remove the “sexual� and include “bi.� It became the March on Washington for Gay, Lesbian, and Bi Equal Rights and Liberation.
I was chosen to be one of the 18 speakers that March. And guess what number I was? 18. But that inclusion was one of the first major breakthroughs. The B-word conversation started happening nationally. And people began to realize, we’ve been here all along. Books later started coming out. The more visibility, the easier it was to come out.
When I connect with many of the email lists and discussions out there, I’m still shocked, when I read/hear: “Oh, my God, I came out to my lesbian friend and the gay community, and I was told that bisexuals don’t exist.� It’s everything that I heard! Only just a little different twist on it. But it’s the same thing.
Do you think much has changed concerning the views of bisexuality? And what’s the little twist?
I think some things have changed because there is a visible bisexual presence. And there are books, LGBT studies, and random TV shows and movies with bisexual characters. But when you really listen closely, many times it’s just L, G, T, and the B is not there. My best friend Loraine, and the co-editor of our book, Bi Any Other Name, started teaching an LGBT intro class at Towson College in Maryland. She was given the textbook; it is something published in 1999. She told me that there are only two articles on bisexuality; they’re from the early 90s. Both were published in OUTLOOK, a gay and lesbian journal from the late 80s and early 90s. One article is a reaction to the other article, and it is a negative response. [Laughs] That’s it!
She said there’s lots of transgender stuff in it. I think many people are more comfortable with transgender issues and work on understanding them. In the late 90s, there were a lot of lesbians who understood the transgender issues because of the butch-femme energies and explorations. They could get their heads around understanding that a little easier. But bisexuality really offends and challenges people, and lesbians in particular on a basic level.
There are people who are very active and a part of bisexual community events who don’t identify as bisexual. I understand because bisexual sets up and supports a binary. Bisexual people challenge people’s notions of themselves, their sexuality, and threatens their sense of safety.
But what do we know about gender? Not much. That it’s on a continuum like everything else? We need to listen and not assume. What do we know about sexuality? We’re so repressed. Our culture is so erotophobic we don’t know much at all. Bisexuality brings up both gender and sexuality, and challenges people in different ways. And the word bisexual is so problematic I understand why people don’t want to use it.
Do you think that’s why many young people don’t want their sexuality to be labeled? Is it because of fear of that stigma, or is it because they don’t want to be part of that binary system?
I think it’s both. Every generation has a different experience and different baggage. Can you imagine what it would be like to grow up in an atmosphere where there are no judgments or assumptions about sex, sexuality and gender? And you have all the information you need about your body and sexuality? My God, how amazing would that be?
I love gender queers; those who refuse to identify with an identity. As long as you’re sex positive and you’re positive about where you are and you’re not putting other people down for how they are and how they describe themselves.
I’m also so inspired by young people. We all have different baggage. I remain hopeful and live my life appreciating those who came before, and the shoulders that I stand on and it keeps me from getting overwhelmed with how much there is to do. But when I get around young people, I’m like, there it is—there’s the energy. Every generation brings new life and new hope. And we don’t have to do it all still. We can let go.
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As someone who was chased away from using the word "bisexual" to describe myself by the very stigmas that Lani talks about, I have to say: thanks for this interview.
Great interview! Thanks!
I wanted to give a big thank you as well! I often choose queer or heteroflexible (as I am predominantly hetero) instead of bi, and it’s good to be reminded of all the work that has been, and is being, done to fight biphobia.
We are not unicorns! We do exist!
Great article. I get so sad that bi seems to be something looked down on by the queer community - after so many years (centuries!) of same-sex loving folks being excluded and being made to feel "not enough", it it so disappointing that there is so much prejudice within the community.
Great article. I get so sad that bi seems to be something looked down on by the queer community - after so many years (centuries!) of same-sex loving folks being excluded and being made to feel "not enough", it is so disappointing that there is so much prejudice within the community.
Thanks for posting this!
Kudos!
If we ever have real gender equality, biphobia will go away with it as people learn that it isn't always about boys against girls.