A reader over at Nerve's Scanner noticed the following Q&A on her package of Tampax:

Question: "Will using a tampon cause me to lose my virginity?" Answer: "No - you do not have to worry about losing your virginity when using a tampon. The hymen is an elastic membrane with an opening in the center. It normally has enough room and elasticity for a tampon to pass without any harm, even after the tampon has absorbed the menstrual flow. No matter what you have heard, wearing a tampon doesn't change anything about the person you are."

Whew! Now I'll be spared the expense of re-virginization surgery.

The answer on the Tampax website didn't go so far as to assure me I'm the same person whether I'm wearing a tampon (or having sex) or not. But I'll take the Nerve reader's word for it.

Other burning questions from the Tampax site include, "Can I go to the bathroom while wearing a tampon?" and "Can I use two tampons at the same time?" Which made me wonder if these were really FAQs for 12-year-olds.

Turns out they are. Maybe it's because I don't read Teen Vogue or watch a lot of TV, but I didn't realize that Tampax markets the Pearl tampon exclusively to teen girls. The language is so clearly designed to play to their insecurities, with phrases like "tampons are more discreet than pads and help keep your period more private." Also, this:

It's not about how old you are. It's not about what you do for a living. It's not about being a mom or a career woman. It's a way of being - a state of mind. Pearl Girl - a woman who's sensual, confident and comfortable in her own skin.

It's apparent they focus-grouped the hell out of this language-- so it doesn't even make much sense. Although I guess Tampax could do worse than convincing preteen girls that a tampon is like a state of mind... at least it's absorbent.